Just One of Those Nights, Sleepy

[00:00:00] Hi and welcome to Fall asleep with Henrik. I'm Henrik and you're sleepy. And it is what it is. What happens, happens. And right now there is nothing we can do about any of it. So let's go.

[00:00:15] Hi, Sleepy. I'm here again. So it seems. Welcome back to my humble abode. I am Henrik. If you listen very, very carefully, you can hear in my voice that I'm not English. Native.

[00:00:58] I speak with a Swedish accent and I choose my words from a Swedish point of view. This is because I, well, I live here. I live in Stockholm, Sweden. And my knowledge in the English language is sort of limited to whatever I've been taught in school and from popular culture.

[00:01:22] But it doesn't matter in this podcast. I will speak until you fall asleep or get distracted or whatever other effects that you're looking for.

[00:01:38] Welcome if you're new here. This is not any established method that I'm using. I'm just talking. I'm just speaking and I don't write or decide beforehand what I'm going to talk about or what I'm going to say.

[00:02:00] I'm just going to speak. I'm just going to speak. You know, I know a few things in life. And well, one of the things that I know very well is to just talk. Whether it's not speak, whether it's not speak, whether it's not speak, whether it be Swedish or English. I do that kind of well, I think. If I can beat my own drum for a minute. And I can because this is my podcast.

[00:02:28] I am 49 years old and so far in my life, I've not been able to create this vast, huge career for myself outside of what I'm doing right now. So speaking, talking, using words in sort of an improvised manner.

[00:02:58] So this is, well, what you hear right now is what you get. You can listen to my words if you want, or you can just put them, you know, somewhere in the back of your mind. Listen to whatever you want and just forget about the rest. I'm not going to say anything profound. At least I don't think so.

[00:03:22] Sometimes stuff comes up that viewed from the right angle will seem profound, but it's not. The good thing about saying a lot of words at the same time is that it's, you know, it's the allegory about the monkeys and the works of Shakespeare.

[00:03:48] If I say enough words at some point by pure coincidence, my words will form wisdom. So if that happens, then, well, that's good, I guess. But I don't know anything about sleep. I don't know anything about relaxation. I really don't know anything else about anything except for what I'm doing right now, talking.

[00:04:22] So if you've been listening to this podcast for a while, then some of the things that I'm going to say now about me and about my life will seem, well, yesterday's news and I'm sorry. But at the moment I'm screaming my lungs out in England.

[00:04:45] I have this campaign going on right now in England telling the country about my existence. So there are a few new people here and I want to say hi to them.

[00:05:01] So if you're an old, if you belong to one of my old sleepies, if you belong to one of my own sleepies, like you were like the property of a sleepy, that's not what I meant. Sorry.

[00:05:19] If you belong to the group who refer to themselves as the old sleepies of mine, then I'm sorry. But it's sort of, you will get to recapitulate who I am and why I do what I do. So my name is Jon Henrik Stål.

[00:05:47] I am 49 years old. I'm an actor. I live in Stockholm, Sweden. And I've been doing this type of podcast for seven years. But in Swedish. So this English thing is about a year old now. And it all started with me. Well, I've had this idea for a while.

[00:06:14] But as with every Swedish person alive today, we feel very bad about our English. We feel very bad about so many qualities that we harbor. But especially our English accent.

[00:06:36] It's not so much that we look down on our own vocabulary as far as English goes. It's just our dialect. It's not very sexy, is it? It's just, it's very, it's very rough. You know?

[00:06:58] And so I've had the feeling that what I do can reach a greater audience in the world. That's my kind of go-to happy thought. I want to reach out. I felt lonely for most of my life. I live kind of a lonely life in a way.

[00:07:25] And I've been urging to reach out. Not just to my own countrymen. But to a wider audience. But my idea of my own English is, well, it's flawed, you know?

[00:07:52] So, first, well, right after I started my Swedish version of this podcast called Somna med Henrik. Fall asleep with Henrik in Swedish. Then I had the idea that I should do this in English too. But I didn't have the guts to present it. So, I used speech synthesis. I cloned my own voice and I tried to do it in a few different varieties.

