I was a child like 16 seconds ago

[00:00:00] Hi Sleepy, just a very quick note before we start today's episode. Do you want to listen to this podcast without the ads? Then you absolutely can. Just subscribe to Fall asleep with Henrik plus and to do so you can just click the link in the podcast description and it'll be fixed. See you there.

[00:00:24] Hi and welcome to Fall asleep with Henrik. I'm Henrik and you're sleepy and this is what it is. What happens happens and right now there is nothing we can do. So let's go.

[00:00:46] Hi Sleepy. First of all I want to mention again my humble overly ambitious goal with this podcast and that is to reach 1 million people within a year. That's like around this time next year, a bit earlier maybe in the beginning of the fall next year.

[00:01:14] And so far I've reached like a couple of thousand people and I have this dream of reaching a wide, really wide audience with this falling asleep podcast. So if you happen to like it, please share it amongst your friends and your loved ones and your enemies or your frenemies.

[00:01:38] Anyone really who could benefit from this unqualified garbage that is this podcast. So, you know, you know, the drill, you know, write reviews, share it in social media, say stuff to people of influence or otherwise, you know.

[00:02:02] So, I really don't like this part of the job, but it's unfortunately it's necessary for me or for anyone really if you want to grow and I do. I do want to grow.

[00:02:14] So, the message, if there is one here is that this podcast doesn't really have a message. I'm not going to impose. I'm just going to talk and you don't even have to listen. You can just press play and that's it.

[00:02:34] You've done your job. And now you just listen to my rambling for an hour. And sometimes I will say stuff that means something. And sometimes I will just say whatever.

[00:02:51] So, first of all, I want to reach out to my American listeners and say that last week I made a prediction that turned out to be very gravely false.

[00:03:04] And regardless of what you think politically, regardless of who you voted for, I guess there's turbulence coming.

[00:03:20] Not just for you, but like the ripples will reach like almost every country in the world.

[00:03:29] And I just wanted to say that we're in this together, all of us. And let's just try and keep dignified, you know. Keep our dignity and our empathy and our hope.

[00:03:49] Because what else is there really? It's so easy for us to sink into something dark. It's in our nature, really. I mean literally in our nature.

[00:04:06] The people who lived before us, like in the ancient days, forlorn people, they were really benefiting from a negative...

[00:04:24] view of the future. Because, yeah, think of it like you're living in a cave at the coast somewhere in South Africa, 70,000, 100,000 years ago.

[00:04:40] And like 500 meters away from you, there's another cave. And in that cave, there's this cave lion that's been living there in generations.

[00:04:51] The same as you, really.

[00:04:53] This cave in South Africa, it exists for real.

[00:04:59] I can't remember the name. I never remember it whenever I bring it up.

[00:05:04] I do that constantly in my Swedish version of this podcast.

[00:05:09] I talk about this cave because it's...

[00:05:13] It's such a fascinating place because it's been...

[00:05:17] home to generations of people for thousands of years.

[00:05:23] And even before Homo sapiens, there's traces of other humans before them.

[00:05:36] So imagine that you live there and you're a Homo sapiens and you're an early Homo sapiens and it's like you're a hunter-gatherer.

[00:05:45] And with emphasis on the gatherer part because you don't really have any tools to hunt with.

[00:05:53] And in this particular case, you...

[00:05:57] You have it quite well because...

[00:06:00] The sea provides you with a lot of, so to speak, free food.

[00:06:05] You can...

[00:06:08] Walk around at the shore just picking oysters.

[00:06:12] And other easily catched seafood.

[00:06:20] Maybe you're an expert in catching fish as well.

[00:06:23] I don't know.

[00:06:25] So you have it quite...

[00:06:29] It's a nice time.

[00:06:32] But...

[00:06:33] You should never just relax.

[00:06:37] You couldn't...

[00:06:38] By at that time, you couldn't just...

[00:06:42] Well...

[00:06:43] 500 meters away, there was this cave lion.

[00:06:47] They have actually found...

[00:06:48] I don't know if it's 500 meters or 1 kilometer or I don't know.

[00:06:53] But...

[00:06:54] Close by...

[00:06:55] They have found traces of...

[00:06:57] An equally old...

[00:07:00] Living place, but for...

[00:07:02] Predators.

[00:07:03] And I don't mean...

[00:07:05] People.

[00:07:05] I mean...

[00:07:06] Like...

[00:07:08] The gigafauna or whatever you call it.

[00:07:11] It's like...

[00:07:11] Huge animals.

[00:07:13] So...

[00:07:13] Like...

[00:07:13] This cave lion...

[00:07:16] Huge...

[00:07:17] Much bigger than...

[00:07:18] Today's lions.

[00:07:20] But with smaller...

[00:07:22] Mains...

[00:07:23] For the males.

[00:07:26] And...

[00:07:26] So...

[00:07:27] Think of a...

[00:07:28] Of a...

[00:07:29] Of an existence where you have to live...

[00:07:31] Like neighbor...

[00:07:34] To this...

[00:07:38] Apex...

[00:07:39] Predator.

[00:07:42] Those of the early homo sapiens that...

[00:07:46] Just...

[00:07:47] Thought of the world as...

[00:07:49] This nice and kind and warm and positive place...

[00:07:52] And just...

[00:07:53] Walked around naked in the sun...

[00:07:55] Enjoying the wind on their skin...

[00:07:58] You know...

[00:07:59] Never mind...

[00:08:00] The...

[00:08:01] The...

[00:08:01] The sound coming from the bushes...

[00:08:03] It's okay...

[00:08:04] It's...

[00:08:05] Probably just a rodent...

[00:08:08] Those people...

[00:08:10] Didn't stay around...

[00:08:11] For so long...

[00:08:13] So the negative people...

[00:08:15] Which...

[00:08:15] Which saw...

[00:08:17] Who saw the...

[00:08:19] Potential danger in everything...

[00:08:21] In every rustle in the leaves...

[00:08:23] That...

[00:08:24] They could...

[00:08:25] Live on...

[00:08:27] Pass their genes on...

[00:08:28] To the next generation...

[00:08:29] And so...

[00:08:30] It's in us...

[00:08:32] To be negative...

[00:08:34] And to think about the future as dark...

[00:08:36] And...

[00:08:37] I'm not saying that the future is...

[00:08:40] Bright...

[00:08:41] We don't know...

[00:08:42] That's the thing...

[00:08:43] And...

[00:08:46] Yeah...

[00:08:47] The future could be...

[00:08:50] Or...

[00:08:51] Probably will be...

[00:08:52] A mix of both...

[00:08:54] There will be so much darkness...

[00:08:57] And there will be so much light...

[00:08:59] And...

[00:09:00] What you consider light...

[00:09:02] Someone else consider darkness...

[00:09:05] And...

[00:09:05] There really isn't any...

[00:09:07] Objective truth...

[00:09:08] To any of it...

[00:09:09] So I guess...

[00:09:11] Everything...

[00:09:12] All we need to do...

[00:09:13] Really...

[00:09:13] All we can do...

[00:09:15] Is try to take care of each other...

[00:09:16] The best we can...

[00:09:17] And try not to...

[00:09:19] Carry bitterness and anger...

[00:09:21] I mean...

[00:09:21] That's...

[00:09:22] It sounds like a cliche...

[00:09:25] But it's...

[00:09:26] I mean...

[00:09:27] It's true...

[00:09:29] You know...

[00:09:31] The only thing I can do...

[00:09:33] Is take care of what my own emotions do...

[00:09:35] And try to be...

[00:09:37] Good to other...

[00:09:39] Others...

[00:09:39] And mainly because...

[00:09:42] That's the least hurtful thing...

[00:09:45] I can do to myself...

[00:09:47] If you want to keep it...

[00:09:48] Like...

[00:09:49] Consistent with a view that...

[00:09:51] Says yes to the individual...

[00:09:53] In this case me...

[00:09:55] If I want to benefit me...

[00:09:57] Throughout life...

[00:09:59] If I want to go through life with...

[00:10:06] Like...

[00:10:07] As little...

[00:10:09] Hurt as possible...

[00:10:12] The best thing...

[00:10:14] I can do...

[00:10:15] I can do...

[00:10:15] In order to protect myself from hurt...

[00:10:18] Is to...

[00:10:19] A...

[00:10:20] Try and...

[00:10:24] Try not to get my emotions...

[00:10:26] Get the better of me...

[00:10:28] Not give in to...

[00:10:30] Destructive impulses...

[00:10:32] Like...

[00:10:34] Anger and bitterness...

[00:10:35] And hate...

[00:10:36] And...

