Conversations from the Lighthouse

[00:00:00] Hi Sleepy, just a very quick note before we start today's episode. Do you want to listen to this podcast without the ads? Then you absolutely can. Just subscribe to Fall Asleep with Henrik+. And to do so, you can just click the link in the podcast description and it'll be fixed. See you there.

[00:00:34] And to do so, you can click the link in the podcast description and it'll be fixed.

[00:01:06] Hi and welcome to Fall Asleep with Henrik. I happen to be Henrik and you're sleepy and it is what it is. What happens happens and right now there's nothing we can do. So let's go.

[00:01:29] Hi Sleepy. So there's a bunch of new Sleepys coming my way. And if you're new here, thank you for being here. Thank you for giving this a try. I am really nervous talking to you.

[00:01:50] That's the truth. I don't know my audience in this language. I am, well, I was about to say shy, but I'm not shy. I am scared, I guess. Scared of not working. Scared of not working out for you.

[00:02:12] Which is, which is, I know it's vain and stupid because I don't know you. But I really want you to like it. I really want you to like this weird, odd kind of podcast idea.

[00:02:32] So the general idea is that I am going to talk and you are going to just put my voice somewhere in the back of your mind. You don't have to actively listen to what I say, just drift away while I speak.

[00:02:51] And if you happen to enjoy some of the things I'm saying when, well, that's just good. But don't expect me to keep you entertained throughout the night. And don't expect me to try to bore you either because I'm not.

[00:03:12] And I don't prepare anything beforehand. I'm not writing stuff I'm going to talk about in advance. And my dialect, my accent is of the Swedish nature. And there are a bunch of you who has been following this experiment from the start.

[00:03:36] And if you're here, well, I guess you have to tolerate a backlash in terms of I'm going to spend some while of this episode talking about stuff that is already known to you.

[00:03:54] I started this podcast almost a year ago now. And my initial goal was to reach 1 million listeners within a year. It doesn't really seem like this goal is going to be obtained though.

[00:04:13] Because, well, the nature of reality is that dreams don't automatically come true. But with that said, I am so happy to be here doing this in English.

[00:04:30] As you may or may not know, I have been doing this for almost seven years now in Swedish. And that's my occupation. That's where my salary comes from. I make a living out of making this sleeping podcast in Swedish.

[00:04:52] And right now, this podcast is growing in the United Kingdom, which is amazing. So hi. Hi if you're from the United Kingdom. And hi if you're from the States. The United States, I mean. I have a bunch of sleepies over there as well.

[00:05:21] And Germany and India. Hi. And also Ukraine and Russia. Which is, I mean, that's a very poignant fact that there are listeners on both sides of the border, so to speak. In that war.

[00:05:43] And I can't even imagine the stuff that, I mean, people at war. I have never been to war, as most of us really, on planet Earth at this moment. We have never been to war. We can't really fathom what that's all about.

[00:06:12] And it's a humbling thing to think about. So thank you for being here. And yeah. Okay. So I'm not going to talk about stuff that automatically pleases you. I'm going to refer to you as sleepy. Some people don't like that. And some people find that very soothing. I can't please both of you, so I'm settling for calling you sleepy.

[00:06:40] And well, it is what it is. As I commonly say in this podcast. I hesitated for many years to do this in English. Because, yeah, as you can hear, I'm not a native English-speaking person. Although many of you say that my English is good, which is amazing.

[00:07:06] Most of the people that tell me my English is good, though, is from other countries that doesn't have English as their main language. So I don't know what that says. But, yeah. So I tried in the beginning to do this with AI. I tried to do this to clone my voice and to make it say stuff that I wanted it to say in perfect English. But it's not the technology. It doesn't work.

[00:07:36] It doesn't work in that kind of authentic, personal way that I want to deliver my, yeah, whatever type of message this is. So I don't, that didn't work. Although I gave it a few years trying. But that didn't work.

