The Lost Art of the Freeze Frame

[00:00:00] Hi Sleepy, just a very quick note before we start today's episode. Do you want to listen to this podcast without the ads? Then you absolutely can. Just subscribe to Fall Asleep with Henrik Plus and to do so you can just click the link in the podcast description and it'll be fixed. See you there.

[00:00:22] Hi and welcome to Fall Asleep with Henrik. I am Henrik and you are in all ways that matter the sleepy and it is what it is. What happens happens and right now there's nothing we can do. So let's go. Hi Sleepy.

[00:00:57] So welcome to another episode of Fall Asleep with Henrik, the podcast that really doesn't really make an effort entertaining you, although it does.

[00:01:16] So I'm not trying to bore you to sleep. I am quite the opposite, trying to entertain you to sleep, although I haven't prepared anything. I haven't written any scripts. I haven't prepared. I haven't done any research.

[00:01:32] I'm not from any English-speaking country, so my language is prohibited to make the necessary turns and twists that is required of a native Englishman. Nevertheless, I am going to try to just talk until you fall asleep, really.

[00:01:59] So that's all you need to know about the podcast. I am just trying to be your... Imagine if I'm... I could be your friend, like someone to... who just... when you were younger, maybe you had a friend who stayed over at your place and you just talked and talked and talked until you fell asleep.

[00:02:24] And the last thing you were... and the last thing you were... and the last thing you remember is that friend's voice just drifting gradually ever so slowly into the dream world.

[00:02:36] So all of a sudden, your friend's voice is part of a dream. And when you try to figure out what's the dream and what's the actual real world, you don't really know anymore.

[00:02:56] That's my aim with this podcast.

[00:03:00] And my name is truly Henrik.

[00:03:03] I am from Sweden.

[00:03:04] And if you like this podcast,

[00:03:07] if it does what it promises,

[00:03:10] or if you like it for any other reason,

[00:03:13] please feel free to

[00:03:14] give me a review.

[00:03:17] Or why not go in and

[00:03:19] follow me on any social media

[00:03:23] if you want.

[00:03:28] So,

[00:03:29] I'm sorry, I just need to respond to

[00:03:31] a text message from my

[00:03:33] sister

[00:03:33] because I'm going there tomorrow.

[00:03:39] So I'm just going to answer her

[00:03:41] perfect.

[00:03:44] Tomorrow, I'm going back to my

[00:03:46] hometown

[00:03:48] and my home village,

[00:03:50] Falun,

[00:03:51] which is

[00:03:51] a small town in

[00:03:53] Dalekalia,

[00:03:54] Sweden.

[00:03:56] That's where I was

[00:03:57] brought up.

[00:03:59] My sister still lives there.

[00:04:01] And

[00:04:02] she's

[00:04:05] she's an author,

[00:04:06] although she

[00:04:07] haven't been published.

[00:04:10] And that's

[00:04:12] that's a

[00:04:13] that's a sad thing

[00:04:15] because I would like

[00:04:16] nothing more

[00:04:17] than to

[00:04:18] see her published.

[00:04:21] She's a fantasy writer,

[00:04:23] I think.

[00:04:24] She's always been writing

[00:04:25] fiction,

[00:04:28] fantasy fiction.

[00:04:30] and

[00:04:32] she's very into

[00:04:34] like love stories

[00:04:35] and such.

[00:04:36] I think sometimes

[00:04:38] her writing is a bit

[00:04:39] Harlekin-y,

[00:04:41] you know,

[00:04:41] the Harlekin novels.

[00:04:43] It's like

[00:04:45] it's very

[00:04:48] it's feel-good literature,

[00:04:50] I would say.

[00:04:51] And

[00:04:52] a common theme

[00:04:53] is always love.

[00:04:55] And

[00:04:56] as in every fantasy,

[00:04:58] a dark

[00:04:59] great evil

[00:05:02] lurking

[00:05:03] behind a mountain

[00:05:04] somewhere

[00:05:05] and also

[00:05:06] great good

[00:05:07] and also

[00:05:09] like

[00:05:10] very high

[00:05:12] tuned

[00:05:12] not high tuned,

[00:05:14] what do you say?

[00:05:15] High mannered

[00:05:15] way of speaking

[00:05:16] like

[00:05:17] this high mannered

[00:05:19] language.

[00:05:21] People speak

[00:05:22] to each other

[00:05:23] in

[00:05:24] ways that

[00:05:25] people normally

[00:05:26] never do.

[00:05:27] like

[00:05:29] although

[00:05:30] I'm prepared,

[00:05:32] I would love

[00:05:33] thee to

[00:05:33] bring forth

[00:05:35] the shield

[00:05:36] of

[00:05:36] Blaha Blaha

[00:05:37] for instance.

[00:05:41] And

[00:05:43] I've

[00:05:44] given fantasy

[00:05:45] the fantasy

[00:05:45] genre

[00:05:46] a try

[00:05:47] myself

[00:05:47] when writing

[00:05:48] since I

[00:05:49] write books

[00:05:50] as well.

[00:05:51] I have never

[00:05:52] seen

[00:05:53] me,

[00:05:55] I've never

[00:05:55] regarded myself

[00:05:57] as a writer

[00:06:00] in any

[00:06:01] real sense

[00:06:02] mainly because

[00:06:03] it takes

[00:06:04] time for me

[00:06:05] to write a book.

[00:06:07] I produce

[00:06:08] content like

[00:06:09] on a regular

[00:06:10] basis,

[00:06:11] like every

[00:06:12] day I produce

[00:06:13] some form of

[00:06:14] content but

[00:06:14] it's always

[00:06:15] this unedited

[00:06:16] improvised

[00:06:18] feed of

[00:06:22] train of

[00:06:23] thought.

[00:06:23] but whenever

[00:06:25] I'm doing

[00:06:26] something

[00:06:27] real,

[00:06:28] like tangible,

[00:06:29] for instance,

[00:06:30] like a book,

[00:06:32] it takes

[00:06:33] time.

[00:06:35] So

[00:06:35] I've

[00:06:36] so far

[00:06:37] I have

[00:06:37] written three

[00:06:38] books

[00:06:40] and I

[00:06:41] am

[00:06:41] 49 years

[00:06:42] old.

[00:06:43] So

[00:06:43] I don't

[00:06:45] know,

[00:06:45] that's

[00:06:45] like

[00:06:47] one

[00:06:47] for

[00:06:49] each

[00:06:50] decade

[00:06:50] if you

[00:06:51] don't

[00:06:52] count my

[00:06:52] first

[00:06:53] 10 years

[00:06:53] in life.

[00:06:57] So

[00:07:01] my

[00:07:01] sister,

[00:07:02] her name

[00:07:02] is

[00:07:02] Erika,

[00:07:03] she's

[00:07:05] a fantasy

[00:07:06] writer and

[00:07:08] I'm going

[00:07:08] to interview

[00:07:09] her for

[00:07:10] my podcast

[00:07:12] Wonder

[00:07:13] with Henrik

[00:07:14] in Swedish

[00:07:16] and

[00:07:17] I think

[00:07:18] she will

[00:07:18] be a

[00:07:19] great

[00:07:19] guest.

[00:07:21] We have

[00:07:22] this

[00:07:22] very

[00:07:24] easy

[00:07:24] relationship

[00:07:25] now.

[00:07:27] It

[00:07:28] never,

[00:07:28] it didn't

[00:07:30] used to

[00:07:31] be that

[00:07:31] way.

[00:07:32] We've

[00:07:33] had our

[00:07:34] differences

[00:07:34] in the

[00:07:35] past

[00:07:37] and

[00:07:40] nevertheless

[00:07:40] she's

[00:07:42] truly,

[00:07:45] I truly

[00:07:46] love her

[00:07:46] because she's

[00:07:47] my only

[00:07:47] sister and

[00:07:48] that means

[00:07:49] something I

[00:07:49] think.

