The Dignity of Doubt

[00:00:00] Hi Sleepy, just a very quick note before we start today's episode. Do you want to listen to this podcast without the ads? Then you absolutely can. Just subscribe to Fall asleep with Henrik plus and to do so you can just click the link in the podcast description and it'll be fixed. See you there.

[00:00:24] Hi and welcome to Fall asleep with Henrik. I am that very one Henrik and you are sleepy and it is what it is. What happens happens and right now there is nothing we can do about so much of it.

[00:00:50] So let's begin. Well hello there sleepy. It's me again your weird swede. I am actually your own very own weird little swede that you can carry around in your digital device and just take out whenever you need.

[00:01:13] I am here and I am at your service. So just let me be your busy mind for a while. I'm going to think about all the stuff that you normally think of when you're there in your bed and you can't go to sleep. So without further ado, here we go.

[00:01:40] Action. Ready. Quiet on set. Camera rolling. And action. Except there is no action. I'm just here. And the action is this. I'm in this swirl of colors at the moment.

[00:02:10] Well, they are not drug induced. I haven't filled my belly with different types of mushroom. Although I guess that would be fun content. No, I don't use any drugs at all. As a matter of fact, I am drugless. And don't get me wrong. I really like drugs. I am.

[00:02:39] Well, okay. So don't get me wrong now. I am against drugs. For my own sake. Because I am the type of person that really don't handle drugs very well. But as a phenomena. As a thing on planet Earth. I think that, I mean, as an idea.

[00:03:09] Drugs is a fantastic thing, you know. And I'm talking about mind-altering drugs. And I know that you can't say that they are all the same. Because there are so many different types of ways to influence the mind. And I'm not in any way saying that you should go out and do a bunch of drugs. I'm actually saying the opposite, I think.

[00:03:37] Because, and I was going to come to this. There are stuff in the world that interferes with all the positive things that drugs make and do. And that stuff, we shouldn't take easy on that. We should tread very lightly. That is why I don't do drugs anymore. Because I, well, let me just say that I really like the benefits.

[00:04:05] And I really dreaded the downsides. And the downsides are plentiful, my friend. So, I mean, one of my life goals is actually to find that sort of... Alcohol used to give me this warm, fuzzy, homecoming feeling. And I'm looking for that again. But without the drugs.

[00:04:35] And that's harder, I guess. But also so much more rewarding, because it doesn't come with any downsides. But the jury's out on whether or not I will succeed in my quest to find that sort of homecoming feeling. Ever again in my sober life. Now this sounds very bad. Bad.

[00:05:06] I haven't really been that of... I wasn't an addict. I wasn't a... But I think that I might have developed into one given time. And I felt that my life is... There are so many things that I want to discover. And I discovered... And maybe that's a good thing.

[00:05:35] One of the first things that I discovered on this quest to discover a bunch of stuff is that I tend to discover less under the influence. It doesn't feel that way. It feels like I'm flying, you know? And I'm not alone in that sense. I know that. But... The opposite is true.

[00:06:00] If you want to check if this is real, you can just stay sober one night and hang out with people you normally hang out with drunk. And you listen to what they talk about. It's not new stuff, you know? Especially when you hit a certain age. It's like same old, same old.

[00:06:24] And I got this feeling of almost panic, you know? It's like I'm stuck in this ever rotating wheel of same, same, same, same. New day, same brain ghosts, you know? So I quit.

[00:06:52] And it was actually kind of easy. I thought that it would be hard. But it wasn't. It was... Well, it was hard in the beginning because I was afraid. I was petrified. Kept thinking I could never live without alcohol by my side. But then I spent so many nights thinking how it did me wrong. And I grew strong. And I learned how to get along.

[00:07:17] And sometimes it comes back telling me you should really... You would really benefit from, you know? Having a bender, you know? Do I use the phrase, you know, too often in this podcast? I've thought about that during the recent weeks. That I say, whenever I speak English, I say, you know? No.

[00:07:49] But, you know, I don't know if you know. You know? I can't really tell because this is recorded way in advance. And I don't even know if you even exist. Don't get me wrong. I know that you exist because you can't hear this unless you exist. But right now, you are not aware that I'm recording this episode.

[00:08:19] You don't know. This is recorded, like, way in advance. And right now, I can't really be sure whether or not you exist. You probably do, though. Because, as I said, if you're listening to this, then you have to exist.

