The New Years Episode

[00:00:00] Hi Sleepy, just a very quick note before we start today's episode.

[00:00:04] Do you want to listen to this podcast without the ads?

[00:00:08] Then you absolutely can.

[00:00:10] Just subscribe to Fall asleep with Henrik plus.

[00:00:14] And to do so, you can just click the link in the podcast description and it'll be fixed.

[00:00:21] See you there.

[00:00:27] Jetzt ist Herbst und bald stehen schon wieder die Feiertage vor der Tür.

[00:00:31] Das kann auch für Hunde ganz schön stressig sein.

[00:00:34] Viele Vierbeine reagieren unter anderem mit einer gestörten Verdauung.

[00:00:37] Und das ist wiederum Stress für ihre Besitzer.

[00:00:40] Aber es gibt schnelle und einfache Hilfe.

[00:00:43] Das Probiotikum Purina Proplan Forti Flora.

[00:00:46] Streu einfach einen Beutel über das tägliche Futter.

[00:00:49] Die außergewöhnliche Zusammensetzung mit lebenden guten Darmbakterien

[00:00:53] stellt das Gleichgewicht im Darm wieder her.

[00:00:55] Natürlich kannst du Proplan Forti Flora auch präventiv

[00:00:58] oder bei alltäglichen Verdauungsbeschwerden einsetzen.

[00:01:01] Es unterstützt auch bei Ernährungsumstellungen oder Antibiotika-Einnahme.

[00:01:05] Purina Proplan Forti Flora.

[00:01:07] Jetzt auf shop.purina.de.

[00:01:44] Hi Sleepy.

[00:01:45] Next Tuesday, Monday, depending on where you are in the world.

[00:01:49] I will come up with a new episode.

[00:01:54] So with that said, I wish you a terrific end of 2024.

[00:02:02] Wherever you are, whomever you, whoever you are.

[00:02:07] And know that this has been my first year of Fall Asleep with Henrik.

[00:02:12] And I'm truly grateful for those of you who supported my podcast

[00:02:20] during this very sensitive first year.

[00:02:24] And as it looks now, I'm going to continue this into 2025.

[00:02:28] Thanks to you.

[00:02:30] So from my heart, thank you.

[00:02:34] And so without further ado, I present to you three episodes,

[00:02:40] three plus hours of sleep material.

[00:02:45] Happy New Year.

[00:02:49] Hi and welcome to Fall Asleep with Henrik.

[00:02:52] I'm Henrik.

[00:02:54] And you're sleepy.

[00:02:58] And it is what it is.

[00:03:02] What happens, happens.

[00:03:05] And right now there is nothing we can do.

[00:03:11] So here we go.

[00:03:16] Hi Sleepy.

[00:03:18] Hi.

[00:03:22] Okay, so it's yet again time for me to use this language that is not mine.

[00:03:32] That's dormant, deep within me.

[00:03:35] It's very, it's a curious thing because I go all week.

[00:03:42] Well, I use English from time to time throughout my week,

[00:03:47] but not in a real life-threatening sense, which is the case right now.

[00:03:55] Welcome to Fall Asleep with Henrik.

[00:03:57] And this is a sleep podcast, so you don't have to listen to what I say.

[00:04:02] My name is Henrik and I will just talk.

[00:04:04] I'm not going to use any methods or any pre-written scripts.

[00:04:10] I just talk.

[00:04:11] The things that come up in my mind will be today's shifting topics.

[00:04:17] And all you need to do is just be you.

[00:04:23] You can listen to what I say.

[00:04:25] I can promise you that I haven't put much thought into what I say.

[00:04:32] Or you can just turn me on in the background and just pretend I'm not there

[00:04:39] or that I'm your parents in the next room or something.

[00:04:42] Do you remember when you were a kid and it was time for you to fall asleep

[00:04:47] and you could hear the grown-ups in the other room?

[00:04:52] I remember that very vividly and it was a very soothing thing to be experiencing,

[00:05:00] especially when I visited my grandparents, my mom's mom and dad.

[00:05:09] They had this...

[00:05:15] The audio was different at grandma's and grandpa's place.

[00:05:20] And the smells were different.

[00:05:22] They had carpets that totally covered the floors.

[00:05:29] So you couldn't see the floor.

[00:05:31] You could just see these very thick 70s-style carpets.

[00:05:39] And they smoked a lot.

[00:05:41] But mom made them sit under the kitchen fan and smoke

[00:05:45] because otherwise she said she wouldn't bring her children to that house.

[00:05:51] So they sat like fools under the kitchen fan above the stove.

[00:05:57] And they smoked like two packets of cigs each day.

[00:06:05] But the smell was there anyway.

[00:06:08] Although they smoked under the fan, the smell was throughout the house.

[00:06:12] It was a very distinct but not very strong presence of cigarette smoke.

[00:06:20] But I thought of that smell as something exciting because it was exciting to be at grandma's and grandpa's place.

[00:06:32] The sounds were different.

[00:06:34] The smells and the food.

[00:06:37] And they had this soda down in the basement.

[00:06:43] It was for my grandpa's liquor.

[00:06:46] He mixed drinks with it.

[00:06:48] It was like fruit punch, sort of.

[00:06:50] And he mixed it with vodka, I think.

[00:06:55] But I didn't know that at the time.

[00:06:58] I just, anytime I was there, I was just very, very interested in the sodas downstairs

[00:07:05] because we didn't get any sugared drinks or anything sugared really when I was growing up.

[00:07:12] My mom was very much against sugar.

[00:07:18] She was against a lot of things.

[00:07:20] My mom was against, and now I'm going to count the ways.

[00:07:24] And before I do that, I want to let you know that I love my mom.

[00:07:27] And every parent has its downsides.

[00:07:32] My mother's downsides were the fact that she had a lot of rules which she imposed on us children very strictly, I think.

[00:07:45] And some of those rules I keep with me today, for instance,

[00:07:48] I am almost always on time.

[00:07:53] That was a thing for my mother.

[00:07:55] And also, I have this anxiety of having people dislike me.

[00:08:03] And I think that comes from my mom as well because my dad don't seem to have that gene.

[00:08:08] He doesn't seem to really care if someone likes him or not.

[00:08:13] But mom had this thing that whenever there were strangers or people that we didn't know too much,

[00:08:25] we had to be like perfect versions of ourselves.

[00:08:30] And I think she got that from her parents, my grandparents.

[00:08:33] Okay, so here are the rules which I abided by when I was a kid.

[00:08:40] So no sugar, no candy, no nothing.

[00:08:46] Nothing with sugar unless it was like a birthday or some months.

[00:08:55] We had like an occasional night when we rented a movie.

[00:09:02] Do you remember this?

[00:09:04] This was way before streaming when VHS was a thing.

[00:09:09] And we didn't have a VHS player.

[00:09:12] So we had to rent that.

[00:09:15] And it was called the movie box.

[00:09:17] So we rented the actual recorder, the VCR.

[00:09:26] And then we rented movies on VHS cassettes.

[00:09:30] And we made a night of it.

[00:09:32] And then I remember we could have like popcorn and such.

[00:09:38] But so no sugar and no TV if we didn't finish dinner.

[00:09:47] I remember this very clearly because it was horrible to watch some sibling that didn't want to finish his broccoli or whatever.

[00:09:57] And sitting there, you know, forcing yourself to eat while the other siblings are watching kids' shows on TV.

[00:10:11] TV was, you know, one hour every day except for weekends when there was no TV at all.

[00:10:20] I mean, compare this to today's children.

[00:10:23] It's almost impossible to think of them as non-consumers of moving entertainment.

[00:10:36] I had my comics and I read them again and again and again.

[00:10:43] Other rules, we had to behave perfectly when we had guests.

[00:10:47] There was this rule, very outspoken rule that if we misbehaved, that wasn't good.

[00:10:58] And misbehaving, I think it was this really, it was a very narrow corridor, this behaving thing.

[00:11:11] You know, just be a little angel.

[00:11:15] That's the thing that I really, I don't know why would you want your child to be an angel.

[00:11:22] I don't really get the tradition which my mother was a part of at least early on.

[00:11:32] I mean, she has six children, so I think we have nagged her a bit.

[00:11:36] We made her less rigid in that sense.

[00:11:42] But I have never understood the club of grown-ups that need their children to be like these little paintings of children.

[00:11:54] Why would you want a child that is just an image of a child?

[00:12:00] I mean, children are messy, wild, explorative, curious, hard beings, you know.

[00:12:11] It's hard to get them and it's hard to guide them.

[00:12:15] And that's what makes it beautiful, I think, because you can just imagine or extrapolate into the future the very exciting being that this child are going to be.

[00:12:29] So I believe that my mom made a mistake there.

[00:12:32] That doesn't mean I don't love her.

[00:12:34] That doesn't mean I don't think that she's done a terrific job.

[00:12:40] One of the things that her job really, that her way of being really helped me was throughout middle and high school, I was seriously bullied.

[00:12:54] And she and her strictness sort of carried me through all that.

[00:12:59] I never lost faith in me because of her very strong beliefs.

[00:13:08] She was a Catholic and she was also, together with my father, they were storytellers.

[00:13:16] Like their whole life together has been this woven narrative about how things turned out.

[00:13:28] And I have my own views now about this way of living.

[00:13:32] I mean, it can also constrict you in a way, telling the story of your life in a certain way and keep doing that like a mantra.

[00:13:41] I were the one who first made this and then made this and then this happened.

[00:13:47] You know, you can tell these stories about whole families hundreds of years back in history, if you want.

[00:13:53] And although it can be very attractive to carry that story, be a part of that story.

[00:14:02] I think it's, well, not hurtful, but it's, you get very limited, I think, using that type of narrative on your own life and your own family construction.

[00:14:19] But at that time, when I was bullied and helpless and a victim in so many senses of the word, these narratives really helped me.

[00:14:33] Because I was a part of something bigger, a part of something stronger.

[00:14:36] And there was this feeling of great support behind me.

[00:14:40] And I think that without that, I wouldn't be alive today.

[00:14:44] That's my, that's my narrative.

[00:14:48] And of course, that can be wrong.

[00:14:51] But as far as I'm concerned, I think my parents saved my life when I was a teenager.

[00:14:58] So everything I say about their shortcomings as parents, I say with the deepest respect and love, because I know that being a parent is not an easy thing.

[00:15:10] And God knows, being the parent of six children is, I mean, I couldn't imagine I have one, you know.

[00:15:21] So, yeah, but I really think that this very dogmatic way of upbringing is something that I don't really understand.

[00:15:31] I don't, I don't really get it.

[00:15:34] I don't really understand why you would want your child to be this perfect little being, like on a commercial poster in the 50s.

[00:15:48] I don't, like an ad, you know, an ad in a 50s ladies magazine.

[00:15:55] I don't get why you would want the child to be silent and angel-like.

[00:16:05] Of course, you don't want your children to, you know, kick the guests in the groin when they arrive.

[00:16:10] That, of course, would be frowned upon by, well, at least the guests.

[00:16:15] I don't mean that I want rabid children that just tears the apartment apart whenever there's something that differs from the ordinary.

[00:16:29] I mean, if I, well, I think that because I often got very good recommendations from my mom because I was very well behaved as a young boy, as a child.

[00:16:44] Because I knew what she wanted to see in me.

[00:16:48] I knew what she wanted me to be.

[00:16:52] So I gave her that.

[00:16:54] And, but that, that creates sort of gaps behind the facade.

[00:17:02] And that those gaps have been like this really troublesome thing for me growing up.

[00:17:13] The fact that I, I'm not really true, you know.

[00:17:17] I think of myself as not being completely true.

[00:17:21] Even though, well, what is truthfulness in a person?

[00:17:28] I mean, it depends, right?

[00:17:30] You can't just go around being truthful to everyone.

[00:17:33] And that has this, this polarization between truth and lie have been this very dramatic thing in me,

[00:17:46] which I never really come to terms with.

[00:17:48] I have this compulsive need to share the truth with everyone.

[00:17:57] I mean, look at me or listen to me.

[00:18:00] I'm right here talking about my upbringing, you know.

[00:18:05] So I have this need to not leave anything out.

[00:18:10] On the other hand, I, I am a public figure.

[00:18:16] I need to keep stuff out.

[00:18:18] I can't just, I mean, even if I weren't a public figure, I, I would need to keep stuff out of the attention of other people.

[00:18:28] Of course, we all need to, well, lie, you know, because it's necessary.

[00:18:35] I mean, I can't just go around telling everyone about everything.

[00:18:42] So this is a conflict for me.

[00:18:45] And I, I constantly feel dishonest in a way.

[00:18:51] Even though I think right now, for example, I feel like I am lying.

[00:18:58] And I don't know why.

[00:19:00] Maybe because I'm structuring the stuff I'm saying.

[00:19:06] Or maybe because I'm choosing my words so that I won't say things that will hurt someone or something.

[00:19:14] Or something hurt the, the everlasting beings up in the air.

[00:19:19] Or, no, but I'm, well, I, I, yeah, it feels like I'm somewhat manipulating, you know.

[00:19:32] Although I can honestly say with my intellect that I am not.

[00:19:38] I don't know what I'm doing.

[00:19:40] I just talk, you know.

[00:19:42] So there's this underlying constant feeling of me being, not being what I put myself up.

[00:19:53] What I, what I tell you that I am, you know.

[00:19:58] And this is just a construct in my own brain.

[00:20:01] And it comes from the fact when my mother, she really demanded total honesty.

[00:20:10] In a sense that I think she asked too much of me.

[00:20:16] I think you should leave children alone.

[00:20:19] Not alone as in emotionally alone.

[00:20:23] But I think that you should leave children alone in their own worlds, you know.

[00:20:31] To find their own attributes.

[00:20:32] And if you're going to guide them and give them stuff that can help them through life, don't force it upon them.

[00:20:42] Unless, you know, the circumstances are such that, well, if you don't force it upon them, they will hurt, you know.

