Who's Holding the Camera?

[00:00:00] Hi, this is Fall asleep with Henrik. It's not really a podcast. It's more like an ongoing experiment in talking until something happens or doesn't. You are not supposed to follow along. You're supposed to drift and let me be your messy mind for a while.

[00:00:21] There is a Facebook group, if you want to feel less alone in the drifting. And I'm on Instagram, TikTok and YouTube, if you ever feel like seeing what this voice looks like. Or you can write to me, send me a DM in any social media really or go to fallasleepwithhenrik.com if you want to reach out. Now, let's go.

[00:00:53] Spare bis zu 30% auf deine Sommertickets bei Disney's Der König der Löwen. Nur für kurze Zeit unter musicals.de Hi and welcome to Fall asleep with Henrik. I happen to be Henrik and you happen to be sleepy and this is what it is.

[00:01:19] What happens, happens and right now there is nothing we can do about it. So, let's go.

[00:01:50] Hi sleepy. Hi and welcome to my humble abode. This is for you who's just pressed play and wondering what this is. This is just, you know, this isn't anything really. I'm just going to talk and I'm not going to prepare beforehand what I'm about to say. I'm just going to press play and as you can hear, I am Swedish.

[00:02:20] Well, maybe you can't hear that I'm Swedish in particular, but I am not by English or any other English speaking origin. But I've come to know that my English is okay. Thank you.

[00:02:40] Those of you who have pointed that out over the course of these 60 plus episodes, this is actually, I think it's my 63rd or 62nd episode. I'm not sure right now. But I've been doing this for over a year now and the initial goal that I had to reach 1 million people before the end of the year was kind of an overestimate.

[00:03:10] I haven't reached 1 million people, but then again, I kind of knew that. I wanted to see what, if I just aimed really high, what would happen.

[00:03:25] And I think that what actually happened is that people, well, I think that I, by the ambition of reaching 1 million people, I think that I actually reached you. Does that sound weird? I reached you sleepy. And that was the whole point.

[00:03:52] Me and you here together right now, that's kind of like the whole point of it all, isn't it? Me, Henrik Stål, a 50-year-old boy-dude man in Stockholm, Sweden, and you, a sleepy. And that is really all I know about you.

[00:04:19] Feel free to send me letters, DMs and emails telling me about you. I would really love to hear from you. I really do love it when it arrives.

[00:04:37] And it's a thrilling, tingling feeling when I'm in this period now in fall asleep with Henrik, when people are actually starting to do this, sending me testimonies of who they are.

[00:05:04] And it's great. I'm sorry. I have kind of an issue talking. I don't feel very inspired at the moment. I feel, well, uninspired. Isn't it cool? Isn't it cool? Isn't it cool? When you say stuff, when you aim for it to sound elegant and well-formulated and then it's just blah, you know? It just comes out.

[00:05:36] Like, I wanted to say stuff like, on my journey, I am right now at a crossroad, you know, or whatever. And the inspiration, the muse of inspiration are falling from grace, from the silver lining of clouds. And, but I didn't say that. I just said, I'm not inspired at the moment because I am uninspired. And in a way, what better way is there to say that you're uninspired?

[00:06:06] Okay, so today I am uninspired. Now let's see what that leads me. I guess there's so many things that annoys me at the moment. Like, nothing really feels right. The surface beneath me, like the chair I'm sitting in, the state of mind I'm in. There's no harmony.

[00:06:33] There's no parallel lines, you know? It's a crisscross and mismatch kind of situation going on within me. And, I mean, that's fine. If you told me that you had that particular situation, sleepy, I would say, then wow, go for it. Just be in that and just prepare for a bumpy ride.

[00:07:01] There's this attraction, this carnival attraction, or what do you say? It's a merry-go-round. No, it's not a merry-go-round. What am I? 195 years old? Merry-go-round. What is it called? It's called a roller coaster. A merry-go-round. Back in my day, when I was grown up, in the mid-twenties, that is the 1920s,

[00:07:31] then the merry-go-rounds was the brightest and best of all the attractions in town. And as children, we gathered around watching the horses, the elephants, and the balloon. Yeah, we watched all sorts of phenomena carrying us around, around and around at a very low pace.

