The Birch Trees Remembered First

[00:00:00] Hi and welcome to Fall asleep with Henrik. I'm Henrik and you're sleepy and it is what it is, what happens happens. And right now there is nothing we can do. So let's begin.

[00:00:23] Hi sleepy. Hi and welcome back to my humble abode. I'm as usual Henrik. I think I am anyway. Last time I checked, it all came together as Henrik.

[00:01:00] In all its forms and nooks and crannies and grannies because there are a lot of grannies. I have two grannies in mind. My mother's mother, Märta, and my father's mother, Susan or Susanna.

[00:01:25] Actually, I'm not quite sure what my birth name, what the birth name for my father's mother was. Like, was it Susanna or was it Susan? In my granddad's diaries, the name is spelled different every time. S-U-S-E-N S-U-S-A-N S-U-S

[00:01:53] S-U-S-A-N-N-A Susanna And sometimes she's just referred to as Tösen från Skogsbo, which is roughly translated to the gal from the house in the woods.

[00:02:18] Because that's where she grew up, I guess, and where she met my granddad. They were old when they got my dad, when they made him. They were around 40, both of them, and that was considered late. My dad is born in 1947, so he's a baby boomer, like for real.

[00:02:42] My daughter, she refers to me as a boomer sometimes, and I always get very indignated. And I say, that's not correct. I am generation X. I am the baby of a boomer. You can't refer to me as a boomer. And then I start to explain to her, and then she just rolls her eyes at me and says, that's exactly what a boomer would say. And I have to give her right there. It's correct.

[00:03:12] So, hi sleepy, and welcome back to my humble abode. I'm not quite sure what a humble abode really means, but it sounds nice to say. So that's why I say it. If you're new to this podcast, I am Henrik from Sweden, and I just talk. And you don't have to listen, but you can if you want. I am improvising. I say stuff that I think of. I say stuff that I just come up with.

[00:03:43] And I make up a lot of things. You don't have to take anything I say seriously. Sometimes I lack in words, and sometimes I have an abundance of them. And those two never seem to work together. It's just, it's either this or that. Nothing in between. And that goes along with how I am as a person. Anyways.

[00:04:13] So I've been doing this in Swedish for eight years. And since about two years, I do this in English as well. With the main purpose of just putting you at ease. I don't go about this in a traditional sleeping audio help way. I talk about everything in this podcast. I talk about stuff that hurts. I talk about dark stuff. I talk about existential stuff.

[00:04:41] But I also talk about weird, lulling, nonsentical stuff. It's as my brain is, you know. Sometimes I will probably say stuff that you don't agree with. But please, if that happens, try and practice the notion that, yeah, I mentioned it in the beginning. It is what it is. What happens, happens.

[00:05:10] Henrik is this Swedish podcaster. I don't have to care. I don't even have to like what he says. I can just let him do his talking. And if it helps me, then that's fine. We don't have to be like the same person. Be it ideologically, personal-wise or otherwise.

[00:05:35] I guess that's the thing that keeps me doing this. The sense that it doesn't matter if we're alike, you and I, or if we're totally opposite from one another. Because we're here together. That's, I mean, that's a truth that we can push away.

[00:06:00] You and I were here at the same time, on the same globe, at this very interesting and critical moment in human history. We're here together at this hour. I mean, what are the odds? Not very big. Not very... The chance of you and me being here together in this microscopic point in time is almost equal to zero.

[00:06:30] Not total zero, but almost. And I think that's worth celebrating. Don't you think? Whether or not we think alike. So, that's the feeling. Whatever is a feeling, anyway. I talked about this in one of my Swedish episodes recently. Well, not recently at the time of publication. It's been a while.

[00:07:00] Well, I record a lot of episodes each time I record. So, by the time you listen to this, these thoughts are old and I have moved on. Or not. I don't know. This is something that I come back to from time to time. And it's the point where a piece of information becomes a feeling. And then a thought. And then a feeling. And maybe some more thoughts. And maybe some more feelings.

[00:07:30] And as far as the process continues, it becomes more and more complex. Relax. Like, but there is a moment, and that's the moment that I'm very fascinated with. A moment where at the very bottom of what it even is to be alive, you know.

