The fugitive who crashed my party

[00:00:00] Hi Sleepy, just a very quick note before we start today's episode. Do you want to listen to this podcast without the ads? Then you absolutely can. Just subscribe to Fall Asleep with Henrik+, and to do so, you can just click the link in the podcast description, and it'll be fixed. See you there.

[00:00:23] Hi, and welcome to Fall Asleep with Henrik. I'm Henrik, and you're sleepy. And it is what it is. What happens, happens. And right now, there's nothing we can do. Let's go.

[00:00:47] Hello. Hi Sleepy. I'm really glad to be here again, although technically I'm not really here. It's one of the illusions of content creation that to you I appear to be there where you are at the moment.

[00:01:12] But of course I'm not. I am, in a way, separated from you, both within time and space. And what you're hearing is not me, if there even is such a thing as a real objective me.

[00:01:38] What you're hearing is a digital copy of my voice. So don't read too much into it. This is really a podcast that, as a thumb rule, rule of thumb, you should take everything I say with a large grain of salt.

[00:02:02] I am not really an expert or good at anything particular. I'm just me. I'm Henrik. And as far as this podcast goes, you are sleepy. So that's our predetermined roles. I'm Henrik, and you are sleepy.

[00:02:26] And it's a good thing, and it's a good thing, because you can decide what Henrik is and what Sleepy is. It's totally up to you to decide what contains, what the role Sleepy contains and the role Henrik contains.

[00:02:44] I can be anyone to say, I can be anyone to say, I can be anyone, just as long as you're called Sleepy. You can even be not Sleepy. You know, you could be whatever you want. And every time I call you Sleepy, you could just mumble to yourself, that's not my name, you idiot. Say it right next time, you know, whatever dynamic works for you.

[00:03:12] So my name is Henrik Stål. I live in Sweden, and I work as an actor and a podcaster and a writer. And I've been doing this podcast in Swedish for many years. And now I do it in English.

[00:03:31] I am very, very interested in reaching out to a wider audience. I want to meet people from all around the world through this podcast. I want my voice to be of service on a larger scale.

[00:03:52] So please, if you like this podcast, if it helps you or if it appeals to you in any way, please share it. Tell your friends about it. Leave a review or in any other way, spread it.

[00:04:07] So I have this goal. I'm going to tell you now my real goal. I've only told this goal to one person, one very important person in my life previous.

[00:04:27] And now I'm going to tell it to you as well, because you're next in line to know this.

[00:04:35] So my goal for Fall Asleep With Henrik is to have one million listeners throughout the world.

[00:04:51] Right now, I guess I have, well, that's an astronomically, no, it's a microscopic number, not astronomically.

[00:05:04] The number of listeners I reach at the moment are like, maybe it's around 2000 people.

[00:05:18] So it's not a lot.

[00:05:22] This month, I have reached the number of like 4000 listens, which is much lower than my previous month.

[00:05:33] But that's because I got a lot of help on my first month, for which I'm eternally grateful.

[00:05:46] But this month is more organically.

[00:05:49] And 4000, almost 5000 listens is like this huge thing for a brand new podcast.

[00:05:58] So I came up with this idea a few years ago in 2018, when I was on tour with a play that I was doing.

[00:06:08] I was touring the inner country of Sweden and around a city called Umeå at a theater group called Profiltheatern.

[00:06:19] Profile Theatern, profile theater in English.

[00:06:24] And I really love this group.

[00:06:30] They have become close friends, closed.

[00:06:33] They've become close friends of mine.

[00:06:35] And there's really this deep connection, I feel, with them.

[00:06:42] It's been many years since I work there now, but I've written stuff for them.

[00:06:48] And I've also played many parts for them over the years.

[00:06:52] So I was at this tour with a group.

[00:07:00] And they, well, we, me and another actor, we were driving around in a small truck,

[00:07:09] building the set ourself in each different venue.

[00:07:16] And it's hard work, you know, when you're not working in this great, grand theater setting,

[00:07:24] when there's a lot of staff and a whole team that works with the performance.

[00:07:29] So when you work in a small, in Sweden, we call it free group.

[00:07:34] That's a group that's not an institution.

[00:07:36] It's more of a loosely organized, not very much governmentally funded group,

[00:07:47] which performs theater.

[00:07:50] A lot of the plays are for children and together with the communes and schools.

[00:07:57] So what we were doing at the time was a children's play called Dump.

[00:08:03] And it was about this, what do you call it?

[00:08:10] The place where you, and where you put your garbage, this dump.

[00:08:15] Yeah, it was a dump.

[00:08:18] So we traveled all around Northern Sweden and played in all different kinds of settings,

[00:08:25] in schools, in PA rooms.

[00:08:33] What do you call it?

[00:08:34] Where you have like gymnastics and in classrooms and also on regular stages.

[00:08:44] And during this time, I had trouble sleeping.

[00:08:48] I also had a lot of free time in a city that's not my own.

[00:08:53] So I was, I was away from home for very long.

[00:08:58] And during that time, I was experimenting with ways of falling asleep.

[00:09:06] I'm sorry for clearing my throat so much.

[00:09:09] I'm not going to keep doing this.

[00:09:10] I promise you.

[00:09:12] It's one of the things with fall asleep with Hendrik is that you get what you get.

[00:09:16] I'm not going to edit anything out.

[00:09:20] I just record.

[00:09:21] And what happens, happens, you know?

[00:09:24] So I haven't prepared anything.

[00:09:28] I haven't made up what I'm going to talk about.

[00:09:32] I don't know.

[00:09:33] That's the pure and simple, honest truth.

[00:09:35] Just like living is.

[00:09:40] You never know.

[00:09:43] And you're never prepared for it.

[00:09:46] You know?

[00:09:47] All of a sudden, things just change.

[00:09:56] That's almost like a made-up thing.

[00:10:00] Sometimes I think that someone must have made this up, you know?

[00:10:06] Because it's too dramatic.

[00:10:09] It's too in line with the way we tell our stories.

[00:10:12] Like everything is normal and then all of a sudden something changes.

[00:10:17] And then everything is changed and the world has a new color and a new shape and a new smell.

[00:10:28] So that's how we build all our stories.

[00:10:32] But then I think more closely and I think that, of course, our stories are built that way because life is that way.

[00:10:40] So I don't believe that life imitates the arts.

[00:10:43] I mean, the art imitates life, of course.

[00:10:47] Sometimes I feel like it's almost too ironic, the stuff that happens in your life.

[00:11:00] Stuff changes in a way that, of course, you're never prepared.

[00:11:06] But at second thought, you think that, well, this figures, you know?

[00:11:13] Of course this happened.

[00:11:14] Of course this happened.

[00:11:17] I've been wide open for this, you know?

[00:11:23] I've been screaming my lungs out without even knowing it.

[00:11:28] And now this happens.

[00:11:32] So I believe in a way that we have more control over things than we know.

[00:11:36] But at the same time, we don't have any control.

[00:11:39] And that's something I really want to put out there in this podcast, that we don't have control.

[00:11:46] Because we don't.

[00:11:48] Although we do, you know?

[00:11:53] You can't aim for stuff and make it happen unless they happen, you know?

[00:11:59] There's so many things that I can think of that I want to make happen, but it's impossible.

[00:12:06] For instance, I'd like to live like being forever young and having my loved ones around me for all eternity.

[00:12:20] But I can't, and I know that.

[00:12:26] So there are fundamental things that I cannot change.

[00:12:32] Or maybe I can, you know?

