I feel like I am taking care of Henrik

[00:00:00] Hi Sleepy, just a very quick note before we start today's episode. Do you want to listen to this podcast without the ads? Then you absolutely can. Just subscribe to Fall asleep with Henrik plus and to do so you can just click the link in the podcast description and it'll be fixed. See you there.

[00:00:23] Hi and welcome to Fall asleep with Henrik. I'm Henrik and you're sleepy and it is what it is. What happens happens and right now there is nothing we can do. So let's begin.

[00:00:50] Hi Sleepy, hi to you, wherever you are in the world, in the vast world. Have you ever thought about all the spaces there are in the world?

[00:01:12] I mean, literally, totally a lot of spaces. If you've ever been in an airplane, looking down on the ground beneath you, at least with me, I always get struck by the sheer number of places there are.

[00:01:38] Not just cities or streets or buildings or, you know, it's just places like that particular spot beneath that particular tree out in the field.

[00:01:55] Like that's a place or that barn or those two old brick buildings that appear to be empty and the space in between them, the tall grass and that thing that you can see in the grass.

[00:02:21] You don't really know what it is. It seems like metal, but you don't know. It's rusty and worn and maybe it's an old lawnmower. So welcome to Fall asleep with Henrik. I'm Henrik and I'm going to talk just without any script or anything, just speak from whatever pops up in my brain.

[00:02:50] And you will partake in this weird exercise where the aim is for you to either fall asleep or be somewhat amused. So I'm not trying to worry about you to sleep through boredom.

[00:03:19] I'm just here talking. And if it helps, you can think of me as a friend. I know we're not actual friends. Well, unless we are, then of course we are. But I'm here as... I'm here as your friend.

[00:03:44] So first of all, I want to thank each and every one of you who have written to me, who sent me voice messages, who wrote DMs or comments on my social media. This first month of 2025 about how the podcast plays out in their own unique ways,

[00:04:13] in their own lives. I didn't really expect that. Although, well, it's double-edged because I knew that there would be some people who would appreciate this, but I didn't know that they were... would be from all over the world. All the way from...

[00:04:44] Yeah. North to south. West to east. So thank you wherever you are in the world. Hello to India, Russia, the United States, Italy, Germany, Bulgaria. Hello. Hi. Unless you hear it, I should mention I'm from Sweden.

[00:05:14] I'm sitting right now in my studio, in my garden. Although, this is technically not my garden anymore. I am... What do you call it? A divorcee? That's a fancy word for it. No, I recently separated from my... the mother of my child.

[00:05:45] It's been... it's been in the pipeline for... for a long while. We've been together for 17 years and... we love each other. We really do. And we're the best of friends. And we've been that for... at least... eight years, I think. And so this was sort of a natural step for us. And nobody's angry and...

[00:06:13] we both agree. And... our daughter is... well, it's new to her, but she's not sad or... scared or anything. It seems like... some... it seems like a very natural step. So I don't need any comfort or anything. I just thought that I... might tell you... this is the first time in all of my podcasts I'm actually talking about this. And I'm not sure why, because...

[00:06:44] I have a lot of... Swedish listeners. And yet I choose to... expose this truth about myself in my international podcast. I'm not sure why. I guess I wanted to... since the listeners are... my listener base are... smaller in the... in the world than it is in Sweden. Maybe I'm... trying to start out like... small, because it's not really a big deal

[00:07:14] in what I do. So... I keep recording... my podcasts... here... in Nina's... house... or rather... in the garden... in my studio... which is still here. But I live... in... in town... in an apartment. And it's... it's an exciting time... but of course... it's sad as well.

[00:07:46] It's... weird... being on my own... again. It's weird to... you know... you have so much... history... but you can't... you can't base... life... on history... can you? You can't base... now... on then. So...

[00:08:15] whenever I feel scared... which I do from time to time... I... think... about... what my brain tells me to do... not my... you know... belly... that... this is... like... a logic... and... like... probably wise... next step. I am... more and more in my life... looking up...

[00:08:45] you know... that makes me... and my journey... specific... and... our... respective journeys... don't go the same... directions anymore... to put it... like... without being too personal... I'm so grateful... to Nina... and I... still love her... like... from the bottom of my heart... and she's my best friend in the world...