[00:07:54] And there's a place, I guess, before anything has a name. There is a moment. Probably shorter than a moment. When something just arrives. Light hits the eye. Or there's a sound that moves the air in your ear. That's a hard sentence to say.

[00:08:23] A sound that moves the air in your ear. Air in your ear. English is such a weird language. We don't have any equivalent to that in Swedish. Like, all these vowels. Vowels, not vowels. Sorry. Well, there's a lot of vowels as well. But from a different angle, maybe. But, I mean vowels. The soft letters.

[00:08:52] Air in your ear. It's almost all. It's almost all. Vowels. And vowels. And vowels. Where was I? I forgot. Okay, so this will happen again and again and again. But I felt inspired there for a second and now I lost it all. I'm sorry, sleepy. Yeah. Okay.

[00:09:22] Okay. So, yeah. The moment. The dark lands before anything has a name in us. It's like there's a smell. Like, there's a smell that lands somewhere behind the nose. And none of these things mean anything yet. That's a gap. That's a gap.

[00:09:53] The darkness before the meaning. And I mean, this must happen thousands of times a day. And we never notice it because there's nothing to notice. Or, no, let me rephrase that. And everything we need to do is just notice it. Because we don't notice it. We never notice it because the notification comes after.

[00:10:22] Picture, like, picture the rawest, the rawest possible thing. A little piece of light. Whatever light really is. I am, I don't know if you noticed this, but I'm not a physicist, sleepy. So, I'm not going to go into length about what light really is. Because I don't know. I don't know if anyone really knows.

[00:10:48] So, this piece of light lands on the back of your eye. And I guess what happens then is that it becomes like this tiny electrical event. And at this point, the light doesn't have any inner qualities like red or beautiful.

[00:11:19] It's not anything at all. And somehow, and this is the fascinating thing. Somehow, along the way, through whatever constitutes you, this anonymous electrical event becomes the feeling of a sunset.

[00:11:48] And I cannot, for the life of me, dearest sleepy, comprehend in what place, at what time does this happen? When does information become thoughts and emotions?

[00:12:17] It's a weird word, information. Information. Information. Like something information. Something that has been put into form. Informed. Given a shape. So, before something is information. Before it has shape. It's only difference. Difference.

[00:12:47] I guess. This is not that. Here. It's not there. Now. It's not before. So, what is... I can't... I can't really... Oh, okay. So, the English just disappeared. Sorry. Let me rephrase.

[00:13:16] Is this feeling... A feeling. Is it just... Difference. That has grown so complicated that it starts noticing itself in a way? Okay, that was really fluffy. I don't really know what I actually said. But there is this thing that happens before you know what you feel, right?

[00:13:46] Your body knows. For instance, you walk into a room. And something is off. And your body notices immediately. Your shoulders have changed. Your breath has changed. And only afterwards does word... The word arrive. Oh, man. I'm uneasy.

[00:14:16] The body got there first. And the word came running after it. Late. And out of breath. And I would very much like to know who sent that body on ahead. Who gave the body information before the word. I mean, is this... Something that just happens by default?

[00:14:44] I think of the very first living thing billions of years ago. Some little... Well, I don't want to... I don't want to trash talk that little thing. But the words... Smear of chemistry in warm water came to mind. It must have leaned... It must have leaned toward good things. I don't know.

[00:15:13] What was a good thing three billion years ago? Sugar. Yeah. Okay, so... It leaned toward the sugar. And leaned away from the bad things. The acid. So that's really all there is to it, isn't it? All there is to life. That leaning toward... And leaning away.

[00:15:43] That might just be the oldest feeling there is. Older than eyes. Older than brains. Lean. Maybe every feeling I have ever had is just that same lean. Lean in or lean away from. You know? But more complicated and in a lot of variants.

[00:16:13] Babies feel before they have a single word for anything. A baby is just... That's why we love them, right? A baby is pure weather. Hunger arrives. And... It's the end of the world. And then food arrives. And it's paradise. And there's nothing in between. And there's no story about any of it.

[00:16:42] They never feed me on time. Or... I'm really grateful my mother provides milk whenever I want. I find that almost unbearable to think about, Sleepy. That we all started as creatures of total feeling. And no explanation.

