A Gap Between Timelines

[00:00:00] Hi Sleepy, just a very quick note before we start today's episode. Do you want to listen to this podcast without the ads? Then you absolutely can. Just subscribe to Fall asleep with Henrik plus and to do so you can just click the link in the podcast description and it'll be fixed. See you there.

[00:00:23] Hi and welcome to Fall asleep with Henrik. I am Henrik and you are sleepy and it is what it is. What happens happens and right now there is nothing we can do. So let's begin.

[00:00:47] Hi Sleepy. I'm Henrik and this is yet another episode of the Falling Asleep podcast, Fall asleep with Henrik. The podcast that you don't really need to listen to. I am just speaking to you from Stockholm, Sweden, not knowing what I'm going to say.

[00:01:08] I haven't planned anything in advance, haven't prepared. I'm not going to edit anything out. I'm just going to speak to you from where I am at every particular moment that rushes through my body and my mind like an everlasting stream of consciousness.

[00:01:35] So thank you to the thousands of you who now make up this very diverse group of people called the sleepies and that is you. You're one of them and I am its gathering point in the ether.

[00:01:57] You can use this podcast either way. You can just tune out, listen to whatever suits you and the rest you can just let go of. If you fall asleep that's okay because I'm not going to say something that drastically changes your world or your life in any way.

[00:02:21] And I'm very open with that because it's, you know, any content out there is really claiming itself to be really good content and I'm not going to do that here.

[00:02:40] I don't know whether or not this is good or bad. This goes beyond those types of limitations. I'm not trying to do anything good here. I'm not trying to do anything interesting or mind-blowing or anything like that. I'm just, I'm just me right now.

[00:03:02] And as do you, if I were to decide. And I am right now because this is my podcast. So today I am in my studio, Adventure Wolf, and I am feeling it. The gradual oncoming of spring where I live.

[00:03:32] The snow is gone. The snow is gone. The snow is gone. It's been gone for a while now. And the sky is blue in a more frequent manner. And I saw a squirrel. They are active all year round. But I don't see them as much when I walk in the forest in the winter.

[00:03:52] It looked at me as if I were an intruder in their world, which I guess I am. Although one could tell this particular squirrel that this forest is owned by a person.

[00:04:10] The forest around my, well, I don't live here anymore. I don't live here anymore. But I record here and I have lived here. So the forest around the place where I used to live is owned by this noble family called von Peter Schiens.

[00:04:29] And I don't know what you call it. And I don't know what you call it in English, but the forests around these particular areas are, it's called something very particular in Swedish. It's called Fidekomis, which is a name for a piece of land or a piece of property or an object that is inherited.

[00:04:52] And you can't sell it. And you can't sell it. And only the eldest son in the noble family can inherit it. And I guess this type of ownership is a good way to keep value in a family over generations in the old days.

[00:05:08] Nowadays, we don't have very many of these left. I don't think it's legal anymore. But I think for cultural reasons, some of these pieces of land that are inherited from father to son over hundreds of years are still active here.

[00:05:26] And I don't know about the future of such phenomena. And I'm not sure I really approve. You know, if it were up to me, I think we should all just own the land together for some to some extent.

[00:05:54] But as far as just nature-wise goes, I think it's a good thing because then they can't build any new houses in the forest around where I used to live. And where Nina currently lives and so on.

[00:06:19] Whenever I'm out walking, I walk past this old mansion where noblemen have lived for hundreds of years. And I guess still are to this day. And it's a different type of life. Nowadays, I guess it's sort of a...

[00:06:44] I don't really think that noblemen really live in these draggy old buildings anymore. I guess it's more of a... Keeping up the building sort of thing. Because it's almost like a museum today. Any of those old buildings, I can't imagine they are easy to manage.

[00:07:08] I mean, imagine living in a house that's been standing for 400 years. It's a combination of new and old. And the teardown of such a place, I imagine, must be vast.

[00:07:31] So if I were to be rich one day and then buy a summer house, I wouldn't buy a great big manor in the countryside. Even though the thought allures me, you know. Imagine owning an old mansion from the 16th... No, the 18th century. I mean, that would be amazeballs. Sorry.