[00:07:50] I have

[00:07:51] five siblings

[00:07:52] and all of

[00:07:53] them are

[00:07:53] brothers except

[00:07:54] for Erika.

[00:07:57] Erika has

[00:07:58] this heart

[00:07:59] disease.

[00:08:00] Her heart

[00:08:01] is

[00:08:03] turned upside

[00:08:04] down in a

[00:08:05] way, not

[00:08:05] like entirely

[00:08:06] but the

[00:08:07] chambers that

[00:08:08] do the

[00:08:10] distribution

[00:08:11] of blood

[00:08:12] in and

[00:08:13] out of

[00:08:13] the vessels,

[00:08:14] the pumps,

[00:08:16] they are,

[00:08:19] they have

[00:08:20] switched

[00:08:20] places.

[00:08:21] so to

[00:08:22] put it

[00:08:23] in very

[00:08:23] easy

[00:08:24] terms,

[00:08:25] the

[00:08:26] chamber

[00:08:26] that

[00:08:27] are

[00:08:27] supposed

[00:08:27] to be

[00:08:28] pumping

[00:08:28] out the

[00:08:29] blood

[00:08:29] is

[00:08:29] the

[00:08:30] one

[00:08:30] that

[00:08:30] takes

[00:08:31] in the

[00:08:31] blood

[00:08:32] into the

[00:08:32] heart.

[00:08:33] So the

[00:08:36] blood flow

[00:08:37] in her

[00:08:37] body is

[00:08:38] like wrong,

[00:08:40] so she has

[00:08:40] a pace

[00:08:41] maker and

[00:08:42] she's four

[00:08:43] years younger

[00:08:43] than me,

[00:08:44] so she's

[00:08:45] getting up

[00:08:46] in age

[00:08:47] as am

[00:08:47] I,

[00:08:48] and I've

[00:08:50] always felt

[00:08:51] like very

[00:08:52] worried about

[00:08:53] her and

[00:08:53] very concerned

[00:08:54] about her

[00:08:56] and she's

[00:08:59] right now

[00:09:01] quite weak.

[00:09:04] Her heart

[00:09:05] is getting

[00:09:07] weaker.

[00:09:08] I don't

[00:09:08] know if

[00:09:09] that's

[00:09:09] temporary

[00:09:11] or not.

[00:09:13] I don't

[00:09:14] know if

[00:09:14] that's

[00:09:16] something

[00:09:18] that will

[00:09:18] gradually

[00:09:19] worsen

[00:09:20] over time.

[00:09:21] She's

[00:09:21] had these

[00:09:22] downturns

[00:09:23] before.

[00:09:24] When she

[00:09:25] was born

[00:09:26] in 1979,

[00:09:27] the doctor

[00:09:28] said that

[00:09:28] she

[00:09:31] probably

[00:09:32] wouldn't

[00:09:32] live very

[00:09:33] long,

[00:09:34] and

[00:09:35] that of

[00:09:37] course

[00:09:38] made my

[00:09:39] family

[00:09:41] from day

[00:09:42] into night.

[00:09:44] I remember

[00:09:45] it quite

[00:09:45] clearly that

[00:09:46] darkness

[00:09:47] really gripped

[00:09:48] us.

[00:09:49] I was

[00:09:50] four years

[00:09:51] old and

[00:09:51] my brother

[00:09:52] David was

[00:09:52] two.

[00:09:54] I'm

[00:09:55] really the

[00:09:56] only one

[00:09:56] who

[00:09:56] remembered

[00:09:57] the

[00:09:59] transition

[00:10:00] between

[00:10:01] this normal

[00:10:02] childhood

[00:10:03] and into

[00:10:04] this

[00:10:04] very

[00:10:06] worrisome

[00:10:06] environment.

[00:10:10] I can

[00:10:11] say with

[00:10:11] confidence

[00:10:12] that much

[00:10:13] of my

[00:10:13] childhood

[00:10:14] trauma

[00:10:14] comes

[00:10:15] from

[00:10:17] it starts

[00:10:18] there

[00:10:18] in 1979.

[00:10:21] So

[00:10:23] she's

[00:10:23] been

[00:10:23] this

[00:10:24] but what

[00:10:25] I wanted

[00:10:26] to say

[00:10:26] is that

[00:10:26] she's

[00:10:27] proved the

[00:10:27] doctors

[00:10:28] wrong

[00:10:28] again and

[00:10:29] again and

[00:10:29] again.

[00:10:30] It's

[00:10:31] almost like

[00:10:32] she's

[00:10:32] just doing

[00:10:33] it out

[00:10:33] of spite

[00:10:34] it and

[00:10:35] I really

[00:10:35] love that

[00:10:36] about her

[00:10:36] because she's

[00:10:37] one of the

[00:10:38] strongest

[00:10:38] people I

[00:10:39] know.

