The strains and the grains of me

[00:00:00] Hi Sleepy, just a very quick note before we start today's episode. Do you want to listen to this podcast without the ads? Then you absolutely can. Just subscribe to Fall asleep with Henrik plus and to do so you can just click the link in the podcast description and it'll be fixed. See you there.

[00:00:34] Neurodermitis zu verändern. Und du bist nicht allein. Verändere deinen Schlaf bei Neurodermitis jetzt. Klick dich zu allen Tipps für einen erholsamen Schlaf. Schlafen-mit-neurodermitis.info

[00:00:46] Hi and welcome to Fall asleep with Henrik. I'm Henrik and you're sleepy and it is what it is. What happens, happens and right now there is nothing we can do about it.

[00:01:06] So let's go. Hi sleepy. So we're here again at this, well to me this is a crossroad.

[00:01:26] Because at the moment I have so many possibilities but only one way to go at a time in this improv session that this is. Well this is not improv in any traditional improv theater sense.

[00:01:49] I don't have any rules to apply and as you if you're an experienced improviser you know that in order to make improv theater work you need a set of rules.

[00:02:03] Like for instance you can't say no or any other stuff but I can do whatever I want here so this is not traditional improv.

[00:02:13] This is just me talking and following my train of thought for an hour without editing anything else.

[00:02:26] So if you're new here I'm Henrik and I'm a Swedish guy that is a professional soother.

[00:02:35] Maybe you could call me that.

[00:02:39] Maybe you could call me that.

[00:03:08] So I do this in a very special way.

[00:03:10] I just talk.

[00:03:12] I don't, I'm not gonna try and hypnotize you or make you visualize fluffy clouds and remarkable meadows stretching out for kilometers at end.

[00:03:33] I'm just gonna speak and my fragmentized, I don't know what you say, fragmentalized way of speaking since English is not my main language.

[00:03:49] It's a good thing here.

[00:03:52] I guess you need, maybe you need, depending on where you are in the world, maybe you'll need a couple of listens to get used to my way of treating the English language.

[00:04:04] Because if I have something that is a selling point here, if I have anything at all, it's my personality.

[00:04:17] That's my, that's the core of this podcast.

[00:04:24] Because without me there is no fall asleep with Henrik.

[00:04:28] And fall asleep with Henrik would be like, well it wouldn't be anything if it weren't for Henrik and fall asleep with Henrik.

[00:04:38] And that is not to say that I am this very unique human being, quite the contrary.

[00:04:46] I'm a Swedish middle-aged dude and I really don't have anything to say except when I by accident do.

[00:04:57] And there's just a coincidence and if you're awake to hear it, then it's a good thing.

[00:05:02] But if you're not, you know, it doesn't matter.

[00:05:06] So you don't have to listen to this podcast.

[00:05:09] You just have to press play and let it be, you know.

[00:05:13] So you can tune in and out of what I'm talking about.

[00:05:17] Or you could just listen like very intensively for 45 minutes and then just pass out.

[00:05:27] So I'm not trying to bore you.

[00:05:30] And in Swedish, this really works.

[00:05:34] And it depends to be seen whether or not this works for other countries as well.

[00:05:40] So I'm trying.

[00:05:41] I'm giving this a try and I've decided to give this a year.

[00:05:44] And I've put up a very ambitious goal.

[00:05:48] I aim to reach one million listeners before a year has passed.

[00:05:54] So far, it's about six months left.

[00:05:58] And I haven't even got close.

[00:06:02] But I mean, don't despair.

[00:06:05] I mean, I will probably keep this up, you know, regardless.

[00:06:13] But I still have that goal.

[00:06:16] So if you want to help me, leave a review or spread the podcast in your own platforms, social media, word of mouth.

[00:06:28] You know, anything helps.

[00:06:30] Every little thing helps.

[00:06:32] If you want to help me, that is.

[00:06:35] But that's not why you're here.

[00:06:37] So I think that there's a misconception sometimes.

[00:06:44] People feel stressed out when content creators ask their audiences to help spread the word.

[00:06:53] Audiences feel like, why do people keep stressing me or pushing me?

[00:06:58] I'm not here to be your PR marketist, your PR marketing specialist.

[00:07:07] I'm here to, well, in this case, relax, fall asleep, drift away.

[00:07:15] And I mean, that should always be the main goal.

[00:07:20] But I'm in a bit of a trap here because I can't really grow without people telling the world about this podcast.

[00:07:31] I can't do it on my own.

[00:07:33] Well, I could, and I have been doing it.

[00:07:36] I could pay for marketing, which I am because I'm a business.

[00:07:41] So I am promoting all of my podcasts.

[00:07:45] But as any member of this tiny community called the podcast world knows, is that it's a very, it's a tricky thing to market stuff because people don't really like ads.

[00:08:07] And in particular ads that claim, like in my case, to be like a sleep relief, insomnia relief, because then people want proof.

[00:08:20] And I don't really have that except for maybe, I mean, emails and such that I get.

[00:08:26] And then again, it falls back to the listener in this case.

[00:08:32] So if you want to help, I mean, it's appreciated, but you don't have to.

[00:08:39] And I'm genuinely, genuinely in awe about the fact that you're listening to this at all.

[00:08:50] By now, there are a couple of thousand of you around the world who can refer to themselves as sleepy in this growing universe that is fall asleep with Henrik.