[00:17:09] And initially, I don't even think we needed explanation. But here we are. And we keep having that. I mean, that's the same. Whether you're a baby or a grown up. Or something... Somewhere in between. As I am. Like we experience this raw signal.

[00:17:37] The thing that happens to us before we interpret it. Okay. That was not English. Before interpretation. Interpretation. That's the word, right? When you... When you... Wake up in the middle of the night and you hear a loud bang.

[00:18:03] Then what happens is just air pressure changing. For some reason. Like... Yeah. When I'm thinking about a thunderstorm. So that's all it is. Physically. But by the time it reaches the part of me that knows it's a bang.

[00:18:28] It has almost instantly become my associate. My associate. Yeah. I have an associate here that sits next to me and tries to feed me the right words to say. For your English speaking ears, dearie. Sleepy. No. I meant the feelings that I associate with said thunder. For instance, fear. Thunder. I'm... Personally. I'm not afraid of thunder.

[00:18:58] I really love it. I really love a good thunderstorm. Yesterday. Me and my daughter. We was at... We were at the kitchen table. Having dinner. And she was way into something she needed to explain to me. She showed me clips on TikTok. And we talked a good length about it. And I could immediately feel... My body noticed. Before I even was aware of it. That there was rain outside. And the wind...

[00:19:28] Picked up. And then there was this flash. All of a sudden I could hear the distant rumble. You know? It's fascinating. That... Before. Makes you wonder if there are feelings. Or... Yeah, let's say feelings.

[00:19:58] Like... The... Empty gap. The dark gap. Before anything happens in us. That's there. But... There must be feelings... That are so quiet... That it never makes it... Into a thought. At all. Something registers. Something... Shifts in you by... Like... By a hair.

[00:20:26] And it dies down there in the dark... Before it ever becomes anything... That you could... Put your mind on. Yeah. Has it happened to you... Sleepy? That you've just... Been sitting around... Doing something... Nothing profound or anything... And all of a sudden... There's this wave... Of unspoken emotion... That just... Runs through you like a river.

[00:20:56] And... If you're anything like me... You don't have to be... But... If you're anything like me... You immediately start to... Try and analyze... What that feeling is. What is that? What... Why do I feel this way? What is this? And when I was younger... I... That scared me. I got... Sometimes really scared of these... Unnamed feelings... Because... It... Sort of felt that I was going insane. And today... Sometimes...

[00:21:26] It's scary still... Especially when... They're combined with... Like stress or... Any other... Leaning away from acid feeling... But... Oftentimes... I got really... Thrilled... Because I really love the unspoken... Maybe this is why I talk about this...

[00:21:54] I think that most of what happens in me... Probably never reaches me... And that includes the pure electrical events... And also... Like raw... Proto emotions... That... Maybe never... Even make it... Up... Over the surface... In me... That's a sad thing, right? Like... You and I... I don't know about you... But... Me... I am...

[00:22:23] Mostly... A fragrance... A taste... That I... Never get to experience... Sorry... That was kind of tearful... Most about... What's me... I will never get to taste... And most about... What's you... You will never get to taste...

[00:22:52] I wonder what it's like for animals... I mean... They feel... Clearly... And... Most of them... Never turn it into a sentence... Or anything like that... A dog... I talked... I talked about dogs... Last week too... A dog is afraid... A dog is joyful... A horse... Is... Suspicious of that...

[00:23:22] Plastic bag... And none of it gets... Written down... Inside them... As far as we know... So... So... Feelings... As far as we know... We can't really know though... But as far as we know... Feelings can exist... Completely without language... Which make me... Think... Language is not where feelings... Are born...

[00:23:52] Language is just the thing... That we... Use to drape our feelings... Put clothing on them... But there is this other... Aspect of it... As well... In that... I have... An electrical event in my brain... I get a feeling... I have a... Thought... And I put my feeling into words... And then... That in turn... Evokes... More feelings... Right? And that in turn... Evokes more language...

[00:24:21] And more feelings... That's how we go about our days... Mostly... Right? But smell has this... Weird way of going... Directly into your brain... Right? They don't... They're... They have a key to the gates... They go past the doorman... Most of what... Comes into us...