[00:07:56] So then I met this person who taught me that it's okay to do stuff in English, although you're Swedish. And I don't know why I hesitated for so long, because this is not the case for other languages.

[00:08:19] I think that perhaps French or German or Spanish. English is just, you know, even though you're good or bad at it, you can speak it and English speaking people find it exotic and interesting. If you speak English with a French accent, that's just, you know, cool and sexy and whatever.

[00:08:44] But for some reason, I, or Swedes in general, find their own dialects when speaking English embarrassing, humiliating, you know, because we sound dorky. I think, I think, I think we, we think of ourselves as, you know, that odd countryside cousin going into the big city.

[00:09:13] And I guess it's to be expected. I mean, we grow up with English speaking TV shows and music, movies and literature. And we learn that that language is the language of everything we look up to, everything we long for.

[00:09:40] So all our goals really are mainly carried by the English language. And that is power. Maybe you as an English speaking person don't realize that, but that is actually, I mean, real power.

[00:09:58] If you just knew the amount of shyness and humility that you cause among people when you travel to a foreign country and goes into a coffee shop and orders, you know, or asks for directions or information on any given matter whenever you're abroad.

[00:10:25] People want to sink through the ground because they feel so ashamed of that their English doesn't really work. At least here in Sweden. We want to try, we want to do it. We want to be cruel. We want to talk to you on your, on your, you know, terms, but we don't make it. And then we feel ashamed and we want to go jump off a bridge somewhere. And you're just there asking for directions.

[00:10:53] I mean, you are, don't get me wrong, but I mean, since you're the one asking and we're the one with total control over our environment and the know-hows of all directions and places and stops.

[00:11:07] We are the, really the cool ones, you know, but for some reason, whenever there's an American or an Englishman coming up to us and starts asking us questions in very self-confident English, we feel like we're taking up space that we shouldn't take up. You know, we feel ashamed. And I'm sorry, I know exactly where that ice cream kiosk is located. You just go that way. I'm sorry.

[00:11:41] And that's kind of what I'm feeling right now, Sleepy. Since I'm, in a way, I am taking a risk here because I'm advertising this podcast in both the US, Australia and Britain. I am taking a risk. You know, this could very well turn out to be crap.

[00:12:09] And then there's a lot of money for me just thrown out the window. And I'm not a big company. I don't have a board. I don't have, well, I have a board. It's me. I'm the board and I'm the CEO. And I'm also the, you know, I'm the cleaner as well. And I'm the, yeah, I have all the roles in my company.

[00:12:36] So there's not many people I can talk and strategize with regarding this. So I'm just sitting down and making decisions on a limb. I'm a hunch. And, yeah. So there you have me, Sleepy. But I really love doing this.

[00:13:04] I'm in my living room at the moment. And I've had a bad day, I guess. I would consider this a bad day. Nothing catastrophic, but it's a bad day.

[00:13:14] I feel, yeah, I feel like I'm from time to time frequenting some dark underground place within me that is, that leaves little room for hope and joy in a way.

[00:13:43] But, I mean, you don't have to worry. Maybe this is not a confession tape. Well, maybe it is. Maybe this is exactly what it is. A confession tape made by this random Swede in Stockholm, Sweden.

[00:14:05] Yeah, but my point was that I feel so happy and privileged that this is my job. Okay, so I don't make any money on this English version of my podcast, but I make a good living out of my Swedish version. Which gives me time and the privilege to try this. And that's amazing.

[00:14:33] That's truly just freaking amazing. And what happens when I sit down like this and just let my mind wander is that stuff that I didn't really think about before comes up and becomes tangible. Solid. But tangible. I can work with it. I can see it.

[00:15:01] I can experience it in a more practical way. And I don't know about you, Sleepy, but this is the case in my world. I am 99.9% just unknowingly going through stuff.

[00:15:23] There's so many things moving around in my subconscious that just shows itself in very fuzzy, symbolic, weird ways which I can't control or can't read. And most of the time I'm not even aware that it occurs within me.

