Me being me

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[00:01:01] Hey there, it's Michelle Norris. I'm host of a podcast called Your Mama's Kitchen.

[00:01:05] When I travel, I'm usually looking for a way to find a taste of home when I'm not at home.

[00:01:10] And one of the things I love to do when I am at home is entertain.

[00:01:14] An Airbnb allows me to do that.

[00:01:16] When I was in California recently, I rented a house that had a great kitchen.

[00:01:20] And when we were sitting around the table, we're all thinking,

[00:01:22] we're in someone else's house.

[00:01:24] Someone could be in all of our homes as well.

[00:01:27] If you have a home but you're not always at home, you have an Airbnb.

[00:01:32] Your home might be worth more than you think.

[00:01:35] Find out how much at arabianb.com slash host.

[00:01:43] Hey and welcome to Fall asleep with Hendrik.

[00:01:48] I am again Hendrik and you are sleepy.

[00:01:52] And it is what it is.

[00:01:57] What happens happens.

[00:02:02] And right now there's nothing we can do about it.

[00:02:08] Let's go.

[00:02:12] Hi again, sleepy.

[00:02:15] Okay so this is an awkward moment because maybe this is the first time you listen to this podcast.

[00:02:24] Maybe you don't know what the heck you're listening to.

[00:02:31] I've only made one previous episode before this.

[00:02:37] And that was last week and it went so well considering this is a podcast starting out from

[00:02:46] scratch.

[00:02:47] It went so well that I got excited about doing another episode.

[00:03:03] So here I am again and the point of this if there even is a point.

[00:03:10] I don't know.

[00:03:12] Is there a point of like, is there a point to life?

[00:03:19] I guess it's a very sublime feeling overall the point of life.

[00:03:27] I recently was surprised by this overwhelming feeling of being very contempt and very happy to exist.

[00:03:42] I just love being alive.

[00:03:47] I usually do that but sometimes it's hard you know.

[00:03:53] And okay but this is not the point sorry if you're new here.

[00:03:58] If you're a new so-called sleepy I call I will call you sleepy.

[00:04:04] I think if you think that's not okay then tell me.

[00:04:11] I guess I can't do anything about it if one or two people just say no I don't feel comfortable

[00:04:17] being referred to as sleepy but in the Swedish version of this podcast

[00:04:23] I call the listener somnna which is called Swedish for fall asleep.

[00:04:30] And sleepy is a good name for someone like you I guess.

[00:04:38] Okay so let me explain what this is since this is only the second episode of my podcast.

[00:04:48] I guess some explanation is needed.

[00:04:57] So my name is Henrik Stål and I am a 48 year old man human man living in the foreign faraway

[00:05:11] country of Sweden and my dialect and my accent is what it is.

[00:05:20] I have made this version of my podcast fall asleep with Henrik in Sweden since 2018

[00:05:27] and I have approximately 500 000 listens each month so this is a

[00:05:36] popular podcast in Sweden I guess I could dare to say without being obnoxious.

[00:05:49] Recently I came up with the idea that I was going to do this with my own voice in English

[00:05:56] and never mind that I don't speak English like my first language and never mind that I

[00:06:04] don't really know how to improvise properly in a foreign language never mind because I believe

[00:06:13] first of all I like this I didn't expect me to I expected me to be very limited and scared

[00:06:23] but I really like sitting here in the dark improvising in English not trying to hide that I am a foreigner

[00:06:37] not trying to hide that I am a flawed person not not not flawed person in of course I am a flawed

[00:06:48] flawed flawed person but I'm flawed in the way I don't the words don't come easy

[00:06:57] in English. In Swedish my episodes are built up like this I just press record and then I talk

[00:07:06] and the point is for you to fall asleep or drift away or feeling distracted or just

[00:07:14] feeling safe for a while I don't plan ahead I don't write any scripts

[00:07:21] I usually don't edit anything out of the episodes I just talk the only thing that I always do is this