[00:08:44] Can something that exists, can something that's non-existent listen to a podcast? Well, maybe that's what Spotify refers to as a bot download. God.

[00:09:09] I'm on my back right now, so I don't really function very well lying on my back. Even though it's better than laying on my stomach. That would be a weird podcast. If you just heard my mumbling in the pillow.

[00:09:36] Or maybe I should do a podcast from, you know, that sort of table that you lay on when you are getting a massage. With a little hole for your face to go in. I could just put a microphone beneath that hole and just speak.

[00:10:05] So today is a weird day. I am in a weird mode. I think I'm a bit bored. I would really benefit from, you know, skydiving or something. I've never done that. Have you sleepy? Skydiving. Been skydiving. I was. I've been. I've been.

[00:10:35] All of my life I've been terrified of. Like. What do you call it? At a. At an amusement park with the rides. You know. The merry-go-rounds. The rides. The roller coasters. I've been. I've always said to. Friends and family that. I'm going to sit this one out. I'm going to have an ice cream and I'm going to watch you guys do this. But then something happened.

[00:11:06] Like. In. In. The summer of 2017. Or maybe 2015. I don't really remember. 15. 16. 17. Around there. My daughter was. At that age when. She's old enough to. Want to be. Trying out stuff. Rides. For instance. But. At the same time she was.

[00:11:36] Too young to really be doing it alone. So. And whenever. Nina. Her mother wasn't around. It was really up to me to just. You know. Be with her. Through all that. And. She. She. Couldn't. Really. Accept that I. Told her that. I don't like. Rides. You know. And. I couldn't really just. Sit stuff. Out.

[00:12:06] So I needed to go with her on rides. And I mean. My whole life. I remember. When I was like 10 or something. I. Went on this ride then. It was like. This train that. Went. In a circle. Kind of a narrow circle. So it wasn't a regular. Roller coaster. It was more of a. Carousel. And. It just went round and round.

[00:12:36] And up and down. Very fast. And then it stopped. And it. Did the same thing. But backwards. And. I remember doing that. And. In the middle of it. I. Just knew. That this. Wasn't. Possible. I needed to get off this thing. Because I was gonna die. You know. And. I. But I couldn't. Nobody cared. You can't just stop. A carousel. Mid ride.

[00:13:06] So I. I remember screaming. Like. Out into the void of my horror. Please. Just make this stop. And. But of course it didn't. Until it did. And then. Something in me. Changed. So from that day. I have. You know. Constantly been refusing. Rides.

[00:13:35] Until. The summer of. 2017. Or something. So the first. Roller coaster that I. Went. To. That I. That I. Got on. With my daughter. Was this. Small. Roller coaster. Called. Candy train. At this. Zoo. In Sweden. And.

[00:14:05] It's a very small. Roller coaster. But it's. It's got. It's upside downs. Ups and downs. And. Swirls and twirls. And twists. And turns. And. I actually. Shot a video of myself. Using my iPhone. And. And I got yelled at. By the teenager who. Who run. Ran the. Roller coaster afterwards. Because that's. That was. Clearly prohibited. But.

[00:14:35] I'm really glad. I took that video of me. Because I look like. My daughter is next to me. And she. She's having the time of her life. You know. And. And I'm so. I'm really. A sad. Pitiful. Excuse. For a person. Really. A human being. Imagine. Humanity. You know. Top of the food change. Not the food change. The food chain.

[00:15:04] Top of the food chain. We have conquered so much. We. Have. Been. Everywhere. We've. We've done. So much. We are. Truly. Like. The rulers. Of so much. And we've. Fought our own insecurities. And. And our own. Knowledge gaps. We've tried to.

[00:15:34] Bridge them. You know. And we've. Succeeded. So many times. But still. Looking at me. At that. Kids. Rollercoaster. Yeah. It's. It's sort of. Pitiful. And I'm not saying that. To bash on myself. Because I really like myself. I think. But. It's. Sad. And I'm thinking about. People who.

[00:16:04] Conquered the. You know. People who. Conquered the. Mount Everest. Or. People who. Skydive. You know. For real. And here I am. Scared. Shitless. In this little. Candy train. But. That was the starting point. And ever since. I. I can't say that I. Enjoy.