[00:20:54] But I would have benefited from free reign, you know, when I was a kid.

[00:21:00] And I'm not talking about free reign, like walking around everywhere.

[00:21:04] Because we really, I was brought up in the woods and we went everywhere.

[00:21:10] Ma was afraid of cars.

[00:21:12] But there was almost no car.

[00:21:14] Cars in the village where I was brought up.

[00:21:18] But there was a lot of forests.

[00:21:20] So we went, like, everywhere in the woods and there was no restrictions around that.

[00:21:28] But I would have benefited from more emotional free reign, I think, because...

[00:21:33] And I see this in many of my siblings as well, that we had this very...

[00:21:38] We feel, like, constantly that we are or other people are going outside this narrow corridor of good behavior, you know.

[00:21:49] And I haven't behaved good in my life.

[00:21:54] That's not my, you know, call sign.

[00:21:59] The good behaved one.

[00:22:01] I have been a normal person, making normal mistakes and hurting people.

[00:22:10] I've hurt people and I've hurt myself.

[00:22:15] And I have done, like, everyone, you know, through life.

[00:22:21] But for some reason, I have the demands on me from within that I can't do those mistakes.

[00:22:31] I can't hurt people.

[00:22:33] I can't misbehave.

[00:22:35] I can't be too drunk at a party and say something weird to someone.

[00:22:42] I can't do that because I'm me.

[00:22:45] And there are a lot of stuff on my shoulders, you know, that feeling.

[00:22:52] And I could have lived without that.

[00:22:54] I could have grown up without that.

[00:22:57] And that makes me, well, sad in a way because I look at my own daughter and I see that...

[00:23:05] Or rather, I can't see why I would want to put something on her from above or from the outside.

[00:23:12] I just, I can't see why.

[00:23:15] What are the benefits of teaching a child to stand straight in line when she doesn't fit in that line?

[00:23:30] I can't...

[00:23:31] I'm not talking about this bewildered child that just does whatever she wants.

[00:23:37] Of course, there's a world around her that she needs to respect and such.

[00:23:42] And I don't know if I...

[00:23:44] Well, things would have been different if I had a child that was very keen on breaking rules and such, but she's not.

[00:23:52] So...

[00:23:55] But I wasn't either, you know.

[00:23:58] I was like her, you know, careful and listening and adaptive.

[00:24:05] I just can't understand why you would want to impose...

[00:24:11] Why you would want to put something on top of that child.

[00:24:16] Because it's a perfect being, you know, in a way.

[00:24:20] Limitless.

[00:24:21] But the fact that I can think about this now, I think is a good measure of that my parents weren't all bad.

[00:24:33] No, they weren't bad.

[00:24:36] I mean, I know now that being a parent is like this constant struggle between what you believe is right and compromises and what you think you should do.

[00:24:53] And what other people tell you to do.

[00:24:58] There's so many things tearing from different parts of you.

[00:25:05] And I have also a few siblings that were born with kind of different diseases and handicaps that made it difficult to just live a normal life.

[00:25:22] And that's...

[00:25:24] Yeah.

[00:25:27] So, I didn't want this episode to be about how I think about my upbringing.

[00:25:38] I tend to return to these matters more often these days.

[00:25:43] I don't know why.

[00:25:44] Maybe it's because I feel safe when I do this in English.

[00:25:49] I'm not sure.

[00:25:52] But I want to emphasize again that I have the utmost respect for my parents and I don't blame them.

[00:26:00] Well, maybe I do.

[00:26:01] Maybe I did back in the day.

[00:26:04] But I also feel that you reach a point in your life when it becomes just useless to just go around blaming people.

[00:26:13] I mean, why?

[00:26:14] What good is there in blaming?

[00:26:18] I mean, I can ask questions like these.

[00:26:23] And I have asked my mother about this as well.

[00:26:26] And she says that it's what she believed in back then.

[00:26:31] You know?

[00:26:32] Well, she's not like this anymore.

[00:26:35] And she was young.

[00:26:37] She was 24 when she got me.

[00:26:39] And I mean, what 24-year-old has it all figured out?

[00:26:45] I know I didn't.

[00:26:47] On my 24th birthday, I fell asleep at the stairs outside of a Burger King.

[00:26:53] And I got woken up by this security guard who said that if you don't get out of here, I'm going to call the cops.

[00:27:00] And you don't want to end up in the police station.

[00:27:08] Believe me.

[00:27:09] He said it like a warning.

[00:27:10] And I skedaddled out of there.

[00:27:13] We had been at this great green area called Djurgården in Swedish.

[00:27:29] In English, it's like the king's old hunting grounds, which is in modern times open to the public.

[00:27:40] It's not for the king anymore.

[00:27:41] And you can't bring your rifle in there to hunt deer or whatever.

[00:27:44] It's just this big green park in Stockholm.

[00:27:49] And we were there playing.

[00:27:53] I don't know what you call it.

[00:27:56] In Swedish, it's called Brännboll.

[00:28:00] It's almost like baseball, but it's not baseball.

[00:28:04] There are almost no rules.

[00:28:06] You just swing your bat.

[00:28:10] And with bat, I mean like a literal bat.

[00:28:13] Like not a baseball bat, but it's the animal, a bat.

[00:28:19] So the bat comes down from the sky and you swing it round and round and round until you fall in love with a bat.

[00:28:26] And then you kiss the bat like very passionately.

[00:28:30] And then you fall into a bat dream.

[00:28:37] No, but we were there.

[00:28:38] We were drinking heavily.

[00:28:40] I remember wine and beer.

[00:28:43] And we were celebrating my 24th birthday.

[00:28:47] And I thought that I was the king of the world because I had a job at the Swedish kids show on Swedish state television.

[00:28:58] And I thought that I was this big shot.

[00:29:03] You know, I tend to trash talk young Henrik.

[00:29:09] And I'm not really fond of that.

[00:29:13] That I do that.

[00:29:16] Because he was fine.

[00:29:20] He was a bit lost, I think.

[00:29:22] And he had just discovered alcohol and he was very fond of it.

[00:29:26] He just loved how alcohol just changed his perspective on things.

[00:29:33] He could enjoy his own success, for instance.

[00:29:37] The thing that young sober Henrik couldn't, he just thought that he wasn't worth it really.

[00:29:43] Because, as I said before, he was, according to himself, at some level, not worthy of this.

[00:29:52] Because he was lying about something that he couldn't identify.

[00:30:00] But when drunk, young Henrik was ecstatic, you know.

[00:30:06] I remember crying of happiness when drunk.

[00:30:13] Yeah, it's true.

[00:30:14] I remember really feeling like I was at home.

[00:30:19] In me and in the world.

[00:30:22] That I stood there among friends.

[00:30:25] Remembering the hard years, previous years in high school with bullying.

[00:30:32] And I remember just crying out of happiness.

[00:30:41] Watching my friends doing something stupid over by the waterline.

[00:30:49] And just crying.

[00:30:54] Like, vividly.

[00:31:00] Yeah.

[00:31:02] So, he was lost.

[00:31:04] But he was fine.

[00:31:05] As you can see now, when I tell you about him.

[00:31:08] He was also, like, he looked like he was like 13 years old when he was 19, 20.

[00:31:16] He was, he was very, he looked like a kid for very long.

[00:31:23] And I still get, people ask me how old I am.

[00:31:30] I don't, I don't get to show idea.

[00:31:33] I, ID.

[00:31:35] Whenever I go out.

[00:31:37] On clubs nowadays.

[00:31:39] Nowadays, people just assume I am older than the limitation.

[00:31:45] But people still ask me, are you really 49 years old?

[00:31:52] and then always I get happy but then I feel like I have let them down in a way I haven't told them

[00:32:05] the whole truth I haven't told them that I don't know that I'm not really looking young

[00:32:13] I am really I really look old except I've been misleading them for some reason and in what way

[00:32:24] I don't know I just have this feeling that I'm never really honest and as long as I tell you

[00:32:36] everything then I can keep that feeling of me keeping the truth from you at bay but

[00:32:49] you can't really tell someone everything can you because everything is everything so if I were to

[00:32:56] tell you everything right now I would need to go into very specific details about how I'm sitting

[00:33:01] in the chair that I'm sitting in how my hands are placed and what what my clothes look like and

[00:33:12] what color is the lighting actually there's no lighting in here now I've just turned off the

[00:33:19] lights the only light I can see is the is the light falling in through the window with the blinds

[00:33:28] lights and the little light on the television it's a bright white light from a small lamp at the

[00:33:42] television and right now I can hear that Nina is getting in the car and driving away I don't know

[00:33:54] where she's going or where she's gonna go I guess she's got a reason but I just don't want to know

[00:34:02] because for 24 years I've been living next door to Alice whenever I hear that song I think of

[00:34:12] I was at this after ski party many years ago at this ski resort in northern Sweden and

[00:34:22] there do you know that if you do a cover on that um if you do a cover on um now it's there I get a

[00:34:33] phone call as well well I guess I'm gonna have to return that call yeah you know when when you have

[00:34:45] cover bands they play and they play this Alice song and then they make a break from for the audience to

[00:34:53] say who the fuck is Alice you know so for 24 years I've been living next door to Alice instrument stops

[00:35:02] singing stops who the fuck is Alice yeah and that's a funny thing you know because who the fuck is Alice you

[00:35:11] don't know in the song but these are things that make like typical like jokingly cover bands use

[00:35:24] and it's um when more serious artists perform then they just do the ordinary the regular song you know

[00:35:34] they don't pause for the audience to ask who the fuck is Alice and in this case there was this band and

[00:35:41] it was a very serious band and they played this Alice song and the audience were like skiers drunk

[00:35:49] after a day up the hill you know and whenever they sung the word Alice everyone tried to get in the

[00:35:58] audience tried to get this who the fuck is Alice chant going but it didn't work because the band didn't

[00:36:04] let them in so it was a very very awkward moment when the band got more and more annoyed because

[00:36:13] you know drunk people they don't tend to be like this very instrumentally talented people with

[00:36:26] incompromisable sense of pace and volume so it resulted in just a huge way of just people saying

[00:36:39] Alice Alice Alice Alice Alice you know so do you know what my my phone call was

[00:36:57] my phone call was that I have just got a car and it's being delivered to me this week I just got a note of it

[00:37:08] oh god that's very funny so the day after tomorrow

[00:37:21] oh oh so I have leased a car on my firm and I'm going to start using it

[00:37:33] like instantly okay so that was a small detail uh out of my day I'm sorry for bothering you with it

[00:37:43] sleepy how are you by the way are you sleeping still or yet I mean maybe I should say

[00:37:52] I want to thank all of you who keeps writing to me emails and dms it's uh still something I need to

[00:38:05] pinch myself in order to understand that it's real the fact that you people from all over the world

[00:38:15] Ireland England the US India Germany Poland Hungary

[00:38:24] I mean it's it's a great it's a wonderful thing to get messages from you and people telling me that

[00:38:38] my podcast works and it really puts them to sleep or keeps them company or whatever you need

[00:38:45] that makes me really happy thank you and now I I've totally run out of inspiration

[00:38:55] maybe that's what happens when you trash talk your parents for the first half hour of the episode

[00:39:02] no I don't want you to think that I'm trash talking because I'm not really but I think I've reached an age

[00:39:10] where I can you know I need to speak about what it was like to grow up and I don't want to wait

[00:39:17] you know until my parents are gone and you know because I say this the thing I say the things I say

[00:39:24] about them is with utmost respect yeah as I've said before because it's not easy to be a parent

[00:39:35] maybe being a parent is the hardest thing there is at least for a human with so much cookies

[00:39:44] cookies on the cookie table cookies of ideology and rules and dogma and maybe it's just yeah

[00:39:56] the thing that really the great question in my mind about being a parent is where does your

[00:40:17] responsibility end where is the line how do you recognize the line over which you cannot step

[00:40:29] to rule or decide or protect or you know where does your reign end and it's not just about the kid's

[00:40:46] age because of course it's a different reign for different ages maybe your kingdom shrinks you know

[00:40:54] as the kid grows older and when you're when the kid is 18 and above you know that your your kingdom is like

[00:41:04] this little province far beyond them that really makes me sad you know that I'm going to be this little

[00:41:16] province in her great great life oh god that hit me really hard right now the thing is with being a

[00:41:33] parent I don't think we will ever really learn what it's like or what it's supposed to be like

[00:41:43] in all its shapes and forms because it's you can't really be a functioning parent you can tell yourself you're

[00:41:58] that you can tell other people how to be a perfect parent but it since we're being honest here

[00:42:08] I mean there are no no good parents in that objective sense there are just parents I am just a parent

[00:42:18] and I don't I haven't got a clue about how to do things right I can only measure my own childhood or at

[00:42:37] least my own memory of my childhood and then trying to apply that on my daughter's childhood

[00:42:46] the thing that I don't really understand is when are you supposed to be this firm

[00:42:57] statue of a being

[00:43:00] the one that just points in the right direction without intervening

[00:43:05] and when are you supposed to be this liquid

[00:43:10] warm

[00:43:11] ever-present

[00:43:13] ever-present

[00:43:14] parent running through every pore of your child like the surrounding force that controls and steers and tells and comforts and whispers and

[00:43:34] and I know that

[00:43:37] the truth probably is somewhere in between but I would really love to have a

[00:43:41] some sort of schematic you know

[00:43:45] some sort of

[00:43:47] rule book or

[00:43:49] a template or something that I could just apply

[00:43:52] and the thing that I really find hard the hardest maybe is that she doesn't always tell me how she feels about stuff

[00:44:09] and

[00:44:10] then I

[00:44:12] since her feelings and her well-being are my number one concern in almost

