Road peace guy

[00:00:00] Hi Sleepy, just a very quick note before we start today's episode.

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[00:00:10] Just subscribe to Fall asleep with Henrik Plus and to do so,

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[00:00:21] See you there.

[00:00:24] Hi and welcome to Fall asleep with Henrik.

[00:00:29] I'm still Henrik and you're still sleepy.

[00:00:32] And it is what it is, what happens happens.

[00:00:38] And right now there's nothing we can do.

[00:00:43] So never mind all this.

[00:00:47] Let's just go.

[00:00:49] Okay. Hi Sleepy.

[00:00:54] I'm Henrik as I mentioned earlier.

[00:00:57] And I want to begin by saying I'm so sorry for doing a rerun last week.

[00:01:06] I was laughing at it now, but at the time a week ago exactly I was at this very bad place emotionally because I failed taking my driver's license.

[00:01:25] I did the test where you're supposed to be driving and doing so perfectly.

[00:01:32] And there's this inspector next to you, not as an in a criminal investigator,

[00:01:38] although that would have been suitable as well because I drove right into an intersection.

[00:01:45] But no, it's just an inspector and he's supposed to tell me if I'm getting the driver's license or not.

[00:01:53] And in this case he said absolutely not.

[00:01:58] And for you who know me or have known me for a while,

[00:02:03] know that I've been really struggling with this driver's license thing for years, many years of my life.

[00:02:12] And during the pandemic I didn't, I stopped trying because in Stockholm where I live it's,

[00:02:22] well this hasn't doesn't have anything to do with the pandemic per se,

[00:02:26] but it's a very hard city to drive in because it's not really built for cars and the places that are built for cars are well as in every city.

[00:02:39] It's chaos.

[00:02:42] So I've failed four times or rather the last time I failed I forgot my identification so I couldn't even drive.

[00:02:54] I couldn't even start the test.

[00:02:56] So last week I, I've been taking lessons for almost two months and I've been doing so during a very turbulent time of my life.

[00:03:07] And I really thought I would nail it that time but I didn't.

[00:03:15] So I was, I'm not over exaggerating when I say that I was totally devastated.

[00:03:25] I was crushed, sleepy.

[00:03:29] I'm not even, I'm totally honest when I say that I was crying like a baby in front of this inspector.

[00:03:43] And also when I got home and I didn't have the strength to record an episode.

[00:03:52] But today I have the strength to record a brand new episode of fall asleep with Henrik because today I acquired my driver's license.

[00:04:08] I aced the test.

[00:04:10] So from now on I'm no longer a grown man unable to drive.

[00:04:18] I am now a grown man like any other grown up in the world almost.

[00:04:23] I know that not everyone can drive cars but now I can and I'm so happy.

[00:04:36] So now I'm gonna invite you to my universe once again and I hope you don't mind too much that I gave myself vacation last week to take care of my wounds.

[00:04:55] I really love you for listening by the way.

[00:04:57] I really love you for writing and telling me what you think and when and where you listen to my podcast.

[00:05:03] Since this is my international aimed project, I'm really excited when I get emails or DMs from other parts of the world.

[00:05:14] Right now my biggest audience is in the States and but also India, Holland, Germany, England and of course Sweden.

[00:05:27] And you're growing sleepy in numbers.

[00:05:32] You're growing rapidly and I couldn't be more excited.

[00:05:35] I have this goal of reaching one million listeners within a year and realistic or not.

[00:05:44] That's my goal.

[00:05:45] I decided to go stick with it and if you want, you can help me.

[00:05:52] You can tell your friends and family and coworkers and or even enemies or frenemies that this podcast exists and that you like it preferably.

[00:06:03] I mean, you can also tell people that you hate it but that would help me less.

[00:06:08] I guess you can write a review wherever you listen to my podcast and if you're new here, let me just summarize this for you.

[00:06:27] You don't need to listen to what I'm talking about.

[00:06:29] It's just meant for you to press play and just leave me babbling in the background or you can listen more actively if you want.

[00:06:39] But it's totally up to you and I don't have any preferences.

[00:06:43] I don't prepare anything.

[00:06:46] I don't know what I'm going to talk about, which is kind of scary in the beginning.

[00:06:53] Like when I did my driver's test today.

[00:06:58] Oh my God, sleepy.

[00:06:59] I was so scared.

[00:07:02] I was so scared.

[00:07:03] I'm always scared when I do these types of tests mainly because I'm not really interested in like the process of driving per se.

