Wolf Shield’s Daughter

[00:00:00] Hi Sleepy, just a very quick note before we start today's episode. Do you want to listen to this podcast without the ads? Then you absolutely can. Just subscribe to Fall Asleep with Henrik Plus and to do so you can just click the link in the podcast description and it'll be fixed. See you there.

[00:00:24] Hi and welcome to Fall Asleep with Henrik. I'm Henrik and you're sleepy and it is what it is. What happens happens. And right now there's nothing we can do. So let's go.

[00:00:45] Hi Sleepy. Hi and welcome to this humble presentation. I am Henrik. Surname Stål, which means steel in Swedish.

[00:01:04] And well, I guess it's an old soldier's surname. Back in the 1700s, the king used to give out military names for people serving in the army.

[00:01:27] And in return from serving in the army, they got this little piece of land and a little house where they could live and farm and take care of themselves and their families.

[00:01:45] And if and there always were war, then in return from having been given this piece of land, the guy, because it was always a guy, needed to go to war.

[00:02:07] And that was, of course, it's a big price to pay for turnips and a goat. Imagine going to war today. You get drafted, you know, someone shows up at your door and say that you've been drafted. You're going to this address tomorrow and you're going to have military training and then you're going to war.

[00:02:37] Maybe in a foreign country, you're going to have military training and then you're going to have military training and then you're going to war.

[00:03:09] You're going to have military training and then you're going to war. But, well, overall, there will be turnips and one goat. So what do you say? Well, you don't really have a say in a matter. You just come along now. So that's why my name is Steel.

[00:03:29] I guess some of one of my forefathers were a soldier and. And I know nothing of him. I actually have. A bit of. Research done. On my father's side of the family.

[00:03:57] In Sweden, if you're lucky, I mean, lucky in a research perspective. You have nobility in your family. And the good thing with noble people is that they keep track of all their relatives. So then you can go really far back in history.

[00:04:19] And for me, it's like early 1800s, I think, that my noble lions died out. One of my foremothers married a commoner and she died at this. I don't know what you call it, but in Swedish it's called fatig hus. It's a house where poor people get taken care of, I guess.

[00:04:49] So she married a commoner and she died with nothing. And I believe I haven't gotten this in. I don't have any proof that this is the case, but I believe that my family felt that this was a shame, an embarrassment, because I've never learned of this until I did the research.

[00:05:14] So she died in, I think, late 1800s or early 1900s in this very poor and shelterless situation.

[00:05:39] And from then on, my family has this very common set of names. Of course, it varies throughout the lines. But I can trace my origin back to the Middle Ages. And that's fascinating. Of course, I can't be sure about it. I'm not a professional researcher into this type of material.

[00:06:09] But I've followed my lineage back to early Middle Ages in Norway. And there are kings and queens and other nobility. And now I don't want you to rush off yelling from the top of the church shower in your particular county that

[00:06:37] Henrik is just bragging about his noble lineage in this podcast. I just want you to know that, first of all, you don't have to listen to what I say in this podcast. It's meant for you to fall asleep too. So you can just think of me as a friend who stays over and just won't shut up, you know? And it's a charming friend that you like.

[00:07:08] So you don't try to suffocate him with a pillow. You just let him have at it. And second of all, I'm glad that I have nobility in my family. Not because they're nobility per se, but because I can trace the lineage. Because with ordinary, quote unquote, ordinary people, it's harder to do that.

[00:07:38] Because, well, I don't know. Maybe the church didn't pay as much attention to whomever came first or second or whatever. But there are questions in my lineage. Back in early medieval times, there's this Norwegian king called King Håkon Långlegs. And I don't know anything about him. And he had a few sons.

[00:08:06] And from one of these sons is my lineage. And I've read somewhere that this son is... We don't really know whether or not he existed. In real life. And that's, I guess, one of the main things that's necessary in order to claim relationship with anyone. Is that that person is...

[00:08:36] Well, existent. It's hard to claim... I direct lineage with someone who didn't really exist other than in myths and stories. The family that... The family that... The family... The noble family name that is closest to my own...

