How Do You Know If You Love Someone?

[00:00:00] Hi and welcome to Fall asleep with Henrik. I'm Henrik and you're sleepy and it is what it is. What happens happens and right now there is nothing we can do. Let's go.

[00:00:27] Hi sleepy. Hi and welcome back to my humble abode in Stockholm, Sweden. I'm Henrik and if you're an old sleepy you can skip ahead like one minute if you don't want to listen to me telling you about what kind of a podcast this is.

[00:01:10] This is something that I need to do often because there are a bunch of new sleepies coming in and joining us every week. So if you know what this is and you don't want to listen to me informing you about what this is you can skip ahead and do so now. Hi new sleepy or old sleepy that wants to recapulate what this really is.

[00:01:38] So I'm Henrik. I'm a 50 year old actor from Sweden and I do this in Swedish like 10 times a month or so and I've been doing so since 2018. I do this because I am I don't I don't excel in anything really. There's just one thing that I'm really good at and that's talking. Not saying wise things per se.

[00:02:08] Sometimes I do. Sometimes I say wise things and funny things and cool things and profound things but that's all an accident. I am not I am not I am I don't do anything important in that sense that I'm I don't have anything that I really want to tell you. Well sometimes I do.

[00:02:35] Sometimes I say stuff that means something to me and in turn maybe to you too. But we're different you and I. I say that without really knowing you. Because you are one of thousands of people spread out all over the world. So I can't really know you.

[00:03:02] But even if I did I would know this one thing and that is I am different from you. You are different from me. And you are different from all of the other sleepies all around the globe. We're not the same and I think it's important to realize that regardless of us being the same or not. We're here together and that's a very cool thing.

[00:03:34] It really is. So you stumbled upon this podcast. Maybe you have trouble sleeping. Maybe you saw an ad for this podcast and now you're here. And you don't know what this is. Maybe this sounds weird to you. My dialect. My fragmented way of speaking. So my methodology is the following. I don't use.

[00:04:03] I don't plan. I just speak. Most of the time I talk about stuff that goes on in my own life. My own thoughts. My own philosophies. Sometimes it's just dream stuff. Stuff that I've. It's almost like I'm dreaming. Although I'm awake. And sometimes I. Yeah. I say what I think about stuff.

[00:04:31] What I don't do is shy away from potentially upsetting things. I don't. I don't. I don't aim to be upsetting. But if something that normally wouldn't go in a sleep podcast shows up in my brain. It will come out my mouth. This is not a podcast that will lull you into this false sense of calm. Because you're here for a reason. Right?

[00:05:00] You're here because. For some reason you're not calm. For some reason you need. And you long for calmness. So I can't magically just. Make that happen for you. So what I do is I talk. And. I distract you. Sometimes I will be overwhelmingly boring. And sometimes I will say funny things and smart things. And sometimes I will even say stuff that makes you.

[00:05:32] Well. A little bit upset maybe. Maybe I will say something that goes against. Stuff that you think or believe. And if that happens. I guess it's part of my agenda. Well I don't have an agenda in a sense that I want to convey you. Or change you. Or really give you anything in particular. My agenda is more in a sense of.

[00:06:01] I think one of the clues. To peace of mind. Is to accept that people are different. People think different stuff. The world is a messy place. And you can't really pretend. That everything is fine. You know. Just because you need it to be. So stuff is not fine. And that's why I say. It is what it is. What happens happens. And right now. There is nothing we can do.

[00:06:30] So if I happen to say something that upsets you in a way. Something that you don't agree with. Something that you think is wrong even. Try to practice that. Saying. It is what it is. What happens happens. You know. I'm me. I can only really control one person. And that's me. And that's why I do this podcast the way I do. I just. Can't do it any. In any other way.

[00:07:01] Imagine if I were to be. You know. Each and every episode. I would sit. And I would do research. I mean. I have. This podcast is now. Spread. In many different countries. Many different demographies. Many different groups of people. What if I were to be studying. Each and every group. In a very cynical way. Learning what.