[00:07:13] I know that I need to have skills and a certain level of knowledge to pass.

[00:07:22] And that's what I've been trying to acquire.

[00:07:25] But I'm not really at all interested in engines or wheels or typical or specific brands or cars.

[00:07:40] And I'm not really a technical person, at least not in a very physical sense.

[00:07:49] I don't know what this screw does to this engine or whether or not this lever is an important part of the fluctuation of the back to place blanch, which is an English word.

[00:08:04] You can check it out.

[00:08:05] Black to blinch blanch is actually an English word.

[00:08:08] And if you don't know it, then you're not really English, are you?

[00:08:14] I'm sorry.

[00:08:17] If you want, you can write to me or anywhere.

[00:08:20] You can write on the walls in your apartment if you want or on the walls of your mother-in-law.

[00:08:30] What plinky-blank blonk means.

[00:08:33] And you need to write the full explanation.

[00:08:38] And then you snap a picture of it and you send it to me.

[00:08:43] You can find me like anywhere.

[00:08:46] You can just write fall asleep with Hendrik and you will find all sorts of material.

[00:08:56] So did I mention that I'm now a driver?

[00:08:59] That I can actually drive a car and I, well, I could before but then I wouldn't get away with it legally.

[00:09:08] But now if I get pulled over by the cops, by the police, I can show them that I have a legal right to drive this vehicle of choice.

[00:09:24] I don't have a car yet though.

[00:09:26] I need to buy a car.

[00:09:31] Well, I guess that's the next thing you do when you've acquired the driver's license.

[00:09:37] I just reached out sleepy and I harvested the driver's license like from a field of glory, ripe and ready for me to harvest, to collect.

[00:09:57] I collected my proof of grown-up ship.

[00:10:09] So I'm going to talk like for an hour as I usually do and I don't know what to say or where I will end up.

[00:10:27] The first time I did this, I mean the very first time I tried to acquire the driver's license,

[00:10:35] I know that there's probably a more easy way to say acquired the driver's license.

[00:10:42] But I don't know of anything that I could use right now because my English is not very good.

[00:10:49] But that doesn't matter really because you don't need to listen, you can just fade out.

[00:10:58] Anyway, the first time was 2020.

[00:11:02] So that was right before the pandemic hit.

[00:11:05] And then I tried one time here in Stockholm and I failed.

[00:11:10] And then I tried one time in my old town of Fálund, it's a town up north where I grew up.

[00:11:23] So I since I've known that city for my whole life, I thought that maybe I could drive there and maybe render better result.

[00:11:32] But it went worse actually because Fálund is a really hard town to drive in.

[00:11:38] It's just a lot of circulations and very mean drivers.

[00:11:48] And so I failed again.

[00:11:51] But then I was going to change from manual transition to automatic.

[00:11:57] And that's what I've done now as well because manual, I never really got it.

[00:12:05] So I have permission to drive automatic cars.

[00:12:12] And so I was going to do that, but I forgot my ID.

[00:12:18] So then I couldn't drive and then the pandemic hit.

[00:12:22] And since then I've felt like I had this deep core in me that was me being a miserable loser,

[00:12:33] me being not really a grown up.

[00:12:38] I had to be driven like everywhere and felt stuck in my house and in my life.

[00:12:47] And then I met someone that really inspired me to get that driver's license.

[00:12:57] So I decided to do it.

[00:12:59] I decided that this time around I'm going to do it.

[00:13:03] I can't just go around dreaming about it or pushing it in front of me like I can deal with this next year or next year.

[00:13:13] So I decided to do it again and it's been a rough couple of months because I don't really like to be pushed out of my comfort zone.

[00:13:27] And maneuvering a car in traffic in a city is really not very comfortable.

[00:13:37] And I guess it's different when you're in city traffic compared to for instance if you're like on the countryside somewhere.

[00:13:47] I imagine that I would have an easier time if I were to be driving like I don't know back where I grow up in the small village outside of Falun.

[00:14:03] But I mean you can take the test there and I live here in Stockholm so I did it.

[00:14:11] What I was aiming at here with this rant is that I was so afraid the first time this time around and the second time around.

[00:14:21] This morning when I woke up I haven't slept like for one full hour this night.

[00:14:30] I've been dreaming that I entered the backseat of the car and tried to drive it from there and that I got another car than the car that I have getting used to driving from the driver's school.