[00:08:19] And let me tell you about the success of artificial intelligence. I'm not going to dwell on this because I know that there are so many opinions about this technology. But the wonder that I expected to occur didn't. But as it turns out, dear Sleepy, people want real voices. It doesn't matter how good they are.

[00:08:47] They want real people in their ears and in front of their eyes. And even if I got to say that I really enjoy new technology that helps me and aids me in my work.

[00:09:07] This doesn't apply to just present a cloned voice and chat GPT generated scripts. So, I think that my old tries of fall asleep with Henrik was accumulating like 50 people listening or something.

[00:09:35] So, that never went anywhere. But then I met this woman called Jonna Jinton. She's a famous YouTuber in the northern part of Sweden. And she was a guest in one of my shows that I do in Swedish podcasts called Wanda with Henrik. It's a walking, talking podcast.

[00:10:02] Because I've been a fan of her since like ages. And she does this so well. She does content in English. Although she's not, you know, fluently English speaking. She's just Jonna, you know. And she just presents herself in a way that is so adorable. And I'm, I got so inspired.

[00:10:32] So, like the day after I met with her, I started this podcast. This English person of my podcast. I do this exactly in the same way that I do it in Swedish. I just press record and then I just talk. And you get to tag along. And it's not important what I say. It's not important if you follow along.

[00:11:00] Or if you just hear this distant mumble. Or a distant rumble. You can use my voice either way you see fit. And that's fine. It's fine. Everything really is fine. I tend to, I tend to think, sometimes I get the question, I get asked.

[00:11:29] Doesn't it feel, doesn't it hurt when you know that people fall asleep to your voice? Like you can think and feel a lot of stuff and then you tell them. But they don't hear it. They just fall asleep. They just drift off.

[00:11:49] And yeah, I mean, if it were, if it were like, if I had been thinking, if I, okay. Now, okay. So now my flow ended. Sometimes when I speak English, the words just stop coming. It's like I'm, I'm in a, I'm in a void.

[00:12:22] Okay. So now I'm going to be in this void for a while. Have it, has it ever happened to you sleepy? That you're in this flow. You just talk and you, you don't think like, of course you think, but you don't think that you think. You just follow along your own mind stream and the words just come naturally. And then there's this void just happening.

[00:12:52] And you just freeze. And you just look down into this void and it's endless. And you don't know where it came from. You don't know what you're doing there. It's just, you're just a speck of dust in this void. Yeah.

[00:13:16] If I were to be thinking up all the stuff I'm saying in this podcast beforehand, if I had decided that today I'm going to talk about these and these and these profound things that really move me and expecting you to react in a similar manner. Then of course I would be hurt if you just fell asleep and drifted off.

[00:13:41] Most of my listeners, they say that they listen to about 20 minutes and then they just zone out. And that's totally fine. I mean, because I don't have a plan, sleepy. I go where my gut tell me. This has been the case for most of my life really. I have a lot of plans. I have a lot of dreams.

[00:14:05] But I've never really seen my plans and my dreams come true. The things that get my life going is my impulses. Really, that's, I mean, and it's not, I don't just say this. It's true.

[00:14:31] I am the result of my own impulses. So I have this very strong impulse. I have this very strong feeling in my gut that I think that I really can reach you. I think so. And I want to because that gives my life so much meaning. I think that you and I, whether or not we live in the same country,

[00:14:59] can benefit from just being here, you know. And I realize that this is a one-way type of conversation. But you can write to me. It's totally, I mean, I would love that. And some of you do. Write to me and tell me about how you're listening to my podcast and what you think about it and such. You can reach me on any of my social media.

[00:15:29] Just look for Henrik Stål. And if you're curious about the spelling, it's available in the podcast description. Just reach out, you know. I'd love to hear from you. So today I've been sleeping in. I am separated.