[00:07:29] Their respective groups likes. Or don't. Don't like. Then. I wouldn't do this. I couldn't. I wouldn't be fit to. So. Hi sleepy. I'm in my apartment. In Stockholm. Usually I'm in my studio. Adventure Wolf. But. This summer. I will be in my apartment.

[00:08:00] Because of logistical reasons. Altogether. I am. I'm quite comfortable. I'm sitting on this bar stool. That it's not. It's not really. Comfortable. I tend to. Lean forward. Too much. I hunch. Are you a hunch or sleepy? Your posture. That is.

[00:08:30] Not. Someone who has a hunch. I mean a huncher. Like a hunchback. I tend to be a hunchback. In situations. Where. Being a hunchback. Is. Not really good for me. Whenever. I could benefit from being a hunchback. Like for instance. When I'm in. A tight space. If I'm. Sitting on a train. And there's a lot of bags. And people. Dogs.

[00:09:01] Giraffes. And horses. Around me. That take up a lot of place. And I would benefit from being smaller. Take up less space. Then. I'm. All of a sudden. Missed the posture. You know. But now. When I. Would truly benefit from having a. Straight. Spine. I curve. You know. Like a bent nail. I once met this.

[00:09:34] Okay. So. I once met this. Ice skater. Ice skater. What's. What's the English word for a person that. Competes in. Ice skating. Like. Dance. But. In a very. Strict way. With a number of. Performances that you need to. Oh my god.

[00:10:03] Now. My English just went away. Do you. Do you. Do you say ice skater? Ice princess. So. Once. I fell in love with this girl. Who. Who. Who was an. Who was an ice skater. A professional ice skater. This was. Back in. High school. And. I.

[00:10:33] I worked. This was actually the year after. I graduated. Continued. I. I worked at my old high school. As. Media teacher. So my. My job was to. Teach. the students that were just one or two years younger than me at the time to teach them how

[00:10:58] to press play or record on a vcr or a video camera at the time but mainly my main purpose was to open locked doors for the students like can you let me into the storage i need to fetch a videotape or whatever so that i was really just a glorified janitor in a way but i really liked it it was a

[00:11:26] it was a fun job i worked there for almost a year while i was applying to acting schools all over this all over the country anyway so we got this because on this at this high school we had this local tv channel which the high schools students and the teachers took care of

[00:11:53] so we housed people that entered the premises and did their own tv shows like local groups in the society that that would benefit from a local tv station this was might i add before the internet well the internet was it was there i guess this was in 94 but it hadn't it wasn't

[00:12:20] something that everyone had access to at the time in 96 i think everyone most of us in sweden had internet connection at least in the workplace or in schools anyway so besides aside from being

[00:12:42] like this local tv producer we also took jobs so me it was just me and my ex-classmate maria we worked there and we took like assignments from people that wanted us to film them for some reason

[00:13:08] for instance one once there was this very famous mental hospital i i know you you don't say that anymore i i just don't know the correct english term for uh the hospital where people are being sentenced

[00:13:29] to care in a way in these facilities so we had this yeah hospital who got in touch with us because the press had written only negative stuff about them for a few years because they'd have they'd had a number of very

[00:13:54] high profile people escape from the hospital so the media and the public was kind of suspicious and didn't think much of the hospital itself so they hired us two high school students or recently high school students to tell their story and we did a really bad job i think

[00:14:17] but i thought it would it was magical and exciting and also a little bit scary to enter that type of world you know it was cool and magical and funny because i was a grown-up suddenly i i took care of a job me and maria we

[00:14:40] we drove around and filmed stuff like we decided ourselves you know what needs to be shot at any given moment it was a grown-up feeling and i liked that but it was also kind of scary meeting the convicts can you say convicts

[00:15:03] the patients but there weren't they were they weren't like peaceful and pitiful people well they were pitiful in a way but they were violent and aggressive and paranoid and yeah they were very troubled people but it was i guess it was an

[00:15:32] experience for me to be a good experience for me to meet them as well by the way you don't have to listen to what i'm talking about it's fine to just let me go you know just keep my voice keep the quality of my voice anyway so it was at the same time the same period in my life that i fell in love with a