[00:14:46] And I got this huge white Mercedes that the mirror the back view mirror was like hundreds of meters away from me.

[00:14:59] So I had to ask the inspector to adjust it for me and he sighed and he did it like oh God I can't believe that you didn't prepare for this or something.

[00:15:13] And then I woke up and I can't even remember when I was this scared the last time sleepy.

[00:15:23] It's been hell really.

[00:15:27] I've not been this scared since I I guess since I had a baby since I had a child.

[00:15:35] Then I was really scared when my daughter Harriet was born because it was a cesarean and an acute cesarean.

[00:15:46] So it was very critical in like for 15 or 20 minutes.

[00:15:53] It was very we were in a rush not we but the doctors and the nurses.

[00:16:00] So Nina Harriet's mom she was being rushed in a bed with wheels and I was running behind her getting dressed in these green scrubs.

[00:16:16] And that was probably the most stressful moments of my life.

[00:16:21] And also when she came out we couldn't see that of course we're being separated by this veil so we can't see all the gore.

[00:16:34] But I remember this nurse saying hi.

[00:16:39] And that was the first thing and some anyone said to my daughter Harriet while she was out in the open.

[00:16:48] This unknown nurse I wouldn't recognize her on the street.

[00:16:53] And that's a shame because I want to hug her you know she was the first human to say something to Harriet outside of the womb.

[00:17:03] And I love her for it.

[00:17:04] And then I heard like this coughing sound like from this old guy.

[00:17:13] And that was my daughter because she swallowed a lot of water in there and so she was coughing.

[00:17:23] And her cough sounded like my father-in-law his cough.

[00:17:28] So I was kind of shocked and then I looked from behind the veil and I saw my daughter and she looked kind of like him.

[00:17:38] My father-in-law as well.

[00:17:40] And then I felt this weird feeling of total disconnectment and disappointment and joy at the same time you know.

[00:17:54] I felt very disconnected because I guess I went really scared because of the critical thing with the cesarean and all.

[00:18:07] But then also kind of disappointment that my daughter looked like my father-in-law this old hockey player you know.

[00:18:18] Nina's dad was this hockey player in the 80s.

[00:18:25] So he's like this big guy you know.

[00:18:31] And I hadn't really visualized my daughter to be this huge hockey guy you know.

[00:18:43] Maybe I don't know what I had visualized really but maybe I had expected someone that looked a bit like me and she didn't.

[00:18:53] She didn't at all in the beginning.

[00:18:56] Then all of a sudden after a few days she just it was just like switching something and she became like this.

[00:19:10] Exact copy of me for a few years and now she's not.

[00:19:14] Now she's I guess she's a bit like her mom in a way but also a bit like me.

[00:19:23] In a way but most of all she's Harriet.

[00:19:27] She's herself so anyway I haven't been this scared since those very critical moments 13 years ago and for some reason this driver's license thing is really meaningful to me.

[00:19:58] And I can't really tell you why because I've lived a good life without it.

[00:20:02] I mean so far it's been quite good.

[00:20:07] It's not like I've been living a life where the car is totally necessary.

[00:20:12] Well in the later years it's been necessary and that's why I've went out of my way to get it.

[00:20:25] But before this like 15 years ago I lived in the city and I never really had any need for a car.

[00:20:35] Having a car is more of a problem liability when you live in a city in the city center because it's just it's terribly expensive.

[00:20:48] And you almost never find any place to store the car when you're not using it.

[00:20:54] You just pay a lot of money like huge amounts of money just to have it parked somewhere.

[00:21:01] If you live in a city then you know this.

[00:21:05] But since we bought a house and moved outside of the city core this has really been an issue.

[00:21:10] So the first time I did this this time around the inspector was a guy and he was nice and such but he was very serious.

[00:21:26] And he didn't give me any like I am very sensitive to human connection I guess.

[00:21:38] I don't if I don't feel like I connect I get very nervous especially when the person I need to connect with is above me in a way like a boss or in this case someone who is going to give me either thumbs up or thumbs down regarding if I'm suitable for driving or not.

[00:22:02] So he scared me.

[00:22:06] He wasn't it wasn't his fault he was just being I guess himself.

[00:22:11] He didn't spoke much.

[00:22:13] He was very firm.

[00:22:16] He talked a bit like a GPS you know very neutral and he made me scared so it's not his fault.

[00:22:26] I'm going to repeat that because I don't want anyone thinking that I blame my mistakes or failures on other people.