[00:15:58] I have my child with me every other week. Like one week off, one week on, so to speak. And this is an off week. So I get kind of lonely. It's, well, it's one of these dark things in life that just happens to you, you know. The fact that you wake up one day and realize that we need to change how we live.

[00:16:28] How we relate to each other. And me and my ex-partner, well, she's still my partner, you know. We have a child. We have a 13-year-old daughter. And of course we're still, you know, we're still partners in crime in that way.

[00:16:49] And, well, this is going to sound strange, but I love her, Nina, like even more, but in a different way today. And we're friends and everything is good, I guess. Except for the loneliness, I think. I think that maybe being alone is something that I do very well. And I could go on doing it for the rest of my life, I think.

[00:17:19] I think being alone is something that comes easy to some. And for me, I like my own company. I like to be alone. I need to be alone. And that means that the beginning of these weeks when I'm off child, so to speak, is, well, they're good, you know. So I've been sleeping in.

[00:17:49] This is, I record this on a Monday. So this is the first day of my off week. And I really enjoy it. I really enjoy, you know, being off the pressure of taking care of, yeah, just being there, you know.

[00:18:16] Like fixing food for someone else and keeping up with her schedule and her homework and just listening, you know. So much of being her dad right now is listening. And not so much speaking or giving advice because she just really laughs at my advice at the moment.

[00:18:43] She's 13, I guess that's part of the play, part of the plan. I mean, she's supposed to be making her own way now. I mean, beginning, beginning to see the contours of her own path stretching out in front of her. And I mean, that's so beautiful, sleepy, don't you think?

[00:19:07] It's really so beautiful to watch this new person starting to see their own path. So if it's not obvious, I really love my child. I really do.

[00:19:34] And that's such a huge part of my emotional world right now. And I guess that's what gives the loneliness this sharp edge. Because this week, I mean, we have contact, we call each other and such. But this week, I am not her go-to person.

[00:20:01] And that's a weird feeling. And sometimes it's a sad feeling, I guess. It's sadness and, well, sorrow. Sorrow, yeah. That's the word. I'm mourning. But it's not just the separation and stuff.

[00:20:30] Because in so many ways, I think that we as a family, we have it better now than before. Because everything is clear, you know. There's no shadows. And, well, there's shadows, but these are my shadows, you know. It's not the shadows of our family anymore.

[00:20:51] I also mourn her baby years, you know. I mean, it's a double-edged sword, this smartphone thing. Because every day, I get new suggestions of memories in my smartphone.

[00:21:15] Like, oh, do you remember what happened this year, this day, 10 years ago? And then I get this wave of imagery from my daughter's baby years. And that really, you know, because back then, nothing had really happened. But I thought that, you know.

[00:21:41] I felt overwhelmed by being a dad and looking at myself and my own work and personality in so many different ways. And I thought that, in the very beginning of my daughter, the very beginning of my daughter, because now my life is my daughter. That's not true.

[00:22:10] I mean, I have so much in my life. I mean, it's, well, if you've got a child of your own, I guess you know what I'm talking about. You are, the child is your own, your whole world. Your whole damn world. But at the same time, there are so many things that are just you. And you should never leave them behind.

[00:22:40] Some of the things that I'm sad about my own parents doing is that they sort of forgot about their own development when they became parents. Well, this is a very rough statement. And I'm not sure that they would agree with me. But my parents have six children. And I'm the oldest one.

[00:23:12] And I think that over the years, with all the children, they sort of like gave up their own agendas. Well, not my mother so much, but my dad did. And I think that for me as an adult, it would be so cool to see my parents live in their own lives. Because now we're all grown up, you know.

[00:23:40] The youngest is 34 years old. So, you know, it's been ages since they were parents to small children or to children, you know, under the age of 18. And I know that you're always a parent. But my view of them right now is that they don't have so much that just belongs to them, you know.