[00:08:01] So what have you been up to, Sleepy, this past week? I have been at my old... Well, I have been at my parents' place. Although I wouldn't call it my parents' place. Because they live in this retirement home, I guess you could say. But it's for... Also for people who can manage themselves.

[00:08:29] But need access to a nurse or something. If something happens. And my mom has been very ill. So... But she's well now. Better anyway. But they're getting old. My dad is turning 78 this year. And my mom is 75. And there...

[00:08:58] My mom has trouble walking. And... My dad has had two strokes. And my mom has also had one stroke. And... Now, don't you run off and... Feel obligated to write me letters warning me and say that this is... Inherit... This is heritage. You should watch out. I've already... I'm already ahead of you. And... The reason my dad got his stroke is because he had...

[00:09:29] These... I don't know what you call it. But it's when the heart is like... Beating very unregularly. He had this extra nerve on his heart that... Pushed his heart to... Do like... Even more work. And then... That's stroke inducible. And my mom had very... Very, very, very high blood pressure. For many, many years. And she never went to check that. Even though we told her to. And...

[00:09:59] This is what happens. I don't really know... What it is with people of their generation and older... That makes them so unwillingly... Going to the doctor. I don't know... Why they don't check themselves more frequently. Because I... I'm 49 years old and I go like... At least once a year and do a full body... Checkup. And... I... I intend to do that even more often... As I get older.

[00:10:30] And... When I say these to older people... They say... Well... You know... That's just futile. Because... When you die, you die. Yeah... I know. But... If... What if I could... You know... Avoid getting a stroke? I would like that. Even though I know that I will eventually die. I would love to... Live a long and healthy life. I don't know about you, sleepy. But it's...

[00:10:57] I'd rather live a full and wealth... A healthy life. Did I say wealthy earlier? I meant healthy. I'd rather live a long and healthy life... Than... A long and... Sick life. You know... I guess that's... That makes me unique. Because... Apparently... My parents don't think that.

[00:11:27] It's sort of a let-go attitude... That... Maybe I will... Find out what that's all about... When I get older. But... Right now I'm just... Baffled... By the... Ignorance of how to treat your own body. At least I would like to know. Well... I just... Well... This is many years ago. But I... I... Made... A DNA test... To see if I... Were the carrier of...

[00:11:57] If I am the carrier of... Any disease. Or if I have a... Any genetic predisposition... Predisposition... To... Develop any disease. And... People say... That I would never do that. Me... I... I could never do that. People say. Because I would... I don't want to know... If I carry something awful. And I can relate to that. But... At the same time... What if you find out... That you carry something awful...

[00:12:27] And then you can do something... To limit the... The progression of it. Or even... Avoid it altogether. I just don't get... Why you... Don't... Want to know. Or if it's... Unavoidable. Nothing really is. But what if? You know? You know? Then you can prepare. You know? You can develop a mindset that... Goes with... Whatever... State you're in.

[00:12:57] Anyway... I don't carry any... Known... Traits... That... Puts me in any greater risk... Of developing... Stuff. Well I have... Two gene variants... Associated with celiac disease. But I don't have celiac disease. So... Well... That was... One of the things... And also...

[00:13:27] I have one gene variant... Associated with... A disease that... Makes the body... Take up too much iron. I don't know the... The name for it. That was very diffuse. And I don't... Take up too much iron. So... Well... For now... I'm off the hook. Anyway... The greatest risk factors... For a man my age... Are of course... My heart and my blood... My blood veins.

[00:13:58] And... I... Try to take care of them... As much as I can. Anyway... My parents have been married... For 50 years. And... We were there... All our... Me and all of my siblings... Except for one brother... Which I've talked about... At great length... In the previous episode... He wasn't there...

[00:14:28] But... The rest of us were... We are six children... And my mom... And my dad are... Yeah... They've been through... Stuff... You know... So we were there... Celebrating their... Anniversary... And... It was nice... At first... It was... It was... Kind of awkward... Because... Well...

[00:14:57] I don't know how to put this... All of us... Siblings... We're... Not much alike... At all... But... Underneath... We are... Almost like... The same... So we have... Very different... Perspectives... On life... And... We live... Very different... Set of lives... And... We have... Different opinions... And... We don't even...

