Chaotic Cows and Screaming Roosters

[00:00:00] Hi Sleepy, just a very quick note before we start today's episode. Do you want to listen to this podcast without the ads? Then you absolutely can. Just subscribe to Fall Asleep with Henrik Plus and to do so you can just click the link in the podcast description and it'll be fixed. See you there.

[00:00:23] Hi and welcome to Fall Asleep with Henrik. I am Henrik and you are Sleepy and it is what it is. What happens happens and right now there's nothing we can do about it. So let's go.

[00:00:47] Hi Sleepy. Welcome to my hour of nonsensical chaos. That's right. I want to begin this episode by thanking all of you who reached out to tell me how to pronounce the word chaos because it's been a real genuine struggle of mine to

[00:01:21] wrap my brain around how to pronounce that particular word. In Swedish chaos is pronounced

[00:01:31] cows which yeah it's apparent what that means to you in English and I don't know about you but there's very little

[00:01:41] resemblance when you have a real resemblance when talking about chaos and cows because cows are really very non-chaotical,

[00:01:54] non-chaotic creatures or maybe they are right like really chaotic. What if cows are actually one of the most chaotic creatures on earth?

[00:02:09] What if they are you know walking around the fields with like a million thoughts in their minds and a million impulses and they start eating grass or whatever

[00:02:27] and then they just see like a cloud that's formed in the shape of a, I don't know, something that's dangerous to cows?

[00:02:37] What's dangerous to cows? Except chaos. So before I move this along, if you're a new Sleepy, if you're new to this podcast, my name is Henrik and I am a 49 year old from Sweden, Stockholm, Sweden.

[00:03:04] And I am 172 centimeters above ground and I am 172 centimeters above ground and I am an actor and a podcaster and a writer and a playwright.

[00:03:22] And I don't know what you call it. And I don't know what you call it when you write operas, but I have written a few operas.

[00:03:30] And, but I can't write music. So I've written the libretto. I think it's called even in English, libretto.

[00:03:41] I've written the libretto for three operas and I also directed three operas.

[00:03:50] I think it's the correct way of putting it. So opera is like this subdivision of my entire business.

[00:04:07] Sorry, but I make a living out of this podcast or rather the Swedish equivalent of this podcast.

[00:04:15] And I've been putting people to sleep in Sweden and Norway and Finland for since 2018.

[00:04:25] I want to thank you for reaching out and writing to me, telling me what the podcast means to you or doesn't mean to you.

[00:04:38] And I want to thank you for all the positive reviews that you left on iTunes and or Apple Podcaster and Spotify.

[00:04:49] Or wherever you listen to your podcasts, I can read the reviews on, on Apple and Spotify.

[00:04:59] If you want, you can follow me on Instagram. I'm fall asleep with Hendrik on Instagram and also on YouTube.

[00:05:07] I don't do very much there right now, except showing you my life as it is right now.

[00:05:16] And this little house outside Stockholm, Sweden, right in the middle of a nature reserve.

[00:05:23] I live in this nature reserve. That's an old, I don't know the English word for it, but in Swedish it's called Fidekomis, which is like a fancy way of saying this is a noble family that owns this land.

[00:05:46] And it's inherited by the oldest son forever and ever and ever and ever and you can't ever sell this land.

[00:05:54] So the forests around us here are mainly nature reserve, but also this Fidekomis.

[00:06:09] So that means that there will be no new buildings around us, which is good.

[00:06:18] I mean for us, because then we get to keep the peace that nature provides right outside our window.

[00:06:26] But the bad thing is that if this particular noble family decides that, well, our part of this land will be a new housing project or whatever, they can do it.

[00:06:44] They can do whatever they want because it's their land, you know.

[00:06:48] So it's a double-edged sword to be living like this.

[00:06:54] And also it's a very, it's, I don't think these types of ownership is even legal anymore.

[00:07:01] I think that these ways of making sure that money and land and buildings are within the family forever and ever are, well, not illegal, but I don't think it's permitted anymore to decide that this land should be this kind of a land forever anymore.

[00:07:28] And I mean, the inheritance of the oldest son and all that.

[00:07:34] It seems unfashioned, unfashioned.

[00:07:44] So hi, Sleepy.

[00:07:48] This is a podcast meant to put you to sleep.

[00:07:53] I'm not going to talk about anything particular, but then again, I might.

[00:08:00] I'm not trying to bore you, but on the other hand, I'm not.

[00:08:04] Trying to entertain you either.

[00:08:06] Well, if I'm doing something, I guess the closest thing, the closest word you would use to describe it is that I'm trying to entertain you, I guess.

[00:08:22] But I'm doing it without any preparation or without writing anything down in advance.

[00:08:30] And I'm also not really fluent in English, although I'm getting kind of better, I think.

[00:08:41] I don't, I didn't expect this.

[00:08:46] So all of this started, well, the dream of this started like ages ago.

[00:08:54] Really, since I first started my Swedish version of this podcast in 2018, I started to fantasize about what it would be like to reach a wider audience.

[00:09:06] Since this concept is not really dependent on any particular material.

[00:09:13] I just talk.

[00:09:17] And, sorry, I'm really sorry.

[00:09:21] Today my throat is kind of, well, messy.

[00:09:27] And that's because I've been screaming my lungs out to pedestrians on the road today.

[00:09:33] Because I, every day, I go down to the main road here in the suburb where I live and I scream to pedestrians.

[00:09:44] Because, why not, you know?

[00:09:46] I mean, because I can.

[00:09:48] Why do people do stuff?

[00:09:52] Well, mainly because they can, you know?

[00:09:54] And I can, I can go down to the main road and I can write, write letters to them and pass them on.

[00:10:01] And I can also scream from the top of my lungs.

[00:10:04] And I tend to scream like really weird things.

[00:10:08] Like, my mother is a burglar from Boston.

[00:10:11] Or, won't you come in for a cup of tea, love?

[00:10:18] By the way, I was in London last week with my family.

[00:10:23] And, well, except being in London, like this major shopping city with my teenage daughter was like this.