[00:09:03] My own common name... Is Hjelmsäter. Ros of Hjelmsäter. And... No, no. Actually, the latest noble family name in my family... The... In time, I mean, closest to me... Is Ulfskjöld. Wolf shield in direct translation.

[00:09:34] And... That family... It was one of the wolf shields that died on this poor, poor people house. So... I'm not saying that she died, you know, of unnatural causes. I guess she was old or something. So they didn't just put her in there and murder her if that's what you're... If that's what you're implying, Sleepy. In your mind.

[00:10:04] I don't know anything about her. And I... I... I must... Confess that I don't... I'm not an expert in this. I've thought about it sometimes to just really... Pick up... You know, and to hire a real expert because there are a lot of them. And to just find out whether or not this guy, this...

[00:10:32] This man... I don't remember his name at this moment. If he really existed or not. So... So... He... That guy became... Ros... Rose... Of... Helmet... Field. That's... A rough translation of the name. Ros... Of... Hjelmsäter. So... Ros is rose. Of... Is of.

[00:11:03] And... Hjelmsäter is... Hjelm means... Helmet. Hjelmsäter. And... Zäte is an old name for a field or a meadow. A place where... You can go and... Feed your crop. Your... Not your crops. Your... Your... Your goats and cows and sheep or whatever. So... Rose... Of...

[00:11:32] Helmet... Field. That guy... Became... Rose of Helmetfield. And then... The nobility married each other for hundreds of years. And then... All of a sudden there's this family called Wolfshield. And... Then one of the Wolfshield daughters marries this normal, average dude. Because of love, I guess.

[00:12:02] Love... That wasn't really permitted. I'm just fantasizing now. I don't know. I don't know anything about them. But he... I... I... I... I imagine that there must have been love. Because why else would she marry someone beneath her? Beneath her in standing. And...

[00:12:31] If that's the case, then I... I think it's beautiful. And... Sometimes I think about them. And... I think about... The hundreds of years of marrying within like... Four or five different families for... Generations. And then all of a sudden there's this commoner. And... If that love hadn't been... If that...

[00:12:59] If that relationship had been suffocated... Then... I wouldn't be here. And these are people that I don't know. I don't know anything about them or their lives. But I'm... Very fascinated. Very fascinated by the people that came before me. Especially... The direct lineages. I think they are so fascinating.

[00:13:29] I mean my father's father's father's father's father's father's dad. And... And... My mother's grandmother's grandmother's... Mother. And so on. Because... There has been people... With that... Title. You know? My mother's mother's grandmother's... Mother's mother. That's a person. That's a living human being... Once upon a time.

[00:14:00] And she didn't know about me. She didn't know about my mom. Or even my grandmother. I actually met my... Grandmother's grandmother. Back when I was a kid. There was this old lady... Who used to show up at family... Gatherings. And she was tall... With white hair... In a knot.

[00:14:30] In... On the back of the head. And old... Weirdly patterned... Dresses. And she had a deep... Voice. With a very specific... Old... Dala Kalian dialect. And... Everyone... Behaved like... She was royalty. And that was my... Grandmother's...

[00:14:59] Grandmother. My grandmother... My grandmother... I mean... My mother's mother... My mother's name is... Anneli. My... Grandmother's name is... Märta. Marta. But with an... Ä... Instead of an A. So... Märta. Märta's mother's name... Was... Greta. And... Greta's mother's name... Was Esther. So...

[00:15:28] It's Esther. Esther. I'm talking about... So Esther... Showed up... And... She died... When I was... Seven... Years old. So I have clear... Vivid memories of her... In a way. But in another way... She's almost like... A dream. I... Sometimes feel like... I've dreamt her.

[00:15:59] She's almost... Not real. Although I know that she's real. I've seen myself... On pictures with her. And... Her... Daughter and her daughter's daughter... And her... Grandchild. I was her... Grandchild. Oh my god. So... My... My grandma... Was her... Granddaughter. And... Oh... What do you call that?

[00:16:29] So my mom... Was... Her granddaughter's daughter. And... I was... Her granddaughter's daughter's son. That's amazing. I mean... Imagine... Imagine... At that time... I don't think... When she had children... Of her own. Esther. At that time... I guess it was a common thing... To give birth... Quite young.