[00:09:06] It hit me the other day that I haven't talked about my own sleep.

[00:09:14] I've been, when I started this in Swedish, I talked extensively about my own sleep issues.

[00:09:24] In the beginning of the podcast, but I haven't really done so in English.

[00:09:30] So, okay, so how should I put this?

[00:09:35] I often get questions from journalists in Sweden.

[00:09:40] How do you sleep?

[00:09:42] I mean, here's a guy who claims to be able to put people to sleep.

[00:09:48] How does it work?

[00:09:49] No, for, on him, on, on, on himself.

[00:09:53] Does it work for me as well?

[00:09:55] Can I talk myself to sleep?

[00:09:56] And yeah, I can actually.

[00:10:00] Especially in the beginning of this, the Swedish version of this podcast, I quite frequently fell asleep during my sessions.

[00:10:12] And to be honest, I, around an hour ago, I went out into my studio and I tried to start this episode.

[00:10:21] But I thought that maybe I could just, you know, meditate for 20 minutes before I get started.

[00:10:28] So I did that and I immediately fell asleep.

[00:10:31] So, yeah, it works.

[00:10:36] But I think what makes this work is the routine and the lack of ambition.

[00:10:45] That's, I guess, the driver in this.

[00:10:50] I think that's why it works for other people as well.

[00:10:53] It's not because I'm a fantastic host or because I'm a great thinker or whatever.

[00:11:02] This works because, one, there is a consistency to all of it.

[00:11:08] Every Monday, Tuesday, depending on where you are in the world, there's a new episode.

[00:11:15] And then there's no ambition.

[00:11:23] So PR-wise, I need to say something that hooks you, you know.

[00:11:27] You can use this to fall asleep or whatever.

[00:11:29] However, this will put you to sleep.

[00:11:33] But, I mean, there's no guarantee that this podcast will do anything for you.

[00:11:38] This is not a prescription drug.

[00:11:43] It's a piece of questionable art at best.

[00:11:49] So I can't promise you anything and I really shouldn't.

[00:11:57] But with that being said, yes, I fall asleep quite often.

[00:12:04] Well, not so much anymore while doing the actual production.

[00:12:09] Because I do this every day in Swedish and English.

[00:12:13] And I tend to be...

[00:12:19] I have a routine now that I can, you know, lean back at.

[00:12:24] But I've always, throughout my life, had difficulties falling asleep in periods.

[00:12:39] Like, from time to time, I go through phases in my life where it's almost impossible for me to fall asleep.

[00:12:47] And then I lie awake.

[00:12:49] And since I have a daughter and...

[00:12:51] Well, she's 13 now.

[00:12:53] So she's...

[00:12:55] It's easier now.

[00:12:56] But when she was a kid, you know, when she was like a baby,

[00:13:00] then if you lost sleep, then the next day would be destroyed, you know.

[00:13:07] You would be destroyed the next day.

[00:13:11] So, of course, that didn't help the insomnia issues.

[00:13:17] Because as you know damn well, sleepy,

[00:13:22] the worst thing you can do when having issues falling asleep

[00:13:26] is to stress out about the fact that you're having issues falling asleep.

[00:13:31] Because then it'll just get worse and worse and worse.

[00:13:34] And it'll become sort of a vortex of,

[00:13:38] I can't sleep, I can't sleep, I must sleep, I must sleep.

[00:13:45] So if I can just pass along a little advice that I've learned,

[00:13:52] and it's not that I...

[00:13:55] I'm not the one who came up with this.

[00:13:57] I guess it's common sense.

[00:13:59] But the first thing that you need to get rid of

[00:14:03] in order to fall asleep is the stress about you not falling asleep.

[00:14:10] And the panic that occurs when you're realizing that

[00:14:14] if you don't sleep, you'll get really sick and so on and so on.

[00:14:21] So I guess we would all benefit from a sort of an attitude

[00:14:27] like the one of a child.

[00:14:30] Who doesn't want to go to sleep

[00:14:32] and doesn't really know yet that without sleep,

[00:14:35] things will get much more difficult.

[00:14:39] A child that doesn't want to sleep is like king of the world

[00:14:44] and then all of a sudden it's just poof, sleep.

[00:14:50] And I guess that's an attitude that we all could really benefit from.

[00:14:58] I'm not going to sleep.

[00:15:01] I don't need sleep.

[00:15:02] I want to do this.

[00:15:03] I want to do that.

[00:15:03] I want to be awake and solve all my problems.

[00:15:08] Unsolvable problems, by the way.

[00:15:10] I just want to be awake and solve all my unsolvable problems.

[00:15:13] And I want to do it now.

[00:15:15] And then poof.

[00:15:20] And even if you don't fall asleep this particular night,

[00:15:26] what if, you know?

[00:15:28] Then you will fall asleep the next night.

[00:15:30] And even if you don't fall asleep the next night,

[00:15:33] then you will be guaranteed to fall asleep the third night in some manner.

[00:15:41] I realize that there are, you know, clinical things that prevent you from falling asleep in a real way.

[00:15:51] But for most of us, this is just stress.

[00:15:58] And I always fall asleep the easiest way when not trying.

[00:16:06] So for instance, when I meditated earlier, I fell asleep for a few seconds.

[00:16:15] And then I woke up.

[00:16:17] And then I thought to myself, I can't record in this state.

[00:16:20] So I went into the house and I went to bed.