[00:10:38] Violence...

[00:10:39] Because...

[00:10:40] In the end...

[00:10:40] That hurts me as well...

[00:10:44] And...

[00:10:44] To...

[00:10:45] Or be...

[00:10:46] Or whatever...

[00:10:48] I should just...

[00:10:50] Try to be nice to other people...

[00:10:53] You know...

[00:10:53] Try to take care of those...

[00:10:55] Which I can...

[00:10:57] Take care of...

[00:10:58] I can't take care of everyone...

[00:11:00] But I can...

[00:11:00] Take care of some...

[00:11:03] To some extent...

[00:11:05] And...

[00:11:06] I guess that's the only thing...

[00:11:08] I really...

[00:11:10] Can do...

[00:11:11] In order to...

[00:11:14] Keep myself...

[00:11:16] Intact...

[00:11:16] Throughout life...

[00:11:19] So...

[00:11:19] I'm...

[00:11:20] As you can notice...

[00:11:21] As you notice...

[00:11:22] I'm...

[00:11:22] I'm trying to avoid...

[00:11:23] The moral aspect of this...

[00:11:26] I don't really believe in...

[00:11:29] Sense moral...

[00:11:30] I don't really believe in...

[00:11:33] Like...

[00:11:34] Quote on quote...

[00:11:35] The right thing to do...

[00:11:37] I think life is more complicated than that...

[00:11:39] And...

[00:11:41] We...

[00:11:42] As humans...

[00:11:43] We have also...

[00:11:44] Like...

[00:11:44] Invented good and evil...

[00:11:46] In a way...

[00:11:47] Nature doesn't really work...

[00:11:50] In terms of good and evil...

[00:11:52] Nature just...

[00:11:53] Works...

[00:11:55] And...

[00:11:55] I'm not saying that...

[00:11:58] We should all...

[00:11:59] Go out and just...

[00:12:01] You know...

[00:12:02] Rip our competitors to pieces...

[00:12:06] Or...

[00:12:07] Just...

[00:12:08] Solve...

[00:12:09] All...

[00:12:10] Conflicts with violence...

[00:12:12] As much of...

[00:12:13] It is done in nature...

[00:12:16] But I'm saying that...

[00:12:17] Moral isn't a part of it...

[00:12:21] At least not in a general sense...

[00:12:23] If we look at...

[00:12:24] Like...

[00:12:25] Exist...

[00:12:26] Existence overall in the cosmos...

[00:12:28] As far as we know it...

[00:12:30] So good and evil are concepts...

[00:12:33] That we people have...

[00:12:34] Invented in a way...

[00:12:36] And some of it...

[00:12:37] Are based on...

[00:12:39] Like...

[00:12:40] Genuine...

[00:12:41] Facts...

[00:12:42] Like...

[00:12:42] If I do something that...

[00:12:46] Hurts...

[00:12:46] You...

[00:12:48] Physically...

[00:12:48] That will hurt you...

[00:12:50] Physically...

[00:12:51] You know...

[00:12:51] So that's a fact...

[00:12:53] But if I say that...

[00:12:55] Whatever you believe in...

[00:12:56] Is for stupid people...

[00:12:59] Then...

[00:13:00] I'm not really doing anything...

[00:13:02] Based in...

[00:13:04] Nature...

[00:13:06] I'm saying something that goes against...

[00:13:08] Something you believe in...

[00:13:12] I don't know what I'm talking about...

[00:13:14] I'm just...

[00:13:16] Fantasizing...

[00:13:20] But it's...

[00:13:21] I mean we're...

[00:13:24] I'm not saying that we should just ignore...

[00:13:27] What we call moral...

[00:13:29] I think that's...

[00:13:31] Very often the only thing that we can hold on to...

[00:13:34] Because...

[00:13:35] We can all agree that...

[00:13:37] Killing someone's grandma...

[00:13:39] Is wrong...

[00:13:41] You know...

[00:13:42] You know...

[00:13:42] It's wrong...

[00:13:43] It's generally frowned upon...

[00:13:45] To kill someone's grandma...

[00:13:47] And...

[00:13:48] We shouldn't do that...

[00:13:50] Because...

[00:13:50] It will hurt...

[00:13:51] Like...

[00:13:51] Not just the grandma...

[00:13:52] But the people around the grandma...

[00:13:54] And eventually...

[00:13:55] The killer...

[00:13:56] It's himself...

[00:13:57] Or herself...

[00:14:00] So...

[00:14:01] I'm not saying that moral is wrong...

[00:14:04] I'm just...

[00:14:04] I'm just saying that...

[00:14:07] I'm trying to avoid the fact that there's some divine truth...

[00:14:11] That says that...

[00:14:13] What we should do or...

[00:14:14] Not do...

[00:14:15] I think that's a fundamental thing of looking at things and I...

[00:14:19] Fundamentalist thing of looking at things and I'm not...

[00:14:25] Well...

[00:14:25] Let's just say that I'm against...

[00:14:27] Any type of fundamentalist...

[00:14:29] View of the world...

[00:14:33] I...

[00:14:34] I really want to wonder...

[00:14:36] I really want to...

[00:14:40] Doubt...

[00:14:40] That's my...

[00:14:42] Comfort in life...

[00:14:43] That we can never be really sure about anything...

[00:14:48] That really helps me when I...

[00:14:51] Feel sad...

[00:14:53] And I felt quite sad...

[00:14:56] After the American election...

[00:14:59] The US election...

[00:15:01] I felt...

[00:15:03] Sad...

[00:15:03] And I'm not going to go into this...

[00:15:05] Because I know everyone is...

[00:15:07] Has a different opinion about this...

[00:15:10] And...

[00:15:11] I'm not...

[00:15:12] I don't...

[00:15:12] I am not a political...

[00:15:14] Person...

[00:15:15] In this...

[00:15:16] In this scenario...

[00:15:17] I'm just your...

[00:15:18] Average...

[00:15:19] Weird Swedish dude...

[00:15:21] That's going to talk you to sleep...

[00:15:23] So I'm not going to go into this as I did last week...

[00:15:27] I...

[00:15:28] Let me just say one thing though...

[00:15:31] I...

[00:15:31] I said that...

[00:15:33] If you feel...

[00:15:35] Like I've overstepped my...

[00:15:36] Any boundary...

[00:15:38] Or...

[00:15:38] Said anything...

[00:15:40] That hurt you...

[00:15:41] Or...

[00:15:42] Made you feel anything...

[00:15:44] Other than just...

[00:15:45] This is a cozy podcast...

[00:15:47] And I...

[00:15:47] I use it to fall asleep...

[00:15:49] Then please write to me...

[00:15:50] Because this is still an experiment...

[00:15:52] So I don't really know what I'm doing...

[00:15:54] Doing this in English...

[00:15:56] And...

[00:15:58] I have...

[00:15:59] I only had one response...

[00:16:01] And that response was...

[00:16:02] I agree with you...

[00:16:06] So...

[00:16:06] I mean...

[00:16:07] I had expected...

[00:16:09] Lots and lots of people to tell me that...

[00:16:12] To stay out of their business...

[00:16:14] You know?

[00:16:16] Like sitting on your high horses...

[00:16:18] Here in Sweden...

[00:16:20] In socialist...

[00:16:22] Socialist communist Sweden...

[00:16:24] I'm joking...

[00:16:25] We're not socialists or communists...

[00:16:28] But it's...

[00:16:29] I mean...

[00:16:30] As far as the US goes...

[00:16:32] Sometimes that's the...

[00:16:34] Narrative...

[00:16:35] So I'm sitting here...

[00:16:37] And just pointing fingers...

[00:16:38] Without even...

[00:16:39] I haven't even been to the States...

[00:16:41] So I couldn't ever...

[00:16:42] You know?

[00:16:44] But none...

[00:16:45] I have...

[00:16:46] Got zero reaction...

[00:16:48] To this...

[00:16:48] And I don't know if I should be happy...

[00:16:50] Or...

[00:16:51] Sad about this...

[00:16:52] I think happy...

[00:16:53] Because I don't ever wanna hurt someone...

[00:16:55] Or...

[00:16:56] Make anyone feel that...

[00:16:59] I'm...

[00:17:00] You know?

[00:17:01] Trying to explain the world or something...

[00:17:03] Because believe me...

[00:17:04] I know that I have nothing really important...

[00:17:07] To say...

[00:17:08] And...

[00:17:09] Neither should I...

[00:17:10] Not in this...

[00:17:11] Scenario...

[00:17:12] If I say something that's...

[00:17:17] To be considered...

[00:17:18] Wise or...

[00:17:21] You know?

