Square Dancing with Ghosts

[00:00:00] Hi Sleepy, just a very quick note before we start today's episode. Do you want to listen to this podcast without the ads? Then you absolutely can. Just subscribe to Fall Asleep with Henrik Plus and to do so you can just click the link in the podcast description and it'll be fixed. See you there.

[00:00:23] Hi and welcome to Fall Asleep with Henrik. I am Henrik and you are Sleepy and it is what it is. What happens happens and right now there is nothing we can do. Let's go.

[00:00:52] Hi Sleepy. Okay, so I'm at it again. Didn't I learn my lesson? You might wonder. Didn't I learn the last time I did this that it's a waste of space and energy? No, apparently not. I keep doing this.

[00:01:18] So hi and welcome to this podcast which is aimed at making you fall asleep. But it doesn't have to be that way. You can listen as you please. The only thing I wanted to take with you during the whole episode is that there is no need for you to pay any attention to what I'm saying.

[00:01:46] I'm in my studio. I'm in my studio talking and I haven't prepared anything. I haven't written anything down. I'm just here talking from my brain into your ears. That sounded gross, but you know what I mean.

[00:02:07] My name is Henrik and yes, in case you're wondering, I am not English speaking initially. I am Swedish. I live in Sweden. I work as an actor and a writer and a podcaster in Sweden.

[00:02:27] I live off the land. No, I don't. I lied. I don't live off the land. I make my living from the Swedish version of this podcast and I have been doing so for many years.

[00:02:49] And in Sweden there are hundreds of thousands of people using my podcast every night to fall asleep. And what you're listening to right now is my experiment project in which I'm aiming to take this, take my personality out into the world using my second language, English.

[00:03:21] So if this is the first time you're listening to fall asleep with Henrik, there's a few things you should know. One of them I've already told you. I don't prepare anything. I don't write any scripts. I almost never edit anything out. I don't do retakes and stuff like that. Sometimes you will hear me clear my throat because what you hear is what you get here.

[00:03:52] The second is I am a bit of an acquired taste. So if this doesn't do it for you the first time, maybe you can give it a second try and see if it works better. I believe that this material is somewhat something that grows on you. Like learning to love olives or beer or coffee.

[00:04:24] I am olives, beer and coffee. So now I've gotten that out of the way. I can focus on whatever comes to mind. Since this is a growth project, I have right now reached my first goal. 10,000 listens each month.

[00:04:53] I reached like 16,000 listens this month. The previous month, June. But that was mostly because major YouTube influencer Jonna Jinton pushed me a lot. She really helped me. So I didn't do that. None of my ads did that.

[00:05:18] So I will forever be grateful for her for doing that because she gave me the hell of an introduction. And I am now, since my first goal was filled, 10,000 listens per month, I promised that I would go on.

[00:05:47] So I will. I will go on. I will keep doing this for another month and see where it takes me. But since this is a growth project, there's not a whole lot of you so far. So you can feel free to reach out to me. Write to me. Follow me on YouTube or Instagram or TikTok.

[00:06:16] And leave a review on the platform where you listen to my podcast. And share my material in your own social media. Just spread me around. Like, well, last week it was Vegemite. So this week it will be Swiss cheese. I don't think you can spread Swiss cheese though.

[00:06:43] But I'm filled with holes as well as Swiss cheese. I mean metaphorically speaking. I'm quite hollow. So I'm a bit shaky today, I think.

[00:07:12] Mostly because I didn't want to sit down and concentrate. I wanted to run around and play. I wanted to laugh and play and do stupid stuff. This is, I mean this is stupid stuff. But it's a very concentrated form of stupid stuff. I sit down and I watch my own mind go and buy my eyes.

[00:07:45] A so-called mind drive-by. A mind drive-by is a drive-by that your mind does. And it's a very natural thing. It's something that happens to everyone. It's not always that you're aware of it. But the mind drive-by is like this sudden sense of something else drifting through you.

[00:08:12] Like, this isn't really what's gone on here. Oh God, that was a very deep and profound thing of me to say. Good work, Henrik. You're such a... I really should get some sort of help. No, I mean... So in case you're new here, there will be different levels of...

