In this deeply personal installment of "Fall Asleep with Henrik", the host Henrik Ståhl openly shares the formative experiences and psychological struggles that have shaped his life. Rather than focusing on superficial storytelling, Henrik delves into the profound impact that his sister's and brother's serious childhood illnesses had on his own development as a young boy.
Throughout the episode, Henrik reflects on the anxieties and perceptions of danger that were instilled in him during his upbringing, as his parents grappled with the challenges of caring for severely ill children. He examines how these early traumas manifested in his own battles with addiction and self-acceptance later in life, while also acknowledging his mother's understandable attempts to protect her family.
Henrik's delivery remains vulnerable and unguarded, as he navigates themes of fairness, the nature of the self, and the complex legacies we inherit from our parents. Listeners are invited to join him on this introspective journey, as he wrestles with the ways in which our environments and circumstances can profoundly influence our identities.
Though the subject matter is at times heavy, Henrik's candor and self-awareness provide a refreshing counterpoint to the often idealized narratives around childhood and family life. By embracing the nuances of the human experience, this episode encourages the audience to reflect on their own personal histories and the resilience required to overcome life's challenges.
If you're seeking a sleep aid that forgoes generic relaxation techniques in favor of a deep, contemplative listening experience, press play on this episode of "Fall Asleep with Henrik" and allow this charming Swede to guide you through an exploration of the complexities of the self.
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
[00:00:02] Hi, and welcome to Fall asleep with Henrik. I am Henrik, and you are sleepy. And it is what it is. What happens happens? And right now there is nothing we can do about it. Let's begin. High sleepy and welcome. This is if I haven't mentioned it before,
[00:01:06] a podcast that you don't have to listen to, you could just press play and let me do my thing. And eventually drift off. You don't need to fall asleep. Per se, you could say, way, you could paint, you could travel, you could do whatever you want, really,
[00:01:27] or you could lay down and close your eyes. The only thing that is really throughout my podcast episodes is the same is that I don't prepare what I'm going to say. I just talk and that I do so in my own way, in my own manners.
[00:01:48] So there you have it. This is a weird podcast and I don't edit anything out. And I do this for about an hour each week. So here I am. Just I just fell down into your arms like from a nearby tree.
[00:02:10] And you'll have to deal with me now. But you can put me aside. That's what I mean. You can put me aside and you can do whatever you want. I don't need you to listen to this if you don't.
[00:02:27] If you want to think of something else, it's totally fine. And don't worry if you don't follow my thoughts, because very often I don't either. Follow sleep with Henrik is the English version of my Swedish podcast, some not med Henrik, which means exactly that, follow sleep with Henrik.
[00:02:55] And I've been doing this since 2018 and there is a few hundred thousand people each month that falls asleep with my Swedish voice. And I thought that I want to reach out to the world. Life is too short, not knowing.
[00:03:18] Life is too short to be dwelling in the not knowing part of your life. I want to know if what I do resonates with you, a listener in another country. Next up, I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart
[00:03:37] to Anja and Paloma and Jade. And a whole bunch of other people who have reached out to me on my social media, follow sleep with Henrik on Instagram or YouTube or written reviews on the podcast platform that you listen to.
[00:04:07] And so, this means so much to me, especially you who reach out and tells me about yourself. So early in the beginning of my English version of the podcast journey, I really feel it's essential for me to get to know you.
[00:04:29] So please reach out, tell me what you think about the podcast. Tell me about you. Tell me where you are in the world. Tell me about your life. Tell me stuff that you're comfortable with sharing of course. I don't want to know everything.
[00:04:49] It's but I mean, so that I get a sense of who you are and why you're using my podcast. I try to avoid using the word listening to my podcast because I feel like listening the word listening demands something of you.
[00:05:13] And of course, in order for you to process the information, I've just sent you from the past, from the past in ancient Sweden. I send you this information. In order for you to process that ancient information, you of course need to listen, but it's not necessary.
[00:05:39] I think that we're all in this day and age to use a terrible phrase. This day and age, I just really don't feel comfortable with saying it. And still I keep using it. I don't know why.
[00:05:54] In this day and age, we are overwhelmed, I guess, most of the time with messages, messages of all kinds and in all shapes and forms, different agendas behind the messages and some of them
[00:06:17] lines with our own views and someone, some of them are just the opposite of our own views. And most of them are just noise, you know? So I am making this podcast as an anti-content thing. So it's a bit of a brain tease, you know?
