I am olives, beer and coffee

[00:00:00] Hi Sleepy, just a very quick note before we start today's episode Do you want to listen to this podcast without the ads? Then you absolutely can. Just subscribe to Fall asleep with Henrik Plus and to do so, you can just click the link in the podcast description

[00:00:18] And it'll be fixed See you there Hi and welcome to Fall asleep with Henrik I am Henrik and you are sleepy And it is what it is What happens happens? And right now there's nothing we can do. Let's go High sleepy Okay, so I'm at it again

[00:00:57] Didn't I learn my lesson? You might wonder Didn't I learn the last time I did this that It's it's a waste of space and energy No apparently not. I keep doing this So hi and welcome to this podcast which is aimed at making you fall asleep

[00:01:27] But it doesn't have to be that way you can listen as you please The only thing I wanted to take with you during the whole episode is that There's no need for you to pay any attention to what I'm saying

[00:01:47] I'm in my studio talking and I haven't prepared anything I haven't written anything down. I'm just here talking from my brain into your ears That's standard gross, but you know what I mean My name is Henrik and Yes in case you're wondering I am not English speaking

[00:02:16] Initially I am Swedish I live in Sweden. I work as an actor and a writer and a potcaster in Sweden I live off the land No, I don't I lied. I don't live off the land. I make my living from the Swedish version of this podcast

[00:02:45] And I have been doing so for many years and in Sweden there are hundreds of thousands of people using my podcast every night to fall asleep And what you're listening what you're listening to right now is my Experiment project in which I am aiming to take this

[00:03:11] Take my Personality out into the world Using my second language English So if this is the first time you're listening to fall asleep with Henrik There's a few things you should know One of them I've already told you I don't prepare anything. I don't write any scripts I

[00:03:37] Almost never edit anything out I don't do retakes and stuff like that Sometimes you will hear me clear my throat Because what you hear is what you get here The second is I am a bit of a I am a bit of an acquired taste

[00:04:01] So if this doesn't do it for you the first time maybe you can give it a second try and see if it works better I believe that This material is somewhat something that grows on you like Learning to love olives or beer or coffee

[00:04:25] I am olives beer and coffee So now I've Got into that out of the way. I can focus on Whatever comes to mind Since this is growth project I am right now I have right now reached the very my first goal 10,000 listens each month I reached like 16,000 listens

[00:04:58] This month The the previous month June But that was mostly because Major youtube influencers Yona Zinton pushed me a lot She really helped me so I didn't do that none of my ads did that

[00:05:18] So I will forever be forever be grateful for her to for doing that because she gave me the hell of an introduction and I am now Since my first goal was filled 10,000 listens per month I promise that I would go on so I will I will go on

[00:05:51] I will keep doing this for another month And see where it takes me But since this is a growth project There's not a whole lot of you so far So you can feel free to reach out to me Right to me

[00:06:09] Follow me on youtube or instagram or TikTok and Leave a review on the platform where you listen to my podcast And share my material in your own social media Just spread me around Like Well last week it was Veggie might so to this week it will be

[00:06:38] Swiss cheese I don't think you can spread the Swiss cheese though But I'm filled with holes as well as Swiss Swiss cheese I mean Method for a cult Method for a clisps speaking I'm quite hollow I'm a bit I'm a bit Shake it today I think

[00:07:13] Mostly because i didn't Want to Sit down and concentrate I wanted to run around and play I wanted to laugh and Play and do stupid stuff This is I mean this is stupid stuff but it's a very concentrated form of stupid stuff

[00:07:35] I sit down and I watch my own mind Going by my eyes a so called mind drive by a Mind drive by is a drive by that your mind does and it's a very natural thing

[00:07:57] It's something that happens to everyone. It's not always that you're aware of it But the mind drive bias is like this sudden sense of something else drifting through you Like This isn't really what's gone on here Oh god

[00:08:19] That was a very deep and profound thing of me to say good work Hendrik you're such a I really I really should get some sort of help No, I mean So in case you're new here there will be different levels of Fragment-tellized stupidness in this podcast

[00:08:50] I I won't be able to make sense all of the time especially since I don't have like English as my first language I read a review on the American iTunes Apple Podcaster that said that my fragmented way of speaking English was not her bag or his bag and