[00:16:24] And I slept for an hour.

[00:16:26] And that wasn't intentional.

[00:16:29] I thought I'd just lay down and scroll for a while.

[00:16:34] You know, I had a cup of coffee.

[00:16:37] And then, you know, I did everything not to fall asleep.

[00:16:42] But my body needed to sleep.

[00:16:44] So it did.

[00:16:46] And I think I made it possible for my body to do so because I didn't try.

[00:16:54] So quit trying.

[00:16:56] So what if you miss one night of sleep?

[00:16:59] So what?

[00:17:00] Really, it's not important.

[00:17:03] Okay, so it is important.

[00:17:05] It's really important.

[00:17:06] It's, you know, it's life.

[00:17:08] It's essential for your continued healthy life.

[00:17:13] But don't tell your mind that, you know.

[00:17:17] You need to be like, you know, when you have kids and you...

[00:17:22] Well, this doesn't apply for English-speaking people.

[00:17:25] But for me, Swedish guy, when our children are young,

[00:17:32] we can, as parents, and we need to talk about stuff that children isn't supposed to know.

[00:17:39] Like it's...

[00:17:40] Are we going to give them ice cream later or anything?

[00:17:44] You know, we can speak English because the child doesn't understand.

[00:17:47] Now, of course, that's not an issue anymore because my daughter speaks like three languages already.

[00:17:54] But it's...

[00:17:56] Including English, of course.

[00:17:58] And that's my only other language that I know fluently.

[00:18:03] Well, maybe not fluently.

[00:18:05] I don't know.

[00:18:06] Well, good enough to be able to talk about secrets.

[00:18:15] But it's...

[00:18:18] So you need to be like that Swedish parent with a Swedish child who speaks English.

[00:18:25] Just so the child doesn't understand.

[00:18:28] You need to keep this secret from your mind that you really need to sleep.

[00:18:33] And then, of course, you won't be devastated if you just skip one night of sleep.

[00:18:43] Quite the contrary, I guess.

[00:18:45] I think that maybe that is what you need, you know?

[00:18:49] Maybe one night without sleep is just the way, just the thing you need.

[00:18:58] Because, I mean, your life is long.

[00:19:01] And your life contains so much, you know, stuff that is not streamlined or as it should.

[00:19:16] I think sometimes we just fall into the trap of believing that every second of our conscious life

[00:19:26] should be as it should, you know?

[00:19:31] As we read about.

[00:19:34] As we've learned.

[00:19:37] And that's just impossible.

[00:19:41] I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that

[00:19:45] 99.9% of your conscious, awoken life

[00:19:50] will be, you know, weird, random stuff that you don't know why it's there, you know?

[00:19:57] It's so many things.

[00:19:59] There are so many things in life that we can't control and we don't know why they are.

[00:20:08] So why would falling asleep ever be this uncomplicated, un-melodramatic thing?

[00:20:17] Why would anything really be like you read on Instagram?

[00:20:25] There is no such thing.

[00:20:27] And haven't we been a community for long enough now?

[00:20:31] I mean, we humans.

[00:20:33] Haven't we really, haven't we, you know, hung out together for enough time

[00:20:41] for the information to sink in collectively

[00:20:45] that stuff isn't as they seem in magazines?

[00:20:55] I mean, isn't that one of the core pillars of knowledge that we should have been acquiring by now?

[00:21:05] This should be common knowledge.

[00:21:09] And of course it is, you know, this doesn't come as a surprise to you, I guess.

[00:21:14] That things are weird.

[00:21:19] Life is weird.

[00:21:20] It's not describable by a glossy page in a magazine.

[00:21:28] Whether or not this glossy page, the content of this glossy page appeals to you or not.

[00:21:35] Whether or not it's true.

[00:21:38] It doesn't, you know, life doesn't fit there.

[00:21:42] It's just fragments.

[00:21:45] And life is weird.

[00:21:47] And of course we know this.

[00:21:49] But yet again, we don't know it.

[00:21:52] Can I put it that way?

[00:21:54] We know it, but we never seem to get it.

[00:22:03] And okay, so now I'm starting to like explain stuff.

[00:22:08] That's not what I'm here for.

[00:22:10] I suck at falling asleep.

[00:22:12] It's like I have this, what do you call it?

[00:22:18] Ration.

[00:22:19] Yeah, it's, you have, I have a finite number of rations of me.

[00:22:28] Over my, like, I can distribute my rations as I please over the day.

[00:22:35] So I distribute them evenly or extremely unevenly throughout my day.

[00:22:44] Like this hour gets so and so many percent of Henrik.

[00:22:52] You know, you know what I mean?

[00:22:55] And then you would expect that at the end of the day, depending on how many rations I've spent.

[00:23:03] And I don't have a whole lot of them.

[00:23:05] I mean, I have enough.

[00:23:07] But at the end of the day, you would imagine that I would be out of rations.

[00:23:12] You know, it's, it's, it's, well, it's stupid to save them, you know, because you don't need them during the night.

[00:23:21] And I tend to spend them all.

[00:23:23] So by the time it's time for me to go to bed, I'm out of Henrik rations.

[00:23:34] But then there's this magical thing happening.

[00:23:37] And I don't know why nature keeps giving me like fresh new rations.

[00:23:45] Because it does.

[00:23:47] So whenever I go to sleep, I get extra rations of Henrik.