[00:12:34] But I think there's value in keeping the underthought within you that you really can't change stuff.

[00:12:47] Not fundamental stuff anyway.

[00:12:53] You can't control chaos.

[00:12:55] You can't control random coincidences.

[00:13:00] You can't.

[00:13:02] All of a sudden, something happens and you're never prepared for it.

[00:13:07] And it's okay.

[00:13:09] Because that's us.

[00:13:10] It's life.

[00:13:12] It's the existence thing that we all care so much about.

[00:13:18] And I, for one, feel connected to the universe when I embrace the fact that I don't have any control.

[00:13:27] Although I do.

[00:13:32] Maybe it's my own universe that I can control.

[00:13:36] Maybe if I keep some plasticity in my own universe, I get by better than if it becomes rigid and frozen.

[00:13:51] Maybe that's the secret.

[00:13:53] I don't know.

[00:13:56] So, sorry for the digression.

[00:14:00] So I was at this tour and me and my friend Lina, we were driving around.

[00:14:08] Just us in this small truck that we rented.

[00:14:12] And it was loaded with sonography and props.

[00:14:17] And for each city that we arrived at, we built at this new stage, this new venue, this room.

[00:14:27] We constructed again and again and again our stage.

[00:14:32] The sonography and the sound and light equipment.

[00:14:38] And then we just waited for the kids to arrive and we did the play.

[00:14:44] And it was about an hour long.

[00:14:49] And it was about friendship.

[00:14:52] It was about meeting a friend where you don't expect to meet a friend.

[00:14:58] And I don't quite remember because this was a very turbulent time in my life.

[00:15:03] I was in the process of really examining my own lifestyle.

[00:15:13] And it was a very rocky, shaky period in my life overall.

[00:15:23] So I don't keep tabs on really what this play was about.

[00:15:30] But after a while as well, all the plays that you've done, that I've done, they melt together into this random fragmented sort of mishmash between different plays and stages and events.

[00:15:49] But it was about friendship.

[00:16:17] And paper or electric products goes in this bin, for instance.

[00:16:23] And then there's this girl who shows up and she's, maybe she's a fugitive.

[00:16:29] I don't know.

[00:16:30] We never really, we wrote the play ourselves during rehearsals.

[00:16:35] So there was no script.

[00:16:37] There was just this improv that turned into this play.

[00:16:42] And it was a very messy rehearsal period with a lot of emotion.

[00:16:46] And we never really understood what this play was about.

[00:16:51] But eventually when meeting the audience, it was like this.

[00:16:55] It was clear that it was about reaching outside of your own walls.

[00:17:03] And the gift that this can bring to you.

[00:17:05] I mean, this is, and as I'm talking about it right now, I feel that this is what I'm doing right now.

[00:17:14] That is what I'm doing.

[00:17:17] It's a curious thing that you, whenever I record these episodes, I don't have a plan.

[00:17:26] Sometimes maybe I have something that I want to say, but almost never, I never write anything down.

[00:17:36] And, but anyways, it's, whenever I start, I tend to be talking about stuff that is an actuality for me right now.

[00:17:51] So there's always this presence of me in my own life, in what I do.

[00:18:01] And I always realize afterwards that, okay, so I was talking about this today.

[00:18:08] And that's, of course, it's, it's very much aligned with my, with that and this and that in my own life.

[00:18:17] It doesn't matter what, what I talk about.

[00:18:19] Often it becomes, it comes in the shapes of, of symbols and, and I, I talk about one thing when it's really about another and such.

[00:18:32] So for this instance, I, I didn't plan to be telling you about this play, Dump, but it's actually like my life right now.

[00:18:41] So I'm reaching outside of my own.

[00:18:43] And I've been living this life where I, I've been putting the right stuff in the right bins for a, for a while now.

[00:18:53] And it's been very important to me to do that.

[00:18:57] And recently I just felt this urge to let go of that a little and venture into something else, something, something that is brand open, you know, like, like the sea.

[00:19:19] I can't really describe it better.

[00:19:27] I think also English is not my first language.

[00:19:30] So I don't, I think it's going quite well right now.

[00:19:34] As a matter of fact, I think I, I, I, I appear to be in the flow, in the zone right now, but this can change like really fast.

[00:19:44] And if that happens, when it happens, I'm sorry, you'll have to keep up with it.

[00:19:48] You'll have to tag along anyways, because you're sleepy and I am Henrik and it's just the way it is.

[00:19:59] But Lina played this fugitive, this girl who had been hiding on the dump, in the dump, because she had nowhere to stay.

[00:20:12] And it's not clear in the story whether or not she's an actual person or if she's some kind of entity.

[00:20:19] I don't know.

[00:20:20] And same goes for my character, which I don't remember is, I don't remember any of the characters' names.

[00:20:26] But I was, first there's this collision between the two characters because the, the fugitive, the runaway, she, she doesn't do anything correct.

[00:20:44] She just messes everything up and it's so, so much, so much that I'm, it's in this play.

[00:20:56] I, I'm not making this up, by the way, the play is actually about this and yeah.

[00:21:04] So, and I didn't plan to be talking about this either.

[00:21:09] Sorry, I'll get to the point.

[00:21:15] So, I don't remember, that's the shame of it.

[00:21:21] I don't remember exactly how, but they, they end up like in this standoff where order meets chaos.

[00:21:33] I have such an issue with the word chaos.

[00:21:38] If you, if you have it in you, please write, reach out to me on social media or an email or any other way.

[00:21:46] If you want to write me, you can reach me at my, my website kirinaya.com.

[00:21:51] K-I-R-I-N-J-A dot com.

[00:21:59] Kirinaya dot com.

[00:22:01] Write to me and tell me how you pronounce chaos.

[00:22:05] Chaos.

[00:22:07] In Sweden we say chaos.

[00:22:08] Like the word for this herbivore.

[00:22:13] Like you have in, or we all have, like farmers have.

[00:22:19] And then they produce milk and, and greenhouse gases.

[00:22:26] That's not what I'm talking about.

[00:22:29] So, order and chaos meet each other.

[00:22:35] And there's, everything breaks.

[00:22:38] And the children that were watching this, they, of course, they took different sides.

[00:22:48] In the beginning, they thought that the fugitive, the runaway, the whatever she was, she destroyed everything that my character had built.

[00:22:59] Because it was very clear that my character was very much in need.

[00:23:05] My character didn't have any friends.

[00:23:07] He was lonely.

[00:23:08] He tried to make contact with his co-worker, which also played by Nina, Lina.

[00:23:14] Which was, she, she came in with a mask or this helmet.

[00:23:21] But she didn't want to engage.

[00:23:23] She didn't want to talk to me, to my character.

[00:23:25] So my character was extremely lonely.

[00:23:29] And he tried to reach out to his peers, so to speak.

[00:23:32] But they didn't want anything to do with him.

[00:23:35] So it was this very stale, dead zone around him.

[00:23:46] My character.

[00:23:48] And so the thing that was most important to him, or even the very thing, the only thing that was important to him was this order that he kept around himself.

[00:24:00] And then this girl came in and she just messed everything up.

[00:24:03] And she just threw stuff in the wrong bins.

[00:24:05] And she wanted to play, like throw a ball.

[00:24:09] And she wanted to experiment and eat stuff that you couldn't eat.

[00:24:13] And she wanted to, like, take control over it.

[00:24:17] And he panicked.

[00:24:18] So he was really, yeah, he was really suffering.

[00:24:23] So initially the children in the audience, they took his side.