[00:06:45] Because of course I want to be listened too. Of course I want to grow. I want to be spread around like what you call that, Fedsumeite, that was really in the sandwich spread. I want to be spread out like Veggie-Mite,
[00:07:10] but I still want to, you know, I still do this mainly for you, I think. Because it's, I could think of like 100,000 ways of creating real content. But I feel that I like we don't need more content, that says,
[00:07:38] this is the best thing that has ever happened to you. I am the wisest guy in the world. I am either new sleep guru of the world. Please come listen to me, I will make your day. That is not what I want to do.
[00:07:57] Yet still, I want to grow. And I want to be spread out like Veggie-Mite, on a juicy sandwich, shown a sunny afternoon. But so there are two main roads here in this project for me. So for instance, I advertise this podcast a lot right now
[00:08:25] because I want to grow. And in the ads, I am very confident. And I'm telling you, like, this is the way, you know? But it's not an ally in the advertisement. I do. I can't say anything. It's true. Or, well, I don't lie because the truth is,
[00:08:50] I don't use any false claims or words in my ad. But it's a very pointy version of reality. Like, I come across as this sleep guru in the ads. And that's simply because that's how ads work, I guess.
[00:09:13] I can't just say, if you want to listen to someone who just talks and doesn't really make an effort and just tries to be authentic, I guess you need to already be a listener to be like encapsulated in the podcast to really appreciate that.
[00:09:37] But so, so you're here now. I might as well come out and say it. I am what I am. What you hear is what you get. And what you see on my social media channels is what you is also what you get.
[00:09:55] I think that my main purpose with all everything I do, at least in this day and age, in my life, is to make you feel that you can just let go for a while and let me be your messy mind for a little while.
[00:10:17] I mean, I can't take over everything. I wouldn't even if I could. But it's, I want to tell everyone that it's okay to be like this very unconfirmed, verbally dreamlike, fussy, noisy human being that you are.
[00:10:46] I want to tell you that there are no real truths or messages that can apply to everything. Everything is like a fog living in the world is like a fog, at least it's a case for me. I have never really felt totally anchored.
[00:11:16] Well, now when I sit here and I talk to you, I feel anchored. I feel put in place and it's a nice feeling. But I know that as soon as I end this recording and go out of my studio
[00:11:34] and up into my office and starts to schedule this podcast episode, I will be in the fog again. And sometimes the fog is a very scary place, I guess. But sometimes the fog is exciting. You never know what you're going to come across in the fog.
[00:12:03] You can meet like this wonderful person or you could just find an opportunity that just lies there. No one else sees it because it's a fog, you know? So you can be alone with this unimaginable. Ah, God, I can't speak. This unimaginable,
[00:12:27] fantastic fact that you've come across just like that. If you're moving in a fog, you also escape the very limited and punishable, punishable. No, it's not punishable. It's a punish that adaptive is punishing. That it context that everything is in your hands.
[00:13:00] I don't really believe in standing in front of the mirror every morning and telling yourself that you're a beautiful human being because it's like you don't know what the day is going to bring and positive reinforcements. It's a mental process rather than just something
[00:13:24] that you do just to do it. What if today I am not a beautiful person? What if today I am not a successful person? What if today I am a failure? This could happen, you know? We are all of the things that we can call ourselves.
[00:13:49] I am a great person. I'm good looking and I'm fantastic. I'm creative. I'm funny. I'm deep and I'm creative. Did I say that? Creative? I don't remember. But I'm also a failure and I'm a disappointment. And I'm ugly.
[00:14:18] And I'm all of that, but still I am a person. And I think that when we watch ourselves as this lump of clay that is supposed to be formed into succession each and every day, that's a very punishing state of mind.
[00:14:48] And there's a lot of people on social media telling you how to be the best version of yourself but I think we should really aim to just be ourselves and not try to be better or worse or anything. You're good enough even when you're a freaking awful person
[00:15:16] because you can be an awful person, it's in our nature. I've been an awful person. Okay, let me count the times I've been an awful person. Let's see. So it all started in 1975 when I was born. I was born in the 70s.