[00:08:46] Fragmentalized stupidness in this podcast. I won't be able to make sense all of the time. Especially since I don't have English as my first language. I read a review on the American iTunes Apple podcaster.

[00:09:08] That said that my fragmented way of speaking English was not her bag or his bag. And I can really... I can totally relate to that because, I mean, if you're a native English speaker, then this sort of chopped up sentences because I need to think before I speak.

[00:09:36] Well, I could really relate to that in a Swedish sense. If someone spoke Swedish, like this chopped up way I'm using the... Massacring the English language, I totally can relate. But at the same time, it's also a good thing. Because it forces me to think and that forces my tempo to slow down.

[00:10:03] And it forces me to say stuff that you maybe... You've never heard. Because I use phrases or... Put the words in an order that you haven't necessarily heard before. And that could maybe distract you some bit from what you're used to. And that's my goal here. I want to distract you.

[00:10:32] So how are you, sleepy? How's your week? Are you... Are you in love? Okay. So that was a very... That was a very personal question. But the good thing is that I can't hear your answer. When I was a child, and when I was a teenager, and also as a young adult,

[00:11:02] that question was probably the most scary question I could be asked. If I were in a relationship, my friends and foes, they always asked me. Always. Not always, but it happened. You know, you met someone, and you're with them. It's been decided, you know. It's you and me. And then there's this question. Okay, so do you love...

[00:11:31] Are you in love? Do you love her? And every time I got that question, still, I guess, even though I've been in a very steady relationship for 17, almost 18 years now, it's a scary question because as soon as you put your finger on something, it dissolves into thin air. At least for me, that's the case.

[00:12:05] Do you really love her? Well, I would know love, you know. I don't know. I don't know. When I look at my daughter, then I know, you know. But even then, it's a very complex thing. And I mean, I can say with my brain, I can say with my logic that, of course, there's love.

[00:12:33] The stuff that I feel for Nina, my girlfriend. And please don't run around. Run around. I don't know. I don't know how to put this. Please don't climb a tower and yell out over the whole county that it's a stupid thing that he calls the mother of his child, his girlfriend. But I don't know what else to call it because we're not married.

[00:12:57] I got this comment on one of my YouTube videos that we were living in, like, since we have a child, we should be married. And we are living in some sort of a sinful, unstructured family. And that's hurtful to our child and stuff. And I'm sorry. I laugh. I laugh.

[00:13:27] I mean, everyone should care to their own beliefs. But it's okay. So I guess in some cultures, the marriage is like a more sacred thing. But to me and to the world where I live, in my immediate surroundings, marriage is just, you know, it's a thing you do because you love someone and not much else.

[00:13:56] Because we're not getting married in my part of the society and world. We're not getting married because we believe it to be a foundational pillar of society. I don't believe that marriage is like this totally necessary thing. But then again, everyone thinks different.

[00:14:22] So I got the question a lot more often when I was younger because I went in and out of relationships much more frequent. And I guess it's natural to ask that. And my friends were always so sure.

[00:14:51] I could ask them, oh, you met a new girlfriend. Oh, oh my God. How lovely. Do you love her? Are you in love? Yes. Yes. I'm over the top. I'm in seventh heaven, you know. And for me, it was like I felt like I was lying when I told them that, yeah, yeah, I'm in love.

[00:15:14] But as soon as I really focused in on my so-called love, it just dissolved into this. Because what is a feeling? What really is a feeling? It's just chemistry. And then there's this other thing, this amorphous sort of me fog.

[00:15:41] A fog of me floating like a cloud around the chemistry. And what is that? I mean, as soon as you look at it like for real, it disappears. And that really freaked me out as a kid. It wasn't just about romantical relationships either. It was about my parents.

[00:16:13] I asked myself, like, do I really love my parents? And I mean, the feelings that you have for your parents, I mean, they are so much more complex. I could always tell, though, when I fell in love like this, when I just fell for someone.