[00:24:27] But then he started to be very mean to this fugitive.

[00:24:31] And then the children quickly changed sides.

[00:24:35] So they were very involved in the story.

[00:24:39] They were seated on the floor, like in the sonography.

[00:24:43] So it was like this very intimate play where the audience was, like, right in the middle of the play.

[00:24:53] And they were overall very small audiences.

[00:24:57] Like most, at most, I think they were like 25, 30 people.

[00:25:04] Kids and their school teachers.

[00:25:05] Kids and their school teachers.

[00:25:11] And so it was almost like it was the audience who provoked the change.

[00:25:17] But of course they didn't.

[00:25:18] We had it all scripted.

[00:25:19] But it was like they were controlling it, the narrative.

[00:25:24] And I guess that was a very empowering thing for them.

[00:25:27] Because afterwards they wanted to talk and talk for hours about what was right and what was wrong.

[00:25:34] And they had very high hopes for these two characters.

[00:25:37] Because in the end they, like, found each other.

[00:25:41] And they both became like, yeah, it was something new had been created.

[00:25:50] And they weren't alone anymore.

[00:25:52] That was a very fine, very...

[00:25:55] It was a beautiful thing.

[00:25:59] Which it is.

[00:26:00] I mean, of course.

[00:26:02] The end of loneliness, you know.

[00:26:04] And there was this very dark streak around Lina's character.

[00:26:16] That she had been through something horrifying.

[00:26:20] Like something no one really should be put through.

[00:26:25] Sometimes when we talk about trauma.

[00:26:28] Me and the people around me.

[00:26:30] We don't really know, you know.

[00:26:33] Of course everyone carries trauma.

[00:26:36] But...

[00:26:36] And I mean that.

[00:26:38] All of us have, like, genuine trauma.

[00:26:43] But there's trauma and then there's, you know, the complete lack of light.

[00:26:50] Which is the case for so many people.

[00:26:57] Sometimes I lay awake at night and I think about all the people in the world that is suffering right now.

[00:27:08] And I imagine them, like, the sound of them.

[00:27:13] Like, maybe they scream.

[00:27:16] And there's not...

[00:27:17] It's not a horrific experience.

[00:27:20] Because I think I keep it at the distance.

[00:27:22] And it's also so very...

[00:27:25] It's a fluffy thought because it's...

[00:27:28] I can't embrace it.

[00:27:32] I can't embrace it.

[00:27:32] You know, the collective suffering of the humans of the world.

[00:27:36] But if I could, maybe there was...

[00:27:39] It would be this sound that would be, like, very familiar.

[00:27:45] Maybe that's the sound that is deep within us all.

[00:27:47] Because, of course, deep in us it's always a grand of a core of maybe...

[00:27:59] No, I don't want to say core of suffering.

[00:28:01] But because I don't think that suffering is the core of being.

[00:28:06] I really think that just consciousness is the core of being.

[00:28:10] But, of course, there's this grain within us that is pitch black, you know.

[00:28:17] From something or someone or the lack of said things.

[00:28:28] And in this play, these two characters, they...

[00:28:32] Their pitch black inner cores got exposed.

[00:28:39] And that was their salvation, you know.

[00:28:42] So it was a very, you know...

[00:28:45] It was a very clear story about what really should be happening in the best of worlds.

[00:28:52] And, of course, life is more complex than that.

[00:28:54] You can't really just snap your fingers and reach out and everything will be solved.

[00:29:06] But recently I've come to think that it's really all about connection and sense of belonging.

[00:29:13] It's really all about that.

[00:29:16] I...

[00:29:16] And that's why I do this podcast in English.

[00:29:19] And that's what I...

[00:29:20] That's why I want it to grow.

[00:29:24] Because it's really all about connection.

[00:29:27] And it's really all about the feeling of connectivity.

[00:29:31] I want to belong to you.

[00:29:33] Like, not in a literal sense.

[00:29:36] Please don't get me wrong.

[00:29:38] I want to be my...

[00:29:39] I want to be my own, you know.

[00:29:42] But I want to belong...

[00:29:47] I want this to belong to you.

[00:29:49] I want this podcast to belong to you.

[00:29:52] To your heart.

[00:29:53] Or whatever you...

[00:29:55] Wherever you put your center.

[00:30:02] So this was a very intense experience.

[00:30:05] This tour.

[00:30:06] We had such a lovely time.

[00:30:08] I really love Lina.

[00:30:11] And...

[00:30:11] I keep returning to her from time to time in my Swedish podcast as well.

[00:30:17] She's maybe...

[00:30:18] Maybe she's one of my best friends.

[00:30:20] Although we almost never talk anymore.

[00:30:22] And I don't know really why.

[00:30:24] We live very far apart.

[00:30:27] And...

[00:30:27] Yeah.

[00:30:28] It is what it is, you know.

[00:30:29] And as a grown-up, things happen.

[00:30:34] But I really...

[00:30:35] I really love her.

[00:30:37] Like this genuine friendship, you know.

[00:30:41] And...

[00:30:43] So...

[00:30:45] We had...

[00:30:45] We had a wonderful time.

[00:30:47] Although my...

[00:30:48] My life was...

[00:30:50] Upside down.

[00:30:51] At that time.

[00:30:52] This was 2018.

[00:30:56] And...

[00:30:57] Or maybe...

[00:30:58] The later part of 2017.

[00:31:03] So...

[00:31:04] I...

[00:31:06] Started to experiment with different ways of falling asleep.

[00:31:10] In different hotel rooms.

[00:31:11] And...

[00:31:12] I came...

[00:31:13] I realized that I felt asleep very...

[00:31:16] Very well.

[00:31:17] Very good to...

[00:31:18] Spoken audio.

[00:31:20] Like this.

[00:31:21] But I couldn't fall asleep to...

[00:31:25] These...

[00:31:26] Traditionally shaped lullabies.

[00:31:29] Like...

[00:31:29] An old man with a slow voice...

[00:31:32] Reads to you about the cozy cafe...

[00:31:35] On a busy street.

[00:31:37] I couldn't...

[00:31:38] I couldn't fall asleep to stuff that was aimed for me to fall asleep.

[00:31:44] I couldn't relax.

[00:31:46] And I couldn't relax to...

[00:31:48] Like...

[00:31:49] Guided meditations and stuff.

[00:31:51] Because I got so provoked.

[00:31:53] Maybe I had the wrong material.

[00:31:56] Nowadays I...

[00:31:58] Meditate...

[00:31:58] Every day.

[00:31:59] And...

[00:31:59] But that's new to me.

[00:32:01] But...

[00:32:01] That's maybe like a year old.

[00:32:04] And...

[00:32:05] The reason I can do this is because I took my own control about what I...

[00:32:10] Think and feel and...

[00:32:13] Presume meditation to be.

[00:32:15] At that time I just got provoked...

[00:32:19] By the people that...

[00:32:21] Was trying to lead me.

[00:32:22] And they were...

[00:32:23] All trying to just...

[00:32:24] Make me see stuff that...

[00:32:27] I didn't have any connection to.

[00:32:30] Like for instance...

[00:32:31] They could say stuff like...

[00:32:33] You're walking across a...

[00:32:35] Moist meadow.

[00:32:37] You know?

[00:32:38] Or whatever.

[00:32:39] There are...

[00:32:42] Sheep...

[00:32:43] Like...

[00:32:43] A few meters away and you can hear the sounds.

[00:32:46] And...

[00:32:46] And I...

[00:32:47] I always got so...