[00:24:10] And I think that that would give me joy to call my dad and just get to know that he's on a trip, you know, with his friends. But that never happens. And I keep that in mind. The problem is, I don't really know what to do with myself

[00:24:39] except for this, the thing I'm doing right now. This is my hobby and this is also my work. As it turned out, doing this, the thing I'm doing right now, but in Swedish, became my livelihood. As it turned out, I could make a good living just doing this in Swedish, which is weird, you know, because I'm a trained actor.

[00:25:07] And after COVID, the acting gigs just became fewer. And then I just decided to make my podcast into this regular gig. And I did. And as it turns out, that was a very good decision. Gut decision made by me.

[00:25:34] Yeah, I forgot what I'm, I lose, I'm losing my, yeah, I'm in the void again. Can you hear that? Can you hear that in my voice? Because I am right now floating over this gigantic void. One thing that really appears in my,

[00:26:02] everything I do really, again and again and again, is dark streaks. I tend to go back to the darkness. And I don't want you to think that I am talking about dark things out of spite, because this is a sleep podcast. After all, you're supposed to be just lulled to sleep.

[00:26:30] But this is important to me that you know that this is not a lullaby. Because if it were, you know, if I could just lull you to sleep, then I would. But I know that you're listening to this because you have tried lullabies and they don't work. Lullabies are for children, really. And it's nothing wrong with lullabies.

[00:27:01] But lullabies in a commercial way, I mean, there's so many lullabies in the world that you can pay for and listen to. And that's not what I do. To me, life is a dark place sometimes. And why shy away from that? I can't, I can't, I can't.

[00:27:29] I can't shy away from the voids in life, you know? And if I want to teach anything here, God, you should never, ever use my words as sort of a teaching thing because I really don't know anything and that's fine. I'm okay. Although I don't know anything. I don't carry any specific expertise,

[00:27:59] you know? So, but if it's, if there is one thing that I need you to take away from this is that what if we could just for one night or whatever time there is when you're listening to this, what if we could just for one night just accept that darkness is? There is despair.

[00:28:28] There is existential dread. There is, well, death and harm and sadness. And this is not just some parentical parent, oh God, parentical, can you say that? This is not just some shadow thing that lurks behind us, you know?

[00:28:58] It's our lives. It's our, my life and yours alike. And can we just for one night just accept that this is, you know? Because I believe that when we start to accept as far as we can, of course, accept that life sometimes hurts, then we can start living, you know? Then we can just

[00:29:27] move on. I think that there's so much in our common echo chamber thing that focuses on just don't pay attention to the dark stuff. Don't pay attention to the goblin in the corner,

[00:29:57] the troll in the grotto, you know? Sometimes I think of myself living as someone who floats on the surface of this vast ocean. and whenever I look down, there is this endless void beneath me and this void is not inherently evil or

[00:30:27] good. It just, it's just there, you know? So I can't paint it in any familiar color. It's just there whether or not I'm there, you know? I get to float on the surface of this ocean. I get to sometimes look down into the void or up at the sky and I can choose, you know, I can do both of the alternatives

[00:31:00] and that's, that's a beneficial thought to me. Everything goes, you know, anything goes. I live in this reality reality and this reality contains so much that I don't understand, so much that I can't control.

[00:31:29] So why should I even try, you know? And I'm not saying that you should just give up, roll over and let life have its way with you. I'm saying that there are so much that we can't control but we can focus on the stuff that we can control, you know? and sometimes it's a very beneficial thing to just say, okay.

[00:32:01] So this is, have been a mantra of mine since my, okay, so now I'm going to tell you about all the disease and horror in my family. No, it's, I mean, it's fine. So, I have a lot of illness in the family. My sister has this heart disease and she was born with it. So, she wasn't meant to be alive in the beginning, I mean,

[00:32:32] statistically, but, she was born, she's born in the exact right time. So, she was this, she was a so-called blue baby and she was, her heart was malfunctioning. She's alive today and and she's the strongest person I

[00:33:02] know. But, so I was four, I was four years old at the time and of course this was a, I mean, a major game changer for me and my mom and my dad. They had two healthy children and then this, this very ill girl was born. And then my brother was born and he has this hearing

[00:33:31] disease and a kidney failure thing. Hearing disease, you don't say that, I know. Hearing, oh God, it must be very frustrating for you as an English speaking person to just know what I'm trying to say but just listening to me fumbling and, you know, and then using a totally different word. But, feel free to use this as any sort of fuel for your own thoughts and let your mind

[00:34:01] drift away. I mean, I will constantly use the English language wrong, you know. So feel free to just, just use it, you know. So I can come up with words that you don't, you've never even heard of, especially combinations of words in sentences that you haven't even heard of and because they're not real and yeah, it's like dreaming. I can be your dream. I can be your dream boy.