[00:44:18] everyday

[00:44:20] life

[00:44:21] whatever happens you know

[00:44:24] then I

[00:44:25] since she doesn't tell me

[00:44:27] nor should she I mean

[00:44:29] it's wonderful when she does but

[00:44:31] she doesn't owe me an explanation

[00:44:33] I wouldn't

[00:44:34] I

[00:44:35] that's the thing that I don't understand from my own upbringing

[00:44:38] why would you demand

[00:44:39] your child to tell you like

[00:44:42] everything

[00:44:45] you have put your child into the world

[00:44:48] they don't owe you

[00:44:49] anything

[00:44:51] I mean that

[00:44:53] you have put them into the world

[00:44:55] I mean these old narratives when

[00:44:57] I have fed you and

[00:45:00] kept you safe throughout your childhood years

[00:45:02] you owe me

[00:45:05] that's not

[00:45:05] I mean you were the one who put that child into the world

[00:45:08] the child didn't ask for you

[00:45:10] to keep it

[00:45:11] or to

[00:45:12] to bring it up

[00:45:14] or

[00:45:14] the child is

[00:45:15] is an innocent

[00:45:20] and that

[00:45:21] that innocent child

[00:45:23] doesn't owe you anything

[00:45:25] it's nice when they treat you good

[00:45:27] you know

[00:45:29] and

[00:45:30] of course there's a function of you telling your child that

[00:45:34] they are supposed to be

[00:45:37] nice people

[00:45:38] including

[00:45:39] a nice to you

[00:45:41] but I wouldn't

[00:45:43] I would never

[00:45:45] demand my daughter to

[00:45:47] give or show me anything

[00:45:49] because she didn't choose life

[00:45:51] I choose it for her

[00:45:53] and

[00:45:54] that can be

[00:45:55] considered a gift

[00:45:56] but

[00:45:57] that is not the point

[00:45:59] so I gave her this gift

[00:46:01] she didn't ask for it

[00:46:03] because she couldn't

[00:46:04] because she didn't exist

[00:46:05] and

[00:46:06] now she's here

[00:46:07] and she has to deal with all this

[00:46:09] life

[00:46:10] you know

[00:46:10] and I'm not saying

[00:46:12] that

[00:46:13] she shouldn't

[00:46:14] you know

[00:46:15] and I'm not saying that she's a mess

[00:46:18] or that she's

[00:46:19] unhappy

[00:46:20] or

[00:46:20] anything

[00:46:21] it's just

[00:46:24] she doesn't owe me anything

[00:46:25] because I

[00:46:26] put her into this world

[00:46:30] and

[00:46:30] if I say that you owe me

[00:46:32] because I put you into this world

[00:46:34] then I say that this world

[00:46:35] is

[00:46:36] you know

[00:46:37] the meaning of it all

[00:46:38] and I

[00:46:38] I don't really buy that

[00:46:40] I don't really buy into that sense of

[00:46:43] that something

[00:46:44] is a meaning

[00:46:45] and some other things

[00:46:47] are not

[00:46:48] but

[00:46:54] the

[00:46:55] the thing that

[00:47:01] really bothers me is

[00:47:03] that I tend

[00:47:05] to feel

[00:47:06] her emotion

[00:47:08] because

[00:47:09] I have to fantasize

[00:47:11] about what they are

[00:47:12] because she's her own

[00:47:13] person

[00:47:14] and

[00:47:15] sometimes

[00:47:16] she doesn't have the words

[00:47:17] to describe what she's going through

[00:47:19] at any given moment

[00:47:20] and other times

[00:47:21] she doesn't want to tell me

[00:47:22] because it's private

[00:47:23] you know

[00:47:24] and I

[00:47:26] I ask

[00:47:28] and

[00:47:29] when I don't get

[00:47:30] an answer

[00:47:30] but I can see that

[00:47:31] she's going through something

[00:47:33] then I start to

[00:47:34] experience her feelings

[00:47:36] for her

[00:47:37] and that's

[00:47:38] I think that's the hardest part

[00:47:40] of being a parent

[00:47:42] because I have my own memories

[00:47:44] and my own trauma

[00:47:45] from childhood

[00:47:46] and

[00:47:48] they have

[00:47:49] nothing to do with her

[00:47:51] but still

[00:47:52] in my mind

[00:47:53] I connect

[00:47:54] her dots to mine

[00:47:55] and

[00:47:56] that doesn't make it easier

[00:47:58] for me

[00:48:01] but I don't tell her

[00:48:02] that of course

[00:48:03] I try not to share that

[00:48:05] with her

[00:48:06] and that's another painful thing

[00:48:07] about being a parent

[00:48:08] all the things

[00:48:10] that you cannot share

[00:48:12] because she's

[00:48:13] I mean

[00:48:14] as any parent

[00:48:15] know

[00:48:16] that

[00:48:16] she's like

[00:48:18] I have never loved

[00:48:20] someone

[00:48:21] in that

[00:48:21] way

[00:48:22] you know

[00:48:24] the

[00:48:24] the love you have

[00:48:26] for your child

[00:48:27] is

[00:48:27] there is nothing

[00:48:29] like it

[00:48:30] and I mean that

[00:48:32] in a real sense

[00:48:33] because

[00:48:33] any other kind

[00:48:34] of love

[00:48:34] is

[00:48:37] yeah

[00:48:37] it can be deep

[00:48:39] and amazing

[00:48:40] and

[00:48:40] and lift you to

[00:48:42] new skies

[00:48:45] but

[00:48:46] nothing goes

[00:48:47] so deep

[00:48:48] as the love

[00:48:48] that you carry

[00:48:49] for your own child

[00:48:51] at least that's

[00:48:52] the case for me

[00:48:53] and I'm

[00:48:53] I'm not

[00:48:54] saying that

[00:48:55] just to

[00:48:56] paint a picture

[00:48:57] of me

[00:48:57] as this

[00:48:57] wonderful

[00:48:58] person

[00:48:59] I'm saying

[00:49:00] it because

[00:49:01] it's a wonderful

[00:49:05] thing to have

[00:49:06] that

[00:49:06] but at the

[00:49:08] same time

[00:49:09] it's hard

[00:49:10] to

[00:49:11] it's also

[00:49:12] unbearably

[00:49:13] hard

[00:49:15] not being able

[00:49:16] to tell

[00:49:18] because

[00:49:19] when she was

[00:49:19] a little

[00:49:20] baby

[00:49:21] you know

[00:49:21] you knew

[00:49:22] everything

[00:49:23] I knew

[00:49:24] everything

[00:49:24] that was going

[00:49:25] on with her

[00:49:25] and if I didn't

[00:49:27] I could just

[00:49:28] find out

[00:49:29] you know

[00:49:29] there were no

[00:49:31] barriers

[00:49:33] the only

[00:49:34] limitation

[00:49:35] was the

[00:49:35] language barrier

[00:49:36] when she

[00:49:37] didn't

[00:49:38] know

[00:49:38] how to speak

[00:49:39] so well

[00:49:40] but I miss

[00:49:45] I miss

[00:49:48] being in the

[00:49:49] whole world

[00:49:50] I do

[00:49:52] this sounds

[00:49:53] so cliche

[00:49:54] but I miss

[00:49:55] being

[00:49:55] like

[00:49:56] the alpha

[00:49:57] and the omega

[00:49:58] I wish

[00:50:01] I

[00:50:02] wouldn't

[00:50:03] be just

[00:50:04] this little

[00:50:04] dry

[00:50:07] uninteresting

[00:50:07] province

[00:50:09] back in

[00:50:10] ancient days

[00:50:11] still I don't

[00:50:15] want to be

[00:50:16] the world

[00:50:16] you know

[00:50:18] a nightmare

[00:50:19] for her

[00:50:20] to have

[00:50:21] her own

[00:50:21] world

[00:50:22] as me

[00:50:23] a teenager

[00:50:24] you know

[00:50:25] growing up

[00:50:26] in this

[00:50:27] world

[00:50:28] you know

[00:50:28] with all

[00:50:29] the possibilities

[00:50:30] and all

[00:50:30] the drama

[00:50:31] and stuff

[00:50:34] going on

[00:50:34] in the world

[00:50:35] I mean

[00:50:35] who would

[00:50:36] want to

[00:50:37] live in

[00:50:37] my little

[00:50:39] universe

[00:50:39] it's

[00:50:40] so tiny

[00:50:42] I guess

[00:50:43] I'm just

[00:50:43] scared

[00:50:44] that

[00:50:44] when I

[00:50:46] really

[00:50:46] truly

[00:50:47] become

[00:50:47] this

[00:50:48] little

[00:50:48] ancient

[00:50:49] province

[00:50:49] with dusty

[00:50:52] roads

[00:50:52] and

[00:50:54] old

[00:50:55] milk

[00:50:56] bins

[00:50:57] out by

[00:50:57] the road

[00:50:59] and

[00:51:00] cows

[00:51:01] gently

[00:51:02] chewing

[00:51:03] their

[00:51:04] grass

[00:51:04] as the

[00:51:06] crickets

[00:51:07] go on

[00:51:08] about

[00:51:08] their

[00:51:09] daily

[00:51:09] noises

[00:51:10] and

[00:51:11] I

[00:51:12] have

[00:51:13] worn

[00:51:14] out

[00:51:14] jeans

[00:51:15] and

[00:51:15] a flannel

[00:51:17] squared

[00:51:18] flannel

[00:51:19] shirts

[00:51:19] and a

[00:51:20] cap

[00:51:21] and I

[00:51:21] just

[00:51:24] push

[00:51:25] the cap

[00:51:26] back

[00:51:27] glaring

[00:51:28] against

[00:51:28] the sun

[00:51:29] talking

[00:51:30] about

[00:51:30] coffee

[00:51:31] time

[00:51:32] and

[00:51:33] she's

[00:51:34] just

[00:51:34] home

[00:51:34] for the

[00:51:35] day

[00:51:36] and

[00:51:37] she

[00:51:37] finds

[00:51:38] everything

[00:51:38] so

[00:51:39] small

[00:51:39] all

[00:51:40] the

[00:51:40] stuff

[00:51:41] that

[00:51:41] were

[00:51:42] overwhelmingly

[00:51:44] huge

[00:51:45] for her

[00:51:45] when she

[00:51:46] was a

[00:51:46] baby

[00:51:46] now

[00:51:48] it's

[00:51:48] just

[00:51:49] toys

[00:51:51] on a

[00:51:52] forgotten

[00:51:53] playground

[00:51:55] and

[00:51:55] she

[00:51:56] feels

[00:51:56] pity

[00:51:58] she

[00:51:58] pities

[00:51:59] you

[00:51:59] because

[00:51:59] you

[00:51:59] don't

[00:52:00] know

[00:52:00] more

[00:52:00] than

[00:52:01] you

[00:52:01] do

[00:52:01] you're

[00:52:02] just

[00:52:02] stuck

[00:52:03] in

[00:52:03] this

[00:52:03] little

[00:52:03] land

[00:52:04] this

[00:52:04] little

[00:52:05] province

[00:52:06] while

[00:52:07] she

[00:52:07] she's

[00:52:08] out

[00:52:08] and

[00:52:09] about

[00:52:09] it's

[00:52:10] almost

[00:52:10] like

[00:52:11] she's

[00:52:11] on

[00:52:11] another

[00:52:11] planet

[00:52:12] it's

[00:52:12] almost

[00:52:13] like

[00:52:13] she's

[00:52:14] stepping

[00:52:14] onto

[00:52:15] a

[00:52:15] rocket

[00:52:15] going

[00:52:16] to

[00:52:16] the

[00:52:16] stars

[00:52:17] and

[00:52:18] you're

[00:52:18] so

[00:52:19] proud

[00:52:19] of

[00:52:19] her

[00:52:19] and

[00:52:20] you

[00:52:20] you're

[00:52:21] so

[00:52:22] impressed

[00:52:22] by

[00:52:22] her

[00:52:23] and

[00:52:23] her

[00:52:23] journey

[00:52:23] but

[00:52:24] still

[00:52:26] you

[00:52:26] miss

[00:52:26] her

[00:52:27] you know

[00:52:27] you

[00:52:28] miss

[00:52:28] her

[00:52:28] like

[00:52:28] you

[00:52:29] miss

[00:52:29] you

[00:52:30] would

[00:52:30] miss

[00:52:30] your

[00:52:30] arm

[00:52:31] if

[00:52:31] it

[00:52:31] fell

[00:52:31] off

[00:52:31] and

[00:52:32] went

[00:52:32] to

[00:52:32] the

[00:52:33] stars

[00:52:35] and

[00:52:36] I

[00:52:39] guess

[00:52:39] I

[00:52:39] worry

[00:52:39] because

[00:52:42] sometimes

[00:52:42] when I

[00:52:43] visit

[00:52:43] my

[00:52:43] parents

[00:52:44] I

[00:52:45] have

[00:52:45] that

[00:52:45] feeling

[00:52:47] that

[00:52:47] old

[00:52:48] province

[00:52:50] small

[00:52:50] and dusty

[00:52:51] roads

[00:52:53] and

[00:52:54] old