[00:32:49] Irritated.

[00:32:50] Because...

[00:32:51] You don't know me.

[00:32:52] I thought.

[00:32:53] You don't know...

[00:32:53] What I'm going through.

[00:32:55] And the worst thing was...

[00:32:57] When they started to tell me...

[00:32:59] That I...

[00:32:59] How I was feeling.

[00:33:02] That they were saying stuff like...

[00:33:05] You feel heavy.

[00:33:07] Or...

[00:33:07] Feel the weight of your body.

[00:33:10] And...

[00:33:11] They started to say stuff like...

[00:33:14] You're feeling relaxed.

[00:33:16] You feel peace coming over you.

[00:33:19] And...

[00:33:19] How could you know that?

[00:33:21] How do you know?

[00:33:22] How do you know how I feel?

[00:33:24] I don't want to be told what to do.

[00:33:27] I want to be...

[00:33:29] Intrigued.

[00:33:33] I want to be fired up.

[00:33:35] I want to laugh.

[00:33:37] I don't want to like...

[00:33:38] Laugh until I cry.

[00:33:40] But...

[00:33:41] Even that is better than...

[00:33:43] Being told that I'm looking at a fluffy cloud or...

[00:33:47] A...

[00:33:48] A...

[00:33:48] Little butterfly on my...

[00:33:51] Fingertip.

[00:33:53] I just...

[00:33:54] That didn't work for me.

[00:33:56] And I don't really think it works for anyone.

[00:33:58] Except maybe if their voice and the setting are...

[00:34:01] Right...

[00:34:02] Then...

[00:34:04] Like perfect...

[00:34:05] For that particular individual.

[00:34:08] Otherwise...

[00:34:08] It should...

[00:34:09] It's just...

[00:34:11] You know?

[00:34:12] It's stuff that we think works.

[00:34:14] Because it's...

[00:34:15] The purpose is so clear.

[00:34:18] And...

[00:34:18] Maybe there are...

[00:34:20] Wonderful illustrations over the app and...

[00:34:23] And over the...

[00:34:24] Audio book or podcast or whatever.

[00:34:28] But there is nothing more.

[00:34:32] So I tended to fall asleep to...

[00:34:34] Podcasts and audio books that I found interesting.

[00:34:38] So for instance...

[00:34:39] I...

[00:34:40] I have this...

[00:34:41] I had this...

[00:34:42] I read this book in Swedish.

[00:34:44] I...

[00:34:44] I listened to it.

[00:34:46] Uh...

[00:34:47] An...

[00:34:47] An audio book...

[00:34:49] Uh...

[00:34:49] Uh...

[00:34:53] Uh...

[00:34:53] About the Black Death in Europe.

[00:34:55] In the...

[00:34:56] 13th century.

[00:34:58] No, it's the...

[00:34:59] 12th century.

[00:35:00] Sorry.

[00:35:01] No.

[00:35:01] Oh, I'm so bad at this...

[00:35:03] With the century stuff.

[00:35:05] So it was in the 1300s.

[00:35:07] I don't know what...

[00:35:08] Century is that.

[00:35:09] Is it?

[00:35:10] The 1900s was the 20th century.

[00:35:14] So that...

[00:35:14] That's...

[00:35:15] That means...

[00:35:17] That the 1300s is the 14th century.

[00:35:21] Am I right?

[00:35:23] I could be wrong.

[00:35:24] But that's okay.

[00:35:26] This is not a...

[00:35:27] This is not a source for facts.

[00:35:29] You know?

[00:35:31] Unless I say facts...

[00:35:33] That are true.

[00:35:34] Then of course it's a source for facts.

[00:35:36] But I never know.

[00:35:38] I don't do research.

[00:35:41] So I was reading...

[00:35:42] I was listening to this book about the Black Death in Europe.

[00:35:45] And I found it really interesting.

[00:35:47] But not very soothing.

[00:35:49] Because it's...

[00:35:49] I mean...

[00:35:50] Yeah.

[00:35:51] It's about the Black Death.

[00:35:52] And like a third of the population of Europe just died.

[00:35:56] And no one knew why.

[00:35:58] And people blamed...

[00:35:59] Particular groups in society.

[00:36:02] And ethnicities.

[00:36:05] And...

[00:36:06] And...

[00:36:07] They blamed...

[00:36:09] They blamed...

[00:36:09] Poisoned water in the wells.

[00:36:11] And bad air.

[00:36:13] And...

[00:36:13] The punishment of God.

[00:36:14] God.

[00:36:16] God's punishment.

[00:36:20] And...

[00:36:21] Nothing of that was right.

[00:36:23] There's actually this quote...

[00:36:25] From one...

[00:36:28] Contemporary...

[00:36:29] Dude...

[00:36:29] At the time.

[00:36:33] Who...

[00:36:34] Without knowing it...

[00:36:36] Was so close to the actual truth.

[00:36:38] So...

[00:36:39] This bacterium...

[00:36:41] This...

[00:36:42] This...

[00:36:42] Pestis...

[00:36:43] Uh...

[00:36:44] Microbe...

[00:36:45] Which was the carrier of the...

[00:36:48] The...

[00:36:49] The...

[00:36:49] Black Death...

[00:36:51] Was...

[00:36:52] That was...

[00:36:53] Like...

[00:36:55] Uh...

[00:36:55] It was carried around by rats.

[00:36:58] So...

[00:36:59] The...

[00:36:59] And the rats was...

[00:37:01] Uh...

[00:37:02] Uh...

[00:37:03] Uh...

[00:37:03] Uh...

[00:37:07] Uh...

[00:37:08] So the fleas got...

[00:37:10] The...

[00:37:10] The...

[00:37:10] The...

[00:37:11] The bacteria.

[00:37:12] And the fleas...

[00:37:14] They...

[00:37:14] Bite the...

[00:37:15] The mice.

[00:37:16] And the mice.

[00:37:17] And then every...

[00:37:19] The fleas die.

[00:37:21] And the mice die.

[00:37:22] And when there's no more fleas...

[00:37:24] When there's no more mice...

[00:37:26] The fleas...

[00:37:28] Keep on...

[00:37:29] To the next living thing.

[00:37:30] Which is humans in this case.

[00:37:32] And other animals as well.

[00:37:35] So...

[00:37:36] There's this guy who said...

[00:37:37] At the time.

[00:37:38] He had written a letter...

[00:37:39] To a friend or something.

[00:37:40] And he says that...

[00:37:42] He is certain that God...

[00:37:43] Will protect him from this...

[00:37:45] Disease.

[00:37:47] And he's...

[00:37:49] He is...

[00:37:51] That little afraid.

[00:37:52] He is just as little afraid...

[00:37:55] Of...

[00:37:55] The black death...

[00:37:57] As he is...

[00:37:58] From the bite of...

[00:37:59] A flea.

[00:38:01] You know...

[00:38:02] Because flea bites...

[00:38:03] Was a very common thing.

[00:38:04] Because fleas were everywhere.

[00:38:05] So it's not just...

[00:38:06] If you get flea bites today...

[00:38:08] You get...

[00:38:08] Like...

[00:38:09] Very concerned.

[00:38:10] But that was not the case...

[00:38:12] In the middle ages.

[00:38:14] So...

[00:38:15] You weren't...

[00:38:16] Afraid at all...

[00:38:18] By flea bites.

[00:38:19] It's like a mosquito bite is today...

[00:38:21] If you live in...

[00:38:22] A world where mosquito bites are harmless.

[00:38:27] So...