[00:22:33] Well I do that of course I do that but it's not it's not the case you know.

[00:22:42] But but I'm just going to I'm just mentioning it because I'm going to put it into contrast with today's experience is today's test.

[00:22:53] So he was he had this underlying what do you call it when you're very firm when you're very strict.

[00:23:09] So he had this underlying I guess it was some sort of underlying threatening quality of his demeanor of his manners so he could say stuff like next intersection drive towards.

[00:23:35] This or that.

[00:23:36] And then it was just totally silent and I could say something like oh I need to breathe I need to remember to breathe haha like.

[00:23:48] Just to lighten up the mood in the car but he just didn't answer and just stared out through the window and I went so nervous that I almost shut down.

[00:24:01] Because I keep thinking what I think he's thinking and I know this is a mistake to do so because how could I control that how could I.

[00:24:10] You know and even if I could what good would that do me if I could just know what he's thinking you know.

[00:24:18] So I forgot about a bunch of stuff I my my gaze like froze so I didn't look.

[00:24:27] So thoroughly in the intersections as I should and at one point I missed an exit and then he said you missed the exit you need to turn around at a place of your choice.

[00:24:39] And that is not a problem when you do this tests it's OK and I made this perfect U turn and but then I was so hung up on the fact that I've taken the wrong direction so I just ran right into the intersection.

[00:24:56] And then he break he stopped the car for me and then his voice.

[00:25:04] He sounded like very angry.

[00:25:08] You have.

[00:25:10] The you need to stop before you enter this intersection you you need to give way to the other cars from the other on the other road.

[00:25:20] And then he pressed his gas pedal so the car accelerated and I need I got to drive like what he was.

[00:25:30] Really driving I was just steering.

[00:25:33] And then he said just forget about this take a deep breath relax so he was kind I'm not blaming him for everything for anything.

[00:25:43] But it's something when someone yells at me like that and I know I'm being overly sensitive.

[00:25:51] But I guess I am you know it's really important to me that I feel a connection with someone that has my.

[00:26:02] Dignity or life or whatever you know in his hands and this guy had you know for this half hour that the test was happening.

[00:26:14] And of course since he had to.

[00:26:18] You know act.

[00:26:20] And stop the car in my place I knew that I was smoked.

[00:26:26] So the rest of the drive back to the place where we started the test was like this freaking nightmare.

[00:26:36] You know I can't remember a single clear thought.

[00:26:42] It's so it's very it's a very.

[00:26:50] It's heavy on me you know it weighs.

[00:26:54] Ten thousand tons.

[00:26:57] The fight the fact that I failed and I kept repeating the very seconds when he break and he pushed the brakes on the car.

[00:27:08] And I kept repeating it like a mantra like a horror mantra just round and round and round.

[00:27:15] And then of course we came back and he said you're not approved.

[00:27:22] And I started to cry and it was just this mess and my driver might my driver teacher was in the back seat and she had to witness this mess of a man.

[00:27:33] This almost 50 year old man crying like a teenager and there was this guy next to me and he was you know probably like one or two years older than me.

[00:27:43] And he yeah and I felt so ashamed afterwards.

[00:27:50] And then I did this episode of my Swedish version of fall asleep with Henry where I talked about failures and the importance of failure.

[00:28:02] Because I wanted to try and change my own thinking regarding that that I want to be a person that can fail good.

[00:28:11] I want to be an expert at failing and standing upright into it in it and just face it you know and not get so crushed by negative experiences.

[00:28:25] Because they're a part of life there they are life.

[00:28:32] But what I was getting at is that today I had this woman as an inspector she was called she her name was Susan and Susan was this.

[00:28:45] Really warm and friendly.

[00:28:49] Humorous relaxed woman who.

[00:28:54] We talked and we laughed together.

[00:28:57] And that made me feel like I could open up you know I could say OK so now because she's very limited in what she can say to me because she's about she's just supposed to watch me.

[00:29:09] So she can't give me advice or give me instructions of specific rules or loss like this sign.

[00:29:18] You're supposed to do this or that.

[00:29:20] So whenever I whenever I asked her she was just quiet and then I could laugh and I can say yeah you're not supposed to say anything and she laughed and said no you're about you.

[00:29:31] You're supposed to figure this out yourself.

[00:29:33] You're supposed to know this so we could have this back and forth dialogue.

[00:29:38] And that made me brave enough to open up to her and say that I'm really scared.

[00:29:45] So I need to say a few things to myself right now to acquire bravery again to acquire calmness.