[00:15:36] It's like I have lived and experienced not full decades, but still. I think it's six decades that I've been here on Earth. Like I can't even imagine six decades ago that was the 70s. That's, I mean it's crazy.
[00:16:05] How can I have been here for six decades when I'm only 48 years old? How can I, it feels like I suddenly grew 20 years older. Okay, but I talked a lot about my aging anxiety last week. So I'm not going to bother you with that again.
[00:16:27] Thank you by the way for all the kind words about last week's episode. I am a little bit stressed out now because I feel like I need to do an even better episode, because that last week's episode was by far my
[00:16:51] most acclaimed one so far in my little podcast journey in the Queen's English or whatever version of English. I'm using maybe not the Queen's version of the English language. I hear sometimes from people that I think I'm from Iceland. I'm not, I'm Swedish.
[00:17:19] I was born in Daulakarlia, which is like this very, well many Swedish people have a lot of views that are already made up made up in their mind about Daulakarlia, which is called in English. That's part of Sweden where
[00:17:44] well at some places old culture is still very strong. So we have this, I like it. I really love Daulakarlia. My home part of Sweden, but I can't live there partly because my girlfriend in Daulakarlia is from another part of Sweden called Smoland.
[00:18:14] Smoland countries, that is what it means actually. And Smoland was actually in the old days for Lourne, Smoland was actually consistent of consisting of a lot of small countries. Not like states, countries, but small countries. So she doesn't want to move to Daulakar in her lifetime.
[00:18:46] And I don't blame her really. It's hard to move to a place where you always need a car to get like anywhere and not knowing anyone. And I didn't have a very wonderful time growing up there. So I'm, this Stockholm will suffice for now.
[00:19:12] Sorry, I don't know where I ended up now. Yeah, I feel a bit stressed out that I need to make an even better episode. This time, but it's this is like something I always struggle with. Sometimes, since I never prepare and since I never ride anything down or
[00:19:38] add it to anything, the episodes just become whatever they are. Whatever I do with them, you know, and sometimes I just stumble over something very exciting and profound and deep. And other times I'm just this dude, you know?
[00:20:03] So I'm used to this stress about keep doing better material. But I work kind of hard not to make it lower, so to speak, not to make it rural, my podcast production process because if I, if I did that, I don't think I would get things done.
[00:20:32] So my philosophy is really just recorded and released it. I don't believe in letting things grow. Of course, some things need to grow. I have a book coming out in the fall and I haven't that material has been growing for
[00:20:55] several years, actually. But as far as my podcasting and my social media goes, I don't put that pressure on myself, at least not actively. I just record and then release. And that's turned out to be a very good way for me to produce and to be spread.
[00:21:22] Like Veggie-Might. I know I don't have a lot of listeners in Australia, but I thought that Veggie-Might would be like this great analogy for being spread out. Now there was this noise. I don't know where the noise came from.
[00:21:49] Maybe my AI filters got rid of the noise, but if you heard it, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. But then again, I don't edit anything out unless it's something really disturbing. Like, I don't know, I sneeze into the microphone or if there's like this garbage truck parking
[00:22:18] right outside my studio. If the garbage truck parks outside my studio, I run out. And I just keep recording because I never stop recording. And so I run out and I wrestle
[00:22:39] the garbage geist to the ground. I grab them like, I grab them in their ears and I just drag them out into the forest and then I force them to dance with me because that's what I do.
[00:23:00] I think it's a great punishment to force someone to dance to you. And then I threw them because I'm really, very strong. I'm a very strong guy that's actually... I am maybe you don't know this, but I am the world's strongest potkoster.
[00:23:21] I'm sorry. Okay, so if you're not familiar with a form, I just talk nonsense, you know? So I just feel compelled to tell you that because I don't want you to think that I actually hurt
[00:23:33] garbage man who park outside my studio and they don't park by the way. They just pick up the trash and I'm very grateful. My brother-in-law is actually a garbage man, and I have the utmost respect for
[00:23:50] his job. I think about him now and then we hang out quite a lot actually. He and his family, he's a my girlfriend Nina's brother and his wife and their kids, they are actually our most frequent company in this city because our children are cousins. So they
[00:24:18] and they get along really well. But I think about him Peter very often because he's like this genuine good force in the world. I wish I could be more like him because he's
[00:24:36] I have seen him, I have seen him like really testing and angry, like one time over the last 17 years I've known him and he's... I don't want to make it sound like I think he's not a complex person
[00:24:58] because of course he is but I think of him as some sort of a... he's a very simple person. I mean, I don't mean it in a negative way. I think he's a if something happens to him,
[00:25:14] he just says, ah, that's typical. And then he does something about it. He just... he doesn't get involved and shrouded in feelings like I do. I so still believe that he has feelings. It's not that.