[00:16:35] Like. Carousels. And merry-go-rounds. And. I mean. Rollercoasters. That much. I still can't. Go. On rides. That are. Repeatedly. Circling. Swirling. Or twirling. I. I have this phobia. Of. Getting dizzy. And that never seems to settle. I really. Think it's. It's really hard for me. To be dizzy.

[00:17:06] I get scared. Something else. Takes control. But. I really like. Having done it. Something. Like an outer shell. Are being ripped. Away. And it's so nice. It's like. You know. The crust of a. Of a wound. Like that. Just lets go. You know. And you feel free. Or. That you have.

[00:17:35] Like wax. In your. Ear canal. And that suddenly. Gets. You get it out. You can hear freely. That's what it feels like for me. When I've. Been. On one of these rides. So we have a lot of rides. Here in Stockholm. Where I live. And every summer I go. With my daughter. Yeah. My. Whole family. And we are. I mean. Most of them.

[00:18:06] Most of the people. That my family. Consists of. Truly. Roller coaster. Pros. And. I can't compete with them. Really. I'm still. Scared. But I do it. You know. I sit on them. I do it. And it. Gives me. Some sort of a. Twisted pleasure. Because I'm still. Very scared.

[00:18:35] It's just that. Whenever I've done it. I feel. Free. And. Light. It's almost like. I'm waking up. In a way. And I can't help thinking. About. The fact that. It's almost like. And I'm not. Think. I don't think. I'm alone. With this. It's just. I think that we. Tend to bury. Ourselves.

[00:19:06] Layers of. Dust. You know. Convenience. The dust. Of convenience. And. I. It's not. Every day. But. A few times. Every month. I get fed up. With all the dust. You know. That. Just. Covers me. As an adult.

[00:19:36] How easy it is. To just lay around. Mentally. I mean. Lay around. And. Allowing yourself. To be covered. With this dust. Of convenience. And. It's nice. In a way. To be. Totally still. Under all that dust. Because it's. Soft. And warm. The dust. Trust. But. Give it time. And it will start to just.

[00:20:06] Sink into you. As a person. It will. Pour in. Through your pores. And. You will. Have it in your nose. In your mouth. Nose. In your nose. In your mouth. In your. Eyes. Everywhere. And then it starts to become a problem. But then again. Many people. Don't ever move.

[00:20:36] And are slowly being. Totally buried by. That dust. So for me. Carousels. Are a way. To break free from the dust. From time to time. And also. What more do I do? God. What more do I do? Yeah. Like. Exercise. My mind.

[00:21:07] No. Exercise my body. But exercise it. To a degree. That it almost feels like. It's my mind. That I'm. You know. Trying to rip out of my body. Have you ever. Been so exhausted. Physically. That it feels like. The. The exercise itself. Isn't. Isn't. Isn't. About. About. Your body anymore. It's about. Your psyche. It's about.

[00:21:37] It's like. When you're running on a. On a. On a thread. When you're on a. A treadmill. Or. Yeah. If you're running. Or. Jumping. Skipping rope. Or anything. Rowing. And. You just feel that. This isn't. This is. Bigger than my body. And then. Every. Thought. Every. Impulse. Every. Emotion. Becomes.

[00:22:08] Like a weight. That you. You. Need to lift. Carry. Throw. When I'm running. You know. On a. Such an. Okay. Okay. So today. My English. Is. And I'm sorry. But then again. I can't do anything about it. Right now. This is what it is. This episode. Is going out.

[00:22:38] Whether or not. I like my English. In this one. And. At the same time. It. It don't matter. Because. Maybe you don't even hear me. Right now. And that's fine. I mean. That's. That's the point. So I don't know. Really. What I do. Yeah. Yeah. Exercise. So. When I'm running. On. On.

[00:23:08] A machine. Where you run. What do you call it? It's a track. It's an inside track. Where you run. And there. There's this track. Moving under your feet. What do you call it? It's not a treadmill. A treadmill. Is something. Totally different. Anyway. A running machine. And I'm not referring to. One. One. One or two. Of the famous. Athletes. There are.

[00:23:38] Quote on quote. Running machines. I mean. The actual machine. That you run upon. Anyway. Whenever I do that. Or run outside. As well. Whenever I do that. And I get tired. I can. Get to a point. When I'm so tired. That. Every thought. That I get. That. Actually. Feels like it's. Like it has. Like it has. A weight. You know.