[00:16:42] But those feelings, they're not love. You know, it's like this rush of hormones. And they were, of course, more frequent in my younger years. This, I remember, there was this girl, girl, girl, girl, there was this girl, which is a Swedish word for girl with a D. No, I'm kidding.

[00:17:10] There was this girl called Therese. When I was in third grade or fourth grade, I don't remember, in this little village where I lived. In this little village school where we were around 60 students in my school at that time.

[00:17:30] And I was bullied, but not as much as I would be in later years, in like later middle school or high school. So I was in my classroom and the door opened. And this girl came in with an older boy.

[00:18:00] And my teacher said, this is Therese and her big brother, Micke. And they're going to, they just moved here. And Therese is going to be in this class and Micke is going to be in the fifth grade or something. And, oh yeah, Therese, you have bought the house next to Henrik, I think, she said. And I were like, immediately in love.

[00:18:31] Just because she was a woman and that she moved in next to me. I just fell like, do you remember what it was like when you were a kid and you fell in love? It's like nothing else. Sometimes this feeling comes over me.

[00:18:56] Like when I watch a movie or something with this young love theme, you know. I get the sense of the feeling, like an echo of the feeling. But it's so distant compared to what it was like.

[00:19:18] I was, I don't remember even thinking that she was cute or anything. It was just, it was bigger than that, you know. It was like the core of her just rammed the core of me, like this explosion. Isn't it wonderful really how we can connect to each other like that? It was, it's like, it's bigger than us.

[00:19:47] Because of course you can see an attractive person and you can feel drawn to that person, to that person's personality or the physiological traits of that person. But it's not the same as that feeling I got when Therese entered the classroom back in the 80s. It's like, I don't know what it is really.

[00:20:13] It's like, it's a bigger force than, because I remember I couldn't control it. And from that day I was like, I was so in love. So that was different.

[00:20:33] And okay, so the question, the answer to the question, are you in love, is as long as there was no established relationship, I could go and say that, yes, of course I'm in love. Because I didn't have to focus on the feeling. The feeling had focused on me. Because it was unfulfilled.

[00:20:56] But as soon as the relationship is like an actual relationship, then you need to focus on the feeling. Because the danger is gone or whatever. So the dangerous part is over, in a way.

[00:21:26] Maybe I'm this typical guy though. It's all about the hunt, you know. You read about guys telling you about that this is actually the thing, you know. It's just the hunt and then it's not interesting anymore. No, I don't. In that case, I've been hunting my girlfriend Nina for 18 years.

[00:21:51] It must be exhausting to just hunt the same person for 18 years. No, not me. But it's, yeah, well then I was so in love. And I mean everything, the texture of the world really morphed into Therese.

[00:22:19] The clouds, the trees, my imagination about everyday stuff. Therese was in all of it. I had these fantasies about me and her doing like average stuff, you know. Sitting in a boat together, rowing. On a meadow, picking flowers, you know. Like this very romantic stuff.

[00:22:48] Her in a raincoat, looking out into the rain. I miss it. I miss the time when the emotion was so strong. And I was also a very convenient period of my life because I didn't have to respond to anyone. Now, I have a child.

[00:23:17] I have a partner. I have commitments. I have a life. I have an occupation. I can't just go around losing myself in the motion, you know. But as a child, you could. You could just. And you also have this very boring life in a way because it was school. You had to go to school.

[00:23:43] Every day for eight hours every day, you had to go to school and learn stuff that you didn't want to learn. And hang out with people that you didn't really didn't want to hang out with. In most cases anyway. And you were all bunched together because you were the same age.

[00:24:04] I mean, in what other scenarios can you do that to a human being without being reported to the authorities? I mean, imagine bunching together a whole bunch of people just because they are 55, you know. You are going to be in this room now. But I don't like Kenny. Kenny is like this totally opposite guy for me.

[00:24:32] Yes, but you're both 55, so you need to get along. And you need to have like a lunch break together. And if Kenny beats you to a pulp every lunch break, well, you know, then we need to talk about it. But we can't separate you because Kenny is in your class. I'm sorry, I'm laughing. This is, I mean, this is a tragic thing. It's like every child is the same.