[00:38:27] Uh...

[00:38:29] But of course...

[00:38:29] But of course...

[00:38:30] Being bitten by a flea...

[00:38:31] During the black death in Europe...

[00:38:33] And the rest of the world for that matter...

[00:38:36] Was like this serious...

[00:38:38] It was like this serious...

[00:38:38] Very serious thing.

[00:38:40] But he didn't know that.

[00:38:41] So he...

[00:38:43] He just talked about it...

[00:38:45] Like it's...

[00:38:45] A very trivial thing.

[00:38:48] God is not gonna let me...

[00:38:50] Get infected by this disease...

[00:38:52] Because...

[00:38:53] He will keep me safe...

[00:38:55] And...

[00:38:56] So I'm...

[00:38:57] I'm just as...

[00:38:59] Much afraid of...

[00:39:01] Being...

[00:39:02] Contaminated by the black death...

[00:39:04] As I am...

[00:39:06] Afraid of a flea bite.

[00:39:09] And you wanna reach back in history...

[00:39:11] And say...

[00:39:12] Oh please do...

[00:39:13] Beware of the flea bites...

[00:39:15] You know...

[00:39:16] Forget about God for that...

[00:39:18] For an instance...

[00:39:19] Because he is not...

[00:39:20] Really...

[00:39:21] It doesn't really...

[00:39:23] Work that way.

[00:39:24] Or maybe it does...

[00:39:26] I'm sorry if you're religious...

[00:39:28] Sleepy...

[00:39:28] I don't wanna...

[00:39:30] I don't wanna provoke you.

[00:39:32] I mean...

[00:39:33] I don't wanna...

[00:39:33] Mess with you.

[00:39:35] Everyone has his own...

[00:39:37] Beliefs...

[00:39:38] System.

[00:39:40] I am raised Catholic...

[00:39:41] By the way.

[00:39:42] I was...

[00:39:44] When I was a child...

[00:39:46] My mother and father...

[00:39:47] Converted into Catholicism...

[00:39:49] And...

[00:39:49] And there is still...

[00:39:52] That...

[00:39:52] To this day.

[00:39:54] So I was a choir boy...

[00:39:56] And...

[00:39:58] And...

[00:39:59] I had a great time...

[00:40:01] In church.

[00:40:03] I never...

[00:40:04] Went through anything...

[00:40:06] Traumatic.

[00:40:07] And...

[00:40:08] There was this...

[00:40:09] Youth group...

[00:40:11] And we had a lot of fun...

[00:40:15] Yeah...

[00:40:15] So anyway...

[00:40:16] I was listening to this book...

[00:40:17] About the Black Death...

[00:40:18] And...

[00:40:19] I kept falling asleep...

[00:40:21] To it...

[00:40:22] Because I liked it...

[00:40:23] And I found it interesting...

[00:40:25] Interesting...

[00:40:25] I mean...

[00:40:26] It is very interesting...

[00:40:27] To listen to stuff about...

[00:40:30] Grand...

[00:40:30] Overwhelming things...

[00:40:32] That's happened in the past...

[00:40:33] Because...

[00:40:34] You sit there...

[00:40:35] And you have the solution...

[00:40:36] And you have the...

[00:40:37] You can look back at it...

[00:40:39] With all the facts...

[00:40:40] On the table...

[00:40:41] Like...

[00:40:41] I can understand...

[00:40:43] Why...

[00:40:44] The stuff happened...

[00:40:47] In a way that...

[00:40:48] The people living at the time...

[00:40:50] Couldn't...

[00:40:50] They didn't know...

[00:40:51] Whatever bacteria was...

[00:40:53] They didn't know...

[00:40:54] That the fleas...

[00:40:55] And the mice were...

[00:40:56] And the rats...

[00:40:57] Were spreading the disease...

[00:40:59] The black rat...

[00:41:02] So...

[00:41:03] But I know that...

[00:41:05] And...

[00:41:06] But what I don't know...

[00:41:08] Is like...

[00:41:08] The contemporary...

[00:41:10] Bursts of culture...

[00:41:12] And energy...

[00:41:13] And...

[00:41:15] Scarcity...

[00:41:16] And fear...

[00:41:16] And also success stories...

[00:41:18] That was...

[00:41:20] Just sprung out...

[00:41:22] From this tragedy...

[00:41:23] And that's very interesting...

[00:41:25] And I really mean that...

[00:41:27] I...

[00:41:27] I don't want to sound...

[00:41:29] Macabre or something...

[00:41:30] But it's...

[00:41:31] Really an interest of mine...

[00:41:33] To learn about...

[00:41:34] How people have coped with...

[00:41:38] Unimaginably...

[00:41:38] Difficult things in the past...

[00:41:41] I mean...

[00:41:41] Imagine...

[00:41:43] Not knowing...

[00:41:44] What this is...

[00:41:45] And...

[00:41:47] Like...

[00:41:48] It happens to everyone...

[00:41:50] Like kings...

[00:41:51] And beggars...

[00:41:53] Everyone...

[00:41:56] And...

[00:41:57] There are so many rumors...

[00:42:00] Running around...

[00:42:02] And maybe people were...

[00:42:03] Some people were...

[00:42:04] Quite sure about...

[00:42:05] What this was...

[00:42:06] But there must have been people...

[00:42:08] Who were...

[00:42:09] Doubting...

[00:42:10] You know...

[00:42:10] Who wasn't sure...

[00:42:14] So I'm listening to this...

[00:42:15] And I keep falling asleep...

[00:42:17] And when I wake up...

[00:42:18] I don't know where I dozed off...

[00:42:20] So I have to...

[00:42:20] Like...

[00:42:21] Go back...

[00:42:22] In the...

[00:42:23] Audiobook...

[00:42:24] And look for the place...

[00:42:25] The last place I remember...

[00:42:27] Before I fell asleep...

[00:42:28] And that was...

[00:42:29] Always a very...

[00:42:32] Time-consuming...

[00:42:33] And frustrating thing to do...

[00:42:35] So then I came up...

[00:42:37] With this idea...

[00:42:38] That I should have this...

[00:42:41] Podcast that's not...

[00:42:43] Meant really...

[00:42:45] For you to fall asleep...

[00:42:46] Although it is...

[00:42:49] I want of course...

[00:42:51] To make you fall asleep...

[00:42:52] I...

[00:42:53] Talk in a...

[00:42:54] Monotone...

[00:42:55] Quite soothing...

[00:42:57] Way...

[00:42:57] And I...

[00:42:59] I don't...

[00:43:01] Change the character...

[00:43:02] Of my voice...

[00:43:03] And stuff...

[00:43:04] Even if I do other parts...

[00:43:05] Roles...

[00:43:06] And...

[00:43:07] Tell stories...

[00:43:08] And...

[00:43:09] Talk about different...

[00:43:10] Topics...

[00:43:11] I never...

[00:43:13] Change the way I speak...

[00:43:14] And that's of course...

[00:43:15] Because I want you to be...

[00:43:17] Able to doze off...

[00:43:18] If you want to...

[00:43:20] And I don't...

[00:43:22] Write anything down...

[00:43:23] Because I don't want it to be...

[00:43:25] Like...

[00:43:25] Good...

[00:43:26] Quote-unquote...

[00:43:27] Good content...

[00:43:28] I want this to be...

[00:43:29] Whatever it is...

[00:43:33] But I don't want to bore you...

[00:43:37] I don't want to...

[00:43:38] Lull you into sleep...

[00:43:40] Intentionally...