[00:23:53] So now I have to spend them because for some reason you can't keep them overnight.

[00:23:59] So you need to spend them before you fall asleep.

[00:24:02] So now I have like, maybe I had one left.

[00:24:05] And I spent that particular dose of Henrik going to bed, brushing my teeth, not in an order necessarily.

[00:24:15] And, you know, reading something or scrolling something or whatever.

[00:24:22] But, and then I'm out of Henrik doses.

[00:24:27] But then nature just, ta-da, here you are.

[00:24:30] And then I get 20 new rations of Henrik.

[00:24:35] Doses of me.

[00:24:38] And what am I supposed to do with them, you know?

[00:24:40] And they are also, they appear in another manner than the daily doses.

[00:24:46] Because they are like crystal sharp and very concentrated.

[00:24:51] It's like they are more me than the daily doses.

[00:24:56] It's like I become even more me.

[00:25:02] Extra me.

[00:25:04] When it's time for me to fall asleep and to let go of stuff.

[00:25:10] And that concentration and the sheer number of doses makes my insomnia quite present.

[00:25:21] And it's a double-edged sword also.

[00:25:29] Because, of course, great ideas and fantastic inner worlds develop during that time.

[00:25:43] And I, since I have a child, I am still in that world where I need to catch sleep when I can.

[00:25:51] Because she's at school.

[00:25:52] And even though I could theoretically spend my whole night working and creating stuff.

[00:26:01] And sleep during the day.

[00:26:03] I can't because I need to be a dad, you know?

[00:26:06] I need to be here for her.

[00:26:08] And her days are school days.

[00:26:13] So maybe if I were alone, I could say yes to my concentrated nightly doses of Henrik.

[00:26:26] But I can't.

[00:26:27] So I force myself to ignore those glimmering doses of me.

[00:26:35] And they're just laying there.

[00:26:36] And I know that I need to fall asleep with them still active.

[00:26:41] And that's really hard.

[00:26:46] Almost impossible.

[00:26:52] So what to do?

[00:26:55] Well, I guess you could just open them.

[00:26:59] Right now, I visualize those rations.

[00:27:03] I don't think of this every day.

[00:27:07] This is just an example for you to nibble on while you're falling asleep.

[00:27:12] But I think of it as small, shiny plastic bags.

[00:27:23] You know, like those packages.

[00:27:27] With, well, maybe it's some sort of a powder in them.

[00:27:32] Like it's a, yeah, like it's a, you know, this powder that you take pre-workout.

[00:27:41] If you're into building muscles, you know, you have this PVO, P-W-O.

[00:27:50] You know, you pour it into water and you stir it a while.

[00:27:54] And then you drink it.

[00:27:54] And then you get more energy and stuff, supposedly.

[00:28:00] That's sort of what it's like.

[00:28:03] You know, so I can't just take the whole bag and just, you know, I need to, I need to mix it with something else.

[00:28:14] And I need to consume it very slow and casually and without any ambition.

[00:28:25] Imagine it.

[00:28:26] Imagine it.

[00:28:27] Well, maybe we can imagine it as one big bag of me or you, if in your case.

[00:28:38] So just so that the analogy gets more effective.

[00:28:45] Because if it's a lot of bags and I need to repeat the process, I'm going to start now.

[00:28:54] So, okay.

[00:28:55] So I'm gonna, okay.

[00:28:58] First of all, Sleepy, I have no flow at the moment.

[00:29:03] Sometimes when I speak, I guess just get, you know, English flow.

[00:29:09] The flow right now is gone.

[00:29:12] The flow is in another country.

[00:29:15] By the way, welcome all my new listeners from Germany.

[00:29:23] It's a great pleasure to have you here.

[00:29:27] Germany is a, it's a, it's a huge podcast country, according to my numbers here.

[00:29:35] And I'm really glad to, to be in your ears.

[00:29:41] Okay.

[00:29:42] Sorry for interrupting.

[00:29:45] Okay.

[00:29:45] So I have no flow, but nevertheless, I need to continue this because I've signed and

[00:29:51] signed a sort of a social contract to keep doing this at least for a year.

[00:29:56] So here we go.

[00:30:00] So imagine in your case, you need to imagine a big bag of you, but I'm going to talk about

[00:30:06] it as a big bag of me right now.

[00:30:11] So there's a big bag of me containing concentrations of all the stuff that makes me, me for good

[00:30:23] and for worse, for better and for worse.

[00:30:29] And normally, if this was during the day, I would just rip the bag open and just pour it into a glass

[00:30:38] and stir it, mix it with water, water and stir it and just, and just drink it and use it,

[00:30:44] you know, use the energy provided by the bag of me.

[00:30:52] But at night I can't because then I will be clearly awake and I need to sleep.

[00:31:00] So what I need to do is I need to mix it with something else.

[00:31:06] I need to mix the big bag of me or whatever it's containing.

[00:31:11] I need to mix it with something that makes it less fluent or maybe more fluent.

[00:31:21] I don't know.

[00:31:22] I need to think about this.

[00:31:24] I need to mix it with some sort of a supernatural, natural liquid.

[00:31:32] No, maybe I could match it with air.

[00:31:35] Yeah.

[00:31:36] Yeah.

[00:31:38] I mean, of course, that's not possible with, you know, usual PVO powder, but this is not

[00:31:46] PVO powder.

[00:31:48] This is an analogy.

