Debris, Please Stay Awhile

[00:00:00] Hi Sleepy, just a very quick note before we start today's episode. Do you want to listen to this podcast without the ads? Then you absolutely can. Just subscribe to Fall asleep with Henrik plus and to do so you can just click the link in the podcast description and it'll be fixed. See you there.

[00:00:24] Hi and welcome to Fall asleep with Henrik. I'm Henrik and you're Sleepy and this is what it is. What happens happens and right now there is nothing we can do. So let's go.

[00:00:46] Hi Sleepy. First of all, I want to mention again my humble, overly ambitious goal with this podcast and that is to reach 1 million people within a year. That's like around this time next year, a bit earlier, maybe in the beginning of the fall next year.

[00:01:14] And so far I've reached like a couple of thousand people and I have this dream of reaching a wide, really wide audience with this falling asleep podcast. So if you happen to like it, please share it amongst your friends and your loved ones and your enemies or your frenemies.

[00:01:38] Anyone really who could benefit from this unqualified garbage that is this podcast. So, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, write reviews, share it in social media, say stuff to people of influence or otherwise.

[00:02:00] You know, I really don't like this part of the job, but it's unfortunately it's necessary for me or for anyone really. If you want to grow and I do, I do, I do want to grow. So the message, if there is one here is that this podcast doesn't really have a message. I'm not going to impose. I'm just going to talk and you don't even have to listen.

[00:02:29] You can just press play and that's it. You've done your job and now you just listen to my rambling for an hour. And sometimes I will say stuff that means something. And sometimes I will just say whatever.

[00:02:54] So first of all, I want to reach out to my American listeners and say that last week I made a prediction that turned out to be very gravely false. And regardless of what you think politically, regardless of who you voted for, I guess there's turbulence coming.

[00:03:20] Not just for you, but like the ripples will reach like almost every country in the world. And I just wanted to say that we're in this together, all of us. And let's just try and keep dignified, you know, keep our dignity and our empathy and our hope.

[00:03:50] Because what else is there really? It's so easy for us to sink into something dark. It's in our nature, really. I mean literally in our nature. The people who lived before us, like in the ancient days, forlorn people.

[00:04:17] They were really benefiting from a negative view of the future. Because, yeah, think of it like you're living in a cave at the coast somewhere in South Africa 70,000, 100,000 years ago. And like 500 meters away from you, there's another cave.

[00:04:43] And in that cave there's this cave lion that's been living there in generations. The same as you, really. This cave in South Africa, it exists for real. I can't remember the name. I never remember it whenever I bring it up. I do that constantly in my Swedish version of this podcast.

[00:05:09] I talk about this cave because it's such a fascinating place. Because it's been home to generations of people for thousands of years. And even before Homo sapiens, there's traces of other humans before them.

[00:05:36] So imagine that you live there and you're a Homo sapiens and you're an early Homo sapiens. And it's like you're a hunter-gatherer. And with emphasis on the gatherer part because you don't really have any tools to hunt with. And in this particular case, you have it quite well because the sea provides you with a lot of, so to speak, free food.

[00:06:04] You can walk around at the shore just picking oysters and other easily catched seafood. Maybe you're an expert in catching fish as well. I don't know. So you have it quite... It's a nice time.

[00:06:33] But you should never just relax. You couldn't... At that time, you couldn't just... Well, 500 meters away, there was this cave lion they have actually found. I don't know if it's 500 meters or one kilometer or I don't know. But close by, they have found traces of an equally old living place, but for predators.

[00:07:03] And I don't mean people. I mean like the gigafauna or whatever you call it. It's like huge animals. So like this cave lion, huge, much bigger than today's lions, but with smaller manes for the males.

[00:07:25] And so think of an existence where you have to live like neighbor to this apex predator. Those of the early homo sapiens that just thought of the world as this nice and kind and warm and positive place.

[00:07:52] And just walked around naked in the sun enjoying the wind on their skin. You know, never mind the sound coming from the bushes. It's okay. It's probably just a rodent. But those people didn't stay around for so long.

[00:08:13] So the negative people who saw the potential danger in everything, in every rustle in the leaves, they could live on, pass their genes on to the next generation. And so it's in us to be negative and to think about the future as dark. And I'm not saying that the future is bright. We don't know. That's the thing.

[00:08:44] And yeah, the future could be or probably will be a mix of both. There will be so much darkness and there will be so much light. And what you consider light, someone else consider darkness. And there really isn't any objective truth to any of it.