[00:09:20] I can really I can totally relate to that because I mean if you were a native English speaker then this sort of Shopt up sentences because I need to think before I speak Will I could really relate to that in a Swedish sense? If someone spoke Swedish like

[00:09:44] This Shopt up way I'm I'm using the Massacring the English language I totally can relate But at the same time it's Also a good thing Because it forces me to think and that forces my tempo to slow down and it forces me to say stuff

[00:10:06] that you may be You've you've never heard because I use phrases or Put the words in an order that you haven't necessarily heard before and that could maybe distract you some bit from what your used to And that's that's my goal here I want to distract you

[00:10:33] So how are you sleepy? How's you we how how's your week are you? Are you in love? Okay, so that was a very There was a very personal question but the good thing is that I can't hear your answer

[00:10:57] When I was a child and when I was a teenager and also as a young adult That question was Probably the most scary question I could be asked If I were in her relationship my friends And force they always ask me Always not not always but it happened

[00:11:20] You know you met someone and you're with them It's been decided you know, it's even me and then There's this question Okay, so do you love are you in love do you love to your love her and? Every time I got that question

[00:11:41] Still I guess even though I've been in a very steady relationship for 17 almost 18 years now It's a scary question because as soon as you put your finger on something it dissolves into thin air At least at least for me that's the case. Do you really love her?

[00:12:08] Well, I wouldn't know love, you know, I don't know I don't know When I look at my daughter Then I know you know But even then it's a very complex thing and I mean I can say with my Brain I can say with my logic that

[00:12:31] Of course there's love The stuff that I feel for Nina my girlfriend and please don't run around Run around I don't know I don't know how to put this please don't climb the tower and yell out

[00:12:47] Over the whole country that it's a stupid thing that he calls his The mother of his child his girlfriend But I don't know what else to call it because we're not married I got this comment on one of my YouTube videos that

[00:13:06] We were living in like since we have a child we should be married and We are living in some sort of a sinful unstructured Family and that's hurtful to our child and stuff I'm sorry I I I mean everyone should

[00:13:28] Care to they all through their own beliefs, but it's okay so I guess In some cultures the marriage is like a more sacred thing But to me and to the world where I live in my immediate surroundings

[00:13:48] Marriage is just you know it's a thing you do because you love someone and not much else We're not getting married in my part of the society and world We're not getting married because we believe it to be a foundational pillar of society

[00:14:07] I don't believe that marriage is Like this Totally necessary thing But then again everyone thinks different so I got the question a lot more often when I was younger because I Went in and out of relationships it must must more much more frequent and I guess

[00:14:44] It's natural to ask that And my friends were always so sure I Could ask them oh you met on your girlfriend. Oh, oh my god How how lovely do you love her? Are you in love? Yes, yes, I'm over the over the top

[00:15:02] I'm in seventh heaven, you know and For me it was like I felt like I was lying when I told them that yeah, yeah I'm in love but as soon as I really focused in on my so-called love It just dissolved into this because what is a feeling?

[00:15:26] What really is a feeling? It's just Chemistry and then there's this other thing that's a more of this sort of me fog a fog May a fog of me Floating like a cloud around the the Chemistry and

[00:15:52] What is that? I mean as soon as you look at it like like for real It disappears And that really freaked me out as a kid It wasn't just about romantical relationships either it was about my parents

[00:16:13] I asked myself like do I really love my parents and I mean the thing the feelings that you have for your parents I mean they are So much more complex I could always tell though when I fell in love like this

[00:16:37] When I just fell for someone but those feelings They're not love you know that it's it's like this rush of hormones and they were of course more frequent in my younger years This

[00:16:56] I remember there was this girl girl girl girl girl that was this girl which is a Swedish word for Girl with a D Now I'm kidding There was this girl called Tiriya's When I was in

[00:17:17] Third grade or fourth grade I don't remember in this little village where I lived in this little village school Where we were around 60 students in my school at that time and I I was bullied but not as much as I would be in

[00:17:41] Later years in like later mid or middle school or high school So I I was in my classroom and the door opened and This girl came in with an older boy And my teacher said this is Tiriya's and her big brother Mikya And they're going to