[00:09:16] but sometimes... I have to pinch myself... and... like... check if this is actually... going on... I'm not sure... I'm not sure... I'm actually... really... really... conscious about... that... this is actually going on... you know... it's a huge thing... the first night in my apartment... I felt...

[00:09:45] it felt so wrong... like my entire existence... were... were... to collapse... sort of... sort of... and... I... I... I felt... deep in my heart... like... from my roots... that... that this was wrong... and... and I know that this is... well... in terms of... whatever... if you...

[00:10:13] if you can even talk about right or wrong... in... in a case like this... but... as far as I... am able to tell... this is right... you know... for us... it's... it's right... we've been talking about this for... months... and months... and months... and... it's right... I know that... but... it didn't feel right... you know... when I was there in the dark... in this...

[00:10:43] unfurnished... apartment... with just a bed... it felt like... something horrible... was going on... like I was... tearing myself up... from the roots... like I was... destroying something... beautiful... and I couldn't put my finger on... exactly what I was... tearing apart... because nothing has really changed...

[00:11:11] we haven't... we haven't really... changed anything... except... that we now live... in different places... all the rest of our... relationship... and our... commitment to our daughter... and... you know... everything else is... exactly the same... or... it's even better... you know... because... now we don't have that...

[00:11:40] darkness of... feeling that something... isn't right... anymore... now we can just enjoy... each other's company... and I've... God should know... that I... have missed that... I've really missed... being able to just... enjoy... without any... troubling thoughts... just enjoy...

[00:12:09] the company of... the mother of my child... so... it's good... but the first night... was terrible... since then it's been easier... I am... I... I think that I'm actually happy... I'm always a bit... alarmed... when I say stuff like that... because... I tend to be wrong... about those things... whenever I tell... someone I'm happy...

[00:12:39] I am actually not... because... if you're happy... you... you very seldom... feel the urge... to tell people... that you're happy... you're just... happy... you know... but on the other hand... if you're sad... you... don't really... tell people that either... so... I'm not sure... what's actually true... about... my state of mind... at the moment...

[00:13:09] I feel lost... in a way... but I also feel... more at home... than I've been... in many years... I feel... torn apart... and I feel... at some levels... very sad... you know... we have so much... history together... we have so many memories...

[00:13:42] and... that hurts... it hurts... to think of it... and... whenever I think about... what an amazing... human being... Nina is... then my... quote-unquote... ownership of her... is gone... you know... don't get me wrong... I'm not... under any illusion... that any... person could own... another person... but you know... what I mean...

[00:14:11] in a... traditional... couple relationship... you tend to... like... you claim... ownership... over each other... you know... so that's gone now... she could very well... meet someone else... or I could do... that... the same... and... we couldn't just... it wouldn't be up to us... anymore... and that's... I'm not... I'm not...

[00:14:40] sad about that... per se... but I'm sad that... we are no longer... that romantic item... you know... and that's... yeah... well... you know... so... I'm sorry... this wasn't... actually my intent... to start talking about this... I've had...

[00:15:08] I've had it in my head... for a while... that I should... approach this... in some way... and some of you... who listen... you... you listen to everything I do... even the Swedish... I mean... you could be Swedish... you could very well... be Swedish... listening to this English... speaking podcast... or vice versa... so... in case you're Swedish... and...

[00:15:37] are wondering why... I'm telling you this... in... my English... podcast is... well... as I said... I think it's... the listener base... in Sweden... are so diverse... and so wide... and so big... and... since this podcast... is mainly... a tool... to help... fall asleep... I wouldn't... want to take up... like... a major part... of the episode...

[00:16:08] in the Swedish version... I think it's about... the size of the audience... and... so my core listeners... from Sweden... who listen to this podcast... as well... now you know... and... for you... who are listening to this... who don't know me... like... so you don't have a relation... with me... throughout the years... as an actor... a performer... or podcaster... then... you know as well... but...

[00:16:37] it doesn't mean anything... to you... I guess... I want to end with... just telling you... like... as true as I can be... to myself... that I'm not sad... in... and it real... well... yeah I am... but... I'm not in the... I don't need anyone... to comfort me... or... or... and I don't need anyone... to tell me that... you're doing a grave... grave mistake... or...

[00:17:06] you shouldn't do that... or... I don't want to hear about... you know... you should never... have done this... you are an idiot... I don't need... I'm sorry... I don't want to dictate... what people say... or think... I just want you to know... that I'm good... I am good... this will be... great... for the three of us... I think...