[00:15:27] Really... Hang out... Much... I... Can't really remember... The last time I saw some of them... It's been like... Maybe more than a year... In some instances... So... And we've been brought together by... The aging of our parents... Really... Because when we were younger... We didn't have... Any connection at all... At least some of us...

[00:15:58] So... And that's sad... And I think my mom... Think that's very sad... She's very... She has this idea... That we should be a clan... Of people... And believe me... I would love that... I would really love to be... A member of a clan... Uh... Place... In space and time... And... Where I... Can feel... That I belong... To something... To a context... Greater than my own...

[00:16:28] Universe... We are... This clan... We always... Got each other's backs... We always... Plan for the future together... We have this place... Where we... Gather every summer... And we... Have fun with our... Partners and our... Children... And let them play together... And... But we don't... We... We... We don't... And... I'm sad about that... But I think that my mom is... Even sadder...

[00:16:58] So she was... Thrilled to see us all together... I don't know why we haven't... Really bonded... When we were children... I mean... Since we are six people... Six individuals... There is... There's a very great... Age gap between me... I'm the eldest... And then... Patrick who's the youngest... It's... I mean... I was 16... When Patrick was born...

[00:17:27] But we have had... A great... Childhood... Together... Many of us... I think that... Being... This family with... Very much hardship... I mean... 50% of us are... Dealing with some sort of... Great... Big illness... My sister's got this heart disease... She was born with it... And...

[00:17:56] My brother whom... I don't have any contact with... Is... Suffering from hearing loss... And he also has this... Kidney failure thing... And... On top of that... He's... Well... I think he's bipolar... But... I don't really know anymore... It's very up and down... With him... And he just... Vanishes... From us... And he hates us... And then... He...

[00:18:25] Loves us... And he idolizes us... And he... So it's very hard to... Keep track of the... Flows of emotion... Anyway... He's... Angry at us now... I think... So he don't want to be... Part of... The celebration... And that's fine... I sound bitter... I know... I think it just makes me sad... In a way... Because I'm... And I feel guilty as well... I guess that's an...

[00:18:56] Oldest... Type of problem... You know... The eldest child in a family is... I feel that I'm... Somewhat... Responsible for... How his... Emotions goes... And I'm not... Of course... Because we're both... Grownups... I mean... He's over 40 now... And... And... Yeah... Anyway... It was fun...

[00:19:24] I had my daughter with me... And she was bored... Out of her teeth... In the beginning... But then she just... Melted... You know... Adapted to the situation... And started to... Teach... Some of the... Other women there... About... Her makeup routine... And she was... Really happy to do that... Because she's really into this phase right now... She's 13... With... Where she... You know...

[00:19:53] Just... Tries to find her own style... Makeup and... Fashion wise... And it's... Well... It was great to see her... Talk about that... With other people... Than just me and her mom... Because... I mean... Frankly... I don't really... Take... Too much interest in... Makeup and... Jeans and stuff... I try... I try to be... Interested... But I'm really not...

[00:20:22] And sometimes I feel like... I can't... I can't really do this... That's a problem with me... I am... Very... It's very easy to make me feel stuff... So... If the world is a... Is a... Is a worried... Room... Then I get worried... And... And... Harriet comes up to me... And she wants to... Hear my opinion on this piece of...

[00:20:52] Jewelry or... A bag that she... Thinks she likes... But she don't... Really know why... And... She's also worried because... She has this social conscious... And she saw on TikTok... That the people... The manufacturers of this bag are... Not nice to... Whatever... Group... Of animals or people... And then she feels guilty for liking the bag... And... And... It's... And... Then I can...

[00:21:19] Sometimes I have this urge to just scream that... I don't give a freaking ass wipe... The world is a turmoil... Can you please... Stop watching... TikTok clips about... 14 year old people... Telling you what not to wear... But then again... I don't... I never do that... Of course... Because... I remember what it was like... I remember being 13 or 14...

[00:21:47] And I was really into Star Wars... And I told my dad about stuff... That really just... Applied to... People that... Were very into... To the Star Wars universe... And he wasn't... Of course... He didn't care... He is a librarian... And he... Is very... You know... He has a very... Refined... Taste in stories... And literature... And... He thought that... The Star Wars saga was really just...