[00:16:59] You had to start in time... To... To... You know... Make enough children... So that... Statistically... At least... One or two of them... Would survive... Inf... Infantry... Or what do you call it? Infant... The infant years... Not the infantry... That's something else... Isn't it? So... Infancy... Yeah... Well...

[00:17:28] You could argue that... Surviving the infantry... Is also... Somewhat difficult... Depending on which side... Of the war you're on... But... I'm talking about infancy... So... In those days... And... For the majority of... Human development... The age... Five... Is like this... Very emotionally... Charged...

[00:17:56] Number... Because... Before the age of five... Most children died... And... It's hard... To think about that today... When most children actually live... Far beyond that age... And... They die... When they're not... Children anymore... Which is... I would argue... A very good thing... It's hard to...

[00:18:26] To imagine... A world where... If you're having a child... Then... The odds... Are really against you... Seeing that child... Grow up... Into a teenager... And... I mean... I don't believe that people in the old days... Thought less of their children... Or loved their children... Less... I believe...

[00:18:54] That type of pain would have been... As... Crushing... Then... As it is now... I imagine... Anyway... So... I don't think that... She's... By any means... An unconventional... Or uncommon... Woman... But... What is unconventional... Or... And... Uncommon... Is that I actually remember... This old lady...

[00:19:23] Born in a different century than I... She was born in... I think... The 1880s... Or 90s... I'm not sure... The striking thing with Esther... Was that she was so tall... Because in my family... We were all very short... She was a tall woman... She walked by... With a cane... And she moved very slowly... And...

[00:19:53] Had great dignity... And I remember her... Being dressed as a typical... Woman in the 60s... I'm born in the 70s... So... It's like a decade... Between the fashion... And my actual birth... But... Whenever I see her on old... Tapes or... Films... I see this... 60s... Woman...

[00:20:23] You know... With swirly... Almost... Hypnotic patterns... In orange... And green... And yellow... And brown... So I guess... The 60s for her... Was... The year when she stopped... Caring about what to wear... I guess... I'm looking at myself... Sometimes... And I think... Have I stopped... Caring about what... I wear? I'm...

[00:20:52] I'm 50 this year... In July... I turn 50... And sometimes... I think... Maybe this is the... Time in life... Where I just stop... Trying to adapt... To what the world is telling me... What to wear... And how to look... When I look at older guys... When I look at men... In their 70s... I see that... Most of them... Dress the way they... Dressed when they were...

[00:21:21] 50 or 40... And some of them... When they were teenagers... You know... It's a... It's a shocking thing... To meet an old man... Looking like a boy... In the 1950s... With his old... Rockabilly hairstyle... And... You know... The jacket... And the jeans... And... A comb in the back pocket... It's beautiful in a way... Because...

[00:21:50] And also in another way... It's sad... So... On my mother's side... I've met... A lot of... Older relatives... And... But then... I don't know... Anything... More... About her side of the family... Because... Well... They're not nobility... So it's not that easy... I'm not saying... It's impossible... It's just...

[00:22:19] My dad's side of the family... Has been giving me... A lot of information... For free... Just because... It's not hard... To find information... About the dad... Of some nobleman... You know... But in my mother's case... It's... Ordinary folks... Low commoners... People... My... Grandmother's... Grandmother Esther... She...

[00:22:49] Made dresses... For rich kids... And rich... Women... That's how she made a living... In the early days... She had... I think... Eight... Children... Or something like that... And... Actually... A few of them... Lived... To be very old... I have memories... From when I was... Very little... Parties at my grandma's place... And...

[00:23:18] There was this... Old man... I remember two of Esther's... Children... I don't remember the name of this old man... But he was one of the... The elder sons... And I remember him... Being like... Also very tall... And... All wrinkled... With hands like... Huge... Very wrinkled... Torn hands... And...

[00:23:48] White... Wavy hair... Thin... And there's this stillness... Of these really old people... Really impressive... And... Dignified... Moving slowly... Talking... Deeply... Sitting... Holding their canes... As... Proofs of rulership... You know...