[00:17:39] I guess... I... ran into... change... like this... gate... that just opened up to me... and... I stepped through it... and without even... really knowing it... I... changed... and then it became so... almost...

[00:18:09] almost... too easy... to just say yes... to that... changed... and... that... whenever I think about... like... a year ago... I see... a different... person... I am more... me... now... than I've... been for... 40 years... maybe... and that's... amazing... amazing... it's an amazing thing...

[00:18:39] to be... almost 50... and... I've been around the block... so to speak... you know... not through... partners... I'm... I'm talking about... experience-wise... I... I think that I've... experienced... enough... change... now... to... recognize... me... in all of it... and... of course... I'm going to... go through... even more change...

[00:19:09] I'm not having... I'm not having any illusions... that... change will now cease... of course not... but I feel... safe... sort of... I'm sad... and I'm also... very happy... you know... and... I am ruined... you know... I am...

[00:19:38] broken... but I'm... whole... and I'm more... whole... now... than I've ever been... does it make sense... that you can be broken... and whole... at the same time? I think so... I really think that... you can be broken...

[00:20:07] it's almost like... there's this... shell... around me... that has been... broken... broken into a million pieces... and... that there's something... truly... fresh... that have... has been exposed... you know... within... I feel... younger... in a way... and I feel...

[00:20:39] also... older... in a way... I feel like a grown-up... for the first time... in my life... and at the same time... I feel like... I am... nine... and... are just... starting to experience life... in a conscious way... I'm not... I'm not trying to be... like... fluffy on purpose...

[00:21:07] this is really how I experience it... my world is... I have never been able to see so... little... ahead of me... I've always had these... very clear... paths... in front of me... and now I just... I can't... barely see my hand... in front of my eyes...

[00:21:36] when I hold it up... figuratively speaking... so anyway... I didn't mean to alarm you... or upset you... or anything... I know... different people have different... relations... with... separation... divorce... well... I am not... actually not divorced... since we were never married... so... we split up...

[00:22:08] and it's the saddest thing... and the wisest thing... I've been through in... well... 17 years... and... we still hang out... like... almost every day... we live... very close to each other... and... as I said... nothing has really...

[00:22:38] changed... in that regard... but then again... everything has changed... isn't that weird... the way you describe your... relationship with another person... that... it does that much... it matters... you know... how you describe your relationship... what you decide... that it is... it's almost like... with money... you know... you say that... this money... this...

[00:23:10] these... symbols... on paper... or whatever... are worth... so and so... and we decide... we agree upon... this sum... it's... it's the same... with relationships... you say that... we're exclusive... we are... a couple... in a romantic way... and... then... that's just how it is... even though...

[00:23:38] nothing has really changed... you can live your whole life... and you can just... partake in this... pretend game... I'm not saying this... in a cynical way... this is just the way it is... isn't it? we can partake in... yeah... we play... you know... we play pretend... we say that... we belong to each other... because...

[00:24:08] that's... a convenience... way to... describe... what it is... to be in a... romantic relationship... but then again... of course we don't... own each other... of course we don't... owe each other... everything... it's all... you know... role play... I mean it is... it is... if I didn't know... the rules of role...

[00:24:37] of this particular... role playing game... called couple... playing couple... then I... wouldn't know... what to do... or what not to do... you know... it's because... the world... the rest of the world... is telling me... what... this game is all about... the only... relationship in your life... where you're not... I guess... well... where you are...

[00:25:06] controlled by a greater force... than those of your... pretend game... is... the relationship you have... with your child... and that goes... both ways... I guess... with your parent... and your child... I guess... since you're... being brought up... by your parents... or... you're bringing up... your children... that gives you... well... it's a deeper type... of relationship... I guess...

[00:25:35] and again... I'm not saying that... romantic relationships... are... like... bad... or... false... or anything... I think that... pretend... you know... common stories... the story about... what a... romantic relationship is... it's... I mean... it's a great story... and it gives so much meaning... to people's lives... including mine... I've had... 17 years of... joy...

[00:26:08] with this story... together with Nina... and it's... yeah... in a way... I feel... brave... I think that... we've been... brave... both of us... because not... everyone... dares to take this... step... because... we're not... enemies... we're not mad at each other... we love each other... you know...