[00:07:34] I am me in that fluffy kind of way I don't really know who me is but I think I like him

[00:07:44] and sometimes at least so I usually say to my Swedish listeners that you've done your job now

[00:07:56] you don't have to do anything else you press play that's your that's your job now all you

[00:08:04] gotta do is whatever you need to do close your eyes or read or paint or talk to someone even

[00:08:17] you can have my podcast in the background or you can listen to it actively it's it's your choice

[00:08:24] you don't have to listen to me and I can't emphasize that enough what I say is not important

[00:08:32] I guess the main purpose of this podcast is for you to feel like it's okay

[00:08:45] and I don't say that believing that it's actually okay I don't want to

[00:08:53] trick you or make you believe stuff that isn't true I've always felt very provoked by

[00:09:03] so-called relaxation guide guiding when people on a podcast or whatever says

[00:09:14] you're feeling relaxed and contempt and there is nothing in the world that can harm you because

[00:09:24] that's not true it simply isn't true there's a lot of things in the world that can harm me

[00:09:31] and what do you know about what I feel that's what I want to scream to the

[00:09:36] self-promoting dude who's trying to teach me how to relax it's always from a perspective of I know

[00:09:44] better than you and I don't like that maybe it works like one time out of ten if I'm in a very

[00:09:54] special mood now my belief I strongly believe that the thing I need to do to get through life

[00:10:09] in maybe one or two pieces is to accept that it is what it is what happens happens and right now

[00:10:18] there is nothing we can do about it so I guess that's maybe my agenda with this podcast

[00:10:27] sometimes the episodes become very foggy and hard to follow and that's okay because I change

[00:10:38] because I change subject frequently I joke

[00:10:45] I laugh at my own jokes and sometimes I talk about dark stuff like the unforgiving nature of life

[00:10:57] I'm not gonna shy away from stuff just because they're tough to talk about or tough to think about

[00:11:04] it's not my intention to make you upset or anything I just think that we if you choose to shy away

[00:11:18] from the difficult parts of life that should be an active choice with a start and an ending

[00:11:26] you can't live like that all the time it's not possible well it maybe it's possible but

[00:11:32] you will feel bad that's my conviction so I don't see any harm in shying away from stuff

[00:11:42] but if you do it you should do it actively I think you should decide that now I'm going to shy away

[00:11:51] from this hard thing and tomorrow I will take it up again I don't I don't know how to do that though

[00:12:06] I can't shy away from stuff or I mean at least not actively so there will be a lot of this stuff

[00:12:17] and then I will tell stories and I will do excavations in my own mind and I can't really say

[00:12:27] that I will keep doing these episodes I mean it depends really if it works in English maybe

[00:12:35] maybe it doesn't I guess I will see so I'm going to ask you one thing I know I said that your job was

[00:12:48] done but there's one more thing that I would ask of you and that is if you like this tell me and

[00:12:57] tell others that's the that's the thing about these content which is out there in the world

[00:13:08] it needs to be appreciated otherwise it will fade and go away and maybe that's fine I mean

[00:13:17] I don't this is a this is a fluke I don't know really what I want with this except

[00:13:26] I want to be heard by maybe you I want you to listen to me as well because I believe that we

[00:13:34] can be a club you know a club that when the world is messy tiresome and full of worry we can hold

[00:13:49] each other's backs you know watch each other's backs no that's the wrong term I'm not trying to

[00:13:57] build some sort of

[00:14:02] wartime prediction group I I want us to be a group of friends who are reminding each other

[00:14:14] to take one day at a time and to accept that you can't control everything in life

[00:14:25] life is uncontrollable I mean that's the only thing we know for certain really

[00:14:31] we don't even know if life for death is even real we don't know anything and I'm sorry if I'm being

[00:14:38] too existential right now because that's that's part of my nature and you just have to dig in

[00:14:44] and wait it out I guess I mean for real we don't know what is real or what isn't