[00:43:41] Because I believe that...

[00:43:43] Although this...

[00:43:44] That could work for...

[00:43:46] A small group of people...

[00:43:48] And...

[00:43:48] Maybe...

[00:43:49] For a while...

[00:43:51] You know...

[00:43:51] One or two...

[00:43:52] Nights...

[00:43:53] It's not an...

[00:43:56] It's not a solution...

[00:43:57] That fits...

[00:43:59] A lot of people...

[00:44:00] So I could be reading from...

[00:44:03] Like an old phone book...

[00:44:04] Or something...

[00:44:05] I could be reading...

[00:44:06] Like instruction manuals...

[00:44:08] For boring technical...

[00:44:10] Products...

[00:44:11] But...

[00:44:12] That's not...

[00:44:12] What I do...

[00:44:14] So I...

[00:44:15] What you should know...

[00:44:17] Is that I'm actually...

[00:44:18] Trying to entertain you...

[00:44:20] Although I'm not equipped...

[00:44:22] To do that...

[00:44:22] Fully...

[00:44:24] Because I haven't prepared anything...

[00:44:26] And I'm not...

[00:44:29] Editing anything out...

[00:44:33] So that's...

[00:44:34] What this is...

[00:44:36] And so I started...

[00:44:38] The podcast...

[00:44:39] In Swedish...

[00:44:41] And...

[00:44:41] I started out with...

[00:44:44] Like...

[00:44:45] Maybe five episodes...

[00:44:46] That I recorded on my phone...

[00:44:48] Lying down in the sofa...

[00:44:50] In my living room...

[00:44:51] And very soon...

[00:44:53] I found...

[00:44:54] That...

[00:44:54] There was a lot of people...

[00:44:56] There was this gap...

[00:44:58] People really needed to...

[00:45:00] Listen to stuff like this...

[00:45:02] Because it was not so...

[00:45:05] Conformed...

[00:45:06] You know...

[00:45:07] It wasn't...

[00:45:08] Patterned and...

[00:45:09] Patterned and...

[00:45:10] And...

[00:45:11] It wasn't...

[00:45:12] Like made from a template...

[00:45:13] Or something...

[00:45:14] It was just...

[00:45:15] I think people...

[00:45:17] Found it...

[00:45:19] Intriguing...

[00:45:20] When...

[00:45:20] In the beginning...

[00:45:21] At least...

[00:45:22] Somewhat raw...

[00:45:24] And...

[00:45:25] I released it...

[00:45:27] At a time...

[00:45:27] When...

[00:45:28] Podcasts in Sweden...

[00:45:29] Trying...

[00:45:30] Were...

[00:45:30] Were beginning to be...

[00:45:32] Very...

[00:45:32] Streamlined and...

[00:45:34] Very centered around...

[00:45:36] Famous people...

[00:45:37] Talking about their weeks...

[00:45:38] And stuff...

[00:45:39] Today...

[00:45:40] The climate...

[00:45:41] In podcasting...

[00:45:43] In Sweden is...

[00:45:44] A bit more diverse...

[00:45:46] And...

[00:45:46] There is something for everyone...

[00:45:47] And I don't think...

[00:45:48] I would have made it in Sweden...

[00:45:50] If I released...

[00:45:51] My Swedish version of this podcast...

[00:45:53] Now...

[00:45:55] But I was...

[00:45:56] It was in the right...

[00:45:57] Moment...

[00:45:58] Because then...

[00:45:59] The pandemic hit...

[00:46:00] And...

[00:46:01] Everyone started listening to podcasts...

[00:46:03] And then...

[00:46:03] By then...

[00:46:04] I was a very established...

[00:46:07] Podcast...

[00:46:08] So that's why...

[00:46:09] I today...

[00:46:10] Make a living out of this...

[00:46:12] Swedish version of this podcast...

[00:46:14] I don't make a living...

[00:46:16] Out of this English...

[00:46:17] Version of it...

[00:46:18] Just yet...

[00:46:19] I think I earn about...

[00:46:22] Well...

[00:46:24] Maybe...

[00:46:25] 50 or...

[00:46:26] 70 dollars...

[00:46:28] Per month...

[00:46:29] From you...

[00:46:30] You who listen at the moment...

[00:46:33] But it's okay...

[00:46:34] Because I...

[00:46:34] I can still make a living...

[00:46:36] Out of my Swedish...

[00:46:38] Podcast...

[00:46:39] And I'm so grateful for that...

[00:46:45] So that's the story of...

[00:46:47] How I came up with this...

[00:46:51] And it's...

[00:46:52] Truly changed my life...

[00:46:58] My life...

[00:46:59] Changed for the better...

[00:47:01] In so many ways...

[00:47:04] I...

[00:47:07] Transformed...

[00:47:08] And...

[00:47:09] As I'm sitting here today...

[00:47:13] Thinking about...

[00:47:16] All that's happened...

[00:47:18] I...

[00:47:19] I can't...

[00:47:22] Really get away from the fact...

[00:47:24] That it's all been so very good to me...

[00:47:27] I...

[00:47:27] I am...

[00:47:29] Really so genuinely grateful...

[00:47:31] For...

[00:47:34] For all of this...

[00:47:39] But it came from my...

[00:47:42] Longing for connection...

[00:47:45] And it came from my...

[00:47:48] Longing to be able to live...

[00:47:50] Fully...

[00:47:51] And...

[00:47:53] Without fear...

[00:47:55] And to reach out...

[00:47:57] To get...

[00:47:58] New things...

[00:47:59] Into my own universe...

[00:48:07] I...

[00:48:12] I...

[00:48:14] Have come to terms with the fact that...

[00:48:16] Almost everything in life...

[00:48:18] Hurts at some point...

[00:48:21] And...

[00:48:23] It's just the way it is...

[00:48:25] You know...

[00:48:26] The most wonderful things...

[00:48:30] The most beautiful things...

[00:48:33] In your life...

[00:48:34] Also hurt...

[00:48:35] At some points...

[00:48:39] And...

[00:48:41] Maybe...

[00:48:41] We can learn to live...

[00:48:44] Without putting so much emphasis on...

[00:48:48] What hurts and what doesn't...

[00:48:50] I mean...

[00:48:51] It's hard because our brains are wired that way...

[00:48:53] I read somewhere that the brain really...

[00:48:55] I don't really know if this is true or not...

[00:48:58] So please don't quote me...

[00:48:59] In any...

[00:49:00] You know...

[00:49:03] Anything you publish in Nature magazine or stuff...

[00:49:07] But...

[00:49:07] I...

[00:49:09] I read somewhere that the brain is not really equipped to...

[00:49:13] Tell the difference between feelings...

[00:49:15] As we grow...

[00:49:16] As we...

[00:49:17] Get older...

[00:49:18] We learn...

[00:49:19] The complexity of our emotions...

[00:49:22] By...

[00:49:23] Each other...

[00:49:24] So...

[00:49:24] When a small child is...

[00:49:27] Sad...

[00:49:28] It...

[00:49:28] Could...

[00:49:29] Just as well be happiness...

[00:49:31] You know...

[00:49:32] It's...

[00:49:33] Or maybe not...

[00:49:34] Maybe...

[00:49:35] Not that...

[00:49:37] Opposite...

[00:49:39] Okay...

[00:49:39] So...

[00:49:41] The brain really can tell the difference between...

[00:49:45] Lust and...

[00:49:48] Like...

[00:49:49] A lustful experience...

[00:49:52] I mean like...

[00:49:52] A positive experience...