[00:24:07] A physical weight. On my brain. In my mind. And that. Also. I realized. Can give me that sense of. Total freedom. And maybe. That is the closest thing. I've ever gotten. To experience that. Warm. Fuzzy. Homecoming feeling. That. That. I remember. Alcohol. Used to give me.

[00:24:37] Whenever I. Exercised. My brains out. And I think. It's a good thing to do. And you don't need to do it. Like. An elite. Like an athlete. You know. You can. I mean. Whatever your. Form. Your shape are. You can do it. Like. You can walk up the stairs. Once. If that is what it takes. For you to. Feel exhausted. Then that's.

[00:25:06] What you do. You don't need to force yourself. To do stuff that you. You can't do. I mean. I can't run a marathon. So. Why would I try. I mean. Like. From. Zero. To a marathon. If you want to run a marathon. You need to start out slow. And. Shorter distances. And. Be realistic. You know. The same goes with every. Any type of exercise.

[00:25:36] And when I realized that. That it wasn't. Any more about. Me being like. All the other. Totally cool. Slim. Lean. Exercise machines. That I knew. And were inspired by. Then I could find. Joy in. Working out. And.

[00:26:06] Running. I really like to run. I like to run fast. But I don't have the. I don't have the stamina. To do that. For a long time. I. Did this DNA test. At one point in my life. And I tested my muscle fibers. And. I have. What do you call it? It's. There are short. I have short.

[00:26:36] Muscle fibers. Which means. I am. Naturally built. For. Bodybuilding. And sprinting. None of. Which I am. Good at. I am not. A marathon. Runner. I am. I don't have. Very much. Stamina. Is that the word? I don't endure. For too long. I am. Explosive. So.

[00:27:06] I. Can lift something. Really heavy. Once. I can. Run very fast. For a short period. Of time. And that's actually. Something I grew up with. Knowing. That I can be really fast. For a few seconds. I can burn. My. Whole stash. Of. Upbuilt energy. In a few seconds. And I remember. When I applied. To acting school.

[00:27:36] In Gothenburg. In 1995. We were. A bunch of. People who. Well. There are. Four. Tests. That you need to pass. In order to be accepted. To acting school. And. This is like. University. Education. In acting. In Gothenburg. Sweden.

[00:28:07] And. So. This. Test. Consists of. Four different. Tests. And if you. Go through one. You can. Move on to the next. And so on. And so on. So in the beginning. We were like. 1200 people. And. At the end. There were just 10 people. Or maybe the last. Test. I think. Maybe we were. 14. Or. 15 people. And we knew that. Eight.

[00:28:37] Or ten people. Would get in. So. It's a massive. Selection process. Spread out over months. And it's a very nerve-wracking process. And of course. Everyone who applies. Really wants to get in. And the further ahead you get. In the line of tests. The more you want to get in. And the bigger the fall. You know. Should you not succeed. So this was. Before. The results.

[00:29:07] I had. Together with. The other. Like 15 people. We had. Done the final test. We've been living and. Working together for a week. With a third and a fourth test. And. It was very practical. You know. Acting. Tests. So it weren't like. We were sitting at desks. It was. Improvisation. And singing.

[00:29:37] And dancing. And. You know. Acting stuff. And. So we. We really had. The time to get to know one another. And. After we. Finished the final. Exam. The final test. We went out in. Gothenburg. And it was. Summer. Early summer. In 1990. 1994. Was it? Yeah.

[00:30:06] Because I got in. In 1990. Yeah. Maybe. Or maybe. Early 1995. And. Yeah. Yeah. So we went to this big park. And. There was this. Great lawn. With grass. Flat ground. Dense. Thick. Grass. And.

[00:30:37] No one had. An iPhone. Or anything. Do you remember that time. When. You went to a park. And people just sat. And they had. Guitars. And. Books. And. They were just. Sitting and staring at each other. Don't get me wrong. I'm. I'm not. Going to glorify that time. Because. It was a mess. To be a person. Back. Back then too.

[00:31:08] But. It's weird today. To think about a park. With hundreds of people. Scattered. All over the grass. And. None. None of them have. Any electronic device. To listen to stuff. Well maybe. Some of them had. Like. Walkmans. Or something. And. At that time. Of course. CD Walkmans. Was a thing. And. Maybe even. Like. Digital files.