[00:26:38] just... not in that way... anymore... and then... it's... maybe... it's maybe even harder... to go separate ways... because... there's still... you know... love... I feel brave... and... we are... of course... we've been through... turmoil... these...

[00:27:07] past months... but then again... the world around us... has been through... even more... turmoil... both regarding to us... but also... of course... that... the world... is a tumultuous place... at the moment... I mean... some of you... sleepies... out there in the world... you live in... countries where... right now... history... are being... is being written in...

[00:27:35] very tumultuous ways... I'm not gonna... mention... any specifics... so I can keep it... like... vague... on purpose... but I mean... a separation... is... well... that could be the least... of your issues... at the moment... and... that's how it feels... right now...

[00:28:05] I kind of... wonder why... it... why... why doesn't more people... do this... you know... why... don't we... more... as a... why... why... why don't we have the courage... to look at our own relationships... and say... this is good... but... I want this... you know... why can't we just... set each other free... in that sense... I'm not...

[00:28:34] I'm not sure why... and I'm... I've been a part of this... fear of change... myself... I think that... honesty... is only half of it... I think maybe... maybe... respect... is the second half of it... and... that respect... should influence...

[00:29:04] all choices... like... not just... the choices that... automatically benefits... like... instantly... the other part... the fact that... you can say yes... or no... to someone... or even... to yourself... that's something that... should be treated... with... with the utmost respect...

[00:29:32] you owe it to yourself... to be true... and... I mean... in my upbringing... if my truth... leads to me... breaking off from... this traditional... view of a family... that... would have been seen... in my upbringing... as... a betrayal... a... merciless...

[00:30:02] form of truth... but I... believe now... as an adult... that... there's... that's just a way of... I mean... being merciless... is... a choice... you know... and you can be... how true to yourself... as... ever... you know... you could be... oh god... you could be...

[00:30:31] as true to yourself... as... you want... without hurting... anyone... as long as you are true to... other people... at the same time... and... so... honesty... but... respect... I think... honesty and respect... are like... the two... qualities... that human relationships...

[00:31:01] need the most... in order to function... and maybe also... belief... believe... believing... in each other... and in... the... that... the future... is not static... so... what happens... when you look about... upon the future... in your own mind... when you see...

[00:31:30] future scenarios... develop... unfold... before you... you tend to see... like... static images... don't you? like... okay... so... we go our separate ways... and I grow to be a lonely... alcoholic... dude... who sits in an apartment... and... just... drinks himself... into oblivion... that's...

[00:32:00] a static image... of what I'm... what I've... what I'm afraid to become... so... it doesn't say anything about... I will go through a phase... of... being an old alcoholic... in an apartment... you know... and then... that phase... will turn into another phase... or... for that matter... I won't go... through that phase... because I'm... afraid of that phase... or whatever...

[00:32:31] it's... it's like we watch... the future... unfold... but... never in that... one thing leads to another way... that... existence is all about... nothing... ever exists... in just a vacuum... but we tend to see it that way... if I do this... I will be this... and if we look back... on our lives... when has it ever been like that? when have... anything...

[00:33:00] that we've experienced... as... being humans... on planet Earth... been... static? we don't come from a photograph... we come from... a series of events... that I'll let us... here... and... this is just... this one... particular moment... and you make... choices that... you feel... is right... and of course...

[00:33:29] you can make the... wrong choice... seen from... different... directions... or perspectives... of course you can... regret... stuff you've made... decisions you've made... but that... doesn't change... the fact that... everything is changing... everything is evolving... everything is unfolding... in front of you... and regardless... if you have made... a wrong or right choice... seen from...

[00:33:59] all different types of perspectives... then that will change too... you know... nothing is fixed... nothing is... frozen in place... and that gives me... great comfort... thinking about... that my choices are not... an on and off switch... yeah... that's... that's the thing...

[00:34:28] we tend to think about... choices... as... on and off switch... for different types of consequences... like... if I do this... then the switch will be off... and if I do this... the switch will be on... but life isn't like that... of course we can... activate switches... but we never know... what they do really... you know... we can never truly control... what happens... so let's say that...

[00:34:58] in a parallel universe... me and Nina... we did... we never had the courage... to take the leap... we never had the chance... we never had the... the courage... or the curiosity enough to... dare to watch our relationship... from a different angle... and... that could have been... so right... and... so wrong... depending on from which way... you're looking at it... and no one knows... it's gonna happen in the future...