[00:10:35] Don't get me wrong.

[00:10:36] I love her from, with my whole being.

[00:10:39] And I would go to the end of the world for her.

[00:10:41] But as far as shopping goes, I think I'm quite close to the actual end of the world because I freaking hate it.

[00:10:50] And we went up and down Oxford Street for, well, the one whole day, I think.

[00:10:58] And that was like this horrible experience.

[00:11:03] But it's, I mean, it's amazing to see how, how much it, how much she enjoys it.

[00:11:12] And I thought I'd hang on to that.

[00:11:18] So she bought a pair of Dr. Martens.

[00:11:23] She looks so cool wearing them.

[00:11:26] And also a bunch of other stuff.

[00:11:30] And, well, that wasn't the thing I was going to tell you about.

[00:11:33] The thing I was going to tell you about is that we went to Brick Road or Brick Lane, I don't remember.

[00:11:44] In Shortage.

[00:11:47] And there was this bagel shop.

[00:11:52] So I went in there because my daughter and her mother was hungry.

[00:11:58] And they were both busy shopping.

[00:12:01] So I thought, instead of just sitting on the street looking like a homeless person,

[00:12:06] I decided to do some good and to buy them food because I realized they would need that.

[00:12:14] So I went into this bagel shop and I stood in line for like, I don't know, 20 minutes or something.

[00:12:21] It was a really long queue out on the street.

[00:12:25] And when I got to order, I ordered my food, three bagels.

[00:12:35] And then I waited.

[00:12:37] And then there was this really harsh older woman with blonde, messy hair.

[00:12:45] She was so charming and she was like, she was giving orders and laughing at people and stuff.

[00:12:51] And she was kind of stern, but still very warm, you know, that type.

[00:12:58] And every now and then she took breaks and she went out to the street and she,

[00:13:02] she like smoked one whole cigarette in like one minute.

[00:13:08] And she coughed like she was going to cough up a lung.

[00:13:11] And then she went back right in and she was like continuing with the bagels.

[00:13:16] And she asked me while I was in line waiting for my order.

[00:13:20] She asked me, what are you doing here?

[00:13:24] What are you waiting for?

[00:13:25] Like in this very stern way.

[00:13:29] And I, I became, I got somewhat scared.

[00:13:35] Because I don't really feel comfortable with people asking me stuff like in that upfront way.

[00:13:43] I guess it's a Swedish thing in a way.

[00:13:46] We don't, I don't know really.

[00:13:48] Maybe we're all different or I know rather we're all different.

[00:13:54] But she, she approached me like this.

[00:13:57] What are you waiting for?

[00:13:59] Like I was doing something wrong and being the one.

[00:14:04] Being the way that I am, I immediately responded like, no, I'm, I'm sorry.

[00:14:11] I, I just, I, I'm waiting.

[00:14:12] And then I saw that she was like, she was playing with me.

[00:14:18] And then I left.

[00:14:20] In the beginning I left because I wanted to laugh, but then she left.

[00:14:24] And then it was this common laughter thing.

[00:14:28] And I really enjoyed that.

[00:14:30] And I, I really felt like a meeting in a way, two people meeting each other.

[00:14:40] So I, and then I felt a bit encouraged.

[00:14:46] So I told her that, uh, and also I'm waiting for my bagels to be ready.

[00:14:52] And then I, I added that I'm also waiting for my luck to change.

[00:14:58] Like as a joke.

[00:14:59] And then she laughed.

[00:15:01] And then she said, um, well, give me a call when it, when it does love.

[00:15:07] And I really love the, the, the, that expression to refer to people as love.

[00:15:13] I would like to start implementing that into my own routine.

[00:15:21] There is no Swedish way of saying that without making people feel uncomfortable.

[00:15:31] Calling people love, like someone you don't know.

[00:15:36] In Swedish, that would be impossible.

[00:15:40] I think, I mean, you can't really, you can't really call.

[00:15:47] Anyone, anything without paying very close attention to whom you were talking to.

[00:15:57] So with whom you're talking, I couldn't say love to anyone.

[00:16:06] Really like the Swedish word for that would be.

[00:16:11] Like.

[00:16:13] Elskling, which is more like darling.

[00:16:17] Elskling.

[00:16:18] And if I call someone elskling, some random person in a line in my store, I will be arrested, you know?

[00:16:27] No, maybe not arrested, but people would be offended by that.

[00:16:32] So there are some places where you can probably do that with strangers, but it's not a lot of places.

[00:16:39] So we don't really have those types of giving each other etiquettes or names.

[00:16:53] Sometimes I get referred to as mister, like the English word mister by people.

[00:17:00] But those, the ones who call me that in restaurants and services, other services and stuff are typically not original born and raised Swedes.

[00:17:16] Maybe like lad would be something that is okay in some, I've been called lad, but the Swedish word grabben, boy, like young, young man.

[00:17:33] But it's so very rare.

[00:17:37] I don't really remember being called anything as a grown-up.

[00:17:45] I don't know why I'm telling you this story.

[00:17:49] Oh, and actually today is kind of a big day for me because today my book arrived in a package.

[00:18:00] You know, when you release a book, it's, um, first you get like 20 copies of your own, uh, sent to your house or to your address.

[00:18:15] And it's because every author gets like a few copies of his or her own book.

[00:18:22] And so for me, they arrived today.

[00:18:29] And so far I have written three books and they're all in Swedish, unfortunately.

[00:18:36] But maybe one day I will be published in other languages, which would be really cool.

[00:18:43] And, um, so this one is about my upbringing and my time in high school as a bullied boy.

[00:18:53] And I've written it together with my co-author and friend, Titi Pashon.

[00:19:03] And it's, um, yeah, I never get used to the feeling of opening this package to see all these books inside.

[00:19:16] Although I've done it three times now and every time it feels like I'm this kid.

[00:19:22] I mean, getting gift, getting a gift, the gift of my life.

[00:19:30] I remember like the first time.