[00:10:41] She's

[00:10:42] they said

[00:10:43] she wouldn't

[00:10:44] be able to

[00:10:45] have a

[00:10:45] child

[00:10:46] because of

[00:10:47] the

[00:10:47] strains on

[00:10:48] the body

[00:10:49] while giving

[00:10:50] birth and

[00:10:50] during the

[00:10:51] pregnancy

[00:10:52] but she

[00:10:53] did

[00:10:53] and she

[00:10:55] was 21

[00:10:55] years old

[00:10:56] and she

[00:10:56] gave birth

[00:10:57] to this

[00:10:57] wonderful

[00:10:58] person

[00:10:59] named

[00:10:59] Hannah

[00:10:59] who is

[00:11:00] now

[00:11:01] 24

[00:11:02] years

[00:11:02] old

[00:11:03] and

[00:11:05] is

[00:11:06] this

[00:11:06] amazing

[00:11:07] human

[00:11:07] being

[00:11:09] and it's

[00:11:10] such a

[00:11:11] great thing

[00:11:11] to see

[00:11:12] her

[00:11:12] grow up

[00:11:13] to have

[00:11:16] like this

[00:11:18] extension

[00:11:19] of my

[00:11:19] sister

[00:11:20] but at

[00:11:21] the same

[00:11:21] time she's

[00:11:22] clearly her

[00:11:23] own

[00:11:24] boss

[00:11:25] you know

[00:11:28] so

[00:11:29] she's

[00:11:30] given me

[00:11:30] so much

[00:11:34] intense

[00:11:34] feelings

[00:11:35] my sister

[00:11:36] over the

[00:11:36] years

[00:11:37] it's hard

[00:11:38] to live

[00:11:38] with someone

[00:11:39] that is

[00:11:41] seriously

[00:11:42] ill

[00:11:42] and we

[00:11:46] around her

[00:11:47] we keep

[00:11:49] being reminded

[00:11:50] about the

[00:11:51] illness

[00:11:51] from time

[00:11:52] to time

[00:11:53] because as I

[00:11:53] said

[00:11:54] her illness

[00:11:55] comes and

[00:11:55] goes like

[00:11:56] in

[00:11:58] intense

[00:11:59] periods

[00:11:59] of

[00:12:01] okay so

[00:12:01] now her

[00:12:02] heart is

[00:12:02] really weak

[00:12:03] so anyway

[00:12:06] I'm going

[00:12:07] there she

[00:12:07] lives

[00:12:08] she met

[00:12:09] this guy

[00:12:10] and they

[00:12:10] moved in

[00:12:11] together in

[00:12:11] my in

[00:12:12] our

[00:12:13] childhood

[00:12:14] village

[00:12:14] called

[00:12:15] Linghed

[00:12:17] and

[00:12:18] that's a

[00:12:19] small village

[00:12:19] with just a

[00:12:20] few hundred

[00:12:21] houses

[00:12:21] and

[00:12:22] that's the

[00:12:23] village where

[00:12:24] we

[00:12:24] grew up

[00:12:26] and she

[00:12:26] lives there

[00:12:27] again

[00:12:27] now

[00:12:28] and

[00:12:29] I

[00:12:30] thought

[00:12:30] it would

[00:12:30] be a

[00:12:30] great

[00:12:31] episode

[00:12:32] if I

[00:12:32] just went

[00:12:32] there and

[00:12:33] interviewed

[00:12:33] her

[00:12:34] while we

[00:12:34] were

[00:12:35] walking

[00:12:35] around

[00:12:36] in

[00:12:36] our

[00:12:37] common

[00:12:40] growing

[00:12:40] ground

[00:12:41] you know

[00:12:43] our breeding

[00:12:44] ground

[00:12:47] and I

[00:12:48] think we

[00:12:49] will have

[00:12:49] a great

[00:12:50] time

[00:12:51] and I

[00:12:51] believe

[00:12:51] we will

[00:12:52] say

[00:12:52] stuff

[00:12:52] that

[00:12:53] it's

[00:12:53] I

[00:12:53] think

[00:12:54] it

[00:12:54] will

[00:12:54] be

[00:12:54] good

[00:12:54] content

[00:12:55] maybe

[00:12:56] a good

[00:12:56] cry

[00:12:57] or two

[00:12:57] you know

[00:12:58] so that's

[00:13:01] where I'm

[00:13:01] going

[00:13:01] tomorrow

[00:13:02] and right

[00:13:03] now

[00:13:03] I'm a bit

[00:13:04] emotional

[00:13:06] because

[00:13:07] well

[00:13:10] my daddy

[00:13:12] it's his

[00:13:14] 76th

[00:13:15] birthday

[00:13:17] on

[00:13:18] Sunday

[00:13:20] that Sunday

[00:13:21] has passed

[00:13:21] by the time

[00:13:22] you listen to

[00:13:23] this podcast

[00:13:23] it was

[00:13:24] this Sunday

[00:13:25] you just

[00:13:26] passed

[00:13:27] the end

[00:13:27] of your

[00:13:27] last week

[00:13:29] and

[00:13:32] well

[00:13:34] let's

[00:13:34] just

[00:13:34] say

[00:13:35] that

[00:13:36] it's

[00:13:37] not

[00:13:37] all

[00:13:37] of

[00:13:37] us

[00:13:38] siblings

[00:13:38] that

[00:13:38] are

[00:13:39] really

[00:13:39] you know

[00:13:41] on good

[00:13:41] terms

[00:13:42] and

[00:13:43] there's

[00:13:43] been

[00:13:44] this

[00:13:44] conflict

[00:13:44] about

[00:13:46] who

[00:13:47] is

[00:13:47] going

[00:13:47] to

[00:13:48] come

[00:13:49] there

[00:13:49] and

[00:13:49] celebrate

[00:13:50] dad

[00:13:52] and

[00:13:53] I

[00:13:54] could

[00:13:54] be

[00:13:54] really

[00:13:55] sad

[00:13:55] about

[00:13:55] this

[00:13:56] that

[00:13:58] I

[00:13:58] just

[00:13:58] can't

[00:14:00] really

[00:14:00] understand

[00:14:01] why

[00:14:01] my

[00:14:01] parents

[00:14:02] don't

[00:14:03] just

[00:14:03] say

[00:14:04] everyone

[00:14:05] is welcome

[00:14:06] it's

[00:14:06] my

[00:14:06] birthday

[00:14:07] just

[00:14:07] everyone

[00:14:08] is

[00:14:08] welcome

[00:14:08] you'll

[00:14:09] have

[00:14:09] to

[00:14:09] live

[00:14:10] with

[00:14:10] that

[00:14:11] but

[00:14:12] they

[00:14:12] just

[00:14:12] listen

[00:14:13] to

[00:14:13] this

[00:14:13] particular

[00:14:14] person

[00:14:14] and

[00:14:15] they

[00:14:16] let

[00:14:16] him

[00:14:16] like

[00:14:20] decide

[00:14:21] the

[00:14:21] narrative

[00:14:23] and

[00:14:23] that's

[00:14:24] hurtful

[00:14:25] and

[00:14:26] I

[00:14:26] always

[00:14:26] have

[00:14:27] this

[00:14:27] feeling

[00:14:27] that

[00:14:27] it's

[00:14:28] my

[00:14:28] fault

[00:14:29] in a

[00:14:29] way

[00:14:29] because

[00:14:30] I

[00:14:30] left

[00:14:30] my

[00:14:31] hometown

[00:14:32] I

[00:14:32] moved

[00:14:32] to

[00:14:32] Stockholm

[00:14:33] I

[00:14:36] started

[00:14:37] my

[00:14:37] own

[00:14:37] life

[00:14:38] my

[00:14:38] own

[00:14:38] career

[00:14:40] and

[00:14:41] I

[00:14:41] haven't

[00:14:41] had

[00:14:41] much

[00:14:42] contact

[00:14:42] with

[00:14:42] this

[00:14:42] particular

[00:14:43] sibling

[00:14:43] over

[00:14:44] the