[00:24:17] Kings and queens... In old age... Sitting at the center of the table... Not in the center of the table... In the center at the table... I would say... And... Watching... You know... Observing... That's so... Really so dignified... I think... To see... Someone that... Well... First of all... Of course... Too old to do all these...

[00:24:46] Shenanigans... That the older... That the younger generations... Are up to... But also... Sort of... You don't need to do anything... Really... People serve you stuff... People talk to you... And make sure that you understand... And listen... And that... First of all... That you can hear... Probably what's been said... They honor you... You know... I remember this... Feeling of... The younger people... Around the table... Honoring these...

[00:25:16] Old men... And women... So this... Man... Esther's... One of Esther's... Elder's sons... I... Don't remember his name... I remember him... Having huge hands... And... I remember him being... Very wrinkled... And... That it was fascinating... As a... As a young child... To... Look at these... Faces that were so... Different from your own...

[00:25:45] And then there was this... There was this... Younger sister... I mean... Not younger in my... World... But... She was the little sister... Of this guy... This old man... One of Esther's daughters... And her... I actually remember her... From... Way up in... My own life... My own age... Because she died... When I was like... I don't know... 15 or 16...

[00:26:14] Or something... And her name was... Blenda... Blenda... And... She was... Actually... Visiting us... From time to time... My... Grandmother... When she was... A child... My... Grandmother's... Mother... Greta... She met a new guy... And this guy...

[00:26:44] He was a policeman... And... So no one could tell him... What to do... I guess he... That's the... You know... If you're... If you're going to... Idolize... A different time period... You could also think about... All the mishaps and... You know... Unjustices... That... Just went... Unwatched... That... Policeman... He...

[00:27:13] He... Were very cruel... To my... Grandma... In all sorts of... Specific ways... Of which I've... I haven't been told... The extent of it all... But... They couldn't tell him to stop... Because he was the policeman... You know... So instead... They sent my grandmother away... Imagine doing that... To your own child... Instead of... Divorcing...

[00:27:43] Or leaving... Your man... If he... You know... Does something to your child... That's unforgivable... You just... Let it... Keep on... Being... Instead you just... Send your daughter away... And... Well... It's easy for me... To sit here... In my old... Comfort zone... And... In... And... I...

[00:28:12] I didn't live... Back then... I don't know... If... It would have been easy for her to just... Take... You know... Divorce him... Then I guess she would... But she couldn't... So she sent... My grandmother away... To live with her grandmother... So my grandmother is actually... Raised... In a way... By her grandmother... And that's... What I know really about... The people that came before me...

[00:28:42] On my mother's side... I have actually seen a... Photo... Of Esther's... Mom... It's an old... Wrinkled woman... Sitting on stairs of some house... And... She's dressed like this... Typical... Former woman... In the middle... Mid... Eighteen hundreds... Early 1800s... I don't know... It's a very...

[00:29:13] Smudgy... Fuzzy photograph... And you can't really know... What she was like... Or anything... She looks stern... She looks... And I don't... I don't remember her name... I'm sorry... At this very moment... I don't remember... Anyway... So on my dad's side... I... Have a lot of knowledge... Of... Those who came before me... But I don't really know... Anything about them... From a personal...

[00:29:44] Standpoint... Because I've never met them... In the way that I've met... My mother's... Older relatives... My dad is... Actually... The only child... And my granddad... His father... Bror Erik... Which really... Translates to... Brother Erik... That was actually his name... Brother is... Is a Swedish name... Bror... So... Brother Erik... He wasn't very...

[00:30:14] Keen on kids... And he left my... My dad... And... His mother... When dad... Was just... Like five or something... Four or five years old... And... So I've only met him... Well... I have... Images that say... That I've met him twice... But... I don't remember the first time... Because I was a baby... So... I've only met him... Once... When I was... Like...

[00:30:42] 10 or 11 years old... And I have two memories of him... From meeting him... He and my dad had very... Little contact... He just... Took his... Belongings... And he left one day... When my dad was a child... And he... He regretted that... At old age... We found... Diary entries... From his... Last years in life... In the 80s...