[00:25:02] And then all of a sudden we develop into these flourishing, wonderful people that deserve our own spaces and our own terms. And we deserve that people respect our privacy and stuff.

[00:25:26] So I miss the part of my life where I was treated unhuman, unhumane. And my dreams got to be so strong and untouched because they were untouched because nobody understood it. The world around me didn't permit me to share my dreams. So I kept them to myself and they became so strong.

[00:25:53] I was this burning dream machine walking around school loving Therese. And she had a horse. And that horse was, I remember I lied and I said that I loved horses because I wanted to be close to her.

[00:26:24] So I got to be there from time to time to just look at the horse and I couldn't care less about that freaking horse. It tried to bite me once. I was actually very afraid of it. But I never told her that. She was also like, she was the only girl in my vicinity.

[00:26:53] I mean, there were just, there was a lot of kids younger than me. There were a few girls, but Therese was the only girl my age in the village. And there was a lot of guys my age. And we all fell in love with Therese, of course, because she was the only one to fall in love with within 100 meters from our houses.

[00:27:16] In the larger part of the village, on the other side of the bridge, there was this old World War II remnant bridge separating my part of the little village, Linghed. Or my part of the village was called, which is Swedish for Hawk Bay.

[00:27:41] And the larger part and the umbrella term for the whole village, Hawk Bay included, was Linghed, which could be translated to Lingonberry Meadow. Lingonberry Meadow, like a moor, where you can go, can travel across the moor, like that.

[00:28:13] So, there was my, it's so fun, by the way, to translate these words into English, just, I don't know, I don't know. I feel also that I'm, today I'm not as fluent as I'm usually, as I usually am. I think I'm a bit speed, speeded. I'm a bit speed up. I'm sorry.

[00:28:42] I'm learning. I'm learning as I do this. But I'm not going to stop. And I'm not going to retake anything. You will just have to hear me adapt. Yes. That's actually what I'm doing here. I'm learning as I go.

[00:29:03] And you can, if you give this like two listens or something, I believe that you will get to know me a bit better. And that will do the trick, I guess. Because it's me that I'm trying to give to you here. Not my brilliant English or my brilliant mind or anything like that. Because there is no such thing. No such thing.

[00:29:30] I am just here to show me to you. I'm here to tell you that I'm here. I'm here. And I will be here for the whole hour. And you can just let go. Let go.

[00:29:54] So I wrote a letter to Therese. And I filled her. Okay. So it was, of course, it was very clear to her that I had, that I was in love with her because I was on her like glue. And not like the other guys.

[00:30:23] They were like very... I've always thought that boys are very unshy in showing reaction and attraction and stuff. I've never been comfortable sharing what I find beautiful and what I find attractive. It's a cringe thing for me.

[00:30:52] I feel I'm shy. So I was on her like glue. But on a very like... Have you ever thought about this, Therese? Therese, have you ever watched The Sun and thought to yourself... I was trying to, you know, impress her with my beautiful mind, I think. And of course, I didn't.

[00:31:19] But anyway, she must have known that I was into her because she asked me once, What do you think of me? Like this very teasing way. What do you really think of me? Tell me. And she just stared at me. And I was trying to crawl out of my shoes because I felt so embarrassed.

[00:31:41] And I said, well, you are a very appreciated member of our little community here, Therese. And it's a beautiful thing that we can coexist. Not too close. But that we can coexist like peers. You know, I was very... I killed it. And she...

[00:32:09] Well, we split up for the day. And when I came home, I was like cursing at myself because I had the chance there to tell her that You're the most beautiful person in the world. And I really love you. And I don't know what that means. I am just like 11 years old and I don't know what love is. And I haven't even kissed a girl.

[00:32:36] I don't know what anything really is. And so I wrote her a letter. And it said... I don't really remember. But it said like, Therese, you know damn well what I think about you. Like this very, very harsh letter. You know damn well what I think about you. You're the most beautiful person alive.

[00:33:08] Or maybe who's ever lived. And I would love for you... I would love to know if you have the same feelings for me. And maybe I left these check marks. These check squares where she could check... Leave a check mark if she liked me or if she loved me or maybe or no. You know, different options she could check in.