[00:52:54] values

[00:52:56] and

[00:52:56] rules

[00:52:57] and

[00:52:58] dogmas

[00:52:58] and

[00:53:01] fragments

[00:53:02] of

[00:53:02] something

[00:53:03] that

[00:53:03] used

[00:53:03] to

[00:53:03] be

[00:53:03] me

[00:53:04] but

[00:53:04] it's

[00:53:04] not

[00:53:04] anymore

[00:53:05] and

[00:53:06] sometimes

[00:53:06] it's

[00:53:07] painful

[00:53:08] it's

[00:53:09] painful

[00:53:10] to just

[00:53:10] be near

[00:53:11] those

[00:53:12] fragments

[00:53:12] because

[00:53:13] they

[00:53:14] bring

[00:53:14] thoughts

[00:53:15] where did

[00:53:16] everything

[00:53:16] go

[00:53:17] really

[00:53:19] what

[00:53:19] did

[00:53:20] I do

[00:53:20] with

[00:53:20] it

[00:53:20] all

[00:53:20] did

[00:53:21] I

[00:53:22] just

[00:53:23] lost

[00:53:23] it

[00:53:24] along

[00:53:24] the

[00:53:24] way

[00:53:24] or

[00:53:26] am

[00:53:27] I

[00:53:27] still

[00:53:27] here

[00:53:28] all

[00:53:29] the

[00:53:29] me's

[00:53:29] that

[00:53:30] went

[00:53:30] through

[00:53:31] all

[00:53:31] these

[00:53:31] years

[00:53:31] in

[00:53:32] that

[00:53:32] old

[00:53:32] province

[00:53:35] so

[00:53:35] I

[00:53:35] feel

[00:53:35] sad

[00:53:36] that

[00:53:36] I'm

[00:53:37] about

[00:53:37] to

[00:53:37] be

[00:53:37] a

[00:53:37] province

[00:53:38] and

[00:53:38] I

[00:53:38] feel

[00:53:39] scared

[00:53:39] that

[00:53:40] maybe

[00:53:41] she

[00:53:42] will

[00:53:43] see

[00:53:43] me

[00:53:43] as

[00:53:44] this

[00:53:44] province

[00:53:44] and

[00:53:45] she

[00:53:54] and

[00:53:55] that's

[00:53:55] the

[00:53:55] line

[00:53:56] between

[00:53:56] you know

[00:53:56] being

[00:53:57] the

[00:53:57] statue

[00:53:58] parent

[00:53:58] and

[00:53:59] the

[00:53:59] warm

[00:53:59] liquid

[00:54:00] ever

[00:54:00] present

[00:54:01] parent

[00:54:01] you know

[00:54:05] when

[00:54:06] do I

[00:54:06] step

[00:54:06] off

[00:54:07] when

[00:54:08] do I

[00:54:08] wave

[00:54:09] goodbye

[00:54:10] and

[00:54:11] that's

[00:54:12] I mean

[00:54:12] it hurts

[00:54:13] so much

[00:54:14] sleepy

[00:54:14] sometimes

[00:54:15] when I

[00:54:16] think about

[00:54:16] it

[00:54:16] it feels

[00:54:17] like

[00:54:17] I

[00:54:18] want

[00:54:18] to

[00:54:18] cry

[00:54:19] but

[00:54:19] I

[00:54:20] can't

[00:54:21] muster

[00:54:22] the

[00:54:22] tears

[00:54:24] they

[00:54:24] can't

[00:54:25] I

[00:54:25] don't

[00:54:26] sometimes

[00:54:26] I

[00:54:27] really

[00:54:27] want

[00:54:27] to

[00:54:27] cry

[00:54:28] but

[00:54:28] I

[00:54:28] can't

[00:54:30] because

[00:54:30] I

[00:54:30] want

[00:54:31] it

[00:54:31] too

[00:54:31] much

[00:54:31] you

[00:54:31] know

[00:54:31] it

[00:54:32] would

[00:54:32] be

[00:54:32] such

[00:54:32] a

[00:54:32] relief

[00:54:33] to

[00:54:33] cry

[00:54:34] about

[00:54:34] stuff

[00:54:34] but

[00:54:35] then

[00:54:35] my

[00:54:35] brain

[00:54:36] says

[00:54:36] no

[00:54:36] you

[00:54:36] can't

[00:54:36] cry

[00:54:37] about

[00:54:37] this

[00:54:37] you

[00:54:37] need

[00:54:38] to

[00:54:38] solve

[00:54:38] this

[00:54:38] and

[00:54:45] I

[00:54:53] like

[00:54:54] it

[00:54:54] used

[00:54:54] to

[00:54:55] be

[00:54:55] before

[00:54:55] I

[00:54:57] ended

[00:54:57] up

[00:54:58] with

[00:54:58] the

[00:54:58] family

[00:54:58] I

[00:54:59] want

[00:54:59] to

[00:54:59] be

[00:54:59] like

[00:55:00] this

[00:55:02] unasked

[00:55:03] untouched

[00:55:05] freedom

[00:55:06] ghost

[00:55:07] you know

[00:55:09] I

[00:55:09] want

[00:55:09] to

[00:55:09] sit

[00:55:10] in

[00:55:11] the

[00:55:11] cinema

[00:55:11] when

[00:55:12] the

[00:55:14] subtitles

[00:55:14] roll

[00:55:15] by

[00:55:15] and

[00:55:15] everyone

[00:55:15] rises

[00:55:16] and

[00:55:16] hits

[00:55:17] the

[00:55:17] exit

[00:55:19] and

[00:55:21] but

[00:55:21] not me

[00:55:22] because

[00:55:22] I

[00:55:26] life

[00:55:26] comes

[00:55:27] back

[00:55:27] and

[00:55:28] I

[00:55:28] just

[00:55:29] want

[00:55:29] to

[00:55:29] be

[00:55:29] here

[00:55:29] because

[00:55:30] it's

[00:55:30] been

[00:55:30] so

[00:55:30] long

[00:55:31] since

[00:55:31] I

[00:55:32] just

[00:55:33] got

[00:55:33] to

[00:55:34] take

[00:55:34] care

[00:55:34] of

[00:55:34] just

[00:55:34] me

[00:55:35] not

[00:55:36] thinking

[00:55:36] about

[00:55:36] someone

[00:55:37] else's

[00:55:37] feelings

[00:55:38] or

[00:55:38] situation

[00:55:39] and

[00:55:40] I

[00:55:40] can

[00:55:58] that

[00:55:59] as

[00:55:59] well

[00:55:59] but

[00:56:02] the

[00:56:03] missing

[00:56:04] out

[00:56:04] thing

[00:56:04] is

[00:56:07] smaller

[00:56:09] than

[00:56:09] the

[00:56:09] fact

[00:56:10] that

[00:56:10] I

[00:56:10] I

[00:56:13] mourn

[00:56:15] her

[00:56:17] tiny

[00:56:17] years

[00:56:18] I

[00:56:19] mourn

[00:56:19] her

[00:56:20] tiny

[00:56:20] feet

[00:56:20] her

[00:56:22] tiny

[00:56:22] hands

[00:56:22] her

[00:56:23] tiny

[00:56:23] voice

[00:56:24] her

[00:56:25] tiny

[00:56:25] hair

[00:56:26] and

[00:56:26] her

[00:56:26] tiny

[00:56:26] look

[00:56:27] at

[00:56:33] the

[00:56:33] beginning

[00:56:34] and

[00:56:34] the

[00:56:34] end

[00:56:34] that

[00:56:37] I

[00:56:38] had

[00:56:38] everything

[00:56:41] and

[00:56:41] I

[00:56:42] want

[00:56:42] to

[00:56:42] carry

[00:56:43] her

[00:56:43] through

[00:56:43] life

[00:56:44] you

[00:56:44] know

[00:56:44] but

[00:56:44] I

[00:56:44] know

[00:56:44] that

[00:56:44] I

[00:56:45] can't

[00:56:45] and

[00:56:50] I'm

[00:56:51] worried

[00:56:51] about

[00:56:51] her

[00:56:51] she's

[00:56:55] a

[00:56:55] teenager

[00:56:55] you

[00:56:56] know

[00:56:56] all

[00:56:56] the

[00:56:57] stuff

[00:56:57] that

[00:56:57] happens

[00:56:57] in

[00:57:20] I

[00:57:20] mean

[00:57:20] it

[00:57:21] hurts

[00:57:21] me

[00:57:21] to

[00:57:21] say

[00:57:23] but

[00:57:24] and

[00:57:24] of

[00:57:24] course

[00:57:26] I

[00:57:26] want

[00:57:26] to

[00:57:27] do

[00:57:27] everything

[00:57:27] I

[00:57:27] can

[00:57:28] but

[00:57:28] I

[00:57:29] really

[00:57:30] my

[00:57:31] powers

[00:57:31] are

[00:57:32] limited

[00:57:33] I

[00:57:34] am

[00:57:34] limited

[00:57:35] and

[00:57:39] then

[00:57:39] the

[00:57:39] question

[00:57:41] pops

[00:57:42] up

[00:57:42] in my

[00:57:42] head

[00:57:43] who

[00:57:44] am

[00:57:44] I

[00:57:44] really

[00:57:44] when

[00:57:45] I'm

[00:57:45] not

[00:57:45] her

[00:57:46] protector

[00:57:47] and

[00:57:49] caregiver

[00:57:49] the

[00:57:50] one

[00:57:51] who

[00:57:51] feeds

[00:57:51] her

[00:57:53] takes

[00:57:53] her

[00:57:54] to

[00:57:54] dance

[00:57:54] class

[00:57:55] protects

[00:57:58] her

[00:57:59] from

[00:58:00] monsters

[00:58:01] under

[00:58:01] the

[00:58:01] bed

[00:58:03] reads

[00:58:03] night time

[00:58:04] stories

[00:58:04] to her

[00:58:05] who

[00:58:06] am

[00:58:06] I

[00:58:07] she

[00:58:10] has

[00:58:10] started

[00:58:10] to

[00:58:10] say

[00:58:11] that

[00:58:13] that

[00:58:14] I'm

[00:58:15] old

[00:58:15] she's

[00:58:16] talking

[00:58:16] about

[00:58:17] that

[00:58:17] like

[00:58:19] almost

[00:58:20] every

[00:58:20] day

[00:58:22] sometimes

[00:58:22] she

[00:58:23] says

[00:58:23] it

[00:58:23] jokingly

[00:58:24] and

[00:58:24] sometimes

[00:58:24] she

[00:58:25] just

[00:58:25] says

[00:58:25] it

[00:58:26] like

[00:58:26] but

[00:58:26] you're

[00:58:26] old

[00:58:27] so

[00:58:27] you

[00:58:27] don't

[00:58:27] know

[00:58:28] and

[00:58:29] of

[00:58:32] course

[00:58:32] I

[00:58:33] don't

[00:58:34] want

[00:58:34] to

[00:58:34] be

[00:58:35] I

[00:58:35] have

[00:58:36] no

[00:58:36] problem

[00:58:37] being

[00:58:38] old

[00:58:38] per

[00:58:38] se

[00:58:38] it's

[00:58:39] just

[00:58:39] that

[00:58:40] I

[00:58:40] know

[00:58:40] that

[00:58:41] stuff

[00:58:41] are

[00:58:42] they

[00:58:43] have

[00:58:43] a

[00:58:43] time

[00:58:44] limit

[00:58:44] and

[00:58:45] that's

[00:58:45] painful

[00:58:45] that

[00:58:48] everything

[00:58:49] changes

[00:58:49] not

[00:58:50] just

[00:58:51] the bad

[00:58:52] things

[00:58:52] the good

[00:58:52] things

[00:58:53] too

[00:58:53] and

[00:58:53] everything

[00:58:54] will

[00:58:55] morph

[00:58:55] into

[00:58:55] something

[00:58:56] different

[00:58:56] so the

[00:59:03] fact

[00:59:03] that

[00:59:04] she

[00:59:05] reminds

[00:59:06] me

[00:59:06] that

[00:59:07] I'm

[00:59:07] old

[00:59:07] it's

[00:59:07] almost

[00:59:08] like

[00:59:08] she's

[00:59:09] using

[00:59:09] it

[00:59:09] as a

[00:59:10] mantra

[00:59:10] to

[00:59:10] herself

[00:59:11] like

[00:59:11] she's

[00:59:11] reminding

[00:59:12] herself

[00:59:12] that

[00:59:13] I'm

[00:59:14] old

[00:59:14] and

[00:59:14] that

[00:59:14] hurts

[00:59:15] so

[00:59:15] much

[00:59:15] because

[00:59:16] I

[00:59:16] feel

[00:59:17] like

[00:59:17] I

[00:59:18] it

[00:59:21] feels

[00:59:22] like

[00:59:22] she's

[00:59:22] preparing

[00:59:23] for me

[00:59:24] not being

[00:59:25] here

[00:59:26] and

[00:59:27] although

[00:59:28] that

[00:59:29] day

[00:59:29] hopefully

[00:59:30] is

[00:59:31] far

[00:59:31] far

[00:59:31] away

[00:59:34] that

[00:59:35] that's

[00:59:37] almost

[00:59:37] impossible

[00:59:38] to

[00:59:38] bear

[00:59:38] because

[00:59:41] I

[00:59:42] love

[00:59:42] her

[00:59:42] you know

[00:59:43] from

[00:59:44] the

[00:59:44] bottom

[00:59:44] of my

[00:59:45] heart

[00:59:45] okay

[00:59:52] so I

[00:59:52] don't

[00:59:52] know

[00:59:52] what

[00:59:53] this

[00:59:53] episode

[00:59:53] turned

[00:59:54] out

[00:59:54] to

[00:59:54] be

[00:59:54] trash

[00:59:56] talking

[00:59:56] my

[00:59:56] parents

[00:59:57] whining

[00:59:58] about

[00:59:59] having

[00:59:59] a

[01:00:00] teenage

[01:00:00] daughter

[01:00:01] and

[01:00:02] now

[01:00:03] and

[01:00:04] again

[01:00:04] mentioning

[01:00:05] my

[01:00:08] age

[01:00:08] by the

[01:00:10] way

[01:00:10] it's

[01:00:10] 49

[01:00:10] if you

[01:00:11] haven't

[01:00:11] catched

[01:00:12] it

[01:00:13] being

[01:00:14] 49

[01:00:14] is

[01:00:15] this

[01:00:16] weird

[01:00:16] thing

[01:00:16] because

[01:00:17] you

[01:00:17] think

[01:00:17] of

[01:00:17] yourself

[01:00:18] as

[01:00:18] 50

[01:00:19] but

[01:00:20] everyone

[01:00:21] you

[01:00:21] talk

[01:00:21] to

[01:00:21] is

[01:00:22] putting

[01:00:22] the

[01:00:23] emphasis

[01:00:23] on