[00:31:51] So in this analogy, you could mix this powder of you, powder of me, with water.

[00:32:00] Concentrated me is mixable with water and with air and with any other medium.

[00:32:09] You can even mix me with, you know, rock.

[00:32:14] It's possible, but I don't know what that would do.

[00:32:18] That would just, I guess, slowly freeze me.

[00:32:22] And I don't need that.

[00:32:24] Not right now anyway.

[00:32:25] So I'm going to cut a little hole in the bag of me and just let small portions of me gently

[00:32:41] enter the air outside.

[00:32:43] And then I create an environment mentally where all the stuff that is in the bag of me, the

[00:32:53] concentrations of me, the huge amount of me in concentration that's in there.

[00:33:02] I just let it exit the bag little by little.

[00:33:08] And as soon as it enters the air, I create this windy, cool, spacious environment outside of

[00:33:20] the bag so that the powder, each individual part of the powder, each, well, what do you call

[00:33:32] it?

[00:33:34] Each little pebble just get caught by the wind and then flies away.

[00:33:43] And it doesn't get lost.

[00:33:45] It's not wasted because the wind is in me.

[00:33:48] So this whole environment is me.

[00:33:50] So this huge landscape, this, well, this, this vast field of me, the wind is also me, you

[00:34:05] know, it's just an environment internally.

[00:34:08] And so what happens when these small doses of this vast pool of concentrated me hits the airwaves,

[00:34:28] then it becomes, they become dreams.

[00:34:38] And that has to do with the way of distributing this concentrated me.

[00:34:44] But also in, well, depending on the pace.

[00:34:49] So I can't just rip a huge hole in the bag and just pour the contents of it over my vast,

[00:34:59] windy field of me.

[00:35:02] There's a lot of me now.

[00:35:03] I'm sorry.

[00:35:05] The analogy is halting a bit, I guess.

[00:35:08] But then again, I haven't thought this through.

[00:35:11] So I guess it's, well, this is business as usual here at Fall Asleep with Hendrik.

[00:35:22] Anyway, so the secret is to distribute it in a very slow pace.

[00:35:29] So that little by little, that's hard for a Swedish person to say.

[00:35:34] Little by little.

[00:35:37] Little by little.

[00:35:38] Should I start with pronouncing the tease silently?

[00:35:49] Hello and welcome to Fall Asleep with Hendrik.

[00:35:54] I can't do that.

[00:35:55] I can't.

[00:35:55] I'm sorry.

[00:35:56] But I can say little by little.

[00:36:00] So little by little.

[00:36:02] That feels so foreign to say.

[00:36:06] If I should, if I'm going to say little by little, the most Swedish way possible,

[00:36:11] I would say little by little.

[00:36:16] So little by little, the powder enters the air.

[00:36:23] And then the wind can still catch them.

[00:36:31] The sands, so to speak.

[00:36:34] Each little dream pebble.

[00:36:38] And distribute it out in the vast field and the air around it.

[00:36:45] And then they become dreams automatically.

[00:36:49] And then, you know, stuff that really matters to me.

[00:36:53] Because it's concentrated me.

[00:36:55] So everything in the bag is really important to me.

[00:37:00] So when I see it floating in thin air, I know that it's important.

[00:37:12] But since the medium that the powder is being mixed into is air and not water.

[00:37:19] Water is a much more dense medium than air.

[00:37:22] Which makes it heavier.

[00:37:26] And much more hard to, you know, make into fluff, you know.

[00:37:38] Whenever I catch one of those little dream pebbles, I can just take that.

[00:37:45] That particular piece of me.

[00:37:49] And I can just keep it, you know.

[00:37:55] Because it doesn't belong to a whole chunk of me.

[00:38:02] I mean, for instance, it can be broken up.

[00:38:05] You know, because each pebble isn't representing one whole thing of me.

[00:38:14] It's not like, for instance, my fear of flying.

[00:38:22] It's not represented by one significant part of this powder.

[00:38:32] That's more amorphous, you know.

[00:38:34] It's my fears and my shortcomings and my hopes and my dreams and my quirks.

[00:38:41] Quirks.

[00:38:43] My quirky, dorky, parallel inner universes.

[00:38:50] They're just spreading, you know.

[00:38:52] They are, you can't really tell where one ends and one begins.

[00:39:03] They're all spread out in the powder.

[00:39:06] And they're like all over the place.

[00:39:11] So when I catch one little pebble, like one sand, what do you call it?

[00:39:24] On the beach there are sand corns.

[00:39:31] What do you say?

[00:39:32] Oh God.

[00:39:33] Today I really suck at English.

[00:39:39] Sand.

[00:39:40] Oh God.

[00:39:41] The thing that really irritates me when this happens is that I know that a whole bunch of you,

[00:39:47] you're screaming, you know, on the inside.

[00:39:51] What the correct word is.

[00:39:53] Because it's easy to you.

[00:39:56] So you're screaming it like, for God's sake, it's called a hmm.

[00:40:00] And then, but you can't change what I'm, I will probably never reach that point where

[00:40:10] you are at because this is a recorded message.

[00:40:14] This is something from the past reaching you in your own now.

[00:40:26] Anyway, so I still keep thinking about what the word is.

[00:40:38] What do you call one individual part of a sandy beach?

[00:40:46] Like one of the microscopic rocks that make up a beach.

[00:40:54] Pebble?

[00:40:55] Is that the word?