[00:31:38] Like. I don't know. I don't remember. The iPod. Wasn't. A thing yet. Yeah. Anyway. So. It was me. And a bunch of. Other guys. And we had. Been. Eating together. And now we sat. On that. Grassy field. And we were so nervous. Because we knew that. Maybe the results will. Be up. Later today. Or maybe. Tonight. Or. We didn't know.

[00:32:08] We just knew that. Now it's up to. To the jury. And they are right now. Talking about. Which one to admit. And. So we were really nervous. And. We talked like. This. Sort of scattered. Nervous talk that. You do. When you're nervous. It's almost. When you. When you speak. When you speak. And.

[00:32:38] You're nervous. Then it's like. You're sitting on. A fluffy cloud. Speaking. But the cloud is not. Just. You know. I think. I'm misleading you. When I'm. Calling it. Referring to it. As fluffy. Because it's not fluffy. It's ice cold. And. Invisible. You know. Almost. Just. Pure air. But. It's mist. You know. And you're right.

[00:33:08] That pure. Ice cold mist. And you're being. Taken higher. And higher. And higher. And it goes really fast. And it's not comfortable. And. You never know. Where it's gonna. Where it's gonna end. Or what it's gonna lead to. And that's. Like the. And that's reflected in your voice. Because. The voice suddenly gets. Like. Very light. And. Filled with air. It's like. Almost your whole being.

[00:33:37] Are being filled with. Air. Cold. Unconvenience. And air. And. I. I don't remember. What we were talking about. We had one guy. In our team. In our. In our group. And he. Well. He was talking about. All the ladies. He went. Who was going to conquer. When he got in. Later.

[00:34:08] He had this. Casanova. Macho man. Thing. Going on. And. The rest of us. Really. Didn't really. Relate to him. Because he was so. Self. He was so sure of himself. That he was going to. Get in. And. When. When he. And he. He. He kept talking about. How many people he would. How many women. Girls. He would.

[00:34:37] Yeah. Conquer. If he. Would to be. When. He were. Admitted. And. I don't remember. Any of us. Saying anything. Like. Yeah. Totally. Or anything. I just remember. This ice cold. And. Tingling. Feeling. Of no one really knows. What this is about. We don't know. This is. Now our biggest dream. In the universe.

[00:35:08] And. The tragedy. Of not being admitted. I mean. So. We didn't have any points. We didn't say. Anything. In regards of. What are you talking about? Why. Why is it. So important for you. To get laid. Or why do you put. The two in relation. You know. If you. If you get into acting school. Why. Does that. Automatically.

[00:35:37] Lead to getting laid. I don't really get it. Can't you just. Carry your dream. Within you. And. Carry it with a bit of dignity. You know. But he didn't. And anyway. The rest of us. Just spoke very. The. The. The talks were. Fragmented. And we all. Just. We were just thinking about. The results.

[00:36:06] The results. The results. And then I ran. I stood up. I was barefoot. I had. Taken my shoes off. In the grass. And I. Stood up. And I just ran. This huge. Circle. Around my group. And. It just happened. I couldn't. Really. Tell whether or not. I. Decided to do it. It's just. My body just. Did it. Because. I was so nervous.

[00:36:36] So my body just started to run. And. I was 19 years old. And I remember being. Shocked. By the speed. Indeed. Because I. I had been. Sitting. Like. Totally. Still. In the grass. And then. I was just. Running. Like. Like the wind. And. The wind. Indeed.

[00:37:07] Just. Rushed. Past me. Like I was in a tunnel. Or something. And. I. I heard. My group. They were just. Yeah. They were sharing. Because they got so. Filled with the fact that I was running. Because it. It's. As if. As if I gave. Their own feelings. An expression. So no one got up and ran with me. And.

[00:37:38] The guy who was going to. Sleep with. All these. Women. If he got admitted. I'm sorry. If I say. Got admitted. I mean. Can you even say that? I mean. Got admitted. Isn't that. That. You're admitted to. A. An asylum. For the insane. You know. Well. When it comes to acting school. That's sort of the same thing.