[00:19:36] No, I remember I had that feeling the first time I entered the Swedish state television main building here in Stockholm.

[00:19:44] I worked for almost 25 years with, I worked for 25 years within the Swedish state television in some forms, like not the same from beginning to end,

[00:20:02] but my different roles and jobs have shifted over the years.

[00:20:09] But I've, I've, um, always been there one way or another between 1997 and 20 to 2020, I think.

[00:20:22] So for four years I've been out in the cold and to be honest, those years have been like, well, maybe not the best years of my life,

[00:20:35] but it's up there in the top three, I think.

[00:20:41] Four years squeezed into, uh, into three years.

[00:20:48] So the first time I entered the, the main building of the Swedish state television here in Stockholm, I felt that.

[00:21:04] This is a dream.

[00:21:06] I'm dreaming.

[00:21:08] And then when I started to work at the Royal Theater here in Stockholm as well, like this really old, really imposing, honorable building for an actor to enter.

[00:21:25] And, uh, this is the home theater of Ingmar Bergman.

[00:21:31] And he was, uh, the boss in that, that building for quite a few years.

[00:21:38] And of course he's, his movies are like, yeah, they changed the whole industry in a way.

[00:21:48] And, uh, well, maybe not the industry, but definitely the art form and therefore in a way, the industry.

[00:21:57] And so I worked there for, well, maybe eight months, months or something.

[00:22:07] And I only did one play there.

[00:22:10] And, but those months was like, yeah, I trembled, you know?

[00:22:19] And then again, my first really major TV series, which was a crime show.

[00:22:31] This cozy crime show with, about this woman who solved crimes, but also was a, like this very famous chef.

[00:22:42] And it was such a bad show.

[00:22:46] Uh, and it really bombed, but I didn't care at the time because we were shooting it for almost a year.

[00:22:53] And I was one of the main characters in the show.

[00:22:56] And there were all famous actors playing with me in that.

[00:23:01] And it was such a thrill.

[00:23:04] I didn't know then that it would be, well, actually my last and only really big TV show for a wide Swedish audience.

[00:23:17] I haven't done that since.

[00:23:19] I haven't done any mainstream drama series stuff.

[00:23:26] Since then, I've only been doing my own stuff and children's television stuff.

[00:23:34] And also a lot of stage acting jobs.

[00:23:41] Nevermind, this wasn't supposed to be a rant about how I only got to do one major TV show.

[00:23:49] That's not my main purpose here.

[00:23:54] So that's one, one of the places in my life where I got that feeling.

[00:24:04] And also, of course, when I got to do my first feature film, also my only so far,

[00:24:13] I wrote a play about two children alone in space.

[00:24:22] And that play was picked up by a director called Ted.

[00:24:29] And Ted is like this really good sales pitch person.

[00:24:35] So he went around and he got money to make a movie out of it, out of my play.

[00:24:41] So we wrote a screenplay together.

[00:24:44] And that was also my first screenplay.

[00:24:47] But still, the feeling hadn't really manifested itself.

[00:24:53] And then I never thought that we would see the whole project through.

[00:24:59] I mean, making a feature is, I mean, it's years of your life.

[00:25:07] And it may turn out to be just air, you know, nothing.

[00:25:12] But it went through the whole way.

[00:25:15] And all of a sudden we were in production and I was going to play this alien character in the story.

[00:25:24] Which was, the mask was amazing.

[00:25:27] It was animatronics.

[00:25:28] So my eyes were controlled by this different guy.

[00:25:35] And so the acting part was somewhat different than what I'm used to because my face was totally covered.

[00:25:47] And then that feeling arose.

[00:25:51] You know, I'm dreaming.

[00:25:52] I'm here with a team of 100 people and other actors and like this million dollar budget.

[00:26:04] And we're here together because I wrote a play when my daughter was just a baby.

[00:26:12] And now several years later, I'm here with all this, you know, fuss around it.

[00:26:24] And then I got to pinch myself.

[00:26:27] And of course, then the film, I mean, it has its good parts.

[00:26:32] I'm not going to say anything else.

[00:26:34] But it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to turn out because making a feature I learned bitterly is about compromising.

[00:26:44] And the people and forces that you are compromising with is really don't, they really don't care about the content.

[00:26:55] They don't really care about quality and story and color.

[00:27:03] You know, how you color a story, what type of emotion you want to fill your story with.

[00:27:09] And they only care about how this movie can make as much money as possible.

[00:27:18] And that meant editing out and changing the scripts in editing in ways that, I mean, they were totally unacceptable to me.

[00:27:29] But I couldn't do anything about it because I had sold the rights, you know.

[00:27:35] So that's one thing I'm never going to do again.

[00:27:40] I'm never going to sell my work and then keep being a part of it.

[00:27:49] I could sell my work, but then I would want nothing to do with it.

[00:27:54] I mean, and then the sum they would have to pay me to just give it up would be significantly larger.

[00:28:03] So that I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore and just let it go.

[00:28:08] Because I don't think that what you create is holy, you know.

[00:28:16] I don't believe in the inhabited holiness in artistic projects or products.

[00:28:27] I believe like it's just a piece of art, you know.

[00:28:33] It's just a piece of content.

[00:28:34] And maybe other people got really great experiences from that film that I didn't see or hear or experience.

[00:28:49] So, I mean, who's to say that I am the...

[00:28:55] Who's to say that I should be the judge of what people are going to see or hear or experience?

[00:29:02] I shouldn't.

[00:29:03] Or, I mean, if I should...

[00:29:08] Well, let me put it this way.

[00:29:11] If I ever were to be a part of this type of giant project again, I would demand like total control.

[00:29:24] Otherwise, I don't think I want to be a part of it as long as it's my story.

[00:29:29] You know, if I write another play, if I write another book.

[00:29:32] If someone would want to make a movie out of this new book, for instance, which is called I'm Just a Freaking Creep in English.

[00:29:44] And if someone were to be...

[00:29:48] Want to produce a feature or a show, TV show about...

[00:29:52] Based on this book, I would say, yeah, okay, then give me total control.