[00:09:10] So I guess everything, all we need to do really, all we can do is try to take care of each other the best we can. And try not to carry bitterness and anger. I mean, it sounds like a cliche, but it's, I mean, it's true, you know. The only thing I can do is take care of what my own emotions do and try to be good to others.

[00:09:39] And mainly because that's the least hurtful thing I can do to myself. If you want to keep it like consistent with a view that says yes to the individual, in this case me. If I want to benefit me throughout life.

[00:09:59] If I want to go through life with like as little hurt as possible. The best thing I can do, I can do in order to protect myself from hurt is to A. Try and try not to get my emotions, get the better of me.

[00:10:28] Not give in to destructive impulses like anger and bitterness and hate and violence. Because in the end that hurts me as well. And to or be or whatever. I should just try to be nice to other people, you know. Try to take care of those which I can take care of.

[00:10:58] I can't take care of everyone, but I can take care of some to some extent. And I guess that's the only thing I really can do in order to keep myself intact throughout life. So, as you can notice, as you notice, I'm trying to avoid the moral aspect of this.

[00:11:27] I don't really believe in sense moral. I don't really believe in like quote unquote the right thing to do. I think life is more complicated than that. And we as humans, we have also like invented good and evil in a way. Nature doesn't really work in terms of good and evil. Nature just works.

[00:11:54] And I'm not saying that we should all go out and just, you know, rip our competitors to pieces or just solve all conflicts with violence as much of it is done in nature. But I'm saying that moral isn't a part of it. At least not in a general sense.

[00:12:23] If we look at like existence overall in the cosmos as far as we know it. So good and evil are concepts that we people have invented in a way. And some of it are based on like genuine facts. Like if I do something that hurts you physically, that will hurt you physically, you know. So that's a fact.

[00:12:53] But if I say that whatever you believe in is for stupid people, then I'm not really doing anything based in nature. I'm saying something that goes against something you believe in. I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm just fantasizing.

[00:13:20] But it's, I mean, we're, I'm not saying that we should just ignore what we call moral. I think that's very often the only thing that we can hold on to. Because we can all agree that killing someone's grandma is wrong. You know, you know, it's wrong. It's generally frowned upon to kill someone's grandma.

[00:13:47] And we shouldn't do that because it will hurt like not just the grandma, but the people around the grandma and eventually the killer himself or herself. So, I'm not saying that moral is wrong. I'm just, I'm just saying that I'm trying to avoid the fact that there's some divine truth that says that what we should do or not do.

[00:14:15] I think that's a fundamental thing of looking at things and I, fundamentalist thing of looking at things and I'm not. Well, let's just say that I'm against any type of fundamentalist view of the world. I, I really want to wonder. I really want to doubt.

[00:14:40] That's my comfort in life that we can never be really sure about anything. That really helps me when I feel sad. And I felt quite sad after the American election, the US election. I felt sad and I'm not going to go into this because I know everyone is, has a different opinion about this.

[00:15:10] And I'm not, I don't, I am not a political person. In this, in this scenario, I'm just your average weird Swedish dude that's going to talk you to sleep. So, I'm not going to go into this as I did last week. Like, I, let me just say one thing though.

[00:15:31] I, I said that if you feel like I've overstepped my, any boundary or said anything that hurt you or made you feel anything other than just this is a cozy podcast and I use it to fall asleep. Then please write to me because this is still an experiment. So, I don't really know what I'm doing, doing this in English.

[00:15:58] And, I have, I only had one response and that response was, I agree with you. So, I mean, I had expected lots and lots of people to tell me that, to stay out of their business, you know. Like, sitting on your high horses here in Sweden. In socialist, socialist, communist Sweden.

[00:16:24] I'm joking, we're not socialists or communists. But, but it's, I mean, as far as the US goes, something, sometimes that's the narrative. So, I'm sitting here and just pointing fingers without even, I haven't even been to the States. So, I couldn't ever, you know. But none. I have got zero reaction to this. And I don't know if I should be happy or sad about this.

[00:16:52] I think happy because I don't ever want to hurt someone or make anyone feel that I'm, you know, trying to explain the world or something. Because, believe me, I know that I have nothing really important to say. And neither should I. Not in this scenario.

[00:17:12] If I say something that's to be considered wise or, you know, insightful in any way, that's, believe me, it's purely an accident. I don't have really any clue. And I'm going to keep it that way. I have, like, impulses and concepts of a plan.

[00:17:42] No pun intended. So, I go where my feelings and my unprocessed thoughts take me. So, that's what I do here. If you're not familiar with this vague concept of a podcast. So, okay. So, I don't remember really what I, yeah.