[00:25:31] It's just he has a very uncomplicated way of looking at things and I think that's a gift and I wish I could be more like him because he goes to work, he works, then he goes to the gym
[00:25:45] and then he goes home and then he's home when the kids get back from school and then he prepares dinner, I guess. And then his wife comes home, she's a teacher and it's you know, it's an ordinary life with ordinary obstacles and gifts and
[00:26:10] I wish I could be more like him because I'm a very... I'm really sensitive in a way. I get influenced by small things like I wake up and I feel like this wave of...
[00:26:32] I feel like I'm tired and I have a headache when I wake up and then there's this, I don't know, feeling of dissonous when I get up from the bed and then my body goes into this
[00:26:51] alarm mode. So I believe that okay so there's something wrong with me now and I'm I know with my intellect that this is my body just singelin to me different stuff like I hadn't had enough sleep where I hadn't had enough to drink the day before or something
[00:27:16] or maybe I'm just a body you know with all the dozens of stuff going on at every given moment inside all of our bodies. Stuff that I don't, I'm not aware of because my brain just takes care
[00:27:31] of those things without telling my consciousness about it. So I only see the effects but still I am schooled into believing that scary things happen very suddenly okay so now we
[00:27:56] hit the deep point here it feels like I can be it's weird because I've been doing this in Swedish for so long and I sometimes get into very personal stuff but it feels some very exciting and
[00:28:16] somewhat scary feeling to tell people in other languages about me, I don't know it's if he's like I'm doing it for the first time so I was born in 1975 and in 1979 my sister was born
[00:28:45] and she had this very fatal heart disease that's like a year before she was born etica was born she would have died all the kids with that sort of disease died.
[00:29:05] She was a blue baby you call it a blue baby she was all blue because she her body her blood didn't bring enough oxygen to her body because her heart was like built the wrong way
[00:29:22] it was like turn around so the chamber pumping out blood was actually the chamber that was supposed to take in the blood you know I don't really know how it's how the heart is built or something
[00:29:40] I'm still to this day keeping this somewhat distant because it's I was for when she was born and of course that was hard for all of us because we didn't know or at least my parents didn't
[00:30:00] know whether or not she was gonna live so the first memory I have I have of her is she's on the nursery table what do you call it they are home from the hospital she's just a few
[00:30:23] days old and she's blue my little sister is blue so I had a brother between me and her so I have a brother that's two years younger than me and then it is cherishes four years younger than me so
[00:30:42] me and David we stood and we watched her I remember and Mama is crying and I don't really know why because no one actually tells me the nature of her heart disease I still don't really remember
[00:31:02] whether or not this was after she was rushed to the hospital the first time or if this was before I don't remember of course I don't remember I was four years old and then her life started
[00:31:19] like this in the out of hospital kind of life and she still alive she's now 44 years old and she will be 45 this year and that's against all the odds and they told her she could never
[00:31:48] have a child that her body couldn't ever withstand that sort of pressure but she has a child and that child is now 24 years old and it's a beautiful human being and she's been through such
[00:32:05] hardships in her life and she still suffers of course a great deal from her disease and no one knows anything about the future but she's here she's strong you know and I wish that my parents back then in the early 80s that they would have known that
[00:32:28] that she's going to be she's going to be all right because that that worry that took a lot of that took a lot of yeah you know so I think my parents reaction to Eddie Gabi in Boren
[00:32:57] is my first real trauma because I don't think they handle that very well and I can say that because we talk about this all the time me and my parents and I they have a very
[00:33:12] very sort of genuine and tranquil way of looking at things we've always been very good at talking about the stuff that went wrong in the past in my family so good at it that in fact
[00:33:37] it's a problem when we meet other people because other people kind of tend to not talk about what hurts the most like the first few things you say to a person you've never met before
[00:33:53] but I'm good at that and my family is good at that so but I think that's my first childhood trauma that I was scared out of my mind I guess about the fact that
[00:34:21] death is apparently a thing and that your parents are in the hands of life as much as you are and I think that what my parents did wrong or at least my mother is that she tried
[00:34:48] and I don't blame her I can understand like really well why you would do such a thing she was young as well she was like 29 or something and she had this child that were severely ill