[00:07:57] And we screamed and we screamed and giggled out of excitement. No, it's a roller coaster. It's one of the older roller coasters at this amusement park here in Stockholm. It's called the wild mouse, which is sort of what it is.

[00:08:21] The carriers are adaptations of what it would be like to split a mouse open and just sit in it with seats and safety constructions and then just go at a wild ride. And the mouse, it's drawn in the front of the carrier, like a happy mouse face, which is kind of morbid, don't you think?

[00:08:49] So you find this great big mouse, big enough to fit four people. And then you just, well, I guess you unalive it. You must, because if you're going to put it on a rail, I guess it's something that you need to do. You can't have a live mouse on a rail with people in it. That would be too weird.

[00:09:15] The mouse would have suggestions about whether or not this is a suitable position for it to be in. So you need to unalive it. I'm sorry to say this in a sleeping podcast, Sleepy, but you probably know by now that this is not a traditional sleeping podcast. I tend to talk about whatever, you know, whatever comes up.

[00:09:37] And that means I am now talking about mice, split open mice on a rail in an amusement park in Stockholm, Sweden. And there's nothing really you can do about it. And I'm sorry. But as life, stuff happens to you and it's not always convenient. And that is my aim. No, that's not my aim. I don't know if I have a name.

[00:10:05] I don't know if I have a name and I don't know if I have an aim. I don't think I have either. I have neither. I don't have a name and I don't have an aim. That's a good title. I will try to remember that when it's time to name this episode.

[00:10:31] Anyway, the wild mouse is like one of the older roller coasters. And it's kind of fun. But at the same time, it's one of the more scary types because it's older. And so it's not a smooth ride.

[00:10:55] You know, it's kind of tosses and turns you around and you fall and then you rise. And then it makes quite sharp turns. And as in life, that's not very convenient, is it? So I always get scared when going on the wild mouse. But I've done it so many times now that I kind of learned when to expect the feeling that,

[00:11:22] okay, so this mouse is going to tip over and just fall out into the arpegulag. Okay. Because now we've come to the place in Fall Asleep With Henrik where Henrik struggles with the English language. Archipelago. That was the word I was looking for.

[00:11:41] So Stockholm is built upon islands and around it there's this great archipelago spreading out. And it's beautiful.

[00:12:00] But nevertheless, I don't want to fall from an unalived, morbid version of a smiling, happy mouse into the archipelago, regardless of the beauty of said archipelago. So now I've said the name archipelago like one million times and that's enough. Just one more time.

[00:12:31] Archipelago. Yeah. So most of my surroundings here where I sit is, well, this is summertime. So now it's lush. It's green, different nuances of green and blue because of there is so much water. So Stockholm is consistent of parts of the city being built on islands.

[00:12:58] And Stockholm is actually, if you break down the word, it's like, oh, how am I going to translate this? So stock, it's the name in Swedish. It's stock. It's not something that you stock. It's the name of timber.

[00:13:24] Like, yeah, so you put, yeah, and Holmen, Stockholm. Holm. Holm is the name of, oh God, what is Holm? Yeah, it's a small half island that reaches out into the sea.

[00:13:44] And the stock, like the timber, is that you needed initially because this was like very swampy, watery ground. But it was at the perfect, the perfect angle between the ocean and this great lake called Mälaren.

[00:14:12] So it was an important road in and out of Sweden. And, well, Sweden wasn't a thing at the time. Not the way we know it today anyway. Isn't it fun that I'm now actually trying to teach you history? Although I don't know anything about history, I could practically make up stuff here. I would probably get, like, yelled at for doing that.

[00:14:41] And I really think that people in my position, people that have other people's ears, we have a responsibility to promote facts. But this is not a podcast that is, like, sole aim is to provide facts.

[00:15:04] My podcast is, God, my English today is, I'm sorry, sleepy, I'm sorry for putting up with me. I'm really grateful that you're here, though. So, what I wanted to say is that, okay, so I have a responsibility not to lie and to trick people into believing stuff that isn't true or isn't proven or is just a hunch that I have.

[00:15:32] I'm really allergic to that kind of content production anyway, just telling people about hunches. But I believe that you can do it if you don't do it under the premises of this is me stating facts. This is a sleep podcast, so you can do with this material whatever you want. You can just leave me on in the background or you could, you know, listen to me very carefully.