[00:18:11] Yeah, I was talking about how we are, you know, destined, sort of, to fall into darkness from time to time. And, I mean, it's sad. You really have to push yourself sometimes to be, like, positive. And there's this awful aspect of being positive. You know what I mean? The forced positivity.

[00:18:40] When people say, stop thinking so much. Just try and be positive. You know, the awful way of saying that to, for instance, a depressed person. Have you tried not being so sad? You know? That's awful. That's absolutely awful.

[00:19:05] And I'm not really thinking about positivity in that way. I think about positivity as a nuanced way of looking at the world, really. Like, how could we be so arrogant as to think that we really know what's going on?

[00:19:28] That's my main argument against people or worldviews that are purely dark. How can we be so arrogant as to think that we could possibly know what's going to happen? I mean, haven't the world, haven't time proved this to humanity again and again and again? That we can never know.

[00:19:56] We are always caught by surprise by the stuff that goes on. Positive stuff and negative stuff. Really bright, wonderful, heartwarming things and huge tragedies. That's, I mean, isn't that the trick of being a person?

[00:20:20] To balance this uncertainty and still feel safe and experience joy and love in life? Isn't that really the tricky part? I think so. Life is a disaster. And I don't mean a disaster in terms of tragedy.

[00:20:49] I mean disaster in terms of you wake up, a.k.a. born, you're born, in this debris, this pile of debris, like the aftermath of a plane crash. Figuratively speaking, the remnants of a plane crash.

[00:21:15] And you're just naked crawling around in these piles and piles of debris. Nothing really connects to one another and everything is just a mess. And then you just live there and you just pick up the debris from the ground and you build yourself stuff. You build the world around you together with your parents, hopefully, or other people around you.

[00:21:43] And that's life. I mean, and I don't mean this in a, like, in this very tragic way that disappears. I hear that now when I'm saying it out loud. But, I mean, isn't it really a fresh way of looking at the world?

[00:22:05] Like, we are not born into this perfect paradise which we are then ruining by being ourselves from one year to another. Adding one negative experience to another until we're just accumulated so much hurt and disappointment and bitterness. And then we just leave this earth. I mean, isn't that a weird and very...

[00:22:34] What do you call it? It's a bad way of looking at life, I think. If you think of life as a disaster. And I mean disaster in the most delightful way. You know? Because if we're born into a disaster, there's really nothing you can do to ruin it even more. You know?

[00:23:00] The only thing that you can do in the remnants of a disaster, in this pile of mess and debris that life is, then the only thing that you can really do is build. And hopefully you can build something beautiful. But even so, you can build, like, anything. You can build, like, this huge, bright place for people to feel safe in.

[00:23:29] Or you can build the atom bomb. You know? You can build anything out of life. And I think it's a very fresh way to look at things. Rather than just looking at this perfect environment that are created without us, really. And we're put here. And our job is to balance this very narrow line between doing harm and doing good.

[00:23:55] And if we think of everything as ruined, then all we can do, really, is to try and build something, and hopefully something beautiful. So that really speaks to me. I really feel home in that way of looking at the world. Although it's sometimes, of course, it's hard to be consistent with it.

[00:24:24] And then it's, like, for instance, now in my life I go through stuff, a lot of different stuff, emotional stuff. And I guess one day I'm going to talk about the specifics of this emotional stuff. But right now, let me just say that I'm in a phase in my life right now,

[00:24:51] which has, well, I've never been here before. And it's turmoil, it's debris, it's chaos. And that's hurtful, and it feels dangerous, and I feel unsafe. But it helps to look at the world in terms of, this is a disaster to begin with, you know.

[00:25:21] I should just consider myself lucky to be alive, you know, in this turmoil that life is. Because there's nothing really in nature that promises me anything. There's nothing in nature that says that I need to be alive, I need to succeed, I need to feel happy. There is nothing in cosmos that tells me that this should be.

[00:25:49] That I, or whatever I dream of, or whatever I want to be manifested in, should be, you know, should exist. I should just be glad to be able to, you know, make it through the day. If I look at the world as a disaster, and not a disaster, as in terms of an actual plane crash with lost lives and such. I mean figuratively.

[00:26:20] God, I can't say that word. You know what I mean though? Figuratively. Figuratively. Figuratively speaking. Figuratively speaking. So whenever I mention the word disaster, you should think of it as a metaphor. For something undisciplined, unordered, and messy, you know.