[00:31:10] And he regrets... Leaving his... Wife and child... The forgotten son... He calls his boy... My dad... In his last... Diary entry... Yeah... Don't do that... If you're... Standing in... You know... If you're... If you're... Thinking about...

[00:31:40] Leaving your child... You know... Don't do that... Just don't... You know... Because it's... It's gonna come back... To haunt you... If not for the child... So for your own sake... Then just... You know... Find a way... To make it work... You don't have to... You don't have to stay... In that same relationship... With the one you made the child with... You know... You can... You can separate...

[00:32:09] You can live your separate lives... You can do whatever... But... Never... Never leave your child... I know that's a very... Apparent thing to say... Apparent thing to say for a parent... And a parent-parent thing... But don't do that... When I was a kid...

[00:32:37] When my friend's parents got divorced... Because they did... Quite frequently... As I remember it... Then the dad was like... You know... He was just removed from the equation... And the kids got to meet him... Like once a week... Or... Every other weekend... Or something... And I... I don't... Well... I'm separated... And I see my daughter...

[00:33:07] And... Like... I have one week... Without her... And I have one week with her... And the weeks that I don't have her... I feel... Like what's even the purpose of my life? Maybe... Maybe the first few... Days... Like... The first one or two days... I feel free in a way... Because I don't need to... Pay any attention to her schedule... And... Her habits... And her needs...

[00:33:37] And her needs... And... Yeah... I can't imagine doing what my grandfather did... I... I just... I just don't understand... Because he just left them... You know... And my dad... He... Went to visit his grand... His... His dad from time to time...

[00:34:07] And... But... It was never... Like... He was... Welcome... Or... And my grandmother... I... I mean... My... My dad's mom... I... I think she did... Everything she could to keep... His dad away from him... I... I think... As... It has been... I've been told that she was very... Vengeful... And bitter... Up until the very end... That she...

[00:34:36] She really despised... He... My dad's dad... For what he did... As you would... I guess... They were very old... For the time... Very old... When they got my dad... They were... 40 and above... My grandma was 40... When she gave birth to my dad... And that... Of course... Were... Kind of weird... For that time... You know... To be so old... To get a child...

[00:35:05] Today it's not... A very uncommon thing... But... And of course... My dad's mom... Susan... She... She... She were a part of my life... But she died when I was... Six... Seven years old... Maybe... And... So I never really got... To know her... She died... At the same year... As...

[00:35:35] My grandma's grandma... On my mother's side... Esther... And... There were like... There were like... 30 years... In between them... So my... My dad's mom... Susan... She was born in... The early 1900s... I think... 1907... I think... Yeah... It must have been 1907... Because my dad is born... 1947...

[00:36:06] So she was... 40 when she gave birth... But above them... I've seen pictures... Of their... My... My grandma's parents... And my granddad's parents... On my father's side... But I don't know anything... About them... I haven't... Had them touch me... Sing to me... Tell me stuff... You know...

[00:36:37] And... So it's... My mom always complains... That I talk so much... About the family... On my dad's side... But... It's not true... I actually talk so much... In my productions... And in everyday life... About... The people on my mother's side... Except... It's not in a... Family lineage... Research... Context... That I'm speaking about them... I'm talking about the women... Especially the women...

[00:37:06] On my mother's side... That came before her... With... You know... Affection... Because I knew them... I really loved my... My... My grandma... My mother's mother... Merta... I really loved her... It's a... Freaking shame that... They have to die... Don't you think... I mean... It's so... It's so...

[00:37:38] I was about to say... Stupid... And I guess... It is in a way... Because... As you grow older... As a person... You tend to long more... For information of... Those who came before you... I mean... I would love to ask her... About stuff... What was it like... To be a parent... In the early 1950s... What was it like to...

[00:38:07] Divorce your... Spouse... She divorced my... Grandfather when... My mom was like... Four or five years old... Him... I never met him... My real grandfather... My real grandfather... Instead... I grew up with... Her... Other husband... Olle... So... Olle is really... In all matters of the word... My... Real grandfather... Except for...