[00:29:53] And she said sure just speak away.

[00:29:57] And I said Henry you're scared now you need to breathe and you need to and over there is a circulation so you can just slow down now just take it easy.

[00:30:07] And take a deep breath and I could just be nice to myself openly with her.

[00:30:13] And then I said to her that I just I'm not trying to influence you or anything but I'm just I would just want to say that this makes all the difference in the world to me that someone treats me like.

[00:30:28] Not as like this you know mess of a child.

[00:30:37] That you're you and I are actually two people sitting in this car together trying to I mean get through this thing whatever this is but also getting to know each other you know it's it was it it was a connection.

[00:30:53] And I know of course from her point of view this is a sensitive thing because she can't get attached or whatever or anyway she can't let some attachment judge her.

[00:31:09] Ruling in the end but I believe she was a very professional person in that regard because.

[00:31:17] It always through the whole thing felt very professional and she never gave me an impression of having favorites and stuff.

[00:31:27] It was just this very relaxing kind and humble meeting between one woman who.

[00:31:37] Who was supposed to judge whether or not I'm suitable for being on the roads you know so her occupation and her role in the car made perfect sense to me but that didn't overshadow the fact that we were both human beings.

[00:31:53] And I didn't feel like this failure who was going to be judged and to me that's like I don't know why this isn't like a rule for every person who works with other people in this position.

[00:32:09] I can't for the life of me understand why people who don't know how to talk to people.

[00:32:19] People who I don't know have a hard time interacting with different types of personalities.

[00:32:27] Why anti social persons can be in charge in these types of situations I just don't get it.

[00:32:36] I've been also driving with drivers teachers like this particular one I had this time she was wonderful but I had others that are like they don't really like people and they think that people that.

[00:32:53] I don't know what they think but they act like they think that people who don't understand this and that in this case regarding driving.

[00:33:03] They are like idiots or laughing stocks or whatever.

[00:33:09] And I don't get it why would you want someone like that to judge.

[00:33:15] Or to be responsible in cases like this when it's so important because you need drivers.

[00:33:24] You need people to be able to drive because it's almost like this.

[00:33:29] Option that can't be.

[00:33:32] I'm chosen in some ways in our society so I just don't get it.

[00:33:39] I just don't get why this guy who I had before I don't want to trash talk him or anything but he wasn't this.

[00:33:48] He wasn't this social person.

[00:33:50] He was this guy who maybe like driving and now he's here you know.

[00:33:56] And I don't I just don't get it.

[00:33:59] I don't get why you would want the job like that in the first place.

[00:34:03] And secondly I don't know why people like that tend to acquire jobs like that because the difference was huge.

[00:34:16] The fact that I felt like this.

[00:34:19] I was one of all the people in the world that are trying to do this.

[00:34:25] Getting the driver's license.

[00:34:28] I was just one of the people you know.

[00:34:32] I wasn't some weird freaking loser who was just having the audacity to sit in this car and take up time.

[00:34:41] I'm not saying that this guy may was of that opinion or even on purpose gave me that impression.

[00:34:51] But that's what happened you know because he couldn't connect with me and I couldn't connect with him so I got scared.

[00:35:00] And I know that's my problem but then again who's who is like this perfect person who can just.

[00:35:14] Be mature enough to.

[00:35:18] Get in touch with yourself in this types of critical moments and just mumble to yourself.

[00:35:23] He is what he is it doesn't have anything to do with you.

[00:35:27] He's just him you know because I thought that but my feelings they are a totally different matter.

[00:35:41] Okay so that's my piece about different personalities and Susan I mean I love her in a very profound way.

[00:36:00] Because she in a very professional way she helped me but she didn't gave up her humaneness you know.

[00:36:11] And I almost feel like crying when I think about how important that is.

[00:36:21] And it's always staggering to think about how we're all different in that way.

[00:36:31] But some of us don't really know how to connect some of us are really.

[00:36:39] And I mean it's not necessarily a bad thing.

[00:36:43] I think there's a place for everyone but you would think that in a world in a way in a in a.

[00:36:51] Workplace where connecting to other people are essential.

[00:36:57] That you would at least have some interest in connection.

[00:37:02] But maybe I'm just on my high horses now because I've finally after all these years.

[00:37:17] Reaped the harvest of my hard labor and I'm now able to travel by something else than my bike.

[00:37:34] This morning when I took the bike to the driver's school driving school.