[00:16:03] So, listen to me very carefully now, sleepy. None of what you hear in this podcast should ever be considered true, proved facts. I am a storyteller. I am an imaginative person. I am not well read. I don't know much. There is nothing really special going on.

[00:16:30] Nothing that you need to admire or look up to or follow or whatever. I am just this other person on planet Earth that happens to be here at the same time as you are. And that's all. So, I might say stuff that's not true. Stuff that's partly true. Stuff that's, yeah, you know, so totally untrue. And sometimes the lines will blur.

[00:17:00] And as you do when you dream, this is the point. So, I can talk about the elephants of Stockholm. And you wouldn't know really whether or not this is actually a true thing or something that I'm just making up as I go. I make this up as I go. I don't know what the elephants of Stockholm are.

[00:17:22] I mean, there have been elephants here, but they have been part of, like, yeah, part of stuff. They're not natural inhabitants of Sweden. Can I just put it out there? This is a very, this is sort of like almost a joke now.

[00:17:43] But when I was a kid, people asked me, like, whenever I got in contact with someone from abroad, like, someone from the US that is, in Europe, they tend to have a better understanding of the climate and the fauna and flora in Sweden. And I'm not saying that all Americans do not really know what Sweden is like. But I have had questions earlier back in the day.

[00:18:12] And nowadays I get them sort of as a joke because I guess it's a very established prejudice thing that we have polar bears in Sweden. I mean, we so totally don't have polar bears in Sweden. It's, I don't know why. I guess they could walk, they could migrate from the North Pole down.

[00:18:42] I mean, I guess at some points there have been ice sheets that could make it possible to migrate from the North Pole. And I don't, I don't really know how far up the sea goes or anything. Anyway, so I don't know anything about geography either, as you can imagine. So we've never had a polar bear in Sweden. If we have, then I stand corrected. But we haven't. The temperature series in summer wouldn't be very beneficial for a polar bear.

[00:19:13] It's polar bear. It's not a polar bear. Wouldn't it be cool if you could have a polar bear? I guess that's the case. Every time you have a bear within the polar circle, one of the polar circles. No, so we don't have polar bears. They are not walking the streets because they are really, truly dangerous animals.

[00:19:40] And to be frank with you, we don't really have dangerous animals in Sweden. I mean, at all. I mean, maybe domesticated dogs are like the most dangerous animal in Sweden. Because they are like, there are so many of them. And statistically, some owners would have done a bad job in keeping the dogs.

[00:20:08] Well, I'm just going out on a hunch now. Maybe, what is the most dangerous animal in Sweden? Oh, I mean, of course, we have like snakes. We have one poisonous snake. And for most people, it's just fine being bitten by it. But some people are allergic. So, what's the English translation for hugorm?

[00:20:38] Hugorm is the name of this Swedish snake that is the only poisonous snake in Sweden. It's like the word hug is like stab. So, stab snake. That sounds like the nickname of a criminal in a musical. Oh, watch out for Mr. Stab Snake. He'll always let you down.

[00:21:08] Watch out for Mr. Stab Snake. He's the cruelest in this town. Watch out for Mr. Stab Snake. He isn't what he seems. He'll gut you when you're sleeping. And he'll listen at the screams. Sorry. I'm so sorry. This is a sleeping podcast. What am I? Whatever am I doing?

[00:21:38] Okay. So, that was that. Yeah. We also have like bees and wasps and stuff. And they could be dangerous. Potentially dangerous for people who are sensitive to their particular poison. But I've been bitten and stabbed and stung by all sorts of animals. In Sweden, throughout my whole life, as do most Swedes. And most of us are fine.

[00:22:05] I'm not saying that everyone, but most of us are fine. So, we don't really have dangerous animals. And it's such a vast country. We are very tall, so to speak. Not as a population, but as country on a map. We're very narrow and tall. And there are like 85% just forests.

[00:22:34] So, you don't really run into dangerous people either. I mean, of course you can. There are dangerous people here as well. As it is in every place on the globe. But we don't really have like, it's not regardless of some media outlets. There is not, Sweden is not a dangerous country to live in.