[00:35:29] so... the only thing you really have... is now and... choices are not... an on and off switch... it isn't even the... uh... sort of a... dimmer... you know... where you can dim the lights... up or down... there are no switches... you make decisions... and... then...

[00:35:57] things change... or... decisions will be made for you... or... you will be forced into stuff... so I don't know... the only thing I know is that... I feel safe... I do... I really do...

[00:36:27] I feel like... I am... taking care of... ...Henrik... and by that... also taking care of... the rest of the people around me... I know how... I know how... the strength... to take care of... different people around me... actually... yeah... well...

[00:36:56] I don't know... I don't want to say too much... because it's... I don't want to say too much... about how I feel... in this regard... because... it might very well be... like this... second that I feel this way... and... then... all of a sudden... something else happens... but one thing that... really strikes me as... odd... well... maybe not odd... but... curious... is that... us...

[00:37:26] folks... here on planet Earth... we tend to let... emotion control... almost everything we do... and I'm not saying... emotions are wrong... and I'm not saying... we shouldn't listen to them... but... the fact that we obey them... almost every wake and hour... almost everything... that happens to us... almost everything we do... is being controlled... by what we feel...

[00:37:55] at any given moment... and I think that's... part of the reason... why we also... sometimes get... quite unhappy... because emotions... doesn't really... lead us... in an organized way... emotions are very direct... and... yeah...

[00:38:26] they are... they are... very strong... tools... of telling us... about the world... but they are... often wrong... and... a way to be a grown-up... is to learn... how to differentiate... between... when an emotion... is beneficial for you... or when it just... makes life harder... and... I mean...

[00:38:55] most of the time... I should say that... any strong emotion... that I have... makes my... life harder... I mean... sometimes I can... really feel that... emotions are... truly the thing... I mean... I could feel... these... waves of joy... crushing in over me... it can fill me with... so... such bliss... and then I can... you know...

[00:39:24] I can think about... that this was a good... a good feeling... this was a good... state of mind... I will... enjoy this now... and then I can... enjoy this... as long as it... lasts... but then if you look at... all the troubles... in the world... and I'm not saying that... troubles just occurred... right now... these recent years... but... there's...

[00:39:53] a bunch of stuff... that we need to sort out... I think... quite... soon... and... if you look at... how... most of it... most of our troubles... have... come into this world... it's through... particular people's feelings... like... I am... a dictator in a country... and I have a feeling...

[00:40:22] a very strong feeling... that this other country... truly belongs to... to my country... that's my feeling... my urgent... overwhelmingly... true feeling... that I have... and I'm listening to this feeling... and I'm also... have the means... to... fulfill this... the dreams... that are awoken... by this feeling... I could make this...

[00:40:50] dream into reality... so I do it... because... I have feelings... it's the same... the same feeling... that makes someone... hit... or... hurt... someone you love... because you're jealous... or... keep someone... captured in your... presence... with... physical or psychological...

[00:41:21] imprisonments... just because you're afraid... that you will lose... or be... rejected... or hurt... those feelings don't do us... any good... at all... do they? but they're still feelings... and there's nothing wrong... with a... with a feeling... it's the actions... that the feelings...

[00:41:51] lead to... so I'm not saying... get rid of the feelings... I'm saying... maybe we should keep a buffer... you know... maybe we should keep this room... inside us... that are... if not... free from emotion... so... but at least... like... able to look at emotion... as just that... emotion... so I can sit here... and I can feel that... that country belongs... to my... people...

[00:42:22] and... that... world should be mine... or... that political view... is... wrong... and... it's nothing wrong... with the actual feeling... because the feeling itself... don't hurt anyone... the feeling itself... don't kill people... or... repress people... and I'm not saying... all action... on feelings...

[00:42:51] do that... but there's a lot of feelings... that makes the world... a... worse place... am I right? we should really be... better... at this day and age... to separate between... what... what feels right... and what actually is... right... because it's not...

[00:43:21] always the same... it's often so... that... these are two different truths... I think... and that hurts the world... I mean... imagine all the suffering... that could be avoided... by just... taking a deep breath... and... thinking about the world... as a bigger...

[00:43:50] venue... than just the playground... for... your own... very contemporary... feelings... yeah... well... sorry... sorry for being... almost political... at this point... and I'm... I'm not... this is not that type... of a podcast... but now... since I've entered into this... realm of...