[00:38:37] You know... The biology of it... So... Henry was the name of my... Real... In quote unquote... Grandfather... And he disappeared... As all men... I... I don't... Well... I've been told that he really... Felt robbed... Of his children... He had two... With my grandma...

[00:39:06] And... He misbehaved... And... I think that the family... My grandmother's family... Did the best they could... To keep him away... From the children... He was... An addict... He was an alcoholic... And... As... The story... The stories go... He was... Yeah... He was... He was drinking... Very heavily... In periods... Of time... And...

[00:39:37] Then he promised... He would get sober... And then he just... Fell into darkness again... And he just drank... And... That he couldn't... Take care of... Take care of himself... That's... What they have... Told me... But... I know... For a fact... That he was sad... And bitter... Until the very end... That he had... His children... Taken away from him... And I'm... I don't know... The facts... But I think that...

[00:40:07] Growing up... You know... At least you... Should be given a choice... Whether or not... To have contact with your dad... I don't know... Whether or not my... My mom and her sister... Yeah... I know that they... Reconnected with him... Just before he died... I just don't know... What was said... And...

[00:40:39] If... If it was an okay... Reunion... Or anything... I mean... Living without... Your biological father... For... 40 years of your life... The first 40 years of your life... I guess... Takes it tall... In terms of... Connection... But I really loved... My grandma... And I liked her... Her mom... As well... Greta... She was... Um... Very...

[00:41:08] Very fond of my... Blonde... Wavy hair... She... She... Always wanted to... You know... Smell it... When I was... A kid... And it tickled... Because she... Smelled my neck... And... I... In the beginning... I thought... It was funny... But then... As I grew older... And I was...

[00:41:37] I was 18 when she died... So... As a teenager... I can't imagine... Having a ball... With... She... Her... Smelling my neck... That's the case with old people... I guess... They see you as a child... No matter how old you get... My grandma... She always... Wanted a kiss... When I was... Like a teenager... And stuff... Because to her... I was like a baby... And I was like...

[00:42:06] I can't... I can't... Like... I don't kiss anyone... I'm... I'm 14... You know... I mean... To... To her... I was... I was the baby... You know... And all my siblings as well... I miss her... So much... It's... There's so many things... I want to ask her... Right now...

[00:42:36] You know... It's a shame that... She never got to meet my daughter... It's a shame that she... She died just before... You know... She would have a blast... On social media... She would have loved that... She would... You know... Write... Stuff and keep in touch with... All her friends... And she had a lot of friends... And...

[00:43:06] They did... Trips together... And they had friends... Fun together... And they... Drank and smoked... And danced together... It was... They were really like... You know... The... Yeah... If my parents' generation... Are the baby boomers... Then... The parents of the baby boomers... They went through... This world war... And then... The world... The world war ended... You know... Imagine the feeling...

[00:43:35] Of this... Heavy... Heavy burden... Being just lifted from them... Imagine the optimism... Living in Sweden as well... Sweden who... Just... Barely got away... You know... That... We... We were never in... The second world war... So... Sweden was... One of the few countries in Europe... That... Wasn't bombed... Or... Destroyed... Or... Heaven is... Having its... Its citizens...

[00:44:05] Devastated... Decimated... Decimated... So we had this... Blooming... Booming economy... And... An able... Stable workforce... And... Optimism to the teeth... And... It must have been a great life... You know... The music... The culture... The booze and the food... And the cars... And... The booming economy...

[00:44:37] I... Remember her as... A joyful spirit... With a... Traumatic... And... Dark... Past... Of which she never... She never spoke... I don't know... To what extent... Her stepfather really... Abused her... I don't know... She... She never talked about that...

[00:45:07] As very common with that generation... They don't talk... Is it the silent generation? They call them... I... I guess my grandma was... Yeah... She was young when she got my mom... So... She... She... Maybe she's too young... To be considered... One of the silent generation... But... Nevertheless... She never talked about anything... Burdensome... Anything... Dark...

[00:45:37] You know... She... Whenever she... Talked about anything... It was just... In terms of... This is good... This is nice... I love this... I want to do this... It was all... Just... Joy for her... She wasn't a particularly... Deep person... I need to say that sentence again... Because I... Sometimes I'm sloppy... With my words...