[00:14:44] years

[00:14:44] and

[00:14:45] that's

[00:14:46] a sad

[00:14:46] thing

[00:14:46] of course

[00:14:48] but

[00:14:49] sometimes

[00:14:51] I

[00:14:52] get

[00:14:53] sad

[00:14:54] because

[00:14:55] it's

[00:14:55] a shame

[00:14:56] really

[00:14:56] because

[00:14:56] we

[00:14:56] grew up

[00:14:58] together

[00:14:58] and

[00:14:59] I

[00:15:00] wish

[00:15:00] sometimes

[00:15:01] that

[00:15:01] the

[00:15:02] human

[00:15:02] psyche

[00:15:02] would

[00:15:03] be

[00:15:03] more

[00:15:05] tangible

[00:15:06] more

[00:15:07] easy

[00:15:11] to form

[00:15:12] and

[00:15:13] to

[00:15:13] work

[00:15:14] with

[00:15:14] but

[00:15:15] it's

[00:15:15] like

[00:15:15] as

[00:15:16] we

[00:15:16] grow

[00:15:16] up

[00:15:17] it's

[00:15:17] like

[00:15:17] our

[00:15:17] psyches

[00:15:18] our

[00:15:18] personalities

[00:15:19] are

[00:15:19] just

[00:15:19] stale

[00:15:21] you know

[00:15:22] we're

[00:15:23] like

[00:15:23] rocks

[00:15:23] colliding

[00:15:24] again

[00:15:24] and again

[00:15:25] and again

[00:15:25] and we

[00:15:26] can't

[00:15:26] change

[00:15:26] and that's

[00:15:27] so sad

[00:15:28] and it's

[00:15:29] been that

[00:15:29] way for

[00:15:29] so many

[00:15:31] years now

[00:15:31] that I

[00:15:31] don't even

[00:15:32] remember

[00:15:32] ever having

[00:15:33] a normal

[00:15:34] conversation

[00:15:35] or a

[00:15:36] normal

[00:15:36] like

[00:15:40] normal

[00:15:40] time

[00:15:41] with him

[00:15:42] with this

[00:15:43] this one

[00:15:48] and

[00:15:50] that makes

[00:15:50] me even

[00:15:51] more glad

[00:15:52] that

[00:15:53] I have

[00:15:55] a sister

[00:15:56] that I

[00:15:56] can

[00:15:56] speak

[00:15:57] with

[00:15:58] about

[00:15:58] this

[00:16:00] and also

[00:16:01] my other

[00:16:01] siblings

[00:16:02] are

[00:16:02] a delight

[00:16:04] in so

[00:16:04] many ways

[00:16:05] of course

[00:16:06] we have

[00:16:07] our

[00:16:07] differences

[00:16:07] and

[00:16:09] we

[00:16:09] haven't

[00:16:10] had it

[00:16:10] easy

[00:16:11] all of

[00:16:12] the

[00:16:12] times

[00:16:12] we're

[00:16:13] very

[00:16:13] close

[00:16:14] in

[00:16:14] age

[00:16:14] so

[00:16:15] at

[00:16:16] least

[00:16:16] the

[00:16:17] first

[00:16:17] four

[00:16:17] of

[00:16:17] us

[00:16:18] so

[00:16:20] we're

[00:16:21] of course

[00:16:22] there has

[00:16:23] been

[00:16:23] collisions

[00:16:23] over the

[00:16:24] years

[00:16:24] but

[00:16:24] it's

[00:16:25] mainly

[00:16:26] say

[00:16:27] that

[00:16:27] it's

[00:16:28] it's

[00:16:29] a great

[00:16:29] thing

[00:16:29] to have

[00:16:30] so many

[00:16:30] siblings

[00:16:31] because

[00:16:32] they give

[00:16:33] me this

[00:16:33] blueprint

[00:16:34] about

[00:16:35] how my

[00:16:36] childhood

[00:16:36] was

[00:16:37] what my

[00:16:38] childhood

[00:16:38] was like

[00:16:42] and

[00:16:43] so that's

[00:16:45] a joyful

[00:16:47] thing

[00:16:47] but it's

[00:16:51] also a

[00:16:51] sad

[00:16:51] thing

[00:16:52] that

[00:16:52] one

[00:16:53] of

[00:16:53] us

[00:16:53] don't

[00:16:54] want

[00:16:55] to

[00:16:55] belong

[00:16:57] and

[00:16:58] I

[00:16:58] don't

[00:16:58] want

[00:16:58] to

[00:16:58] talk

[00:16:59] too

[00:16:59] much

[00:16:59] about

[00:16:59] him

[00:17:00] because

[00:17:00] I

[00:17:01] don't

[00:17:01] know

[00:17:02] I

[00:17:03] don't

[00:17:03] think

[00:17:03] he

[00:17:03] listens

[00:17:04] but

[00:17:04] if

[00:17:04] you

[00:17:04] do

[00:17:06] then

[00:17:07] I'm

[00:17:08] sorry

[00:17:08] but

[00:17:08] I

[00:17:09] guess

[00:17:09] this

[00:17:10] is a

[00:17:10] way

[00:17:10] for

[00:17:11] me

[00:17:12] to

[00:17:12] just

[00:17:12] process

[00:17:12] all

[00:17:13] the

[00:17:13] feelings

[00:17:13] around

[00:17:14] this

[00:17:16] I've

[00:17:17] tried

[00:17:17] to

[00:17:17] reach

[00:17:17] out

[00:17:18] a

[00:17:18] couple

[00:17:18] of

[00:17:18] times

[00:17:19] but

[00:17:19] it's

[00:17:19] hard

[00:17:19] because

[00:17:20] we

[00:17:20] speak

[00:17:21] in

[00:17:21] different

[00:17:21] ways

[00:17:22] I

[00:17:24] think

[00:17:24] we

[00:17:24] have

[00:17:24] different

[00:17:24] relationships

[00:17:25] to

[00:17:26] words

[00:17:26] and

[00:17:27] the

[00:17:27] life

[00:17:27] and

[00:17:30] attitudes

[00:17:31] and

[00:17:32] belief

[00:17:32] systems

[00:17:32] and

[00:17:33] dogmas

[00:17:33] and

[00:17:34] ideologies

[00:17:34] and

[00:17:35] stuff

[00:17:35] and

[00:17:36] so

[00:17:37] it

[00:17:37] always

[00:17:37] feels

[00:17:38] like

[00:17:38] we're

[00:17:38] on

[00:17:39] different

[00:17:39] sides

[00:17:40] of

[00:17:40] the

[00:17:40] Grand

[00:17:40] Canyon

[00:17:42] and

[00:17:49] capture

[00:17:50] so

[00:17:54] I'm

[00:17:55] I'm

[00:17:55] sad

[00:17:56] that

[00:17:56] this

[00:17:56] happened

[00:17:57] and

[00:17:59] in

[00:18:00] a

[00:18:00] way

[00:18:00] I

[00:18:00] don't

[00:18:00] think

[00:18:01] it's

[00:18:01] our

[00:18:01] fault

[00:18:02] it's

[00:18:02] not

[00:18:02] any

[00:18:03] of

[00:18:04] us

[00:18:06] that's

[00:18:06] made

[00:18:06] a

[00:18:07] mistake

[00:18:07] although

[00:18:09] I

[00:18:09] guess

[00:18:10] he

[00:18:10] keeps

[00:18:10] making

[00:18:11] me

[00:18:11] feel

[00:18:11] that

[00:18:12] way

[00:18:13] and

[00:18:13] that's

[00:18:15] I

[00:18:15] mean

[00:18:16] that's

[00:18:16] a

[00:18:16] rotten

[00:18:17] thing

[00:18:17] to

[00:18:17] do

[00:18:17] I

[00:18:17] believe

[00:18:18] because

[00:18:18] why

[00:18:19] would

[00:18:19] you

[00:18:19] want

[00:18:19] to

[00:18:20] cast

[00:18:20] blame

[00:18:21] or

[00:18:21] maybe

[00:18:22] it's

[00:18:22] just

[00:18:22] me

[00:18:22] maybe

[00:18:23] it's

[00:18:23] just

[00:18:26] you

[00:18:27] know

[00:18:28] I

[00:18:29] just

[00:18:30] put

[00:18:30] on