[00:22:17] A variant of an old... Tale... You know... An old folk tale... With... Good and bad... And a very... Clear distinction in between... So he wasn't very interested... And I... But I didn't care... Because I needed to talk to someone about it... And I also had this urge... To teach him... And I can see that in my daughter as well... She wants to teach me about... The stuff that she's learned... And that's... Nice... I mean... That's... Beautiful...

[00:22:46] And I remember... My dad... Really didn't give a... Flying ass wipe... Because that's an expression... You know... A flying ass wipe... But he listened anyway... And I could tell that he was uninterested... But... That didn't matter... Because he was... My dad... And I wanted to teach him... You know... I wanted to force my knowledge onto him... And I don't think anything of it stuck... And he said...

[00:23:15] In later years... That both him and my mom... Was really tired... Of me trying to talk their heads out... We... In Sweden... In Sweden we have an expression... That's sort of... Roughly translated into... Talking a hole in someone's head... So that was what I was doing with him... And that is... What my daughter is doing at the moment... I guess Nina...

[00:23:45] Her mother is more... Open to that type of... Subjects... But I just... Really... I would love her to come to me... And talk about... You know... Emotions... Or... Existential things... That would be lovely... And... I would love her to confine in me... You know... The stuff that's not really...

[00:24:15] Possible to put into words... But she's not in that... Phase right now... And I need to accept that... And I really love her... You know... Regardless of course... And I... I think that... I get to... I get to learn stuff... So for instance... The fashion trends that were... Very... Hip... During the early 2000s... They're back... They're back...

[00:24:45] Apparently... And... Everyone looks... Like... Everyone in Harriet's age... Looks like... When I were... Were a young adult... And... I'd just moved to Stockholm... And... We started working in children's television... And... So people really look like the bands... And... My colleagues at... At the Swedish state television... At that time... And that's sort of a nostalgic thing... I kind of like it...

[00:25:14] But I can't ever talk about that with my daughter... Because... Of course she knows... That it's... Y2K... Is what they call it... So this is Y2K... But... And she knows it... But Y2K is... Not an actual... Year... Or a decade for her... It's more of a... Mindset... And that mindset of course is... An invention of her generation... Not... Not... The people... Who were young... In the... Y2K...

[00:25:49] So... At a distance... Right now Sleepy... Through the walls of my studio... I can hear... Three... Street Swipers... They are... Equipped with... Giant blow torches... To... Blow away all the gravel... On the road... The gravel from the snow... And...

[00:26:17] Although I really approve of their doing... Right now... They are sort of at a... Sort of a distraction... And I... I'm worried that they will come here... And... That I will need to pause the episode... And... Wait for them to go away... Because they will... You know... Destroy the recording... I'm trying out a new mic right now... So... I'm not sure whether or not... You will be able to hear them... I don't... I know you don't...

[00:26:46] Right now... Because... Right now they... They're silent... They are walking... I know there are three people... Because I walked past them... When I got home from my walk in the forest... And... They are... Um... They look happy... They look content... And...

[00:27:32] Um... And... Oh my god... It's so much... Emotions... When having a child... So... I mean... I did... I... I... I just realized that being 13... Is like this... Major thing...

[00:27:59] Everything is messed up... Everything is just... You know... Upside down... And... Everything changes... From one second to the next... And... You don't really know anything... And you change your mind... Frequently... And there's so much sadness... And so much... Joy as well...

[00:28:28] And so much hope... But also... A lot of despair... And I... I really think it... It's... Heartbreaking to be... A bystander... I mean... Because... As a parent... You are not just a bystander... You are also a part of this... And... I remember... Now... What it was like... Not to know anything... And...

[00:28:57] Frequently... Falling into self-loathing... And I would say... That... My daughter is really... Yeah... She's... She's not too deep into it... Yet... She has... Like... Very long moments of... I think it's clarity... But... Then again... The psychosis...

[00:29:27] Of being a teenager... Just takes over... Like... For instance... The fact that... You could never be on time... Like... Never... Ever... Ever... Like... It's like time doesn't apply to people her age... It's like time is just... A thing that... Grown-ups are dealing with... But... Doesn't apply to her... So... I tell her... We need to go... Within 10 minutes... Yeah... It's... That's... It's a lot of time... She says...