[00:24:51] Gets... Checked and labeled... On the way in... On the way in... But smell... Really takes... Like a different route... Yeah, that's... Yeah, that's really fascinating... I remember... Walking... This was... 26 years ago... Maybe even more... I was... I just...

[00:25:19] Graduated from acting school... In Gothenburg... Sweden... And I moved to Stockholm... And I lived in a suburb... And I was unemployed... And I didn't have any money... And I spent all day... Playing video games... And applying for jobs... That I didn't get... And... I was miserable... But also... I was... 23... You know... So... The miserableness was... Well... You can't really compare... A miserable... 23 year old...

[00:25:49] To a miserable... 51 year old... That's not... You know... It's just not the same thing anymore... God... If I only knew... You know... How miserableness... We're going to feel like... When you reached... Half a century... It's worse... It is... At least when I think back... Of my miserableness... As a 23 year old... But I remember anyway... Every day I took a walk...

[00:26:19] Out to this cemetery... That was close to me... There was this huge cemetery... Out in the woods... So to speak... It's actually called... The Wood... The Wood Cemetery... And it's a great... I talked about it... Before in this podcast... I think... It's a... Really beautiful... Cemetery... And it's huge... And every day... I went there... And I walked around... And I didn't have any music...

[00:26:47] Or anything like that... And... This was way before... Social media... And smartphones and stuff... So I just walked... And I don't want to romanticize that... That sucked as well... Life sucked... But... I remember one day... When I walked... And there was rain in the air... And there was a certain quality... The sunlight... And... The clouds beneath it... And... I just got this feeling... And I think it was smell-induced... It just went right into me...

[00:27:17] Like... There was a lot of birch trees... Around me... Young... Small birch trees... And they have a certain sound... When... Wind... Rustles... The leaves... I'm not going to imitate it... But it's a very fragile sound... But it's not as fragile as other leaves... Like on more fragile trees... The birch is kind of a... A...

[00:27:45] Resistance tree... It's... Stubborn... And... It had something to do with childhood... Something in my childhood... Planted itself... Under similar circumstances... In smell... And light... And sound... And I started to cry immediately... I do that kind of... Often... And...

[00:28:14] So I started... I started walking... Among the birch trees... Sobbing... And it was a good thing... I remember... Feeling... Absolute awe... Over the fact that... This can happen to me... Although I'm not a kid... I am an unemployed actor... Walking in a Stockholm suburb... You know... I have... Recently started caring about...

[00:28:44] And... Like... Every morning... I... I... This... Okay... Thank you... Goodbye... Okay... It's... It's really funny sometimes... How my words just get stuck... It's like they're... All... All of them at once... Are going through a very narrow gateway... And they get stuck in the middle... Like the stooges or something... Now... Remember I...

[00:29:12] When you think back at this episode... You might think... Why did he use the stooges... As an example... Because I've never seen the stooges... I don't even know what it is... I think about... As a... Couple of characters... That are clumsy and funny... You know... That's... My only reference... And it's an American reference... So... Don't shoot the messenger... Don't shoot the... Wrong interpreter... You know...

[00:29:41] But I... Thank... I... I was thinking about... All my words... Getting stuck together in a doorway... I think that... That was... That could be something that... Was it three stooges? I don't know... That they... Could do... Ladders and stooges... So... I went down... Because I have laundry day today... And I... The laundry... The... The...

[00:30:09] The washer is in the basement... And... So I... Walked through this... Long corridor underground... And I felt that... Smell of concrete and... Well I guess it's... It's not mole... But it's something... To that regard... It's something... Up that alley... I'm not sure... It's not an unhealthy smell... But it's not pleasant either... It's just there... You know... It smells like... This is an area...

[00:30:38] Where you're not supposed to dwell... Just move through here... You know... And I... Just... Got a lot of... Unnamed feeling... From that smell... Although I've smelled it... In this building... Probably a couple of hundred times... By now... But... It gave me earlier memories... And I couldn't identify them... And then I said... Okay... I didn't say it out loud... I said it to myself... Using words... But whatever that... Sounds like to you... Words from the inside...