[00:17:22] Insightful in any way...

[00:17:24] That's...

[00:17:24] Believe me...

[00:17:25] It's purely an accident...

[00:17:26] I...

[00:17:27] Don't have really...

[00:17:29] Any clue...

[00:17:31] And I'm gonna keep it that way...

[00:17:34] I have...

[00:17:36] Like...

[00:17:36] Impulses and...

[00:17:39] Concepts of a plan...

[00:17:42] No pun intended...

[00:17:44] So I...

[00:17:48] I go...

[00:17:49] Where...

[00:17:50] My...

[00:17:51] Feelings...

[00:17:53] And my...

[00:17:55] Unprocessed thoughts...

[00:17:57] Take me...

[00:17:58] That's...

[00:17:59] What I do here...

[00:18:00] If you're not familiar...

[00:18:02] With this...

[00:18:02] Vague concept...

[00:18:04] Of a podcast...

[00:18:08] So...

[00:18:09] Okay...

[00:18:09] So I don't remember really...

[00:18:11] Yeah...

[00:18:11] I was talking about...

[00:18:13] How we are...

[00:18:16] You know...

[00:18:17] Destined...

[00:18:18] To fall into darkness...

[00:18:20] From time to time...

[00:18:23] And...

[00:18:24] I mean...

[00:18:25] It's sad...

[00:18:26] You really have to push yourself...

[00:18:28] Sometimes...

[00:18:29] To be...

[00:18:30] Like...

[00:18:31] Positive...

[00:18:32] And there's this...

[00:18:33] Awful aspect...

[00:18:35] Of being positive...

[00:18:36] You know what I mean...

[00:18:37] The forced...

[00:18:38] Positivity...

[00:18:40] When people say...

[00:18:42] Stop thinking so much...

[00:18:43] Just...

[00:18:44] Try and be positive...

[00:18:48] You know...

[00:18:49] The awful way of saying that to...

[00:18:51] For instance...

[00:18:52] A depressed person...

[00:18:53] Have you tried not being so sad?

[00:18:58] You know...

[00:19:00] That's awful...

[00:19:01] That's absolutely awful...

[00:19:04] And...

[00:19:05] I...

[00:19:06] I'm not really...

[00:19:08] Thinking about positivity in that way...

[00:19:11] I think about positivity as...

[00:19:14] A nuanced way of looking at the world really...

[00:19:19] Like...

[00:19:20] How could we be so arrogant as to think that...

[00:19:23] We...

[00:19:24] Really know what's going on?

[00:19:28] That's...

[00:19:29] That's my main argument against...

[00:19:32] People...

[00:19:33] Or...

[00:19:34] World views that are...

[00:19:35] Purely dark...

[00:19:37] How can we be so arrogant...

[00:19:39] As to think that we could possibly know what's going to happen?

[00:19:45] I mean...

[00:19:46] Haven't...

[00:19:46] The world...

[00:19:47] Haven't...

[00:19:48] Time proved this to...

[00:19:49] Humanity again and again and again...

[00:19:53] That we can never know...

[00:19:56] We are always caught by surprise by the stuff that goes on...

[00:20:01] Positive stuff and negative stuff...

[00:20:03] Really bright...

[00:20:05] Wonderful...

[00:20:07] Heartwarming...

[00:20:08] Things...

[00:20:09] And huge...

[00:20:11] Tragedies...

[00:20:15] That's...

[00:20:15] I mean...

[00:20:16] Isn't that the trick of being...

[00:20:18] A person?

[00:20:20] To balance this uncertainty...

[00:20:23] And still...

[00:20:24] Feel safe and...

[00:20:28] Experience...

[00:20:29] Like...

[00:20:29] Joy and love in life?

[00:20:31] Isn't that really...

[00:20:33] The tricky part?

[00:20:38] I think so...

[00:20:40] Life is a disaster...

[00:20:43] And I...

[00:20:44] I don't mean a disaster in terms of...

[00:20:48] Tragedy...

[00:20:48] I mean...

[00:20:49] Disaster in terms of...

[00:20:52] You wake up...

[00:20:53] A.K.A.

[00:20:55] Born...

[00:20:55] You're born...

[00:20:56] In this...

[00:21:00] Debris...

[00:21:01] This pile of debris...

[00:21:03] Like...

[00:21:04] The aftermath of a plane crash...

[00:21:07] Figuratively...

[00:21:08] Figuratively...

[00:21:09] Figuratively speaking...

[00:21:13] The remnants of a plane crash...

[00:21:15] And...

[00:21:15] You're just...

[00:21:17] Naked...

[00:21:17] Crawling around...

[00:21:18] In this...

[00:21:19] Piles...

[00:21:20] Piles...

[00:21:21] Piles...

[00:21:21] Of debris...

[00:21:22] Nothing really connects to one another...

[00:21:25] And...

[00:21:26] Everything is just a mess...

[00:21:28] And then you just live there...

[00:21:30] And you just...

[00:21:31] Pick up the debris from the ground...

[00:21:33] And you build yourself...

[00:21:34] Stuff...

[00:21:35] You build the world around you...

[00:21:37] Together with your parents...

[00:21:39] Hopefully...

[00:21:40] Or other people around you...

[00:21:42] And...

[00:21:44] That's life...

[00:21:46] I mean...

[00:21:47] And I don't mean this in...

[00:21:51] Like...

[00:21:51] In this...

[00:21:52] Very tragic way...

[00:21:54] That disappears...

[00:21:55] I hear that now...

[00:21:56] When I'm...

[00:21:57] Saying it out loud...

[00:21:58] But...

[00:22:01] I mean...

[00:22:01] Isn't it really a fresh...

[00:22:03] Way of looking at the world?

[00:22:06] Like...

[00:22:06] We don't...

[00:22:07] We are not born into this...

[00:22:09] Perfect paradise...

[00:22:10] Which we are then ruining...

[00:22:12] By being ourselves...

[00:22:13] From one year to another...

[00:22:15] Adding one...

[00:22:16] Negative experience to...

[00:22:18] Until we're just...

[00:22:20] Accumulated so much...

[00:22:23] Hurt...

[00:22:24] And disappointment...

[00:22:25] And bitterness...

[00:22:26] And then we just...

[00:22:27] Leave this...

[00:22:28] Earth...

[00:22:28] It's...

[00:22:29] I mean...

[00:22:29] Isn't that a...

[00:22:30] Weird and...

[00:22:33] Very...

[00:22:34] What do you call it?

[00:22:37] It's...

[00:22:38] It's a bad way of looking at...

[00:22:39] Life I think...

[00:22:41] If you think of life as a disaster...

[00:22:44] And I'm...

[00:22:45] I mean disaster in the most delightful way...

[00:22:48] You know?

[00:22:50] Because...

[00:22:51] If we're born into a disaster...

[00:22:53] There's...

[00:22:53] There's really nothing you can do to...

[00:22:57] Ruin it even more...

[00:22:58] You know?

[00:23:00] The only thing that you can do...

[00:23:02] In the remnants of a disaster...

[00:23:05] In this pile of...

[00:23:07] Mess...

[00:23:08] And debris...

[00:23:09] That life is...

[00:23:10] Then the only thing that you can really do is build...

[00:23:13] And hopefully you can build something beautiful...

[00:23:16] But even so...

[00:23:17] You can build...

[00:23:17] Like...

[00:23:18] Anything...

[00:23:18] You can build...

[00:23:21] Like...

[00:23:24] This huge...

[00:23:26] Bright...

[00:23:26] Place for people to feel safe in...

[00:23:29] Or you can build the atom bomb...

[00:23:31] You know?

[00:23:32] You can build anything...

[00:23:33] Out of life...

[00:23:34] And...

[00:23:35] I think it's a very...

[00:23:38] Fresh way to...

[00:23:39] Look at things...

[00:23:42] Rather than just looking at this...

[00:23:45] Perfect environment...

[00:23:46] That...

[00:23:47] Are created...

[00:23:48] Without us really...

[00:23:49] And we're put here...

[00:23:50] And our job is to balance this very narrow line...

[00:23:54] Between doing harm and doing good...

[00:23:57] If we think of everything as ruined...

[00:24:00] Then all we can do really...

[00:24:01] Is to try and build something...

[00:24:03] And hopefully something beautiful...

[00:24:07] So that really...

[00:24:08] Speaks to me...

[00:24:09] I really feel home in that...

[00:24:12] Way of looking at the world...

[00:24:14] Although it's sometimes...

[00:24:15] Of course...

[00:24:16] It's hard to be consistent with it...

[00:24:24] And...

[00:24:25] Then it's...