[00:44:21] complicated... and somewhat sad... ...facts... about myself... I find myself... grasping for... deeper meaning... in all this... I'm not afraid of change... but I'm... terrified of change... so right now...

[00:44:49] outside of my studio... I heard Nina coming home... with her car... and... later today... we're gonna have... afternoon coffee... and... laugh at stuff... we laugh... so much more now... since we came to this decision... and I'm... I don't think I'm... romanticizing the truth here... that's... really what I feel... I feel that...

[00:45:22] laughter... comes so much easier... weird... a part of me wishes... that I... could have come up with this sooner... but it wasn't time... tomorrow by the way... or... rather... well... it's on... Tuesday... I think... there will be a whole bunch of planets... lined up...

[00:45:51] for us to view... so me and Nina... and a few friends... together with our... respective kids... we're going to meet up and... have a little party... a planet lineup party... and it'll be... grand... I think humanity... I mean... I think... I think our life... is bigger than... our situations...

[00:46:22] and... I mean... you could live through the horror... of... a century... in your own mind... and... still the world around you just... revolves... you know... around the sun... I find that helpful... sometimes... when I'm sad...

[00:46:51] you know what makes me sad? the fact that I feel... at some level... like... a failure... I feel... like... I've failed... we've failed... we've failed being... what a... what two people... in a romantic relationship... should be... for the rest of their lives... a couple... in love...

[00:47:20] with cozy date nights and... too... too... on... tete-a-tetes... in the evenings... when the children went to bed... and... we failed... you know... we're not normal... what's wrong with us? we're... cynic... cold people that...

[00:47:50] don't... understand... true love... sometimes... those thoughts... take deep root... and... they scare me... they really do... they really scare me... because I'm... I have this suspicion... and I don't think... that it's... an accurate... fact... but I have this...

[00:48:20] deep suspicion... within me... that I am not... a loving person... and I come back to this... from time to time... even in this podcast... I've spoken about this before... that I'm not... a loving... person... and I've told people about this... and they laugh... you know... they say that... I am a loving person... I truly love... but why can't I distill it... in myself then?

[00:48:49] why can't I just... you know... well maybe... that's what makes me loving... that I constantly... reflect... on it... I don't know... but I know... a whole bunch of people... that are truly... genuinely loving... and... know it... why can't I just... feel it... in me? I don't really have a connection... to...

[00:49:22] me as... a loving... good person... I wonder why that is... and of course that's... that haunts me... in this process... that haunts me because I'm afraid... especially... afraid that my daughter is... going to grow up... and one day when she's 35... she will tell me that... I've never... really felt that you loved me...

[00:49:58] you know... that's... truly one of my worst... fears... my biggest fears... the fact that I am... I'm going to discover later on... that... she never felt loved or something...

[00:50:30] again... people laugh at me when I say this... but these are true... feelings... I think... from... I mean... I don't know about the facts... but... I truly fear... that I don't... what if I'm... unable to... express... love... okay... so...

[00:51:00] these are the ways... that I express love... to... people around me... not... only my daughter... but of course... her... in particular... okay... so I say that... a lot... I say I love you... a lot... to... especially my daughter... but also people around me... that I... love... I... I guess... that's... it's love... that I'm feeling... but words can be deceiving... you know... you can say... I love you...

[00:51:29] but still... you know... it's... it's not... it could very well be that... these are just words... and... this is how I interpret love... you know... it's just... temporary... hormones... or whatever... so words... I mean... of course they are... they are... a... a... good tool... but... they don't... prove anything... so...

[00:51:58] I'm constantly... monitoring... how other people feel... but that's not... necessarily... a sign of love... I think... maybe... even more so... it's a sign of... fear... because I'm scared... that people will... be sad... and... I don't really know why... I think... it has to do with something... about me... I guess... it has to do with the fact that I...

[00:52:27] at a deep level... think that... me being... just me... hurts people... oh god... this is psychotherapy... level... over... overly level... leveled... I didn't mean to really... show you this much of me... okay... because this is... absurd in a way... yeah... I mean... I am a loving person... of course I am... and...

[00:52:57] my existence... isn't hurtful to anyone... I am... a... perfectly normal... well-liked... boy... I think it's... something that... they taught me when I was a kid... I think... that my... my... me...