[00:38:08] But that's a whole different story. Anyway. So. Then I just sat down on the grass again. And I remember. One of the guys in my group. Just. He had tears in his eyes. And he was like. That was so beautiful. You just. Did what. You just manifested our feelings. In that. Single. Motion. And ever since then. When. I've known. That I am.

[00:38:37] Explosively fast. But not for very long. I burn out quickly. But then again. I can. Manifest. All of my strength. In one second. And I mean. That's good too. Right? But. Don't count on me. If it's. About a marathon. Something where you. You're supposed to. Release your energy. In small bursts.

[00:39:07] Over a long period of time. And then we went back to. The room. That we. Sat and waited in. Back in. The school. And we waited. Until midnight. And. Then there was this. It was almost like. We were into this. We were entering this funnel. You know.

[00:39:39] Well. It's an image now. But it. It's like. If you were. Entering this funnel. And. The world around you. Gets more. Even more narrow. That it was like. The night. Was a funnel. And that some of us. Weren't ever going to reach. The bottom of the funnel. And. It was exhausting. But still very exciting. And I still remember it. And I mean. This is. Yeah.

[00:40:09] This is. 30 years ago. So I. Like. There was this. Older. Student. She was already a student there. She came and she told us that. Now the list is up. And the list was. Everybody knew that. Yeah. The names of the people who. Who got in. And. People started crying and.

[00:40:39] Yelling and singing. And some people just ran. Towards the list. And other people. Hugged and cried. And didn't dare to go and see. And I. I've never felt so. Like in a dream. You have to. Remember that. These tests had been taken. Like. Yeah. Over a course of several months.

[00:41:09] You know. You've been preparing. And. This. Final two tests were. Taking place over a whole week. Where you lived and worked together. Together. So. It was. I mean. The thought of not getting admitted. At this point. That's just. Pure torture. No. Not just torture. It's. It's like dying. You know. So. When faced with that. I just.

[00:41:39] Froze. And I walked. Very slowly. And I didn't want anyone around. I didn't want anyone to share the moment with. Whether or not it was a good. Or a bad. Truth. That was going to face me back. Over there. So. I remember. It was. It was midnight. And it was dark in the school. Then I went out into this great hallway. With windows on the left. And the. Classrooms and lockers on the right. And I just. Walked on the tiled floor.

[00:42:10] And. There were people. At this. Post. Post. Further down the corridor. And some of them were crying. Screaming. No. No. And. A few of them. You know. Hugged. And. Yeah. We did it. Yeah. We did it. And then. It was empty. There was this one girl. In front of me. And.

[00:42:41] When I. Got close to the. List. She was already there. And she was reading it. And then she just. Collapsed on the floor. And she said. No. I. I became a spare. No. No. Because. I mean. Being a spare. It's like. You're not getting in. Because. Who would turn down. This position. And then I thought. Because she was such a. Yeah. I. Thought of her as. So good.

[00:43:11] And I thought. Okay. So now I'm. Screwed. If she doesn't get admitted. Then I certainly. Won't be. And I. Went up to the list. And by that. By now. No one was. Around. And I read the list. And I saw my name. And I read the list again. And I saw my name again. And then. I thought that. Okay. So. My name here. Must really indicate. That I am. Actually.

[00:43:41] Admitted. And. Then I thought. That I can't just. Stand here. And read the list. Over and over again. I need to. Go. So I just. Went. Away. Without being sure. Of. Did I see. My name there. Or. Was it just. Wishful thinking. So. I still wasn't sure. But then I met. One of the students. From the. From. Yeah.

[00:44:11] She was already. Already there. And. She said. Congratulations. To me. And then I realized. Okay. So it's true. I got in. And. All of us. In that group. From that grass. We got in. Except. The guy. Who was going to sleep with. Every woman in the world.

[00:44:40] In case he got. In. And maybe that's a good thing. For the women of the world. I don't want to take away. I mean. His potential. Greatness or anything. And. I think. Things turned out fine. For him as well. But. It's. It was very. Well. It's. It's. Suiting. In a way. You know. That. Someone who is so. Totally sure of. Of.

[00:45:10] One particular outcome. Gets proven wrong. I remember from. A very young age. Thinking. That. You should never be sure. About. Anything. You can be sure. About stuff. But keep it to yourself. Or. If you're going to say something. That you're sure of. Keep.