[01:00:24] you're

[01:00:24] not

[01:00:25] 50

[01:00:25] yet

[01:00:26] like

[01:00:26] being

[01:00:27] 50

[01:00:27] is

[01:00:27] some

[01:00:28] sort

[01:00:28] of

[01:00:28] a

[01:00:28] curse

[01:00:29] and

[01:00:30] I

[01:00:30] for

[01:00:31] one

[01:00:31] actually

[01:00:32] I'm

[01:00:32] looking

[01:00:32] forward

[01:00:33] to

[01:00:33] turning

[01:00:33] 50

[01:00:34] because

[01:00:34] I

[01:00:35] think

[01:00:35] it

[01:00:37] looks

[01:00:37] like

[01:00:38] a

[01:00:38] good

[01:00:38] age

[01:00:39] you

[01:00:40] know

[01:00:40] the

[01:00:40] kids

[01:00:40] are

[01:00:41] grown

[01:00:41] up

[01:00:41] for

[01:00:42] most

[01:00:43] and

[01:00:44] you

[01:00:47] get

[01:00:47] to

[01:00:47] find

[01:00:48] new

[01:00:48] habits

[01:00:49] and

[01:00:50] new

[01:00:51] interests

[01:00:51] and

[01:00:54] new

[01:00:55] ways

[01:00:55] in

[01:00:55] life

[01:00:58] and

[01:00:59] I

[01:00:59] want

[01:00:59] that

[01:00:59] for

[01:01:00] me

[01:01:00] and

[01:01:01] I

[01:01:02] don't

[01:01:02] feel

[01:01:03] old

[01:01:03] I

[01:01:05] feel

[01:01:05] young

[01:01:05] actually

[01:01:06] I

[01:01:07] feel

[01:01:07] like

[01:01:08] I'm

[01:01:09] this

[01:01:10] totally

[01:01:10] safe

[01:01:11] and

[01:01:11] very

[01:01:12] experienced

[01:01:12] and

[01:01:13] humble

[01:01:13] 19

[01:01:14] year

[01:01:14] old

[01:01:15] someone

[01:01:16] I

[01:01:16] weren't

[01:01:17] when

[01:01:17] I

[01:01:18] was

[01:01:18] actually

[01:01:18] 19

[01:01:19] I

[01:01:20] wasn't

[01:01:20] humble

[01:01:20] I

[01:01:21] wasn't

[01:01:21] wise

[01:01:21] I

[01:01:22] wasn't

[01:01:23] sure

[01:01:23] of

[01:01:24] myself

[01:01:24] I

[01:01:25] was

[01:01:25] a

[01:01:25] mess

[01:01:26] I

[01:01:27] have

[01:01:27] just

[01:01:27] got

[01:01:28] into

[01:01:28] acting

[01:01:28] school

[01:01:29] and

[01:01:30] I

[01:01:31] was

[01:01:31] the

[01:01:31] youngest

[01:01:31] in

[01:01:31] my

[01:01:32] class

[01:01:32] and

[01:01:33] that

[01:01:33] turned

[01:01:34] out

[01:01:34] to be

[01:01:34] difficult

[01:01:35] to me

[01:01:35] because

[01:01:35] I

[01:01:36] haven't

[01:01:37] I

[01:01:37] haven't

[01:01:38] lived

[01:01:39] outside

[01:01:39] of my

[01:01:40] parents

[01:01:40] house

[01:01:41] so

[01:01:41] I

[01:01:42] couldn't

[01:01:42] do

[01:01:42] anything

[01:01:43] I

[01:01:43] couldn't

[01:01:43] cook

[01:01:43] I

[01:01:44] couldn't

[01:01:44] make

[01:01:44] the bed

[01:01:45] I

[01:01:45] couldn't

[01:01:45] do

[01:01:45] anything

[01:01:50] I

[01:01:50] haven't

[01:01:51] I

[01:01:51] hadn't

[01:01:52] kissed

[01:01:52] a

[01:01:52] girl

[01:01:54] or

[01:01:54] a

[01:01:55] guy

[01:01:55] or

[01:01:55] anyone

[01:01:57] that

[01:01:57] was

[01:01:58] a

[01:01:58] premiere

[01:01:58] on

[01:01:59] actor

[01:01:59] school

[01:01:59] for

[01:01:59] me

[01:02:01] and

[01:02:02] well

[01:02:03] actually

[01:02:03] I

[01:02:03] had

[01:02:04] kissed

[01:02:04] a

[01:02:05] girl

[01:02:06] before

[01:02:08] in

[01:02:08] the

[01:02:09] when

[01:02:09] I

[01:02:09] was

[01:02:09] 17

[01:02:10] but

[01:02:10] that

[01:02:11] was

[01:02:12] such

[01:02:12] a

[01:02:12] disappointment

[01:02:13] so

[01:02:14] my

[01:02:14] first

[01:02:15] quote

[01:02:16] unquote

[01:02:16] good

[01:02:17] kiss

[01:02:17] was

[01:02:18] in

[01:02:18] actor

[01:02:18] school

[01:02:18] her

[01:02:20] and it

[01:02:21] was

[01:02:21] at

[01:02:21] that

[01:02:21] party

[01:02:23] and

[01:02:25] that

[01:02:26] was

[01:02:26] my

[01:02:27] first

[01:02:27] my

[01:02:28] first

[01:02:29] good

[01:02:29] one

[01:02:33] yeah

[01:02:34] okay

[01:02:38] so

[01:02:39] sleepy

[01:02:40] it's

[01:02:41] time

[01:02:41] for me

[01:02:41] to say

[01:02:42] good

[01:02:42] night

[01:02:42] and

[01:02:44] I'll

[01:02:46] talk to

[01:02:46] you again

[01:02:46] next week

[01:02:47] and until

[01:02:49] then

[01:02:50] stay

[01:02:51] safe

[01:02:51] and sleep

[01:02:52] tight

[01:02:52] hi

[01:02:55] and welcome

[01:02:56] to fall

[01:02:56] asleep

[01:02:57] with

[01:02:57] Henrik

[01:02:59] I'm

[01:02:59] Henrik

[01:03:01] and

[01:03:02] you're

[01:03:02] sleepy

[01:03:03] and

[01:03:04] it

[01:03:04] is

[01:03:04] what

[01:03:04] it

[01:03:05] is

[01:03:05] what

[01:03:06] happens

[01:03:07] happens

[01:03:07] and right

[01:03:11] now

[01:03:11] there's

[01:03:12] nothing

[01:03:12] we

[01:03:12] can

[01:03:12] do

[01:03:12] so

[01:03:16] without

[01:03:16] further

[01:03:17] ado

[01:03:17] let's

[01:03:17] go

[01:03:22] hi

[01:03:23] sleepy

[01:03:23] you

[01:03:26] are

[01:03:26] so

[01:03:28] very

[01:03:28] welcome

[01:03:29] to this

[01:03:30] episode

[01:03:30] of

[01:03:31] this

[01:03:31] my

[01:03:32] podcast

[01:03:33] that

[01:03:33] doesn't

[01:03:34] really

[01:03:34] do

[01:03:35] anything

[01:03:36] except

[01:03:37] trying

[01:03:41] to make

[01:03:42] you

[01:03:43] I'm

[01:03:44] gonna try

[01:03:45] to put

[01:03:45] you to

[01:03:45] sleep

[01:03:46] but

[01:03:46] I'm

[01:03:47] doing

[01:03:47] so

[01:03:47] without

[01:03:48] putting

[01:03:48] any

[01:03:48] effort

[01:03:49] into

[01:03:49] it

[01:03:51] I

[01:03:52] haven't

[01:03:53] prepared

[01:03:54] what I'm

[01:03:55] gonna

[01:03:55] say

[01:03:55] and

[01:03:57] I

[01:03:57] won't

[01:03:58] edit

[01:03:59] anything

[01:03:59] out

[01:03:59] so

[01:04:00] this

[01:04:01] might

[01:04:02] be

[01:04:03] nothing

[01:04:05] it

[01:04:05] may

[01:04:05] very

[01:04:06] well

[01:04:06] turn

[01:04:06] out

[01:04:06] to be

[01:04:07] something

[01:04:07] nevertheless

[01:04:08] you

[01:04:09] don't

[01:04:09] have

[01:04:09] to

[01:04:10] listen

[01:04:10] to

[01:04:10] it

[01:04:10] it's

[01:04:10] just

[01:04:15] I'm

[01:04:15] just

[01:04:16] some

[01:04:16] dude

[01:04:17] and

[01:04:17] I'm

[01:04:18] gonna

[01:04:18] talk

[01:04:18] for

[01:04:18] an

[01:04:18] hour

[01:04:20] and

[01:04:20] I'm

[01:04:20] not

[01:04:20] gonna

[01:04:21] think

[01:04:21] through

[01:04:23] very

[01:04:23] much

[01:04:24] what

[01:04:24] I'm

[01:04:25] about

[01:04:25] to

[01:04:25] say

[01:04:28] so

[01:04:28] welcome

[01:04:30] again

[01:04:30] if

[01:04:31] you're

[01:04:31] new

[01:04:33] or

[01:04:33] if

[01:04:34] you've

[01:04:34] been

[01:04:34] listening

[01:04:35] to

[01:04:38] so

[01:04:38] secret

[01:04:39] anymore

[01:04:39] goal

[01:04:40] with

[01:04:40] this

[01:04:41] podcast

[01:04:41] is to

[01:04:41] reach

[01:04:42] 1 million

[01:04:42] people

[01:04:43] within

[01:04:43] a year

[01:04:44] and

[01:04:45] so

[01:04:46] far

[01:04:47] there

[01:04:47] are

[01:04:48] a few

[01:04:48] thousand

[01:04:48] of you

[01:04:50] so

[01:04:51] if

[01:04:51] you

[01:04:51] have

[01:04:51] it

[01:04:51] in

[01:04:51] you

[01:04:52] if

[01:04:53] you

[01:04:53] like

[01:04:53] what

[01:04:54] I

[01:04:54] do

[01:04:55] then

[01:04:55] share

[01:04:56] it

[01:04:57] on your

[01:04:58] social

[01:04:58] media

[01:04:58] or

[01:04:59] via

[01:05:00] the

[01:05:00] old

[01:05:00] fashioned

[01:05:01] mouth

[01:05:01] to

[01:05:01] mouth

[01:05:02] method

[01:05:03] or

[01:05:04] do

[01:05:04] you

[01:05:04] really

[01:05:04] say

[01:05:05] mouth

[01:05:05] to

[01:05:08] how

[01:05:09] you

[01:05:09] share

[01:05:09] information

[01:05:10] is it

[01:05:12] mouth

[01:05:13] to

[01:05:13] ear

[01:05:15] no

[01:05:15] you

[01:05:16] you

[01:05:17] say

[01:05:18] word

[01:05:18] of

[01:05:18] mouth

[01:05:19] that's

[01:05:20] how

[01:05:20] you

[01:05:20] do

[01:05:20] it

[01:05:22] so

[01:05:23] as

[01:05:23] you

[01:05:23] gather

[01:05:25] I'm

[01:05:25] not

[01:05:26] from

[01:05:26] any

[01:05:27] English

[01:05:27] speaking

[01:05:27] country

[01:05:28] I'm

[01:05:28] from

[01:05:28] Sweden

[01:05:29] and

[01:05:29] I

[01:05:29] normally

[01:05:30] do

[01:05:31] this

[01:05:31] in

[01:05:31] Swedish

[01:05:32] although

[01:05:33] recently

[01:05:33] or

[01:05:34] not so

[01:05:35] recently

[01:05:35] really

[01:05:37] I've

[01:05:38] been

[01:05:40] recently

[01:05:42] I

[01:05:43] to

[01:05:43] do

[01:05:43] this

[01:05:44] in

[01:05:45] English

[01:05:45] because

[01:05:47] I want

[01:05:47] to reach

[01:05:47] a wider

[01:05:48] audience

[01:05:48] and I

[01:05:49] I think

[01:05:50] that my

[01:05:51] way of

[01:05:53] just

[01:05:54] talking

[01:05:54] without

[01:05:55] really

[01:05:56] putting

[01:05:57] any

[01:05:57] emphasis

[01:05:57] on

[01:05:58] anything

[01:05:58] I

[01:05:58] say

[01:06:00] can

[01:06:00] serve

[01:06:01] a

[01:06:01] purpose

[01:06:01] in

[01:06:02] the

[01:06:02] grander

[01:06:02] schemes

[01:06:03] so

[01:06:08] thank

[01:06:09] you

[01:06:09] for

[01:06:10] listening

[01:06:10] and

[01:06:10] for

[01:06:10] maybe

[01:06:11] leaving

[01:06:12] me

[01:06:12] a

[01:06:12] review

[01:06:12] and

[01:06:13] if

[01:06:14] you

[01:06:14] want

[01:06:14] to

[01:06:17] of

[01:06:17] my

[01:06:17] social

[01:06:17] media

[01:06:18] my

[01:06:18] name

[01:06:18] is

[01:06:19] Henrik

[01:06:19] Stål

[01:06:19] and

[01:06:21] you

[01:06:21] can

[01:06:21] also

[01:06:22] email

[01:06:22] me

[01:06:22] at

[01:06:23] well

[01:06:27] www.kirinaya.com

[01:06:30] k-i-r-i-n-a-j-a

[01:06:34] dot com

[01:06:36] Kirinaya

[01:06:38] that's my

[01:06:39] production

[01:06:40] company

[01:06:41] that sounds

[01:06:42] like

[01:06:43] this

[01:06:45] huge

[01:06:45] entity

[01:06:46] but it's

[01:06:47] not

[01:06:47] it's

[01:06:47] just

[01:06:48] me

[01:06:49] and

[01:06:50] I

[01:06:50] thought

[01:06:50] that

[01:06:52] once

[01:06:52] you

[01:06:52] have

[01:06:53] your

[01:06:53] own

[01:06:54] firm

[01:06:55] your

[01:06:55] own

[01:06:55] company

[01:06:57] that

[01:06:58] entity

[01:06:59] should

[01:06:59] have

[01:06:59] a

[01:07:00] name

[01:07:01] regardless

[01:07:02] of

[01:07:02] its

[01:07:03] size

[01:07:03] so

[01:07:09] I'm

[01:07:10] recording

[01:07:10] this

[01:07:10] episode

[01:07:11] just

[01:07:11] a few

[01:07:12] hours

[01:07:12] before

[01:07:12] I'm

[01:07:13] going

[01:07:13] to

[01:07:13] release

[01:07:13] it

[01:07:15] in

[01:07:16] Sweden

[01:07:16] every

[01:07:17] episode

[01:07:17] is

[01:07:18] released

[01:07:18] on

[01:07:19] Tuesday

[01:07:19] mornings

[01:07:20] at

[01:07:20] oh

[01:07:21] 300

[01:07:21] hours

[01:07:22] is that

[01:07:23] the term

[01:07:23] for it

[01:07:25] 3 a.m.