[00:23:01] I would go out on a limb here and say that it's one of the safest. Still, although that the opinion and both domestic and abroad is now being sort of pushed into a field of like, we are very unsafe here. We are losing control and we are very unsafe. And I don't see that.

[00:23:25] Maybe that's because I'm a very privileged man living in the capital of Sweden and just feels safe in all ways. I don't know. And I'm not going to make this into a political thing. But let me just put it out there that there are things to gain from having a world where people are angry or afraid.

[00:23:54] And that doesn't just apply to Sweden. That applies everywhere. Angry and afraid. I would say that anger really is a good starter. But you really need to turn that engine off. Because it can't run forever. It's like a booster shot, isn't it? Anger. So you can sit at the kitchen table and you can just feel, I can't.

[00:24:23] Now this is enough. I'm not putting up with this anymore. And you can slam the top of the table with your palm. And then you can rush out and do something. But as soon as you start to do something, then you really need to just, okay, so how do I do this? Should I do this? You know, it's hard to be human. And I'm feeling uninspired.

[00:24:51] I got so inspired there for a moment that I forgot that I am uninspired. And I was talking about the wild mouse. Not the actual wild mouse that inhabits my thoughts frequently. But this morbid version of a happy, wide open mouse with screaming human apes in it.

[00:25:22] Wouldn't it be weird if we could communicate with mice and we could just say, do you know that there's an attraction? A ride at this center of Stockholm place in the middle of the islands where people are just going there for fun, to eat and drink and go on rides and watch artists perform.

[00:25:49] And they have this attraction, this roller coaster. And it's a mouse that plays the main character in this roller coaster. And the mouse is so happy. Actually, there are several mice because there are several carriages, carriers attached to this rail. I don't know how many, but there are four people into each carrier.

[00:26:19] And why am I talking about this ride? Okay, so I, this is how I work. This is how my brain works. I give myself a job, like create this, do this. And then I sit down and I start. And often it starts out very slowly and weirdly.

[00:26:46] And all of a sudden I can't really remember what I was set up to do in the first place. And then something gets just pushed into reality by accident. Like for instance, this talk about the crowd. No, the, yeah, the crowds at this amusement park are humongous.

[00:27:15] Can I talk about a humongous crowd? I haven't really been a fan of crowds throughout my life. I guess no one really is a fan of crowds. It's cool to see crowds from a distance. And the imagination of a crowd. Like for me, if I imagine all of the sleepies together at the same place,

[00:27:44] it's now around 10,000 people in total. That's a small number, but I mean, compared to me being just one, it's freaking amazing. It's freaking amazing, Sleepy. 10,000 people now from all over the world stands there gathered like a crowd. You know, that imagination. Oh God, it's, it sweeps me off my feet. Sorry.

[00:28:14] It just struck me really hard. Like this is the case. What would it be like if we were in the same venue? What would it be like if I got to talk to you directly and you were just there and you could answer me? I mean, my God, that would be beautiful. And also kind of scary. Anyway.

[00:28:44] So the mouse. I'm telling the mouse about this particular attraction with its species as the main theme of the attraction. And the mouse, who in this example has the ability to ask me questions and reflect upon the answers. The mouse asks me, why have they chosen the mouse? Well, the attraction I answer is called the wild mouse.

[00:29:15] Well, let me stop you right there for a moment. This very articulate mouse says, interrupting me. All mice are wild. Well, you could claim that there are domesticated mice, but that simply wouldn't be true. Because mice aren't really possible. It's not possible to domesticate a mouse.

[00:29:40] You can't get a mouse to, you know, come to you when you're calling or stuff. You have food. And that's the only reason. Food and boundaries. And that's the only thing that keeps the mouse loyal to you. Because we're really not loyal. If we're being kept in a house or in an apartment in a cage.

[00:30:04] I think that you should put a headline above all animals that are domesticated. And the headline would indicate if that animal is truly, in the real sense of the word, domesticated. Or just pretending to be domesticated because of food, you know. Or other benefits. Like, for instance, our main enemy is the cats. Well, as far as humans go.