[00:46:08] She was... She wasn't a particularly... Deep person... Per se... She couldn't just... You know... All of a sudden... Say stuff like... Who am I really? You know... She was... She enjoyed a good smoke... Under the kitchen fan... And she enjoyed... Her... Liquor... Fine liquor... Wine...

[00:46:37] And... She enjoyed... To dress up... In... Leopard... Patterned... Dresses... And... Fake gold chains... And... Fake gold... Earrings... And I think... Maybe... Some of them maybe... Were gold as well... But I... I... I remember her being... Sort of... Tacky... But... Cheek... She had this...

[00:47:07] In one of the cupboards... In their bedroom... Grandma and... Granddad's... Bedroom... There was this... Rack of just... Yeah... Bracelets and chains and stuff... And... I was forbidden to go in there... But I did it anyway... Because it was so... Yeah... The... The force of attraction... Between me and those... This... That jewelry...

[00:47:36] It was too strong... So I used to... Grab a bunch of her neck chains... And I just... Laid on my back on their... The carpet in their... In their bedroom... And just... Sort of poured... The jewelry over my face... The necklaces... They were cold... You know... From... Being metal... And all... And... So it was very...

[00:48:06] The feeling of... Letting it just... Pour over my face... Like a... Liquid snake... It was... Amazing... And... Then I got a scolding... For taking it out... Because it was worth a lot of money... But I don't think... That it was actually worth... A lot of money... I think that... Most of it was... Fake... Copies... Which they bought on...

[00:48:35] Their shorter... Travels... Vacations to... The Canaries... And Mallorca... And she loved square dancing... And when I was... Maybe I was nine or something... Me and my brother... We...

[00:49:02] The square dance club in that little city where she lived... They were... They were... Short on... Younger people... And they had this... Dream... I guess... Of... Making sure that square dancing was... An eternal part of the... Of the community... So... They sort of tricked me and my brother into... Starting square dancing... And everyone was so happy that they... They had two...

[00:49:32] Handsome... Little boys in their... Gathering of... Old people doing square dance... Because the rest of the bunch was... Old... As I remember it in the beginning at least... And... We were promised... In return for learning... The basics of square dancing... We were promised... To go to this island... Called... Öland... In Sweden...

[00:50:01] Where there would be... A square dance convention that summer... And... Me and my brother... We never went anywhere... Because my parents... They had... They never had time... And they never... They never had any money... To go anywhere... So we were like... Starving... In terms of travel... And we... So we said just... Yes... And then I... After that... I just kept going...

[00:50:30] I think it was nice to dance with... With grandma and granddad... And... My brother... He... He stopped doing that... As soon as he got... The opportunity... But I kept dancing until... Yeah... Maybe... 1998... When I danced with my grandma... The last time... So we went... Throughout Sweden... On different conventions... And we danced... Square dance...

[00:50:59] And... In the evenings... There would be... These... Parties... In the camping lots... In trailers... Positioned around the... Convention venue... And... My grandma... And my... And her husband... Olle... My granddad... Were... Yeah... They would get... Tipsy... And... Joke... And... Make out... And...

[00:51:27] It was fascinating to see... Because they... In a way... They appeared younger... Than my actual parents... Because my actual parents... They never... Behaved like that... With my parents... It was always so serious... They were always in a... In... You know... A pickle... Mostly by... For economic reasons... But also... You know... Life... Was harder...

[00:51:57] For my parents... And... My grandparents were... Yeah... Especially when they... When they were... Parties... They behaved like teenagers... In a way... And that was... Nice to see... I remember dreaming... Very vividly... About my own life... When seeing them... And their peers... You know... Sitting on these... Trashy camping grounds... And... Boozing themselves... Up...

[00:52:31] At the time... I think that I... Looked down... Upon their... Life... Somewhat... I thought that... Being alive... As a... You know... Soon to be... World famous actor... You know... You should be... You should take on... A more serious approach... To life... Than what they were doing... But I... Regret that now... Because... I think it's an art form...