[00:31:07] I told myself to stay here... And just be in this moment... For a while... And I did... And I... So I tried to do this... And it often has to do... Is awoken by smell... Nowadays... It's fascinating... That you don't need words... To... Experience whatever smell is...

[00:31:37] Giving you... Sometimes I can't tell... Whether I have... A feeling... Whether my body just needs something...

[00:32:06] Has it happened to you sleepy? Of course it has... Like... Am I sad right now... Or am I just tired? Am I anxious right now... Or do I simply... Need food? The signal... Comes up... Dressed as an emotion... When... Really... It... It's just low sugar... I think a frightening amount... Of my inner life is just...

[00:32:35] The body being... Slightly hungry... And me... Just writing a tragedy about it... Telling... Fundamental truths... About myself... Based on that soul information... That I'm kind of hungry... That's not really efficient way of... It's not really an efficient way of... Walking through life... Life with open eyes...

[00:33:06] But I wish I could feel... More often... Like when you were... Way before I could speak... I already have... Like... Had like... A whole inner life... And I don't remember anything of it... Maybe just the essence of it... Lingers... There were years... Of... Just pure feeling... Embryos of feelings...

[00:33:35] That left no record... Because... There was no one inside me... Taking notes... Not in a verbal way anyway... So the very first part... Of every human life... Happens in a language... That none of us can read... Or write... Not even our own... My god... We're such mysteries... It's so cool to be alive... Sleepy...

[00:34:05] I keep... Coming back to the picture... Of a tree... Sleepy... But... Like... Upside down... Or... More... No... More like sideways... I'm not sure... Something arrives... In you... One... Little signal... And it splits... This signal... Which is like... Pure energy... Just... Just an electrical event... It splits... It becomes...

[00:34:35] A feeling... And a memory... And a small prediction... All at once... It branches out... And each of those... Splits... Again... And again... And again... And again... And you keep... Accompanying these splits... With words... That in turn... Creates more splits... And by the time... I notice anything at all...

[00:35:04] This has already grown... Beyond comprehension... In a way... Try and analyze... Really what you're actually feeling... At any given moment... And you will get lost... And you're standing... You're standing... Somewhere... Out at the end... Of... This tiny... Little branch... And you can't see... Where it started really...

[00:35:28] And it's very complicated... As well... To keep track of all it... I mean... It's impossible... Really... I think you might need... I don't know... A shaman... To do this... To do this... Like a single thing... A single... Very simple thing... Like... A piece of light...

[00:35:57] Hitting the back of your eye... Can fork into... Well... After a while... A billion things... But first... I mean... It can be... As easy as two... Different feelings... That don't go along... Feelings that disagree... Why do we find that... So difficult to deal with... Sleepy... That... Things can be... Different things...

[00:36:27] Different things can be true... About one thing... At the same time... Without any of the truths... Taking out... The other... Like... You get good news about someone... And... You're happy... But... You're also... In some... Other room... Of yourself... You're jealous... And both are true... And both... Came from the same...

[00:36:57] Event... The branch split... It's kind of funny... That one piece of information... Can grow... Something good... Sugar... And something bad... Acid... Acid... Well not... I'm... I mean I'm talking about... Twigs now... And branching... So maybe I should... Use another... Imagery... It can grow into a fruit... And a thorn...

[00:37:26] On the same twig... And both are true... And one thought leads to another... But we say that very easily... That one... Thought leads to another... As if there were... A little path... Or this... Twig...

[00:37:55] The branch... Or whatever thickness of it... But what is this path... Actually made of... Sleepy... Why does... Thinking about a train... Lead to... Thinking about my father... And not... Thinking about... I don't know... Cheese... Or... The wheels of the train... Or... I mean the one driving the train...

[00:38:27] There's a... Like a logic to the branching... But... It's my logic... Grown over a whole life... No one else has my tree... For instance... I have... Places... From my childhood... And when I think about... The most random things... These places... Pop up in my mind... Like... When I think about...

[00:38:59] Money... Yeah okay... So this is one thing... I'm going to share it with you... Because it's a very personal... Thing... But when I think about money... Like... Money on mass... Like... One million... Money... One million money... Then I always... See this image... Of a place... Where my aunt used to live... With her ex-husband... Way back in the 80s...