[00:30:34] Cats are our main enemies. I don't really know about enemies. Because I'm a mouse and my brain is the size of a, like, your pinky finger nail. And the number of neurons in it is, like, very, it's still impressive. But very small compared to yours. So I don't really know anything. I don't really know what I'm talking about, what the mouse said. And look at me. Confusion in its eyes. The illusion is about to break.

[00:31:04] And the mouse is about to just be plunged back into oblivion again. And, okay, so while we still have this conversation, mouse, what do you mean? Well, domesticated are not. Dogs, for instance, are domesticated. Cats are not.

[00:31:30] They just pretend to be domesticated because they need you to believe that they have chosen you. But they haven't really. They do whatever they want. As do mice. But we can't because you keep us locked up. So that was my whole thing about wild mouse. So this mouse is, of course, it's wild, but it's in captivity. Isn't it true? And I say, yes, yes, of course.

[00:31:59] But wait, there's more. This is not just a captive mouse. This is like several kind of huge mice. Kind of huge mice. They are, like, big enough to fit four grown-ups. And what do you mean fit? Says the mouse. It's nose trembling in caution.

[00:32:29] Yeah. I told you it was going to get worse. I say. So these mice are unalived. And I say unalived because it feels better to say that in a sleeping podcast. As a matter of fact, they're, if they're, I mean, it's an illusion. They have never been alive because these are not real mice.

[00:32:53] These are plastic, wood and metal and paint that are being shaped into the form resembling a mouse. But it's not a real mouse. But for the sake of it, we say that these are dead mice on a rail. No, no, no. No, sorry, sorry, sleepy. I'm not going to go that road. Travel that.

[00:33:21] I'm not going to travel that road with bare feet and nothing to eat. No, I'm, I'm going to stay with the version where I tell the mouse that these are plastic, wood and metal mice. These are constructs.

[00:33:48] What's the difference between a construct and a being? I mean, if you're a religious person, if you believe in a creator, then you could very well be a construct. I mean, you are in a way then because it's someone or something's plan that created you, a.k.a. constructed you.

[00:34:20] So are you religious, sleepy? I guess most people, regardless of origin, would say that, well, I'm not per definition opposed to religion. I grew up with the sort of aspects of religion and I just don't really know.

[00:34:47] And I just haven't really got a chance or ever felt the need to explore this deeper. But then again, there are people that have this like the air they breathe. Sweden is a very secular country. So we don't really, we have. I mean, it's a country with values and systems built upon the Christian faith.

[00:35:16] And, but it's, it's a very clear separation. It's a very clear distinction between state and church. And as it should be in any democracy, I believe. I believe. But it's very easy for a Swedish person to never, ever interact with the church at all.

[00:35:43] Or any religion or any God or any deity whatsoever. I know that these circumstances don't apply everywhere. I guess I get a lot of emails from, especially people in the US, elderly people that tell me that sometimes when I talk about religion, they don't really approve.

[00:36:10] And I wouldn't say that this is a particular US-based problem, but I guess religion is like more in the mother's milk, you know, over there, over at your place. And I don't oppose that. And I'm not trying to trash talk religion. I'm not trying to trash talk anything. This podcast is not about trash talking.

[00:36:40] Sometimes I find myself trash talking and then I try to mitigate it and just slow it down because it can be fun. It can be really fun to hear someone trash talk about something. But this is not my purpose. And if I do eventually, or as it happens, I do. If it happens, then I want you to know that no, no, I don't, I don't mean any harm. I don't mean any, I don't know anything.

[00:37:08] And I guess that's one of the pillars about my life in general in this podcast. Most definitely. Honestly, I don't know anything and I want to keep it that way. At least as far as this podcast goes. I am really very ignorant.

[00:37:33] As we all, I guess, there's this wooden bedside table in front of me. I've put a lamp on it so that my face will be lighted.

[00:37:53] I am recording this episode and I'm about to make like short snippets of what I'm talking about and put it on social media. People are telling me that podcasters are rushing towards video.

[00:38:11] And I always get very skeptical when I hear stuff like that, especially when it comes from companies that would truly, really benefit from, you know, people believing the actual statement.

[00:38:30] Like, I've read these reports that people more and more listen to podcasts on YouTube and YouTube being a video platform is like, yeah. So it's hand in a glove. Like, of course you need video. But in my experience, and of course I am one person, I don't really know. And this podcast isn't a video podcast. It can't like, why would you want to watch me before you go to sleep?