[00:45:39] Like this. Room. Of. Humility. Behind your statement. So that you don't just. I mean. People. I have a very hard time. Grasping. This phenomena. That. If you're an athlete. Or you're. You're a boxer. Or whatever. And. During the weigh-in. In boxing. You're supposed to stand there. And you're supposed to. Diss the other.

[00:46:09] Contender. And. You're supposed to be. So sure of yourself. I'm the best. You're supposed to say. You're weak. You're small. It's almost the same. In politics. I think. Well. Not everywhere in the world. But. In many places. There. It's like. This game of. Telling. The audience. That. I am. The smartest man. Alive.

[00:46:40] And. I don't have. Any flaws. And. My opponents. Are. Pigs. And. Lesser beings. You know. I just don't get it. Who buys that. Who buys into that narrative. What's it for. I mean. Are we really. As a. If I'm. If I'm going to talk. About humanity. In general. Are we really. So stupid.

[00:47:10] That we. Fall into these. Traps of. Stone age. Narratives. Where. One strong man. Will lead us. You know. So when he. This guy. Told us. About his. Upcoming. Erotic. Endeavors. When he. Just. Wulfed into. Acting school. With no effort. It's almost. Immediately.

[00:47:40] A truth. That. It will go to hell. For him. You know. I just. I don't get this. Obsession. With security. What. What. Are. The. Benefits. Of being. So. Obviously. Sure. Of yourself. I mean. It's not. It's not. About. Not having. Self-confidence. I mean.

[00:48:09] I think I. Have. A certain amount. Of self-confidence. But it's. It's like. Why can't we just. Admit. That we don't really. Know anything. What's the downside. Of that. I would. I would vote. For a politician. Who. Gave me the impression. That. That. They are. Open-minded.

[00:48:39] Honest. Humble. Person. I don't know. Why we. Why we keep. Placing our votes. On people. That tell us. That they know everything. And that they got everything. Under control. I just don't get it. Why is that something. That we find appealing. Because we know. We all know. That no one. Knows. It all. No one.

[00:49:09] Has total control. And if they say they do. They probably don't have. Any control. You know. How do you prove to someone. That you're worthy. Of their trust. Well. My instinct. Says. That you can't really. Prove that. Especially not. By saying. That you.

[00:49:38] You are the best. In the world. And that you have everything. Under control. And that you've never made a mistake. In your life. And that you know. Totally everything. About what's going to happen. And happen. And be. I think it's such a. Religiously. Dumb. Idea. Like. It's almost like a religion. It's like we believe in. Some sort of false. Perfection.

[00:50:08] That's not. Real. And I find it. Unsexy as well. If I may say so. It's very unsexy. With a person. Whom. People say. Or. They say it by. Of themselves. That they know everything. And have all the answers. I mean. It's just. Look. To your. Own. Set of friends.

[00:50:38] And. Acquaintances. Don't you just hate that guy. Who just. Never. Really. Really. Act surprised. I know. He says. Yeah. I know. That's because of. Blah. Blah. Blah. Yeah. It's. It's not that hard to. Understand. He says. Talking about nuclear physics. It's. I mean. It's. So dumb.

[00:51:09] So why. Why. Why do we look for these. Qualities. In our leaders. I mean. Our leaders. Would be. The worst. People. To carry these traits of. Illusions of grandeur. You know. I've been talking about this before. In fall asleep with Henrik. And I can see.

[00:51:39] A function. In another time. When the world was. Was smaller. But still. It was bigger. In a way. There was so many unknowns. There were so many. Possibilities of error. That maybe you needed someone who was. You know. Big mouthed enough. And. Wide traveled enough. Or coming from the right family.

[00:52:10] Had. Like. Truly been. Everywhere. And. And that. Narrowed. The selection down. You know. And maybe then. The idea of a strong man. Who stood on top of a barricade. With his fist up in the air. And that could be. Service and inspiration. Like an image. Image. But we have so many images now. That are. Nuancing. These. Ideas.

[00:52:40] That. One man. Napoleon. Bonaparte. Type of person. Is going to lead us. Over the Alps. No. The Alps. There was Hannibal. What did Napoleon do? He. Invaded. Well. He probably invaded something. In the past. Unless you invaded something. You were just trash. You know.