[00:15:46] But what happens when I sit down and talk like this is that suddenly, yeah, I become tangible. You know, I can see structures within me that is, yeah, whatever they are at the moment. Because everything changes.

[00:16:10] Maybe that's the biggest mistake that we people do whenever we talk about more soft values in ourselves and in others. That we expect that someone or me or whomever are supposed to be one thing and stay that way throughout their lives.

[00:16:37] That's not true.

[00:17:08] It's, I guess, having a lot of senses of a lot of selves. And I am a million billion people. And that becomes more clear whenever I sit down and talk like this. So my name is Henrik. I am 49 years old.

[00:17:36] I live in Stockholm, Sweden. I am an actor. I am a writer. And nowadays I mostly do my podcast. My podcasts, plural. And I try to be like entertaining and such in my different social media venues. But that's not my main purpose.

[00:18:03] The thing is, I don't really know what my main purpose is. The older I get, the more confused I get. When I was younger, my only goal was to be a famous actor. And then I ended up in this kids show on television, which I hosted and also did a lot of other things for Swedish kids over more than 25 years. I've been doing that.

[00:18:32] And so there are now grown-ups that grew up with me on TV, which is cool. But that wasn't my goal initially. I wanted to be like this very classical version of a renowned actor in Sweden. I wanted to be steadily employed at one of the great theater houses in Stockholm. The Royal Dramatic Theater, for instance.

[00:19:03] And I did that for a while. But the common thing throughout all of that, the TV stuff and the theater stuff, was that I have always had the urge and the need to do things myself. To create stuff from my own fantasy and imagination and my urges, you know.

[00:19:33] I want to try things. I want to, and I got tired of waiting for other people to, I got tired waiting for other people to want to do the things that I want to do. Or give me permission or money to do what I want to do. So I decided to take things into my own hands and I started my own podcast. And I've been doing that since 2018.

[00:20:04] And I don't regret that. But I find it, it's kind of lonely because it's only me. And say what you want about having, you know, having to go to a job, a workplace where there's other people.

[00:20:27] And, you know, you have a boss and stuff dictating your tasks and your, yeah, whatever you're going to do. I mean, I can see why that is troublesome. I thought that myself when I was in that situation.

[00:20:53] But I missed the, that I didn't, I wasn't the whole structure. I mean, the amount of self-discipline it takes to, I mean, now I have a very tight production schedule, which I've decided just by myself. And now I'm in that. I'm stuck. I can't change that.

[00:21:22] So the number of decisions during a day where I have to tell myself to stop procrastinating and just go into work mode is like in the thousands. And I, I'm not complaining. Quite the opposite. I'm very grateful for having this job. But I miss the workplace.

[00:21:50] I wish the, I wish I could have like this small group around me that we all were, that we were doing the same thing. And, and maybe that it wasn't just all about me. I would still like to, to run my own business, but I would like me, I would like me to be several people. I would like to say good morning to someone, you know, I would like to be a good person.

[00:22:18] I would like to have a coffee in the afternoon and just talk, not talk shop for a while. Again, if you're getting, you know, all worked up and relating to what I'm telling you, I, I should remind you that I am not saying anything important. You can just let me go.

[00:22:49] It's okay. Sometimes I get the question, don't you find it offensive that most of your audience don't really listen to you? They just fall asleep to your voice. And the majority of your listeners, quote unquote listeners, don't know how your episodes develop after the first half hour.

[00:23:18] And I always answer, no. I've been doing so many things throughout my life as an actor and an author that is dependent on people listening to it, taking part of the whole message. And it's so hard to reach an audience.

[00:23:42] It's so hard to present something that, you know, resonates with everyone or, well, maybe not everyone, but a lot of people. And I'm not that guy. I'm not the guy that gathers like 250 million people by just saying stuff that they all think. I'm weird.