[00:29:57] And she starts dealing with her own stuff... And then I say... Now it's 5 minutes... Yeah... Yeah... I know... I know... I will... I will... I will be ready in time... And then I say... Now it's 1 minute... Okay... Are you ready? Yeah... Yeah... I'm ready... I... I'm just ready to go... I'm just waiting for you to tell me to go... And then there's... 1 minute next... After... And I say... Okay... Now let's go... And she says... Yeah... Of course... Wait... I'm just gonna do this thing... First...

[00:30:28] And I... I'm saying... No... You don't have time to do that... You... You... You should have done that... When I said there was 5 minutes left... And she says... Well... I didn't... I didn't think of it until now... And then I don't wanna be the... Parent who just says... Now you come on... Because I'm... Not gonna... And it... It was... It was... Oh... God... Sometimes...

[00:30:56] Language is... Hard... It would've been different if... She could... You know... Just take care of herself... But she needs me still... To take her places... And... So then I'm... Or like... Bad parent... You know... Angry... And I'm sighing... Like... Passively... Very aggressive... And she says... Are you... Angry? And then I said... No... Of course... I'm not... I'm not... I just wish that you could...

[00:31:26] You know... Prepare on time... And then she gets angry with me... And she says... God... Relax... Man... Relax... You're so uptight... And then I feel hurt... Because I'm doing this for her... And I'm not showing her any of this... I guess she notices anyway... Because... You know... Because of the... Passive... Part of it... But it's... Yeah...

[00:31:54] And it always... Almost always... Ends with us... Just having to run... And being angry... And stressed out... And so... Most days begin with that... Top type of sentiment... And then... It's like... Then I have... Maybe an hour or two... Where I just feel... Totally blank... Because it's... I mean... Imagine what it's... Like for... You know... A grown up...

[00:32:24] That has other stuff to do... Like... I can escape into my work... And I can think about... I can meditate... I can do all sorts of things... But she doesn't have that option... So... Her day starts with like this... Very stressful... Chaotic moments... And then... She needs to sit in a classroom and... Learn stuff...

[00:32:52] Coming from the mouth of a person... That are... Named... Teacher... And... Just... Says stuff that she needs to memorize... I think it's a weird... Weird type of life... I hated school... I really hated it... It was... Boring... And...

[00:33:21] Mind-numbing... And... Disasterous for my mental health... Of course... I guess I benefited... Some... From the routines... I think everyone really needs... Routines in their lives... And... I guess that my despair... Going through... Especially... End of middle school... High school... Were like... Well... Not high school...

[00:33:51] The end of middle school... When you're 13... 14... And 15... I think it's called middle school... In... Some sort of... International... Phrases... So... My despair... Got helped by the routines... I think... Because it's... You need to find support... And my dreams were like... Almost dependent on...

[00:34:21] My schedule... So whenever we had... Like... Gymnastics... When we were out... Walking in the woods and... Stuff... My dreams just... Got wings... And just fly... Away... And I just walked in the forest... And... Imagined I were an elf... On my way... From a secret mission...

[00:34:49] In the world of the humans... To my own world... And that... Escape... Gave me the strength... To make yet another day... I think... I was... Bullied... In school... And... In Swedish... I've been talking about this... Extensively... But I don't know... Whether or not... I've mentioned it... In my English podcast...

[00:35:19] And why not... Why wouldn't I do that... You know... Why don't tell the whole world... About me being bullied... In school... So I'm... Different... I... I were different... When... I was a kid... My parents didn't do... That type of work... That the other kids' parents did... I'm from a small village... Where many people worked with... Worked in the woods... Like...

[00:35:48] With timber... And stuff... And... Also in manufacturing... And... And... And so on... Some farmers... And... My dad was a librarian... And my mom was a stay-at-home mom... Until she... Needed to get a job... And then she got a job as a librarian as well... So... I'm brought up... With words and books and stories...

[00:36:17] And... They also converted into Catholicism... When I was 10... And that of course was a major... Major different path... From the path that the other parents took... There were no... Religious people in my village when I... Grew up... And... I'm not saying that religious people are the... Are better for... For us...

[00:36:47] In any way... I think maybe... My childhood took... I took a lot of damage from... Religion in my... Youth as well... And my parents are partly to blame... Because of that... They... Gave me this dogma... That I've been fighting with for... Too many years... And... I don't know really what to say... Except... They've... Forced that upon me...