[00:38:59] Maybe you would. Then tell me if you want. But I have this gut feeling that this is just, you know, words. Why would you want to watch two people talk about something while you are riding the subway or going on a hike or trying to fall asleep or, you know, having a boring Sunday? Why would you want to watch two people sitting in a room talking to each other?

[00:39:29] I don't get it. They can have all the interesting stuff to say in the world. But it, that wasn't correct English, was it?

[00:39:42] All the interesting stuff in the world to say that then I would want to listen to them while I do stuff, you know, not just sitting, watching two people talk to each other. That's, I mean, that's the definition of boring, but maybe I'm wrong. Anyway, I am doing this.

[00:40:11] I record five episodes and I will release short snippets of it. And it's just so that there will be video in case I'm wrong, but I'm not going to publish the whole episodes. At least I don't think so. We'll see. I don't know anything. So this is this beautiful. I wish you could see it sleepy.

[00:40:41] It's a beautiful, bluish, greenish, very old nightside table with drawers. I think it's four or five drawers. And it's built to look very ancient, but I guess it's not really ancient.

[00:41:07] I guess it's built made of like driftwood and stuff. And it's very sloppy painted, but beautiful flowers. The iron parts of, like for instance, the handles of the drawers are rusty metal. It's very beautiful and it gives me a sense of calm.

[00:41:37] And I wish I could put it in something so that you can see. If I haven't already, I will one day publish a tour of my studio, Adventure Wolf, somewhere on my social media so that you can watch. Or maybe in the Facebook group. I don't know. Maybe I have by the time you hear this episode. I don't think so though.

[00:42:07] I think I'm going to be on vacation when you hear this episode. I am recording like 15 episodes of my Swedish and my English podcast so that I can have a month without recording. I'm kind of tired of me, you know. I'm kind of tired of my own voice. And I know that this won't be the case if I stop doing this for a month.

[00:42:35] Then I will kind of feel, enjoy. I will enjoy the process again. And I'm not saying I'm not enjoying this. I do sleep with it. I really do. It's just I'm not enjoying me as much. And that's kind of an obstacle when I'm trying to create. Anyway, so when you listen to this podcast, I will be somewhere in Sweden. And I will be barefoot.

[00:43:05] And I will probably be with my daughter. And we will do stuff together. Probably I will do a lot of stuff that I don't want to do like on my own. Like go to shops and look at clothing and stuff. But I will do it because she loves it. And it's fun to see her brows.

[00:43:33] And she's still at an age where she kind of loves hanging out with me or loves, I don't know, likes. She tolerates me. And sometimes I even feel that she, yeah, that she loves it. That she needs me. And I know that this will, it will not stay this way forever.

[00:44:02] And I'm trying to enjoy it. But at the same time, it's hard to be, you know, frequenting stores where I kind of really start to hate humanity in a way, in a hobby way. You know, people pushing and cramming together in small venues just to get their hands on combinations of cloth, you know.

[00:44:33] And I start to think about humanity as a whole and our relationship with clothing. And I mean, how much of the forces in play at play in this fashion venue where I go with my daughter, how much of the forces I witness there, the cramming, the intensivity,

[00:44:57] the sort of competition of measuring each other's and one's own body in the dressing rooms, but the fitting rooms, but also, I mean, amongst each other. And it's a place of sort of anger, fear, enthusiasm, and also, I guess, self-loathing. And also, it's a fun place.

[00:45:29] I'm not saying my daughter truly, underneath it all, hates it or despises her own body or whatever. However, I genuinely feel that she loves it. She loves being there. And then I also love it. I don't care, you know. But I look at the crowds and I'm trying to identify if these forces are ancient, as ancient as humans.

[00:45:58] Or if it is something new that has sprung forward. I'm not saying that one thing is better than the other. I guess it's equally. I mean, it's bad for me, but that doesn't make it true that this is a waste of time and space. It's just me, you know. I mean, I have a hoodie on today. I look like a... I don't know. I don't look like anything.