[00:40:57] I don't know.

[00:40:59] So for now I'm going to use the word pebble.

[00:41:02] Although something tells me that pebble is a bigger piece.

[00:41:09] A pebble is like something that you can hold in the palm of your hand and play with it.

[00:41:15] You can't do that with a grain of salt.

[00:41:20] Grain.

[00:41:21] Can you say grain?

[00:41:23] Yes, you can.

[00:41:25] You can say grain of sand.

[00:41:27] Can't you?

[00:41:29] Oh God.

[00:41:30] And you can't answer because you're in the future.

[00:41:33] You're in my future.

[00:41:34] Oh God.

[00:41:35] I mean, if the podcast industry could really work this out, that I could talk to you whenever

[00:41:40] you're listening live.

[00:41:43] I mean, not necessarily live streaming because I know that's a thing.

[00:41:48] I know.

[00:41:49] I mean, that I could sit here in the comfort of my own studio in my own backyard and reach

[00:41:55] out to you in the future and get like intuitive answers from you without you having to, you

[00:42:02] know, turn on a microphone and introduce yourself and stuff.

[00:42:07] Like it could be more intimate, you know, like it's some sort of an intuitive streaming.

[00:42:15] A two-way streaming.

[00:42:16] That would be nice.

[00:42:17] It's not the case though.

[00:42:22] Sometimes I get emails from, well, people with, I could say different problematic journeys,

[00:42:38] different problematic backpacks on them.

[00:42:41] And sometimes I get the question, is this, do you actually hear what I say and stuff like

[00:42:48] that?

[00:42:49] And I mean, this is nothing to joke about and I'm not going to.

[00:42:53] I'm not going to.

[00:42:56] This is a, I mean, if you, if that's how you experience the world, then I feel sorry

[00:43:05] for you because, and you probably need help if you don't have it already.

[00:43:11] If you don't, if you don't get it already and you need help because I am not real.

[00:43:18] I'm not, I'm not real in a sense that I know you for you.

[00:43:24] Unless I do, of course.

[00:43:26] I mean, it could be the case that you are one of the few sleepies that actually know

[00:43:31] me like personally.

[00:43:33] And then of course I know you, but I don't know that I'm talking to you right now.

[00:43:40] I mean, I don't know.

[00:43:41] I don't know anything.

[00:43:43] I mean, maybe this episode won't even be released.

[00:43:47] I, I don't, I can't, we can't know.

[00:43:51] Life is weird, you know?

[00:43:56] Anyway.

[00:43:58] So whenever I catch this strain of me.

[00:44:04] Okay.

[00:44:04] So another me.

[00:44:06] A strain of me.

[00:44:07] Whenever I catch this little, not strain, grain.

[00:44:12] Strain is something else, but it's, it could also be something I can use in a future analogy.

[00:44:18] The strains and the grains of me.

[00:44:22] No, but whenever I catch a grain of me, I, well, sometimes I don't even know what part

[00:44:31] of me that grain belongs to.

[00:44:34] It could be from anywhere or anything.

[00:44:37] And, but it's always very clear color and shape of the particular individual grain.

[00:44:49] And that can give me dreams.

[00:44:52] So I don't know it, but this particular grain is a part of my, my longing for like the woods,

[00:45:05] you know?

[00:45:08] So then that part, it doesn't say this is, uh, there's no headline on the grain.

[00:45:17] Like this is a grain.

[00:45:18] That's usually the part that's usually a part of Hendrik's longing for the woods.

[00:45:24] It's just a, it's just a grain and it's a bit green.

[00:45:29] And, uh, well, maybe it's got a smell, a scent that's, you know, like a pine tree or something

[00:45:39] like that.

[00:45:40] And then that could, in combination with the wind, drift into my mind and become a world

[00:45:48] of its own.

[00:45:51] So that's how I deal with the bag of me being delivered at my doorstep just when I'm about

[00:46:02] to fall asleep.

[00:46:06] Then I can just watch this grain of me float in the air in through my nostrils and up into

[00:46:17] my mind.

[00:46:18] And there it can just stay for a while or drift away as it pleases or as I please.

[00:46:27] And I can watch it for hours at end, or I can just watch it for a second or two and it doesn't

[00:46:34] really matter what happens to it.

[00:46:36] Maybe it gets stuck in another grain, a grain that originally doesn't belong to, belong to

[00:46:44] it.

[00:46:45] It's, they don't, they don't stem from the same part of the original bag.

[00:46:52] So there are two different types of grains and they intertwine for some reason in my mind.

[00:46:58] And then something really peaceful happens as the scent of a pine tree collaborates with,

[00:47:09] you know, the shape of a pencil or whatever.

[00:47:13] And then there's almost some, an outer worldly experience where my own, my normal way, my normal

[00:47:25] ways of thinking about stuff gets inverted and it changes.

[00:47:31] And as you know, Sleepy, whenever that happens, you're about to fall asleep.

[00:47:37] Sleepy, isn't that truly a wondrous thing to experience when you just for a second or two,

[00:47:49] just realize that, oh wow, I'm about to fall asleep now.

[00:47:55] When I was younger, I could be quite shaken up by that, that realization that I'm about to

[00:48:04] fall asleep because it scared me a bit because it's almost like sinking in sand.

[00:48:13] Like you're being dragged down by forces that don't, you can't control them.