[00:37:17] My mom forced that upon me... Because she was... Very religious... And she thought that... That was the right thing to do... And I'm not blaming her... I'm just telling you... You know... Parents make mistakes... Parents make mistakes... As am I... You know... But... So the routine... In school... Were... Yeah...

[00:37:46] It was a good thing... But I had lousy grades... My grades were... Almost non-existent... And it went fine anyway... I say that to my daughter... Whenever she's worried about grades... I'm telling her that... They don't mean anything... And I know this is an... Unpopular thing to say... In Sweden right now... There's this... Great... Hunt for the...

[00:38:16] Perfect grade... I mean... School-wise... Because... The narrative goes that... Without good grades... You can't get in anywhere... You're left behind... When society rushes on... And I don't know... Maybe that's true... I just know that... Almost everyone I know... That has... Created something of value... In society... Had bad grades in school...

[00:38:45] And... That stands for something... I think that... The grades... Are a reflection of... Like this very conformity... Type of view... You can't really put a... Term... You can't really put a... Value on knowledge... Because knowledge is such a vast... And differentiated... Field of... Yeah well... Knowledge... You know...

[00:39:15] Everything I've learned... I've learned... After school... Maybe... Maybe... Like basic math... Or reading and writing... That's... That's the school... You know... I... I wouldn't have been able to read... Or write... Or do basic... Calculations... Unless... I... Unless I... Had gone to school... But that's about... It really... Everything I know...

[00:39:44] That makes me a productive part of society... Is stuff that I've learned... After school... And... I don't know why anyone... Won't just admit... That this is the case... I'm not saying that we should abolish... School... Or anything... I don't have a better solution... But I think it's... Very flagrant... That... This is true for... So many people...

[00:40:15] You go through school... And you're not made... To be there... Physically... You're physically made to... Play and... Ritualize... The world... You're supposed to... By doing... Learning... The ways of your... Particular... Group of people... By trial and error... And play... And games...

[00:40:45] And... And... And... On top of that... You're like this... Can filled with hormones... That just... Bounce... All around... And... That doesn't make it... That doesn't... Make it easier... For you to learn either... I think that children should be... In a totally different type of school environment...

[00:41:15] I think... Kids should be on... Like summer camp... All year round... And... Depending on what age... They are... Depending... What age they are... They... Should be... Treated... Different... With different types of contact... With the grown up world...

[00:41:43] And especially when you're a teenager... I think... I mean... Just the fact that... Teenagers biologically need sleep... Need to sleep... Late into the day... You know... Staying up late... Sleeping... That's... That... It's just not... Due to the... Late bedtime... ... Late... Wake up time... It's not about that... It's...

[00:42:13] I think... Biologically... Mandated... Of a teenager... To sleep longer in the mornings... And... I think it's... I'm not... I'm not one of those who say that... Since biology is this way... We should always do... This way... I'm not saying that... But it's... I think it's stupid... To demand people to learn... What particular year... A particular king were... Thrown off... His throne in...

[00:42:43] What particular city... When you're a... Hormone-filled... 14-year-old person... That... Can't... Different... Different... That can't tell the difference... Between... You know... Themselves... And some... Girl they like... In 9th grade... Okay... So that wasn't very... Verbal of me...

[00:43:12] But you know what I mean... Right? And you can change my mind... If you want... I mean... Maybe there are stuff... That I'm not considering... Maybe there are... Aspects of this... That I don't... See... I just remember... School being... On top of me... Being bullied... Also this...

[00:43:45] Long... Cruel... Waiting game... Where you... Hid... In your hands... Or in your... Shirt... Just to get away from it all... Just to wait... Until it was over... So that you can go home... And dream about the one that you loved... You know... Or what were you... Going to be when you grow up... And...

[00:44:14] It was like... An everlasting waiting game... But with this... Deep... Glowing magma veins... Within... And you were sitting at this... Desk... That could very well be... The very edge of the magma vein... And... Feel the warmth... And the allure of the...

[00:44:44] Of the magma... Glowing deep within you... Rushing forward... And... It was like you were a... Part of this... Ongoing... But never... Ever... Manifested... Volcanic eruption... Where you were only in this... Suspended... Beginning of it...