[00:33:35] And then I found these plastic pearls that my little sister had for one of her necklaces. You know, the ones that you do yourself. In kindergarten or in... Well, in school. The lower classes. And I told her...

[00:34:01] So I put some of the pearls in the envelope where the letter was going to go. And then I wrote on the letter that the pearls are for your honor. Sorry for laughing. Sorry. I'm not supposed to laugh. You're going to fall asleep. But this is the case with fall asleep with Henrik. I'm going to do whatever I'm going to... What happens, happens.

[00:34:33] So I had this chivalry thing going on. I think I believed that women would find it very, very attractive if I were like this middle-aged... Medieval... Medieval... Medieval... Medieval middle-aged knight. You know. Curtis... Curtis and... Chivalresque. Can you say that?

[00:35:03] Fulfilled with chivalry. So... I said that the pearls are for your honor, milady. Kind of. And... Then I... Went over to her mailbox. It was in the evening. Summer evening. No, maybe spring. So it was getting brighter outside in the evenings. But it was still getting darker. And... The feeling... The feeling...

[00:35:33] When I put the envelope... In her mailbox... And just ran home. My heart going... Like a drum in my chest. The... Cold air... From the spring evening. And... There was this... Field. This... New... Newly plowed field. So it must have been... Quite... Late in the... Spring.

[00:36:03] And... It smelled like earth. Soil. And... This very... Nippy... Air. Which just streamed down my air pipes like... Chili soup. No, not chili. Like the spice. But like chili. As in cold.

[00:36:33] I don't know how you guys... Can separate words that sounds like... Almost... The same. How do you... Separate... Chili... From chili? I mean... How do you... How do you do that? I mean... Do you have a sixth sense? Or... Wait... How many senses are there? Okay... I'm not going to go into that because... I guess... Senses are like... A very subjective thing...

[00:37:03] I mean... You may have a... Seventh sense for... The presence of bad podcast hosts... For instance... Maybe you're very sensitive to that... And that's your sense as well. Okay... So... So... Then I went home... And I waited... And I had this need for instant gratification... So... Of course...

[00:37:30] I couldn't just wait for her parents or something to pick up the mail the day before... The day... The next day... So I called her... So I called her... On the landline... We had no cell phones or stuff... So I called her... Hi... Is Therese there? Yes... Wait... Therese... It's someone on the phone for you... No... Not someone... He... He knew me... The father and the mother... They... They knew me... Although... This is very interesting...

[00:37:58] I don't remember them at all... And I mean... I was... Frequently at their house... And I don't remember... Like... Anything about them... The only memory I have... Is Therese... And her horse... And the horse is there... Just because Therese loved it so much... I think... Otherwise... I wouldn't have... Cared... At all about the horse... But it's interesting how a person...

[00:38:27] A small person... Can just... Take over a whole family... Memory-wise... It's... It's actually beautiful... I get kind of touched now... It's touching really that... Little me could... Be so entered... You know... By another person... That... That another person could just... Step into me and say... Hi... I'm gonna take a place... Take up room here...

[00:38:57] In you... And I'm gonna be here... Now... For the rest of your life... I'm going to... Form the... The... The feelings that you have... Going into... Relationships... As you get... As you get older... I'm going to be here... And form your view... And... However little... You know... I will be here... And I will be an ingredients... Of you for the rest of your life...

[00:39:26] Because... Of course... She's an ingredient... In ingredients... How else could I talk about this... Like this... 40 years later... So I... I called her... And I said that... Hello... How are you? Hello... Dear friend... You know... There's this thing... I don't think I've ever told you... But... I work extra at the post office...

[00:39:56] In the evenings... And I... Just went out on my daily round... And... I happened to see that there's a... A letter for you... In your mailbox... Dear... Honored member of my... My peer... Community... And she said... What? You haven't told me that you work in the post office...