[00:18:30] the

[00:18:30] blame

[00:18:31] like

[00:18:31] a

[00:18:31] stained

[00:18:32] suit

[00:18:33] every

[00:18:34] time

[00:18:34] I

[00:18:34] get

[00:18:34] an

[00:18:35] opportunity

[00:18:35] because

[00:18:36] I'm

[00:18:36] really

[00:18:37] good

[00:18:37] at

[00:18:37] blaming

[00:18:38] myself

[00:18:38] for

[00:18:38] stuff

[00:18:39] I

[00:18:46] think

[00:18:47] that

[00:18:47] maybe

[00:18:48] the

[00:18:49] original

[00:18:49] error

[00:18:50] is

[00:18:51] something

[00:18:52] that took

[00:18:52] place

[00:18:53] very

[00:18:54] early

[00:18:54] in our

[00:18:54] common

[00:18:55] childhood

[00:18:55] together

[00:18:56] he

[00:18:57] left

[00:18:57] home

[00:18:58] very

[00:18:58] early

[00:19:00] because

[00:19:00] he

[00:19:01] has a

[00:19:01] disability

[00:19:02] that

[00:19:03] forced

[00:19:03] him

[00:19:04] to

[00:19:04] move

[00:19:05] to

[00:19:05] another

[00:19:05] town

[00:19:06] as a

[00:19:06] very

[00:19:06] young

[00:19:06] boy

[00:19:07] to

[00:19:08] go

[00:19:08] to

[00:19:08] a

[00:19:08] special

[00:19:08] school

[00:19:09] and

[00:19:10] our

[00:19:10] family

[00:19:10] didn't

[00:19:12] follow

[00:19:12] him

[00:19:12] there

[00:19:13] and

[00:19:13] that's

[00:19:13] I

[00:19:14] guess

[00:19:14] that

[00:19:14] was

[00:19:14] a

[00:19:14] mistake

[00:19:16] why

[00:19:16] couldn't

[00:19:17] we

[00:19:17] all

[00:19:17] have

[00:19:17] moved

[00:19:18] to

[00:19:18] that

[00:19:18] city

[00:19:20] I

[00:19:20] don't

[00:19:21] know

[00:19:21] why

[00:19:21] because

[00:19:21] I

[00:19:21] was

[00:19:22] a

[00:19:22] child

[00:19:22] back

[00:19:22] then

[00:19:23] so

[00:19:23] I

[00:19:24] never

[00:19:24] took

[00:19:24] any

[00:19:25] part

[00:19:25] of

[00:19:25] the

[00:19:25] decision

[00:19:26] making

[00:19:28] but

[00:19:29] I

[00:19:29] think

[00:19:29] there

[00:19:30] something

[00:19:31] profoundly

[00:19:34] harmful

[00:19:34] happened

[00:19:35] to him

[00:19:35] I

[00:19:37] think

[00:19:37] that

[00:19:40] being

[00:19:41] like

[00:19:43] separated

[00:19:43] from his

[00:19:44] family

[00:19:44] at that

[00:19:45] early age

[00:19:45] was

[00:19:48] harmful

[00:19:52] still

[00:19:52] I

[00:19:53] don't

[00:19:53] know

[00:19:54] I

[00:19:54] don't

[00:19:54] know

[00:19:54] anything

[00:19:55] and

[00:19:55] I'm

[00:19:55] not

[00:20:25] blaming

[00:20:26] again

[00:20:30] I

[00:20:32] I

[00:20:33] really

[00:20:34] wish

[00:20:34] that

[00:20:34] I

[00:20:35] could

[00:20:36] alternate

[00:20:36] realities

[00:20:37] when this

[00:20:38] happens

[00:20:38] that I

[00:20:40] could

[00:20:40] just

[00:20:40] step

[00:20:41] into

[00:20:41] another

[00:20:42] reality

[00:20:42] as I

[00:20:43] switch

[00:20:44] stones

[00:20:44] in a

[00:20:45] stream

[00:20:45] or

[00:20:48] just

[00:20:48] walk

[00:20:49] through

[00:20:49] a

[00:20:50] veil

[00:20:50] in

[00:20:51] a

[00:20:51] fast

[00:20:51] corridor

[00:20:52] and

[00:20:54] there

[00:20:55] he

[00:20:55] is

[00:20:56] my

[00:20:57] brother

[00:20:57] who

[00:21:03] we

[00:21:04] can

[00:21:04] you

[00:21:07] know

[00:21:07] talk

[00:21:07] about

[00:21:08] everything

[00:21:09] that

[00:21:09] happened

[00:21:09] the

[00:21:15] thing

[00:21:15] that

[00:21:15] really

[00:21:16] makes

[00:21:16] it

[00:21:16] hard

[00:21:17] to

[00:21:17] meet

[00:21:17] is

[00:21:18] the

[00:21:18] level

[00:21:19] of

[00:21:19] seriousness

[00:21:19] that

[00:21:20] he

[00:21:21] is

[00:21:21] bringing

[00:21:21] to

[00:21:22] the

[00:21:22] table

[00:21:23] nothing

[00:21:24] is

[00:21:24] ever

[00:21:24] just

[00:21:25] easy

[00:21:25] and

[00:21:25] fun

[00:21:27] he's

[00:21:28] had

[00:21:28] a

[00:21:28] hard

[00:21:28] life

[00:21:29] he's

[00:21:39] the

[00:21:40] veil

[00:21:40] of

[00:21:40] heaviness

[00:21:41] because

[00:21:42] a

[00:21:42] veil

[00:21:42] is

[00:21:43] per

[00:21:43] definition

[00:21:43] a

[00:21:44] very

[00:21:44] easy

[00:21:45] light

[00:21:47] thing

[00:21:48] but

[00:21:49] it's

[00:21:50] almost

[00:21:50] like

[00:21:51] this

[00:21:51] invisible

[00:21:51] very

[00:21:52] ultra

[00:21:53] thin

[00:21:53] veil

[00:21:54] of

[00:21:55] extreme

[00:21:55] heaviness

[00:21:56] that's

[00:21:58] been imposed

[00:21:58] on our

[00:21:59] conversation

[00:22:00] whenever

[00:22:00] he's

[00:22:01] around

[00:22:01] because

[00:22:02] there

[00:22:02] is

[00:22:02] not

[00:22:03] he

[00:22:03] has

[00:22:04] a

[00:22:04] great

[00:22:04] sense

[00:22:04] of

[00:22:04] humor

[00:22:05] and

[00:22:05] he's

[00:22:05] such

[00:22:05] a

[00:22:06] warm

[00:22:06] person

[00:22:07] in

[00:22:08] the

[00:22:08] core

[00:22:08] but

[00:22:09] it's

[00:22:09] so

[00:22:09] much

[00:22:14] I

[00:22:17] don't

[00:22:17] want

[00:22:18] trash

[00:22:18] talk

[00:22:18] him

[00:22:19] so

[00:22:20] I

[00:22:20] could

[00:22:20] put

[00:22:20] this

[00:22:20] in

[00:22:21] general

[00:22:21] terms

[00:22:23] there

[00:22:24] is

[00:22:24] this

[00:22:25] inability

[00:22:26] to

[00:22:26] see

[00:22:27] beyond

[00:22:27] your

[00:22:28] own

[00:22:30] traumas

[00:22:30] and

[00:22:33] problems

[00:22:36] like

[00:22:36] my

[00:22:37] way

[00:22:38] of

[00:22:38] living

[00:22:38] is

[00:22:39] the

[00:22:39] only

[00:22:39] way

[00:22:40] of

[00:22:40] living

[00:22:41] and

[00:22:42] if

[00:22:42] you

[00:22:43] don't

[00:22:43] accept

[00:22:44] my

[00:22:44] way

[00:22:44] of

[00:22:45] living

[00:22:45] as

[00:22:45] your

[00:22:46] own

[00:22:46] you're

[00:22:47] dead

[00:22:47] to

[00:22:47] me

[00:22:48] that

[00:22:49] sort

[00:22:49] of

[00:22:49] way

[00:22:49] it's

[00:22:50] a

[00:22:50] fundamental

[00:22:51] fundamentalist

[00:22:52] thing

[00:22:53] to

[00:22:53] put on

[00:22:54] the

[00:22:54] world

[00:22:55] and

[00:22:55] I