[00:18:09] They're just moved here And Tiriya's is going to be in this class and the Mikya is going to be in the fifth grade or something And Oh yeah Tiriya's you You have bought the house next to Hendrik I think she said And I will like immediately in love

[00:18:31] Just because she was a woman and that she moved in next to me I just fell like Do you remember what it was like when you were a kid and you fell in love? It's like nothing else Sometimes this feeling comes over me

[00:18:56] Like when I watch a movie or something with this Young love theme, you know I get the sense of the feeling like an echo of the feeling But it's so distant compared to what it was like I was I don't remember Even

[00:19:26] Thinking that she was cute to anything it was just It was bigger than that, you know It was like the core of her just rammed the core of me like this Explosion Isn't it wonderful really how we can connect to each other like that?

[00:19:43] It's like it's bigger than us Because of course you can see an attractive person and you can feel drawn to that person To that person's personality or the physiological traits of that person

[00:19:58] But it's not the same as that feeling I got when Tarius entered the classroom back in the 80s It's like I don't know what it is really it's like it's a bigger force than

[00:20:17] Because I remember I couldn't control it and from that day I was like I was so In love so that was different Yeah, okay, so the question the answer to the question are you in love is? uh As as as long as there there was no

[00:20:45] Established relationship I could go and say that yes of course I mean love because I didn't have to focus on the feeling the feeling had focused on me Because it was unfil filled But as soon as the relationship is like an actual relationship

[00:21:04] Then you need to focus on the feeling because The danger is gone or whatever So that the Danger is part is over in a way Maybe I'm this typical guy though it's all about the hunt, you know You read about

[00:21:33] Telling you about that this is actually the thing, you know, it's just the hunt and then it's not interesting anymore No, I don't In that case I've been hunting My girlfriend in enough for 18 years Must be exhausting to just hunt the same person for 18 years No Not me

[00:22:01] But it's um yeah well then I was so in love and I mean everything the texture of the world really Morped into Tires The Clouts the trees my imagination about everyday stuff Tires was in all of it I had these fantasies about

[00:22:32] Me and her doing like average stuff, you know sitting in a boat together rowing um On a metal picking flowers, you know like this is very romantic stuff Her in a raincoat looking out into the rain I miss it I miss the time when

[00:23:05] The emotion was so strong and I And I was also a very convenient period of my life because I didn't have to respond to anyone Now I have a child I have a partner I have commitments I have a life I have an occupation

[00:23:25] I can't just go around Losing myself in the motion, you know But as a child you could you could just And you also have this very boring life in a way because it was school

[00:23:42] You have to go to school every day for eight hours every day you had to go to school And learn stuff that you didn't want to learn and hang out with people that You didn't really didn't want to hang out with In most cases anyway and

[00:24:00] You were all bunched together because you were the same age I Mean in what other scenarios Can you do that to a human being without being Reported to the authority of artists I mean imagine bunch bunching together a whole bunch of people just because they are 55 You know

[00:24:24] You were going to be in this room now But I don't like canny canny is like This totally opposite guy from me. Yes, but you're both 55 so you need to get along and you need to have like

[00:24:39] Lunch break together and if canny beats you to a pulp every every lunch break Well, you know, then we need to talk about it, but we can't separate you because Canny's in your class I'm sorry I'm laughing this is I mean this is a tragic thing

[00:24:59] It's like every child Is the same and then all of a sudden we Develop into these flourishing wonderful people that deserve our own spaces and our own terms and We did we deserve that people respect our privacy and stuff so I miss the part of my life

[00:25:32] Where I was treated on human and human and And My dreams got to be so strong and untouched Because they were untouched because nobody understood it a world around me didn't permit me to share my dreams

[00:25:49] So I kept them to myself and they become became so strong I was This Burning dream machine Walking around school Loving Tires And she had a horse And That horse was a I remember I I

[00:26:19] Lied and I said that I loved horses because I wanted to be close to her So I got to be there From time to time to just Look at the horse and I couldn't care less about that freaking horse

[00:26:33] It tried to bite me once I was actually very afraid of it But I never told her that She was also like She was the only girl in my The incentive I mean they were just There was a lot of kids younger than me