[00:24:28] Like for instance...

[00:24:30] Now in my life...

[00:24:31] I go through stuff...

[00:24:33] A lot of different stuff...

[00:24:36] Emotional...

[00:24:37] Stuff...

[00:24:38] And I guess...

[00:24:39] One day I'm going to talk about...

[00:24:41] The specifics of this emotional stuff...

[00:24:43] But right now...

[00:24:44] Let me just say that...

[00:24:47] I'm in a phase...

[00:24:48] In my life right now...

[00:24:52] Which...

[00:24:53] Has...

[00:24:54] Well I've never been here...

[00:24:56] Before...

[00:24:57] And...

[00:24:59] It's turmoil...

[00:25:00] It's debris...

[00:25:01] It's chaos...

[00:25:03] And...

[00:25:04] That's hurtful...

[00:25:06] And it's...

[00:25:07] It feels dangerous...

[00:25:08] And I feel unsafe...

[00:25:11] And...

[00:25:11] But it helps to look at the world...

[00:25:13] In terms of...

[00:25:16] This is a disaster...

[00:25:18] To begin with...

[00:25:19] You know...

[00:25:21] I should just consider myself lucky...

[00:25:24] To be alive...

[00:25:25] You know...

[00:25:25] In this...

[00:25:26] Turmoil...

[00:25:28] That life is...

[00:25:29] Because there's nothing...

[00:25:30] Really...

[00:25:31] In nature...

[00:25:33] That...

[00:25:34] Promises me anything...

[00:25:36] There's nothing in nature...

[00:25:38] That says that...

[00:25:39] I...

[00:25:39] Need to be alive...

[00:25:41] I...

[00:25:41] Need to succeed...

[00:25:43] I...

[00:25:43] Need to feel happy...

[00:25:44] There's nothing...

[00:25:46] In cosmos...

[00:25:47] That tells me that this should be...

[00:25:49] That I...

[00:25:50] Or whatever I dream of...

[00:25:52] Or whatever I want to be manifested in...

[00:25:57] Should be...

[00:25:58] You know...

[00:25:59] Should exist...

[00:26:01] I should just be glad...

[00:26:03] To be able to...

[00:26:05] You know...

[00:26:06] Make it through the day...

[00:26:07] If I look at the world...

[00:26:09] As a disaster...

[00:26:11] And not a disaster...

[00:26:12] As in terms of...

[00:26:14] Of an actual plane crash...

[00:26:16] With lost lives and such...

[00:26:18] I mean figuratively...

[00:26:20] God...

[00:26:21] I can't say that word...

[00:26:23] You know what I mean though...

[00:26:25] Figuratively...

[00:26:27] Figuratively...

[00:26:29] Figuratively speaking...

[00:26:33] So whenever I...

[00:26:34] Mention the word disaster...

[00:26:36] You should think of it...

[00:26:37] As a metaphor...

[00:26:40] For something...

[00:26:42] Undisciplined...

[00:26:44] Unordered...

[00:26:46] And...

[00:26:48] Messy...

[00:26:48] You know...

[00:26:53] In some ways...

[00:26:54] It's a relief...

[00:26:55] To think of...

[00:26:57] Anything really...

[00:26:59] To...

[00:27:00] Be a disaster...

[00:27:01] As a starting point...

[00:27:04] When you meet someone new...

[00:27:07] If you think of it as a disaster...

[00:27:10] Rather than...

[00:27:11] Some...

[00:27:27] Narrow...

[00:27:28] If you just...

[00:27:29] Think of it as...

[00:27:31] This...

[00:27:32] Mutual disaster...

[00:27:34] Then there's so much...

[00:27:35] You can do with that...

[00:27:36] You know...

[00:27:37] And there's so much stuff...

[00:27:39] Laying around...

[00:27:40] In a disaster...

[00:27:42] And it's like...

[00:27:44] Everywhere...

[00:27:46] Imagine...

[00:27:48] Like this...

[00:27:49] Pile of...

[00:27:52] Stuff...

[00:27:52] Just laying around...

[00:27:53] And you can use...

[00:27:55] Whatever...

[00:27:55] Whatever you need...

[00:27:58] And...

[00:27:59] The only thing...

[00:28:00] Setting the boundaries...

[00:28:01] Are your imagination...

[00:28:02] And the rules of physics...

[00:28:04] And the rules of physics are...

[00:28:07] Like...

[00:28:08] It's this amazing thing...

[00:28:10] Because you can...

[00:28:12] Put stuff...

[00:28:13] On top of stuff...

[00:28:15] And...

[00:28:16] If you're...

[00:28:18] Thorough...

[00:28:20] It will stay...

[00:28:22] Put together...

[00:28:23] You know...

[00:28:24] If you put...

[00:28:25] Like a large...

[00:28:29] Cornerstone...

[00:28:29] In each...

[00:28:30] Of the four corners...

[00:28:31] Then you can put...

[00:28:33] Other stuff...

[00:28:34] Vertically...

[00:28:34] Above that...

[00:28:35] And you can create a floor...

[00:28:37] And...

[00:28:37] Then you can put stuff...

[00:28:38] On that floor...

[00:28:40] Like...

[00:28:40] Miniature furniture...

[00:28:42] Or...

[00:28:43] Heavy objects...

[00:28:44] Depending on the material...

[00:28:47] And then you can...

[00:28:48] Rise walls against it...

[00:28:49] And you can...

[00:28:50] You can lean in...

[00:28:51] So it becomes like this...

[00:28:52] TP form...

[00:28:55] You can put a little flag on top...

[00:28:57] You can do whatever you want...

[00:28:59] You can build...

[00:29:00] Like...

[00:29:01] The Eiffel Tower...

[00:29:02] Or you can build...

[00:29:04] A little robot...

[00:29:06] That...

[00:29:06] Sells...

[00:29:07] Ads to...

[00:29:11] Children...

[00:29:11] In...

[00:29:13] Poor districts...

[00:29:14] You know...

[00:29:15] It's...

[00:29:15] It's your choice...

[00:29:16] You can do whatever you want...

[00:29:18] With this...

[00:29:18] Debris...

[00:29:19] Life is...

[00:29:24] So anyway...

[00:29:25] That's what I...

[00:29:26] Think about...

[00:29:27] When I...

[00:29:28] Feel myself...

[00:29:29] Sinking into darkness...

[00:29:30] And...

[00:29:31] It really helps...

[00:29:34] And not just darkness...

[00:29:35] In terms of fear...

[00:29:37] Or despair...

[00:29:38] Also in terms of...

[00:29:39] Anger and bitterness...

[00:29:40] Because I think that...

[00:29:41] Bitterness and anger are...

[00:29:44] Well not...

[00:29:45] Maybe not...

[00:29:46] Maybe not...

[00:29:47] Anger like...

[00:29:48] In aggression...

[00:29:51] I've often...

[00:29:52] Found that...

[00:29:53] Being really angry...

[00:29:55] Have...

[00:29:56] Have...

[00:29:56] Historically helped me...

[00:29:57] In life...

[00:29:59] Most of my...

[00:30:02] Victories...

[00:30:04] If I can say that...

[00:30:05] Has come from...

[00:30:07] Initially...

[00:30:08] Has stemmed from this feeling of...

[00:30:10] Anger...

[00:30:11] That...

[00:30:12] Why can't I just...

[00:30:13] Do this...

[00:30:14] And then...

[00:30:16] Stuff happens...

[00:30:18] This podcast...

[00:30:19] For instance...

[00:30:21] If you didn't know...

[00:30:23] If you're new here...

[00:30:24] It's an...

[00:30:25] It's a...

[00:30:27] It's an English version...

[00:30:29] Of my Swedish podcast...

[00:30:31] Fall asleep with Hendrik...

[00:30:33] And I've been doing that for...

[00:30:35] Like...

[00:30:36] Six years now...

[00:30:38] And that's my...

[00:30:40] Line of work...

[00:30:42] That's what I do to make a living...

[00:30:44] And...

[00:30:44] I...

[00:30:45] I thought about making this podcast in English...

[00:30:48] Like...

[00:30:48] Year one...

[00:30:49] But I never had the guts to do it...

[00:30:53] And...

[00:30:54] Since the Swedish version went so well...

[00:30:56] I didn't really need to do it...

[00:30:58] But I still wanted to do it...

[00:30:59] So I tried it...

[00:31:00] Like with different...

[00:31:01] Artificial intelligence tools...

[00:31:04] So I made this...

[00:31:06] Digital...

[00:31:07] Clone of my voice...

[00:31:09] And...

[00:31:10] I wrote...

[00:31:11] Like...