[00:15:59] ice skating princess girl i'm not gonna say her name because that would be embarrassing it's not like i i'm ashamed you know it never turned out to be anything i don't even know i don't even

[00:16:16] think she knew that i fell in love with her but i i did and i was 18 and she and her i guess it was her trainer her parents had like a part of training her she was aiming for the olympics i don't think she ever made it

[00:16:41] stuff happened but she was training to compete in the olympics in 1998 i think so but for that in order for that to happen she needed sponsors and she got in touch with me and maria to

[00:17:08] produce this yeah this ad film for her so we did a it was an like in its form it was a documentary but it was a very really positive documentary we didn't really make an effort to tell the real story about her we it was

[00:17:34] it was just a a promotional piece we just filmed her training we interviewed her trainer she had a russian trainer a really strict old guy that told me that figure skating in a very in a very in the almost like mine broken english and he said figure skating

[00:18:02] figure skating i can't uh use a dialect here because that's not uh the method in this podcast i can't really act but you have to think of it as when when you hear me speak you have to pretend that i'm speaking in a russian accent so he said figure skating figure skating a sport for very clever people

[00:18:32] and that got stuck with me because i couldn't really see how that would be the case i'm not saying that it's obvious that figure skating people yeah figure skating sorry now i know the word she was a figure skater and i loved her anyway it wasn't that i thought that per definition of figure

[00:18:58] skating needs to be dumb or something i just couldn't see how intelligent cleverness would possibly be a part of what she was doing out there on the ice i mean what what she was doing was art you know and i'm not sure that art has anything to do with cleverness to me cleverness is the ability

[00:19:27] to solve problems in fancy ways the ability to distinguish between a bad situation and a good situation maybe cleverness is more of a hands-on kind of quality what i saw her doing wasn't cleverness or smartness or

[00:19:50] intelligence even it was heart you know maybe he was referring to the discipline that she needed you know in order to make it because she had discipline it was amazing to see because i as an 18 year old guy i didn't have any discipline and it was amazing to see someone working so hard because she was in

[00:20:20] school at the same time so she did like 12 hour days with school work and then exercise every day and i loved her so she taught me a bit of figure skating i can't even skate at all i mean i i can't even stand on a pair of skates but she taught me some moves and then we followed her along the week

[00:20:49] i guess it was a few weeks and yeah i never said anything to her i i have that history throughout my life

[00:21:08] i've been in love with girls that never knew it and it's always been a very painful experience to go through in this particular case the figure skater the figure skater that i was in love with it never became anything and then we went our separate ways and i started acting school and then

[00:21:36] i graduated acting school and i started working as a television host in stockholm and then she got in touch with me one day from out of the blue several years later and immediately my old romantic feelings

[00:21:56] awoke like they'd just been covered by a thin blanket for all these years and i thought oh my god this is it you know it's like in a movie so i'm now older i'm a celebrity i have something you know i thought to myself

[00:22:20] and i told myself that this is a date she wanted to see me you know talk about stuff so i finished work at the tv show and i went downtown to meet her and doing so i suddenly realized that i was wearing like

[00:22:45] really shabby clothes like a hoodie a dirty grayish hoodie and i went in in panic like i can't look like this on our date because at this time i had told myself that this is a date i don't think i've ever been

[00:23:08] on a date at that time in my life i think that was maybe my first would be presumed date experience so i went to into this

[00:23:23] posh clothing store and i bought um and this is an embarrassing sleepy but i bought this leather suit can i say can you say suit it's not a suit it's like uh it's almost like a suit but it's more open and more casual

[00:23:50] it was some sort of a fine dining leather jacket i looked like this 1990s mafioso guy but i thought i looked great and the clerk she said oh you look great this really suits you and i think i said okay i'll buy it and then she said that it was i think a thousand dollars or

[00:24:18] something it's ten thousand swedish kronor and that was a lot of money for me i had it but i had it in my savings account and at that time i couldn't there were no internet banking at least not on my phone so i had to call the bank on my phone and transfer money from my savings account to my

[00:24:47] ordinary account and i did that while the clerk was waiting for me to do it and then i bought the jacket and she she asked me don't you want the hoodie and i said no throw it away and i went out and when i went out on the street when i came out on the street i i got this