[00:45:14] That never really took off... So the next time... You see a teenager... Just trying to crawl into itself... Because they do... They... They... They are like snails... They just... Withdraw... Because they need... Space... They need space... And they need time... And they need play... But they need play on their terms...

[00:45:45] I mean my daughter's old school... From... Where she changed... Like... They had... They had this imposed... Type of group activities... That were like... So obviously coming... Coming from the inspiration... Of the teachers... And the administrators... In... On the school... One of them were... There was a slogan... And it was called that... That our school... Rocks...

[00:46:15] Like... Who even uses that expression... Nowadays... My daughter were like... What... It's like something from the 60s... She said... That's not... And it... There's not... Very... Accurate... In terms of... What time... People use the words... They rock... But... It's an old expression... Right? It's... It has no value anymore... It's... To use her words...

[00:46:46] Cringe... And even cringe... Is an old word now... She realizes that... But she uses it anyway... Because it's... Her generation... And... To then... Impose... The students of your school... To use this slogan... That our school rocks... But in Swedish... That's just... Awful... Maybe it's better in this...

[00:47:16] New school... I don't know... I hope so... But most of all... I hope for her to just... Be done with it... It would be so... Great... If she were to be just... Set free... On the words arena... I mean... It's... It's tough to think about...

[00:47:44] That nine years of your life... As a child... Because that's what they are... They are... They are children... Nine years... You... Sit... At a desk... You listen to stuff... You don't understand... You hear people... Telling you stuff... That you don't care about... You... Get thrown around... Between different emotions... And... Aspects of being a... Person looking for himself...

[00:48:13] And... Then you're just out on... You know... The vast field of being a grown up... And then life can... Some... Somewhat begin... I think it's an old way of looking at... Humanity that... We need to... Prepare for being a productive member of society... I think that's an... It's an old... And outdated way of looking at a person...

[00:48:42] Of course I still realize that you need to contribute... You need to be able to... Pay for your... You know... Life... Your family... Or whatever... And you need to contribute to society... As a member of... Said society... But I think that we can do that in so many more different ways... Than just... Sit in school and learn... Dates of different... Kings... And their...

[00:49:12] Periods of ruling... And I'm not saying that that is unimportant... But I think it's a time... There's a time for everything... And the time to learn when there was peace between... Sweden and Denmark... At any particular time... That's not something you need to know when you're a teenager... When you're a teenager... You need to know... How to read... How to write... How to do basic math...

[00:49:41] And you need to be a good person... You need to know... How to behave around other people... You need to love yourself... And to feel safe... Being yourself among others... That is what I think school should be about... When you're a child... Not about... Algebra... You know... There's a time for everything...

[00:50:08] And I'm not saying that any of that is unimportant... It's just... Wait for it... You know... I... I... I noticed that I tend to go back to this... Again and again and again in my Swedish material... Apparently I feel quite strongly about this... And of course I do... Because... It's almost like I'm back... Back in school... Right now... With my daughter being that...

[00:50:39] Not back in school... But in school... And she has it so much better than I... Had... Because... Yeah... The bullying... I remember being afraid... Every day... I remember being sad at the end of every day... I remember sometimes being so sad that I couldn't talk...

[00:51:08] That I couldn't open my mouth and... Telling... Telling... My family... What I was going through... Although I... Almost always did... At some point... I always shared... And that's... One of the reasons I think that I... Got through it in one piece... Because... The people who didn't... Put their experiences into words... Their whole worlds...

[00:51:36] Tended to collapse in on themselves... And... That's very harmful... That's truly harmful... So... I was harmed... During my years in school... But I made it out alive... And... I'm also... Whenever I am... About to say... The F world... The F word... Like...

[00:52:05] In healthy... I tend to do the lisp sound... In... I tend to use it... Way... Ahead of the actual word... Where I need to use it... So... I am also healthy... Was what I'm... What I was going to say... But then I used the... The lisp sound in also... So it's... Al-fo... Because I think about the healthy... The... The lisp sound in healthy...

[00:52:33] It's remarkable how difficult it is... Sometimes... To fantasize... And improvise... In another language... So as I was... Preparing for the dinner... With my parents... This weekend... We were... A lot of people... All us... Siblings... My daughter... And... My siblings... Kids and partners... And...