[00:40:25] Do they even employ children? Yes... Actually it's a... This very elaborate lie... That would be exposed like... 20 minutes later... If she would... Would pick up the... The letter... So it's a stupid thing... I mean... Why didn't I just tell her... I left a note for you... In your mailbox... It's about my feelings for you... Goodbye... Why did I have to lie? I mean...

[00:40:54] Because of course she said... Okay... Well... I can pick it up tomorrow... And I said... Well... Yes... Of course you could... But it's a... I think you would maybe... Be very relieved tomorrow... If you picked it up now... It looked interesting... You know... So... I did... So... I couldn't... Tell her that... It was me who wrote the letter...

[00:41:24] That I really wanted her to read it... And to tell her that she felt the same... And she said... No... I... I don't want to go and pick it up... It's... It's late... Why don't you... Pick up the letter and bring it to me? And... Of course... I didn't have the guts to do that... So I said... Oh... Okay... You can pick it up tomorrow then... See you tomorrow at school... Bye-bye... And we hung up... And then I...

[00:41:53] Of course... Afterthoughts hit me... I... Couldn't wait... For her to read it... But... The longer... The longer... The time... Went... I... Wanted... To... You know... Be free of the whole situation...

[00:42:23] I got really nervous... And... Really scared... And... I thought that... What if she doesn't love me back? And... What if I really love her? Maybe this is just... You know... My youthful lust... Talking... Uh... My mother had... Taught me that... When you're a young man... Or... When you're young... You can just...

[00:42:51] Throw yourself into relationships... And... That could... End in disaster... She was very dramatic in that way... And I really believed her in a way... That... As a young person... I had... Absolutely no sense of what's going on... So I... I've never thought that I was... That I had all the answers... Growing up... Like many other... Young people... In my... Friendship... Group... Thought...

[00:43:20] That they were like... Kings of the world... No... I... Always had that thought in the back of my mind that... I am young... I don't know... I regret that in a way... I think that my mother... Didn't... Didn't do me any service... By... Telling me this... And imprinting it in me... Because I... I've... I think I would have benefited from some... Sort of...

[00:43:50] Hybris... Hybris... What do you call it? Hybris... This is... That's a Latin word... But it's... Used in Swedish as... When you get... Like... High on yourself... Hybris... Oh God... I know too little... Okay... So... Uh... Anyway... I'm... Why drag... Why drag it out?

[00:44:20] I didn't have the guts to... Wait... And see what Tyrius had to say about the letter... So I sneaked back... In the night... And I took the envelope back from her... Mailbox... And I put it in a drawer... In my room... And... There it was... I never showed her the letter... And I don't think she's listening... Listening now either...

[00:44:50] I have actually made a Swedish episode about this... Uh... One year back... I think... And... So there is a chance that she heard it... But I don't think so... And... Then again... Why would that be anything... Weird... Or strange... Or fantastic in any way? I mean... This happens to every single person... Growing up... And I mean Tyrius was the... Was... Well she was not the first actually...

[00:45:19] When I was seven... I fell... Deeply in love with this girl... In the class above me... Called Linda... And Linda was actually really... She was very... Mean to me... She... She hit me... I remember... She hit me... Because it was her job to teach me some... Math or something... Our... Teacher put us together in some sort of a... Group work...

[00:45:50] Scenario... Where they... She and her friend... Were going to teach me... Math... Because I didn't understand... And they hit me... That was... So that was my first experience... With the love... That love hurts... You know... No... No I'm... Okay so this episode... Is apparently about love...

[00:46:21] So... Then... The years went by... And Therese faded away... She went... Away... Because she was... In a way... She grew up quicker than me... When we started high school... She was already... Like... Having... A boyfriend... And stuff... And I haven't even... Began that journey... So...

[00:46:50] She was like... Dissolving away from me... In a way... And I don't remember thinking that was... Sad... I had a lot of love interests... In high school... Always at a distance... 99.9% of my... Love interests have been... Unspoken...

[00:47:18] And unknowingly loved by me... And... Well... It turned out alright for me in the end... Anyway... You know... I found someone... But the second one... After Therese... That was... Like... Really major... Was this girl called Lee... And she was... Um... My grandparents...