[00:53:00] To find... The short joys... Of... Existence... And I don't think that... My granddad... Was so very good at it... I mean... The... Ulla... My... Not my real... But my real... Granddad... I think he was... Quite bad at it... Because he was... As my real grandfather... An alcoholic... And... But he wasn't as seriously... Of an alcoholic... As my real granddad... Henry...

[00:53:29] He were more... Like... Drinking... When no one saw him... Alone at night... And that's the tragedy of it... I think... Because he was... Sort of a somber... Spirit... But he never... Showed it to anyone... Talk about silent generation... So he just sat up... At night... Whenever I got there... As a teenager... And it was... Past midnight... I often found him... Like... Very... Very drunk...

[00:53:59] And... Then he wanted to tell me... Stuff... He wanted to tell me... About the world... Life... He wanted to show me... How to... Adjust the thermostat... Thermostat... And... You know... How to mix drinks... And stuff... And I wasn't interested in that... I thought... He was tragic... And sad... And... He scared me a little bit... He often talked about... When he was young...

[00:54:28] Like in his twenties... I think... I think that's... Kind of sad... Because at the time... He was... Well... I guess he was like... Sixty or something... He still... Worked... As a bartender... In the hotel... And... Um... I think it's sad... To talk about... When you're sixty...

[00:54:57] And talk about your life... As... It's all been going down... From... Downhill... You know... From... That time... On... When he was twenty... He moved from this... Small city in northern Sweden... To Stockholm... And started working as a bartender... And he... Always smiled... When he described... His life then... You know... He was young... He was beautiful... He was fast... He was strong...

[00:55:27] And he did all sorts of... Fun stuff... You know... And the world was just... Made for people like him... Back then... For a young man... With the good looks and... You know... The ability to shake a good... Dry matini... It was always with... Bittersweet longing that he spoke of... Those days...

[00:55:57] And I always felt like... Why aren't you... Talking the same way about... Like... Last year... Or... Today... Or... Why aren't you... Talking about... What you're gonna do next summer... Or... Why... Are so much of what you... Enjoy... And cherish... Why is that placed... In... Some past... That's not really relevant... To any other...

[00:56:26] Than you... I mean... I don't remember the 30s... And... Why... I mean... I guess I'm not against... Memories... Maybe this episode is proof of that... But it's... It's weird to live in the past... It doesn't matter how old you are... I mean... He wasn't very old...

[00:56:57] But even if you're 100... You know... If I get to be 100... I don't wanna dwell... In the past... I wanna... I want to cherish... The memories that mean something... But I... I want... An equal... Placement in the contemporary... You know... I don't wanna be... Left behind... Sometimes when I talk... To my parents... I... Have a sense that they think that... About themselves... That they feel...

[00:57:26] Left behind... You know... I don't want that... I don't want to be... Left behind... And I think that's really up to me... Of course the world can treat me unjust... And run... Run too fast for me... With my old legs... You never know... You know... But I don't wanna be left behind...

[00:57:59] It's a shame... Because I think... There's so much to... Gain... From life... All the way through... Even if you're... 900 years old... And just living throughout this... Iron lung... Situation... There is so much you can do... By just thinking... I'm not talking about magic here... I'm not talking about... Suddenly rising and walking and...

[00:58:28] Breathing by yourself again... No... I'm talking about... More subtle things... Like... What happens if you put this thought on top of that... What happens then... All of a sudden... Life turns into this new one... And that it's never too late... It's never too late... I feel like I'm...

[00:58:57] I'm the last one... Or rather... My daughter is the last one... In this... Vast lineage... That is parents... After parents... After parents... But also... I am... My whole family... I am my... I am my whole history... I am every breath... And every heartbeat... From then... Until now...

[00:59:26] And it makes me so glad... To even... Think that... So... This was this episode... And thank you sleepy... Thank you for being here... With my... Vague rambling... In the night... I... Am truly very grateful... That you're here... And that you've made it this far...

[00:59:56] If you... Keep listening to this... Podcast... I think that you will... Grow to like me... In a way... Maybe in the same way... That you grow to like... Someone that's... Been with you... Throughout your whole... Family history... Like an old uncle... Or something... Someone in the periphery... That's me... Old... Old... Uncle Henrik... Last week... In a way...