[00:49:54] And hurt...

[00:49:56] Like something that hurts you...

[00:49:59] Discomfort...

[00:50:00] So the only...

[00:50:01] Really...

[00:50:02] The really only thing that is wired into you...

[00:50:07] Again...

[00:50:08] I could be wrong here...

[00:50:10] So please correct me if I'm wrong...

[00:50:11] But...

[00:50:12] As this...

[00:50:13] My...

[00:50:14] Interpretation of what I read so long ago is...

[00:50:17] That...

[00:50:18] The brain really knows...

[00:50:20] Just the difference between...

[00:50:22] Comfort and discomfort...

[00:50:23] So that's the only thing that we're really wired to experience...

[00:50:28] But then...

[00:50:29] We have this menagerie of...

[00:50:32] Menagerie...

[00:50:33] Menagerie...

[00:50:35] Of...

[00:50:37] Very subtle feelings...

[00:50:41] And...

[00:50:43] Emotion...

[00:50:44] And sometimes we don't even know the name of what we feel...

[00:50:48] And...

[00:50:49] The fact that we don't know...

[00:50:51] Is because...

[00:50:53] Our language doesn't have a word for that particular feeling...

[00:50:57] So feelings...

[00:50:59] Are a cultural phenomena...

[00:51:03] And I really...

[00:51:04] That really speaks to me...

[00:51:06] That...

[00:51:06] That...

[00:51:07] Thought really resonates with me...

[00:51:11] Because I'm...

[00:51:14] I'm very often...

[00:51:16] I don't...

[00:51:17] I don't want to say plagued...

[00:51:18] But...

[00:51:20] Affected...

[00:51:20] By...

[00:51:22] Emotions...

[00:51:23] That I cannot interpret...

[00:51:25] Because I don't have the word for it...

[00:51:27] And...

[00:51:27] I think it is because I...

[00:51:30] I am very emotionally oriented...

[00:51:34] I listen to...

[00:51:35] What's going on...

[00:51:36] In my emotional life...

[00:51:38] Constantly...

[00:51:39] And that's a...

[00:51:39] Pain for me...

[00:51:40] But also a gain I guess...

[00:51:45] Then I can...

[00:51:47] Then I can...

[00:51:52] I can...

[00:51:53] Like...

[00:51:53] Now...

[00:51:54] For instance...

[00:51:55] When I'm older...

[00:51:56] And...

[00:51:58] More...

[00:51:58] Kind to myself...

[00:52:00] I can watch these...

[00:52:05] Unnamed feelings...

[00:52:06] And I can just...

[00:52:07] Let them be there and...

[00:52:09] Let them do whatever they want to...

[00:52:12] I don't need to tag along...

[00:52:14] And I don't need to describe them...

[00:52:15] Or...

[00:52:15] Put them in a jar...

[00:52:17] Put them in the right place...

[00:52:19] Like my character in Dump...

[00:52:21] Put them in the right bin...

[00:52:23] I can just...

[00:52:25] Leave them...

[00:52:26] As the fugitive...

[00:52:27] The girl who just...

[00:52:29] Crashed my party...

[00:52:31] The wonderful person who crashed my party...

[00:52:38] So...

[00:52:43] I...

[00:52:48] Yeah...

[00:52:50] That's it...

[00:52:55] So...

[00:52:56] What you interpret...

[00:52:58] As...

[00:52:59] The feeling of envy...

[00:53:01] For instance...

[00:53:02] Or...

[00:53:02] The feeling of...

[00:53:09] I'm trying to find something that it's not...

[00:53:12] Very archetypical...

[00:53:14] Like...

[00:53:17] The feeling you have of...

[00:53:20] Loneliness under certain circumstances...

[00:53:24] It's not something that is wired into you...

[00:53:27] It's something that you...

[00:53:28] At one point in your life...

[00:53:30] Have been taught...

[00:53:32] Someone or something...

[00:53:34] Or yourself maybe...

[00:53:36] Taught you...

[00:53:38] To feel this...

[00:53:39] To name this emotion...

[00:53:43] Loneliness...

[00:53:43] Or...

[00:53:44] Being left out...

[00:53:45] Or...

[00:53:46] Being...

[00:53:49] Left behind...

[00:53:50] Or...

[00:53:56] Feeling that...

[00:53:57] You want to impress someone really bad...

[00:54:00] That's also something that you've been taught...

[00:54:03] In this...

[00:54:05] According to this theory...

[00:54:08] I don't know again...

[00:54:09] I don't know if it's true...

[00:54:10] But I feel...

[00:54:11] I found it very interesting...

[00:54:17] Right now for instance...

[00:54:19] I feel this wave of something...

[00:54:21] I can't really describe...

[00:54:26] Just...

[00:54:27] Coming like a wave from the...

[00:54:30] My...

[00:54:31] Like...

[00:54:32] Epicenter...

[00:54:33] My...

[00:54:33] Some deep level of my belly...

[00:54:36] And it just...

[00:54:38] Flows upwards...

[00:54:39] Into my chest...

[00:54:41] And...

[00:54:41] It breaks...

[00:54:43] And it fades away...

[00:54:46] I can feel this...

[00:54:53] When I...

[00:54:54] When I put my finger on it...

[00:54:55] I can really see it...

[00:54:57] And really feel it...

[00:54:58] But I can't describe it...

[00:55:01] Have you had that...

[00:55:03] Experience...

[00:55:04] Sleepy...

[00:55:06] I really...

[00:55:11] Earlier in my life...

[00:55:13] I struggled a lot with this...

[00:55:16] And it made me ill...

[00:55:19] And sometimes I...

[00:55:21] I feel sad that...

[00:55:23] I didn't have grown-ups around me...

[00:55:25] That could lead me...

[00:55:26] In this direction...

[00:55:28] To the place where I'm at right now...

[00:55:30] Because...

[00:55:31] That would have made things so much easier...

[00:55:34] I'm...

[00:55:35] Envious of my own...

[00:55:37] Child...

[00:55:38] Which...

[00:55:38] She's now...

[00:55:40] A young...

[00:55:41] Girl...

[00:55:42] And...

[00:55:43] She has...

[00:55:44] Like...

[00:55:44] Parents who can...

[00:55:47] Somewhat...

[00:55:48] At least guide her through...

[00:55:49] Difficult emotions...

[00:55:54] My parents...

[00:55:55] They...

[00:55:55] They could...

[00:55:56] Some of it...

[00:55:57] But...

[00:55:58] There were a lot of religion...

[00:56:00] For instance...

[00:56:02] That...

[00:56:03] Really...

[00:56:03] Very clearly...

[00:56:04] Told me...

[00:56:05] What was wrong...

[00:56:05] And what was right...

[00:56:06] And it didn't have so much to do with my...

[00:56:09] Actual emotions...

[00:56:10] It was more like...

[00:56:12] There is a right way to live...

[00:56:14] And there is a wrong way to live...

[00:56:15] And this emotion...

[00:56:17] Either fits the right...

[00:56:18] Way...

[00:56:19] Or it doesn't...

[00:56:21] And I...

[00:56:22] Believe that's a very harmful way...

[00:56:24] Of looking at emotions...

[00:56:26] And...

[00:56:27] Beliefs...

[00:56:27] And...

[00:56:28] You know...

[00:56:30] I was brought up...

[00:56:31] Under a very specific...

[00:56:33] Certain...

[00:56:34] Set of rules...

[00:56:37] That applied to everything in life...

[00:56:40] And...

[00:56:41] At a very young age...