[00:47:48] Were... Square dancers... So... And me... And me as well... I was... I danced... I was... Square dancing with my... Grandmother and grandfather... My mother's... Ma and dad... For... Like... Many, many years... I started when I was 9... 10... And I... And I stopped in my 20s... When my grandma was too old... To keep dancing... And so we... Grandpa just...

[00:48:16] He didn't really like that... So much... He enjoyed the drinking... I think... In association with the dance... But... He... Didn't really like to dance... Square dance... To do square dance... He was more into... Like... Um... Yeah... Other... Old... Dances... When you can... Just genuinely touch someone and dance... He... He liked to touch... People...

[00:48:46] No... Not people in general... He... He really liked to dance with my grandma... But... Only when he got to hold her I think... I don't think he enjoyed... He was like... This swirling... Running... Waving... Extravagant... Way... Of dance that you do when you do square dance... So me and my grandmother we danced... For... Yeah... Well... 10 years... Maybe more... 11... 12 years...

[00:49:15] And... Uh... So... It was at the party that... That... We were at this square dance convention... In a Swedish... Small town called Västerås... And... Afterwards... We... All the adults... I mean... There were almost no kids... I was... Like... One of the few kids... And I was 14 years old... And... We were at this campsite... Where all the trailers... People...

[00:49:44] Slept in trailers... And... There was this party... And all the grown-ups were... I mean... I thought of them... At the time as... Really... Really old people... But... Looking back... I think... Maybe they were my age... Like... 48... 50... And... They became really drunk... And... Laughed... And... Fell over... And stuff... And as a kid... At that sort of event... You get really lonely...

[00:50:14] And... Then I met Lee... She was another lonely child there... And she was... One year older than me... Maybe... And... I immediately fell in love... Again... I think... Because... She was the only girl... There... Now... Looking back... I feel like I... Like... Practiced... You know... Someone showed up... And... You know... I practice...

[00:50:44] Teenage hormones... On this person... So... I was... In love with her... Without... Her ever knowing it... For... Ten years... I don't know... That was... No... Not ten years... Maybe until I was like... Nineteen... Twenty... Maybe... She was... Dating a lot of... My friends...

[00:51:13] And other people around me... But never me... And... I was like the brother... She could talk to me about everything... And I... Cried my eyes out... Every night... Because I loved her... You know... And... Of course... She knew that... Of course... And I think... It was a... It must have been a... Good feeling... You know... Maybe somewhat of a feeling of power... But also I think...

[00:51:46] I really... Showed her that... I would do anything for you... And to have someone like that... In your life is... I mean... It must have been... Growing up... It must have been a really good thing... You know... A very safe and comforting thing... Especially since I wasn't... Like... Outspoken about my... True feelings... I was just this... Out... Out there... I was just this very supporting... Brother-like figure... You know...

[00:52:16] And that had... That has tended to be the case... With almost everyone I loved... In my youth... They really... I... They really see me as a brother... They really saw me as a brother... And... Then something happened... Like... I think it was... Around when I started... Drinking... I was... In actor school... At the time... And I started... To drink... Because I...

[00:52:45] My ma had told me that... Alcohol was wrong... So I believed her for... Many, many years... But then... After having studied at actor school... For like... Two years... I... Felt that... Like... Oh what the heck... I mean... Everyone is drunk here... All the time... And I got so left out... And I really... Hated it... So I thought that... Okay... I'm gonna try this...

[00:53:15] I'm gonna give it a chance... Because everyone else tells me that... This is the best thing... Ever... So I had this little... Little cup of wine... Every time we had a party... And of course... Since I've never... Since I... I had never drank before... It just went right into my head... And... Of course... Almost immediately... I... Asked myself the question... Why have I... Trying to avoid this... My entire life...

[00:53:45] This is the answer to everything... I've ever wished for... And in a way... It... Was... For real... Because... I got over my... I got over parts of my shyness... I could... I realized... That I had needs... That weren't exactly... I realized... I am a human... Yeah... That was it...

[00:54:14] I realized that I am... A man... That I... Can... Love... That I can be attracted... And that I could want... And... That helped me... Over the... Over the edge... So to speak... In accepting that I am not this... Overly... Good... Monk... Person that can just... Wait for...