[00:34:33] I'm so sorry. That was, that was not cool. I'm sorry. So, yeah, he had this hearing condition, condition, hearing condition. so he's not deaf but he's, he has very limited hearing. And then my brother after that he had a brain tumor. He's alive and well

[00:35:03] today. All of my siblings are alive and well, although some of them have been really ill. And when I was, I think I was like 25 or something, my dad got this stroke and he's alive and well. But we didn't know that when he got the stroke, we thought that we were going to lose him. and then something formed within me.

[00:35:33] I think it was my mom that said that we need to say yes to this. And I, I was so mad at her. How can you say that? How can you say yes to you potentially losing your husband, my dad, you know? You need to say no until the bitter end. But she said like, so what good does that do? I mean, I don't want to lose him,

[00:36:03] but it's in the hands of, yeah, well, my mom is religious, I should say. So it's in the hands of God in her case. And I, I couldn't really deal with that. And I guess that's human. I guess it's human to just say no to stuff, you know? But my no doesn't mean anything. And I mean, that it, and okay, so let me, let me follow

[00:36:33] my own thoughts here. So the thing that growed in me is the fact that my no doesn't mean anything and that can give you like a feeling of totally abandonment, you know? The universe will do whatever the universe does, you know? It doesn't have a plan or a purpose or it doesn't, it don't, the universe

[00:37:03] doesn't do anything out of spite or to teach you something or whatever, at least as far as I'm concerned. It just happens. And I, my human little mind will strive to make purpose out of everything, but there is none, you know? Of course this is a, this can be different for you, sleepy. Maybe you're, you have faith, you know?

[00:37:32] And I'm not going to say that you're wrong or anything. I don't know, I don't know anything. But to me, I mean, of course there's purpose, but the purpose is not my purpose. The purpose is just purpose. What is just is. And it doesn't depend on me. And that's a really helpful thought to me.

[00:38:02] With this thought model in mind that the universe doesn't care about my sorrow nor my happiness. It's just there. So, then it all falls back to me. How do I want to live? How do I want to carry the stuff that happens to me, the good and the bad? Since I'm

[00:38:31] the only one carrying the universe within me, since I'm the only one with the key to my own existence, well, or to my own experience, I should say. Why can't I just do with what I got, whatever I want, you know? Maybe you're asleep now, sleepy.

[00:39:04] If you're asleep now, maybe in your bed somewhere, in an apartment or a house, maybe you're in a boat, sometimes I get letters, well, not letters, pen, pen-authored letters, well, the pen doesn't author, written, pen-written pages. I never get pen-written

[00:39:33] pages and I don't want them either because it's so, I mean, it would feel weird. But emails and DMs, so sometimes I get witnesses, sleepy witnesses telling me about where they are when they listen. So some of them are on the tram, some of them are in their beds, in their cars, in airplanes,

[00:40:03] and some are in boats. For some reason I get like a few emails telling me that they are listening to my voice, trying to sleep on a boat. It's a cool thing. If you're in a boat right now, congratulations. Isn't it cool that we can be, that we can float? Isn't that amazing?

[00:40:34] Without the opportunity to float without our knowledge in making boats out of logs early on, we would have, you know, stayed at one continent in our development as human beings. I mean, we don't give boats enough credit. We don't.

[00:41:04] Boats are truly amazing. I was brought up in this small county in the middle of Sweden and we don't have any oceans, lakes and streams and rivers, but we don't have any ocean where I was brought up.