[00:31:12] Random scripts...

[00:31:14] With...

[00:31:16] The prequel to...

[00:31:18] GPT-3...

[00:31:19] Which was...

[00:31:19] Like...

[00:31:20] GPT-2...

[00:31:21] And that...

[00:31:22] Was way before...

[00:31:24] ChatGPT...

[00:31:24] And...

[00:31:24] Those...

[00:31:25] Platforms...

[00:31:26] And they were...

[00:31:28] Like...

[00:31:29] Terrible scripts...

[00:31:31] And I also used...

[00:31:33] An old version of...

[00:31:35] Lama...

[00:31:35] The Facebook...

[00:31:36] The meta...

[00:31:37] Open source...

[00:31:39] Open language model...

[00:31:44] So...

[00:31:44] I was...

[00:31:47] Yeah...

[00:31:47] I thought that this would be the way...

[00:31:49] And maybe one day it will...

[00:31:51] I don't know...

[00:31:52] But...

[00:31:54] I...

[00:31:54] I thought...

[00:31:55] At the same time as I continued to do this...

[00:31:58] In this very vivid way in Swedish...

[00:32:01] I...

[00:32:02] Resented myself for not...

[00:32:06] Daring...

[00:32:06] For not having the guts to do this in English...

[00:32:09] I thought of myself as this...

[00:32:12] Dork...

[00:32:12] As this...

[00:32:15] Like...

[00:32:17] Yeah...

[00:32:18] A dork...

[00:32:19] A nerd...

[00:32:20] Well not a nerd...

[00:32:21] That's not necessarily a bad thing is it?

[00:32:24] A nerd is something...

[00:32:25] Someone who knows a lot of things...

[00:32:28] And are really into something specific...

[00:32:31] Okay...

[00:32:32] So a dork...

[00:32:34] Someone who...

[00:32:35] You know...

[00:32:36] A geek...

[00:32:37] You know...

[00:32:38] And...

[00:32:41] Because...

[00:32:42] Whenever...

[00:32:44] Whenever...

[00:32:45] We Swedes...

[00:32:46] Speak English...

[00:32:47] We feel...

[00:32:48] We're...

[00:32:48] We're...

[00:32:49] Generally very good...

[00:32:50] At English...

[00:32:52] But...

[00:32:52] Whenever we speak it...

[00:32:54] We...

[00:32:54] We're ashamed of our dialects...

[00:32:56] And our...

[00:32:57] Broken English...

[00:32:58] And we try to be this...

[00:33:01] Fully...

[00:33:03] Fully American or English speaking...

[00:33:05] Person...

[00:33:06] But we are not...

[00:33:07] You know...

[00:33:09] So I've...

[00:33:10] I've...

[00:33:11] I never dared to do this...

[00:33:14] And...

[00:33:16] As the years went by...

[00:33:19] I felt more and more...

[00:33:21] Anger...

[00:33:22] About the fact that I was too...

[00:33:25] Cow...

[00:33:25] I was such a coward...

[00:33:27] Not to...

[00:33:27] Even try it...

[00:33:29] And so...

[00:33:30] One day...

[00:33:34] I just...

[00:33:35] It just...

[00:33:36] Yeah...

[00:33:37] Coincidences...

[00:33:39] Coincidences collided...

[00:33:41] And I met people...

[00:33:44] That inspired me to do this...

[00:33:46] So...

[00:33:47] I did it...

[00:33:48] And...

[00:33:49] Now I'm not angry anymore...

[00:33:50] So...

[00:33:51] Anger...

[00:33:51] Is...

[00:33:52] Maybe it's a good force...

[00:33:54] At least...

[00:33:55] To some degree...

[00:33:59] But when I...

[00:34:00] Got into acting school...

[00:34:01] Back in...

[00:34:03] 1995...

[00:34:04] I had this...

[00:34:05] Old actress...

[00:34:07] She's dead now...

[00:34:09] She was called...

[00:34:12] Well...

[00:34:13] Now I'm not sure if she's dead...

[00:34:14] So I'm not gonna say her name...

[00:34:15] Because I think that's going to jinx...

[00:34:17] If she's not dead...

[00:34:19] Then she's really, really old...

[00:34:21] Anyway...

[00:34:22] I'm not gonna say her name...

[00:34:23] Because I don't wanna jinx anything...

[00:34:25] Okay...

[00:34:26] But anyway...

[00:34:27] She...

[00:34:27] She's one of my big role models...

[00:34:29] Really...

[00:34:30] And she...

[00:34:31] Were...

[00:34:31] She was in the jury...

[00:34:33] When I got in...

[00:34:35] And she told us...

[00:34:37] The night when we...

[00:34:38] Got accepted...

[00:34:40] She told my class...

[00:34:42] That...

[00:34:43] The only thing that you really need to concern...

[00:34:46] Yourself with...

[00:34:48] As...

[00:34:49] Actors...

[00:34:51] Are not to be bitter...

[00:34:53] Because...

[00:34:54] There are so many pitfalls...

[00:34:56] Of bitterness...

[00:34:58] In this...

[00:34:58] Line of work...

[00:35:00] When you're...

[00:35:02] You know...

[00:35:03] You're chosen...

[00:35:05] Or you're not chosen...

[00:35:06] For a part...

[00:35:07] Or a position...

[00:35:07] Or a role...

[00:35:10] And...

[00:35:12] Acting business is full of bitter people...

[00:35:16] And...

[00:35:17] We...

[00:35:19] None of us really thought that we were going to be bitter...

[00:35:22] You know...

[00:35:23] We had just been accepted into this...

[00:35:26] Four year long education...

[00:35:29] Which was going to make us professional actors...

[00:35:31] And...

[00:35:32] That was like...

[00:35:33] This...

[00:35:34] Huge reward...

[00:35:36] And...

[00:35:36] I think that we all felt that this...

[00:35:39] That very particular moment that...

[00:35:41] Everything was going to turn out...

[00:35:43] Totally fine for us...

[00:35:46] But that was...

[00:35:49] Yeah...

[00:35:52] That was...

[00:35:54] Like 30 years ago...

[00:35:58] 29 years ago...

[00:36:01] And...

[00:36:02] Well...

[00:36:03] Some of us became bitter...

[00:36:05] Me included I guess...

[00:36:07] I think...

[00:36:08] Bitterness is...

[00:36:10] One of the worst...

[00:36:13] States...

[00:36:13] I'm not sure you can consider it a feeling...

[00:36:17] Because there are so many more...

[00:36:18] Based feelings in bitterness...

[00:36:21] Like fear and sorrow...

[00:36:23] And anger...

[00:36:25] But bitterness is a state...

[00:36:28] Like it's a prison...

[00:36:29] That's...

[00:36:29] You can't really escape...

[00:36:32] At least it takes...

[00:36:33] Great effort to escape it...

[00:36:36] And...

[00:36:36] I believe that I...

[00:36:39] I'm free now...

[00:36:41] But I'm not...

[00:36:43] Sure...

[00:36:43] Sometimes it just...

[00:36:46] Reminds me...

[00:36:48] That it's there...

[00:36:49] You know...

[00:36:50] The bitterness...

[00:36:54] Sometimes I can...

[00:36:55] Run into old colleagues of mine...

[00:36:59] Colleagues that...

[00:37:00] Have made...

[00:37:02] Movies...

[00:37:04] Like...

[00:37:06] Plural...

[00:37:07] I've been in one...

[00:37:09] No, I've been in two movies...

[00:37:12] I've been in two...

[00:37:14] Feature films...

[00:37:15] In my life...

[00:37:17] And...

[00:37:18] I have colleagues...

[00:37:19] That have been in like...

[00:37:21] 50 or 100...

[00:37:25] And...

[00:37:26] I have colleagues in the US...

[00:37:28] Who have been in like...

[00:37:30] 500...

[00:37:30] You know...

[00:37:31] So...

[00:37:33] But then of course...

[00:37:34] It's not just...

[00:37:35] It's not all good things...

[00:37:37] But that doesn't really matter...

[00:37:40] In this scenario...

[00:37:43] So...

[00:37:45] I've...

[00:37:46] Walked another path...

[00:37:48] I've made my own things...

[00:37:50] And I've...

[00:37:51] Come to terms with that...

[00:37:53] But sometimes...

[00:37:54] When I meet those...

[00:37:55] Colleagues...

[00:37:56] I look at them...

[00:37:58] And they tell me about their life...

[00:38:01] And...

[00:38:01] It seems so...

[00:38:03] I mean...

[00:38:04] Their life was my goal...

[00:38:05] To begin with...

[00:38:06] You know...