[00:26:57] There were a few girls but Tires was the only girl my age in the village and There was a lot of My age and we all fell in love with Tires

[00:27:09] Of course because she was the only one to fall in love with within a hundred meters from our houses In the larger part of the village on the other side of the bridge There was this old World War II Remnant bridge

[00:27:28] Separating my part of the little village Linghead Or my part of the village was called Her Kvikian which is Swedish for Hawke Bay And The larger part and and the umbrella term for the whole village Hawke Bay included Was Linghead which could be translated to Lingonberry meadow

[00:28:00] More lingonberry more Like a more you know where a With the where you can go can travel across the more like that So There was my It's so fun by the way to translate this Words into English just I don't know I don't know

[00:28:26] I feel also that I'm today. I'm not as Fluent as I'm usually as I usually am I think I'm a bit speed speeded I'm a bit speed up. I'm sorry I'm learning I'm learning as I do this

[00:28:48] But I'm not going to stop and I'm not going to retake anything you will just have to hear me adapt Yes That's actually what I'm doing here I'm learning as I go and you can if you give this like Too listens or something I believe that you will

[00:29:12] Get to know me a bit better And that will do the trick I guess Because it's me that I'm trying to give to you here not my brilliant English or my brilliant mind or anything like that Because there is no such thing. I know such thing

[00:29:30] I am just Here to show me To you I'm here to Tell you that I'm here I'm here and I will be here for the whole hour And you can just let go Let go so I wrote a letter to Tires And I filled her

[00:30:07] Okay, so it was of course it was very clear to her that I had that I was in love with her because I was on her like glue and Not like the other guys that were that they were like very I've always thought that Boys are very

[00:30:34] Unshy in showing reaction and attraction and stuff I've never been comfortable sharing what I find beautiful And what I found find attractive It's a crinch thing for me. I feel I'm shy So I Was on her like glue but on I'm very like

[00:31:01] Have you ever thought about this Tires Tires have you ever watched the sun and thought to yourself I was trying to you know Impress her with my beautiful mind I think And of course I Didn't but

[00:31:20] Anyway, she must have known that I was in her because she asked me once What do you think of me? Like this very

[00:31:31] Teasing way what do you really think of me tell me and she just stared at me and I was trying to crawl out of my shoes because I I felt so embarrassed and I said well you You are a very Very appreciated

[00:31:47] Member of our little community here Tires and it's a beautiful thing that we can Coaxist not not too close but that we can coaxist like peers You know I was very I killed it And She Well, she we

[00:32:11] We split up for the day and when I came home I was like Curacing at myself because I I had the chance there to tell that you're the most beautiful person in the world and I really love you and I don't know what that means

[00:32:29] I am just like 11 years old and I don't know what love is and I haven't even kissed a girl. I don't know What what anything really is and? So I wrote her a letter and Where and it said like I don't really remember but it said like

[00:32:51] Tires you know damn well what I think about you like this very Very very harsh letter you know damn well what I think about you You're the most beautiful person alive Or maybe who's ever lived and

[00:33:12] I would love for I would love to know if you have the same feelings for me and the Maybe I left this check marks Let's check squares where she could check Leave a check mark if she liked me or if she loved me or maybe or no

[00:33:31] You know different options she could check in and then I found these plastic pearls that my little sister had for one of her necklaces You know the ones that you do yourself in kindergarten or in Well in school in the the lower classes and I I told her

[00:34:01] So I put some of the pearls in the envelope with the letter was going to go and then I wrote On the letter that the pearls are for your honor Sorry for laughing sorry I'm not supposed to laugh you're going to fall asleep

[00:34:24] But this is the case with fall asleep with Hendrick I'm going to do whatever I'm gonna What what happens happens so I had this Chivalry thing going on I think I believe that women would find it very very Attractive if I were like this mid-laged mid-medieval

[00:34:52] Medieval mid-laged night You know Curtis curses and Shivalresk Can you say that she feel filled with shivalry so I said that the pearls are for your honor, me lady kind of and then I went over to her mailbox It was in the evening summer evening

[00:35:23] No maybe springs it was getting brighter outside in the evenings but it was still getting darker And the feeling when I put the envelope in her mailbox and just ran home my heart going like a drum in my chest the cold air from the spring evening and

[00:35:51] there was this field this newly plowed field so it must have been quite late in the spring and this melt like earth soil and this very nippe air which just streamed down my air pipes like Sheely soup now not sheely like this bice but it like sheely

[00:36:32] feel as in cold I don't know how you guys can separate words that sounds like almost the same How do you separate Sheely from sheely? I mean how do you how do you do that? I mean do you have a six cents?