[00:41:35] then when I met Nina and we started a life together, we spent summers by the sea, by the ocean on the Swedish west coast and I got to get to know the ocean. At first I was afraid, I was petrified, kept thinking I could never live without the absence of ocean by

[00:42:05] my side, but then I spent so many nights thinking how the absence of oceans did me wrong and I grew strong and I learned how to get along and now I'm an ocean man. Sorry. Yeah, I really love the ocean now. I was afraid initially. It's so huge, you

[00:42:35] know, it's like this void I'm talking about. Nina could just jump in and just swim away, you know, and I got scared because it's, I mean, the depth, it's scary. It's like in a way looking up at the stars, a starry night and just lose yourself in the void, you know.

[00:43:07] Maybe it's because I'm afraid of the void that I keep going back to it. I want to conquer it. Well, that's futile. I know because I know I can't conquer the void. I know it's impossible, but I want to live my life trying. I want to learn new stuff.

[00:43:36] One of the things that I'm really scared of losing as I am getting older is my curiosity and my lust for life, you know. I'm scared that maybe one day I will wake up and just finding myself wanting the same thing. Enough is enough, you know. And then of course I would grow bitter because

[00:44:06] the world doesn't care. So then I would get mad. I would get mad with the world changing, although I'm not ready for it to change. So much of the world is change. Have you ever noticed that, Sleepy? Like everything changes all

[00:44:34] the time and you're never prepared for it. I mean, good change, it can come, you know, and we can control good change. We can leave a relationship that's not doing anything anymore. We can quit a job, we can change how we relate to people or to ourselves.

[00:45:04] We can start going to therapy, we can go on medication, we can go on vacation, we can change stuff. But then there's these other things that always happens, you know, that I remember when I was a kid, I was scared of losing the things that I loved. I remember it was my birthday, maybe my

[00:45:35] 13th or 14th birthday and I've been looking forward to it for like months like you do when you're a kid. And then the birthday came and I were celebrated but it didn't feel the same because I wasn't a kid anymore and I got so sad that the pure enjoyment of just one day being celebrated,

[00:46:04] being given presents, it didn't feel the same. It was kind of this off feeling that this is just a day. My birthday is just another day. There's nothing magical about my birthday. It's just there, you know, it's just a Thursday, you know. I was born on a Thursday, by the way. If anyone wonders,

[00:46:36] I know you probably had that question lined up for your next email to me. Are you asleep yet? How are you, by the way? How are you sleepy? Have you got like questions lined up

[00:47:05] for the universe to answer? Have you got like this urgent urging thing behind your chest bone that just needs to be answered? Why is it that there's always blah, blah, blah? One of the major

[00:47:34] frustrations to me in the world, in my own life, is that I know that some stuff will never be answered. Like, for instance, what was it like before I was born? I mean, I can read, you know, I can ask questions, but what was it like, really like? I mean, what was it like to breathe when

[00:48:04] there was no Henrik in the world? I'm not saying that would be a totally different experience. I think you know what I mean. What was it like, what was the color blue like before I wasn't around to see the color blue? What was it like to fall in love in the 1960s? What was it like to see your child

[00:48:34] in the 14th century England? what was it like when you just met someone in the stairs and trying to give room to each other passing? You just stepped the same direction so that you ended up blocking each other's paths again and again and again What was it like doing that in the Middle Ages? What was it like

[00:49:04] sending a letter 1938 waiting for a response? What was it like to die in the Stone Age? There's so many questions that I know of course I'm not going to get the answer to and not just history I mean what will the world be like

[00:49:34] in 400 years? I mean there will be there will be something in 400 years sleepy that that kind of thinking can drive me mad with frustration and curiosity because I mean we don't know about the future we don't know anything but there will be time and space in 400 years what will

[00:50:03] time and space at the very exact position I am in right now in the universe what will that time and space be like earth will not be here neither the milky way well yeah the milky way will be here because it's so vast but everything is moving you know at any given second my body is being