[00:30:02] And they...

[00:30:03] I mean, I am so anonymous and unproven that they would never do that.

[00:30:11] They would never give me total control.

[00:30:13] Because the economic incitements into this type of a production are too vast, you know?

[00:30:21] So why would they give me the benefit of a doubt, you know?

[00:30:30] So then I'm smoked.

[00:30:32] So my only way of going forward is to really just sell the rights and just leave it.

[00:30:42] I don't think that's wrong to do that.

[00:30:46] I wish I'd done that with the film Alone in Space.

[00:30:53] Because right now, it's my name, you know, on top of all this that I'm not pleased with.

[00:31:03] And that is the thing that hurts.

[00:31:05] If this was just some person's interpretation of my work and I had nothing to do with it,

[00:31:12] then it would be fine if I didn't like it.

[00:31:18] But I mean, maybe it's impossible for me to like someone else's interpretation of what I've dreamt of, you know?

[00:31:28] So it's either that or being like the showrunner for the whole production.

[00:31:40] I'm sorry, Sleepy.

[00:31:41] Did I...

[00:31:42] Did I...

[00:31:43] I don't want to bore you.

[00:31:45] I don't mean to bore you.

[00:31:47] Or maybe I am.

[00:31:48] I don't know.

[00:31:51] I really think that it's a tricky balance act to keep you both entertained and bored at the same time.

[00:32:09] And I really...

[00:32:11] Right now, I don't remember how I started this episode.

[00:32:17] So, yes, I was talking about cows with cows.

[00:32:24] Chaos.

[00:32:24] No, I forgot it again.

[00:32:26] Oh my God.

[00:32:27] What happened?

[00:32:28] Chaos.

[00:32:31] Chaos.

[00:32:33] Oh my God.

[00:32:34] I forgot it.

[00:32:36] I had rehearsed it beforehand.

[00:32:40] No, I haven't.

[00:32:42] Who am I kidding?

[00:32:44] Chaos.

[00:32:46] Yeah, well...

[00:32:47] Okay, so we're chaotic cows walking around on a meadow.

[00:32:51] That's how I started this episode.

[00:32:53] And wouldn't it be lovely to see more chaotic cows in the world?

[00:33:00] I mean, who do they think they are, really?

[00:33:03] They just stand there, you know, eating their grass or whatever they eat.

[00:33:10] I don't even know if there's any particular grass that cows love more than other types of grass.

[00:33:19] Like, do they love clover?

[00:33:22] And why?

[00:33:28] Why?

[00:33:28] I mean, if a cow walks out into a field and see this whole field filled with clover, do they feel like jackpot?

[00:33:39] And then do they, like, feel this, you know, if you're hungry and you feel, and you go, you pass a pizza stand with slices, you know, easily served.

[00:33:51] And you can just get one, like, instant.

[00:33:54] You don't have to sit down at a table and wait for someone to deliver this pizza for you.

[00:33:59] You can just order a slice and then move on with your life.

[00:34:03] I mean, does a cow get that feeling when it comes out to this meadow?

[00:34:14] Or do they ever get tired of the same food every day?

[00:34:23] I mean, I really want to know these things.

[00:34:25] Does a cow look at the grass and think to herself, not this again?

[00:34:34] Not this again.

[00:34:36] I mean, I thought life would offer me more than this.

[00:34:40] I thought life would give me, like, the occasional bluegrass, you know?

[00:34:49] I don't even know if there's such a plant.

[00:34:53] I know that bluegrass is a style of country music.

[00:35:03] So I don't know.

[00:35:07] I mean, to be a bored cow, a chaotic cow, would probably not be in the cow's best interest.

[00:35:17] I guess if you're bored and you're an animal in any way, of any form,

[00:35:30] I guess the conformity of your life would be rather troubling.

[00:35:35] Love, don't you think, love?

[00:35:40] Imagine being a chicken.

[00:35:44] And you wake up every day.

[00:35:48] If you're a hen, then of course you sit or whatever, lay on your eggs.

[00:35:56] Would you push them out in this most painful way?

[00:35:59] I can't imagine.

[00:36:00] Imagine pushing out an egg like that.

[00:36:04] And to keep doing it, like, your whole life.

[00:36:10] And then there's this rooster and he just walks around doing God knows what.

[00:36:16] I mean, of course I know he's supposed to be, like, guarding the chickens and the hens.

[00:36:22] But, I mean, if he lives on a farm, if the hens and the chickens and the rooster is a part of this farming facility,

[00:36:37] then there's nothing to guard them from.

[00:36:40] You know, there are no wild animals coming through the fence, at least not on a regular basis.

[00:36:46] And so he's just worthless.

[00:36:50] He doesn't do anything except, you know, from time to time.

[00:36:58] Yeah.

[00:37:01] Making, like, sweet love.

[00:37:05] Or I wouldn't call it that.

[00:37:07] I had, when I was a kid, we had hens and chickens and a rooster.

[00:37:14] And the rooster's way of creating new chickens, I mean, of course, in cooperation with the hens.

[00:37:21] But it's just that the word cooperation is not really pliable.

[00:37:27] Because it was more like this very violent occurrence.

[00:37:31] And there was a lot of chasing.

[00:37:34] And a lot of, like, aggression.

[00:37:37] So roosters are like, I'm sorry for saying it, but roosters are assholes.

[00:37:43] Douchebags and assholes.

[00:37:44] And I've never liked them.

[00:37:49] They could be, like, lovely in this romantic farm life simulation.

[00:37:55] But, I mean, they are like, yeah, shitheads.

[00:38:05] You can quote me on that one.

[00:38:07] Roosters are shitheads.

[00:38:09] Henrik Stål, 2024.

[00:38:13] And they look like psychopaths with their beady eyes.

[00:38:19] I mean, they blink, but not really, you know.

[00:38:23] And they, just the way they look at you.

[00:38:26] That so far from a gentle, loving stare.

[00:38:30] It's just this very emotionally cold, distant.

[00:38:35] And they are totally, really, literally a different species.