[00:25:13] wave of oh my god i'm so rich i can do anything kind of vibe and i went to this old posh famous stockholm restaurant called the prince prince prince prince and it was lunchtime so it wasn't really oh

[00:25:38] maybe a bit later than lunch maybe around two in the afternoon so there were a few people there but i got straight up in up to the bar and i said can i see the wine list and i i just looked at the wine like they have a very extensive wine list and i just took the most expensive a glass of the most

[00:26:06] expensive red wine that i could find i i didn't i i don't remember the price of it but it was like overwhelmingly expensive so now i had like almost no money left at all like my salary and my savings but i i had this amazing feeling that i'm a millionaire right now i can do anything

[00:26:31] so i bought the wine and i drank the wine because it was like half an hour until i was going to meet her and i got you know this sometimes when you have like a beer or a glass of wine or a drink in the middle of the day you can be really tipsy from it so i that's what happened i became like really tipsy

[00:27:01] and time just swooshed swooshed by and i went to meet this girl and i was all swirly and tingly and a millionaire apparently and then i met her and she had ordinary clothes on she wasn't

[00:27:25] dressed for this amazing date and she wasn't at all on par with this skin jacket leather jacket mafioso tipsy kind of guy that met her first of all the only thing expensive on my body at the time was that skin that skin that leather jacket it was not a skin jacket that would be macabre in a way

[00:27:54] it was a leather jacket and so that was the only thing expensive the rest of this stuff that i was wearing i can't even remember what it was but i think i had sweatpants on or something like i must have looked like yeah like a mafioso in a way but a degraded sort of b-list mafioso

[00:28:19] and she was dressed like normal and when i reached out my hand but when when when i i was going to shake her hand i sort of tipped over because i was tipsy remember from the wine

[00:28:41] so i was kind of uh yeah it wasn't like i was folding over but almost like i just tilted a bit and that was embarrassing because that was the first impression that i made and then we talked and then i said maybe we should go somewhere and have a beer or something

[00:29:08] but then it turned out that she's of course she she this was after she didn't go to the olympics as far as i know but she was still an elite athlete she wouldn't go somewhere and just drink with me you know she wanted to talk and she was as socially skillful as

[00:29:34] you what you might imagine an elite athlete person is you know would be she was having she was like very busy with her own life i don't really remember why she wanted to talk to me maybe that was a date in a way but we had so different perspectives on what that meant so it was not a date we went to this coffee shop

[00:30:04] and we had coffee i think and then i treated her to like an early dinner and i ate and i drank and i talked and i talked and i talked and she just you know i don't think she had a really good time i think she might have even been bored

[00:30:31] and i got drunk and i talked and i talked and i talked and then i asked her if she wanted to go out on a pub with me and she said no i don't i don't do those things i don't do that and she went to the hotel i don't even know why she was in stockholm she didn't live here and i sank through the floor

[00:30:57] that was by the way one of the reasons why i gave up drinking eight years ago the fact that i am on on the booze so to speak i become this hingeless kind of person that really gives out everything that

[00:31:21] is fragile and unfinished within me and i give it to people that don't really want it and that's happened to me again and again and again and it's not just an alcohol issue i think i do this when i get nervous as well this the thing i'm doing right now that's not the same thing

[00:31:47] i'm not oversharing right now even though it might appear to be like that i am very cautious about what i tell you and what i don't this can't ever be a private therapy session so i am

[00:32:11] very much aware about what i share and why and i would never share anything that would be considered too private for my own sake i get that question a lot though many people ask me how come you're not afraid to share your innermost feelings with total strangers well because because it's not really

[00:32:39] innermost is that even a word i don't know i mean of course they are real there are genuine feelings but i'm not exposing myself in a way that is harmful for me i give you stuff that i can give you

[00:33:04] that's really all there is to it i would never give you anything that is unfinished unpolished that i can't really well sometimes i can you know i can lean in that direction and it's kind of exciting to do so

[00:33:27] like for instance i was i was uh thinking about saying the name of the figure skater that wouldn't really hurt i mean this is 40 years ago no it's not 40 years ago it's