[00:26:52] In some ways it's a relief to think of anything really. To be a disaster as a starting point. When you meet someone new, if you think of it as a disaster, rather than some narrow gateway that you have to enter,

[00:27:17] and with very tight crawl spaces that you need to go through in order to, you know, feel safe or whatever. If you just think of it as this mutual disaster, then there's so much you can do with that, you know. And there's so much stuff laying around in a disaster. And it's like everywhere.

[00:27:47] Imagine like this pile of stuff just laying around, and you can use whatever, whatever you need. And the only thing setting the boundaries are your imagination and the rules of physics. And the rules of physics are like, it's this amazing thing because you can like put stuff on top of stuff.

[00:28:14] And if you're thorough, it will stay put together, you know. If you put like a large cornerstone in each of the four corners, then you can put other stuff vertically above that, and you can create a floor. And then you can put stuff on that floor, like miniature furniture or heavy objects,

[00:28:44] depending on the material. And then you can rise walls against it, and you can lean in, so it becomes like this teepee form. You can put a little flag on top. You can do whatever you want. You can build like the Eiffel Tower, or you can build a little robot that sells ads to children in poor districts.

[00:29:14] You know, it's your choice. You can do whatever you want with this debris. Life is. So anyway, that's what I think about when I feel myself sinking into darkness. And it really helps. And not just darkness in terms of fear or despair, also in terms of anger and bitterness, because I think that bitterness and anger are,

[00:29:44] well, maybe not anger like in aggression. I've often found that being really angry have historically helped me in life. Most of my victories, if I can say that, has come from, initially has stemmed from this feeling of anger, that why can't I just do this?

[00:30:14] And then stuff happens. This podcast, for instance, if you didn't know, if you're new here, it's an it's a it's an English version of my Swedish podcast, Fall Asleep With Hendrik. And I've been doing that for like six years now. And that's my line of work. That's what I do to make a living.

[00:30:43] And I I thought about making this podcast in English like year one. But I never had the guts to do it. And since the Swedish version went so well, I didn't really need to do it. But I still wanted to do it. So I tried it like with different artificial intelligence tools. So I made this digital clone of my voice. And I wrote like random scripts

[00:31:13] with the prequel to GPT-3, which was like GPT-2. And that was way before chat GPT and those platforms. And they were like terrible scripts. And I also used an old version of Lama, the Facebook, the meta open source open language model.

[00:31:43] So I was yeah, I thought that this would be the way and maybe one day it will. I don't know. But I thought at the same time as I continued to do this in this very vivid way in Swedish, I resented myself for not daring, for not having the guts to do this in English. I thought of myself as this dork,

[00:32:12] as this like yeah, a dork, a nerd. Well, not a nerd, that's not necessarily a bad thing, is it? A nerd is something, someone who knows a lot of things and are really into something specific. Okay, so a dork, someone who, you know, a geek, you know? And because whenever

[00:32:44] we Swedes speak English, we feel we're generally very good at English, but whenever we speak it, we're ashamed of our dialects and our broken English and we try to be this fully American or English speaking person, but we are not, you know? So I've never dared to do this.

[00:33:14] And as years went by, I felt more and more anger about the fact that I was such a coward not to even try it. And so one day I just, it just, yeah, coincidences collided and I met people

[00:33:44] that inspired me to do this. So I did it. And now I'm not angry anymore. So anger is maybe it's a good force, at least to some degree. But when I got into acting school back in 1995, I had this old actress, she's dead now. She was called, well, now I'm not sure if she's dead,

[00:34:14] so I'm not going to say her name because I think that's going to jinx. If she's not dead, then she's really, really old. Anyway, I'm not going to say her name because I don't want to jinx anything. But anyway, she's one of my big role models, really. and she told us the night when we got accepted, she told my class that the only thing that you

[00:34:44] really need to concern yourself with as actors are not to be bitter because there are so many pitfalls of bitterness in this line of work. When you're, you know, you're chosen or you're not chosen for a part or a position or a role and acting business is full of

[00:35:14] bitter people and we, none of us really thought that we were going to be bitter, you know. We had just been accepted into this four-year-long education which was going to make us professional actors and that was like this huge reward and I think that we all felt at this, that very particular moment that everything was going to turn out totally

[00:35:44] fine for us. But that was, yeah, that was like 30 years ago, 29 years ago. And, well, some of us became bitter, me included, I guess. I think bitterness is one of the worst states.