[00:38:41] They look at you like you're on another planet.

[00:38:47] If you landed on a planet far, far away,

[00:38:49] and the inhabitants of that particular planet got close to you and looked at you,

[00:38:54] they would look at you the same way that hens and roosters and other birds look at you.

[00:39:04] And you don't mean anything to them.

[00:39:07] They don't care, you know.

[00:39:10] If you're, like, walking around and you hit your foot really hard on, like, a tree or whatever,

[00:39:17] and it hurts so bad, like, you see, like, flashes in front of your eyes,

[00:39:22] and it really hurts you.

[00:39:24] And maybe you start to cry because it's been very weird and it's been a hard day.

[00:39:35] And maybe you don't feel very well.

[00:39:38] Maybe you're coming down with something.

[00:39:41] And maybe someone at work said something hurtful.

[00:39:44] And maybe you feel like you are not enough in your father's eyes.

[00:39:50] He doesn't really love the person that you actually are.

[00:39:56] He loves some version of you that you will never be.

[00:40:00] And that hurts so bad that you tear up every time you think about it.

[00:40:04] And now this, now you hit your foot on this tree root.

[00:40:09] And then you turn around, sobbing, like, uncontrollably.

[00:40:13] Very uncontrollably.

[00:40:14] And you meet the eyes of this hen.

[00:40:18] And this hen just stares at you with that.

[00:40:22] Because it sees your tears.

[00:40:24] It sees your...

[00:40:26] And it hears your crying and sobbing.

[00:40:29] And it sees your...

[00:40:32] Maybe even registers your anxiety in a way.

[00:40:36] But it doesn't mean anything to it, to her.

[00:40:42] You're not important.

[00:40:43] Your feelings doesn't have any value.

[00:40:48] You're worthless in the eyes of a chicken.

[00:40:52] And that's really hurtful.

[00:40:55] But I don't think we should blame them.

[00:41:00] Because imagine...

[00:41:01] Imagine living the life of this...

[00:41:07] Mainstream farm life hen.

[00:41:10] You know, your only purpose in life...

[00:41:13] Is just laying there on your eggs.

[00:41:18] And then when there are chickens...

[00:41:21] You just keep laying new eggs.

[00:41:26] And...

[00:41:27] That's your life.

[00:41:29] And if you're a rooster...

[00:41:31] Your whole purpose is to walk around...

[00:41:34] Looking impulsant and...

[00:41:37] Aggressive.

[00:41:39] And from time to time...

[00:41:41] Just scream from the top of your lungs.

[00:41:44] Like, right...

[00:41:46] Without any really...

[00:41:48] Good reason.

[00:41:50] Just scream.

[00:41:53] And then just...

[00:41:55] Creating new chickens.

[00:41:57] And I don't mean creating like...

[00:41:59] That it's the rooster that is creating them.

[00:42:02] I know that's...

[00:42:04] Is...

[00:42:04] Is...

[00:42:05] I know it's a...

[00:42:06] It's a two thing.

[00:42:07] You know, you need to be two...

[00:42:09] Particular bird individuals to make this happen.

[00:42:12] So I'm not...

[00:42:14] I'm not an idiot.

[00:42:15] Or at least...

[00:42:16] Well, maybe I am an idiot.

[00:42:18] But at least I'm not an idiot in a sense that I don't know how...

[00:42:21] You know, life is created.

[00:42:23] I know that much.

[00:42:27] You know...

[00:42:30] Okay, so I was playing with the thought that I would be having the talk with you, sleepy.

[00:42:37] As a joke.

[00:42:39] You know, the talk that you have with the people growing up.

[00:42:44] At some point you need to have...

[00:42:46] You need to have the talk.

[00:42:48] But I'm not going to do that because...

[00:42:50] There are too many ways I could fail at this joke.

[00:42:54] And then it would just be...

[00:42:55] Plump and boring and maybe provoking.

[00:42:58] And I'm not going to do that.

[00:42:59] I don't want to take that risk...

[00:43:00] So early in my podcasting career in English.

[00:43:05] So I'm going to leave that for now.

[00:43:07] But please feel free to remind me that sometime in the future when I'm more...

[00:43:14] At home with this English podcasting project.

[00:43:18] Please remind me to do an episode called The Talk.

[00:43:24] That would be nice.

[00:43:25] I mean, it would...

[00:43:26] I mean, the talk doesn't have to be about reproduction.

[00:43:33] Reproduction.

[00:43:34] Recre...

[00:43:36] Procreating.

[00:43:36] It doesn't have to be about just that.

[00:43:39] It can be...

[00:43:40] I mean, you can have the talk about almost anything.

[00:43:44] I mean, you could have the talk about...

[00:43:50] Like...

[00:43:51] Oh, yeah.

[00:43:52] You could have the talk about like...

[00:43:54] Really important stuff.

[00:43:56] Like, why do you do what you do?

[00:44:00] Like, why do you...

[00:44:02] Why do you keep making the same mistakes over and over again?

[00:44:06] Why does your voice...

[00:44:10] Your inner voice...

[00:44:12] Keep saying...

[00:44:14] This...

[00:44:15] Line...

[00:44:17] Why...

[00:44:18] Do you keep describing yourself like this...

[00:44:21] Or like that...

[00:44:23] To everyone you meet...

[00:44:27] When it's not true anymore...

[00:44:31] That person that you're describing is no longer existing.

[00:44:37] It's...

[00:44:39] It's gone.

[00:44:40] I think about that a lot...

[00:44:45] Regarding my own life and my own person.

[00:44:49] I tend to describe myself using outdated words and images.

[00:44:59] I tend to be...

[00:45:06] Really...

[00:45:07] Unprecise...

[00:45:09] When...

[00:45:10] Telling people who I am.

[00:45:12] So I'm going to attempt to do this now.

[00:45:15] Since it's like this...

[00:45:18] It feels almost fresh...

[00:45:20] To do it in English.

[00:45:22] Because then...

[00:45:23] All my...

[00:45:24] Necessary tools for describing myself...