[00:36:53] Or not wait how many senses are there? Okay, I'm not going to go into that because I guess senses are like a very subjective thing. I mean you may have a seventh sense for the presence of bad podcast hosts for instance

[00:37:13] Maybe you're very sensitive to that and that's your sense as well. Okay So then I went home and I waited and I had this need for instant gratification

[00:37:29] So of course I couldn't just wait for her parents or something to pick up the mail the day before the day the next day So I called her on the landline we had no cell phones or stuff so I called her hi is tarius there Yes wait tarius

[00:37:48] It's someone on the phone for you No, not someone he he knew me the father and the mother they knew me Although this is very interesting. I don't remember them at all And I mean I was frequently at their house and I don't remember

[00:38:06] Anything about them the only memory I have Is tarius and her horse And the horse is there just because tarius loved it so much I think otherwise I wouldn't have cared at all about the horse But it's interesting how a person a small person

[00:38:29] Can just take over a whole family Memory wise It's it's actually beautiful I think it kind of touched now it's touching really that Little me could be so entered you know by another person That that another person could just step into me and say hi

[00:38:54] I'm gonna take a play take a broom here in you and I'm gonna be here now for the rest of your life I'm going to form the the The feelings that you have going into Relationships as you get gets oh as you get older

[00:39:15] I'm going to be here and form your view and How ever little you know I will be here and I will be in a ingredients of you for the rest of your life Because of course she's in a great in ingredients How else could I talk about this

[00:39:34] like this 40 years later so I called her and I said that Hello tarius how are you? Hello dear friend you know There's this thing I don't think I've ever told you but I work extra at the post office in the evenings

[00:39:59] And I just went out to my daily round and I happen to see that there's a letter for you In your mailbox dear Honored member of my My peer community She said what I You haven't told me that you work in the post office

[00:40:25] Do they even employ children? Yes, yes actually it's a You know this very elaborate lie that would be exposed like 20 minutes later if she would do would pick up the letter So it's a stupid thing. I mean I could I why didn't I just tell her

[00:40:44] I left an oath for you in your mailbox. It's about my feelings for you goodbye Why did I have to lie? I mean Because of course she said okay well I can pick it up tomorrow

[00:40:59] And I said well yes of course you could but it's a it would be I think you but would maybe Be very really relieved tomorrow if you picked it up now It looked interesting You know so I So

[00:41:19] I couldn't tell her that it was me who wrote the letter But I really wanted her to read it and to tell her that she felt the same And she said no I I don't want to go and pick it up. It's it's late

[00:41:36] Why don't you pick up the letter and bring it to me? And of course I didn't have the guts to do that so I said oh, oh, okay you can pick it up tomorrow Then I see you tomorrow at school bye-bye and we hung up and then I

[00:41:54] Of course And off the thoughts hit me I Couldn't wait For her to read it but the longer The longer the time went I Wanted to You know be free of the whole situation

[00:42:23] I got really nervous and really scared and I thought that what if she doesn't love me back And what if I really love her? Maybe this is just you know my youthful lust Talking her my mother had taught me that

[00:42:45] When you're a young man or when you're young You can just throw yourself into relationships and that could end in disaster She was very dramatic in that way and I really believed her in a way that as a young person

[00:43:02] I had absolutely no sense of what's going on so I've never thought that I was That I had all the answers growing up like many other young people in my friendship Group thought that they were like kings of the world

[00:43:23] No, I always had that thought in the back of my mind that I am young. I don't know I regret that in a way. I think that my mother did Didn't do me any service by telling me this and imprinting it in me because I I am