[00:33:47] it's 33 years ago or something 30 years ago so there's no harm in it it's just that that for some reason feels too private you get me um i'm i don't know why but for some reason saying her name

[00:34:10] makes it makes it feel icky and too private but if i talk about it in a sense like i fell in love with a figure skater then it all becomes almost like fiction although it's not i wonder why i was so afraid

[00:34:38] back in the day to tell the people that i fell in love with that i was in love with them there are so many yeah at the time girls that i fell in love with in school that never really knew and you could blame it on youth but at the same time there is something else as well there's something beneath

[00:35:07] it all that don't really want to be involved you know i think about this a lot now when i'm single again the the fact that i i fall in love then i there's kind of this void within me that can't ever be

[00:35:36] touched you know that can't ever be bridged because that would mean the end of me in a way it's not really that way anymore but it has been in my past i don't know why so i lived in a relationship for 17

[00:36:03] years that really took the edge of the fear of being over bridged but i remember as a kid that whenever he became even close to serious it almost never did though because the the people that i fell in love with never really knew but there's been times when i've been in situations where

[00:36:32] yeah this could really be this could really happen and then this overwhelming fear just rushed in over me i remember this one time i can't remember in what scenario i guess i must have been 16 or 17 years old and we were performing something together and i was in love with her this girl

[00:37:02] and i was in love with her because she reminded me like she was so similar to me it was like we were two pieces of the same jewelry or something and i fell in love with the idea about being together with someone that looked like me and thought like me and i was and of course i was

[00:37:28] wrong because she wasn't like me at all but i was really yeah i loved her i loved you should take that with a truckload of salt though because i didn't really know what love was at the time but i thought that i knew and i thought that i loved her so and she didn't know but it was that one one time we were

[00:37:54] like setting up something backstage and she said i want to talk to you and she took my hand and she led me into this storage room and i thought oh my god now this happens you know everything in my wildest dreams this is now happening this is now a real thing and for a second or two i was in seventh heaven

[00:38:19] very excited but it only lasted a few seconds because then this overwhelming fear just came crushing in and i thought i don't want this i don't want to make out with this stranger in a storage room i'm i'm henrik i need to be left alone i can't be touched because i hadn't been touched at the time well i think i had actually i think i had

[00:38:49] yeah i had this girlfriend when i was 17 we were together for like two weeks and i remember the same fear we were together for two weeks because i didn't have the guts to end it i went to this high

[00:39:12] school where we had like uh media subjects like we we had classes media classes so there was a lot of video cameras and editing and photography and acting and all sorts of things and so of course there were video cameras everywhere and there were some other students i guess in her class because she was one

[00:39:38] class below me in the same high school in the same she was in the same education as i okay i know that's that's not the correct word way to okay now my english died goodbye english goodbye r-e-p

[00:40:05] here lies the english vocabulary of acting full podcasting kids show host Henrik Ståhl he never really performed well especially not under pressure and especially not when trying to tell a very private story about how angst full he was with his in his first romantic relationship

[00:40:35] anyway there were some people in her class that were doing this video assignment that they were going to gather all the couples on the school and have them make out on like a line or something i don't know the theme i don't know anything and me and this girl we were yeah we were i was kind of forced into this so we started and then i remember i felt like i was leaving

[00:41:01] my body because it didn't feel true it didn't feel good at all it felt like i was lying and of course i i was in a way but i didn't have the guts to to just withdraw so i remember saying to her when they said action and they started putting the camera up in our faces

[00:41:23] i remember saying i love you to her and she didn't answer because she i mean we were 17 years old she we none of us really knew so i guess it didn't matter to her really and then we started making out and it felt like i was a robot and that was an awful feeling because i had

[00:41:47] made up you know in my mind that making out with someone in with whom you were in a relationship you you should really feel something you know but i didn't it was just empty empty lips and i i said i love you and then nothing happened and and then they said cut and i i guess i just went about my day

[00:42:17] and then i did the most horrible thing i wrote her a letter telling her that it was over and i left it at her doorstep in the in the dormitory that she lived and then i avoided her for a few weeks like a really such a chicken thing and i had i felt so bad i was so scared and i remember my