[00:35:06] and maybe wouldn't survive so she's tried to regulate reality in a way that she kept on doing like up until in my case up until I left home and moved to Gothamburg to study acting
[00:35:27] and so she was very strict and she had these rules that yeah it's problematic for a child I think to be like living on the circumstances like for instance it's really dangerous to get sick
[00:35:51] you know because everyone gets sick but that stems from the fact that my sister couldn't get sick because then she wouldn't be able to get a surgery or something so we lived in this protective
[00:36:06] bubble and outside of the bubble I guess my mother painted a lot of dangerous scenarios that weren't maybe all true and that I discovered like 20 years after so I've always been afraid of change
[00:36:33] but not in a very direct way I keep on throwing myself into change like constantly but inside there's always this process in which I get anxiety very general anxiety that influences like every part of my existence when it happens and that's this this has been a problem for
[00:37:05] me my whole life I've always been an anxious boy and I've made a thing out of talking about it like really often when I started my career as an actor I talked about my fear and my anxiety
[00:37:32] in interviews and stuff but I always did it in the sort of like self-proclaiming way that I I'm a real artist because artists feel awful like almost all of the time so that was a bad method of dealing with anxiety because you like you to give the anxiety
[00:38:00] permission to rule your life in a way so it's only really recently I gave up drinking and started looking at myself and my work and my personality in a different way that I really started to
[00:38:21] look at my anxiety as part of me that I need to change my attitude towards I always felt like it was like this demon that could just come and go as it wanted and it's
[00:38:39] sort of romantic to look at anxiety that way oh here comes my demons you know and you could it can give you like excuse and excuse to just be an asshole or to treat yourself or others badly
[00:38:54] but I've never really stopped and thought about truly what it is and I believe it stems from this very formative years but this is of course just theories I will never know for real what
[00:39:11] it is maybe it's just me you know maybe it's just my jeans my Crocker jeans that I wear like all the time I have very bad at jeans I have Crocker jeans no I'm talking of course about
[00:39:27] my genob but you knew that sleepy you're a smart person you see right through my my illusions because you see I'm I'm trying to hypnotize you that that's what I do here I
[00:39:44] I use this a verse in tactics that when I talk about something that's really emotional and private and transparent and then I just throw in this side curve what are you called curveball side curve what's that a curveball about me wearing Crocker jeans and then you're
[00:40:12] just what's he's talking about what didn't he just talked about his childhood trauma but then again I I don't want you to take anything really too serious because
[00:40:30] the thing you need to know about me that I'm I'm very well I am at a perfect place in my life and in time and I feel so I mean of course I am sad and angry and anxious today as well but
[00:40:48] not in the neighborhood of how I used to be and used to feel I feel so entitled and strong and filled with a sense of purpose sorry I said that this was kind of bad taste I think
[00:41:19] to just be so moved by my own by the fact that I'm at a good place in my life that I just need to say sorry I need to take a break sorry I'm so sorry sleepy this is not who I am
[00:41:35] I'm I'm a very very what you call it practical producing kind of guy who just need to move on now you know don't well too long and especially never show them that you're touched by your own words because it's it's not very it's frowned upon in society sorry
[00:42:11] okay so moving on to the next trauma in 1981 or was it 1982 yes it was 1982 my the next child was born my parents next child the fourth child Marcus and Marcus was born with a severe
[00:42:36] hearing what you call it when you can't hear good man oh God hearing impairment so he's impaired his hearing doesn't work maybe his hearing doesn't work either but I don't know about that
[00:43:01] I've never seen him with a hearing and although he's a bit of a nature guy so I guess he could go fishing a lot but what I'm talking about now if it was unclear he's he's he's he's hearing not
[00:43:17] his hearing so I mean this is probably for an English speaking person not an issue you know you would never ever miss pronounced the word hearing and say hearing at the same time she wouldn't you would
[00:43:39] it wouldn't ever say go into a bar and ask for a bear instead of a beer but this happens to me like constantly when I was in London the first time I was in London I was 17 years old
[00:43:53] and I didn't drank at the time but I think I don't remember the context of it but I asked someone for a beer but I didn't ask him for a beer I asked him for a bear and he looked at me like I was