[00:45:28] My language...

[00:45:29] My go-to words...

[00:45:31] Are unusable to me...

[00:45:33] Because they are all in Swedish.

[00:45:37] So...

[00:45:38] How would I describe myself to you?

[00:45:42] You...

[00:45:42] And I'm...

[00:45:43] Particularly talking to you...

[00:45:45] Sleepy...

[00:45:46] Who don't know anything about me.

[00:45:48] If you...

[00:45:49] If you're from Sweden...

[00:45:51] Then...

[00:45:51] You know me...

[00:45:53] In...

[00:45:54] Some way...

[00:45:55] Already.

[00:45:56] Maybe you even grew up with me on TV and stuff.

[00:46:00] And...

[00:46:01] So this is mainly for you...

[00:46:03] Who don't know anything about me...

[00:46:05] And...

[00:46:06] Don't really care...

[00:46:08] Either.

[00:46:08] It's...

[00:46:09] It's a good thing here.

[00:46:11] So...

[00:46:12] It's a challenge.

[00:46:13] And I'm accepting my own challenge.

[00:46:16] So if we meet on the street one day...

[00:46:20] And...

[00:46:20] You ask me for some reason...

[00:46:22] For some miraculous reason...

[00:46:24] To tell you who I am...

[00:46:30] Okay...

[00:46:30] So this is actually...

[00:46:31] I was very delighted by this idea...

[00:46:34] Like...

[00:46:34] Three seconds ago...

[00:46:36] But now I realize...

[00:46:37] It's much harder than...

[00:46:39] I thought.

[00:46:41] Because the risk is very high that...

[00:46:43] I will keep repeating what I say in Swedish...

[00:46:46] Just...

[00:46:47] In English this time.

[00:46:48] So I'm going to try not to.

[00:46:53] So...

[00:46:55] What you need to know about me...

[00:46:57] Is...

[00:47:02] That I am extremely...

[00:47:09] I'm on my way.

[00:47:10] You know?

[00:47:12] I want to die curious.

[00:47:16] I...

[00:47:17] Never want to stop.

[00:47:20] I want to go.

[00:47:22] I want to...

[00:47:23] I want to...

[00:47:24] I want to...

[00:47:24] Travel.

[00:47:25] Travel.

[00:47:25] Not in a literal sense...

[00:47:27] Necessarily.

[00:47:28] Although...

[00:47:29] Of course...

[00:47:29] It's a good thing to travel...

[00:47:31] But I don't think it's a human right...

[00:47:32] To just...

[00:47:33] Travel the world...

[00:47:34] And...

[00:47:35] Do whatever I want...

[00:47:36] In any part of the...

[00:47:38] World.

[00:47:39] I could...

[00:47:40] Very well travel from the...

[00:47:42] Safety of my own...

[00:47:44] Podcast studio in my garden.

[00:47:47] No...

[00:47:48] I...

[00:47:48] I am...

[00:47:50] A very driven person...

[00:47:51] And what drives me is...

[00:47:54] A sense of...

[00:47:56] Tomorrow...

[00:47:58] Tomorrow...

[00:47:59] Tomorrow...

[00:48:01] Tomorrow...

[00:48:01] So I...

[00:48:03] I...

[00:48:04] Have this...

[00:48:05] Urge...

[00:48:07] To keep on climbing...

[00:48:11] And to see new things...

[00:48:14] And learn new skills...

[00:48:16] And...

[00:48:17] Experience new worlds...

[00:48:23] And...

[00:48:24] Sometimes...

[00:48:25] It's really...

[00:48:27] It's a very deep...

[00:48:28] Very profound feeling...

[00:48:30] That I don't even have...

[00:48:31] The right words to describe...

[00:48:33] But I feel like...

[00:48:39] Right now in my life...

[00:48:41] I have this...

[00:48:41] Overwhelmingly strong feeling...

[00:48:43] That I'm...

[00:48:44] Shedding my skin...

[00:48:46] You know...

[00:48:46] It feels like...

[00:48:48] I am...

[00:48:50] That there are cracks...

[00:48:52] In my...

[00:48:53] Exterior...

[00:48:55] And...

[00:48:56] Something else is coming out...

[00:48:58] Something bigger...

[00:48:59] You know...

[00:49:00] And...

[00:49:01] This...

[00:49:02] Bigger entity...

[00:49:03] That is still me...

[00:49:04] Like...

[00:49:05] Maybe even more me...

[00:49:06] Than my old...

[00:49:07] Old shell...

[00:49:09] Is...

[00:49:12] It's really going...

[00:49:14] You know...

[00:49:14] And I can't really stop it...

[00:49:17] It's just...

[00:49:19] Shooting out into the world...

[00:49:21] And...

[00:49:22] It's amazing...

[00:49:24] And it's also very scary...

[00:49:26] And...

[00:49:26] I can't...

[00:49:27] Or maybe I won't...

[00:49:29] Stop this...

[00:49:31] I believe stopping it...

[00:49:33] Would...

[00:49:34] Would...

[00:49:34] Kind of kill me...

[00:49:36] And...

[00:49:37] Of course...

[00:49:38] I don't want that...

[00:49:39] I want to live...

[00:49:43] But it's also a scary thing...

[00:49:45] Because it's...

[00:49:46] Implies...

[00:49:47] It implies that...

[00:49:49] I have to leave stuff...

[00:49:53] I have to leave stuff...

[00:49:55] That's been very convenient...

[00:49:56] And...

[00:49:57] And good...

[00:49:58] And...

[00:50:01] Yeah...

[00:50:02] Well...

[00:50:02] Safe and...

[00:50:03] Comforting for me...

[00:50:08] But...

[00:50:09] I feel like...

[00:50:10] This butterfly...

[00:50:11] In its cocoon...

[00:50:14] Okay...

[00:50:15] So that was...

[00:50:15] Something about me...

[00:50:17] Another part of me...

[00:50:19] Is that I really care...

[00:50:21] What you think of me...

[00:50:23] I...