[00:42:46] argument for us not being together was not that i don't fancy you it was we're too young that was my argument we're too young and then a few weeks later she confronted me on the bus and she said that was really allows you to do to do not to tell him tell me and i and i started crying

[00:43:13] and i said i'm sorry and then she couldn't be angry that's a very effective way of deflecting guilt i guess to start to cry i don't think i did that on purpose though but it helped me

[00:43:32] get out of that situation so that was my first romantic relationship my second romantic relationship i guess must have been when i moved to stockholm on the new year's eve party

[00:43:54] at the millennial at the year zero zero we had a party this huge party and i met a girl a girl and then we were together on and off for like six months or something and it was the same

[00:44:11] thing there i was very hesitant to really get involved i felt guilty and violated in a way without any real purpose because there wasn't any violation going on well maybe i violated myself in a way because i didn't really want it but i couldn't really grasp why i didn't want it

[00:44:38] why don't i want this this is what everyone wants everyone wants to have someone this is someone who wants me why don't i want her and it was complicated because i did at the same time you know i was really jealous when she eventually moved on so apparently for some reason i wanted to be in a relationship but

[00:45:03] i didn't at the same time and i think that's still in me today i don't want to be alone i want to be held i want to love you know i want to love but i want to be left alone and i want to be in solitude and i want to call the shots in my own mind it's it's it's really complicated

[00:45:29] complicated not so much complicated anymore with this girl i remember calling my dad just to ask him what does it feel to love how do you know if you're in love i thought that my dad having had six children

[00:45:52] with the same woman being together with her for well now it's 50 years even more they've been married for 50 years 51 years this year so at the time this was further back it was like as i said early 2000s

[00:46:14] i thought that maybe he would know and he couldn't answer and i got so frustrated with that that he couldn't answer why wouldn't why can't you just say because he couldn't he just said well you know it just feels right i guess and that to me wasn't answer enough but how do you know what is right i mean

[00:46:42] when i'm when i'm with her i feel this mix of deep anguish and huge attraction you know it was so hard for me to well i guess the answer was i wasn't ready for that type of a relationship to be able to surrender

[00:47:06] yourself in that way i guess it's a it's a maturity thing and i'm not sure i'm quite there yet still to this day instead my dad told me that he had had a lot of doubts about my mom throughout their life together he told me that he was in his car in his 20s looking up looking looking up looking up

[00:47:36] on her window and debating with himself whether or not he loved her or not exactly like i did but he never gave me a solution not no conclusion sometimes when i think about myself in that age i wish i could go back and that i could tell myself

[00:48:04] you know it's fine to have doubts most of life is really about doubting stuff it's part of who you are and what you want to be try to live each moment like and take it for what it is but when you're young and maybe later in life as well depending on what you go through

[00:48:31] you tend to think that everything will just stay like this forever like if i didn't love this girl back in the early 2000s we would then marry and i would be miserable like an old man driving around on a lawnmower bitter

[00:48:59] bitter drunk for the rest of my life seeking comfort in my man cave you know drinking excessively we tend to think about the future as a static thing like a photograph or a painting something that is frozen forever etched unchangeable and that's just not the case

[00:49:27] why couldn't i just have been if i were able to go back in time i would tell my younger self please enjoy your time with this woman this partner that you share your time with for a brief moment in time just enjoy it enjoy it and then move on in life you know but instead it was like this on and off very very

[00:50:00] emotional wise very densely packed six seven eight ten months of my life in the year 2000 and it ended with her meeting another guy and one that presumably were a bit more on you know and me crying my eyes out on this night time

[00:50:30] straw throughout this huge cemetery south of stockholm called the forest cemetery if you want to look into that you can just google forest cemetery stockholm and i can see images it's a very beautiful huge architecturally architecturally sorry it's an it's on unesco's world

[00:51:00] inheritance list so you can just google it it's beautiful and then you can know that back in the 2000s 20 year old something henrik was walking around there at night drunk i think crying speaking to her in the foot on the phone begging her to take me back and she was with another man boy she was done with this