[00:22:55] believe

[00:22:55] that

[00:22:56] the

[00:22:56] greatest

[00:22:58] harm

[00:22:58] is

[00:22:59] that

[00:22:59] this

[00:23:00] causes

[00:23:01] yourself

[00:23:01] because

[00:23:03] it's

[00:23:06] dangerous

[00:23:08] to put

[00:23:08] yourself

[00:23:09] in that

[00:23:09] cage

[00:23:10] I think

[00:23:10] the

[00:23:11] fundamentalist

[00:23:11] cage

[00:23:12] and

[00:23:15] that's

[00:23:15] the

[00:23:15] issues

[00:23:16] when

[00:23:16] meeting

[00:23:17] my

[00:23:18] brother

[00:23:18] who

[00:23:19] got

[00:23:19] away

[00:23:19] because

[00:23:20] he's

[00:23:22] he's

[00:23:23] not a

[00:23:24] religious

[00:23:24] fundamentalist

[00:23:25] or something

[00:23:25] like that

[00:23:26] he's

[00:23:27] although I

[00:23:27] think

[00:23:27] he's

[00:23:28] still

[00:23:29] catholic

[00:23:29] like my

[00:23:30] parents

[00:23:30] but I

[00:23:31] don't

[00:23:31] really

[00:23:31] know

[00:23:32] I

[00:23:33] think

[00:23:33] that

[00:23:33] comes

[00:23:34] and

[00:23:34] goes

[00:23:34] depending

[00:23:34] on

[00:23:35] the

[00:23:35] seasons

[00:23:35] and

[00:23:36] crisis

[00:23:37] currently

[00:23:38] plaguing

[00:23:39] him

[00:23:40] but

[00:23:41] it's

[00:23:46] yeah

[00:23:47] it's a

[00:23:47] very sad

[00:23:48] thing

[00:23:48] and maybe

[00:23:48] I

[00:23:48] shouldn't

[00:23:48] be

[00:23:49] talking

[00:23:49] about

[00:23:49] this

[00:23:49] in

[00:23:50] a

[00:23:50] podcast

[00:23:53] on

[00:23:54] the

[00:23:54] other

[00:23:54] hand

[00:23:55] I

[00:24:08] about

[00:24:09] someone

[00:24:09] in

[00:24:09] a

[00:24:09] novel

[00:24:10] or

[00:24:11] someone

[00:24:12] who

[00:24:13] moved

[00:24:13] across

[00:24:14] the

[00:24:15] world

[00:24:15] 20

[00:24:15] years

[00:24:16] ago

[00:24:16] and

[00:24:17] you

[00:24:17] keep

[00:24:17] writing

[00:24:17] to

[00:24:18] him

[00:24:18] but

[00:24:19] he's

[00:24:21] a

[00:24:21] stranger

[00:24:21] so

[00:24:25] anyway

[00:24:26] he

[00:24:26] doesn't

[00:24:26] want

[00:24:27] to

[00:24:27] meet

[00:24:27] us

[00:24:27] he

[00:24:27] doesn't

[00:24:28] want

[00:24:28] to

[00:24:41] siblings

[00:24:41] to

[00:24:42] be

[00:24:42] there

[00:24:43] and

[00:24:43] then

[00:24:44] that's

[00:24:45] the

[00:24:45] law

[00:24:45] you

[00:24:46] know

[00:24:47] they

[00:24:48] don't

[00:24:49] my

[00:24:50] parents

[00:24:50] just

[00:24:51] say

[00:24:52] okay

[00:24:52] because

[00:24:52] they

[00:24:52] love

[00:24:53] him

[00:24:53] and

[00:24:53] they

[00:24:53] want

[00:24:54] him

[00:24:54] to

[00:24:54] be

[00:24:54] there

[00:24:54] you

[00:24:55] know

[00:24:56] and

[00:24:57] so

[00:24:57] it's

[00:24:58] up

[00:24:58] to

[00:24:58] us

[00:24:58] the

[00:24:59] other

[00:24:59] siblings

[00:25:00] the

[00:25:00] other

[00:25:00] more

[00:25:01] adult

[00:25:01] siblings

[00:25:01] in a

[00:25:02] way

[00:25:02] to

[00:25:03] make

[00:25:04] the

[00:25:04] decisions

[00:25:04] and

[00:25:05] adjustments

[00:25:05] around

[00:25:06] that

[00:25:06] so

[00:25:07] this

[00:25:07] just

[00:25:08] happened

[00:25:08] when

[00:25:08] I

[00:25:08] pressed

[00:25:09] record

[00:25:11] and

[00:25:11] I

[00:25:12] decided

[00:25:12] that

[00:25:12] I

[00:25:12] will

[00:25:13] go

[00:25:13] there

[00:25:13] on

[00:25:13] Saturday

[00:25:13] instead

[00:25:14] and

[00:25:14] I

[00:25:15] will

[00:25:15] take

[00:25:15] my

[00:25:15] parents

[00:25:16] out

[00:25:16] for

[00:25:16] dinner

[00:25:17] and

[00:25:18] maybe

[00:25:19] my

[00:25:19] sister

[00:25:19] joins

[00:25:20] us

[00:25:20] but

[00:25:20] probably

[00:25:21] not

[00:25:21] because

[00:25:22] of her

[00:25:22] disease

[00:25:22] and

[00:25:23] it's

[00:25:23] late

[00:25:24] for

[00:25:24] her

[00:25:24] as

[00:25:24] well

[00:25:26] going

[00:25:26] to

[00:25:26] this

[00:25:27] town

[00:25:27] Falun

[00:25:27] where

[00:25:28] my

[00:25:28] parents

[00:25:28] live

[00:25:28] in

[00:25:29] the

[00:25:29] evening

[00:25:30] so

[00:25:30] maybe

[00:25:31] it's

[00:25:31] just

[00:25:31] me

[00:25:31] and

[00:25:31] them

[00:25:32] and

[00:25:33] I

[00:25:33] prefer

[00:25:34] it

[00:25:34] that

[00:25:35] way

[00:25:35] because

[00:25:35] it

[00:25:36] will

[00:25:36] be

[00:25:36] easier

[00:25:36] you

[00:25:37] know

[00:25:37] we

[00:25:37] can

[00:25:37] have

[00:25:37] a

[00:25:39] real

[00:25:39] conversation

[00:25:40] without

[00:25:41] being

[00:25:41] able

[00:25:41] without

[00:25:42] feeling

[00:25:44] the

[00:25:44] pressure

[00:25:44] of

[00:25:45] you

[00:25:45] know

[00:25:45] speaking

[00:25:46] in a

[00:25:46] certain

[00:25:47] way

[00:25:47] or

[00:25:49] taking

[00:25:49] different

[00:25:50] old

[00:25:51] old

[00:25:51] conflicts

[00:25:52] into

[00:25:52] account

[00:25:53] but

[00:25:57] it's

[00:25:58] it's

[00:26:00] nevertheless

[00:26:01] it's

[00:26:01] a

[00:26:01] it's

[00:26:03] I

[00:26:03] mourn

[00:26:03] this

[00:26:04] and

[00:26:05] I

[00:26:05] before

[00:26:06] I

[00:26:06] pushed

[00:26:07] pressed

[00:26:08] record

[00:26:08] I

[00:26:09] was

[00:26:09] really

[00:26:10] sad

[00:26:11] because

[00:26:14] I

[00:26:14] don't

[00:26:15] like

[00:26:15] it

[00:26:15] when

[00:26:15] things

[00:26:15] are

[00:26:16] when

[00:26:19] there

[00:26:19] is

[00:26:20] not

[00:26:20] closure

[00:26:21] you

[00:26:21] know

[00:26:21] when

[00:26:22] there

[00:26:22] are

[00:26:22] open

[00:26:23] wounds

[00:26:23] that

[00:26:24] I

[00:26:25] can't

[00:26:25] really

[00:26:27] heal

[00:26:27] because

[00:26:30] I'm

[00:26:30] not

[00:26:31] the

[00:26:31] one

[00:26:31] that

[00:26:31] needs

[00:26:32] healing

[00:26:32] and

[00:26:36] that

[00:26:36] makes

[00:26:36] me

[00:26:36] sad

[00:26:40] one

[00:26:41] of

[00:26:43] is

[00:26:44] to

[00:26:44] be

[00:26:45] the

[00:26:45] cause