[00:53:25] being here on the planet... in this... structure... that is called... family... are being... dependent on... what I do... at any given moment... and... I've... always had the feeling... that what I do... is not... good... enough... not just... what I do as... you know... as a craftsman...

[00:53:55] or whatever... it's... who I am really... that doesn't really suffice... and... yeah... I guess that's my... parents... but... don't get me wrong... I mean... I'm not saying that... they... I'm not... angry with them... or anything... I think you really need to... let your parents... get off the hook... unless your parents...

[00:54:25] did something... truly terrible to you... I mean... parents are people... they do mistakes... and they are also... victims of... their own upbringing... and their... current society... around them... at the time... and we don't know... you know... we were kids... and we can't... know... how it felt... at that time... but one of the mistakes... my parents did... is that... they painted the world... in black and white... in a way... and...

[00:54:54] they painted the world... in good people... and bad people... and... that gave me... I think that I... intuitively... took on the role... as a bad person... because... I think my mom... needed a bad... bad person... not... me being the bad person... and... it's very complex... because she... I also...

[00:55:23] paid a good effort... of... making her... believe... that I was a good person... yeah... so... if you ask my siblings... they say that... I was so good... I mean... I were mom's... favorite child... and that was all... a lie... as I experienced it... because in my heart... I knew... that I... she wouldn't approve... you know...

[00:55:55] yeah... yeah... it went deep... this one... sorry... maybe you can't... fall asleep to this episode... then... just feel free... to switch over to another... you don't have to listen to this... I'm... I'm... yeah... the purpose of this... is that you're supposed to let go... but it is what it is... and what happens... happens... and... right now... I'm talking about... this major shift in my life...

[00:56:27] so I'm working... kind of hard... with... that part of me... the part of me that... feels that... I'm sort of lying to the world... about being a good guy... but on the inside... I'm just this... dark soul... you know... and... I don't have really the... the vocabulary to... explain...

[00:56:55] in what way I am a dark soul... well... I'm not... I don't... if there even is this thing... as a dark soul... but... I pretended to be this little angel... because I think my mom needed an angel... that's it... my mom didn't need a bad person... my mom needed an angel... and that's what I showed her... yeah... so I was wrong previously... when I said that... I were the bad... person that she needed... because... her adaptive...

[00:57:25] her storytelling... about the world... needed bad... people and... bad deeds... you know... moral... dogma... but I... and I were... in my self-image... the lower... parts of me... the darker... aspects of me... fell into... her... narrative... about... the world being good...

[00:57:55] versus evil... and... that's why I never really came clear about... my truest... inner... self... instead... I told her almost everything... and... twisted it... so that... she would think that I was... you know... truly good... fighting... with my... evil parts... now... before you run off...

[00:58:24] yelling from the church stops... that... Henrik's mom... fucked him up for life... I just want to say that... no... this is not true... it's... it's... very complicated... and... as with any parents... you know... life is an explosion... life is a disaster... suddenly you're a dad... suddenly you're a mom... suddenly you have... you have responsibility... for a growing... person that...

[00:58:55] absorbs like... every breath you take... for the first... first... five... six years... and... I mean... it's an impossible... job... so no... I'm not... saying that my parents... have done something... unforgivable... quite the opposite... actually... but you can be mad at them... but still love them... those two things...

[00:59:24] can coexist... in your mind... and I'm... I am angry that... those... this duality... this good versus... evil duality... was planted in my brain... when I was a kid... but they didn't do it on purpose... who am I to say that... I know exactly... what it means... to be a good parent... I don't know... and that's why I'm so scared... that... in the future... Harriet... my daughter...

[00:59:53] will come to me... and she will say... you were... you were an awful dad... you were exactly... like you said... you wouldn't be... you ruined me... you know... oh... that scares me... that's maybe the worst thing... about being a parent... the fear of...

[01:00:23] making their lives harder... because you love them... more than you love yourself... in a way... so this was... a deep episode... and I'm sorry for... if I brought you down... that wasn't my intention... really... but I needed to get this... off my chest... and now I have... and... as it turns out... the hour is over... and... it's time for me... to finish this episode...

[01:00:52] next... week... I will be back again... and then I will tell you... something... truly... amazing... and amusing... and happy... and shallow... and I won't mention... my own psyche... at all... about... balloons... bananas... and... trip-hop... goodnight... sweet sleepy... wherever you are... in the world...