[00:53:10] Imagine the stress of being a young person in. 1746. And. Not having conquered anything. Imagine being. Imagine being. A prince. In. Bavaria. In. The 14th century. I mean. And not having conquered anything. And your dad is like.

[00:53:40] Conquering all over the place. And he's doing it like. With his. Little finger as well. He just. Doesn't really put any effort into it. It just. It's just what he does. You know. Oh. I've been conquering. A little bit. And having tea. What. What have you done? You know. And. And you are just. Yeah. I'm having trouble even waking up in the morning. Because I. It feels like I have this. Quilt. Of. Angst.

[00:54:10] Just laying over me. On top of. On top of me. Pushing me down into my. Madras. And so I. I. Haven't in it. I haven't even had breakfast yet. And your dad. The conqueror is just like. Oh. Yeah. But that's cool. That's cool. You don't. You don't have to. I. I can do the conquering for both of us. And. But you can see that he's disappointed. And he doesn't get you.

[00:54:39] And you don't even get you. I mean. How could you? I mean. The. The point of being a person. Is. To conquer stuff. You know. And to know it all. I'm. I'm going to. Go out on a limb here. Sleepy. And say that I really. I despise. Strongmen. All gender. Strongmen. I despise them.

[00:55:08] Because they give us a sense of. Life as being a controllable. Entity. You know. And that's false. That's a lie. There are stuff you can control. All. But you can be strong. Without standing. With your fist in the air. Telling the world. That you know everything. You don't need to do that.

[00:55:38] Okay. If that's. Going to happen to someone. Then let the rest of the world. Do the. Paintings. The imagery. Of you. At the barricade. With your fists. Up in the air. Never done anything wrong. Let that be an image. Used by others. Don't tell people. The image. About you. Yourself. It's so undignified. And stupid. Also. Because I think that most.

[00:56:07] Thinking people. Will see right through that. Well. Maybe I'm wrong. Apparently. Strongmen. Is back in style. If you look at the world. There's. There's a few of them. And I'm. I must say. I'm a bit disappointed. Because I really thought. That we were on the cusp of. At least. In the part of the world. Where I'm.

[00:56:38] Somewhat familiar. We were on the cusp. Of changing that narrative. Into something. Yeah. More dignified. The world felt. For a little bit more. Open. And now. I must say. I. Feel. Well. I'm disappointed. And. I'm also. It's like an itch. You know. In my brain.

[00:57:07] I just don't get. Why we. Is it a safety thing? Is it because you're scared. You need someone. To say. I'm going to take care of. Everything. For you. Is it. That. Because. I mean. Even if. Because I'm scared. Sometimes. About what's going on. In the world. There's so many. Many things at stake. And. There's so many. Things that I feel.

[00:57:38] And think about. As worrisome. So. I know. About fear. I'm scared. But it's also. It's almost impossible. For me to understand. Why. You would let that. Trick you into. That false narrative. Being true. That. This guy. Particularly.

[00:58:06] Is going to take care of everything. I just don't get why. Or. Is that secondary. All the stuff that. A certain. American president. For instance. But he's not alone. In this. I just want to say that. This isn't just about. The American president. It's just. It's about. So many other people. Throughout the world. In Europe. In Asia. In Africa. In America.

[00:58:36] I mean. The strong. It's often a man. Isn't it? The strong man. Maybe it's secondary. The stuff he says. Maybe. People think of it as. Rhetoric. Maybe. We don't. Pay. Any particular. Attention. The words. And. The. You know. The acting. The drama. Maybe.

[00:59:06] We. Think. That we don't care about that. We say. To our. Ourselves. And to our friends. That we care about this. And that. Specific. Political issues. And we think that. He is the best candidate. And so on. And so on. But really. Isn't this. All about fear. I mean. Why else. Would you choose someone. Who. Honestly. I mean. Why would you choose.

[00:59:37] Why would you put your trust. Into someone. Who claims. He knows. It all. Why? It's like. We're children. Children. And. The guy. Who says. He knows it all. Is our dad. Or our mom. You know. And we believe them. Because it's our dad. And it's our mom. But he's not. Our dad. He's not our mom. He's like. A brother.

[01:00:08] And he doesn't know. Any more than you. Or me. He doesn't know. And that's okay. I mean. When did it not. When did it became. Not okay. To have questions. When did it become. Not okay. To ask. And find out. And say sorry. And. Change your mind.