[00:24:12] I'm strange. I am, I am different people cooperating together within me. There are so many forces inside me that want different things like this kind of thing, for instance. I want this podcast to grow and reach an audience of millions of people. I want that.

[00:24:42] But at the same time, I want to be left alone. I don't want to try and make people like what I do. I don't want to, I don't even want to think about what other people think. But I do. You know? I want, I want to be celebrated and applauded.

[00:25:09] I want to be carried throughout life like a celebrity diva. But I want to live in a little cabin in the woods. And I don't want to meet people at all.

[00:25:27] And I want to meditate and sleep and eat and fantasize and go down to the lake and look at the water. And I want to be comforted. I want someone to carry me from time to time. That's a very unmanly thing to say of a man, don't you think?

[00:25:58] My whole life, I have felt like not a man. Because I express stuff that isn't manly to express. Like for instance, today I'm sad. You can't be sad. You know? You can be angry. You can be happy.

[00:26:26] And you can be like irritated and stuff. But you can't be sad. Sadness is weakness. And don't get me wrong. I am a man. Man. I am a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a straight white man. And I'm middle-aged as well.

[00:26:54] I mean, I know what I am. There's no doubt. But I've always felt, among other men, I've always felt like not a man. Because I'm scared all the time. And I'm sad. I'm often sad. And it's not a big deal.

[00:27:22] And I often envy women in my world who can be sad and talk with their friends about it, you know. And then it's fine. Or it's not. Just talk about your day and your feelings and stuff. And I don't really have another man to do that with.

[00:27:52] When I do this, when I talk about what makes me sad, for instance, there's always women that listen to that. Mostly because I only talk to women about this stuff. I have men. I have men friends. Friends. I have friends that are men. But I talk to them about other stuff. And I love them. I really do. I really love them.

[00:28:22] I have like three or four very close men friends in my life. But we talk about almost exclusively stuff that makes us inspired or happy or irritated.

[00:28:46] And we take up an unproportionate chunk of our common time talking about how stuff work. We're trying to map the world around us together in a way. How does that really work? How come this happens? You know. And I mean, I love this as well. This is a great way of talking.

[00:29:14] I really feel inspired whenever I had a coffee the other week with my friend Marcus. And he's, of course, this great visionary man. But we very seldom talk about, I very seldom talk about what makes me sad or scared in a true and genuine way.

[00:29:44] It takes a woman for me to have that conversation. But I do. I talk about this. And I talk about this in my material, in my podcasts and stuff.

[00:30:02] And I don't know about other countries, but in Sweden, it's sometimes I get emails and stuff from other men that tells me that it's liberating to listen to me because I talk about what they think.

[00:30:25] But more often I get emails from other men telling me that, why are you making weakness something beautiful? Why do you even seem proud about being weak and fragile? Don't you want to teach young boys to be strong?

[00:30:49] And I, yeah, well, I don't think I can. I don't think I can teach young boys how to be strong by not talking about my weakness. I don't see how that would even work.

[00:31:18] But I guess it depends on the teacher, you know. I can't be anything that I'm not. And I am weak. And I am scared. And I am fragile. And I'm lost, sleepy. I am. I don't know what I'm doing most of the time.

[00:31:44] I'm going through life, feeling my way around, you know. Sometimes I feel like I'm blindfolded and just are in this strange foreign room.

[00:32:01] And it's filled with obstacles and sharp corners and moving objects and pebbles on the floor. And knives laying around, randomly placed. And my job is to feel my way around that room and make it to the other end unharmed.

[00:32:31] Which is almost impossible, in my opinion. You can't get through life unless you get really messed up at some point.

[00:32:44] But, so, there was this, I mean, right now, okay, so let me just give you a, what do you call it? A snapshot of my inner room right now.

[00:33:16] So, there is this group, this Swedish Facebook group, around my Swedish version of this podcast, Somna med Henrik.