[00:39:29] And you know why? Because... I asked... When they bought the house... How much did it cost? I was a kid... And they said... A million... And to me... At that time... That must have been... A staggering amount of money... Because I really thought... Oh my god... My aunt... My aunt is... Rich... And... That's...

[00:40:02] So every time... I think about money... Earning money... Getting rich... Really... I think about that... Red house... On a hill... It wasn't a very... Particularly lush house... You know... It wasn't... Luxury... It wasn't anything really... One million Swedish kronor... Is... I mean... It was a lot in the 80s... But it wasn't so much that... We... You know... But to me... That was a staggering amount...

[00:40:29] The feeling becomes... An image... Which becomes a thought... But then... Thought turns around... And makes a new feeling... So you feel afraid... So you think... I'm being weak... So you feel ashamed...

[00:40:58] Because you're weak... And now you have two problems... Where you had one... And the branch... Grew back into a trunk... I do this constantly... And I suspect you do this too... Sleepy... Manufacturing... A second feeling... From... The first one... There must be a moment...

[00:41:28] Where the line is crossed... Like where... Pure signal... Becomes... Something that... Feels like something... It's... It must be like... A border... Because you can't... The lights are off... The lights are off... Come on... I mean that's a direct way... Of looking at it... But I think it must... It must be like something...

[00:41:59] I have never once... Caught that switch... In the act... You know... It's like... Trying to watch yourself... Fall asleep... You know... Which... Fittingly... Is exactly what you're trying to do... Right now I guess... I like the idea that a feeling... A feeling is... Something formated...

[00:42:29] Something... Information... That has been... Given a value... Like the raw thing... Arrives... And it's neutral... And then... Somewhere... There's this... A chunk... Like a stamp... Comes down... Good... Bad... To word... Away... And that stamp... Maybe that's the whole... Of... You know... What it's like to be a conscious human being...

[00:42:58] That's the whole... Of feeling... Just a layer of yes and no... Spread over the world... And without it... Everything would simply be... Facts... You know... With no one home... That can... Really... Press my buttons... In a good way I think... But I'm frustrated as well... Because I will never... I will never learn what it's like... Not to be a human being... Just...

[00:43:29] What's the reality... Really like... If you're not here... Yeah... I would really love to... Experience that... One time... It's a mess... To... You know... Sometimes the branching runs... The opposite direction... In... The other way around... And I can't find the... The root... Yeah... That happens all the time... Like...

[00:43:59] I'm... In a bad mood... And I try and trace it back... To... What thought... What feeling... What signal... And there's... Just nothing there... It's just there... I mean... No... Yeah... There's no origin... There's... This mood that arrived... Without any paperwork... So either it grew from... A root... That was too deep... To dig up... Or...

[00:44:28] It blew in from the outside... Like... Weather... Which one I prefer... Of those two... I kind of feel... I kind of feel... An urge to make it... Into the... The deep waters of me... Like... It's an exotic feeling... Less so... When the mood comes blowing in from the outside...

[00:44:56] Or the wind could very well be this... Prolonging... Twisted turn of my own branches and... Twigs... That just goes back... You know... Within me again... It creates... Sort of a spider web... Of branches... And twigs... Twigs... There is this...

[00:45:27] Strange... Compression... That happens... Like... The whole afternoon of small... Anonymous... Signals... A tone of voice... A... Reply that is delayed... A certain light... And all of it gets bundled... And... The bundle pops... Like a seed...

[00:45:57] And out... Comes this... Feeling... Something is wrong... Yeah... There is so much... I mean... If it were a book... It would be like... Millions of pages... Being... Compressed into one single word... And I just... Trust the word... Today I am in a bad mood... You know...

[00:46:25] And I have no idea... How the word was written... How the word was produced... I think the tree... The tree of thought... Grows faster... The more you water it... A small... This is... This goes...

[00:46:54] For the good and the bad... Like... A small worry... If you leave it alone... It just sits there... But if you water it... You go visit it... And turn it over... Then it... Grows I guess... But I don't really agree... With what I just said there... I mean... Sometimes... Maybe... It's good... To tend to your worries as well...