[01:07:28] in the

[01:07:28] morning

[01:07:30] and

[01:07:31] so

[01:07:33] depending

[01:07:35] on where

[01:07:35] you are

[01:07:36] in the

[01:07:36] world

[01:07:36] it's

[01:07:37] well

[01:07:38] I'm

[01:07:39] not

[01:07:39] even

[01:07:40] going

[01:07:40] to

[01:07:40] try

[01:07:40] to

[01:07:41] make

[01:07:42] this

[01:07:43] sound

[01:07:44] like

[01:07:45] I

[01:07:45] have

[01:07:45] like

[01:07:47] control

[01:07:47] over

[01:07:48] what

[01:07:48] time

[01:07:48] it

[01:07:49] is

[01:07:49] in

[01:07:50] different

[01:07:51] places

[01:07:52] in

[01:07:52] the

[01:07:52] world

[01:07:52] I'm

[01:07:54] I

[01:07:54] still

[01:07:55] haven't

[01:07:55] grappled

[01:07:56] the

[01:07:57] a.m.

[01:07:58] p.m.

[01:08:00] and don't

[01:08:01] get me

[01:08:02] started on

[01:08:02] central

[01:08:03] time

[01:08:03] and

[01:08:03] east

[01:08:04] coast

[01:08:05] time

[01:08:05] or

[01:08:05] whatever

[01:08:07] I mean

[01:08:09] for

[01:08:09] my

[01:08:10] whole

[01:08:10] life

[01:08:10] I've

[01:08:11] been

[01:08:12] living

[01:08:13] under

[01:08:15] my

[01:08:16] own

[01:08:16] time

[01:08:16] my

[01:08:17] own

[01:08:17] clock

[01:08:19] and

[01:08:20] now

[01:08:20] since

[01:08:21] opening

[01:08:21] up

[01:08:21] to

[01:08:22] the

[01:08:22] world

[01:08:22] different

[01:08:23] times

[01:08:24] are now

[01:08:24] being

[01:08:24] thrown

[01:08:25] at

[01:08:25] me

[01:08:25] as

[01:08:27] you

[01:08:27] know

[01:08:29] whatever

[01:08:29] is being

[01:08:30] thrown

[01:08:30] at any

[01:08:31] given

[01:08:31] moment

[01:08:32] so

[01:08:36] if

[01:08:36] you're

[01:08:37] new

[01:08:37] here

[01:08:38] sometimes

[01:08:39] you're

[01:08:40] going to

[01:08:40] find

[01:08:40] yourself

[01:08:41] wondering

[01:08:41] what the

[01:08:42] heck

[01:08:42] I'm

[01:08:42] talking

[01:08:42] about

[01:08:43] and

[01:08:44] that's

[01:08:44] fine

[01:08:44] because

[01:08:45] I

[01:08:46] very

[01:08:46] rarely

[01:08:47] know

[01:08:48] myself

[01:08:49] what

[01:08:50] it is

[01:08:50] I'm

[01:08:51] doing

[01:08:51] I

[01:08:54] don't

[01:08:54] really

[01:08:54] have

[01:08:54] a

[01:08:55] plan

[01:08:56] I

[01:08:57] don't

[01:08:57] really

[01:08:58] have

[01:08:58] anything

[01:08:59] thought

[01:09:00] through

[01:09:00] I

[01:09:01] don't

[01:09:01] have

[01:09:01] a

[01:09:01] strategy

[01:09:02] I'm

[01:09:06] just

[01:09:07] driven

[01:09:08] by this

[01:09:08] overwhelming

[01:09:09] feeling

[01:09:10] of

[01:09:10] that

[01:09:11] this

[01:09:12] type

[01:09:12] of

[01:09:13] communication

[01:09:13] is

[01:09:14] right

[01:09:15] I

[01:09:18] believe

[01:09:18] and

[01:09:19] that's

[01:09:19] my

[01:09:20] aim

[01:09:20] if

[01:09:20] there

[01:09:21] is

[01:09:21] any

[01:09:22] that

[01:09:23] showing

[01:09:23] you

[01:09:24] me

[01:09:26] in

[01:09:26] this

[01:09:27] way

[01:09:27] will

[01:09:29] be

[01:09:29] beneficial

[01:09:29] for

[01:09:30] me

[01:09:30] and

[01:09:30] for

[01:09:31] you

[01:09:32] I'm

[01:09:33] not

[01:09:33] sure

[01:09:33] why

[01:09:34] that

[01:09:34] is

[01:09:34] and

[01:09:35] I

[01:09:35] might

[01:09:36] be

[01:09:36] wrong

[01:09:36] I

[01:09:36] might

[01:09:36] be

[01:09:36] totally

[01:09:37] wrong

[01:09:37] but

[01:09:38] I

[01:09:38] really

[01:09:39] believe

[01:09:39] in

[01:09:40] the

[01:09:40] concept

[01:09:41] of

[01:09:42] genuine

[01:09:43] communication

[01:09:46] and

[01:09:46] that's

[01:09:46] what

[01:09:47] I'm

[01:09:47] I

[01:09:47] think

[01:09:48] I'm

[01:09:48] trying

[01:09:48] to

[01:09:49] be

[01:09:50] genuine

[01:09:51] I'm

[01:09:51] trying

[01:09:52] to

[01:09:52] be

[01:09:53] like

[01:09:54] I

[01:09:54] am

[01:09:54] so

[01:09:58] I'm

[01:09:58] not

[01:09:58] going

[01:09:58] to

[01:09:58] try

[01:09:59] to

[01:10:01] make

[01:10:01] you

[01:10:01] feel

[01:10:02] anything

[01:10:02] and

[01:10:03] I'm

[01:10:04] not

[01:10:04] going

[01:10:04] to

[01:10:04] try

[01:10:16] I've

[01:10:16] come

[01:10:16] to

[01:10:16] find

[01:10:16] it

[01:10:17] very

[01:10:17] enjoyable

[01:10:18] to

[01:10:18] do

[01:10:19] this

[01:10:20] in

[01:10:20] English

[01:10:20] and

[01:10:21] I

[01:10:21] hope

[01:10:21] to

[01:10:22] continue

[01:10:22] I

[01:10:23] don't

[01:10:23] know

[01:10:23] I

[01:10:24] think

[01:10:24] this

[01:10:25] is

[01:10:25] my

[01:10:25] 22nd

[01:10:26] or

[01:10:27] so

[01:10:27] episode

[01:10:29] and

[01:10:32] many

[01:10:33] of you

[01:10:33] who

[01:10:33] listen

[01:10:33] write to

[01:10:34] me

[01:10:35] on a

[01:10:35] regular

[01:10:35] basis

[01:10:36] and

[01:10:36] I'm

[01:10:36] so

[01:10:37] glad

[01:10:37] for

[01:10:37] all

[01:10:37] the

[01:10:38] letters

[01:10:41] I'm

[01:10:41] so

[01:10:41] glad

[01:10:42] for

[01:10:42] all

[01:10:43] of

[01:10:43] you

[01:10:43] reaching

[01:10:43] out

[01:10:44] telling

[01:10:44] me

[01:10:44] about

[01:10:44] yourself

[01:10:46] and

[01:10:46] how

[01:10:47] you

[01:10:47] use

[01:10:47] my

[01:10:48] podcast

[01:10:48] and

[01:10:49] about

[01:10:50] your

[01:10:50] lives

[01:10:50] and

[01:10:51] that's

[01:10:52] still

[01:10:52] that's

[01:10:53] still

[01:10:53] applicable

[01:10:55] might

[01:10:55] I

[01:10:56] add

[01:10:58] that

[01:10:59] I'm

[01:11:00] so

[01:11:00] happy

[01:11:00] whenever

[01:11:01] you

[01:11:01] write

[01:11:01] and

[01:11:02] tell

[01:11:02] me

[01:11:02] about

[01:11:03] your

[01:11:03] life

[01:11:03] some

[01:11:06] of

[01:11:06] you

[01:11:06] listen

[01:11:06] while

[01:11:07] commuting

[01:11:07] other

[01:11:08] other

[01:11:08] people

[01:11:09] listen

[01:11:09] in a

[01:11:11] certain

[01:11:11] environment

[01:11:11] when

[01:11:12] going

[01:11:12] to

[01:11:12] sleep

[01:11:13] some

[01:11:14] people

[01:11:14] listen

[01:11:14] with

[01:11:14] their

[01:11:15] pets

[01:11:15] dogs

[01:11:16] and

[01:11:16] cats

[01:11:17] and

[01:11:18] other

[01:11:19] people

[01:11:19] listen

[01:11:20] in

[01:11:21] all

[01:11:21] different

[01:11:22] sorts

[01:11:22] of

[01:11:22] environments

[01:11:23] and

[01:11:24] situations

[01:11:25] awake

[01:11:26] and

[01:11:26] going

[01:11:27] to

[01:11:27] sleep

[01:11:28] and

[01:11:28] it's

[01:11:29] all

[01:11:29] good

[01:11:30] you

[01:11:31] don't

[01:11:31] have

[01:11:31] to

[01:11:33] keep

[01:11:34] doing

[01:11:35] the

[01:11:35] same

[01:11:35] thing

[01:11:37] that's

[01:11:38] by the

[01:11:38] way

[01:11:38] why

[01:11:39] I

[01:11:39] keep

[01:11:40] doing

[01:11:40] new

[01:11:40] episodes

[01:11:41] every

[01:11:43] week

[01:11:43] because

[01:11:44] I'm

[01:11:45] I am

[01:11:49] I'm

[01:11:50] sorry

[01:11:50] I got

[01:11:51] so

[01:11:51] distracted

[01:11:51] now

[01:11:53] I

[01:11:53] have

[01:11:54] this

[01:11:55] monitor

[01:11:55] in my

[01:11:56] in my

[01:11:57] studio

[01:11:58] and

[01:11:59] it

[01:11:59] just

[01:11:59] turned

[01:12:00] on

[01:12:00] like

[01:12:01] just

[01:12:01] to

[01:12:01] annoy

[01:12:02] me

[01:12:03] and

[01:12:03] since

[01:12:03] this

[01:12:04] podcast

[01:12:04] is all

[01:12:05] about

[01:12:05] what

[01:12:05] happens

[01:12:06] happens

[01:12:06] I'm

[01:12:06] not

[01:12:07] going

[01:12:07] to

[01:12:07] do

[01:12:07] anything

[01:12:07] about

[01:12:08] it

[01:12:08] so

[01:12:09] now

[01:12:10] I

[01:12:10] have

[01:12:10] a

[01:12:10] monitor

[01:12:11] in

[01:12:11] my

[01:12:11] studio

[01:12:11] and

[01:12:12] it's

[01:12:12] just

[01:12:14] in

[01:12:14] my

[01:12:14] face

[01:12:16] and

[01:12:17] it's

[01:12:17] just

[01:12:17] shown

[01:12:17] me

[01:12:18] this

[01:12:18] blank

[01:12:18] blue

[01:12:19] screen

[01:12:19] and

[01:12:19] I

[01:12:19] don't

[01:12:20] know

[01:12:20] why

[01:12:23] sometimes

[01:12:24] I

[01:12:25] think

[01:12:25] life

[01:12:25] is

[01:12:28] so

[01:12:29] much

[01:12:29] about

[01:12:31] tolerating

[01:12:32] stuff

[01:12:33] that

[01:12:33] hurts

[01:12:34] stings

[01:12:36] scratches

[01:12:37] itches

[01:12:38] and

[01:12:40] annoys

[01:12:41] you

[01:12:41] in

[01:12:42] other

[01:12:42] ways

[01:12:45] it's

[01:12:46] just

[01:12:46] I

[01:12:50] do

[01:12:52] you

[01:12:52] know

[01:12:52] the

[01:12:52] the

[01:12:52] the

[01:12:53] periods

[01:12:53] of

[01:12:56] are

[01:12:56] totally

[01:12:57] free

[01:12:58] from

[01:12:58] annoyance

[01:13:00] they're

[01:13:00] so

[01:13:01] short

[01:13:02] and

[01:13:02] there

[01:13:03] are

[01:13:03] so

[01:13:03] few

[01:13:03] of

[01:13:04] them

[01:13:05] that

[01:13:06] you

[01:13:06] might

[01:13:06] as

[01:13:06] well

[01:13:06] just

[01:13:07] get

[01:13:07] used

[01:13:08] to

[01:13:10] standing

[01:13:11] strong

[01:13:11] in

[01:13:12] the

[01:13:12] stream

[01:13:12] of

[01:13:12] annoyance

[01:13:13] you

[01:13:13] know

[01:13:15] that's

[01:13:15] what

[01:13:16] I

[01:13:16] want

[01:13:16] to

[01:13:16] do

[01:13:16] with

[01:13:16] my

[01:13:17] life

[01:13:17] that's

[01:13:18] what

[01:13:18] I

[01:13:27] want

[01:13:27] to

[01:13:27] say

[01:13:28] to

[01:13:28] the

[01:13:29] world

[01:13:29] come

[01:13:30] on

[01:13:31] is

[01:13:31] that

[01:13:31] all

[01:13:32] you

[01:13:32] got

[01:13:33] come

[01:13:34] on

[01:13:34] bring

[01:13:34] it

[01:13:34] on

[01:13:35] bring

[01:13:35] it

[01:13:36] on

[01:13:36] give

[01:13:37] it

[01:13:37] to

[01:13:37] me

[01:13:38] I

[01:13:38] can

[01:13:38] take

[01:13:39] it

[01:13:39] you

[01:13:39] know

[01:13:39] and

[01:13:40] I

[01:13:40] don't