[00:37:39] I thought to myself maybe this is the last time I'm taking the bike without having a driver's license and I.

[00:37:50] That's true.

[00:37:52] Unless I lose my driver's license for some reason which I plan not to.

[00:37:58] I plan to keep it.

[00:38:00] I plan not to break any traffic rules knowingly at least and not any big ones.

[00:38:07] At least in the next 516 years in 517 years I will break one major traffic rule.

[00:38:22] Just for the heck of it.

[00:38:23] And then I will give it up again and I will be a very low abiding driver for about 9000 years.

[00:38:34] And after that I mean my driving is probably not that good anyway.

[00:38:42] Maybe I should just have my license removed revoked by then because I'm quite old at that point in time.

[00:38:54] And I don't know what's going to happen.

[00:38:58] Cars will there even be cars like in this traditional sense?

[00:39:09] That was actually one of my arguments for not taking the driver's license many years ago.

[00:39:16] That soon we're all going to have self-driving cars anyway so this is just waste of money.

[00:39:23] But then that was like when Google had these Waymo cars.

[00:39:30] I think it was called Waymo and they were cute little cars with rotating cameras on top.

[00:39:39] And they were running around San Francisco or something and they were very cute and all.

[00:39:47] But I couldn't ever imagine them navigating a Swedish road in the middle of the winter.

[00:39:54] When you can't see the lines or the signs or anything.

[00:39:59] Or maybe it's just drifting snow across the road.

[00:40:06] So I mean I think it'll come.

[00:40:11] I imagine that self-driving cars will be an essential part of traffic in a near future.

[00:40:19] I don't think near future means like in the next five years and in that case, okay.

[00:40:27] Then so be it I will I want to be able to drive you know.

[00:40:33] I want to be able to drive and visit people I love.

[00:40:38] I want to be able to drive and just sit at a cliff somewhere and drink coffee.

[00:40:44] I want to be alone in the car and I want to be with someone in the car.

[00:40:50] And I want to stop at this nice place just because I want to not because I'm sitting at the passenger seat and having to convince someone to stop.

[00:41:11] I want to take my recording stuff with me and go to this old mansion like three, four hundred kilometers away.

[00:41:29] No not 300 kilometers.

[00:41:31] No I was thinking about now maybe it's like 30 kilometers from here and I want to sit there and I want to see the lake beneath and I want to think about the people who lived here.

[00:41:48] And I want to record an episode of my podcast Wander with Hendrik.

[00:41:53] That's a Swedish podcast where I'm doing exactly the same thing that I'm doing here, but I walk around and I sit at different places and I.

[00:42:05] Sometimes have guests with me.

[00:42:09] Maybe I should do Wander with Hendrik in English as well.

[00:42:13] Now when I have a driver's license there's so many possibilities but now I guess I have to buy this car and I don't know anything about cars.

[00:42:27] I was asked okay so what car are you going to buy and I was like what I don't know a brown car maybe.

[00:42:36] I don't know anything about cars.

[00:42:40] I guess I want a good car.

[00:42:44] It doesn't have to be very big.

[00:42:46] I'm not very but at the same time I don't want some mean car like who get very almost squashed by the squished by the trucks when they go by you.

[00:43:06] So maybe a Toyota I don't know.

[00:43:11] I have a few friends who drive two Yotas and I think they are good comfortable cars you know and they don't look like shit.

[00:43:21] Well then again I don't think any car really look like shit.

[00:43:24] The thing I really want with my car is to have a room where I can just be me at the same time as I'm moving you know as I'm traveling.

[00:43:35] Because I really hate traveling when it's a lot of people when you sit very close to a stranger for maybe six or eight hours and the stranger is like doing stranger stuff you know.

[00:43:51] It's not necessarily weird stuff it's just some other person that just invades your own space.

[00:44:00] So I have this fantasy of going taking a car and just travel for hours at end and just experience my country in my own pace and my own preferences.

[00:44:21] That's such a I mean this dream is true now I can do this.

[00:44:29] So my first trip is going back to Falun where my parents live and I'm going to take a few days and I'm going to go around two places where I grow up.

[00:44:41] And I'm going to look at them and measure them and judge them and think about them and I'm going to drink lots of coffee and I'm going to like reclaim some places that are not really good for me.

[00:44:59] And I haven't visited again since I was a kid and I'm going to do it at my own pace because so far when I've tried to do this I had to convince someone who could drive or take a cab or a bus.