[00:26:46] of

[00:26:46] someone's

[00:26:46] hurt

[00:26:47] and

[00:26:49] I

[00:26:50] know

[00:26:50] I'm

[00:26:50] not

[00:26:50] alone

[00:26:50] in

[00:26:51] this

[00:26:51] I

[00:26:51] know

[00:26:51] we

[00:26:52] have

[00:26:52] we

[00:26:52] are

[00:26:52] six

[00:26:53] siblings

[00:26:53] in

[00:26:54] this

[00:26:54] very

[00:26:55] particular

[00:26:57] dilemma

[00:26:59] but

[00:27:00] I'm

[00:27:00] I'm

[00:27:01] sad

[00:27:01] that

[00:27:01] I'm

[00:27:05] sad

[00:27:06] that

[00:27:06] there's

[00:27:06] this

[00:27:06] open

[00:27:07] wound

[00:27:07] and

[00:27:07] that

[00:27:08] I

[00:27:08] am

[00:27:09] at

[00:27:10] least

[00:27:10] in

[00:27:10] my

[00:27:10] lost

[00:27:11] brother's

[00:27:11] eyes

[00:27:14] the

[00:27:14] cause

[00:27:15] of

[00:27:15] his

[00:27:16] pain

[00:27:17] in a

[00:27:17] way

[00:27:18] I

[00:27:19] guess

[00:27:19] since

[00:27:20] he

[00:27:20] don't

[00:27:20] want

[00:27:20] to

[00:27:20] meet

[00:27:21] us

[00:27:22] and

[00:27:23] that

[00:27:26] scares

[00:27:26] me

[00:27:27] because

[00:27:27] I

[00:27:28] have

[00:27:28] I'm

[00:27:29] having

[00:27:29] trouble

[00:27:29] looking

[00:27:30] at

[00:27:31] myself

[00:27:31] as

[00:27:32] the

[00:27:32] villain

[00:27:35] that's

[00:27:36] one

[00:27:36] of

[00:27:36] my

[00:27:37] main

[00:27:37] fears

[00:27:39] I'm

[00:27:40] really

[00:27:40] scared

[00:27:40] of

[00:27:42] being

[00:27:43] the

[00:27:43] bad

[00:27:43] guy

[00:27:45] not

[00:27:46] so

[00:27:46] much

[00:27:47] like

[00:27:47] being

[00:27:47] the

[00:27:47] bad

[00:27:48] guy

[00:27:48] being

[00:27:48] too

[00:27:49] drunk

[00:27:49] on

[00:27:49] a

[00:27:49] party

[00:27:49] and

[00:27:50] saying

[00:27:51] something

[00:27:51] I

[00:27:52] regret

[00:27:52] the

[00:27:52] day

[00:27:53] after

[00:27:53] I

[00:28:39] being

[00:28:41] left

[00:28:41] being

[00:28:41] and

[00:28:42] again

[00:28:44] I'm

[00:28:44] theorizing

[00:28:44] here

[00:28:45] because

[00:28:45] I

[00:28:45] don't

[00:28:45] know

[00:28:46] we

[00:28:46] haven't

[00:28:47] talked

[00:28:47] to

[00:28:47] each

[00:28:48] other

[00:28:49] because

[00:28:50] we

[00:28:50] can't

[00:28:51] we

[00:28:51] can't

[00:28:51] talk

[00:28:51] to

[00:28:51] each

[00:28:52] other

[00:28:52] like

[00:28:52] that

[00:28:52] because

[00:28:53] whenever

[00:28:54] we

[00:28:54] speak

[00:28:55] he's

[00:28:55] all

[00:28:55] dogma

[00:28:58] he's

[00:28:59] all

[00:29:01] fundamentalist

[00:29:02] ideology

[00:29:03] and he's

[00:29:05] so stern

[00:29:06] in the way

[00:29:07] he watches

[00:29:08] and regards

[00:29:09] himself

[00:29:09] and other

[00:29:10] people

[00:29:11] there is

[00:29:12] very little

[00:29:13] room for

[00:29:13] mistakes

[00:29:15] and

[00:29:15] you know

[00:29:18] being lost

[00:29:18] he's always

[00:29:20] been very

[00:29:22] overly sure

[00:29:24] about

[00:29:25] stuff

[00:29:28] and

[00:29:30] that's

[00:29:32] sometimes

[00:29:33] it feels

[00:29:34] like

[00:29:34] I'm

[00:29:35] walking

[00:29:35] down

[00:29:36] the

[00:29:36] street

[00:29:36] or

[00:29:37] maybe

[00:29:37] a

[00:29:38] beach

[00:29:38] and

[00:29:39] in

[00:29:39] my

[00:29:39] pocket

[00:29:40] I

[00:29:40] have

[00:29:41] like

[00:29:41] a lot

[00:29:42] of

[00:29:42] sandbags

[00:29:43] small

[00:29:44] sandbags

[00:29:45] with

[00:29:45] not so

[00:29:47] much

[00:29:47] sand

[00:29:48] in them

[00:29:49] they

[00:29:49] are

[00:29:50] very

[00:29:50] soft

[00:29:51] and

[00:29:53] nice

[00:29:54] to play

[00:29:54] with

[00:29:54] in the

[00:29:55] palm

[00:29:55] of your

[00:29:56] hand

[00:29:57] you

[00:29:58] can

[00:29:58] like

[00:29:59] stress

[00:29:59] balls

[00:30:00] you

[00:30:00] know

[00:30:00] you

[00:30:01] just

[00:30:01] play

[00:30:02] with

[00:30:02] them

[00:30:02] in

[00:30:02] your

[00:30:03] pocket

[00:30:04] and

[00:30:05] then

[00:30:05] there's

[00:30:05] this

[00:30:05] one

[00:30:06] hard

[00:30:07] rock

[00:30:09] about

[00:30:10] the

[00:30:10] size

[00:30:10] of

[00:30:10] the

[00:30:11] other

[00:30:11] sandbags

[00:30:12] that

[00:30:13] is not

[00:30:13] so

[00:30:15] it's

[00:30:15] sharp

[00:30:16] and

[00:30:16] cold

[00:30:17] and

[00:30:18] maybe

[00:30:18] a bit

[00:30:19] dirty

[00:30:19] and

[00:30:19] it's

[00:30:19] in

[00:30:20] my

[00:30:20] pocket

[00:30:20] and

[00:30:20] I

[00:30:21] know

[00:30:21] that

[00:30:21] it's

[00:30:22] there

[00:30:22] but

[00:30:22] I

[00:30:22] keep

[00:30:23] playing

[00:30:23] with

[00:30:23] the

[00:30:23] other

[00:30:24] sandbags

[00:30:25] because

[00:30:25] they are

[00:30:25] easy

[00:30:26] and they're

[00:30:26] meant to

[00:30:26] be

[00:30:27] played

[00:30:27] with

[00:30:27] and

[00:30:27] handled

[00:30:28] but

[00:30:29] this

[00:30:29] hard

[00:30:30] rock

[00:30:31] this

[00:30:32] cold

[00:30:32] hard

[00:30:32] rock

[00:30:33] it's

[00:30:35] just

[00:30:35] there

[00:30:36] you know

[00:30:36] in my

[00:30:36] pocket

[00:30:37] and I

[00:30:37] keep

[00:30:39] bumping

[00:30:40] into it

[00:30:40] with my

[00:30:40] knuckles

[00:30:41] and my

[00:30:42] hands

[00:30:44] my

[00:30:44] I just

[00:30:45] put one

[00:30:46] hand in

[00:30:46] my pocket

[00:30:46] it would

[00:30:47] be weird

[00:30:48] if I put

[00:30:48] both hands

[00:30:49] in one

[00:30:50] pocket

[00:30:50] that would

[00:30:52] be really

[00:30:52] weird

[00:30:52] so I

[00:30:57] keep

[00:30:58] you know

[00:30:59] bumping

[00:31:00] into it

[00:31:00] into it

[00:31:01] in my

[00:31:01] mind

[00:31:05] and

[00:31:05] I

[00:31:07] really

[00:31:07] hate

[00:31:07] it

[00:31:07] that

[00:31:08] he's

[00:31:09] probably

[00:31:10] disappointed

[00:31:11] in me

[00:31:11] or angry

[00:31:12] with me

[00:31:14] and

[00:31:14] I

[00:31:17] well I