[01:13:40] want

[01:13:40] that

[01:13:41] to

[01:13:41] be

[01:13:41] some

[01:13:41] sort

[01:13:41] of

[01:13:43] self

[01:13:45] proclaiming

[01:13:45] prophecy

[01:13:48] I

[01:13:48] want

[01:13:48] that

[01:13:49] to

[01:13:49] be

[01:13:49] true

[01:13:50] that

[01:13:51] I

[01:13:51] can

[01:13:51] take

[01:13:51] it

[01:13:53] that

[01:13:53] I

[01:13:53] am

[01:13:54] able

[01:13:55] to

[01:13:55] handle

[01:13:56] whatever

[01:13:57] is

[01:13:57] being

[01:13:58] thrown

[01:13:58] at

[01:13:58] me

[01:13:58] at

[01:13:59] any

[01:13:59] given

[01:13:59] moment

[01:13:59] I

[01:14:02] am

[01:14:03] still

[01:14:03] far

[01:14:03] from

[01:14:06] whatever

[01:14:07] is

[01:14:07] necessary

[01:14:07] to

[01:14:08] be

[01:14:08] able

[01:14:09] to

[01:14:09] say

[01:14:09] that

[01:14:09] that's

[01:14:10] true

[01:14:10] I

[01:14:11] am

[01:14:11] not

[01:14:11] there

[01:14:12] by

[01:14:13] a

[01:14:13] long

[01:14:13] shot

[01:14:14] but

[01:14:15] I

[01:14:15] mean

[01:14:15] it's

[01:14:15] a

[01:14:15] good

[01:14:16] goal

[01:14:16] to

[01:14:16] have

[01:14:17] I

[01:14:19] would

[01:14:19] like

[01:14:19] to

[01:14:20] be

[01:14:20] free

[01:14:20] from

[01:14:22] the

[01:14:22] everyday

[01:14:23] annoyance

[01:14:25] like

[01:14:26] when

[01:14:26] you

[01:14:27] wake

[01:14:28] up

[01:14:34] down

[01:14:34] my

[01:14:35] bedroom

[01:14:35] is

[01:14:35] upstairs

[01:14:36] so

[01:14:36] I

[01:14:36] go

[01:14:37] down

[01:14:37] the

[01:14:37] stairs

[01:14:40] 13

[01:14:40] steps

[01:14:41] I

[01:14:41] think

[01:14:41] it

[01:14:41] is

[01:14:42] and

[01:14:42] I

[01:14:43] go

[01:14:43] down

[01:14:43] and

[01:14:43] I

[01:14:44] make

[01:14:44] myself

[01:14:45] some

[01:14:45] coffee

[01:14:45] and

[01:14:46] maybe

[01:14:47] I

[01:14:47] spill

[01:14:48] some

[01:14:48] of

[01:14:48] the

[01:14:48] coffee

[01:14:50] maybe

[01:14:50] I

[01:14:51] don't

[01:14:51] even

[01:14:51] spill

[01:14:51] it

[01:14:51] on

[01:14:51] my

[01:14:52] hands

[01:14:53] maybe

[01:14:54] I

[01:14:54] don't

[01:14:54] even

[01:14:54] get

[01:14:54] burned

[01:14:55] but

[01:14:55] I'm

[01:14:55] still

[01:14:56] like

[01:14:57] I

[01:14:58] still

[01:14:58] feel

[01:14:59] like

[01:14:59] okay

[01:14:59] so

[01:14:59] this

[01:15:00] is

[01:15:00] the

[01:15:00] end

[01:15:00] of

[01:15:00] my

[01:15:01] day

[01:15:01] the

[01:15:01] end

[01:15:01] of

[01:15:02] my

[01:15:02] life

[01:15:02] the

[01:15:03] devastation

[01:15:04] and

[01:15:05] the

[01:15:05] irritation

[01:15:05] and

[01:15:06] the

[01:15:06] annoyance

[01:15:07] that

[01:15:08] one

[01:15:08] feels

[01:15:09] when

[01:15:09] something

[01:15:11] that

[01:15:11] random

[01:15:12] happens

[01:15:15] that's

[01:15:16] just

[01:15:18] so

[01:15:19] unnecessary

[01:15:21] why

[01:15:23] can't

[01:15:24] I just

[01:15:24] handle

[01:15:25] stuff

[01:15:25] like

[01:15:26] that

[01:15:29] whenever

[01:15:30] I'm

[01:15:30] bored

[01:15:31] or

[01:15:31] stressed

[01:15:31] out

[01:15:32] I

[01:15:33] tend

[01:15:33] to

[01:15:33] do

[01:15:33] stupid

[01:15:34] mistakes

[01:15:34] like

[01:15:36] I

[01:15:36] was

[01:15:37] gonna

[01:15:37] crack

[01:15:37] an

[01:15:37] egg

[01:15:37] and

[01:15:38] I

[01:15:39] don't

[01:15:40] particularly

[01:15:40] care

[01:15:41] for

[01:15:41] cooking

[01:15:43] that's

[01:15:43] not

[01:15:43] me

[01:15:45] and

[01:15:46] now

[01:15:47] I

[01:15:47] don't

[01:15:47] want

[01:15:47] you

[01:15:47] to

[01:15:48] rush

[01:15:48] off

[01:15:48] and

[01:15:48] just

[01:15:48] yell

[01:15:49] from

[01:15:50] the

[01:15:50] church

[01:15:50] tower

[01:15:51] that

[01:15:52] this

[01:15:53] Swedish

[01:15:53] guy

[01:15:54] he

[01:15:54] thinks

[01:15:54] that he

[01:15:55] can

[01:15:55] get

[01:15:55] through

[01:15:56] life

[01:15:56] without

[01:15:56] cooking

[01:15:58] maybe

[01:15:59] he

[01:15:59] has

[01:15:59] a

[01:15:59] wife

[01:16:00] that

[01:16:00] cooks

[01:16:00] for

[01:16:00] him

[01:16:01] oh

[01:16:01] my

[01:16:01] god

[01:16:02] so

[01:16:03] I

[01:16:03] just

[01:16:04] want

[01:16:04] to

[01:16:04] say

[01:16:04] that

[01:16:04] that's

[01:16:04] not

[01:16:05] true

[01:16:05] no one

[01:16:06] in our

[01:16:06] home

[01:16:07] no one

[01:16:07] in our

[01:16:08] household

[01:16:08] particularly

[01:16:09] care

[01:16:09] for

[01:16:09] cooking

[01:16:10] and

[01:16:11] I

[01:16:12] know

[01:16:12] that

[01:16:13] I

[01:16:13] have

[01:16:14] to

[01:16:14] do

[01:16:14] that

[01:16:14] I

[01:16:15] have

[01:16:15] a

[01:16:16] daughter

[01:16:16] I

[01:16:16] mean

[01:16:16] I

[01:16:17] gotta

[01:16:17] make

[01:16:18] food

[01:16:19] you know

[01:16:21] and

[01:16:22] I

[01:16:22] do

[01:16:22] it's

[01:16:23] just

[01:16:23] that

[01:16:23] it's

[01:16:24] not

[01:16:24] my

[01:16:24] hobby

[01:16:26] I'm

[01:16:26] not

[01:16:28] browsing

[01:16:28] through

[01:16:29] magazines

[01:16:29] food

[01:16:32] related

[01:16:34] magazines

[01:16:34] looking

[01:16:35] for

[01:16:36] new

[01:16:36] recipes

[01:16:36] to

[01:16:36] try

[01:16:37] out

[01:16:37] in

[01:16:37] my

[01:16:37] kitchen

[01:16:38] I

[01:16:39] don't

[01:16:39] spend

[01:16:39] hours

[01:16:40] and

[01:16:41] hours

[01:16:41] at

[01:16:41] end

[01:16:43] just

[01:16:44] experimenting

[01:16:45] with

[01:16:47] spices

[01:16:47] I

[01:16:50] just

[01:16:50] want

[01:16:50] to

[01:16:50] eat

[01:16:50] it

[01:16:51] you

[01:16:51] know

[01:16:51] and

[01:16:52] if

[01:16:52] it's

[01:16:53] already

[01:16:54] prepared

[01:16:54] then

[01:16:55] I'm

[01:16:57] ecstatic

[01:16:57] so

[01:17:01] I was

[01:17:02] gonna

[01:17:02] crack

[01:17:03] an egg

[01:17:03] and

[01:17:04] as I

[01:17:05] said

[01:17:05] I'm

[01:17:06] not

[01:17:06] really

[01:17:06] fond

[01:17:06] of

[01:17:07] cracking

[01:17:08] eggs

[01:17:09] or

[01:17:09] cracking

[01:17:09] anything

[01:17:10] really

[01:17:12] I'm

[01:17:12] not

[01:17:12] really

[01:17:13] fond

[01:17:13] of

[01:17:13] mixing

[01:17:13] stuff

[01:17:14] in

[01:17:14] a

[01:17:15] ball

[01:17:15] I'm

[01:17:16] not

[01:17:16] really

[01:17:16] fond

[01:17:17] of

[01:17:24] stirring

[01:17:25] stuff

[01:17:27] I'm

[01:17:27] not

[01:17:27] really

[01:17:28] fond

[01:17:28] of

[01:17:30] adding

[01:17:31] this

[01:17:32] and

[01:17:32] that

[01:17:32] to

[01:17:33] this

[01:17:33] and

[01:17:33] that

[01:17:34] but

[01:17:37] still

[01:17:37] I

[01:17:37] do

[01:17:37] because

[01:17:38] I

[01:17:38] have

[01:17:38] a

[01:17:38] child

[01:17:38] and

[01:17:39] she

[01:17:39] needs

[01:17:39] food

[01:17:40] if

[01:17:41] it

[01:17:41] were

[01:17:41] just

[01:17:41] me

[01:17:42] I

[01:17:42] would

[01:17:42] just

[01:17:43] eat

[01:17:43] like

[01:17:43] yogurt

[01:17:44] all

[01:17:44] the

[01:17:45] time

[01:17:46] or

[01:17:46] maybe

[01:17:47] like

[01:17:47] pizza

[01:17:48] every

[01:17:49] Friday

[01:17:49] but

[01:17:53] I

[01:17:54] don't

[01:17:54] so

[01:17:56] anyway

[01:17:57] I

[01:17:58] was

[01:17:58] stressed

[01:17:58] out

[01:17:59] and

[01:17:59] I

[01:17:59] was

[01:18:00] bored

[01:18:00] and

[01:18:00] I

[01:18:01] cracked

[01:18:01] the

[01:18:01] egg

[01:18:01] so

[01:18:02] hard

[01:18:02] that

[01:18:02] it

[01:18:02] just

[01:18:03] smashed

[01:18:03] on

[01:18:05] the

[01:18:05] on

[01:18:06] the

[01:18:06] counter

[01:18:07] and

[01:18:08] the

[01:18:09] level

[01:18:10] of

[01:18:10] fury

[01:18:11] that

[01:18:15] I

[01:18:15] mean

[01:18:15] it's

[01:18:16] not

[01:18:16] it's

[01:18:17] not

[01:18:18] it's

[01:18:19] not

[01:18:19] even

[01:18:19] close

[01:18:20] to

[01:18:20] the

[01:18:20] actual

[01:18:21] issue

[01:18:22] you

[01:18:22] know

[01:18:22] it's

[01:18:23] so

[01:18:24] many

[01:18:24] levels

[01:18:24] above

[01:18:25] and

[01:18:28] I

[01:18:28] don't

[01:18:28] get

[01:18:28] it

[01:18:28] I

[01:18:28] don't

[01:18:29] get

[01:18:29] why

[01:18:29] why

[01:18:30] can't

[01:18:31] I

[01:18:31] just

[01:18:31] learn

[01:18:32] that

[01:18:33] your

[01:18:34] feelings

[01:18:34] should

[01:18:35] be

[01:18:36] proportionate

[01:18:37] to

[01:18:37] the

[01:18:38] actual

[01:18:38] problem

[01:18:40] but

[01:18:40] it's

[01:18:41] just

[01:18:41] at

[01:18:46] through

[01:18:49] some

[01:18:49] unconventional

[01:18:51] entry point

[01:18:52] like

[01:18:52] the

[01:18:53] chimney

[01:18:54] or

[01:18:55] well

[01:18:56] less

[01:18:57] original

[01:18:57] but

[01:18:58] like

[01:18:58] a

[01:18:59] window

[01:19:00] a

[01:19:01] window

[01:19:01] that

[01:19:01] normally

[01:19:02] doesn't

[01:19:02] open

[01:19:03] that's

[01:19:04] where

[01:19:04] life

[01:19:04] comes

[01:19:05] in

[01:19:05] makes

[01:19:05] a

[01:19:05] mess

[01:19:06] in

[01:19:06] the

[01:19:06] room

[01:19:07] and

[01:19:08] just

[01:19:08] says

[01:19:09] that

[01:19:09] okay

[01:19:10] so

[01:19:12] that's

[01:19:13] this

[01:19:13] is

[01:19:13] it

[01:19:13] for

[01:19:13] you

[01:19:14] you

[01:19:16] you've

[01:19:16] you've

[01:19:17] had

[01:19:17] a

[01:19:17] good

[01:19:17] run

[01:19:18] but

[01:19:19] from

[01:19:19] now

[01:19:20] on

[01:19:20] your

[01:19:20] life

[01:19:21] is

[01:19:21] going

[01:19:21] to

[01:19:21] be

[01:19:22] you

[01:19:23] are

[01:19:24] you

[01:19:25] will

[01:19:25] never

[01:19:25] succeed

[01:19:26] in

[01:19:27] anything

[01:19:27] you

[01:19:28] try

[01:19:28] you

[01:19:33] will

[01:19:33] just

[01:19:33] be

[01:19:34] this

[01:19:36] yeah