[00:45:17] And then I had to adapt you know. I can be here for so and so long and but I can't go here because I can't really get a ride or there's no bus connection or take a cab here would be like too much.

[00:45:34] And I wanted to rain like slightly just slightly and I want to sit in the car and I want to watch like my old kindergarten and from afar and I want to go out and I want to just watch the building after it's closed so I don't have to be bothering anyone or be bothered by anyone.

[00:45:57] Just go by and then if I feel like okay I wouldn't want to be here anymore.

[00:46:03] I don't have to go away waiting for the bus for like 45 minutes.

[00:46:07] I can just drive on you know and then maybe I discover oh this old place I can go here and then I go here.

[00:46:14] And if it turns out that I'm out too late and I get tired I can just roll up in the back seat and I can sleep and you know.

[00:46:21] I have all these very childish probably fantasies about what I'm going to do now.

[00:46:33] I'm going to be alone with my thoughts in my car.

[00:46:37] I'm going to sing.

[00:46:39] I'm going to listen to people singing and I'm going to burp burp burp and fart in my car like there's no tomorrow because I don't have to adapt to anyone.

[00:46:56] And then I'm going to pick up a hitchhiker and then the hitchhiker has to sit in this smelly car and I'm going to drive really fast so he can't get out either.

[00:47:07] So I'm just going to drive and I'm going to say how do you like it huh huh.

[00:47:13] And then I'm going to drop him off at the wrong destination and then I'm going to drive off laughing.

[00:47:23] No I'm not going to pick up any hitchhikers.

[00:47:27] I'm really when I was a kid I went to this from my little village outside of Fallon it was like 60 kilometers maybe from Fallon.

[00:47:43] And a couple of times I hitchhiked from this country village into the city and Fallon is a very small city but still a city.

[00:47:57] And I don't really remember anything bad happening but my mom was really mad that I tried that hitchhike because she was convinced that I was going to get abducted.

[00:48:13] That never happened but I wouldn't want my daughter to hitchhike and I don't think I'm ever going to just pick up someone.

[00:48:24] Well maybe I don't know.

[00:48:27] So this is a new thing also who will I be behind the wheel?

[00:48:33] Will I be this good Samaritan kind of person or will I be this road rage guy you know.

[00:48:43] I don't know I think I will be a road peace guy.

[00:48:49] I will be this Zen like presence on the roads just cruising never mind if there's a line you know.

[00:49:00] If there's traffic jam I don't care.

[00:49:04] I got in traffic jams a few times during my driving lessons here in Stockholm in the afternoons and before lunch like early mornings.

[00:49:16] Then there's traffic jams in and out of the city and I'm fine with it you know.

[00:49:23] Then I can just stretch my legs and have a sip of coffee or sing to myself or listen to something or you know enjoy my time with my someone else which is could be in the car with me.

[00:49:41] I like it when it's still I don't care but of course this will change.

[00:49:55] Now I'm thinking about taking the car like every day all of the time all year round.

[00:50:01] I'm never going to go by bike again and I know that this is just a phase because well it's not very economic to take the car like whatever you're going to do.

[00:50:18] And from an environmental point of view it's of course bad as well.

[00:50:23] I'm thinking about getting an electric car but the charging systems are not fully built out depending on where I want to go.

[00:50:35] It's hard to charge at some parts of the country or the charging stations are too few so it's always a line.

[00:50:45] And if it even is possible to charge your car so I think I'm going to start with this fossil fuel car maybe a hybrid that would be good.

[00:51:04] So that I can save the planet.

[00:51:09] That's a huge thing as well you know.

[00:51:13] I need to save the planet I Henry I need to do it.

[00:51:18] I need to save the planet and you sleepy as well we you and I we need to save the planet.

[00:51:25] And I mean it's not really the planet that we're saving is it.

[00:51:30] It's the living organisms on this planet that we're aiming to save because the planet is made out of rock and it's.

[00:51:40] You know it'll be fine.

[00:51:44] Even life I mean if you just look at life and this from this far away perspective even life will manage just fine I think.

[00:51:56] It's just us and that's not a small thing either but I think it's just it's important to just call it what it is.

[00:52:07] We're not trying to save earth we're trying to save ourselves really.

[00:52:13] And I mean why would that be lesser than to save the planet.

[00:52:23] Of course you can try and anthropomorphize earth in a way.

[00:52:27] I think it's called Gaia theory that everything is a part of this living system that the earth itself that life itself is an entity.