[00:44:12] this I mean like because asking for a bear in a night club setting is kind of suggestive you you never know what you're gonna get when asking for a bear in the night club setting so
[00:44:31] and this was some sort that sort of night club setting so I could have ended up that that that evening could have ended up in a different way that it actually ended up
[00:44:44] it ended up with me just going back to the hotel already in the face and my my classmates like laughter heads off because they were all actually drinking actual beers I was the only one I think in my class back then who didn't drink I started that journey
[00:45:11] many years after so Marcus he was hearing impaired and and that of course took yet another toll on my parents because they were imagined having a child that is severely ill and will
[00:45:39] require like care for the rest of her life and then two years after getting another child and I don't know about I have never they have never given me a clear answer to this but
[00:46:03] imagine being in this in this state of shock I mean two years ago you got a child that it's that whose life expectancy is unclear and then you get pregnant again and then you get another
[00:46:20] child and that child is also very ill but in a different totally different way so there's back to zero in away so I was older than I was six so I was by then I was used to this world of
[00:46:41] bad versus good dangerous versus safe it's very weird to talk about this in English because I I get really struck by the stuff that actually happened it's like I'm looking at it
[00:47:00] at it from a different angle in a way it's like it becomes more true because I don't use the same words that I normally do when I talk about this so I need to describe it in
[00:47:16] other language and then automatically I get to look at it from another point of view so the thing that really struck me is I'm I'm six years old and I'm totally used to a world where
[00:47:39] you either die or you live whether or not you you either die or you live and that all the pants on whether or not you follow this set of rules like don't ever go on a street where
[00:48:00] there is cars or don't ever like yeah there's a lot of stuff and I don't want to I will repeat this I don't I'm not angry with my mom I am sort of sad that it happened
[00:48:24] but she's old now and she's recently been very ill and I don't know how can we even sometimes I think that parents as I'm being one myself right now parents do is the best they
[00:48:47] can given the circumstances and the facts regarding when they were like young parents or old parents or whatever parents so of course if you've been the subject of abuse or harm of course this is something that should be addressed and I have addressed my upbringing many times
[00:49:20] and still I'm not the victim of a crime here I'm the victim of traumatized terrified young woman who in the early 17th the middle of the 70s and 80s got a lot of sick children two sick
[00:49:44] children not a lot and Marcus also had this kidney failure which made it even more difficult for him to function so it's I don't really know what to call it and I don't think I'm going
[00:50:07] to continue this winding road this winding road that I just set foot upon I don't want you to feel sorry for me or something like that I'm just talking you know so but it struck me as
[00:50:30] very obvious when I talking about this in English that a six-year-old with a very clear definition of that there are clear dangers in the world and there are very apparent safe zones so for instance my parents were religious so the church and God's words was like safe zones
[00:50:58] and I don't think that's really enough I don't think it's a good way of bringing up a child just telling it that as long as you do God's bidding you will be safe because that's not true
[00:51:17] and what good is there in intimidating and scaring a growing person into like for instance never get into a relationship with a girl because that's something that you are supposed to save until you're married and the rest of the world around this little boy everyone
[00:51:45] is trying out the fascinating wonderful scary hurtful complex way of interacting with people in a romantic and sensual way and for me that was like really very dangerous for a long, long time and it all connects to losing control is dangerous making a mistake is dangerous and by
[00:52:30] dangerous I don't mean like dangerous like you could be hurt or before us to go to the hospital it's like you're going to hell kind of dangerous you know I don't think I never I don't think I
[00:52:45] ever really believed in hell per se but the equivalent of hell then a destiny worth than death and that's not fair for a six-year-old to be so fluent in that kind of a reality because I
[00:53:08] wasn't brought up in a war zone I wasn't brought up in this life and death situation that maybe people 10,000 or 100,000 years old was used to. I was brought up in a very calm little peaceful village
[00:53:33] out in the countryside where no one really could hurt me nothing really could hurt me so that's unfair and I think about that sometimes but then I think about who's to say I deserve
[00:54:00] to be treated fairly now don't get me wrong everyone deserves to be treated fairly of course but it's only our invention you know fairness it's nothing built into the universe there is no