[00:31:17] think I

[00:31:18] know

[00:31:18] part of

[00:31:19] the reason

[00:31:20] but not

[00:31:21] the whole

[00:31:21] reason

[00:31:21] I think

[00:31:24] that

[00:31:26] maybe

[00:31:26] he's

[00:31:27] disappointed

[00:31:27] that I

[00:31:28] didn't

[00:31:28] reach out

[00:31:29] and help

[00:31:29] him during

[00:31:30] something

[00:31:30] that happened

[00:31:31] recently

[00:31:32] and I'm

[00:31:32] not going

[00:31:33] to get

[00:31:33] into it

[00:31:34] because it

[00:31:34] becomes too

[00:31:35] personal

[00:31:36] it becomes

[00:31:37] too private

[00:31:39] but he

[00:31:39] suddenly asked

[00:31:40] all of our

[00:31:41] siblings for

[00:31:42] help

[00:31:42] regarding one

[00:31:43] specific issue

[00:31:45] and by that

[00:31:47] time we

[00:31:47] hadn't heard

[00:31:48] from him

[00:31:48] for years

[00:31:49] and then all

[00:31:50] of a sudden

[00:31:50] he just

[00:31:52] reached out

[00:31:53] in this

[00:31:56] very weird

[00:31:57] way

[00:31:58] almost

[00:31:59] ordering us

[00:32:00] to step

[00:32:01] up and

[00:32:02] and

[00:32:04] give him

[00:32:05] very

[00:32:06] personal

[00:32:07] information

[00:32:08] about

[00:32:08] himself

[00:32:09] in order

[00:32:09] for him

[00:32:10] to perform

[00:32:11] a certain

[00:32:11] task that

[00:32:12] needed to

[00:32:12] be done

[00:32:13] and

[00:32:15] neither of

[00:32:16] us wanted

[00:32:16] to do

[00:32:16] that we

[00:32:17] didn't want

[00:32:17] to give

[00:32:18] him that

[00:32:19] very personal

[00:32:20] information

[00:32:21] without

[00:32:22] even knowing

[00:32:23] really what

[00:32:24] he was going

[00:32:24] to do

[00:32:24] with it

[00:32:25] and

[00:32:26] it was

[00:32:29] yeah

[00:32:29] also since

[00:32:31] we hadn't

[00:32:32] spoke to

[00:32:33] him in

[00:32:33] like

[00:32:35] well maybe

[00:32:35] five years

[00:32:36] or something

[00:32:38] so it's

[00:32:39] an annoying

[00:32:40] trait

[00:32:41] you know

[00:32:41] that

[00:32:42] to just

[00:32:44] be silent

[00:32:45] for years

[00:32:46] and then all

[00:32:46] of a sudden

[00:32:47] just say

[00:32:47] hey help

[00:32:48] me with

[00:32:49] this

[00:32:49] you know

[00:32:51] and so

[00:32:51] no one

[00:32:52] not any

[00:32:53] of us

[00:32:54] wanted to

[00:32:54] help

[00:32:54] and I guess

[00:32:55] that's the

[00:32:56] latest

[00:32:57] thing that

[00:32:57] makes him

[00:32:58] angry with

[00:32:59] us

[00:32:59] but it's

[00:33:00] so many

[00:33:00] other stuff

[00:33:01] as well

[00:33:05] he's

[00:33:05] like

[00:33:07] untouchable

[00:33:08] I can't

[00:33:09] reach him

[00:33:10] and I don't

[00:33:11] think I ever

[00:33:11] will

[00:33:11] and at some

[00:33:13] point

[00:33:13] you know

[00:33:14] you just

[00:33:16] give in

[00:33:17] to that

[00:33:18] you just

[00:33:18] say

[00:33:19] oh okay

[00:33:20] it's

[00:33:20] it is what

[00:33:22] it is

[00:33:22] you know

[00:33:22] what happens

[00:33:23] happens

[00:33:23] I have told

[00:33:25] him that

[00:33:25] I love

[00:33:26] him

[00:33:26] I don't

[00:33:27] remember

[00:33:27] how many

[00:33:27] times

[00:33:28] over the

[00:33:29] years

[00:33:30] I have

[00:33:31] told him

[00:33:31] that I'm

[00:33:32] here for

[00:33:32] him

[00:33:32] but not

[00:33:36] at any

[00:33:37] price

[00:33:38] not

[00:33:39] under

[00:33:40] just

[00:33:40] any

[00:33:40] circumstances

[00:33:41] I need

[00:33:43] something

[00:33:43] you know

[00:33:44] I need

[00:33:45] like

[00:33:47] the feeling

[00:33:48] that he

[00:33:49] acknowledges

[00:33:49] me as a

[00:33:50] person

[00:33:51] that's

[00:33:51] not just

[00:33:53] obligated

[00:33:54] to

[00:33:54] to just

[00:33:55] be there

[00:33:56] no questions

[00:33:57] asked

[00:33:57] just because

[00:33:58] we have

[00:33:59] the same

[00:33:59] blood

[00:34:00] that's

[00:34:01] not

[00:34:01] the way

[00:34:02] it works

[00:34:02] I think

[00:34:03] and I

[00:34:08] watch

[00:34:08] people

[00:34:09] around me

[00:34:10] people with

[00:34:11] great

[00:34:11] relationships

[00:34:12] with their

[00:34:12] siblings

[00:34:13] and I

[00:34:15] although I

[00:34:16] have like

[00:34:18] great

[00:34:19] relationships

[00:34:19] with almost

[00:34:20] all of my

[00:34:21] siblings

[00:34:21] but it's

[00:34:23] still

[00:34:23] we are

[00:34:25] in a way

[00:34:25] six very

[00:34:27] different

[00:34:28] people with

[00:34:28] very different

[00:34:29] lives and

[00:34:30] there's not

[00:34:31] many bridges

[00:34:32] connecting us

[00:34:33] anymore

[00:34:33] since our

[00:34:35] parents became

[00:34:36] old and

[00:34:38] ill

[00:34:39] you know

[00:34:40] it's

[00:34:41] and I

[00:34:43] I fear

[00:34:44] the day

[00:34:45] that when

[00:34:45] they're gone

[00:34:46] our parents

[00:34:47] are gone

[00:34:47] what will

[00:34:48] happen then

[00:34:48] with our

[00:34:49] connection

[00:34:50] will it

[00:34:51] be strengthened

[00:34:52] or will it

[00:34:53] just fade

[00:34:54] away

[00:34:55] like ash

[00:34:56] in the

[00:34:57] wind

[00:34:57] stuff

[00:35:03] never

[00:35:04] last

[00:35:04] you know

[00:35:05] and that's

[00:35:06] a sad

[00:35:06] thing

[00:35:07] and it's

[00:35:08] a hopeful

[00:35:08] thing

[00:35:09] and it's

[00:35:09] a good

[00:35:09] thing

[00:35:11] nothing

[00:35:12] lasts

[00:35:12] forever

[00:35:15] and of

[00:35:16] course

[00:35:16] you can

[00:35:16] romanticize

[00:35:17] that

[00:35:17] you can

[00:35:18] say that

[00:35:21] losing

[00:35:21] something

[00:35:22] gives you

[00:35:22] something

[00:35:23] else

[00:35:23] and

[00:35:23] you know

[00:35:25] all things

[00:35:26] must end

[00:35:27] in order for

[00:35:27] other things

[00:35:28] to start

[00:35:29] but I

[00:35:31] mean

[00:35:31] honestly

[00:35:32] sleepy

[00:35:34] it's

[00:35:37] it sucks

[00:35:38] doesn't it

[00:35:39] that stuff