[00:43:46] I think I would have benefited from some sort of hybrids hybrids what do you call it Hebrews This is that's a Latin word, but it's used in Swedish as when you get like high on yourself hybrids, oh god. I know too little Okay, so Anyway, I'm

[00:44:17] Why drag it out? I didn't have the guts to Wait and see what Tarius had to say about the letter so I sneaked back in the night and I took the envelope back from her mailbox and I put it in a drawer in my room and

[00:44:40] There it was I Never showed shoulder the letter and I don't think she's listening listening now either I have actually made a Swedish episode about this One year back, I think And so there is a chance that she heard it, but I don't think so

[00:45:03] And then again why would that be anything weird or strange or fantastic in an a way? This happens to every single person growing up And I mean Tarius was the was

[00:45:17] Well, she was not the first actually when I was seven I felt deeply in love with this girl in the class above me called Linda and then that was actually really She was very mean to me. She hit me. I remember She actually hit me

[00:45:37] Because it was her job to teach me some Math or something are our teacher put us together in some sort of a group works and scenario where they she and her friend were going to teach me Math because I didn't understand and they hit me

[00:46:00] That was so that was my first experience with the love That love hurts, you know No, no, I'm Okay, so this episode is apparently about love so Then the years went by and Tarius faded away She went Away because she was in a way

[00:46:37] She grew up quicker than me When we started high school she was already like having a boyfriend and stuff and I haven't even began that journey so she was like dissolving away from me in a way And I don't remember thinking that was sad

[00:47:02] I had a lot of love interests in high school Always at a distance 99.9% of my love interests have been Unspoken and I'm knowingly loved by me And well it turned out all right for me in the end anyway, you know

[00:47:31] I found someone but the second one after Tarius that was like really major Was this girl called Lee and she was um My grandparents were square dancers So and me and me as well. I was I danced I was square dancing with my grandmother and grandfather my mother's

[00:48:01] Mom dad For like many many years I started when I was nine-ten and I and I stopped in my 20s when my grandma was too old to keep dancing and so we Grandpa just He didn't really like that so much he enjoyed the drinking I think in

[00:48:22] association with the dance but he didn't really like to dance Square dance to do square dance. He was more into like Yeah other old dances When you can just just genuinely touch someone and dance he he liked to touch

[00:48:45] People not not people in general. He really liked to dance with my grandma but only when he got to hold her I think I don't think he enjoyed this swirling running waving extra again to weigh that of dance that you do when you do square dance

[00:49:05] So me and my grandmother we danced for Yeah well ten years maybe more eleven twelve years and So it was at the party that We were this square dance convention in a Swedish small town called Vesteroos

[00:49:29] And afterwards we the all the adults. I mean they were almost no kids. I was like one of the few kids and I was 14 years old And we were this campsite. We're all the trailers people slept in trailers and

[00:49:48] There was this party and all the grownups where I mean I thought of them at the time as really really old people but looking back I think maybe they were my age like 4850 and They became really drunk and laughed and fell over and stuff and as a kid

[00:50:11] At that sort of event you get really lonely and then I met Lee she was another lonely child there And she was one year older than me maybe And we started talking and I immediately fell in love again. I think because she was the only one

[00:50:30] of a girl there Oh, now looking back I feel like I like practiced You know someone showed up and you know I practiced teenage hormones on this person So I was in love with her without she her her ever knowing it for

[00:50:56] 10 years I don't know it that was no one else 10 years Maybe until I was like 19 20 maybe she was Dating a lot of my friends and other people around me but never me and I was like the brother

[00:51:18] Actually could talk to me about everything and I cried my eyes out every night because I loved her you know and Of course you knew that of course and I think it was a Must have been a good feeling, you know Maybe some what about feeling of power

[00:51:41] but also I think I really Showed her that I would do anything for you and to have someone like that in your life is I mean it must have been growing up Must have been a really good thing you know I'm very safe and comforting thing

[00:52:02] Especially since I wasn't like Outspoken about my true feelings I wish just this Out out there I was just this very supporting brother like for you, you know That had that has tended to be the case with almost everyone I loved in my youth They really I