[00:38:07] To live...

[00:38:09] Exclusively...

[00:38:10] From...

[00:38:11] Having other people...

[00:38:14] Giving you...

[00:38:15] Stuff to do...

[00:38:16] Because that's really...

[00:38:18] What an actor does...

[00:38:19] You know...

[00:38:20] And...

[00:38:21] You can be creative...

[00:38:22] And do stuff on your own...

[00:38:23] But...

[00:38:25] Acting is...

[00:38:27] In its core...

[00:38:29] Taking other people's...

[00:38:33] Material...

[00:38:34] Texts...

[00:38:35] Or...

[00:38:36] Other influences...

[00:38:38] And...

[00:38:41] You know...

[00:38:41] Playing it...

[00:38:44] In front of a camera...

[00:38:45] Or...

[00:38:46] A microphone...

[00:38:47] Or...

[00:38:47] On a stage...

[00:38:49] And none of that...

[00:38:52] Is really true in my case...

[00:38:54] Because I create everything I do...

[00:38:56] On my own...

[00:38:58] I don't remember really when I...

[00:39:00] Took someone else's text...

[00:39:03] And performed it...

[00:39:06] I think that...

[00:39:07] Must have been like...

[00:39:09] Six...

[00:39:09] Or seven years ago...

[00:39:10] I did that...

[00:39:11] The last time...

[00:39:12] And...

[00:39:14] No...

[00:39:15] It...

[00:39:16] No...

[00:39:17] Actually...

[00:39:18] Yeah...

[00:39:20] That was also my...

[00:39:21] Own stuff...

[00:39:22] It was the feature film...

[00:39:24] I was doing...

[00:39:24] That was based on a play...

[00:39:26] That I wrote...

[00:39:27] And I also wrote the feature...

[00:39:28] The...

[00:39:29] The screenplay...

[00:39:30] And...

[00:39:32] After that...

[00:39:33] I did a play...

[00:39:34] Which...

[00:39:35] I...

[00:39:35] And the other...

[00:39:36] Cast members...

[00:39:37] And the director...

[00:39:38] We just...

[00:39:39] Improvised...

[00:39:40] The story...

[00:39:44] So...

[00:39:45] I...

[00:39:45] I don't really remember...

[00:39:47] The last time...

[00:39:48] I did something that...

[00:39:49] Is not...

[00:39:52] ...Henrik...

[00:39:55] That must have been...

[00:39:58] Thirteen...

[00:39:58] Years ago...

[00:40:00] Maybe...

[00:40:00] That's not...

[00:40:02] That's not...

[00:40:03] I'm not really...

[00:40:04] What you can consider...

[00:40:06] An actor anymore...

[00:40:07] And that sometimes...

[00:40:08] Fills me with bitterness...

[00:40:10] Because...

[00:40:11] I think that...

[00:40:12] Initially in my career...

[00:40:15] The...

[00:40:16] The theater business just...

[00:40:19] Ran...

[00:40:19] Ran past me...

[00:40:22] Left me...

[00:40:23] In the back...

[00:40:24] In the back rooms...

[00:40:27] And as a young...

[00:40:29] Guy...

[00:40:30] I...

[00:40:32] I mourned this...

[00:40:34] To a great extent...

[00:40:41] But as I said...

[00:40:43] I...

[00:40:43] Think that I'm mostly...

[00:40:45] Out of this...

[00:40:46] State of bitterness...

[00:40:48] I used to be much more...

[00:40:51] Of a bitter guy...

[00:40:52] I used to be...

[00:40:55] Yeah...

[00:40:58] I used to self...

[00:41:00] Medicate with alcohol...

[00:41:02] To feel like a success...

[00:41:06] Because in a way...

[00:41:08] I...

[00:41:08] There's so much in my life...

[00:41:10] That I should be joyful over...

[00:41:12] Like...

[00:41:12] There's so many things...

[00:41:13] That I've created...

[00:41:14] For myself...

[00:41:15] Not just in the terms of my...

[00:41:17] Line of work...

[00:41:18] But also...

[00:41:19] I mean...

[00:41:20] I could have died...

[00:41:22] During...

[00:41:22] High school...

[00:41:24] Middle school...

[00:41:26] As a result of bullying...

[00:41:29] But I didn't...

[00:41:30] I turned that around...

[00:41:34] Not everyone does that...

[00:41:37] I did that...

[00:41:38] And I got a lot of help...

[00:41:39] From my parents...

[00:41:42] But...

[00:41:43] I need to...

[00:41:44] Pat myself on the back...

[00:41:47] Because...

[00:41:48] Pat myself...

[00:41:49] Pat myself on the back...

[00:41:50] What do you say?

[00:41:51] I can't pat myself on the back...

[00:41:53] That's something completely different...

[00:41:55] Isn't it?

[00:41:56] So I...

[00:41:56] I pat myself...

[00:41:57] I will...

[00:41:59] Give myself a...

[00:42:02] Huge hug...

[00:42:03] And a little...

[00:42:05] Trumpet signal...

[00:42:07] And a little crown...

[00:42:09] Prom...

[00:42:10] Prom king crown...

[00:42:13] To salute that I...

[00:42:16] Were creative...

[00:42:18] And strong enough...

[00:42:18] To make it through those years...

[00:42:20] Because I think that...

[00:42:22] If I had been a little weaker...

[00:42:24] And if my parents hadn't been there...

[00:42:26] I would have died...

[00:42:27] And that's not...

[00:42:30] Adding a lot of drama...

[00:42:32] To something quite mundane...

[00:42:34] It's...

[00:42:34] The truth...

[00:42:38] I would not be alive today...

[00:42:42] And then...

[00:42:43] Well...

[00:42:44] First of all...

[00:42:44] Let me just say that...

[00:42:46] I was lucky...

[00:42:48] And I was strong...

[00:42:49] And I had great parents...

[00:42:51] Think of all the people...

[00:42:53] That doesn't have that...

[00:42:58] I mean...

[00:43:01] Great parents...

[00:43:03] Inner strength...

[00:43:05] And...

[00:43:06] Lucky stars...

[00:43:07] It's very...

[00:43:09] Rare...

[00:43:10] I guess...

[00:43:10] For all of those things...

[00:43:12] To be...

[00:43:14] Combinated...

[00:43:15] Combined...

[00:43:17] So...

[00:43:20] Bullying really...

[00:43:22] Destroys people's lives...

[00:43:24] In a very...

[00:43:25] Very real sense...

[00:43:27] That's number one...

[00:43:31] And I forgot number two...

[00:43:33] Because I don't really know why I'm talking about this...

[00:43:38] Yeah...

[00:43:39] I was talking about success...

[00:43:41] I could only really enjoy...

[00:43:45] My own success...

[00:43:47] As a person...

[00:43:48] And as an actor...

[00:43:50] When I was...

[00:43:52] Quite drunk...

[00:43:53] To be honest...

[00:43:55] I felt like I...

[00:43:58] Deserved...

[00:44:00] Fame...

[00:44:01] And...

[00:44:03] Appreciation...

[00:44:05] But I couldn't...

[00:44:07] Live out that...

[00:44:09] Emotion...

[00:44:09] If I weren't...

[00:44:13] At least...

[00:44:14] Tipsy...

[00:44:15] You know...

[00:44:16] This feels very...

[00:44:20] Awkward...

[00:44:20] And...

[00:44:21] Embarrassing...

[00:44:22] To talk about...

[00:44:24] I also suffered a great deal from anxiety...

[00:44:28] And panic attacks...

[00:44:29] And...

[00:44:30] Alcohol...

[00:44:31] Help with that...

[00:44:31] A lot...

[00:44:33] I mean...

[00:44:34] I must say that alcohol is a great drug...

[00:44:37] I mean...

[00:44:38] There are...

[00:44:40] There are...

[00:44:41] So much...

[00:44:42] Downsides to it though...

[00:44:44] And that's the problem...

[00:44:45] I mean if...

[00:44:47] If there were no downsides...

[00:44:49] And if there were no harmful aspects of this drug...

[00:44:52] I would use it everyday...

[00:44:54] All the time...

[00:44:55] I mean it's...

[00:44:56] It's such a great...

[00:45:01] Stimulant...

[00:45:02] But unfortunately...

[00:45:03] It does stuff to you...

[00:45:06] That...

[00:45:08] Is truly...

[00:45:09] Hurtful...

[00:45:10] In the words...

[00:45:11] Most...

[00:45:12] Significant way...

[00:45:15] Significant meaning...

[00:45:17] So I'm not doing that anymore...

[00:45:19] I decided that...