[00:50:24] Could...

[00:50:25] Work...

[00:50:26] Up a...

[00:50:28] Resilience to that...

[00:50:29] If it turns out...

[00:50:30] That you...

[00:50:31] For some reason...

[00:50:33] Is...

[00:50:34] That your opinion of me...

[00:50:36] Could really hurt me...

[00:50:37] Like...

[00:50:38] If you don't like me...

[00:50:40] Then it would influence...

[00:50:41] My work and stuff...

[00:50:42] And my own...

[00:50:44] My own...

[00:50:45] Self-esteem...

[00:50:46] So then I would...

[00:50:47] Force myself to work up...

[00:50:49] This resilience...

[00:50:50] To this particular feeling...

[00:50:53] From you...

[00:50:55] But...

[00:50:56] As...

[00:50:57] I don't know you...

[00:50:59] I am totally...

[00:51:01] In your hands...

[00:51:03] That's...

[00:51:04] May...

[00:51:05] That may be...

[00:51:06] The first time...

[00:51:08] I say that...

[00:51:09] And I think it's true...

[00:51:12] I am so...

[00:51:16] Influenced by...

[00:51:20] People's...

[00:51:21] Liking or...

[00:51:22] Disliking of me...

[00:51:24] And...

[00:51:25] That is...

[00:51:26] This...

[00:51:27] Really troublesome...

[00:51:28] Thing to live with...

[00:51:30] Sometimes...

[00:51:31] I am...

[00:51:33] Not very fond of it...

[00:51:35] To say the least...

[00:51:40] But then again...

[00:51:41] It gives me...

[00:51:42] A sort of an edge...

[00:51:43] Because I...

[00:51:44] I am very...

[00:51:45] I am...

[00:51:45] A sensitive person...

[00:51:50] Mostly today...

[00:51:52] In a good way...

[00:51:56] I see...

[00:51:56] I will...

[00:51:57] When we meet...

[00:51:58] And it's a real...

[00:52:00] Genuine meeting...

[00:52:01] I will see you...

[00:52:02] And I will feel you...

[00:52:04] And I will...

[00:52:06] Give you like...

[00:52:07] This...

[00:52:10] Sense of space...

[00:52:11] I think...

[00:52:12] I think I'm good at...

[00:52:13] Making people feel like...

[00:52:15] They are allowed to be themselves...

[00:52:21] But that will also...

[00:52:23] Be a problem...

[00:52:25] If I...

[00:52:26] After a while...

[00:52:28] I don't think that...

[00:52:31] Your space is...

[00:52:34] This has been a problem of mine...

[00:52:36] Some people...

[00:52:38] And I...

[00:52:41] There's been some of them in my life...

[00:52:44] I meet them...

[00:52:44] And then their space are...

[00:52:48] They are...

[00:52:49] I tend to give people...

[00:52:52] The space they need...

[00:52:53] And sometimes that's a good thing...

[00:52:55] Because...

[00:52:56] Most people...

[00:52:58] They don't need to expand their space...

[00:53:00] Like forever...

[00:53:01] And ever...

[00:53:02] But sometimes...

[00:53:03] You meet people like that...

[00:53:04] People who...

[00:53:06] Just craves...

[00:53:07] More and more space...

[00:53:09] And...

[00:53:10] Never ever give anything back...

[00:53:12] And...

[00:53:12] For those people...

[00:53:14] I am...

[00:53:15] I'm gold...

[00:53:16] Because I keep...

[00:53:17] Giving them space...

[00:53:20] And...

[00:53:20] They keep taking...

[00:53:22] Space...

[00:53:24] And the more space they take...

[00:53:26] The less I...

[00:53:28] Want...

[00:53:29] From them...

[00:53:31] So it becomes...

[00:53:33] Because I...

[00:53:33] I don't feel...

[00:53:34] I am also...

[00:53:35] Like really sensitive to people...

[00:53:37] Who don't care...

[00:53:39] About...

[00:53:40] Who am I...

[00:53:41] Or whatever...

[00:53:42] They just...

[00:53:44] Want to absorb...

[00:53:46] Something from you...

[00:53:47] And then I get...

[00:53:48] Filled with this...

[00:53:52] Yeah...

[00:53:53] Maybe it's...

[00:53:53] Some sort of...

[00:53:54] Contempt or...

[00:53:56] Sadness...

[00:53:57] And...

[00:53:58] When I interact with them...

[00:54:00] I...

[00:54:01] Tend to just keep giving them space...

[00:54:02] Because that's easier...

[00:54:04] Than to create a conflict...

[00:54:05] Of sorts...

[00:54:06] Because I...

[00:54:07] I don't want to be...

[00:54:09] I don't want anyone to be mad at me...

[00:54:11] That's something I'm really...

[00:54:13] I'm scared of that...

[00:54:15] I...

[00:54:15] I...

[00:54:16] That's one of my...

[00:54:19] Biggest fears...

[00:54:21] Is to be someone...

[00:54:22] Who has made something...

[00:54:24] Bad...

[00:54:25] Or wrong...

[00:54:27] And...

[00:54:28] Hurt someone or...

[00:54:30] Did something that makes people mad at me...

[00:54:36] So...

[00:54:37] Then I just keep giving...

[00:54:38] And...

[00:54:39] After a while...

[00:54:40] I get so exhausted...

[00:54:42] With this type of personality...

[00:54:43] And then I start to...

[00:54:45] Avoid them...

[00:54:47] And then the...

[00:54:48] Friendship or whatever you...

[00:54:50] Should call it...

[00:54:52] Dies...

[00:54:53] I've met a few of these...

[00:54:55] Characters in my life...

[00:54:57] And...

[00:54:58] Both...

[00:54:59] Men and women...

[00:55:01] And...

[00:55:02] I tend to just...

[00:55:04] Suffocate the friendship...

[00:55:08] But I never ever...

[00:55:10] Come out of my shell...

[00:55:12] And say...

[00:55:13] Stop it...

[00:55:14] You can't do that to me...

[00:55:16] You know...