[00:51:30] and i was over myself and at one time i screamed like this painful cry and the police car that were had been patrolling behind me for some time i didn't realize i was in the phone i was on the phone drove up beside me and they shone a flashlight in my face they didn't say anything they just drove on

[00:52:00] so that was my second relationship then there was this row of non-serious endeavors and then i met this girl also at a pub well the first the the previous one was at a party but this was in a night on a in a night club and yeah stuff happened and then i promised to call her and

[00:52:28] and the next day i didn't want to call her because i felt like again i don't want to be involved so i texted her and i said i i can't call you i have stuff to do or something and then she called me and she said that i don't care for that type of behavior i want to be able to speak if you promise to speak then let's speak

[00:52:55] and at the time i was having tv dinner and i almost like choked on the tv dinner because i was so surprised that she called me up and just said exactly what she wanted so she see she said that i really thought that we have some had something the other night and i i would really love to find out whether or not this is true so i'm just gonna call the shots here i'm just gonna

[00:53:26] we're just gonna see each other now and then i couldn't say no because i can't really say no i couldn't at the time anyway so i agreed to meet her and we had coffee and then we were a couple and all the time i felt this

[00:53:54] great excitement and overwhelming fear i was so scared because i didn't feel i didn't know really what to feel and what feeling i thought that you should really have someone so i remember having a dream one of the earlier nights of our relationship full of doubts and the dream was like i was on i was on the beach

[00:54:24] and we were jumping in the water me and a few friends the friends were a couple of couples and i was alone on the pier and the ones in the water said henrik come on jump in and i remember in the dream thinking to myself okay just i'm let's just go and i jumped in

[00:54:52] and the next morning when i woke up i remember telling myself that this is proof that i really need to do this so i went all in into this relationship with her and that was well i wouldn't say it was a mistake because what really constitutes a mistake i don't know i learned a lot she was a great teacher in so many ways i mean she really taught me about social conscience for instance i didn't have any of that before

[00:55:20] she taught me about feminism i mean i thought previously that i had feministic values but i really didn't i was just an old man you know in my i would i would i was an old man to be you know i was schooling in to be this classical dude actor guy so she really taught me stuff but it was an awful relationship

[00:55:51] we didn't get along at all we argued all the time and there was a lot of sadness and eventually we both betrayed each other and before you run off now calling from the church tower that this guy i mean what kind of an unmoral kind of dude is this i would very

[00:56:19] humbly point out that i really think that it's a first of all i was in my 20s i was a kid then i mean betrayal and mistakes who doesn't make them you know for the longest of times i was so strict with myself i couldn't make any mistakes now i tend to think of it as

[00:56:48] lesson learned move on you know so we were both unfaithful to each other in different periods she actually well i i was unfaithful first and then i'm i was i made this forgive me trip over to her because she lived in another she lived in finland and at times anyway so i i went there and i made this

[00:57:18] huge forgive me effort thing and she forgave me and we went on and then she went to china because she she had a very intense work there and i'm not gonna say what work it is i i guess it was that is over the line in terms of privacy anyway it was a very exciting job you know a job you would give like a lot to to do in a lifetime

[00:57:49] and she did it together with this guy and of course they hadn't they they they they went on it you know when in china you know when working intensively for several months with something that's once in a lifetime happening thing so when she got back she told me and then we ended it and i cried my eyes out but i really i was really benefiting from that

[00:58:20] and then there was a few years when i was single and i started to find myself and i started not too long so much for romantic companionship and then i met nina and everything was different i guess the fear was there the fear of being owned being someone else's

[00:58:50] but it didn't really matter that much and and then we had a kid harriet and my life started in a way and you could argue that me and nina today friends separated a good separation

[00:59:18] with the teenage daughter is a tragic thing we failed you know but in other ways we did we really did win because we have this together the only thing that i well there's a lot of things that i mourn and regret and when i look back on on things throughout this

[00:59:49] first 50 years of my life i think maybe there's a lot that i would change if i were to go back but i can't and the most exciting part about all that is that i can use this whatever this is to enrich my upcoming 50 years that includes me talking to you sleepy good night and and

[01:00:19] and i think that is