[00:54:17] such thing as justice in a cosmic sense so I can't control what happens to me and of course I get to be angry and sad but at the same time I need to accept that what happened happened
[00:54:34] and I can't carry that around with me all my life some of it is hard to let go some of it is maybe even impossible to let go because the body remembers stuff that doesn't have
[00:54:52] anything to do with the conscious mind but still what can I do other than just forgive and accept you know sorry I need to stretch my back sometimes when I'm in this chair I get
[00:55:19] this tingling feeling in my lower back like the issue as nervous starting to act up and that's because dear dear sleepy I am a very old man and I've been here longer than most you see when
[00:55:37] I was a child back in the 1970s it sounds almost like there were nights and kings and queens walking around on the city streets of Stockholm which of course they were there were because
[00:55:56] nights are still existent all of them they don't wear armor very often and kings and queens of course they still exist but I get that it's that you think that it's a mythical time period because
[00:56:14] in the 70s we had like dragons and we had little white eggs with feet fallen down from a wall hurting themselves and neither of the kings horses this is all the kings men could put that
[00:56:36] freaking egg to back together again because it's impossible and I think it was an eriotic king to even try to what was his name that guy that egg guy who fell down from a wall humped
[00:56:50] the dumpty was the name so imagine the situation where humped the dumpty is sitting on a wall and he just falls down I mean whoever does that whoever falls down from a wall
[00:57:07] I mean he must have been drinking like heavily all day and of course it helped the dumpty was a drunk you can hear that in his name I mean it's still a tragedy that he fell down but
[00:57:20] I mean he had it coming sort of if you're drunk out of your mind you don't climb a wall but he sat there on the wall and he fell down but then and then I guess he became apparent
[00:57:33] to the people in the city that he was broken because the king must have been notified in some way and then the king just gathered all of his men I don't know what that
[00:57:51] means does it mean like this little group of people or is it like because didn't the king like own every person in this kingdom so the king may be gathered like four five million men
[00:58:12] and also the horses I guess like I imagine because the horses is not gender determined but the gender of the horses are not told in this tale so I guess then the amount applied to all horses like children horses what do you call them horse children
[00:58:41] that I'm going to write a book about that one day the horse children by hand next door and so the not the cubs what do you call it oh God oh God why do I do this why have
[00:59:00] I started a podcast in English I'm sorry sleepy I mean this is your well if you're if you're an American or an Australian or an Englishman or whatever if you're a Brit
[00:59:13] then you I mean this is your language this is like the language that you speak all day and now you're listening to this idiot just making a mockery out of your heritage I'm sorry
[00:59:31] I don't I don't know anything but okay so the horse children the horse women and the horse men and they all gathered around and all the men the human men as well so that there's like 10 13 million individuals gathering around this broken drunken egg on the ground
[01:00:00] and he's of course really misery miserable he's he just scream and then calling them names and blaming it on the society and everything he's he's just this mess of a person and of course it's not fun to help someone who just curses at them when they're yet close
[01:00:24] but they need to because apparently the king really likes Humpty Dumpty otherwise he wouldn't put all those individuals together to just fix this egg if I'm being honest wouldn't it just suffice with having like one person trying to fix a broken egg
[01:00:47] why would there be a need for all the horses and all the men? and so they're standing there like millions of people or horses disgusting how to put this egg back together yeah which is I mean without some sort of glue it's impossible
[01:01:11] and what good would glue do anyway because a broken egg is still a broken egg the inside is out on the pavement or whatever so and they couldn't do it so at the end of
[01:01:25] the day they just walked away and I mean it must have been it must have taken hours for them to even get out of town because it's millions of people so it's just hours and hours and then with
[01:01:40] like people trying to cross the bridge out of town you know all of them sad because they couldn't fix the king's best friend which apparently was a broken drunken egg what kind of king
[01:01:55] be friends and egg anyway it's good that all this is in the past because trauma or no trauma we should all just go on with our lives okay so this episode is over I hope you're sleeping
[01:02:17] because I've been just losing it good night sleepy I truly love you for being here