[00:47:24] Maybe not water it... Excessively... Just look at it... And see what it needs... You know... Now... The analogy of this... Just falls apart... When you talk about negative emotion... I mean... I'm... That's kind of a thing... That a boomer would say... Don't think about the problems... And then... They will... Magically go away... And they don't... You know... I guess...

[00:47:54] Being in control... At least as much as you can... Possibly be in control... Because you can't really... Be in control... But... As much as you... As you do... Then... I guess that's... Knowing what to nurture... Choosing what to nurture... And what to just accept... And... Tend to in other ways... So... Watering is just this very... It's just one way of treating...

[00:48:22] The branches in your mind... You can also... Cut it... You know... Like you do with the bonsai tree... And just... Elevate it... Or culture... Culture it... Cultivate it... That was the word... I don't know if you heard... But my stomach really growled... I was talking about bowels... Didn't I? Vowels... And bowels... So my bowels... Just presented itself... I hope you didn't get...

[00:48:52] I hope you didn't... Were... I hope you didn't wake up... Because of my bowels... Or my vowels... If you're asleep right now... Sleepy... That's wonderful... And if you're not... That means you're listening to this... And... Of course you're awake... Why else would you hear this? But if it's the case that you're actually falling... You're actually sleeping right now... Sleepy... And I want to say this to you... You are...

[00:49:23] Permitted to... Feel... Wonderful... It's okay to feel wonderful... Wonderful... Once I was... Yeah... Talking about cultivating feelings... The branches of my mind... I have spoken to great length about this in my Swedish podcast... But I don't think I've ever mentioned it in my English... So I... Was... Shooting a film... Up in the north of Sweden...

[00:49:53] And... I played this part... It's not important what part... But... It wasn't a main lead... So I had a lot of free time... And... At one time... We were filming in the church... And it was this huge... 1600s... Church... Or something... And I was... In one of the rows... On my back... And the crew was rigging... Or doing something around me...

[00:50:23] And it was... I was about to do my scene... But something prolonged my waiting... And I didn't... Want to go back... To the waiting room... Because... You know... Any minute... We will need you again... So I just dwelled... And I... Lay on my back... In one of the rows... In one of the benches... And I looked up... At the ceiling... And there was nothing profound... To this... Experience... And suddenly... I just felt... This...

[00:50:53] Small... Glowing seed... Of... Bliss... And then I thought to myself... Okay... So this is what happened... Sometimes... This... Little seed of bliss... This little blissling... Has just... Presented itself to me... This won't last... And... Maybe I should... Refrain myself... From...

[00:51:21] Starting to analyze this... So this is just... What is... One of the... Perks of being a human being... That sometimes... Wonderful things just pop up... And you don't know why... And you get to experience them... So I decided... Right there and then... That I was going to just be in this... I was just going to... Try and suck up as much... As I possibly could... From this little... Little blessing... The blissling... And I did...

[00:51:52] And... It grew... First... Kind of slow... And then... As I gave it more water... I gave it more attention... I decided to just let it be... Not exaggerating it... But just looking at it... And concentrate on what it actually felt like... And that feeling just grew... And grew... And grew... And all of a sudden... I was just brimming... With bliss... And...

[00:52:22] I knew that this wasn't permanent... I couldn't tell... Why it was there in the first place... But at that point... That didn't matter... I was just happy... I was on my back... In that... Row in the church... And around me... People were working... As... Per usual... And no one noticed... That I... Cried... Out of happiness... Happiness... On my back in that church... Up in northern Sweden...

[00:52:52] And... Yeah... That was a good thing... That I tended to that feeling... I guess the happiness... Libbed... No... I can't really say where... It originated somewhere... In my head... I think... It was... This raw thing...

[00:53:20] That I immediately... Intellectualized... Made into... Like this... Term... This... World... That I could... Describe in a way... In a certain way... Not... Describe it as... It is... But more like... Okay... So this is a thing... That I can contain... But then... As the feeling... Grew... I just... Yeah...

[00:53:50] Then... I was just brimming... Percolating... With happiness... But... Otherwise... The chest... Is where I keep... Keep my big feelings... I guess it's different from... For all of us... But grief... Sits in the chest... And so does that... Swelling... Thing that comes... When...