[00:46:30] I always hate my body when I go clothes shopping. I have so many issues with how I look. And sometimes I wonder when will this end. Will I go on like this for the rest of my life?

[00:46:51] Like, feeling this low-key sadness about aspects of my body that doesn't fit my own criteria. Why? It's such... I mean, it's such a waste of time. It really is. Because no one will ever judge me. I have... I have a good life. I am loved.

[00:47:17] I am surrounded by a society and friends and family who cares about me. I don't need to convince the world that I am something that I'm not. Still, I tend to like go around wishing for me to be better shaped. Yeah, that's it. I want to be shaped like Adonis, you know.

[00:47:49] I want to be shaped like one of these... Those great Greek marble statues, which actually weren't white to begin with. It's a common thing to think when you think about ancient Greece. I don't know if this is true or not. I just read it somewhere. Or... Or... I've seen it maybe somewhere.

[00:48:14] I need to remember to say that it's not only about reading anymore. For me and for many of us, I guess. I guess that when you say that I read somewhere, you might as well have watched it somewhere as well, you know. So I read or watched that people...

[00:48:42] No, the statues back in ancient Greece, they weren't white. It's time has made them white. They were colored in all sorts of exciting, vivid colors.

[00:49:00] So when you go to Greece and you go walk around through old 4,000 year old remnants of, you know, theaters and government buildings and other culture places, then you should know that these white sunburn pillars weren't white originally. They were colored in like this amazing patterns.

[00:49:35] Yeah, okay. So that was facts delivered by yours truly. Now I'm going to say something completely untrue. And you're going to have to give me a moment because it's hard to say something that is completely untrue. I mean, you could say something just from the top of your mind. Like for instance, eggs are normally not blue. But I mean, who knows, right? Maybe there are blue eggs. There could be.

[00:50:04] I don't know. So to say something that I know is untrue is... Yeah, that's hard. That's really hard. That's even harder than to say, or at least equally hard, to come up with stuff that I know is true. 100% true. So I guess the only thing that I can really say that I know is untrue is...

[00:50:32] Being me is nothing. Right? Being me is nothing. There's no experience in being me. There's no... There's nothing. There's no me. So that question could be widened. You know, there is no me. Yeah, okay. So we can debate that.

[00:50:59] What is this sense of self that we carry around? But I mean, there is no me being me. That's more appropriate way to put it. Like there is no me having a sense of being me. Okay, so that's also not correct.

[00:51:22] So it very well could be that there is no me having a sense of being me. Because the sense of being me could be had by anything or anyone or nothing or several.

[00:51:47] So there is no experience of being me. That's... Yeah. So now we've come to as close as we can to formulate this statement that we know is untrue. Well, rather I know is untrue. Because as far as you're concerned, this could very well be just an illusion as well. Can it not?

[00:52:19] So one thing I know is true is there is something being me. I mean, I'm not saying that there is something being me. Like there is the cowboy on a square on an island in the Mediterranean that is being me. I'm not saying that there is anything being me.

[00:52:48] I'm saying being me is something. And I know that's true. Because that's really the only thing I know is true. And at the same time, I can say that the only thing I know 100% is untrue is that being me is nothing.

[00:53:15] Yeah, this is deep shit. Sorry. I have this memory from when I was a teenager. I've told this to several people and only one person have really kind of understood what I mean. My parents, at the time when I told it to them I was a teenager, they didn't understand it at all.

[00:53:45] I guess that's the point of having a teenager. You shouldn't really kind of understand them. There are big blank spots on their map spreading out, covering the whole world eventually. And then it may be melting away when there are grown-ups so that you can see some places on the map again. Okay, anyway.

[00:54:14] So I had this great anxiety crisis when I was 18, 19 years old. I had just been accepted into acting school in Gothenburg, Sweden. And by that, my dream had come true. I mean, it was very hard to get in, to be accepted.

[00:54:39] And I had yet to discover that that was a hard road to travel. That would be a hard road. So I was just ecstatic. This was the summer before I were to start. And then one night I had a dream. Because I was going to move home, my family home. I was going to live by myself for the first time in my life. And also my dream had just come true.

[00:55:06] So I remember having a dream. I don't remember the details of it, but I remember that I was lost in it. And when I woke up, I was equally lost. Does it relate? Can you relate, Sleepy? If you can, please tell me, because this is an interesting phenomena.