[00:48:19] But nowadays I always think of them as like, yeah, they are fantastic.

[00:48:28] It's the forces of sleep are fantastic when they catch you because you're no longer in control.

[00:48:34] And even though lack of control can be scary sometimes, I, with sleep, it's something different.

[00:48:44] It's not like going on a merry-go-round or a roller coaster where, you know,

[00:48:52] the forces at play can make you feel uncomfortable because after a certain point sinking in this

[00:49:01] sleeping sand, you always feel safe.

[00:49:05] At least that's the case for me.

[00:49:08] I can, of course, there can be a passage of time, like a small passage where I'm still so much awake

[00:49:15] that it's my conscious me starts to protest, you know.

[00:49:23] No, you can't just drift away.

[00:49:25] You need to stay awake and be alert.

[00:49:28] But, well, that awakeness is an illusion anyway.

[00:49:34] So why, why keep yourself attached to it?

[00:49:41] You're not, you're supposed to go this way.

[00:49:44] You're supposed to enter this door.

[00:49:49] You can't, you can't safeguard your passage into that place because there's no need.

[00:50:00] You can't, nothing, nothing, you can't change anything, you know.

[00:50:08] And falling asleep, I mean, thank God it's an unconscious thing that we do.

[00:50:13] Because if we were to be doing that consciously, I don't think any of us would ever sleep.

[00:50:21] Because who wants to be unconscious?

[00:50:25] I guess no one.

[00:50:28] Well, not in a, not on an intellectual level anyway.

[00:50:36] We don't want to give up control.

[00:50:39] That is what we need to do in order to fall asleep.

[00:50:43] And I think it's a wonderful thing that it takes place automatically for most of us.

[00:50:49] And that it's something nature has provided us with.

[00:50:57] And if it feels scary to enter that world, if for some reason your mind and your body says that you need to be awake, you need to be in control.

[00:51:09] Then, at least for me, it helps to remember that whatever I'm going into right now,

[00:51:16] the thing that feels like sinking in some unknown medium, that's also me.

[00:51:25] It's just a different part of me that I don't normally dwell around or in.

[00:51:32] But it's me.

[00:51:34] It's not some foreign land.

[00:51:39] It's not some unreal fantasy.

[00:51:45] It's not some...

[00:51:51] I'm not getting lost.

[00:51:53] I'm coming home, you know.

[00:51:56] What could be more home than entering the very dwellings of your own mind?

[00:52:02] What could be more home than whoever you are when you sleep?

[00:52:09] Could you be more yourself?

[00:52:11] Probably not.

[00:52:12] We talk about the value and virtue of being oneself among others.

[00:52:18] And most of us are having issues doing that because it's hard.

[00:52:26] Who am I even?

[00:52:27] I don't know.

[00:52:29] And what's good to show about me and what's not good.

[00:52:34] And when you enter that blue portal into your own inner domains of your mind,

[00:52:42] then you're literally taking seat.

[00:52:47] You're taking the royal throne that is yours inside yourself.

[00:52:57] So it's not something foreign.

[00:53:01] That helps whenever I sometimes...

[00:53:05] It doesn't happen a lot these days, but sometimes I can feel a bit scared

[00:53:10] because it's about giving up control.

[00:53:14] And that's scary sometimes, especially in...

[00:53:18] Well, if you're nervous for other reasons in your awakened life,

[00:53:27] then I can feel solace in the fact that whatever I'm going into right now,

[00:53:38] it's like...

[00:53:41] Well, it's more...

[00:53:44] It's more of a safe house than the arms of my parent, you know, when I was a kid.

[00:53:54] And this place is safer to me than my own mother's embrace when I was a baby.

[00:54:04] Because it is, you know.

[00:54:06] Aspects of me can be scary.

[00:54:09] But it's me.

[00:54:12] It's my house.

[00:54:14] It's my home.

[00:54:15] And regardless, if I know all of the nooks and crannies of my inner self or not...

[00:54:29] Well, probably not because who knows all of the dark corners of oneself.

[00:54:36] No one does.

[00:54:37] So, it doesn't matter.

[00:54:39] Because all of the dark corners, even the most scary ones, are me.

[00:54:46] And we shouldn't be afraid of ourselves.

[00:54:49] Well, not our sleeping selves, anyway.

[00:54:55] Of course, there are aspects of our awakened life that we can fear and fear ourselves in, within.

[00:55:04] But this doesn't apply to sleep.

[00:55:07] Because when you sleep, you are really you.

[00:55:16] So, sleep is not...

[00:55:18] Yeah, this is another thing.

[00:55:20] Sleep is not like something that you need to do.

[00:55:25] Like you need to exercise.

[00:55:30] Or you need to brush your teeth.

[00:55:31] Or you need to consume less harmful food or alcohol or cigarettes.

[00:55:41] You're supposed to do stuff in order to be wealthy.

[00:55:45] No, not wealthy.

[00:55:47] Healthy.

[00:55:48] Well, maybe wealthy as well.

[00:55:50] I don't know.

[00:55:51] But sleep is more than that.

[00:55:54] Sleep is not brushing your teeth or getting enough vitamin B.

[00:56:00] Sleep is you.

[00:56:02] So, the benefits from sleeping...

[00:56:04] I mean, it's almost like we shouldn't even be talking about sleep.

[00:56:10] Like in terms of the benefits of sleep.

[00:56:15] Because that implies that sleep is like...