[00:54:44] Be... A knight... In a golden armor... And wait for the princess... To just arrive... If... I allowed myself... And my life... And my relationships... To get a bit more messy... You know... There was this... Error of margin... There was this... Room for mistakes... That I allowed myself... And that's alcohol... That was because I started drinking... Now I wouldn't...

[00:55:12] Say that alcohol... Saved me in any way... Because it almost... Destroyed everything... In my life... Later on... Many years later... But I... I think that... That drug really pushed me over the edge... And... Because I think I didn't have the guts... To really grow up... I think the child in me... Held on... Very very hard... And made it difficult... For me to...

[00:55:42] Function in a... Grown up world... This is a bit sad... To talk about... I think... But... It's the truth... And I will never go as far as to say that... Alcohol saved my life for anything... Because... As I said... It went almost in the opposite direction... Almost... And... I believe I could have...

[00:56:11] Gone another way... In liberating myself... But now... What happened... And after that... I... I ended up having... Like... Relationships... I mean... Real... Relationships... Where I became one part of the relationship... Not just one... Longing... Angel-like figure... Standing and... Watching over her... Unasked... Guardian angel...

[00:56:41] Sort of... Thing... But... I... Was... Yeah... I became... A person... A real person... And I... Met... Girls... And I... Had... Two relationships... In...

[00:57:09] Accelerated seriousness... Before Nina... And then Nina came... And... Nina was the first one... When I actually told... That... I really loved her... Before she told me... And she was... Really scared... And... Didn't... Because she was... She was convinced that... All...

[00:57:38] All relationships... Like... Just end in misery... And... And I was so... Safe... And... Proud... To be... Safe... To be calm... I wasn't calm... I was like... Really in love... But... I'm... I was really... Oh... What do you say? I...

[00:58:09] I was very confident... That... In myself... There is nothing you can do... I remember telling her... There is nothing you can do that... Is going to ruin me... Hurt me... I am... Perfectly fine with me... And I love me... And... The only thing I want to say is that... You are... You are a delight... And... I have feelings for you... And that scared her of course... But then...

[00:58:39] One day... She called me and she said... Uh... I love you... And since then it's been... The two of us... The thing is... When she said... I love you... I went really... Really scared... I... I felt like... Oh my God... What have I... Started... And... That fear held on for a while... Until... It was like... Uh...

[00:59:07] Have you ever realized... Being afraid of something... And then you... Just suddenly discover that the fear is... Not really anchored into anything... It's just there... Like an extra layer... Layer... It's... It's just there... Like an extra layer... And that... It's just...

[00:59:37] You can just peeve it off... Like the... Like the shell of a fruit... And then there's just this whole other thing... Beneath... That's how it was with Nina... And then... We had Harriet... And... Now I... Almost never... Think about... Time when I almost died every day... Because the girl that I loved... Didn't love me back...

[01:00:07] I almost never think about love... In that way... Anymore... And it's a sad... Thing to... Not feel so strongly... But at the same time... It's just this... Very blissful thing... Not to... Wake up... Every morning and die a little... Because... The girl with a big G... She with a big S... Tyrius with a big T...

[01:00:36] Doesn't love me back... Or... I don't know... She... Told someone that told me... That she loves Magnus... Or something... The world is a beautiful place... And it is a beautiful place... Even without those... Great... Great feelings... And... I leave you with that...

[01:01:08] Good night sleepy... And... I want to say... One more thing... I realize that... This episode... Has been... A little more... I haven't found the words... As much as I... Use... To do it... Can you hear it? I'm just not there... Language wise... But... I'm gonna leave this up anyway... It really scares me when I do this...

[01:01:36] Because I feel like I lost it... It's been fun for a while... And now... When the work sets in... Then... I don't have what it takes... And I start to... Like... Demoralize myself... But I'm going to... I'm going to... Defy my own... Stronger... Stricter self here... And I'm going to...

[01:02:07] I'm going to put this up anyway... What's wrong with the world? When you are... Thank you.