[00:33:29] And in this group, lately, there has been people expressing views and opinions that other people in the group don't share. And then conflicts arise. And people say mean stuff to each other.

[00:33:55] And they go out on their other way to make each other feel stupid and ridiculous. And I guess it's a, it's a, I don't think this is unique for my Swedish group of people. I mean, they are, as far as I'm concerned, a bunch of beautiful, wonderful people.

[00:34:25] But I'm wondering where this comes from, because this hasn't been the case. This angry way of treating each other from like the first comment. Why do you want other people to feel bad? Why? Why?

[00:34:47] So, today there was this conflict slowly beginning to take form. Someone saying something mean about another person that's not there to defend itself, themselves. And then other people going into that, to their defense.

[00:35:15] And there are people who, you know, just very clearly says what they think. And that's, of course, fine. But then there's other people that, yeah, they cross a line. And I don't really know where the line is. But they become mean, you know.

[00:35:34] And I'm the only, there is another admin, but I don't really, I am really the, I really am the one responsible for this group. And I'm, I can't help being overwhelmed by emotion.

[00:35:56] I feel sad that under my roof, so to speak, there are this mean streak. I don't, I don't get it. Why? Why do we feel the urge to try and make other people feel bad? I just don't understand why.

[00:36:24] I mean, I've been doing this when, I remember when I was, I just. I just finished acting school. This was in 1998. And internet was kind of new. It wasn't new, new, but it was kind of new. And I was, I was unemployed.

[00:36:48] So almost everyone in my class got jobs working as actors. But I went straight into unemployment. And I worked one summer for my dad, who's a librarian. And I worked at the library because he was, well, I guess he was off. He had a vacation or something.

[00:37:13] And I, before the library opened, I sat in front of the computer and I visited the very few homepages that were active at the time. And there was this TV show that had a comment board on its webpage. And I felt like this TV show was, well, it was not my cup of tea.

[00:37:41] So I remember I went in there and I, and at that point you were totally anonymous. You could just make up any name. You didn't have to register. You didn't have to do anything. So I was totally safe. And I, safe in that way that I didn't have to share with, share who I was, my identity.

[00:38:02] And so I went in, I went on the comment board, comment section, and I just wrote that this TV show is just an example of how a TV is slowly dying or something. I don't know. And afterwards, I guess I felt good because I really felt that my opinion mattered. And I didn't get any comments back.

[00:38:28] No one really, because there wasn't a system where you could be notified if someone answered your comments or anything. You couldn't mention, you know, at someone, you can at someone. So I don't know if anyone ever saw my comment. Again, this was in the early days of internet and there was not a lot of comments at all. I felt good afterwards.

[00:38:57] But when I look back at it today, of course, it becomes very clear why I did this. I was sad, overwhelmingly sad that I didn't get a job as an actor and had to do this boring job at the library working for my dad.

[00:39:19] And I was sad and envious and bitter and scared. And maybe a lot of us are scared right now. Maybe that's why I notice a change in the tone of this group.

[00:39:45] If you're Swedish and you're listening to this, then you probably know about the group. And I really want to emphasize this, that I don't want anyone to write anything in this group and saying, we all need to blah, blah, blah, blah, or stop doing blah, blah, blah. You can write whatever you want. You can think whatever you want. I'm not trying to suppress stuff. I don't want to. It's just an observation.

[00:40:16] That lately there's been a few of these mean streak comments that I don't understand why they just pop up. Why this anger? Why are we so angry at each other? We are all we have. You know? And that's not a cliche. That's fact.

[00:40:48] So regardless of your contra my views upon important stuff in life, pro this, against that, regardless of our differences, we're here at the same time and we truly need each other. I mean, for real. We really need each other. I need you, sleepy. And I need you to be well.