[00:54:20] You look at your child... For instance... And you think that... This type of love... Shouldn't really be... Possible to even feel... For another human being... It's bigger than anything you feel for... Anyone else really... If you have a child... You know... It's interesting that... We did not choose this... Sleepy... Like every human... Across every culture... Seems to feel... Love... For our offspring... And...

[00:54:49] Loss... In... Roughly the same... Square foot... Of the body... The information goes... To the chest... Why? There's no one... In my past... That sat me down... And said... Okay... So... When you feel something... Really strong and big... You should... Experience that... In your chest... Or in your... Cheeks...

[00:55:19] Like blushing... That's a wild thing... If you... Stop and think about it... Sleepy... Like... A situation... Or like a thought... Just a thought... A thought that... Right now... They're looking at me... And they don't like what they see... And my body... Like... Instantly opens the valves... In my face... And fills my cheeks... With blood... For everyone to see...

[00:55:48] And I can't stop it... The most private thing I have... A thought... Becomes the most public thing I have... Like a red face... I cry a lot... I didn't always... I was on... Antidepressants for... A few years... And... I don't want to trash talk... Antidepressants... Antidepressants... That... They really helped me...

[00:56:18] But... I don't need them anymore... I want to go on... I want to move on... That's not to say that... If you're on them... That you should also... I think you should use them... As long as... There's need for them... Because it's a... I mean... They have bad side effects... But they're great... I mean... They... They really rescued me... Um... A couple of times in my life... But now I don't... I'm not... I'm off them for... Around two years now...

[00:56:47] And so I cry a lot... And the throat closes... Before the crying comes... There's this tightening up there... A thickness... And you know... You just know... Here it comes... And before you understand... Even what you're sad about sometimes... The body just announces the feeling like... Like a butler... Announcing a guest... Mrs...

[00:57:16] Mr. and Mrs. Gravenford... Of... Lubility... And then... They bang some staff in the floor or whatever... Not the actual staff... But a staff... A staff... I don't know the pronunciation... What do you call people that work... At a certain venue? Staff... Yeah... And what do you call this... Long thing that you can... Point with and strike with and bang in the floor?

[00:57:47] A staff... Right? I don't know... It's a mystery to me... I've learned... The hard way... Over years... That I cannot... Always tell the difference... Between fear... And... Excitement... In my own body...

[00:58:16] Because the heart does the same... The heart... The hands do the same... The only difference is the story behind it... It's almost sometimes that I can choose which story... On a good day... And on a bad day... The body just picks randomly... For me... And calls everything... Acid...

[00:58:45] That I should have leaned away from... There's this thing where the body remembers... And the mind... Has forgotten... A song comes on... That smell in the basement... And... The rustling of the birch tree leaves...

[00:59:15] On my way to Forest Cemetery... And then your whole body is engaged in this... Why does the body keep... Stuff... On file... Like that? Why do you carry records that you can't read... Unless there's a certain reader... Just pulling up by accident...

[00:59:45] Cold and... Fear... That's the same, right? Or is it? I need to analyze this... That's something that you would say just... Without really thinking... That coldness and fear... Feels the same... But they don't really, do they? Fear for me... Is... Has a deeper bottom...

[01:00:16] Cold... The experience of being cold... Is a very narrow feeling... There's no deepness to it... I think... I'm thinking about this... Because right now... I'm really hot... Not hot... As in good looking... Although... I'm quite the looker... Sorry... Actually... I don't really think so anymore... That's the sad thing about me... I used to think that I was kind of pretty...

[01:00:46] A few years back... Like two years back... I thought that I was... A good looking man... Now... Stuff has changed... And I'm not saying that to... Make you... Say... Oh my god... But you're so good looking... It's not... It's not that... Although I might look... Any way you want... In your mind right now... Because you can't see me... And on that note... Sleepy...

[01:01:14] The episode is over... Yeah... We had so much fun that... The hour just rushed away... If you're asleep now... And that's great... And if you're awake... Why don't you listen to another episode? There are hundreds of them... Literally... Not hundreds... But... Way over a hundred now... And... Yeah... We'll talk again next week... Sleep tight... Dearest sleepy...