[00:55:34] And I haven't yet met anyone else that have experienced this in the same intense way that I did. I mean, people go through changes. People go through crisis in identity and life overall. And I had just been accepted into my lifelong dream of being an actor. And this was about to be true now. And I was 19 years old.

[00:56:03] And I had this dream where I roamed the streets of my old town. And I was totally lost. And it was a nightmare. But not a nightmare that you wake up from. It was a nightmare that just continued. And just continued into the day, really. So I woke up and I, of course, I could recognize stuff. But it felt like I didn't. You know? It felt like everything was different.

[00:56:31] And that it had been different in a very uncomfortable way. In just a fraction of a second, everything that was me was ripped away. And I couldn't find it again. Anything that made me happy. Anything that made me comforted and calm. Everything that soothed me was gone. Totally gone.

[00:56:58] And I went into my first prolonged state of anxiety. That has since been a recurring thing in my life. And it always comes together with change. It's so much easier today to deal with it than it were when I was a kid. But it's still hard.

[00:57:22] And the thing that baffles me is that it's so strong and it comes so fast that I'm almost never prepared. Sometimes I can think that, okay, so this will probably lead to one of my episodes. And then I can deal with it, you know? So that is what I mean when I say that it's easier today. I know what it is in a way. But still I don't. Because I keep dropping the words.

[00:57:48] I keep dropping the words to describe what I'm going through. And this was the first time that this happened. And I freaked out. I mean, it's one thing to feel lost. But it's another thing to be scared of that lostness. That being lost. I panicked, I guess. But I didn't know where to run because I didn't know what the problem was.

[00:58:21] I feel so sorry for him, that teenager. Anyway, so I went to this summer camp as a leader. Me and my dad had this habit of, in the summertime, we went to this old train station in a small village in Dalarna. In Sweden.

[00:58:48] And we were responsible for the summer camps within the church community. And so there were a lot of kids and youth there. And I were like their theater teacher, so to speak. Meanwhile, I was going through like almost a state of panic, like every day. It was really hard.

[00:59:14] And I felt that it was such a shame because I was so happy, you know. I was going to get admitted into the school where I wanted to go for at least 10 years of my life. And now I was a mess.

[00:59:35] So I remember saying to my mom, one of the things she asked me, I mean, can you describe what's wrong? And I really couldn't. But then I said that it's almost like I am me. Like this is me. I am what I am. I go through this life.

[01:00:03] It's not that I am losing sense of what a person is and what a floor is or losing my way to the car or to the toilet. It's not like I am confused in a literal sense. It's deeper. It's like I have forgotten who is holding the camera.

[01:00:29] And my mom, she just, I mean, imagine having your child giving you this deeply existential crisis thing just one afternoon. She hadn't the tools to deal with this as neither did I, you know, or my dad. And today I would say, okay, if this happened to my child, I would say, okay, so let's explore that.

[01:00:56] Let's not shy away from it and be scared of it because it's scary, I know, but it's still you. I mean, the only thing we really can do is to just explore it and see what happens. But that didn't happen at the time.

[01:01:17] And there's only been one other person in my life that has at least kind of experienced or expressed not just, okay, when I say this. What do you think it means, sleepy?

[01:01:44] It's related, I think, today, as a grown-up, I can think that this is related to the question about what is actually the only thing that you know is true. And that is, there is something being me. But who is having the something, you know? What is this me that are experiencing being me? That have this experience about being someone, namely me.

[01:02:14] What is that something? Or someone who is holding the camera pointed at my experience. Yeah, that was it. I so wish that I could have had qualified discussions about this as a kid, but I couldn't. I was so lost. But I'm so glad that I'm not anymore. At least not in the same way.

[01:02:47] These moments of being lost, they still frequent my life like uninvited guests. They are always uninvited. But I'm working on creating them, creating a space for them so that they are always welcome. Maybe they can have their own room in me to just make noise and remind me that nothing is finite.

[01:03:17] Nothing is done or finished. We're, you know, amazing. Yeah, I e ntoni. I want to, uh, because it's open to me, I think it is easy. But I shall explain. Let it go. Okay.