[00:41:18] I need you to love and be loved. I need you to, you know, show me that you're here. I need you to reach out, not just to me, but to people around you. Mainly people around you. With me, there's not a lot you can do, really. I mean,

[00:41:49] unless you live, like, if you were in my world, yeah, I don't know. I tend to drown in this preaching things from time to time. But yeah, it was a snapshot. Can you say snapshot? Yeah. Yeah. An example of what I'm

[00:42:19] dealing with right now. It really strikes me as a punch in the face sometimes when people, humans, you know, argue over stuff that's, I mean, what is the point? What is the point? There are arguments

[00:42:49] and then there's arguments, you know. Stupid, unimportant. Sorry, my voice just crackled. I'm sorry. I guess I'm emotional because I, my voice just totally left me. And sometimes I get messages from people saying that they hear hidden words and stuff in my episodes.

[00:43:18] And I'm, let me tell you this straight up that I'd never do that. That would be cruel, I think, to in a way take advantage of people in a very fragile state falling asleep. That would be cruel of me to just sneak in extra hidden words here and there. But sometimes

[00:43:48] people hear them anyway. I guess it's because when you fall asleep you tend to, your brain tend to do whatever it wants in a way. but so if you heard another person talking just now just be notified that that was actually me although my voice just yeah I tried to suffocate a cough

[00:44:18] but yeah it didn't work out as I wanted it as I wanted it to. thank you for all the letters that you write I mean emails you can find me on like everywhere just send an email or a DM it's so nice to hear from you I am

[00:44:48] still learning how different people from different places in the world listen to this podcast it's different some people listen to it like on their commute or when they yeah when they are traveling or are bored or in a woke in a wake awakened state you know and yet another group are using it to fall asleep and

[00:45:17] both is okay I'm really glad that that you write and reach out to me I had a dream last night well I it's about a lighthouse and I'm inside it at the top in this

[00:45:46] small circular room with this great what do you call it lamp at its center turning sending a light beam out across the dark water and there's this mechanism that quiet click

[00:46:15] as it rotates and the lamp goes hum like this humming sound and outside there's a sound of waves breaking against the rocks below and the wind that fierce wind that's sometimes gentle as well but always there a constant companion I

[00:46:48] sometimes I fantasize about what's the oldest sound on earth and I always almost always end up right at the shore like the sound of breaking waves must be one of the oldest sounds on earth the sound of breaking waves have been ever present

[00:47:17] at some place on earth for billions of years and that's magical to think I mean if you live by the ocean sleepy good on you it's beautiful it's a beautiful sound and truly an ancient sound but then as I was speaking about this just now I thought that maybe the sound

[00:47:47] of wind is older is even older because wind must have been ever present even before water came to our planet it must have been the sound of wind howling through and over and past surfaces must have been there for ages and ages and ages

[00:48:16] maybe even at the very earliest moments well as soon as we got an atmosphere in the dream I am the keeper of the lighthouse the lighthouse keeper watching for what I'm not sure ships perhaps

[00:48:46] or something else something I can't quite name so I stand by the window looking out the darkness and I can hardly see the boundary where the sky meets the sea and sometimes in the distance I see a light

[00:49:15] a small flickering light that isn't a star that isn't a ship that isn't anything I can identify really it's just a light calling to me or perhaps trying to have a conversation with me responding to my light like a conversation of sorts it's cool to think about

[00:49:45] a lighthouse as a sort of a neutron star a neutron star is really a beacon a lighthouse in a way because the light in a lighthouse rotates and so does a neutron star and that is why you can measure the flicker of a neutron star and have an observation about the speed of rotation

[00:50:16] I've never told anyone about this dream before not fully not all the details but I'm telling you now sleepy at the very end of this episode there are 10 more minutes to go I wonder what I'm going to fill it with initially in this episode I had I was kind of feeling low self esteem

[00:50:46] low self confidence no self confidence really I really felt bad bad for you having to listen to this but then I realized you probably don't even do that you probably don't even subscribe you probably don't even listen and when you think about that when you think about that you just sit here in