[00:50:33] hurled through space but I don't notice it I'm just sitting here thinking about what I'm going to eat you know what is it like right now on the planet Venus at this very specific place where there's three rocks

[00:51:02] forming a triangle if you were to look at it on a photo or if you even if you were there you would see your human brain would create this triangle pattern it's it almost looks artificial but it's not because no one has put the rocks in that formation they just ended up that way

[00:51:31] but they're there you know and there's sounds there are noises on the planet Venus that no one has ever heard yet they're there you know that can give me goosebumps

[00:52:00] and also drive me mad with frustration because I really want to be there I really want to know you know that's fantasy to me that's my imagination and if I'm if I were to thank the universe for anything really except for maybe my daughter I mean yeah she was a cool gift a gift that keeps on giving then I would say thank you for my imagination

[00:52:30] thank you for giving me the gift of being able to travel within my mind thank you thank you thanks are you asleep yet sleepy I don't want to put any pressure on you if you if you're not asleep then that's fine that's just fine this is

[00:52:59] what just one of these nights you know when you don't fall asleep and why bother you know you can't control it anyway sleep is just you know it's just there it's not something that you can get experienced in or good at it's within you and if you're not sleeping but if you want to sleep but not sleeping then that's

[00:53:29] just one of these nights you know and it's not something new whenever you read a newspaper article or anything you can read that so many people today have difficulties sleeping and that might be true but we don't know anything about how people slept in the 12th century you know we don't know anything about what it was like to

[00:53:57] sleep 200 BC on the island of Crete we don't know well we can probably assume that being a human being has always been this worrisome fragmentical fragmental experience that sometimes you are up at night

[00:54:26] worrying about stuff or just thinking about stuff that keeps you up that's just how our brains work they just keep us up sometimes because they think that they need to do it because their job is to keep us alive so your brain for some reason thinks that I need to keep sleepy up because she needs to solve this or

[00:54:55] that so that's just that's that's just it's it just is you know did I say that I was going to do this for an hour I don't think I mentioned that in the beginning I speak for an hour in case you didn't know I speak for an hour and I have

[00:55:25] this alarm on my watch but don't worry it won't sound it's just a vibration when I feel this little tingle in my on my wrist I know that the episode is over and I'm at that time I will just stop speaking sometimes I can squeeze in a little goodbye or sleep tight sleepy or something but often I just stop even if it's in the middle of a sentence

[00:55:53] I'm trying to keep it like not so dramatic in that way it gives me the feeling and it reminds me that what I say is not important what I say just doesn't matter and I can be someone worthy

[00:56:21] even if I don't say stuff that matters there is something else at play here not what I say it's just you know we're together here so it doesn't matter I would like letters from you though emails and DMs

[00:56:50] just reach out to me and tell me about yourself who you are what you do how you listen or just tell me stuff about your life maybe tell me stuff about your own void maybe tell me stuff about your own oceans your own depth

[00:57:18] your own curiosity and your own longing I mean these are fantastic DMs to get you know or emails

[00:57:34] I don't really know oh there is so much that I don't know for instance this campaign that I'm doing in England right now

[00:58:03] whether or not that's going to do me any good it's a huge cost I don't know there's no board in my company well there is a board but just that's just me and my ex-partner but we so the board they haven't really since I make up 50% of the board I just

[00:58:33] gave myself the permission to go with this ad campaign but it's you know I don't know this might be just money thrown into the void it's cool to just sit here and don't know and not knowing it's 1 minute and 30 seconds left of this episode

[00:59:02] maybe you're asleep and if you're asleep let me just say this to you good for you sleepy that you're now finally asleep good for you that you're now in your own universe flying around jumping from thought segment to thought segment mixing figments of imagination

[00:59:31] with reality diving deep within yourself with absolutely no control and just enjoying it sleep is you sleepy sleep is maybe the most you there is I really love the

[01:00:01] idea of you sleeping and if you're not sleeping well there are like 50 more episodes of this podcast just choose and I'm so glad that you're here