[00:14:54] the only thing we know is that we are and they that it is a turbulent ride but I don't feel

[00:15:05] scared when I think about those things I feel safe and connected because you know in the middle of

[00:15:15] this ride this very weird state of whatever it is we call life coffee is like really very good

[00:15:29] and someone's skin against your skin it's like really very satisfying and you dream and you taste

[00:15:40] and you experience and you learn and and you hurt and I mean it's the experience in itself is very

[00:15:51] it feels meaningful to me without me knowing what is real and what isn't so it doesn't matter

[00:16:00] we are and that's what matters okay so have I asked you to tell me if you like it yeah I have

[00:16:14] and write a review maybe on the platform where you're listening to this podcast it also helps me

[00:16:23] since this podcast is aimed for a worldwide audience it helps me if you tell me where you're from

[00:16:33] because it's um it helps me to know if this is even a thing since last week I have gathered 200

[00:16:45] listens which is like um is very very modest but I like it in a way because it feels like we're

[00:16:58] a little club right now of 200 people maybe we should keep it that way right maybe we should

[00:17:05] just be this little group of 200 people and we will just take care of each other you know

[00:17:13] it's a it's a great it's a great idea no I'm sorry to say that that I mean even though

[00:17:31] I would love a life where 200 people could make me like safe economically through through my line of

[00:17:42] work but it's always that factor and that's a boring that's the most boring thing about living

[00:17:51] the fact that you need to earn that freaking cash to just go on right now I I already have

[00:18:04] an income from my the Swedish version of this podcast so I don't need any additional funding

[00:18:14] from this thing this is a side project which I'm I want to know if it works but eventually

[00:18:24] I will have to make a choice whether or not this is pliable for my business it's so boring to

[00:18:36] talk about I'm sorry sleepy I'm so sorry I don't mean to bore you with these details and I mean the

[00:18:43] last thing you want to hear I guess is some podcast or random podcaster just telling you his business

[00:18:56] plan because I don't have really a business plan of course I have a business plan why did I say

[00:19:04] that never mind I guess if you're this far into listening I I guess you maybe maybe you're wondering

[00:19:18] about who it is you listen to who am I so okay I'm going to tell you about me my name is Henrik

[00:19:32] Stål there's this Finnish poet called Johan Lodvik Runeberg and he wrote the book in the early 19th

[00:19:51] century or maybe late 20th century no not early 19th century it's I always get that wrong because

[00:19:59] in Sweden the 1900s is like the same as the 19th century to me it's like that okay so in the

[00:20:11] beginning of the 19th in the end of the 19th or in the beginning of the 20th century he wrote this

[00:20:20] war collection of poems which is called Fenrik Ståls Sägner which is called like the

[00:20:31] the the tales of Fenrik Stål and Fenrik it's a military term in Swedish I don't know the

[00:20:39] the translation I don't know the English word for it but it's some sort sort of

[00:20:44] middle commander kind of thing he leads a troop a small squadron or something I don't know

[00:20:51] I have no clue what I'm talking about right now Fenrik Stål Sägner is the Swedish

[00:21:02] title and since my name is Henrik Stål my whole life I've been joked with

[00:21:12] with that similarity hello my name is Henrik Stål oh you mean Fenrik Stål

[00:21:20] no Fenrik is not a name it's a term so I had to learn passages from Fenrik Ståls Sägner by

[00:21:33] Runeberg just because you know everybody was everybody was mentioning it when I told them

[00:21:42] my name not so much anymore though I guess um old Finnish poets doesn't really make it in today's

[00:21:57] TikTok world sorry I'm sorry okay so now last week I promised you I was going to say something

[00:22:12] weird in Swedish and I didn't I forgot about it I said something weird in Spanish instead

[00:22:20] instead which is very weird because I don't speak Spanish I only know that phrase so now I'm going

[00:22:29] to say something very weird in Swedish I'm going to quote a line from one of the poems in

[00:22:40] Runeberg's Fenrik Stål Sägner called Soldatgossen Soldatgossen means little soldier boy so to speak