[00:56:21] Yeah.

[00:56:24] Working resistance training when you're a senior.

[00:56:30] Sleep is bigger than that.

[00:56:33] Talking about the benefits of sleep is talking about the benefits of being alive.

[00:56:39] There are so many benefits of being alive that no one even talks about that.

[00:56:45] Because it speaks for itself.

[00:56:49] Of course there are benefits of being alive.

[00:56:52] Because that's the only thing that really makes even the discussion possible.

[00:56:59] So, there are no benefits of not being alive.

[00:57:02] Since benefits are, you know, depending on you being alive.

[00:57:08] It's the same thing with sleep.

[00:57:11] Sleep.

[00:57:12] So, I think that we really should...

[00:57:14] If you find another newspaper article or podcast that says that...

[00:57:23] Today we're going to talk about the benefits of sleep...

[00:57:26] Then I would encourage you, Sleepy, to just skip that.

[00:57:30] Because you know this already.

[00:57:32] You know that sleep is good.

[00:57:34] And I think we would all benefit from just thinking about sleep more in terms of...

[00:57:43] Sleep being just us, you know.

[00:57:47] Sleep is life.

[00:57:51] Not...

[00:57:53] Sleep is necessary for life.

[00:57:57] Sleep is life.

[00:57:59] So, whether or not you're sleeping or awake...

[00:58:05] You're you.

[00:58:07] I'm me.

[00:58:12] I don't know.

[00:58:14] But...

[00:58:15] For me, that made my sleeping journey easier.

[00:58:19] There are still issues.

[00:58:21] I still have long periods of time where...

[00:58:26] When I have serious issues falling asleep.

[00:58:31] I don't wake up during the night so much.

[00:58:34] But I have...

[00:58:37] Sometimes hours at end without being able to fall asleep.

[00:58:40] And that's still very stressful to me.

[00:58:42] But less so now...

[00:58:45] After my...

[00:58:48] After me thinking that...

[00:58:51] Whatever this is...

[00:58:54] Whatever...

[00:58:56] Is going on in me...

[00:58:58] Right now...

[00:58:58] It's me.

[00:59:00] And...

[00:59:01] Sleep will come.

[00:59:03] I can't force it.

[00:59:07] Sleep will come when it comes.

[00:59:12] And that has really helped me.

[00:59:14] So now...

[00:59:16] Whenever I feel...

[00:59:18] Sleep deprived...

[00:59:19] Of course I have a...

[00:59:21] Well, I have a great job.

[00:59:24] You know...

[00:59:25] What I do is this podcast...

[00:59:28] And that's the only thing I really do...

[00:59:30] Nowadays.

[00:59:31] And...

[00:59:32] I can tailor my workday as I please.

[00:59:35] And I know that this is a luxury that...

[00:59:37] Few...

[00:59:38] Benefit from.

[00:59:41] So...

[00:59:42] Don't get me wrong.

[00:59:43] I know I am in a good place...

[00:59:46] Compared to many others.

[00:59:48] So I can sleep like...

[00:59:51] Like today...

[00:59:52] When I...

[00:59:53] Got to sleep for an hour...

[00:59:54] Before I recorded this episode.

[00:59:56] I know.

[00:59:57] And it's unfair.

[00:59:58] I know.

[01:00:00] But...

[01:00:01] That's my world.

[01:00:04] And...

[01:00:07] Oh, I don't...

[01:00:08] Yeah...

[01:00:08] Okay...

[01:00:09] Okay...

[01:00:09] I don't...

[01:00:10] I don't remember what I was going to say.

[01:00:14] Anyway...

[01:00:14] I...

[01:00:15] I hope...

[01:00:17] That you are asleep right now.

[01:00:18] Sleepy.

[01:00:20] Anyway...

[01:00:20] Because...

[01:00:21] That's the whole purpose.

[01:00:23] But even if you're not, you know...

[01:00:26] Yeah...

[01:00:26] That was the thing I was going to say.

[01:00:28] Whenever I...

[01:00:29] Have issues falling asleep...

[01:00:32] I think...

[01:00:32] Okay...

[01:00:33] So this is it.

[01:00:34] It is what it is.

[01:00:36] What happens, happens.

[01:00:37] Right now...

[01:00:40] My brain...

[01:00:41] Needs to do other things.

[01:00:45] Maybe my brain doesn't see my...

[01:00:47] Have my best...

[01:00:50] You know...

[01:00:51] My best...

[01:00:53] Well-being in its intentions.

[01:00:56] But I can't do anything about that right now.

[01:00:59] So today...

[01:01:00] This night...

[01:01:02] Is a night that I'm having trouble falling asleep.

[01:01:06] And I can't...

[01:01:07] Force that...

[01:01:09] To change.

[01:01:11] So I'm gonna go up...

[01:01:13] And I'm gonna...

[01:01:16] I don't know...

[01:01:17] I'm gonna have a sandwich.

[01:01:19] Or God forbid...

[01:01:20] But I'm gonna do it anyway.

[01:01:21] I'm gonna scroll some TikTok.

[01:01:24] And I'm gonna think of the world as this...

[01:01:26] Weird place...

[01:01:28] Where nothing ever is streamlined.

[01:01:31] And...

[01:01:32] That's okay.

[01:01:33] Because neither am I.

[01:01:34] That's okay.

[01:01:35] Okay...

[01:01:35] Thank you.