[00:53:03] We sat around a table... And my mom... And my dad... They didn't say anything... And... Neither did any of us... And it was silent... And then I felt like... Okay... So I really need to get out of here... Because this is so... Awkward... We're like strangers... None of us really want to be here... Neither my parents... You know... They were also exhausted... Because...

[00:53:33] They'd been up... Like... Almost all night... The night before... To just prepare for this... And my sister... Who... Had... Like... The practical responsibility... Because she lives in the city... Where they live... She was also very tired... So I could tell that... My parents... Especially... Were... Not really... Up to the task... Of socializing... So I... Felt... Responsible... Like I do... Being the eldest son...

[00:54:02] So I started to... Talk and talk and talk... And ask questions... And... Introduce... Toasts and stuff... And then... After a while... I noticed that I didn't need... I didn't had to work... That hard... Because... Well... For some... Alcohol... Loosened their tongue... And... Even though I have... I could say...

[00:54:32] A lot about... Drunk people... At dinners... I... I'm really grateful... For that particular moment... To turn into... This more relaxed venue... When people were just talking... And then I realized... That I didn't need to talk... So I could listen... And just be quiet... For a while... And that was really nice... And then... All of a sudden... I... Discovered that I...

[00:55:00] Actually had a good time... And my daughter... Had a good time... And my parents... Were enjoying themselves... So... As siblings... We gave a long speech... About... My dad's... And my mom's... Respective... Haplo... Haplo lines... Can you say that in English? It's like this... Genetic branch... That... You're... A part of... And since I've...

[00:55:30] Though doing... DNA testing... I know what... My... Haplo lines are... From my mom... And my dad... And... That's cool... So... I'd written a... Long speech about... Their... Imaginary... Well... Because... We... Don't know... Really... Who were before us... But... Based on... Archaeological... Evidence... And DNA... Science...

[00:56:00] I could... You know... Extrapolate... Backwards... About... What people... Were... In my mom's... And my dad's... Lineage... So... I did... Sort of... Imaginary portraits... Of people living before them... Up until now...

[00:56:29] And... My dad started to cry... Because he was so touched... And that was amazing to see... And... My mom... It's hard to tell... But... Then after... We... All our... All us sons... We're four... Four sons... So... It was three of us at the party... We... Danced... With our mom... Because she... Wanted us to do that... She wanted to dance with her sons...

[00:56:56] And my sister danced with our dad... And then... All of the... Rest of the gang... Joined in and danced with mom and dad... And... That was... Very beautiful... And then I played... Violin... Because my mom wanted me to do that... I haven't played in 30 years... I just bought a violin... Because I wanted to... Take up violin... Again... But I can't play... You know... But it's...

[00:57:24] Weird how much of it is still... Present in my mind... Because I haven't played... In act... In... Like actually played a violin in... More than 30 years... But it's... Still there... I just need to wake it up... So I play the violin... And my brother... Brothers... They played... And we... Performed for them... And... Before you knew it...

[00:57:53] It was night... And... We went home... Me and my daughter... To the hotel... And... I actually had a very good time... From... Being... Kind of this awkward... Silent place... Me and my siblings... And my parents... We just found our way... Back to each other... For this one night... And... I don't think... That... This will develop into... This other type of relationship... Where we... Finally become the clan...

[00:58:22] That our mother wants us to be... But... It was nice... It was sort of a gap... In between timelines... Where we had this one night... Together as a family again... And... It was nice... And... I miss them... I miss being a child... Surrounded by siblings... At the time... I...

[00:58:52] Probably wanted them to go away... But now... I can think of it as... This very intense... Never boring childhood... And... I'm sad that I haven't... Given my daughter a sibling... At the same time... I'm happy... Because when I was a child... I... Hated the fact that I had siblings...

[00:59:23] But now when I look back... I think about it as... Yeah... Talking about school... It really taught me stuff... About me... And... About relationships... And... The feeling... The everlasting feeling of... Not really being alone in the world... So now that feeling is harder to keep at bay... The feeling that I'm alone in the world...

[00:59:53] And... For that... I'm sorry... I'm sorry that I don't have... Better connections... With my family... And...