[00:22:53] um okay my father was a young soldier the most beautiful man in 15 years he took

[00:23:05] in 17 was his man his whole world where is his field there he stood happy where he

[00:23:12] was placed in the old in the blood in the frost in the field he was my father

[00:23:18] he okay that was Swedish if you're one of my Swedish listeners you know this so then I'm sorry but

[00:23:28] this version of my podcast is actually meant for people who don't know any Swedish at all

[00:23:37] okay so I'm going to give it a try to make a rough translation my father was a young soldier

[00:23:47] the most beautiful there ever was when he was 15 he

[00:23:52] he shouldered his first shouldered his first rifle when he was 17 he was a man

[00:24:02] his whole world was the fields of glory he was happy wherever he was

[00:24:10] in fire in blood in frost in famine he was my father you know this is such a

[00:24:19] a war romanticizing piece of shit really that's just so you know that what I have to deal with

[00:24:33] I'm kidding it's no but the poems are real and they are written in a time when war was

[00:24:41] something to be proud of I guess it's some sort of a nationalistic yeah sorry but bullshit

[00:24:52] okay so I guess I should just put myself out there and say that I don't believe in nationalism

[00:25:02] and maybe I lose some people now but I I guess it needs to be said now rather than later

[00:25:10] I don't believe in the rigid idea of a national identity I guess some of the aspects of being

[00:25:22] a member of a nation is good I mean I don't hate being abroad and meet another swede and bond

[00:25:34] you know I like the sense of false comfort that it can give you but those feelings and I repeat

[00:25:48] these are feelings I think not facts those feelings can be very dangerous if they are just let out

[00:25:59] you know and being able to make rules so this is a very fluffy way of saying that I think of

[00:26:07] myself as a citizen of the world and I know I know this is a this is not I don't know maybe I

[00:26:16] I'll regret saying this I don't want to seem naive I know that this is very complex subject

[00:26:31] but I believe that the feelings we have regarding national identity are just that feelings

[00:26:39] and we should take them seriously I think we should really give them room and space but this

[00:26:45] this room and space shouldn't ever be allowed to conduct laws and build walls and rules

[00:26:58] so that being said I don't know anything and I have no clue what I'm talking about often

[00:27:04] so take my words with a grain of salt or like a whole fistful of salt I guess

[00:27:15] so okay so that's a part of me I am if you want to know how I look you can I plan on if this

[00:27:24] goes well I plan on maybe launching a new site with this podcast being their only purpose

[00:27:36] but right now if you want to know more about me or my see how I look you can just look at the

[00:27:42] read the podcast description and look at the cover I guess that's me and I live in Stockholm Sweden

[00:27:54] I live together with my daughter Harriet and my girlfriend Nina and we live close to a very big

[00:28:07] forest and we have the city center like one and a half ten maybe 10.2 kilometers from our house

[00:28:25] so we live outside of the city our whole life together me and Nina even before we had children

[00:28:34] we lived in the city center on a place called Södermalm which is like the hipster part of

[00:28:44] Stockholm and when we got our daughter we decided to move out to the suburbs because we

[00:28:56] we felt more comfortable I guess being able to just open the door and let our daughter play

[00:29:03] in the yard rather than pack our bag and the carrier and just when you're living in the city and

[00:29:10] you have a small child it's like you need to pack like it you were supposed you were going to get

[00:29:18] out on this huge road trip adventure whenever you go out with the carrier in the park you

[00:29:27] need to bring like huge bags and stuff of supplies and emergency kits and stuff because there's no

[00:29:35] there's nowhere you can change a diaper or anything without causing a scene because it's

[00:29:40] people everywhere but here in the suburbs and with our own house it's different so my life

[00:29:53] has changed very dramatically since I started this podcast Somname Henrik 2018

[00:30:04] used to have a drinking problem I am trained as an actor and that's I mean majorly that is what