[00:56:43] You know...

[00:56:43] At a very formative...

[00:56:45] Age...

[00:56:47] I think this is harmful...

[00:56:49] And I don't blame my parents...

[00:56:51] Really...

[00:56:52] I've come to peace...

[00:56:54] I've come to terms with...

[00:56:55] I made peace with...

[00:56:57] With them...

[00:56:58] And...

[00:56:59] And what they thought was right...

[00:57:01] At the time...

[00:57:04] But...

[00:57:05] I wouldn't...

[00:57:06] Ever do that...

[00:57:07] To my own daughter...

[00:57:09] I would never...

[00:57:10] I would never force her into...

[00:57:13] Believing things...

[00:57:15] And...

[00:57:16] I would never paint the world...

[00:57:17] In such black...

[00:57:19] Or white colors...

[00:57:20] Like...

[00:57:21] Evil or good...

[00:57:23] Like my...

[00:57:25] My mother did...

[00:57:26] In my early years...

[00:57:27] And again...

[00:57:28] I want to emphasize this...

[00:57:30] I love my mother...

[00:57:31] I love her...

[00:57:32] And I love my father...

[00:57:34] They are...

[00:57:35] They have saved me...

[00:57:36] In so many ways...

[00:57:39] During my high school years...

[00:57:41] When I was bullied...

[00:57:42] Almost to death...

[00:57:43] By...

[00:57:44] Other kids in school...

[00:57:46] They carried me...

[00:57:47] You know...

[00:57:48] So...

[00:57:48] It's a very complex thing...

[00:57:53] But I get to talk about this...

[00:57:55] Because it's my feelings...

[00:57:56] It's my emotion...

[00:57:57] As long as...

[00:57:59] It doesn't come across...

[00:58:00] As I'm blaming them...

[00:58:01] For anything...

[00:58:03] You know...

[00:58:03] Because it's...

[00:58:05] I'm too old...

[00:58:06] To put blame...

[00:58:07] You know...

[00:58:08] I'm a grown up now...

[00:58:10] And everyone carries trauma...

[00:58:12] So this is my...

[00:58:14] This is mine...

[00:58:16] This is my dark...

[00:58:18] Pitch black core...

[00:58:21] And sometimes...

[00:58:22] It gets exposed...

[00:58:24] And then it hurts...

[00:58:28] It really hurts...

[00:58:33] So...

[00:58:35] What about you?

[00:58:37] What about your pitch black core?

[00:58:40] If you...

[00:58:42] Think you have one...

[00:58:48] I don't want to...

[00:58:50] Like...

[00:58:50] Make you upset or anything...

[00:58:53] I'm sorry if I did that...

[00:58:55] I don't wanna...

[00:58:57] Put any pressure on...

[00:58:59] Like...

[00:58:59] An already strained mind...

[00:59:01] If that's the case with you, Sleepy...

[00:59:04] I don't wanna...

[00:59:06] Impose...

[00:59:08] I'm just telling you my...

[00:59:10] Story...

[00:59:11] My thoughts...

[00:59:12] My feeling...

[00:59:13] My emotions...

[00:59:16] So it is what it is...

[00:59:18] Maybe you don't feel it...

[00:59:20] At all...

[00:59:21] And it's not wrong...

[00:59:23] Maybe you...

[00:59:24] Just think that...

[00:59:27] Wow...

[00:59:27] This Swedish dude is so...

[00:59:29] Over analytical...

[00:59:31] Why do you keep...

[00:59:33] Over analyzing everything...

[00:59:35] Just be man...

[00:59:36] Eat...

[00:59:36] Your sandwich...

[00:59:38] Drink your coffee...

[00:59:38] And move on in life...

[00:59:40] Why do you sit there...

[00:59:42] In your studio...

[00:59:43] In Sweden...

[00:59:44] Trying to find new...

[00:59:46] Listeners...

[00:59:46] One million listeners...

[00:59:50] What are you?

[00:59:52] Are you like...

[00:59:53] Do you think you...

[00:59:54] Joe Rogan...

[00:59:55] Or something?

[00:59:59] No...

[01:00:00] No...

[01:00:00] I don't...

[01:00:00] Although I actually...

[01:00:02] I was at the gym...

[01:00:03] Like...

[01:00:03] This was...

[01:00:04] Like...

[01:00:05] Four years ago...

[01:00:07] And I was at this machine...

[01:00:09] No...

[01:00:09] I was at the treadmill...

[01:00:11] No...

[01:00:12] Like...

[01:00:12] What do you call it?

[01:00:14] Running machine...

[01:00:15] Like...

[01:00:16] And I...

[01:00:16] So I ran at this...

[01:00:18] At this machine...

[01:00:20] And I...

[01:00:23] Was...

[01:00:23] Kind of dizzy...

[01:00:25] So I stumbled away...

[01:00:26] From the machine...

[01:00:27] And I was going to do...

[01:00:28] Biceps curls...

[01:00:29] At this...

[01:00:30] Specific machine...

[01:00:32] Made for that...

[01:00:33] And...

[01:00:33] I started to pick in weights...

[01:00:35] From this...

[01:00:38] Rack...

[01:00:38] That was...

[01:00:39] I thought it was a rack...

[01:00:41] That just...

[01:00:41] Contained a lot of weights...

[01:00:44] Free weights...

[01:00:45] But...

[01:00:45] It was actually another machine...

[01:00:47] And there was this guy...

[01:00:49] Very sweaty...

[01:00:51] Very muscular...

[01:00:52] Middle-aged...

[01:00:54] Quite aggressive guy...

[01:00:55] Sitting at this machine...

[01:00:57] He was doing back...

[01:00:58] Crunches...

[01:00:59] And...

[01:01:00] I started taking his weights...

[01:01:02] Unknowingly...

[01:01:03] So he...

[01:01:03] Freaked out...

[01:01:04] And he started...

[01:01:06] Screaming at me...

[01:01:06] And I had...

[01:01:07] Headphones in...

[01:01:08] So I didn't hear him at first...

[01:01:10] And I didn't realize...

[01:01:11] I was the one doing wrong...

[01:01:12] So I just thought...

[01:01:13] This was this random guy...

[01:01:15] Who attacked me at the gym...

[01:01:17] And...

[01:01:17] He looked exactly...

[01:01:19] I mean...

[01:01:21] Exactly...

[01:01:21] Like Joe Rogan...

[01:01:23] So it was a very...

[01:01:25] Profound...

[01:01:26] Moment for me...

[01:01:27] Because I thought...

[01:01:28] For a second...

[01:01:28] Or two...

[01:01:29] That I was being attacked...

[01:01:31] By Joe Rogan...

[01:01:32] At my local gym...

[01:01:33] In Stockholm...

[01:01:34] Sweden...

[01:01:36] Of course...

[01:01:37] It wasn't Joe Rogan...

[01:01:38] And...

[01:01:39] I was...

[01:01:41] Corrected...

[01:01:42] My mistake...

[01:01:43] Sorry...

[01:01:43] And then he showed me...

[01:01:45] The right rack...

[01:01:46] For...

[01:01:47] The free weights...

[01:01:51] Okay...

[01:01:52] Again...

[01:01:52] Sleepy...

[01:01:53] The episode...

[01:01:54] Is not meant to take too seriously...

[01:01:57] It is what it is...

[01:01:59] What happens...

[01:02:00] Happens...

[01:02:01] And right now...

[01:02:02] There's nothing...

[01:02:03] We can do...

[01:02:07] Sleep tight...