[00:51:16] your sofa speaking to no one that that's not a good thought sleepy that's not a good way of presenting yourself to yourself let me introduce to you this futile vain little man that sits in his sofa thinking he's important enough for people around the world to pay attention to whatever he has to say his name is henrik nice to

[00:51:45] meet you henrik oh i'm sorry sorry for introducing myself to myself i'm so futile and unimportant yes i know i can see that henrik you really are and it's just that beneath all this i know i am lovable let me just point that out i know i am a person

[00:52:14] worthy of love and appreciation and i know i have my good qualities and stuff but beneath all my low self-esteem and my sometimes it's a conviction that i don't really have it you know i don't i don't suffice i'm not enough sometimes that is a knowledge within me that i i can't seem to change

[00:52:44] but beneath that i know i have this deep feeling that you and i sleepy we can connect i have this very deep feeling that i know that given time and space i can reach you i know that i feel it and i feel it in a very deep place within me and i just can't say no to that i can't

[00:53:13] i can't say no to something that feels very right that's the case i'm telling you about my life house my life house my lighthouse now

[00:53:44] as you perhaps drifting off to sleep as you hover in that space between waking and dreaming between here and there between now and then to in the hope that maybe you will visit my lighthouse tonight maybe you'll see what i see from this lonely place that is a lighthouse

[00:54:15] where the light turns and turns and turns i saw my first light house when i was a child i was maybe seven or eight we were on my my my grandparents my mother's parents and i were on a vacation we were at this island in

[00:54:45] sweden called öland which really means island land and somewhere along the coast i don't remember exactly where but there was this lighthouse standing tall on this rocky shore white against the blue sky

[00:55:14] and we climbed the stairs and there were so many stairs spiraling up and up and up and my legs were tired but i was a child i couldn't just stop i wanted to see what it was like from up there and i had also read there's there's this finnish author called tove jansson she she writes

[00:55:43] a whole bunch about lighthouses in her books they are a returning theme and i guess i wanted to see if the lighthouse here on irland was was if i could describe it in the same way that same way that tove jansson describes the lighthouses in her books but when we reached the top i pressed my face against the glass and i looked out

[00:56:14] at the vast expanse of water and it wasn't like in the books it was kind of scary i felt something something that i couldn't name then a feeling of vastness is that a word vastness and i felt quite unsafe safe standing there

[00:56:44] in that solid tower but still in the hands of this vastness and i asked my granddad if does someone live here because i i mean the lighthouse keeper i did read about that but he explained that modern lighthouses are automatic automated

[00:57:13] and that there there is no such thing as a lighthouse keeper anymore and i felt so sad sad that sad for the lighthouse to be so alone to have no one to keep it company during those long stormy nights and i think that's when my lifelong dream

[00:57:43] began though i didn't really it didn't really manifest until years later when i was like maybe 20 24 i started to fantasize about me in this lonely lighthouse or maybe i even am the lighthouse

[00:58:14] i'm just here on my shore looking waiting and you can see me can't you i'm flickering my light at you from time to time over the dark vastness that is the sea and the wind that moves barely touches the waves

[00:58:45] like a cold glove laying on top of the surface of the sea i'm really ever so grateful sleepy that you're here with me although at this very particular moment i am alone this episode won't be released for another

[00:59:16] day but when you listen to it it's now okay so if you've been a new sleepy thank you and congratulations on managing to listen to a whole episode if you're asleep then that that's easy but if you're awake well thank you for being here anyway

[00:59:46] thank you for putting up with me although i just talk the mean streak we can live without that right we're we're living in a scary time but we really need each other i can't see how we're supposed

[01:00:16] to make this if we don't have each other if we don't help each other out and that means helping everybody out not just the people that think just as we do we need to help everybody and the first step in helping anybody is to not making them feel stupid insignificant or like they don't matter

[01:00:49] and to be open to the notion that you yourself can be wrong and that maybe other people also go through stuff and happen to have answers and that they are worthy of your love and your respect you