[00:55:17] I just let them do...

[00:55:18] What they do...

[00:55:19] Because I don't want the conflict...

[00:55:22] And that's...

[00:55:26] That's...

[00:55:27] An exhausting thing...

[00:55:30] And it takes time to recover...

[00:55:33] Each time...

[00:55:34] I...

[00:55:35] Created something...

[00:55:37] Or...

[00:55:37] Hung out with someone...

[00:55:40] Like that...

[00:55:42] It takes time to recover...

[00:55:47] And...

[00:55:48] In my line of work...

[00:55:49] There are like...

[00:55:52] There are so many people like that...

[00:55:55] And I would say...

[00:55:56] I tend to choose to work with...

[00:55:58] Or...

[00:55:58] Befriend people...

[00:56:00] That are not like that...

[00:56:01] But...

[00:56:02] There are still...

[00:56:03] You know...

[00:56:06] Nowadays...

[00:56:06] It's a good thing...

[00:56:07] Because I don't have really...

[00:56:09] So much...

[00:56:14] Connections...

[00:56:15] I don't have...

[00:56:16] So much contact with people at all...

[00:56:20] Anymore...

[00:56:21] Since I'm...

[00:56:22] Alone...

[00:56:23] All the time...

[00:56:24] Creating my podcast...

[00:56:28] That was much worse...

[00:56:30] When I was...

[00:56:31] Like...

[00:56:32] Purely an actor...

[00:56:35] Than you had to work with...

[00:56:37] You know...

[00:56:38] The ones who were assigned to the same project...

[00:56:40] And...

[00:56:41] That could be like...

[00:56:44] Wonderful people...

[00:56:45] Or...

[00:56:46] People that tended to consume you...

[00:56:50] And...

[00:56:50] So if I'm telling you...

[00:56:52] This perfect stranger on the street...

[00:56:54] Like on Oxford...

[00:56:55] Oxford Street in London...

[00:56:57] In the...

[00:56:58] Crowds there...

[00:56:59] Just outside some...

[00:57:01] Clothes...

[00:57:02] Store...

[00:57:03] You and I...

[00:57:04] We stand there...

[00:57:05] And we look at each other...

[00:57:06] And you ask me for some...

[00:57:07] Wonderful reason...

[00:57:09] Who are you?

[00:57:10] Tell me about yourself...

[00:57:11] I would say...

[00:57:13] That I...

[00:57:16] Am an imaginative...

[00:57:19] Sensitive...

[00:57:20] Very...

[00:57:23] Driven person...

[00:57:26] That...

[00:57:31] Who is afraid of...

[00:57:33] Hurting...

[00:57:34] And also not...

[00:57:36] Of course...

[00:57:37] To be hurt...

[00:57:41] And I'm a person who thinks...

[00:57:44] Less...

[00:57:45] Of myself...

[00:57:47] Very often...

[00:57:48] It's easy for me to...

[00:57:51] Think of myself...

[00:57:53] As a failure...

[00:57:54] And...

[00:57:58] As someone...

[00:57:59] Less worthy of...

[00:58:01] Whatever is in front of me...

[00:58:03] You know...

[00:58:08] I mean...

[00:58:08] If I'm a front...

[00:58:09] If I'm in front of something...

[00:58:13] Truly...

[00:58:14] Beautiful...

[00:58:15] And wonderful...

[00:58:18] My first...

[00:58:19] Thought is...

[00:58:21] I'm not worth this...

[00:58:26] Then maybe...

[00:58:27] Oh...

[00:58:28] But could I?

[00:58:31] Please could I?

[00:58:33] And then...

[00:58:35] The dance begins...

[00:58:37] You know...

[00:58:37] No you can't...

[00:58:39] Of course you can't...

[00:58:41] What are you...

[00:58:42] An idiot?

[00:58:43] Of course you are...

[00:58:45] That's so you...

[00:58:46] That's so you...

[00:58:47] This is your...

[00:58:48] This is your pattern...

[00:58:50] You always reach too far...

[00:58:52] Why would you?

[00:58:54] This is a...

[00:58:56] Wondrous thing...

[00:58:57] It's...

[00:58:58] It's not for you...

[00:58:59] You know...

[00:59:00] You're a...

[00:59:01] Freak...

[00:59:07] Okay...

[00:59:08] So...

[00:59:11] I don't know what this episode is about...

[00:59:14] Really...

[00:59:16] And...

[00:59:17] I'm gonna stop now...

[00:59:21] Because...

[00:59:22] It's...

[00:59:23] Like...

[00:59:23] Almost an hour now...

[00:59:25] And...

[00:59:28] I need to leave you to it...

[00:59:30] Because...

[00:59:31] If you're not asleep yet...

[00:59:32] You need to find other stuff...

[00:59:34] Like some...

[00:59:35] Hypnotic rain sounds...

[00:59:36] Or...

[00:59:37] The perfect storytelling...

[00:59:40] Soothing voice...

[00:59:42] Or maybe...

[00:59:44] Maybe you can listen to one of my other episodes...

[00:59:46] If this...

[00:59:47] Didn't do it for you...

[00:59:50] Or maybe...

[00:59:51] This is just...

[00:59:52] You know...

[00:59:53] Maybe this has been a waste of your time...

[00:59:56] And that's fine too...

[00:59:57] Because...

[00:59:59] I guess...

[01:00:00] Life is really a waste of...

[01:00:02] Time...

[01:00:03] I mean...

[01:00:03] That's all we do...

[01:00:04] We waste time...

[01:00:06] And I...

[01:00:06] I don't mean that in any bad sense...

[01:00:10] Because...

[01:00:10] Maybe we need to reconsider the word waste...

[01:00:13] What is waste?

[01:00:17] I mean...

[01:00:18] What if waste was a good thing?

[01:00:20] What if our main purpose in life...

[01:00:23] Is to waste hours and hours and hours...

[01:00:27] Just wasting them...

[01:00:30] Wasting them like there's no tomorrow...

[01:00:33] Wasting them like there's no tomorrow...