[01:19:37] it'll

[01:19:41] be

[01:19:41] a

[01:19:41] shit

[01:19:42] show

[01:19:42] from

[01:19:42] here

[01:19:42] on

[01:19:44] so

[01:19:44] basically

[01:19:45] that's

[01:19:46] what I

[01:19:46] feel

[01:19:47] and

[01:19:47] the

[01:19:48] level

[01:19:48] of

[01:19:48] devastation

[01:19:49] and

[01:19:50] anger

[01:19:51] and

[01:19:51] frustration

[01:19:52] and

[01:19:52] despair

[01:19:53] that I

[01:19:53] feel

[01:19:54] at that

[01:19:54] very

[01:19:54] random

[01:19:56] light

[01:19:57] leveled

[01:19:58] moment

[01:19:59] it's

[01:20:00] not

[01:20:01] it's

[01:20:02] it's

[01:20:02] not a

[01:20:02] good

[01:20:02] way

[01:20:03] of

[01:20:03] spending

[01:20:03] energy

[01:20:04] I

[01:20:10] would

[01:20:10] like

[01:20:10] to

[01:20:10] be

[01:20:14] like

[01:20:15] be

[01:20:15] able

[01:20:16] to

[01:20:16] think

[01:20:16] straight

[01:20:17] and

[01:20:18] not

[01:20:18] just

[01:20:18] get

[01:20:19] life

[01:20:19] let

[01:20:20] life

[01:20:21] get

[01:20:21] to

[01:20:21] me

[01:20:22] in

[01:20:22] that

[01:20:22] way

[01:20:24] but

[01:20:24] it's

[01:20:24] hard

[01:20:25] it is

[01:20:26] and

[01:20:27] I

[01:20:27] imagine

[01:20:27] all

[01:20:27] of

[01:20:28] us

[01:20:28] are

[01:20:28] struggling

[01:20:28] with

[01:20:29] this

[01:20:30] not

[01:20:31] all

[01:20:31] of

[01:20:32] us

[01:20:41] keep

[01:20:42] a

[01:20:42] leveled

[01:20:43] mind

[01:20:43] to

[01:20:46] just

[01:20:46] be

[01:20:47] be

[01:20:48] as

[01:20:49] is

[01:20:49] anyhow

[01:20:56] that's

[01:20:56] what

[01:20:56] I'm

[01:20:57] trying

[01:20:57] to

[01:20:57] go

[01:20:58] for

[01:20:59] and

[01:20:59] that's

[01:21:00] well

[01:21:02] maybe

[01:21:02] that is

[01:21:04] my

[01:21:05] sense

[01:21:06] moral

[01:21:06] in this

[01:21:07] podcast

[01:21:07] if there

[01:21:08] is

[01:21:08] any

[01:21:08] that

[01:21:09] if we

[01:21:11] can do

[01:21:11] anything

[01:21:13] like

[01:21:14] anything

[01:21:15] at all

[01:21:16] it

[01:21:16] should

[01:21:16] be

[01:21:17] to

[01:21:17] just

[01:21:19] at

[01:21:20] least

[01:21:20] sometimes

[01:21:21] during

[01:21:22] our

[01:21:23] hours

[01:21:23] on

[01:21:24] earth

[01:21:25] just

[01:21:26] leave

[01:21:27] things

[01:21:27] as

[01:21:28] they

[01:21:28] are

[01:21:32] there's

[01:21:33] a lot

[01:21:33] of

[01:21:33] things

[01:21:33] that

[01:21:34] we

[01:21:34] can

[01:21:34] do

[01:21:34] I

[01:21:35] mean

[01:21:36] there

[01:21:37] are

[01:21:37] so

[01:21:37] many

[01:21:37] things

[01:21:38] that

[01:21:38] we

[01:21:38] can

[01:21:38] change

[01:21:39] both

[01:21:39] in

[01:21:49] clump

[01:21:50] of

[01:21:50] things

[01:21:51] this

[01:21:54] huge

[01:21:56] reservoir

[01:21:56] of

[01:21:57] stuff

[01:22:00] that

[01:22:00] we

[01:22:00] can't

[01:22:01] ever

[01:22:01] do

[01:22:02] anything

[01:22:02] about

[01:22:02] and

[01:22:04] it

[01:22:04] keeps

[01:22:05] being

[01:22:05] refilled

[01:22:05] this

[01:22:06] reservoir

[01:22:08] with

[01:22:09] stuff

[01:22:09] that

[01:22:09] is

[01:22:10] so

[01:22:10] random

[01:22:11] and

[01:22:11] so

[01:22:11] vast

[01:22:12] and

[01:22:13] so

[01:22:13] beyond

[01:22:14] our

[01:22:14] control

[01:22:15] that

[01:22:15] we

[01:22:15] can't

[01:22:16] really

[01:22:16] do

[01:22:16] anything

[01:22:16] about

[01:22:16] it

[01:22:19] and

[01:22:20] then

[01:22:20] why

[01:22:21] bother

[01:22:21] you

[01:22:21] know

[01:22:22] why

[01:22:23] bother

[01:22:25] worrying

[01:22:26] about

[01:22:26] what's

[01:22:27] eventually

[01:22:28] gonna

[01:22:28] happen

[01:22:28] when I

[01:22:33] was a

[01:22:33] kid

[01:22:34] and

[01:22:35] when I

[01:22:36] was

[01:22:36] younger

[01:22:36] I

[01:22:36] was

[01:22:37] like

[01:22:37] I

[01:22:39] was

[01:22:39] really

[01:22:40] afraid

[01:22:40] of

[01:22:40] storms

[01:22:42] wind

[01:22:43] strong

[01:22:44] gusts

[01:22:44] of

[01:22:44] wind

[01:22:45] there

[01:22:48] was

[01:22:48] this

[01:22:48] instant

[01:22:50] instance

[01:22:50] there

[01:22:51] was

[01:22:51] this

[01:22:51] instance

[01:22:51] when

[01:22:52] I

[01:23:01] what

[01:23:01] I

[01:23:02] meant

[01:23:02] to

[01:23:02] say

[01:23:02] was

[01:23:03] that

[01:23:03] I

[01:23:03] was

[01:23:04] a

[01:23:04] child

[01:23:07] so

[01:23:08] when

[01:23:08] I

[01:23:08] was

[01:23:08] a

[01:23:08] child

[01:23:09] there

[01:23:11] was

[01:23:12] this

[01:23:12] huge

[01:23:12] storm

[01:23:13] attacking

[01:23:16] our

[01:23:16] house

[01:23:17] in the

[01:23:17] middle

[01:23:17] of

[01:23:17] a

[01:23:17] winter

[01:23:18] night

[01:23:19] and

[01:23:20] I

[01:23:20] come

[01:23:21] from

[01:23:22] well

[01:23:24] not

[01:23:24] the

[01:23:25] northern

[01:23:25] part

[01:23:25] of

[01:23:26] Sweden

[01:23:26] but

[01:23:26] it's

[01:23:28] more

[01:23:29] north

[01:23:29] than

[01:23:29] where

[01:23:30] I

[01:23:30] live

[01:23:30] today

[01:23:30] in

[01:23:31] Stockholm

[01:23:31] so

[01:23:32] and

[01:23:32] I

[01:23:33] was

[01:23:33] brought

[01:23:34] up

[01:23:34] in

[01:23:34] the

[01:23:34] countryside

[01:23:35] so

[01:23:35] it

[01:23:35] was

[01:23:36] a

[01:23:36] lot

[01:23:36] of

[01:23:36] snow

[01:23:37] like

[01:23:37] everywhere

[01:23:40] and

[01:23:40] the

[01:23:42] starry

[01:23:42] night

[01:23:42] was

[01:23:43] throwing

[01:23:44] itself

[01:23:45] at

[01:23:45] my

[01:23:46] family's

[01:23:47] little

[01:23:47] house

[01:23:48] at

[01:23:49] the

[01:23:49] end

[01:23:49] of

[01:23:49] a

[01:23:52] gravel

[01:23:52] road

[01:23:54] I

[01:23:54] still

[01:23:55] think

[01:23:55] about

[01:23:55] that

[01:23:55] gravel

[01:23:56] road

[01:23:56] sometimes

[01:23:57] I

[01:24:01] have

[01:24:02] so

[01:24:02] many

[01:24:03] memories

[01:24:03] attached

[01:24:04] to

[01:24:04] that

[01:24:05] house

[01:24:05] and

[01:24:06] I'm

[01:24:06] so

[01:24:06] sad

[01:24:07] that

[01:24:07] it's

[01:24:07] not

[01:24:08] in

[01:24:08] my

[01:24:08] family's

[01:24:08] possession

[01:24:09] anymore

[01:24:09] because

[01:24:09] it

[01:24:10] would

[01:24:10] be

[01:24:11] lovely

[01:24:11] to

[01:24:11] be

[01:24:12] able

[01:24:12] to

[01:24:12] go

[01:24:13] there

[01:24:13] once

[01:24:13] in

[01:24:13] a

[01:24:13] while

[01:24:15] anyway

[01:24:18] I

[01:24:19] think

[01:24:19] I

[01:24:19] was

[01:24:19] around

[01:24:20] 10

[01:24:20] no

[01:24:22] I

[01:24:23] wasn't

[01:24:23] around

[01:24:23] 10

[01:24:24] I

[01:24:24] was

[01:24:24] about

[01:24:24] 10

[01:24:26] 10

[01:24:27] years

[01:24:27] old

[01:24:27] that

[01:24:28] is

[01:24:29] and

[01:24:29] I

[01:24:30] remember

[01:24:30] that

[01:24:31] the

[01:24:32] wind

[01:24:32] sounded

[01:24:32] almost

[01:24:33] like

[01:24:33] this

[01:24:34] being

[01:24:36] a

[01:24:37] monster

[01:24:37] of

[01:24:37] sorts

[01:24:38] growling

[01:24:39] and

[01:24:40] screeching

[01:24:41] trying to

[01:24:42] get into

[01:24:43] the

[01:24:43] house

[01:24:43] and

[01:24:45] I

[01:24:45] was

[01:24:46] so

[01:24:47] afraid

[01:24:47] but

[01:24:49] at the

[01:24:49] same

[01:24:50] time

[01:24:51] and

[01:24:52] it

[01:24:52] was

[01:24:52] totally

[01:24:53] it

[01:24:53] was

[01:24:54] pitch

[01:24:55] black

[01:24:55] outside

[01:24:55] because

[01:24:56] it

[01:24:57] was

[01:24:57] winter

[01:24:57] and

[01:24:58] at

[01:25:00] that

[01:25:00] time

[01:25:01] like

[01:25:01] in

[01:25:03] January

[01:25:04] I

[01:25:05] think

[01:25:05] it

[01:25:05] was

[01:25:06] and

[01:25:07] it

[01:25:07] gets

[01:25:08] dark

[01:25:08] like

[01:25:10] 3

[01:25:10] o'clock

[01:25:11] in the

[01:25:11] afternoons

[01:25:13] so

[01:25:14] it

[01:25:14] was

[01:25:14] pitch

[01:25:14] black

[01:25:15] and

[01:25:15] all

[01:25:15] we

[01:25:15] could

[01:25:15] hear

[01:25:16] was

[01:25:16] the

[01:25:17] sound

[01:25:17] of

[01:25:17] the

[01:25:17] roaring

[01:25:18] wind

[01:25:18] and

[01:25:19] we

[01:25:20] had

[01:25:20] plans

[01:25:20] to

[01:25:21] go

[01:25:21] to

[01:25:21] my

[01:25:21] grandma

[01:25:22] my

[01:25:22] mother's

[01:25:23] mother

[01:25:23] to

[01:25:24] have

[01:25:24] like

[01:25:25] this

[01:25:26] end

[01:25:27] of

[01:25:27] Christmas

[01:25:27] party

[01:25:28] that

[01:25:29] she

[01:25:29] threw

[01:25:30] every

[01:25:30] year

[01:25:30] and

[01:25:30] there

[01:25:31] was

[01:25:31] a lot

[01:25:32] of

[01:25:32] candy

[01:25:32] being

[01:25:33] served

[01:25:33] at

[01:25:33] those

[01:25:33] events

[01:25:34] and

[01:25:34] me

[01:25:35] and

[01:25:36] my

[01:25:36] siblings

[01:25:36] we

[01:25:36] were

[01:25:37] like

[01:25:37] starved

[01:25:38] of

[01:25:38] candy

[01:25:38] because

[01:25:39] my

[01:25:39] mom

[01:25:40] really

[01:25:40] didn't

[01:25:41] well

[01:25:42] is it

[01:25:43] fair

[01:25:43] to say

[01:25:44] that

[01:25:44] she

[01:25:44] didn't

[01:25:45] believe

[01:25:45] in

[01:25:45] candy

[01:25:47] I

[01:25:48] don't

[01:25:48] know

[01:25:48] if

[01:25:48] that's

[01:25:49] the

[01:25:49] right

[01:25:49] way

[01:25:50] to

[01:25:50] put

[01:25:50] it

[01:25:50] but

[01:25:51] she

[01:25:51] was

[01:25:51] very

[01:25:52] much

[01:25:52] against

[01:25:53] it

[01:25:53] and

[01:25:53] but

[01:25:54] she

[01:25:54] couldn't

[01:25:55] do

[01:25:55] anything

[01:25:55] about

[01:25:55] her

[01:25:56] mother

[01:25:56] giving

[01:25:57] us

[01:25:58] we

[01:25:59] were

[01:25:59] like

[01:26:00] we

[01:26:01] were

[01:26:01] very

[01:26:01] keen

[01:26:01] on