[00:45:20] I was over that...

[00:45:22] So I quit...

[00:45:24] And that...

[00:45:25] I quit in the right...

[00:45:26] At the right time...

[00:45:27] I think...

[00:45:27] Because if I had continued...

[00:45:29] I...

[00:45:29] I don't...

[00:45:30] Really know...

[00:45:31] What I've...

[00:45:33] Had...

[00:45:33] Turned out to be...

[00:45:37] Maybe I wouldn't have been able to...

[00:45:39] Climb out of that hole...

[00:45:41] That I...

[00:45:41] Dug for myself...

[00:45:44] But that's...

[00:45:45] I mean...

[00:45:46] Talking about sinking into darkness...

[00:45:52] I guess...

[00:46:01] There's so much going on...

[00:46:03] Sleepy...

[00:46:04] And I really...

[00:46:06] I really feel so thankful for so much...

[00:46:11] But I can also feel this...

[00:46:13] Great grief...

[00:46:16] About all the stuff that I...

[00:46:19] Never did or left behind...

[00:46:23] Like for instance...

[00:46:25] Did you know that...

[00:46:26] I was a child like 16 seconds ago...

[00:46:31] And now all of a sudden...

[00:46:33] I'm an almost 50 year old man...

[00:46:37] And...

[00:46:38] My daughter is growing up...

[00:46:40] And I'm just...

[00:46:42] Sitting here now...

[00:46:46] And I genuinely feel like...

[00:46:47] What the fuck happened?

[00:46:49] You know...

[00:46:49] Sorry for being...

[00:46:51] Profound...

[00:46:52] Using profanity...

[00:46:54] I mean...

[00:46:55] What the...

[00:46:59] What the freak...

[00:47:00] What the fudge happened?

[00:47:01] And...

[00:47:04] And there's so much...

[00:47:05] I...

[00:47:07] Well...

[00:47:08] You can't get away from that...

[00:47:10] Though...

[00:47:11] I think...

[00:47:12] The fact that you leave stuff behind...

[00:47:14] Because you can't take anything really with you...

[00:47:17] Through the years...

[00:47:18] But I'm thinking about...

[00:47:20] This snowy field...

[00:47:22] Back in the village...

[00:47:24] Well...

[00:47:24] This was actually the neighboring village...

[00:47:26] From where I grew up...

[00:47:28] And...

[00:47:30] I was playing...

[00:47:32] On this snowy field with my friend...

[00:47:36] And she was...

[00:47:37] One year older than me...

[00:47:40] And...

[00:47:41] She had like...

[00:47:46] She'd been...

[00:47:47] She'd...

[00:47:48] She'd lived...

[00:47:49] She had lived...

[00:47:50] You know...

[00:47:52] As far as...

[00:47:53] As far as...

[00:47:56] Our...

[00:47:57] Understanding went...

[00:47:58] So she was...

[00:48:00] The leader...

[00:48:01] When we played...

[00:48:03] And...

[00:48:05] I remember the day...

[00:48:07] Turning dark...

[00:48:08] Because it was winter...

[00:48:11] And...

[00:48:12] We were just...

[00:48:14] So...

[00:48:15] In the game...

[00:48:17] In the...

[00:48:18] Play...

[00:48:20] I don't remember what the...

[00:48:22] What the...

[00:48:23] What we played...

[00:48:24] But it was like a role...

[00:48:26] Playing thing...

[00:48:27] Where we were different people...

[00:48:29] And I remember that we actually were those people...

[00:48:34] And...

[00:48:37] I remember...

[00:48:39] It was like this very...

[00:48:41] Exciting thing...

[00:48:43] To be...

[00:48:44] Playing with...

[00:48:46] A girl...

[00:48:49] I...

[00:48:50] Had a lot of...

[00:48:52] Girlfriends...

[00:48:54] But...

[00:48:56] This...

[00:48:57] Girl was...

[00:48:58] I mean...

[00:48:59] I guess I was at that age when it became significant...

[00:49:04] The gender...

[00:49:06] Roles...

[00:49:06] You know...

[00:49:07] So I remember it being very...

[00:49:11] Exciting...

[00:49:13] But still so very free and playful...

[00:49:16] And...

[00:49:17] We ran across this...

[00:49:19] What do you call it?

[00:49:20] When the snow is very hard...

[00:49:22] So you can walk on it...

[00:49:24] Like...

[00:49:26] It's...

[00:49:26] Below...

[00:49:27] Below zero...

[00:49:29] So it's like...

[00:49:30] In terms of degrees...

[00:49:32] So it's like...

[00:49:34] It's minus...

[00:49:35] 30 degrees or something...

[00:49:38] So it's...

[00:49:41] You can walk...

[00:49:43] On the snow...

[00:49:44] So we ran and...

[00:49:45] Sometimes we would just plunge through the snow...

[00:49:49] The surface of this snow and just...

[00:49:52] Sink down to our ankles and...

[00:49:54] You know...

[00:49:55] You remember just running in this dark winter night...

[00:49:58] And being so happy and so free and above you...

[00:50:00] There are stars...

[00:50:02] And those stars are like...

[00:50:04] Throwing themselves at you with an intensity that's not really real...

[00:50:11] And everything you experience goes right to the core of you...

[00:50:17] The play...

[00:50:19] The game...

[00:50:21] Her hair in the night...

[00:50:23] Our laughter...

[00:50:26] Our rolls...

[00:50:28] The ice-cold wind...

[00:50:31] And the hard...

[00:50:33] Packed snow...

[00:50:34] That sometimes break...

[00:50:35] With this crunchy sound...

[00:50:38] And the fact that...

[00:50:40] Your parents are going to come and pick you up eventually...

[00:50:43] And drive you home...

[00:50:45] And you're going to have supper...

[00:50:47] Just put in front of you...

[00:50:50] And then you...

[00:50:52] You're going to go to sleep...

[00:50:53] And you're going to fall asleep like...

[00:50:56] Immediately...

[00:50:58] Because you're tired...

[00:50:59] And you're a child...

[00:51:01] And you don't have anything to worry about...

[00:51:03] Except for stuff that your mom and dad can just kiss away...

[00:51:08] And everything...

[00:51:10] You experience...

[00:51:12] Goes...

[00:51:12] Right into the core of you...

[00:51:16] I so miss that...

[00:51:18] Sleepy...

[00:51:18] I do...

[00:51:19] I was out...

[00:51:21] Walking...

[00:51:22] And I thought to myself...

[00:51:25] Is this just the season?

[00:51:28] Or is it my eyes...

[00:51:30] My eyesight getting worse?

[00:51:31] Or is it...

[00:51:33] A part of...

[00:51:34] Growing up...

[00:51:35] And becoming middle-aged...

[00:51:37] That...

[00:51:37] The world around you seems so much...

[00:51:40] Less important...

[00:51:44] Like...

[00:51:45] The...

[00:51:46] Trees and...

[00:51:49] The sky and the clouds and...

[00:51:52] The colors...

[00:51:54] Overall...

[00:51:55] It just...

[00:51:56] They seem more dull...

[00:51:58] More grey...

[00:51:59] Like they don't matter...

[00:52:01] Like they're...

[00:52:03] Like there's some background...

[00:52:06] And I guess...

[00:52:08] That comes with the territory...

[00:52:09] Because you've seen it all before...

[00:52:11] Like a million times...

[00:52:12] And when you're a child...

[00:52:14] You haven't seen it...

[00:52:17] And...

[00:52:17] You still run into stuff that you haven't seen...

[00:52:23] But that really...

[00:52:24] That really makes me sad...

[00:52:27] To think about that...

[00:52:31] It's actually...

[00:52:35] A greyer world...

[00:52:36] When you're a grown-up...

[00:52:40] But...

[00:52:41] Because I don't believe...

[00:52:43] That's...

[00:52:44] That it...

[00:52:44] I don't believe it needs to be that way...

[00:52:47] But I don't know how to escape this...

[00:52:51] Greyness...

[00:52:54] Sometimes I feel like I...

[00:52:57] Burst through...

[00:52:59] But it's short moments...

[00:53:01] You know...

[00:53:02] Most of the time as a grown-up...

[00:53:04] You go through this...

[00:53:07] Well I don't want to be dramatic...

[00:53:09] But...

[00:53:09] But it's...

[00:53:10] This...

[00:53:13] Grey...

[00:53:14] Tunnel...

[00:53:15] I know it sounds horrible...

[00:53:18] But I...

[00:53:19] I think...

[00:53:20] I really think Sleepy...

[00:53:21] That it's...

[00:53:22] It doesn't have to be that way...

[00:53:24] You can...