[00:36:14] I'm not sure you can consider it a feeling because there are so many more based feelings in bitterness like fear and sorrow and anger. But bitterness is a state like it's a prison that you can't really escape. At least it takes great effort to escape it. And I believe that I, I'm free now, but I'm not sure.

[00:36:43] Sometimes it just reminds me that it's there, you know, the bitterness sometimes I can run into old colleagues of mine, colleagues that have made movies, like, plural. I've been in one, no, I've been in two movies. I've been

[00:37:13] in two feature films in my life and I have colleagues that have done. And I have colleagues in the US who have been in like 500, you know, so, but then of course it's not just, it's not all good things, you know, but that doesn't really matter in this scenario.

[00:37:43] So, I, I've walked another path, I've made my own things, and I've come to terms with that. but sometimes when I meet those colleagues, I look at them and they tell me about their life and it seems so, I mean, their life was my goal to begin with, you know, to live exclusively from having other

[00:38:13] people giving you stuff to do. Because that's really what an actor does, you know, and you can be creative and do stuff on your own, but acting is in its core taking other people's material, texts, or other influences, and you know, playing it

[00:38:44] in front of a camera or a microphone or on stage. And none of that is really true in my case because I create everything I do on my own. I don't remember really when I took someone else's text and performed it. I think that must have been like six or seven years ago I did that the last time and no,

[00:39:15] no, actually, yeah, that was also my own stuff. It was the feature film I was doing that was based on a play that I wrote and I also wrote the feature the screenplay and after that I did a play which I and the other cast members and the director we just improvised the story so I

[00:39:45] don't really remember the last time I did something that is not Henrik. That must have been 13 years ago maybe. That's not, I'm not really what you can consider an actor anymore and that sometimes fills me with bitterness because I think that initially in my career

[00:40:15] the theater business just ran past me left me in the back rooms and as a young guy I mourned this to a great extent but as I said I think that I'm mostly

[00:40:44] out of this state of bitterness I used to be much more of a bitter guy I used to self medicate with alcohol to feel like a success because in a way there's so much in my life that I should be joyful over like there's so many things that I've created

[00:41:14] for myself not just in the terms of my line of work but also I mean I could have died during high school middle school as a result of bullying but I didn't I turned that around not everyone does that I did that and I got a lot of help from my parents but I need to

[00:41:44] pat myself on the back because pat myself pat myself on the back what do you say I can't pat myself on the back that's something completely different isn't it so I pat myself on the back I will give myself a huge hug and a little trumpet signal and a little crown prom king crown to salute that

[00:42:14] I were creative and strong enough to make it through those years because I think that if I had been a little weaker and if my parents hadn't been there I would have died and that's not adding a lot of drama to something quite mundane it's the truth I would not be alive today and then well first

[00:42:44] of all let me just say that I was lucky and I was strong and I had great parents think of all the people that doesn't have that I mean great parents inner strength and lucky stars it's very rare I guess for all of those things to

[00:48:44] playing with a girl. I had a lot of girlfriends, but this girl was, I mean, I guess I was at that age when it became significant, the gender roles, you know. So I remember it being very exciting,

[00:49:13] but still so very free and playful, and we ran across this, what do you call it, when the snow is very hard, so you can walk on it, like it's below zero, so it's like in terms of degrees, so it's like it's minus 30 degrees or something,

[00:49:38] so it's, you can walk on the snow, so we ran and sometimes we would just plunge through the snow, the surface of this snow, and just sink down to our ankles, and you know, you remember just running in this dark winter night and being so happy and so free, and above you there are stars, and those stars are like

[00:50:04] throwing themselves at you with an intensity that's not really real, and everything you experience goes right to the core of you, the play, the game, her hair in the night, our laughter, our rolls, the ice-cold wind,

[00:50:31] and the hard packed snow that sometimes break with this crunchy sound, and the fact that your parents are going to come and pick you up eventually, and drive you home, and you're going to have supper, just put in front of you, and then you're going to go to sleep, and you're going to fall asleep like immediately, because you're tired, and you're a child,

[00:51:00] and you don't have anything to worry about, except for stuff that your mom and dad can just kiss away, and everything you experience goes right into the core of you, I so miss that, sleepy, I do, I do, I was out walking yesterday, and I thought to myself, is this just the season, or is it my eyes,

[00:51:30] my eyesight getting worse, or is it a part of growing up, and becoming middle-aged, that the world around you seems so much less important, like the trees, and the sky, and the clouds, and the colors overall, it just, they seem more dull, more gray,