[00:30:12] I am I guess I'm an actor in Sweden I've done a lot of TV shows here in Sweden mostly for children

[00:30:21] and I felt that I reached a point in my life when I was either going to choose to become like this

[00:30:30] typical middle-aged actor who's just slowly drinking himself to oblivion and just increasingly

[00:30:43] more bitter about not getting the parts that he thinks that he's meant for or I just stopped

[00:30:50] drinking and changed my career subject so to speak so I did I was sick and tired of waiting

[00:31:00] for the phone to ring promoting myself in different humiliating ways so I stopped drinking I changed

[00:31:12] my life maybe completely I don't know I had this feeling that I was lacking something that I used

[00:31:21] to have that I lost something along the way the imagination and the trust of a child and

[00:31:33] I missed being the little me the young me so the cool thing is when I stopped drinking and starting

[00:31:44] exercising I always despised exercise when I was younger I just looked up I frowned upon it

[00:31:53] and slowly without me even really realizing it I discovered that he was still there you know

[00:32:08] little Henrik and that's maybe that's maybe the thing I'm most proud of except maybe my daughter I'm

[00:32:23] my daughter is like the son but I am second most proud of what I did back then

[00:32:37] I rediscovered little Henrik and I love that about me I'm sorry this isn't bragging it's

[00:32:51] I'm very happy that I made that decision so now back then I started this podcast which you were

[00:33:03] now hearing the English version of I started in 2018 and since then I've had this podcast as my only

[00:33:12] line of as my only job as my only gig over the years I developed my I branched out a little bit

[00:33:24] still keeping it to the very thin niche of being Henrik so I have a few different podcasts now

[00:33:35] in which I am just me one which is called Wanda with Henrik Vandra with Henrik it's in Swedish

[00:33:44] I just do it like I do now but I walk around in exciting places and I talk to exciting people

[00:33:54] and then there's one called Henrik land which is also Swedish and that is more of an experiment

[00:34:04] platform I put out stuff there that I don't know if it's gonna work or not so in a way this podcast

[00:34:12] should be on Henrik land but since this is my only right now at least this is my only English

[00:34:18] podcast I want to give it a try using a platform dedicated platform for the sleep with Henrik

[00:34:33] god I don't know if this is interesting or not I'm sorry if it isn't I'm a bit scared because

[00:34:44] when I did my last episode I felt very contempt afterwards it was fun and I felt like

[00:34:55] I gave myself a pat in the back on the back afterwards because it's I felt good you know

[00:35:01] it felt good and I felt good about myself about me doing this but now I'm more insecure if you if you

[00:35:15] if you suddenly find yourself wondering what is this podcast what's he doing is it a

[00:35:23] diary or what is it the answer is and I have to remind you that I don't know and I don't I

[00:35:30] guess no one really knows the only thing you should keep in mind is that you don't have to listen you can

[00:35:37] just put me on in the background and then just let me be you know let me be me and listen to what

[00:35:49] you want to listen to and reject what you don't want to listen to I mean I am not going to

[00:35:56] force you to do anything and I don't have any illusions regarding the content

[00:36:05] and I think this is the hard part but I do really care about you not getting enough sleep

[00:36:18] and what I mean with that is I know what it's like not being able to sleep

[00:36:26] or maybe I should rephrase that it's not about not being able to sleep because we're able

[00:36:33] I mean there's maybe there maybe there is some sort of clinical

[00:36:40] not being able to sleep kind of affliction but almost no one lives that kind of life

[00:36:51] we are able to sleep it's just that the conditions are not being met

[00:36:56] and sometimes we can't meet the conditions but I thought about this the other day it's really very

[00:37:09] very I feel so sorry for people myself included I'm not a sleep expert but let me remind you

[00:37:19] but I feel so sorry for for us all when we can't sleep because sleep is such a wonderful thing

[00:37:26] you know but I think that if there is an antidote to insomnia it's not being lie and awake and