[00:52:40] And I really enjoy that way of thinking I really I think it's yeah it's it's enjoyable to think about life and all life.

[00:52:56] And all physiological systems on earth as small parts of this vast sentient being but then again this vast sentient being will change.

[00:53:17] It will not disappear it will not be like I believe life will find a way as they say in Jurassic Park.

[00:53:29] Life will find a way because that's what life does but our problem is that our type of life and the other types of life around us at this moment in time and space.

[00:53:44] We're very dependent on all the systems working at this particular way and that's the threat you know I'm sorry I don't want to do the alarm talk here.

[00:54:08] After all I've been talking about driving around in this fossil fuel machine for almost an hour now.

[00:54:16] And I know this if you're a if you're an avid enemy of fossil fuel vehicles which I think is well it's important that we yeah well who am I trying to convince.

[00:54:40] I mean it's a of course this is this is a business and a way of life and way of transportation that needs to change you know.

[00:54:52] But I also think about realism and that we need to change in a realistic way because we can't just forbid everyone from driving because what happened then.

[00:55:06] But then this is another discussion and I feel like I'm going into very deep water so this is not maybe thought through ideas and ideologies it's just me.

[00:55:19] I can drive a car now.

[00:55:23] And I'm so glad I'm so glad I could sing but this podcast is doesn't permit me to sing.

[00:55:37] I am this is a non singing podcast maybe one day in the future I will start up an English podcast called singing with Henry that will be a completely different type of.

[00:55:54] Podcast I guess that the episodes won't be very long because I can sing but well first of all I would need a band or an orchestra or maybe at least someone with a guitar.

[00:56:11] I can't play the guitar myself so it needs to be someone else and I guess then it will be very conventional and I'm not very conventional when I do stuff.

[00:56:25] History my life has taught me that.

[00:56:31] I'm bad at doing stuff that other people do.

[00:56:35] I need to do stuff that no one else does because otherwise.

[00:56:39] It'll just be cringe you know I'm I'm just gonna make a fool out of myself.

[00:56:46] This was the case when I was an actor.

[00:56:49] I mean I excelled in roles and projects where I got to do weird stuff you know but as soon as I'm I got parts when I'm I was going to play like this very conventional person.

[00:57:08] In a film or a TV show or on stage.

[00:57:13] I was really lousy I was at one time I was going to play a boxer in All My Sons by Harold Pinter.

[00:57:22] I was gonna play the youngest son who was a boxer I think his name was Joey and if you don't know the play which you well what are the odds that you know this particular play by Pinter but it's.

[00:57:36] It's about this very dysfunctional family and it's not really about a family at all and it's well it's you can interpret it in so many different ways.

[00:57:45] But the story is this very dysfunctional family with his old violent poisonous path through it.

[00:57:54] Patriarch patriarch at the top and I was going to play a boxer who was fighting his anger and anxiety out of his hands.

[00:58:06] And well in case you don't know how I look let me describe myself and my physique to you.

[00:58:15] I'm a very small guy I am one hundred and seventy two centimeters over ground so I'm much shorter than the male average in Sweden and I am tiny.

[00:58:31] I don't have much muscle on me and I am this weak little guy you know I'm good at talking but I'm not very good at wrestling lions or boxing.

[00:58:48] It was such an idiotic casting thing to place me in that part because everyone said to me afterwards that I mean why would they choose you this little teddy bear guy to play this aggressive boxer.

[00:59:07] I remember taking like a few boxing classes at this real boxing club for young guys and there was this really harsh trainer and the guys there were like 10 years younger than me maybe like in their 15th or 15 or 70 years old.

[00:59:29] And they came from very messy backgrounds and lived in messy areas and the fighting was like from their you know bones and blood and souls and it was beautiful to see them.

[00:59:44] And the trainer were like their extra dad and they cried and he yelled at them and he hugged them and he was very disciplined.

[00:59:54] And at the same time safe space for them I guess emotionally because it was disciplined and hard there and I was going to be among them I was like.

[01:00:09] Twenty seven or something no I was twenty two so I wasn't ten years older but I was so scared and they asked me do you really want to be here and I said yeah yeah because what can I really lose.

[01:00:26] And then the trainer said yeah you can't lose anything here except for your dignity and then I left and I never came back.

[01:00:33] And that's why it took me so long to get the driver's license because I've been scared to lose my dignity.

[01:00:45] Not knowing that I have never even had it you know dignity whatever that is.