[00:51:59] like they don't matter, like they're, like there's some background, and I guess, that comes with the territory, because you've seen it all before, like a million times, and when you're a child, you haven't seen it, and you still run into stuff, that you haven't seen, but that really, that really makes me sad, to think about that,

[00:52:31] it's actually, a grayer world, when you're a grown up, but, because I don't believe, that's, that it, I don't believe it needs to be that way, but I don't know how to escape this, grayness, sometimes I feel like I, burst through, but it's short moments, you know,

[00:53:02] most of the time, as a grown up, you go through this, well I don't want to be dramatic, but, but it's, this, gray, tunnel, I know it sounds horrible, but I, I think, I really think sleepy, that it's, it doesn't have to be that way, you can, you can choose to go outside of that tunnel, but I guess it takes,

[00:53:31] it has, it comes with a price tag, attached, I guess, maybe that's what alcohol did for me, it, colored the world, yeah, yeah, it did, it didn't make the world become more clear though, so it wasn't at all, like when I was playing with my friend on that snowy field back in the 80s,

[00:54:04] it was, but the emotions and the colors just came, you know, and stayed with me, and created these bubbles of soft comfort, and this pure screaming joy of being, you know, a success,

[00:54:33] because all of us that are to, all of us that are alive, you know, should really consider ourselves successes, you know, we're, you and I, sleepy, we are a success, we're a freaking success story, because we live here, we make it through the day in this disaster called life, and it's not a bad thing,

[00:55:02] life was a disaster to begin with, it's not our fault, and we can begin each day by gathering the debris around us, and build something beautiful, and if we're lucky, what we build with this debris, stays for a few days around us, you know, until entropy just tears it all down again, and that's just the way it is, you know, but we have,

[00:55:32] we have like, we can be fortunate enough to stay under, like, the roof we built for us by the, with this debris, debris, for, maybe a few years, maybe, one second, and, I mean, it's a joyful thing, and we're a freaking success story, for doing it, for managing it, again, and again, and again, and I'm not trying to say that life is a struggle,

[00:56:00] because it's a very boring way of looking at things, I mean that it's a success, that it's as easy as it is, although life is such a disaster, you know, by origin, I mean, even for take, even taking one breath, is really a success story, considering that, outside this, egg shell thin atmosphere, that is above us,

[00:56:31] there are just, as far as anyone knows, nothing alive, nothing, for thousands, and thousands, and thousands, of kilometers, millions of kilometers, maybe, light years, no life, just void, emptiness, emptiness, or, if not,

[00:57:00] total emptiness, then just, you know, what good is it even to think about, random particles, in vacuum, you know, you and I, we are alive, and, like a centimeter away from us, for, as far as we know, nothing is alive, like for an eternity maybe, we don't know,

[00:57:31] and, right now, you and I, are alive, at the same time, and we really, should be celebrating that, more often, not in terms of, putting a party together, well you can do that too, if you want to, but I'm talking about, this very still, overwhelming joy, that you get from, well you know,

[00:58:00] maybe just, feeling the sun, in your face, if you haven't felt that, for a long time, or, hugging your child, if you haven't done that, in a long time, my daughter, hugged me the other day, and I, had to really, strain myself from, for not, falling, into tears, because, it's been a while now, she's a teenager, and she, doesn't normally, hug me anymore, and,

[00:58:30] well she does, but, it's a very, shallow, hug, it does, it's not really a hug, you know, but, the other day, she gave me a real hug, and, I mean, I, had to, you know, keep it together, not to spook her, but, I really wanted to cry, because, it felt so, wonderful, it felt like, when she was a,

[00:59:00] baby again, I keep talking about that, I, I keep talking about, how I miss, the baby years, actually, I, I kind of miss, I kind of miss that, but, not really, it's so cool, to have a teenage, child, it's so cool, to see that, she's opening doors, that,

[00:59:30] I've never opened, and, to see her, going through that doors, for longer, and longer periods of time, without, checking in with me, without, needing my guidance, and, I think it's such a cool thing, that I, I've been a part of it, part of, creating that, person, giving her,

[01:00:01] launch pad, and now, she's off, you know, into space, and, that's, really beautiful, okay, so I don't know, what this episode, really, became, but if I'm lucky, you're asleep, so you didn't have to, you didn't have to, muster, this, unqualified content, but I feel pride,

[01:00:31] in, declaring this podcast, and its episodes, non-content, because, that's what it is, I'm not trying, to entertain you, I'm not trying, to bore you, I'm just me, and, it is what it is, and, to get off, Thank you.