[00:37:36] being mad at yourself because you you're you're bad at sleeping or whatever because you can't be

[00:37:43] good at sleeping sleeping just is you know sleeping is or isn't there's no I'm very good at sleeping

[00:37:56] like being good at exercising and being or being good at running you know sleeping is a different thing

[00:38:05] sleeping is you sleeping is me me being me I sleep like I sleep so with that said don't worry

[00:38:20] you know if you just leave it alone it will come I think I don't know I don't know

[00:38:31] and I don't want to give out like advice because I I shouldn't because I don't know anything okay so

[00:38:45] right now the wind outside my studio is making the leaves rustle I have built my own studio in my

[00:38:57] garden it's a container and it's a so-called living container so it's it's got a window and heat

[00:39:08] and electricity and lights and all the things in it and I recently just refurnished the whole

[00:39:16] container so that it becomes a real studio and it's so cozy in here if this podcast takes off

[00:39:26] I'm going to show you pictures of it and if you're one of my regular listeners of Somnambahandrik

[00:39:33] it's just too yeah you know how it looks in Sweden I call my studio Aventus varien

[00:39:42] which is called Adventure Wolf in English okay so maybe I should explain that yeah I guess

[00:39:55] I mean I'm trying to listen to myself from your point of view sleepy and by you I mean someone who

[00:40:05] has never listened to this and don't know me and don't know what this is all about

[00:40:12] maybe someone prompted you to go and listen to this podcast and now you're like what the ff what is

[00:40:18] this so I mean it's okay to ask that question and I guess the only answer I can give you is

[00:40:28] maybe you need a couple of listens to just absorb what I'm doing to you or maybe this

[00:40:33] is not the thing you need both are valid arguments okay so Adventure Wolf when I was little I had this

[00:40:47] fantasy about a spaceship that could travel through any element through space through time

[00:40:59] time isn't an element but you know underwater traverse the world in seconds like that and

[00:41:10] it was a little spaceship with like a cockpit and some sort of small cozy living quarters

[00:41:18] and the cockpit was this glass dome so that you could you had a 360 view of the world around

[00:41:27] you and you can travel travel with this spaceship anywhere you could hover in the air somewhere over

[00:41:36] the Antarctic during a snowstorm or you can go to Pluto and land and you can dive to the

[00:41:45] deepest the deepest depths of

[00:41:50] like the oceans and you can just stay there and watch the complete darkness around you

[00:42:02] and you can dematerialize so you could just go through solid rock and you could manifest

[00:42:09] yourself inside that rock without you being hurt without me being hurt and the thing with this

[00:42:17] was that I felt very strong when I had this fantasy so it often helped me when I was little

[00:42:30] then I was going to fall asleep to fantasize about me being in this spaceship going to hostile

[00:42:41] places environmentally hostile or hostile in other ways I was bullied in school maybe I could

[00:42:52] fantasize maybe I fantasized about going to school and being invisible in my spaceship

[00:42:58] with all my bullies and they wouldn't know I was there and I could like take stuff from their

[00:43:03] pockets and just confuse them and tie their shoelaces together and stuff so this was a very

[00:43:12] potent fantasy which gave me a lot of comfort when I was little and I don't know if I had

[00:43:19] this name for the spaceship then but when I grew up I told this fantasy to my then girlfriend

[00:43:27] and when I did that I named the spaceship Adventure Wolf I have an Tishvarian in Swedish

[00:43:35] so that's why my studio is called Adventure Wolf because it's like this

[00:43:42] me reminiscing my childhood and Henrik being little Henrik you know okay I guess this is it for

[00:43:56] this time I if this podcast gives you something tell me either way you see fit and maybe we will

[00:44:07] talk again next week I love you for listening thank you for being here and I'm still very nervous and

[00:44:18] and feel kind of awkward about this whole thing because I maybe I'm just delusional you know

[00:44:33] I don't know but I want to try so thank you for listening this far the two of you who are still

[00:44:42] here sleep tight