[00:53:26] You can choose to go outside of that tunnel...

[00:53:29] But I guess it takes...

[00:53:31] It has...

[00:53:32] It comes with a...

[00:53:33] Price tag...

[00:53:34] Attached...

[00:53:35] I guess...

[00:53:39] Maybe that's what alcohol did for me...

[00:53:42] It...

[00:53:43] Colored the world...

[00:53:45] Yeah...

[00:53:46] It did...

[00:53:48] It didn't make the world become...

[00:53:51] More clear though...

[00:53:54] So...

[00:53:54] It wasn't at all...

[00:53:55] Like when I was playing with my friend on that snowy field back in the 80s...

[00:53:59] It was...

[00:54:05] But the...

[00:54:07] Emotions...

[00:54:08] And the colors just came...

[00:54:10] You know...

[00:54:10] And stayed with me...

[00:54:11] And...

[00:54:11] Created these...

[00:54:14] Bubbles of...

[00:54:15] Soft comfort...

[00:54:19] And...

[00:54:20] This...

[00:54:21] Pure...

[00:54:24] Screaming joy...

[00:54:26] Of being...

[00:54:29] You know...

[00:54:30] A success...

[00:54:32] Because all of us that are to...

[00:54:34] All of us that are alive...

[00:54:37] You know...

[00:54:38] Should really consider ourselves...

[00:54:41] Successes...

[00:54:42] You know...

[00:54:44] We're...

[00:54:45] You...

[00:54:45] And I...

[00:54:46] Sleepy...

[00:54:46] We are a success...

[00:54:49] We're a freaking success story...

[00:54:52] Because we live here...

[00:54:54] We make it through the day...

[00:54:56] In this disaster called life...

[00:54:58] And it's not a bad thing...

[00:55:02] Life...

[00:55:03] Was a disaster to begin with...

[00:55:05] It's not our fault...

[00:55:06] It's not...

[00:55:07] It's not...

[00:55:08] We can begin each day by...

[00:55:11] Gathering the debris around us...

[00:55:13] And build something beautiful...

[00:55:15] And if we're lucky...

[00:55:17] What we build with this debris...

[00:55:19] Stays for a few days...

[00:55:21] Around us...

[00:55:23] Until entropy...

[00:55:24] Just tears it all down again...

[00:55:26] And that's just the way it is...

[00:55:28] You know...

[00:55:31] But we have...

[00:55:32] We have like...

[00:55:32] We can be fortunate enough to stay under...

[00:55:35] Like...

[00:55:36] The roof we built for us...

[00:55:37] By the...

[00:55:38] With this debris...

[00:55:40] For...

[00:55:42] Maybe a few years...

[00:55:44] Maybe...

[00:55:44] One second...

[00:55:47] And...

[00:55:48] I mean...

[00:55:49] It's a joyful thing...

[00:55:50] And we're a freaking success story...

[00:55:52] For doing it...

[00:55:53] For managing it...

[00:55:55] Again and again and again...

[00:55:57] And...

[00:55:57] I'm not trying to say that life is a struggle...

[00:56:00] Because it's a very boring way of looking at things...

[00:56:04] I mean that...

[00:56:05] It's a success...

[00:56:06] That it's as easy as it is...

[00:56:08] Although life is such a disaster...

[00:56:11] You know...

[00:56:12] By origin...

[00:56:13] I mean...

[00:56:16] Even for...

[00:56:17] Take...

[00:56:17] Even taking one breath...

[00:56:19] Is really a success story...

[00:56:22] Considering that...

[00:56:24] Outside this...

[00:56:26] Egg shell thin...

[00:56:28] Atmosphere...

[00:56:29] That is above us...

[00:56:31] There are just...

[00:56:32] As far as anyone knows...

[00:56:34] Nothing...

[00:56:36] Alive...

[00:56:36] Nothing...

[00:56:39] For thousands and thousands and thousands...

[00:56:43] Of kilometers...

[00:56:44] Millions of kilometers...

[00:56:48] Maybe...

[00:56:48] Light years...

[00:56:52] No life...

[00:56:55] Just...

[00:56:56] Void...

[00:56:57] Emptiness...

[00:56:58] Or...

[00:56:59] If not...

[00:57:00] Total emptiness...

[00:57:01] Then just...

[00:57:02] You know...

[00:57:02] What good is it even to think about...

[00:57:06] Random particles in vacuum...

[00:57:09] You know...

[00:57:11] You and I...

[00:57:12] We are alive...

[00:57:16] And...

[00:57:17] Like a centimeter away from us...

[00:57:19] For...

[00:57:22] As far as we know...

[00:57:24] Nothing is alive...

[00:57:27] Like for an eternity maybe...

[00:57:28] We don't know...

[00:57:31] And...

[00:57:33] Right now...

[00:57:34] You and I...

[00:57:35] Are alive...

[00:57:38] At the same time...

[00:57:42] And we really should be celebrating that...

[00:57:45] More often...

[00:57:46] In terms of...

[00:57:47] Putting a party together...

[00:57:49] Well you can do that too...

[00:57:50] If you want to...

[00:57:52] I'm talking about this very still...

[00:57:57] Overwhelming joy that you get from...

[00:57:59] Well you know...

[00:58:00] Maybe just...

[00:58:02] Feeling the sun in your face...

[00:58:04] If you haven't felt that for a long time...

[00:58:07] Or...

[00:58:08] Hugging your child...

[00:58:09] If you haven't done that in a long time...

[00:58:13] My daughter...

[00:58:14] Hugged me the other day...

[00:58:16] And I...

[00:58:17] Had to really strain myself from...

[00:58:19] For not falling...

[00:58:21] Into tears...

[00:58:22] Because...

[00:58:23] It's been a while now...

[00:58:24] She's a teenager...

[00:58:25] And she...

[00:58:26] Doesn't normally...

[00:58:27] Hug me anymore...

[00:58:29] And...

[00:58:29] Well she does...

[00:58:31] But it's a very...

[00:58:34] Shallow...

[00:58:34] Hug...

[00:58:35] It does...

[00:58:35] It's not really a hug...

[00:58:36] You know...

[00:58:37] But...

[00:58:37] The other day she gave me a real hug...

[00:58:41] And...

[00:58:41] I mean...

[00:58:42] I...

[00:58:43] Had to...

[00:58:46] You know...

[00:58:47] Keep it together...

[00:58:49] Not to spook her...

[00:58:51] But I really wanted to cry...

[00:58:53] Because it felt so...

[00:58:56] Wonderful...

[00:58:58] It felt like...

[00:58:59] When she was sick...

[00:59:00] Baby again...

[00:59:04] I keep talking about that...

[00:59:06] I...

[00:59:07] I keep talking about...

[00:59:08] How I miss...

[00:59:09] The baby years...

[00:59:11] Actually I...

[00:59:12] I kind of miss...

[00:59:14] I kind of miss that...

[00:59:16] But...

[00:59:17] Not really...

[00:59:18] It's so cool...

[00:59:20] To have a teenage...

[00:59:22] Child...

[00:59:23] It's so cool...

[00:59:25] To see that she's opening doors...

[00:59:28] That...

[00:59:30] I've never opened...

[00:59:33] And...

[00:59:33] To see her...

[00:59:37] Going through that doors...

[00:59:40] For longer and longer periods of time...

[00:59:43] Without...

[00:59:44] Checking in with me...

[00:59:45] Without...

[00:59:46] Needing my guidance...

[00:59:48] And...

[00:59:49] I think it's such a cool thing...

[00:59:52] That I...

[00:59:53] I've been a part of...

[00:59:57] Creating that person...

[00:59:59] Giving her a...

[01:00:02] Launchpad...

[01:00:02] And...

[01:00:03] And now she's off...

[01:00:05] You know...

[01:00:06] Into space...

[01:00:09] And...

[01:00:10] That's...

[01:00:11] Really beautiful...

[01:00:17] So I don't know what this episode really became...

[01:00:20] But if I'm lucky...

[01:00:21] You're asleep...

[01:00:22] So you didn't have to...

[01:00:24] You didn't have to muster...

[01:00:26] This...

[01:00:27] Unqualified content...

[01:00:29] But I feel pride in...

[01:00:32] Declaring this podcast...

[01:00:34] And it's episodes...

[01:00:35] Non-content...

[01:00:38] Because...

[01:00:38] That's what it is...

[01:00:40] I'm not trying to...

[01:00:41] Entertain you...

[01:00:43] I'm not trying to...

[01:00:45] Bore you...

[01:00:45] I'm just me...

[01:00:47] And...

[01:00:48] It is what it is...