[00:52:26] They really see me as a brother They really saw me as a brother and Then something happened like I think it was around when I started drinking I was in actor school at the time and I started to drink because I my mom told me that

[00:52:48] Alcohol was wrong so I believed her for many many years but then after having studied at actor school for like two years I felt that like like oh what the heck I mean everyone is drunk here all the time and

[00:53:08] I got so left out and I really hated it So I thought that okay, I'm gonna try this I'm gonna give it a chance because everyone else tells me that this is the best thing ever

[00:53:21] So I had this little little cup of wine every time we had a party and of course Since I've never since I I had never drank before it just went right into my head and Of course almost immediately I Ask myself the question why have I

[00:53:42] Trying to avoid this my entire life Test the answer to everything I've ever wished for and in a way it was for real because I got over my I got over parks of my shyness I could I realized that I had needs that weren't exactly

[00:54:10] I realized I am a human yeah, that was it I realized that I A man that I Can love that I can be attracted That I could want you know and that helped me over the Over the edge so to speak in accepting that I am not this

[00:54:36] overly good monk person that can just wait for Be be a night in a golden armor and wait for the princess to just arrive I allowed myself and my life and my relationships to get a bit more messy you know There was this error of margin

[00:55:00] It was this room for mistakes that I allowed myself And that's alcohol that was because I started drinking Now I wouldn't Say that alcohol saved me in any way because it almost Destroyed everything in my life later on many years later but I I think that

[00:55:27] That drug really pushed me over the edge and Because I think I didn't have the guts to really grow up I think that child in me held on very very hard and made it difficult for me to Function in a grown-up world

[00:55:46] This is a bit sad to talk about I think but it's the truth And I will never go as far as to say that Alcohol saved my life for anything because as I said It went almost in the opposite direction almost

[00:56:08] And I believe I could have gone another way in liberating myself but now What happened happened and after that I I ended up having like Relationships I mean real Relationships where I became one part of the relationship not just one Longing

[00:56:34] Like figure standing and watching over her like I'm asked Guardian angel sort of thing But I Was yeah, I became a person a real person and I Met girls and I Had two relationships in Accelerated seriousness Before Nina and then Nina came and

[00:57:17] Nina was the first one I actually told That I really loved her before she told me And she was really scared and and Didn't because she was she was convinced that All relationships like just and in misery and And and I was so safe and

[00:57:49] Proud to be safe To become I wasn't calm. I was like really in love but I'm I was really What do you say? I was very confident That in myself There's nothing you can do I remember telling her there's nothing you can do that

[00:58:19] It's going to ruin me hurt me I am perfectly fine with me and I love me and the only thing I want to say is that You are you are a delight and and I have feelings for you and that scared her of course, but then

[00:58:39] One day she called me and she said I love you And since then it's been the two of us The thing is when she said I love you. I went really really scared I felt like oh my god, what have I started

[00:59:00] And that fear held on for a while Until it was like Have you ever realized Being afraid of something and then you just suddenly discovered that the fear is Not really anchored into anything. It's just there Like an extra layer layer

[00:59:29] It's it's just there like an extra layer And that it's just you can just pee it off Like the shell of a fruit And then there's just this whole other thing beneath That's how it was with Nina and then we had Harriet and Now I Almost never

[00:59:57] Think about Time when I almost died every day because the girl that I loved didn't love me back I almost never think about love in that way anymore and it's a sad thing to Not feel so strongly But at the same time it's just this very blissful thing

[01:00:23] Not to wake up every morning and die a little because The girl with a big g She with a big s Terias with a big t Doesn't love me back or I don't know She told someone that told me that she loves Manganus or something

[01:00:52] The world is a beautiful place and it is a beautiful place Even without those Great great feelings and I leave you with that Good night sleepy And I want to say one more thing I realize that this episode has been a little more

[01:01:18] I haven't found the words as much as I use To do it Can you hear it? I'm just not there Language wise But I'm gonna leave this up anyway It really scares me when I do this because I feel like I lost it, you know

[01:01:39] It's been fun for a while and now when the work sets in Then I don't have what it takes and I start to like Demoralize myself but I'm going to I'm going to Define my own stronger Strict yourself here And I'm going to

[01:02:08] I'm going to put this up anyway